Original subtitles

Okay, how do I look?

Like you went shopping in my shopping bags?

Turn around.

Yeah, I'm gonna look good when I get to wear that.

Hey, I need to bring the heat. It's the first day of sophomore year.

Molly and I are gonna be a part of the coolest clique in school as soon as we

figure out which one that is.

Here's a clue. If they're willing to take you, keep looking.

If I eat your overpriced onion garbage, can I take one of these cupcakes?

James, I told you. Anything in a pink box is for my party planning business.

Then I'd like to hire you for a party in my stomach. I'll need one cupcake,

please.

Boy, close the fridge.

I hate the first day of school.

No more kids around to do all my fun stuff with.

Dad. There was nothing fun about that civil war auction.

Oh, no?

You grabbed my bidding paddle awfully fast when they brought out that cannon.

Because I wanted to buy it, climb in, and shoot myself home.

Why are you complaining about the first day of school?

I'm the one who got stuck with Mr. Shank for history.

No way. You got Shank?

He gets more homework than any teacher in school.

Well, seventh grade isn't the time when you're supposed to buckle down and start

hitting the book.

Okay, I heard your backshot, Dad. What do you got there?

Well, if the workload really gets to be too much for you, I guess I can talk to

him. You talk to a teacher?

Have we learned nothing from third grade?

All right, last year, Mrs. Gosnold and I had our differences. You killed our

class rabbit.

That was one of them. And you knocked out her front teeth playing parent

-teacher dodgeball.

Mrs. Gosnold knew what she was getting into. She was getting into our car.

That's nice. That's nice. I like it. I like it.

Stephanie, you said one quick picture and you'd be gone. Why aren't you gone?

Huh. I went to school with a girl named Donna Dreyfuss.

But there is no way my Donna Dreyfuss is a fourth grade teacher.

Student, maybe.

She was dumb as a stump. We used to call her Donna Doofus.

Great story.

Bye.

She always wanted to fight me.

She told me to meet her at the flagpole at three, but she wouldn't show up till

four because she couldn't tell time.

I can, and it's time to go.

That girl was dumb.

That girl is here.

That's Donna Doofus.

Stephanie Turner?

Donna Dryfield?

What a surprise.

It's Stephanie Phillips now. Look at you, married.

And look at you.

grade i'm the teacher can you believe it no i really can't and who is this

young man i'm walter the class orphan this is aaron my stepson well aaron your

stepmom and i used to go to school together look how far we've come and

far ben franklin's come apparently he's been promoted to president You know

what? I just realized I left my lesson plan in the teacher's lounge. I do that,

like, all the time.

Finn Franklin, welcome with two L's. She's still a doofus.

Don't worry, Erin.

I'm going to fix it.

Hi, I'm Walter, and I'm all alone in the world.

Now remember, joining the right clique will set the tone for the rest of high

school. And whatever we choose, we stay together.

Deal? Deal.

Woo!

I know exactly what we should do.

Acapella. Too perky.

Let's go goth. I want to join a clique, not a coven.

We're in this to make friends.

Goths are very friendly.

They do blood oaths.

I don't want to sing. I don't want to bleed.

How about theater?

No, you know I can't memorize.

Debate team? You have to memorize your argument.

Nuh -uh.

I don't march.

Environmental club?

Newspaper? I don't hug trees and print media is dead.

Well, why don't we just join the Gabby's Too Good for Everything Club and do

nothing?

Why don't you join the Shut Up Club and shut up?

Well, why don't you just... And you wanted to join debate.

You know what?

I'm going to join acapella.

Fine. I'm going to join the gods. Fine. But don't come to me. me when you need

someone to sing at your goat sacrifice.

You don't sing, you chant.

Good golly, it's fun.

Not now, James.

Okay. Later, Gabe.

It's here.

It's here, it's here.

I finally have my very own tourniquet from the Civil War.

That makes it worth more.

In that case, I have good news about the couch.

Don't you get it?

This is living history.

Well, history's killing me.

First day of school, Mr. Shank assigns me, and only me, an extra report on

War II.

Really? Just you?

Congratulations, buddy. You're his project.

What is that, and how do I get out of it? You can't.

Every year, Shank picks one slacker to turn into the perfect student by

him with extra work.

Your life is going to be a total nightmare.

This really is going to be my year.

So, what did you do to Mr. Shank to become his project?

Nothing. He just started talking about the Battle of the Bulge.

And maybe I giggled.

James, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it in

school. Mr. Shank said the exact same thing. You guys should hang out. See who

puts who to sleep first.

I'll bet we'd stay awake forever because history is anything but boring.

For instance, the Battle of the Bulge was one of the biggest...

What? I'm 12.

It's gonna happen.

Sorry to barge in, Miss... Gosnold?

Oh, goody. A reunion.

You're the principal now?

What happened to Mrs. Brannigan?

Well, she was able to retire.

I, on the other hand, needed to keep my dental.

Hey, the new teeth look totally real. And in my defense, I did say heads up.

Duck would have been more helpful.

Let me guess, you have a problem with Aaron's teacher.

Well, I've heard good things about the other fourth grade teachers, and maybe

Aaron could get one of them.

Well, I've heard good things about the other fourth grade parents. Maybe Aaron

could get one of them.

Look, I don't want to be a problem mom.

Really? And you can say that to me with a straight face.

Okay, okay, I'm the worst. Fine.

I just want Aaron transferred to another class.

Oh, that won't be possible. The other fourth grade teachers drew longer

What? How do they even know about me?

You might have been the subject of our teacher's retreat.

Meet my new favorite teacher, Mr. Shank. Oh, hello.

Hello. Sorry to intrude, but James mentioned a Civil War collection and I

see it. Two grown men with a mutual interest in military history?

Dare I say bromance?

What are you up to?

I just figured you could use someone to share your hobbies of sadness.

Oh, look at you, thinking of old dad.

So, fellow Civil War buff, are you a collector as well or just a fan?

Are you kidding?

I happen to have a bone saw from Antietam in my car.

You want to see it? Did Robert E. Lee surrender at Appomattox in 1865?

Was it on a postage stamp in 1965?

Why

are you

so happy? And what is Shank doing in our house?

Because he's got a new BFF.

Which means I get the family homework discount.

Yeah, that'll work. I have to go. I have a cappella practice.

Is Molly picking you up? How much time do I have? My hair is a mess.

Get over her, James. Molly's not picking me up for this or anything ever again.

You can't break up with Molly. She's the only good thing about you.

I would give anything to try this bone saw out on a femur right now.

You're a doctor. Can't you get your hands on one?

Well, I can't make any promises, but I'll make a few phone calls.

You two have fun. I'll be upstairs playing Puppets of Vengeance.

So you finished that extra report I assigned you? I still have to do that?

Even though you're having the time of your life with my dad?

What if I got you that femur?

Of course you have to do the report, and to get your outline together, I can

give you some notes before I leave.

Well, if you have to give him notes, maybe you'd like to stay for dinner. Was

that an invitation?

Was the Gettysburg Address elegant in its simplicity?

talking, please.

Give this note to Aaron.

He already said he doesn't like you. It's not from me. It's from Sasha.

Aaron, pass it.

I like Sasha.

Dude, I told you no.

He said we have to finish this before lunch.

Thank you.

Okay, let's see what was more important than long division.

Oh, looks like Aaron has a girlfriend.

I do not allow notepassing.

I didn't do it. Well, you can explain that to me while you're standing in the

corner. I said I didn't do it, Ms. Doofens.

But I did do that.

I can't believe I called my teacher Doofens. I had to sit in the corner for

whole minutes.

You think you've got a problem.

Mr. Shank gave me extra reading so we can discuss it when he comes over to see

Dad. Did you know there are three whole books just about World War II?

Three? Dad has a show full of them.

What have I done?

Okay, next week is my first a cappella performance with Earth, Wind, and Choir.

Listen to this.

Ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Quick question, what the?

You're not hearing the whole group singing together. I'm just one part.

Is yours a part of the dying sea cow?

Gabby, what is this concert? Because I think I have jury duty.

You guys have to hear everybody sing together.

I'm just the yaws. There's another girl who's like, oh, yeah.

And then a couple guys who are like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

And then this girl Jackie gets all the words.

You know who'd actually be interested in listening to this?

Molly. Why don't you call her? I told you, Molly and I broke up. We're not

talking. You don't have to talk, just listen to her breathe. That's what I do.

I wish Dad and Mr. Shank weren't talking.

I need to break them up.

Break them up like the Munich Agreement broke up Czechoslovakia in 1938.

And why is this in my brain?

So, there wasn't any underwear in the laundry this week.

Anybody want to tell me anything?

I do.

I called my teacher Miss Doofus.

Erin!

Do you think she knows she got that from me? Just how dumb do you think she is?

Why would you say that?

Because you did in front of me. What were you thinking?

My little brain just soaked things up.

Sorry, but don't worry. This year isn't ruined yet. We'll find a way to make

things right with Miss Doofus.

We should probably start by not calling her Miss Doofus.

Excellent point.

Plus, maybe a we're sorry gift.

Now, how does a 12 -year -old buy a piece of a racehorse? Hey, I did

for somebody. Somebody did something for me.

Charlie, put your hands in the air and step away from the bakery boxes.

Those are all for my event.

But Les and I are hungry.

Besides, you got all these.

What about this one?

Hello.

It's for a bachelorette party.

Good.

That would be a funny way of saying it's a boy.

At the Jefferson Davis Museum of the Confederacy. Oh, hey, buddy. I was just

showing James this musket ball from the Battle of Chickamauga.

It's very rare not to brag.

Get it?

Because the Confederate commander was... Braxton Bragg!

You're right, Mr. Shank. Your collection is way better than my dad's.

I didn't say that.

I said his is promising.

Promising? Ouch.

I think we all know what that means.

Dinky.

I think it's a little more than dinky. It may not be extensive, but I have some

quality pieces. I believe my tourniquet speaks for itself.

Yes, it does.

And it's saying Mr. Sank's collection is a whole mess of cheap junk.

Cheap junk?

I guess you wouldn't know the difference since you're still a newbie.

Newbie? That seems uncalled for.

Yes, I came late to collecting tourniquets and saws, but that's because

busy using them to save people's lives.

Sounds like somebody's putting down teachers for going home at 3 o 'clock

having the whole summer off.

Teaching isn't important?

How did you learn to be a surgeon? Oh, right, from a teacher.

Boom! You got shanked.

You know what? I don't have to stand here and take this. I'm seceding from

conversation, huh?

Oh!

Now, Mr. Saint, if somebody talked to me like that, I would storm out of here,

hop into my set of civic, and keep going till I hit the Mason -Dixon line.

Abraham Lincoln said a house divided against itself cannot stand, and I, sir,

cannot stand your house.

You know what? I don't need a collecting buddy like you.

Yeah! I have Jane.

No!

Missing Molly, huh?

Okay, don't tell your dad, but I am going to sneak you one of my work

cheer you up.

Wait a minute. I'm missing a pink box.

Aaron took one to school to butter up his teacher.

Please tell me it wasn't the box on the bottom shelf.

He's little. He always takes what's on the bottom.

Oh, no, no, no.

They're not supposed to learn about that cake until the eighth grade.

Hey.

Hey.

I, uh, came by to collect some of my things.

How's acapella?

They made me the ya -ya girl.

And I hate it. And I hate being goth.

I know that's supposed to be the point, but I still hate it.

Let's both quit and join the Watching Cute Boys Club.

Oh, what's that?

It's just us watching cute boys. I can do that.

Sign me up.

I've got three of them, two blocks down.

Oh, I feel president. Why do you get to be president?

Because I just like boys more. Yeah, because I like boys more.

Okay,

everyone, settle down.

Please find your seats.

Oh, where did this come from?

I brought it just for you to stand. Sorry.

going to do that name. Well, that is very sweet of you, Erin. Thank you.

Where did you get this?

My stepmom. It was her idea.

Okay. Stephanie told you to give me this cake? She wants you to know what kind

of mom she is.

Let's dig in.

Don't dig in.

There was a mix -up. I need this for work. What sort of work do you do?

Stephanie, I'm trying to make her wife... This won't do it. Give me the

It's for Miss Dreyfuss. You never should have taken it.

The other teachers are

right. It is kind of funny when it's not happening to you.

Donna, I am so sorry about the cake, the nickname, just all of it. I just can't

believe you taught Aaron that nickname.

I guess some of us haven't grown up since the fourth grade.

Okay. I deserve that. But for what it's worth, I did tell Aaron that name before

I knew you were his teacher.

But why would you say that to any child?

It was so mean.

Here's the thing.

I'm a new mom.

I'm still making rookie mistakes.

Is there any way we can bury the hatchet, start over, and give Aaron a

year?

Sure. Just...

Day clear of the bake sale.

Fair enough.

So are we good?

We're good.

Just real quick before I go.

Um, you do know that Ben Franklin wasn't a president and that you don't spell

welcome with two L's?

You still think I'm a doofus.

Well, you did get left back once or twice. It was once, and that was only

because they hadn't figured out that I needed glasses.

And as for the welcome with two L's and President Ben Franklin, those are

teaching tools. I deliberately put mistakes around the classroom for the

students to catch.

Oh, smart.

Like the way you put Grover Cleveland up there twice.

Oh, no, see, Cleveland is up there twice because he was president two separate

times.

Please don't plug my kid.

The Northerners better win.

Don't worry. It's a reenactment.

They kind of make you stick to the script.

Well, make sure you take the hill by 1 .30. I have a hair appointment.

So, I take it you made up with Mr. Shank?

A shared love of history is a bond not easily torn asunder.

Besides, the battle gives you free lunch if you register as a group of three.

Wait. You, Shank, who's your three?