Original subtitles

Okay, so, while you're in Honduras, there's two bars you need to hit.

The roundabout and the drunken frog.

They're right next door, so you can just stumble back and forth.

It's a weekend trip to advise the surgical team.

I'll be spending the whole time at the hospital.

Perfect. It's right across the street. And the drunken frog delivers.

How do you know so much about Honduras?

That's where I did my postgraduate work.

You never said you went to grad school.

I didn't. I just kept going to spring break for four years after college.

Hey, you and I should do spring break sometime.

Honey, I'm 48.

My spring has sprung.

I'm sorry to stick you with the kids when your friend is visiting.

Oh, while you're down there, can you do me a favor and see if the State

Department still has us on file?

It was really more Jenny than me. I was just running the camera.

This is the same Jenny who's going to be staying in the house with you and the

kids this weekend?

Oh, we'll be fine.

Let me worry about the kids and you just worry about getting this bag under 50

pounds. What is in here anyway?

Thanks a lot, Stephanie. You just blew my free trip to Honduras.

You can come if you can tell me the capital of Honduras.

H.

Ow. Come on.

I know you have homework.

Fine. I didn't want to see Africa anyway.

I'm gonna miss you, Dr. Phillips.

Wait a minute.

Fun with Jenny. I love you. I love you, too.

Gabby, your dad's leaving.

Good.

Gabby, say goodbye to your dad.

Goodbye, father.

Father? What's that about? Oh, didn't I mention that I grounded her all weekend?

No. I did. She's mad.

Good luck.

Gabby, why are you grounded?

For no reason. All I did was put away the milk.

left the milk out dad told me to put it away i told him it wasn't me he said i

don't care just put away the milk or no tv so i called him a jackass and he

grounded me even though i put it away you called him a what it just

slipped out he's been on my case about every little thing for a month now do

your homework clean your room a scarf is not a skirt the man's all over the

place

am I going to do all weekend?

Well, you can do your homework, you can clean your room, and you can put that

scarf skirt back in my closet.

I'm sure you can keep yourself busy.

Meanwhile, my weekend just started!

Are those implants?

Yes, they're a buy one get one free!

I'm so sorry, I couldn't make it to your wedding.

Sorry, I couldn't make it to your divorce.

Look at you.

Matching furniture.

Whoa. You use coasters? Check it out.

Ring on the finger, but none on the table.

Who are you?

Going to a movie with Molly. Be back at 10.

Get baked to look really pretty. Bye. Just one thing before you go.

Yeah? Your dad grounded you, so you can't go to the movies. Good try,

Back upstairs. Bye.

Oh, when Dad grounds me, he still lets me hang out with Molly because she's a

good influence.

But I get it about the movie, so I'll just invite her over here.

Oh, that'll be fun. When she gets here, can you do me a favor?

Sure, Steph. Tell her to go back home because you're grounded.

Nice try, kid.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Where are my manners?

Jenny, Gabby, Gabby, room.

Fine. Look at you being back up.

Oh, girl, please. I know all of the tricks. That making a rope out of sheep

thing, it actually works.

Give a quick.

Gabby, stop eavesdropping. I'm not.

Okay.

Tell me everything.

What, about being a mom?

No. How to land a doctor. Tell me about Charlie.

Well, he has a kind heart. He's a total gentleman.

Uh -uh.

What's he look like?

He's tall, handsome.

His smile is... Blah, blah, blah. Skip to the butt.

Remember Victor from Puerto Rico?

Yes. Better.

Tell me he has a brother, because if he doesn't, I'm going to be wife number

three.

I miss you.

Stay away from my husband.

I don't care how handsome you thought he was. I wasn't going to smuggle a man

out of Tijuana in my trunk.

Oh, but you were fine smuggling fake Prada bags. That was different. I had a

business plan.

James, what are you doing up so late? What are you doing up so early?

Why? What time is it? Six o 'clock.

A .M.? We've been up all night.

Yes, you have.

And you're very loud.

And whoever you are, Stephanie's right. If Roger won't commit, why should you?

Uh, I guess we should get to sleep.

Yeah. Maybe I can grab an hour before somebody asks me to cook something, fix

something, or find something that they're not supposed to have in the

place. This has been great, but I cannot wait to hit that pillow.

You know what? You go on up.

I gotta make sure I still have three kids.

James! Oh, good. You can help me get this down. You broke your great

-grandmother's favorite punch bowl. If it's a favorite, why don't we have it?

All right, she's dead.

What do you need a bowl for?

Homework. I have to make a human eyeball out of paper mache, which is the

coolest homework ever.

Okay, do you need help?

Please, make it a giant eyeball. This is what I was born to do.

All right, here's the bowl. I'm going to bed. Be careful with your project.

Don't put your eye out.

I am so...

Do we have any flour?

In the pantry. Good night. Wait, where do we keep the newspaper?

In the office.

Anything else?

Nope. Good.

Except for white primer paint, acrylic paint, a balloon, and some cardboard.

If I leave you alone, you're going to mess up my kitchen, aren't you? And an X

-Acto knife.

And kill yourself.

I wouldn't mean to, but yes.

James, I've been an eye model for an hour now. I miss...

Why don't you let Gabby do this?

Because I don't even like looking at her from a distance.

James, I'm tired.

I kind of got that from those giant bags.

All right, you know what? We're done here.

I'm taking my eyes back.

Don't get up. Wasn't gonna.

Aaron, Brody and his mom are here to pick you up for your sleepover. Do you

help bringing your suitcase down?

Thanks for letting Brody sleep over.

Over here?

Wasn't the plan to have Aaron sleep over your house?

No, silly. You remember. I told you I had this thing. You never mention a

I would have remembered a thing.

Well, maybe I didn't mention it, but now I have this thing.

Brody's thing's not a problem, right? I mean, you're not going anywhere. You've

got kids.

You have a kid, and you're going somewhere. And I really appreciate it.

Now, here are Brody's allergies, nutritional requirements, and bedtime

Oh.

He comes with a user's manual.

Yeah, we got copies in class.

He's why I can't have peanut butter.

He's vegan, asthmatic, and corn intolerant. When in doubt, don't give it

feed it to him, or say it to him. He's sensitive.

No nuts, GMOs, or air.

Exactly.

So I packed his purifier.

They're going to have so much fun.

Oh. That reminds me. Don't let him laugh. It triggers his asthma.

So what time first thing tomorrow are you picking him up first thing tomorrow?

You're funny.

Have a safe time, boys.

Bye.

And, Mom, I'm hungry.

What do you have that's on my approved food list?

Well, from the looks of this, water.

Oh, wait. We don't have that kind of water.

Debbie, can you please walk to the store for me? I would love to. Always happy

to help you out, Stephanie.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.

He's grounded. That's it.

Seriously?

I am so tired. I almost lost one. That's what happens when you've been up for

over 24 hours.

James, come on. We have to run to the store.

Hey, Brody, where does your mom get alkaline water and corn syrup -free

seaweed gummies?

all of Brody's seaweed gummies. Not that bad when you dip it in this green

superfood powder.

And stop eating his superfood powder.

Boys, go put these groceries away.

And James, do me a favor. Make Brody a brown rice cake and edamame butter

sandwich. Yay!

That bed's great.

I slept like a baby.

I slept like a new mom, as in not at all.

I totally need to shut my eyes for an hour.

Well, it can't be the next hour, Lazy Bones. That's Holly and Nikki and Jules.

Holly, Nikki, and Jules are your friends.

34 hours.

Don't even think about it. You can sleep when you're dead.

Okay. Let's do that.

I found three kinds.

Single, string, and this stuff in a can.

I'm actually kind of hooked.

Aaron!

Brody! You should be in bed.

When did you get here?

I know.

Back upstairs.

Oh, well, see how it goes.

Really? Thanks, Steph.

So you're saying with a good fake ID, I can get into clubs?

It's not going well.

Come on, guys. When the kids are around, keep it PG -13.

Gabby, back upstairs.

This from the queen of the Mardi Gras beef.

What are Mardi Gras beads?

They're cheap necklaces you get for flashing your... Turn signal.

Gabby, upstairs. What did I tell you?

Wait a minute. Did you turn me into a drinking game?

No. No.

Yes.

What are you thinking telling a 14 -year -old about a fake ID?

Yeah, you're right. I didn't get mine until I was... No, I was 14.

And I got it from you.

Well, that's not how we do things in this house.

Anymore.

Boy, Saturday night Stephanie has really changed.

Saturday night Stephanie?

Gabby, stop eavesdropping. I'm not!

Aaron! Brody!

I said go to bed!

How many kids are in here?

What are you doing hitting him on the head?

We're shitting. I'd be hitting him.

I can't even feel it.

Cool. Want to try the hammer?

He can't handle corn and you want to hit him with a hammer?

Get ready for bed. What did I tell you?

All right.

Let's see. Did we brush our teeth with organic fluoride -free toothpaste?

Yep. Gargle with colloidal silver?

Uh -huh. And I peed twice so I don't wet the bed.

He wets the bed.

It's cold. Like I'm sleeping on newspapers.

Good looking out.

Good night, boys.

Aaron's mom, have you seen my inhaler?

No, buddy, I'm sorry. What happens if you don't have your inhaler? Then I

And what happens if you panic?

Then I need my inhaler.

Thank goodness.

Brody, it's going to be okay. We found your inhaler.

Inhaler? We've been looking for Nikki's earring. Oh, thank you.

If I lost these, I would die.

I present to you the amazing, gymongous human eyeball.

And look, it even cries.

Is that my inhaler?

Did you use Brody's inhaler? I used an inhaler.

How are we going to get it out of there?

I know. I've seen this a million times at parties.

Where's the candy?

Honey, that wasn't a pinata.

It was my project, and you ruined it. You ruined it by not having any candy.

Aaron, this isn't about candy. This is about a boy being able to breathe.

me, Aaron's mom.

Hold on, Brody. This is important.

Right.

James, we're going to make another eyeball in the morning. I promise.

Now, why don't you put the boys to bed, and I'll fix you a bowl of ice cream.

A little ice cream's not going to make this right.

What do you have in mind?

An eye for an eye.

You know what?

You can make that ice cream yourself, and the boys can put themselves to bed.

Aaron, lock your door.

He was the guy before your father. The underwear model.

Stephanie dated an underwear model?

Well, I never said she dated him.

No, no, no, no, no. This is not an appropriate conversation for a 14 -year

What did I tell you?

Stop that.

Lighten up, Steph.

Yeah, lighten up, Steph.

Lighten up?

Who do you think you're talking to?

You know, ever since your dad left, you've done nothing but challenge me.

you've been so uptight.

Oh, I'll show you uptight. You're grounded. I'm already grounded. And now

double grounded.

Go to your room, young lady, and don't come out until your dad gets home.

Gladly, because then I don't have to hang out with you.

Gabby, wait.

Oh, she'll be fine.

Oh, I gotta show you these boots I found. Worth every dime of my 401k.

I better go talk to her.

Again, Stephanie?

I thought we were going to have a big girlfriend on the weekend, but all

done is chase after kids.

I've counted six so far.

I'm being a mom.

Please, you're just doing a bunch of pain in the butt stuff.

Stupid projects, locking down a teenager, watching somebody else's weird

boy.

That's not being a mom, that's being a babysitter.

Yeah. Being a mom is dealing with like a girl who's falsely accused of murdering

her ballet teacher and ends up in a maximum security prison.

That's a plot to a TV movie.

I guess it could be.

No, it's the actual plot to a TV movie.

She was tried as an adult.

You guys don't get it.

This pain in the butt stuff is parenting.

James never gets excited about homework, and that little kid is the first friend

Aaron's made at school.

And Gabby, when I was just dating Charlie, she and I were pals. Now all of

sudden, it's a different relationship, and yes, we are still figuring our thing

out. But it's worth it.

I like being her friend, but I love being her mom.

Wow.

I am so never having kids.

They tried that girl as an adult?

How old was she?

Seven.

It was Texas.

Honey, I'm sorry.

You already have all these kids, and here I am being a brat myself.

I don't know what makes a great mom, but I know I've never seen you care this

much about anything.

Steph?

Are you mad?

Wake up, sleepyhead.

I'm up.

Okay, let's keep this party going.

Where's Ginny? James, let's build your eyeball.

Is Brody still alive?

I have to clean the house before you get home.

I am home, and the place looks great.

How did that happen?

I've been asleep for 12 hours.

Who cleaned up? I did.

I also got Ginny packed, helped James to build his project, and called Brody's

mom 12 times before she came to get him.

He survived the weekend?

Oh, yeah, there was a small issue that required his EpiPen, but we worked it

out.

Thank you.

Even though you were a huge pain this weekend, I know we're still figuring our

thing out.

And I liked being your friend, but I love this way, too.

Stop eavesdropping.

Oh, look at this.

My little Gabby is growing up.

Well, sometimes a little grounding is all it takes.

I guess Dad does know a thing or two about parenting. I think

he's being one, too, but don't say it, or we'll both get grounded.

So then, after I finished my consult, we all headed to the beach.

Oh, fun.

Yeah, it would have been, but it was swimsuits optional.

Picture a 300 -pound cardiac nurse just frolicking.

Should I be jealous?

Well, to be honest, I didn't look away.

Hi, Riz Mom.

Brody, you're back.