Original subtitles

Pizza's here.

Pizza's here.

If it gets cold, I have to cook something.

Move. That's my way.

We're here. Back away from the stove.

Just for that, I'm making meatloaf tomorrow.

So enjoy your pizza.

I will.

I'm starving.

Oh.

That's not Pizza Genie pizza.

No, this place is new. They do the whole wood fire thing.

But it looks different.

It is different.

Change is good.

Sorry, Steph, but you know Dad, he always goes to the same pizza place, the

gas station, the same pump.

Pump 7 has the good squeegee.

The same squeegee?

Here you go, sweetie.

None for me, thanks. I'm a creature of habit.

If it ain't broke, don't wood -fire it.

He won't even try it? Well, we all have our comfort zones.

I always order from Pizza Genie, and you always make that same face when you

think I'm wrong.

Ah, see? There it is. Uh -huh. Point, Charlie.

Why do I even bother?

Can't feed an old dog new pizza.

You think you know me so well.

Yes, for delivery, please.

I'd like a medium mushroom and onion pizza.

Ooh, bed sheet on a table.

It's a tent with children underneath it.

We're camping.

We're earning our mirror badges for Woodland Scout.

We've already earned one for building a fire.

Really? In the kitchen?

We turn on stoves.

Fire is fire.

Charlie, I think the Woodland Scouts are expecting the kids to earn their

camping badges by, you know, camping.

Perhaps in the woodland?

Oh, camping with Del was great. Not cold.

not wet, not foggy, not camping.

Boy, hey, starting today, you're going to earn your camping badges the right

with real camping in the real woods.

Yay! Have fun getting frostbite and malaria.

Dad and I will be roughing it with pizza in front of the TV.

Yeah, I just heard about this new wood fireplace that we're not going to try.

High five, buddy.

No, no, no. You know what?

We're all going camping. The whole family next week. And I'll check with

and Brody's parents, too. We're going to the woods! Yes!

Camping! Dad, make it stop.

I'm in. I've been wanting to shoot a survivor audition tape. If anyone needs

I'll be making clothing out of bandanas.

Come on.

Camping is just voluntary homelessness.

I work really hard, so we don't have to camp.

and I'm a natural born city kid. My habitat is a concrete jungle. You're a

suburban kid and your habitat is a concrete driveway.

Which ends now.

Oh, come on. What do you know about camping, Miss? Charlie, oh, Charlie,

the spider before it charges.

When it's a cricket.

I know that I camped as a kid and I know we're going next weekend.

We're camping. We're camping.

Your toaster s'mores are ready.

At this point, Dad, that's just sad.

Hey, Dad, do we have a machete?

Survivor only lets you have one luxury item, and I really want to make it

Here. Takes a little more elbow grease, but our machete's in the dishwasher.

Maybe I'll just choose toothpaste.

I love the smell of bug repellent in the morning.

Don't tell your sister, but that was non -stick cooking spray.

Okay, Dad, you're really taking us to the edge of the cliff here. What are we

going to do?

What do you mean, what are we going to do? I don't want to go.

You don't want to go.

How are we going to not go?

Come on, James, it's important to Stephanie. We have to support her and

blah, blah, hand me those beans.

Maybe we'll find your spine out in the forest.

Really, James?

Because we have a lot of kids and a lot of rest stops, and dads do get careless.

And I thought we were brothers in the struggle, Dad.

Look, more trees.

You've been saying that for the past two hours.

It's the woods. We get it.

Children.

Are we there yet?

Really? From you?

Yeah, from me. The guy with 200 pounds on his back.

It's 0900 hours, and one of the castaways is already getting cranky.

It's not me, because my puka beads are off the hook.

It's all good now.

We'll wait till the sun goes down. They have coyotes and porcupines looking for

people to eat.

I read there's also bobcats and bears.

Bears? Oh, I forgot you're afraid of bears. Did you?

Did you really?

Okay, everybody.

This is it.

We're here.

Where?

Where's the campground?

Charlie, we're going for an authentic wilderness experience.

We're going to make our own campsite without other people hanging around

What if somebody gets hurt out here?

We've got you.

What if I get hurt?

Don't get hurt.

Anyway, I got a flare.

Oh. Well, I'm sure if they miss the flare, someone will notice the wildfire

starts.

Don't worry, Charlie. We have everything we need. And if all else fails, attack

my mamma -tude.

Oh, your mamma -tude.

We're gonna die out here.

Good wind direction.

Light breeze.

Hmm. No recent animal track.

Are you sure? Check everywhere.

Because bears are shifty.

I'm sure. Might make hunting tough, though.

Try lifting this bag of food. Anything you want to hunt, I'm pretty sure it's

there. Well, we need to hoist that bag up a tree to protect it from bears. So

let me get this straight.

We've taught the bears with food they can't reach.

Get them all hungry and frustrated, then lay on the ground in single -serving

sleeping bags?

Stop fussing.

Let's get to dinner and settle in, boys.

Go gather some wood.

Fuckin' Lord!

You mean you can drive up here?

Hi, hi, hi!

Grandma Maggie?

Mother? What are you doing here?

I put a tracker app on your phone.

I told you not to do that.

Well, then this is just one big old coincidence.

You know I couldn't let my baby wander off into the wilderness not knowing a

lick about camping. I camped as a kid.

The one time you went with your uncles, you were six.

They did all the work. All you did was roast marshmallows.

Yeah, but I got them golden brown every time.

Hey.

Hey? You mean you don't know what you're doing? Because, hey, you kind of said

you did.

Don't worry, Charlie.

That's why I'm here.

Me? And the American Dreamliner.

I am so inside. Mom,

you're undermining me. You know me.

I will stay out of your way. I'm going to be way over here just watching you.

Trying to pitch a tent.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's going to be a short show.

Hi.

There's Emmanuel.

Which is in Swedish.

And for a platform bed.

Still no shelter.

And it's getting cold. Some of the tribe have begun a slow descent into madness.

Stupid tent.

Why can't you be a platform bed? Then I can build you.

Where are we going fishing?

It's almost a fish's bedtime.

I told you we fish when the tent's up.

did they give us an extra temple just to mess with me my dad's tent just pops up

whenever you take it out of the bag did you bring your dad's tent no then you're

not helping me why do i keep getting bitten did you use the bug spray the bug

spray bug spray not the cooking bug spray which takes 20 minutes to wash off

i've been told no i didn't use any bug spray it clashes with my perfume

Give me that.

Oh, ew, ew, in my mouth, in my mouth.

Charlie, can you toss the water?

Charlie, he and James left for the RV when Grandma Maggie made cocoa.

Charlie!

Boys, please go over to that rolling retirement home and tell those guys to

out and help finish setting up camp.

It isn't pretty, but it'll do.

On

Survivor, tents

have to be earned.

We should just weave a lean -to out of palm fronds and fish bones.

Gabby? I appreciate your disturbing level of enthusiasm, but you might

this is real, not reality.

Here, shoot me using that branch to prop up the tent.

Night falls in the wilds of Pennsylvania.

Our shelter has been compromised.

I think I can get it. No, don't touch it. Don't touch it. Get it out. Don't

touch it. No, no, no. Sweetie, it's really in there.

Grandma Maggie never goes anywhere without her touch -up tweezers.

Maybe I should go and ask her?

Fine.

But when you come back, you better not smell cocoa on your breath.

Maybe this goes on the inside.

I don't know what you're doing. I love that.

Oh, do you?

How do you love this?

You're gonna die!

Now, can I please have some assistance here? If we all work together, we can

the tent up.

Rain!

We're fine.

When you see lightning, but there's no thunder, the storm far, far away.

Did anyone have any luck?

It's too dark to see anything in there.

Those seas are gone.

Please, get into this. I know it's outside of your comfort zone. Food is

comfort zone.

If you'll die without it, not a comfort zone.

Once we have shelter, I'll lower the rope and get our food out of the bear

People, seriously, stop talking about bears.

Oh, I felt a raindrop.

Don't you start with me.

Okay, that's it.

Let's do this.

Well,

excuse me for trying to teach these boys to appreciate nature even when it gets

a little rough.

Move! I've got hair!

The night drags on.

It's cold, it's wet, there's no food, and only one alliance seems to be

There is food, Gabby.

There's food, but it's mysteriously up a tree where we can't eat it.

Not mysteriously. I put it up there in case the... Don't say it.

Well, I hope you're nice and toasty in my sleeping bag, Maggie.

I am.

Charlie, stop being stubborn and just come share my bag.

Nope. If I'm that close to you, I won't stay mad.

And I want to stay mad.

All right, suit yourself.

I'm all cozy -wozy.

Fine. At least then I'll just be famished -whamished.

Ow! James, stop pushing me. Grandma Maggie's pushing me. Ow! I am not. I'm

sleeping on a rock or something.

appreciate there are eight of us in here.

Now, everybody be still or someone will have to go outside.

Sorry, Gabby. You had a good run.

Not so fast. The tribal council has to vote. I vote for Gabby.

Wait. Did you hear that?

The rain stopped.

We can eat?

We can eat.

Bears can't get our food, but a pack of raccoons are making their way through

our sticky butt.

Raccoons? Why did I think to be a queen alone?

They're nature's burglars.

So what do we do now, Sacagawea?

My back is killing me.

I've been lying on a root all night.

Actually, I think that's my wrist.

This whole trip has been a total disaster.

I so wondered if it became a true camping experience.

You did.

This is exactly what I always thought a real camping experience would be.

That's the other part of it.

Where did your sense of adventure go?

When we were dating, you were spunkier and more spontaneous.

I was wooing you.

The woo is complete.

It's just who I am. I'm not a... seat -of -the -pants kind of person.

But I kind of am.

Okay. So we're a little different.

Okay. It's working.

Up here, aren't I?

Honey,

the kid's got a fire going.

Looks like Gabby's cooking something.

Is it James?

No.

some, too.

Go before they eat everything. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Now that we've made up, let's make up.

I've heard it's intense and tense.

Still here.

I never knew baked beans could taste so good.

Everything tastes better outside.

True.

The raccoons are probably too full from eating all the good food to bother with

the beans.

I found my keys!

Nope. That's a... You

still haven't told me how you guys got the fire started.

First, I carved a little notch in a piece of bark. Then I put a little pile

tinder nesting on it and started working it with a stick.

Then a ranger came and lent us his lighter.

What's up, sweetie?

I don't want Grandma Maggie to be mad.

You found the keys?

When? Yesterday.

But I didn't want the RV to ruin our good time.

You had a good time?

The best.

Me too.

Mama dude.

Aren't you going to give those to Grandma Maggie?

Not just yet.

Let's not ruin my good time either.

Forget this. Turns out you have to be 18 to be on Survivor. Next time we go

camping, I have to do a video all over again.

Next time we go camping, I'll join you via satellite.

Next time we go camping, I'm going to book us a five -star resort and just

it camping.

There's the girl I married.

Oh, don't worry, buddy.

Think fast.

You just got a fish.

Stick. It counts.

All right. I earned all my badges.

Sometimes momitude is knowing when to use the little datitude.