Original subtitles

Something wrong, Eric?

I got girl troubles.

Been there.

You want to go back?

Sam says I have to get her present because I'm her boyfriend.

Sam? Oh, right.

The little girl from your night terrors.

Dad told me how you felt threatened by her.

Look, I didn't say I felt threatened by her. I said I was threatened by her.

Several times.

And be honest, aren't you a little afraid of her?

Well, sure, I'm her boyfriend.

I have to be if I know what's good for me.

Best you learn that early.

Because it's completely not true. You are pretty.

And you're cute.

Since it's our very first Valentine's Day as a married couple, you get a one

-time pass.

Sam would love anything you get her, as much as she's capable of human emotion.

Uh, yeah, you could get her jewelry like Stephanie's. That's still a good gift,

right? You'd want more of that, wouldn't you? Hmm? Right?

I do love jewelry.

Now that's a choice.

No, we do this every Valentine's Day. It's her way of protesting the fact that

won't let her date until she's 16.

But this year you have Owen, and you are allowed to group date. No one will want

to group date with us on Valentine's Day.

I guess I'll just be sitting alone in my room tonight like some spinster with

fingernails longer than her hair.

Sounds like a plan. We'll send you up a sandwich.

Fine. If you're going to be heartless, I might as well be stylish.

Can't you be stylish with something I didn't buy for myself yesterday?

Where are you going?

To the jewelry store. Apparently it's Valentine's Day!

Center for Charlie kind of got away from me.

Hey, all clear. Good thing you knew where the fire extinguisher was.

Since you discovered the stove, Dad's put one in every room.

We do drills.

Ordering a pizza can be romantic, right? When it comes to your cooking, romantic

and humane.

Did you come over here for a reason?

My Valentine's date isn't until 6 o 'clock.

Want to watch a movie?

Ooh.

Your wedding video.

I love a good screwball comedy.

No, Mom. Charlie and I haven't even seen it yet. I wanted to surprise them with

it on our first Valentine's Day. I'm going to make watching it an annual

tradition.

Well, traditionally, you would be the bride in the video.

But that ain't you.

Oops. It's Charlie's first wedding. I must have grabbed the wrong one.

Stupid unreadable calligraphy.

Turn it off.

Oh, mama.

What kind of a bride wears a velvet gown?

Look at her, sweating like she knows that marriage isn't going to last.

He got her dubbed?

Oh, come on. You had that frozen teddy bear thing.

That was an ice sculpture of Cupid.

Charlie got me a horse -drawn carriage, a bell choir, and remember those

beautiful vows he wrote?

Stephanie, today begins a journey that will last forever.

Not only, uh... Kimberly, today begins a journey

that will last forever.

Not only as partners in love, but as best friends.

This is my vow to you and you.

Alone.

I'm watching that again.

No, you aren't.

I cannot believe this. What kind of insensitive moron would reuse their

vows? Hey there.

If anybody wants me, I'll be in my room. Not that. anybody wants me.

So, what are we watching?

In about five seconds, we'll be watching you tap dancing.

How could you reuse your vows to Kim when you married me?

Oh, five, six, seven, eight!

Stephanie, I swear, I had new vows written for you. Great vows, but I lost

on the way to the church.

I had to wing it, I got nervous, and the wrong ones just spilled out. Our

wedding album is sitting in our bedroom with Kim's vows written on the cover.

I want new vows, Charlie.

And you'll get them, I promise.

Would you happen to know what you want them to say?

You figure it out.

Unbelievable. Your first wedding was so long ago. How did you even remember what

you said?

Kimberly had this awful tradition where every Valentine's Day, she'd drag out

our wedding video and force me to sit through it.

Who in their right mind would think that is romantic and special?

Can I at least give you a kiss so I know we're all right?

I think we all know what you can kiss.

Hey, sweetie.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. If Owen doesn't want to spend Valentine's Day together, that's cool.

Caramel is my boyfriend now.

Slide over.

I'm leaving your dad for this peanut cluster.

Today couldn't have been all that bad. Look at all these Valentines you got.

They're not for me. I was on Candy Grand Patrol at my school, and I may or may

not have kept them all.

Why should others know love?

Okay. Tell me everything that happened.

I know why Owen and I can't be together tonight, but why would he completely

ignore me at school?

Boys are dumb.

But they grow up to be men. And then they're stupid.

You'll get through it. You just need to find something to distract you.

Thanks, Steph.

I got a family time.

Dear Jane, you'll be mine forever.

Love, you know who.

Boom!

And Gabby's not.

James, room, now.

Totally worth it.

No, he can stay, Stephanie.

I think I found my distraction.

Okay, but don't break anything.

And by anything, I mean your brother.

James! You didn't see who gave you that valentine, did you?

No, but it was obviously Dana.

Duh.

Oh.

Why wouldn't Dana sign her name? This was written by someone with something to

hide.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh. What? Uh -oh.

Ricky, a boy from my school got a valentine just like this one.

Long story short, this girl ended up breaking into his house and leaving him

baggie full of her baby teeth.

She stalked him so bad that Ricky and his family finally had to flee the

country. Mm -hmm.

Where did Ricky go?

Canada. What state in Canada?

Canada doesn't have states, you goon.

Isn't that a little convenient?

All I'll say is, lock your windows and sleep with both eyes open.

You don't know what this girl might be capable of.

How'd you do that?

What's wrong?

We got robbed. My jewelry box is gone.

Everything. My grandmother's ring, my sorority pin, all those earrings.

How could someone pick my jewelry?

I did.

Dad told me to.

What? At breakfast, remember?

You said I should get Sam jewelry like Stephanie's.

Aaron, sweetie, you gave all of my jewelry to Sam?

Good call.

She really liked it.

Samantha. I'm here because... Get me back my jewelry box!

Here. I didn't even want it. It's hideous.

Ouch.

Where's all my jewelry?

I gave it to my grandmother.

You would never give anybody anything.

Cough up my jewelry.

What's going on out here?

I'm Stephanie Phillips.

I believe you have something that belongs to me.

And you're wearing every single...

to Montgomery, and I don't know what you're talking about.

We don't want the other children treating Sam differently because of her

well to the fact that the school was named after her great -great

They go to Hoover Elementary.

Who would have thought that a simple vacuum cleaner would give us all this?

It's J.

Edgar Hoover. He founded the FBI.

You're right. I've said too much. I'm afraid you'll have to go.

Not without my jewelry. I don't know why you keep calling this your jewelry.

These pieces have been in my family for generations.

Roberta, you're wearing a necklace that says Stephanie.

And that is my sorority pin.

You were in triangle, triangle, triangle as well.

Hey, sister.

Delta, delta, delta. Also, wow.

You know, maybe we should let the police sort this out.

Forgive me.

Things have been a little difficult since my husband passed on.

Oh, I am so sorry.

His heart gave out on the golf course. The people behind him just played

through.

That's awful.

I can't imagine. This would have been our 30th Valentine's Day together.

Somehow the jewelry felt like Ernie had found a way to give me one last gift.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you pick your favorite piece as a present for me and Ernie?

Only one.

Hey, Berta.

Where's my golf bag? I told you, Ernie. I threw it in the pool house.

Thanks, babe.

you scream i didn't scream i said whoa what happened in here

i bet your crazy stalker did this i wanted to get a water but now i'm afraid

open the fridge oh come on black roses

to jane i think you know what these mean what do these mean

let's see Yellow is friendship. Red is romance. Black is...

Oh, yeah.

Love me or I'll kill you.

I'm coming over later.

There's one more thing I want to give you.

I don't recognize this number.

Did you do this? Did you see me do it? I really do have a stalker. I don't want

to go to Canada.

Their bacon is all wrong.

James, clean this up so I don't have to ask what you did.

Gabby, what do you think of this for Stephanie's vows?

You are the woman for whom I was made. The one who taught me how to love.

Love is a myth.

Women are crazy.

Tough kitchen.

from Sumatra. Ernie grinds the beans by hand.

You can serve me all the frou -frou coffee you want, but I am not leaving

without my jewelry.

That is amazing. Am I tasting hazelnut?

Ernie's an artist with a samovar.

You know I can take you, right?

I can physically hold you down and rip my jewelry off of you.

My six years in the Israeli army says bring it on.

Okay, but you owe me.

Grandma, can I talk to you in private? Of course, darling.

I always have time for my little sugar plum.

Don't worry.

Sam's gonna handle this. What does that mean? You know, Sam, she's real

convincing. I've learned not to ask questions.

Fifteen other girls in your class and she has to be your girlfriend?

Who are you telling?

Here.

Take it off.

I don't want it anyway.

Hideous. I'm getting way better stuff when the queen comes.

Really? She's coming here. The queen.

Elizabeth.

Latifah.

So, I'm just going to take this and catch the first train out of crazy town.

See you tomorrow at your house.

You promised her a play date? At our house?

What is wrong with you?

She wants his jewelry.

There's a girl who's obsessed with me.

I remember when your dad was that way.

What did you do to get him to stop? I wish I knew.

Dana, get in here. There's a psycho out there.

Hi, James.

I'll leave you two to figure this out.

I hope it's okay he came over. He never answered my text.

What text?

From before.

About coming over.

I forgot to tell you about my new phone, didn't I?

So wait a minute.

You did put the Valentine on my locker, but you didn't break into my kitchen.

You did send me a text, but you didn't send me I'll kill you roses.

Are you seeing another girl?

No, but my sister's a psycho.

Anyway, happy Valentine's Day, James.

You ready? Yes. I've been looking forward to this all day.

Vow me.

Here, stand up. Okay.

And give me your ring.

But you better give it back.

I've had enough jewelry drama today.

Stephanie. Yay!

Where are you going?

Okay, well, Owen and his mom are outside. Turns out he wasn't ignoring me

school. He was busy rounding up a bunch of kids whose parents make them group

date. Dad, can I go to the movie?

Be home by 10. Oh, girl, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Isn't Valentine's Day the best?

Stephanie,

although love cannot sustain us, I cannot be sustained without love.

I admire your passion and cherish your touch.

Love me forever.

And forever, I will be complete.

That was so... I know, right?

Lame.

Lame? That was some grade -A premium romance. I admire your passion.

Where did you get those vows? The internet?

good enough okay first you give me kim's vows then you give me internet vows

what does that say about our marriage why does it have to say anything about

marriage i spent the whole day dealing with the kids valentine's the only

bit of romance i was gonna have for myself was something i should have

last year but you blew it all over again what does that say about us charlie

well one of us watched someone else's wedding video and lost her mind and why

don't you lose your mind where's your passion i'm passionate Please, I'll tell

you I'll meet you in bed in ten. You're asleep in five.

Because when I make it the full ten, you come in and rub cream all over your

feet. Greasy toes don't rev my engine.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah? Well, you... You never clean the garage.

Oh, is that what this is going to be? A laundry list of complaints?

Oh, don't even get me started on your laundry. Mr. Floor is the hamper.

All right, then.

You... You can't say the word cinnamon. I can.

Cinnamon. Who cares? Nutmeg's better.

Well, this has been quite the Valentine's Day.

So much for romance.

Newsflash. This is real romance.

Love isn't flowers and cheesy vows. It's your partner's annoying, petty

peccadillos that you suffer through because you can't imagine living without

her.

Love is waking up every morning, thankful for another day of you driving

crazy.

You mean that?

You love the way I drive you crazy?

Absolutely.

All your makeup all over the bathroom counter, your hair clogging up the

Charlie, you had me at crazy. Don't lose me.

You ready for some wine?

Hi, hi, hi.

Does that summon her?

This has been some Valentine's Day.

My blind date was a ventriloquist.

That's kind of different. What did you guys talk about? Nothing. The puppet

wouldn't shut up.

You mean he... brought the dummy with him along on the date? Oh, yeah.

What? We had to wait an hour for a table for three. Well, was he at least cute?

The date, not the dummy.

That man had so much work done, the puppet looked more lifelike.

Well, I hope he picked up the check.

Picked it up and handed it right to me.

Don't worry, Mom. There's always more fish in the sea. That's what I told his

wife once I found out he had a wife.