Original subtitles

Please, please, please.

This is my first Christmas with my new family, and my stepson is literally

over this toy.

OK, well, if you're going to take literally literally, then would it help?

Oh, come on.

All I'm asking you to do is hold it.

Hi, hi, hi.

Do I need to come down there?

Thank you.

They'll hold it for you. OK, how did you do that?

I returned a hairdryer there two months ago.

It's a toy store.

They took it.

Well, thank you. Aaron is going to be over the moon.

So what's the hot new toy this year?

It's called the Spinnovator. I have no idea what it is or what it does, but we

just scored the last one in the state.

Oh, this takes me back to your childhood.

There was nothing like throwing down in a toy store over some popular doll.

Fine, then you can pick up the Spinnovator for me.

Twelve desserts of Christmas.

Great, because I'm only up to five fruitcake rings.

I love our tradition.

You and I really did have some great Christmases when I was growing up.

Okay,

that was weird.

Heavy Secret Santa got her a super awesome sound effects box.

Why would someone in my class think I want this? Am I too serious?

Do I need to lighten up? Come on, people, tell me.

Who cares? It makes 20 different sounds. So you have one that's appropriate for

any occasion.

When is this appropriate?

I'll get it. Wait.

Why are you taking my purse?

Because I have something to tell you, and I want to make sure I have your car

keys before I do.

Who's at the door?

My father.

Next words out of your mouth better be who art in heaven.

More like who art from Cleveland.

You invited your father, my ex?

What were you thinking?

Now it's appropriate.

It's Christmas with my new family, and I wanted the kids to spend it with both

their new grandparents.

I cannot see that man.

Okay, this is crazy.

It's time for the both of you to get past it. Come on!

It's Christmas! We haven't even been in the same room in 25 years!

And it's my favorite tradition!

Okay, I'm gonna hide in the kitchen.

Please, get rid of him!

Did she just say hide?

Did she just say please?

Listen up, kids. Before I open the door... I want to give you a heads up

Grandma Maggie and Grandpa Franklin.

Sometimes when parents don't get along, they decide they can't stay married. You

do remember you're not our first mom, right?

Well then, blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, there might be some tension.

You know what else there's going to be? An extra grandparent.

Which, if my calculations are correct, translates into 20 % more presents.

Oh, I do love math.

Don't get too excited.

I'm not saying he's cheap.

But the only thing in his wallet is a coupon for another wallet.

I'm glad that I'll finally get to meet him.

Assuming he hasn't frozen to death out on the port.

Hi, Pat.

Hi, kiddo.

Come on in and meet everybody.

Hey, you must be Charlie. Sorry again about missing the wedding. Oh, that's

okay. Thanks again for those tire chains.

Um, hey, they might not be flashy, but I'd like to see you get out of a ditch

with the silver gravy boat.

And we must be your new grandchildren.

I'm James.

I'll be your favorite.

I'm Gabby, and that's Aaron.

Cute kids.

So, um, where's your mother? You said we'd all have a chance to spend

together.

What beautiful flowers.

They're for your mom.

Why don't we put these in some water?

Thank you.

Yeah, I wouldn't want them to wilt. They cost a fortune at the gas station.

She'd be crazy not to want these.

And childish and immature.

This is a marvelous place, Charlie.

Uh, thank you.

What is this, a whole other room? Good gracious, this is a mansion.

Well, you, uh...

just to get away from the bigger one?

Beautiful family, Stephanie. Beautiful home.

A few too many lights on for my taste, but I guess every day's a party when

you're married to a cardiologist, huh?

You know what goes good at a party?

Gifts.

Well, time for me to check into my motel, but why don't I come back for

What are you cooking?

It really has been a while since you've seen Stephanie.

It's good to see you, Dad.

What have you done?

What's the deal, Grandma Maggie? He didn't seem so bad.

Everybody likes bacon till it gives you a heart attack.

Hey, hey, hey, those bacon heart attacks are my bread and butter.

Also, butter is my bread and butter.

Trust me, you do not want to see what I become when that man and I are together.

I just thought that... I don't care what you thought!

And there is nothing that you or anybody else could do or say that would make me

spend one minute with Franklin Turner as I live and

breathe.

What are you doing here?

I forgot my bag.

Well, why didn't you call someone? Let them know that you were coming.

I had to fix myself up.

Oh, you look just right to me. Always have, ever since high school. Watch how

you throw around that sweet talk now.

I might forget myself.

Oh, amnesia never sounded so good.

Why don't I help you get settled at that motel?

Mom, you can reach me on my cell phone, but don't.

The way my mom talked, I was afraid they might end up throwing chairs.

What the heck was that?

Hey, your mom's happy.

And she's gone.

I call that a Christmas miracle.

I'm sorry, y 'all. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with this. You

could give it to someone who wants to name James.

Charlie, could you help the kids with the ornaments while I run out and get

honey ham?

I have so much more I have to do since my mom went all Jingle Bells.

What is Grandma Nazzy? Yeah, we were supposed to get her eggnog on. She's

probably with Grandpa Franklin, acting like teenagers instead of the elderly.

Elderly?

They're not that old.

Dad and Grandpa Franklin are practically the same age.

No, we're a generation apart. He's got a good 36 months on me.

I'm so sorry that we are late, but your granddad likes to linger over his coffee

and newspaper.

That's not an old thing. That's a guy thing.

I am so glad you're here. I can't remember what comes after nine lady

dancing. Ten creme brulees are leaping.

That sounds like an awful lot of sugar.

Your dad's right. Skip the desserts and let's just do a veggie plate.

and he forgets from beloved grandparents.

I want a Spinnervator.

That's the hot new toy this year.

It lights up, it spins, and it goes up and down.

Actually, I have something for you.

Meg, but I'm listening.

A nickel.

You know what you can buy if you save ten of those?

a clue to where you're going with this.

Hey, now, when I was a boy, if I wanted something, I had to work for it.

You don't think this is work?

I don't understand the appeal of real trees. They shed and catch fire.

And you only have to buy a fake tree once.

I have been saying that for years.

And I'm never saying it again.

Franklin, what do you do for a living?

I'm a bean counter.

Ah, a numbers guy.

Nope, quality control at Van Leer Bean Company.

278 in every can.

But I'm retiring next year.

Retiring? At our age?

Your, your, your age?

I'm gonna go wrangle my really young kids. Then I'm gonna maybe run a few

And then maybe have some more kids.

Because I can still do that.

Your dad says that fake trees are better.

Mom, these are your traditions we've always followed.

But who says I'm always right?

You do.

But since Dad has been here, you've been a little... Not you.

Sweetheart, I haven't felt like this in 25 years.

That man just does something to me.

But who can explain the mysteries of the human heart?

Charlie can, but it takes, like, four hours.

I guess the real question is, are you happy?

Of course my Maggie's happy.

And I'm about to make her happier.

Magpie, from the minute I saw you, I knew we were meant to be together

Again.

Maggie Turner, will you remarry me?

What?

Franklin Turner, yes, I will.

What? No, wait, wait, no.

Isn't this kind of sudden?

Don't you at least want to think about it? Nah.

Who needs thinking when I got my man?

I remember when you were little, you used to eat all the popcorn before we

string it. I did?

Some things never change.

Like your mama. Kind of funny, really. I mean, we broke up partly because she

was so clingy. But as I get on in years, I feel I'm less and less interested in

the feisty, mind -your -own type of girl.

I'm sorry.

You only want Mom so she can be your doormat? Hey, don't sell your mother

She's a great cook, too.

There you are, Grandpa Franklin.

I've been looking all over for you. What you need, Jimmy?

Jimmy?

Yeah.

Jimmy needs you to come to the other room.

Aaron and I have a little presentation for you.

Okay. Oh, just so you know... I was short on supplies, so I had to reuse an

science project. So just ignore the drying of the large intestine.

Hey.

Look what I found.

Mistletoe. You know what that means. Charlie, I don't have time for romance.

need to get my mom to dump my dad.

I'll call the afternoon talk show, see if I can get you three booked.

Honey, I never should have brought them back together.

That's what my mom was afraid of. Not that they'd fight, but what she'd turn

into when he's around.

Well, sit him down like grown -ups and talk to him about their love life.

I don't want to talk about my parents' love life.

Ew, ew.

Now all I see is them on some bare -skin rug.

That's silly.

Ew, ew, ew, ew.

They're cuddling.

And she's the big spoon.

conclusion. The entire body would shut down and not call you on your birthday

it is nourished with a steady diet of presents.

Thank you. Merry Christmas, and the mall is closed at 8.

I've owned a lot.

How about you, Grandpa Franklin?

Yeah, that dog won't hunt. We don't need it to hunt. We need it to fetch.

Fetch us a gift card.

Gift cards are a waste of money. Seriously?

Grandkids, grandpa, Christmas.

It's not voluntary.

I hear you, I hear you.

Here's another nickel.

Half that's yours, champ.

Come on, Aaron. Let's go put our nickels together and buy nothing.

Oh, look at the time. We got to get that early bird special.

Come on, Mac Pies. Mom, I was hoping we could talk.

Oh, all right.

Sweetheart, go on. I'll be right there. Warm up the car.

And waste all that gas?

I'll just jog in place till you get there.

Mom, this whole thing about you and Dad getting remarried, I don't think you're

good for each other.

All Dad cares about is himself.

Then we're perfect, because all I care about is him, too.

Gotta go, baby. My man is waiting.

Well, enjoy your early bird special.

My what?

Oh, yeah.

Early bird special.

Yeah, that's what we call it.

No? Why?

What are you doing? That's a fine electronic device. It came all the way

China.

I'm trying to get it open. I think whatever my secret Santa really gave me

hidden inside.

Like a necklace or something.

No, he was going to get you a necklace, but I told him to get you this thing

instead. Him? Him who?

Owen, that obviously deranged guy that likes you.

Wait.

He called and asked what to get you. I told him this.

What? Why?

Because I knew you'd hate it, and then I'd get it.

But you couldn't take the most obvious hint.

For example... Hint, hint.

Owen wanted to get me a necklace, but instead you had him get me some stupid

plastic noise box.

Ten, nine, eight... Why do you count? I'd stop asking and start running.

Gabby's being naughty!

I told you to drape evenly so it looks natural.

When have you ever seen this in the forest?

Never. Because in the forest, it's not clumpy.

Do you think Santa will be okay on macaroons?

No. Santa prefers chocolate chip, but Mrs. Claus has her traditions.

Sorry I'm late.

Where have you been? I was getting worried.

Oh, all you have to worry about is what to wear to our wedding.

Tonight.

In Vegas.

Our flight leaves at 7.

Franklin, is this a dream?

Is this a joke?

You're going to miss Christmas?

No, no, no, no, no. We're going to have it right now. The kids can open these

right away and then we'll get at them.

There you go.

There's for the little ones. There you go, Jimmy.

Oh, gee.

A hairbrush.

From the 89 cent store.

You two can get together and really have something there.

You know what, kids? I'm going to set you guys up to watch TV in our bedroom.

Maybe Santa will get me a TV from my bedroom.

Maybe Santa will get you a job to help you pay for it.

Uh, James, take your presents and put them in the pantry. You can have them

Christmas breakfast.

Yay!

Don't worry.

I got something for my little girl, too.

Oh!

Pantyhose egg.

And cotton balls.

You know me so well, Dad.

Actually, those cotton balls are for Charlie.

All right.

Let's take you home and get you packed.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh, I forgot. Your change.

I had to take out $3 for parking.

You were supposed to pick up Aaron's Spinovator that I had on hold.

I did. I sold it.

You sold the Spinovator? Yeah, how do you think I'm able to pay for this Vegas

trip plus all these gifts?

You know, when I was walking out of the store with that thing, these two frantic

moms offered me this outrageous amount of money for it. It would have been

irresponsible of me not to take it. Aaron really wanted that Spinovator.

It's just a toy. Next week there'll be another toy.

Hold up.

You had your hands on a Spinovator, and you gave Aaron raisins instead?

What were you thinking?

Well, right now I'm thinking children should be seen and not heard.

I've ever met, and I've been to kindergarten.

James, do not talk to your grandfather like that.

Allow me.

Upstairs, James. Someone's halls are about to get decked.

Franklin, you are a real piece of work.

You come in here, lay your hoodoo voodoo on me.

me away from my family, then you steal the one thing my grandbaby wants for

Christmas and replace it with some junk from the 89 cent store.

Ain't nobody want fiber for Christmas.

Excuse me? And while you are at it, sell that in front of the toy store, because

I know a cubic zirconia when I see one.

Uh -huh.

We're talking about fake jewelry.

Take those earrings off. You look like street trash.

Oh, I've missed you, Mommy.

Wait, all this ruckus over some toy? What about a romantic weekend in Vegas?

I've got these tickets.

You know something, Franklin? I think it's time for you to go.

Thanks for inviting me, Stephanie. I'm sorry things didn't work out.

Me too, Dad.

Merry Christmas.

You too, kiddo.

Hey, still got all these lights on. Must be nice.

You sent him to get that toy on purpose, didn't you?

Yep. I knew the only person you would listen to was you.

So I got you to say what you needed to hear.

I sure told me.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Didn't I tell you to take those earrings off?

Affidavated! Oh, no!

I thought your dad sold that.

Nope. Those two frantic moms outside the store were my friends, Pam and Erica.

Here we go.

Wait a second. The hottest.

Hardest to find. Most expensive toy of the year. Is a yo -yo.