Original subtitles

Look at you, all those years living single in a funky studio apartment, and

here you are, a middle -aged man.

Come on, it's Charlie's place. I'm giving it my touches.

And girl, I am telling you, I have the best deal in the world. Marry an older

guy and be a weekend mom.

Great husband, three kids, and I still fit in my skinny jeans.

All I hear is, kill me, I have three kids.

Three wonderful kids who on Sunday night are wonderfully gone.

Charlie, he takes them back to their mom's house, and if he's working at the

hospital, it's girl's night out with you.

Baby, hey.

Oh, hey, honey, you're back.

And look, the kids followed you home.

Grandma Becca fell down.

He broke her butt.

Her hip.

Either way, it's a really big crack.

You look amazing. Oh, thank you.

Their mom has to fly to Missouri to take care of her.

I know it's last minute, but the kids need to stay with us for a couple extra

days. We'll have fun.

We're on our way out. Mm -hmm. Girls' night.

We're going to the Drake concert. What about the kids?

Well, can't you take them?

Sure. Mr. Kessler's been waiting two years for a heart donor.

Another night won't kill him.

Oh, that's right.

Babe, I'm sorry about messing up your plans.

Find someone to take my ticket. They need someone watching them here.

No, we don't. Grown -ups talking. Go tweet something.

Tweet. What?

Is that over?

Anyway, I promise to make it up to you later if you promise to wear that dress.

All right, kids.

TV off at 9. Bedtime at 10.

Oh, and make sure the time on the clock.

And your cell phone match.

I fell for that one.

Stephanie with marshmallow.

Where is she?

I am the queen of the

interstellar marshmallow commandos. Back to your planet.

So how does this look?

I think that dress looks better on you than it does me.

Really? Can I borrow it, please? My friend's having a party Tuesday night.

Is your boyfriend Patrick going to be there?

He's not my boyfriend.

But you want him to be. You know what? Stop looking at my phone.

Patrick? The cute one.

Doesn't he have a girlfriend?

They broke up. And you didn't text me? Well, he doesn't even know who I am. Oh,

he will after you wear that dress.

It means grandmother in Filipino.

Grandma Maggie, you're Filipino?

No, I'm fabulous.

And no one's calling me grandma till I'm 90.

What are you doing with that child?

Sucking out marshmallows.

What one?

Mom, what are you doing here? And why do you have meat?

Charlie called me. Told me you were having a food crisis.

You had to make some.

I can't believe my husband called my mother. I got this.

What you got is those kids for a few extra days.

And so, Lola to the rescue.

Now, I can help you with after -school pickup on Monday and Tuesday, but on

has she got on?

Stephanie's letting me borrow this for a party.

Did you guys used to share clothes?

No.

I know you are not letting her out of the house in that.

Get up. Oh, please.

Stephanie, you are not her friend. You are her stepmother.

Ugh, don't call me that. What?

Stepmother. It sounds so evil.

Look, I have everything under control.

gets called to the hospital at all hours of the night, and you have a job of

some kind.

I am a food blogger. Who can't cook.

Yeah, but I can order like nobody's business.

Regardless of what you and Charlie think, I don't need your help.

Well, you need someone's help.

Thank you for being so flexible.

I know you didn't sign up to be a weekday mom.

Weekdays, weekends, what's the difference?

Everything.

Weekends are a walk in the park.

Weekdays are a trail of tears.

I know you think you got this, but... Do you want to talk about how I got this,

or do you want to get this?

Both. Which one first?

Who's getting the kids at school tomorrow?

Really? That's what you picked?

I'm getting the kids tomorrow.

On Tuesday, my mom's taking the boys, and Gabby's going to a party, and you

I are going on a date. Wait.

You told Gabby she could go out on a school night? As long as she's back by a

decent hour.

A decent hour on a school night is 3 p .m.

Is there going to be drinking at this party? And how about the parents?

You know what kind of parents have a party in their house on a Tuesday night?

The kind that don't know there's a party in their house on a Tuesday night.

Come on.

There's some boy she's crushing on and she really wants to go.

Boy? Crushing?

That's how you're telling this to me?

It is going to kill her if you tell her she can't go.

Oh, you're right.

I can't tell her that.

You have to do it.

Why me?

You're the one that said yes. You have to be the one that says no.

Weekday rules.

I don't feel so good. What's the matter, buddy?

What?

You're a doctor!

I'm a cardiologist. Hearts don't barf.

Aaron, why don't you go into the bathroom and your daddy will clean you

I won't.

Not right this second. Why not?

Because I'm not dressed.

Why not?

Because it's hot in here.

Just go.

It's not hot in here. Just go.

Are those marshmallows?

Back for my first day. Only five minutes late for Aaron's pickup.

And 50 minutes late for mine.

Half an hour.

Not my fault.

No one told me you went to three different schools.

Can I have a snack?

Not before dinner.

What's for dinner?

Go get a snack.

Gabby, I totally, totally... Really?

Snacks before dinner? Have you learned nothing from your mother?

Oh, my God, you're back.

I brought the groceries I knew you'd forget.

Have you taken a look at Aaron? He's lethargic. His eyes are sunken. I think

boy's dehydrated. He was perfectly fine in the car.

Here, baby. Let me look at you.

Well, he did throw up last night.

Drink it.

Excuse me. I got this.

Bug, would you please drink this?

No. Tell him to drink it like a mother.

The name of the game is quarters.

If you bounce a quarter into the glass, you get to pick the person who has to

drink the whole thing.

Why are we doing this? It's never too early to start preparing for college.

I can't believe I'm at the board.

You know what, honey? You got a little on your shirt.

Um, James, can you take him upstairs and help him change?

Okay, but I'm a kid. I'm just gonna turn it inside out.

That'll work.

Go.

Um, Mom, could you give Gabby and I a minute?

You'd rather I stand in the doorway and eavesdrop?

Look, it's about the party tomorrow night. Oh!

Oh, okay, that reminds me. I need you to finish teaching me that dance move.

Okay, so I know you said it was like something like this, maybe?

No, no, no, no. Actually, it's more like this. Okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Patrick is totally going to notice me. Oh, he sure is.

But not Tuesday night.

You can't go to the party.

I mean, it's a weeknight. We're drinking.

Now you're changing the rule?

Gabby, I'll make it up to you. Well, how?

I already told everyone I could go.

Then just untell them?

Do you hear yourself?

What happened to you? You used to be so cool, and now you're acting like a total

mom.

Oh, feels good, doesn't it?

Are you sneaking out to that party? I hate everyone in this house. Can you

believe how uncool Stephanie is being?

You better not tell on me. What if I do? I'll tell that little cross -eyed girl

in your class that you like her.

That's okay. Don't think you mean the kid next to me.

All right.

How much is it going to cost to keep your mouth shut? I need 50 bucks for a

video game, and I won't take a penny less.

Ten. Sold.

So what's your plan?

I'm going to put on this dress with the hoodie and a long skirt over it, right?

Then I'm going to walk right past her. In exactly 23 minutes, Kristen Hayek is

picking me up at the back door. That is so dank.

I can't be a second late. Seniors do not wait for freshmen.

What's going on?

Nothing.

talking about how we can get away with stuff with Stephanie in charge.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna get away with stuff, too.

What are you gonna get away with?

Tomorrow, I'm not wearing underwear.

Hi, hi, hi.

I just had to... come over and let you know how very proud I am of you. You

acted like a real mother with Gabby.

And now she hates me.

I wanted to be an effective parent by being her friend.

Can't be done.

And so, welcome to the My Kid Hates Me Club.

My girlfriends and I, we call this Mommy Wine.

in the afternoon will get you through dinner but leave you sober enough

to drive carpool.

Sober enough?

I'm going to study at Julie's. Geometry test. Wait, wait. You're okay with the

party? Uh, well, yeah. I mean, I'd rather be there, but I have a big test

study for, so whatever.

See ya. Wait, wait, wait. Just give me a second.

What? Come sit with me.

Okay. Oh, Good.

A show to go with my cocktail.

Gabby, I'm going to lay my cards on the table.

I'm new at this, and I may not be good at all of it, but I'm trying.

I know what it feels like to be a teenage girl with an overbearing, pushy

getting all up in your business.

Is this going somewhere?

We're good now? Yeah, absolutely. Oh, I love you. Okay.

You hear that? I love you. It can be done. Parent and friend.

I got this.

Admit it.

Parenting rule number two.

Admit nothing.

What's parenting rule number one? You're drinking it.

mean geometry book oh is it

she

went to the party oh my god after all we she

sat right here i cannot believe this i cannot believe this i am going to get

I have no idea where she is.

Mom.

Yeah.

Gabby went to the party.

No, I don't know where the party is.

Charlie is gonna freak. He's gonna be home in an hour and he's gonna divorce

And then he's gonna freak again.

Stop laughing.

Who would know where this party is?

Who...

Fifty bucks. I won't take a penny less.

Ten. Sold.

Here. Stay right here. I'm gonna find your sister.

Excuse me. Has anybody seen Gabby Phillips?

Anybody seen her now?

We don't know, okay, lady? No, it's not okay, and I am not a lady.

Hey, Steph, what are you doing here? What am I doing here? Is this what you

studying? Oh, okay, Steph, chill out. What's your deal? I told you you

come to this party.

Are you wearing my shirt?

Yeah, but it looks great on you.

I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey,

hey, hey. Don't change the subject.

You are in big trouble. I thought we were friends. Friends don't lie to each

other, sneak out of the house, and make each other look incompetent. Why are you

freaking out like this? Because you made me call my mother.

We are going home right now.

The name of the game is quarter.

Let me talk to her, and I'll get right back to you.

Okay. Bye.

It wasn't even a real party. Red plastic cups. It was just people. Red plastic

cups.

Oh, hey, honey.

You're home early.

We went to a party on school night.

You went to a party in that?

It wasn't really a party. Red plastic cups. You know what?

You little snitch. I'm going to get you.

You took them to a party?

And we played quarters.

Quarters? She lied to me. He blackmailed me. He blackmailed me, too.

Now we're underwear.

You know what? I can't deal with any of you people. Oh, you can't deal with us.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What happened? Yesterday, you guys were BFFs.

BFFs. What?

Is that over, too?

Look, anyway, whatever's happened between the two of you, I'd like to step

and see if I can help you work it out. You can't. Don't bother. Thank God.

I kind of took a funky swing at this. If you'll admit that you betrayed my

trust. I only betrayed your trust because you went back on your word.

Look, if you want us to be cool, you can't treat me like a kid and embarrass

in front of my friends.

By the way, the 10 bucks is non -refundable.

You are a dead man. Come here.

I want to be a dead man, too.

Yes, you have to leave me out.

So, when does their mom... get back again?

Yeah.

Um, actually, she just called.

Her mom's not doing well.

We may have the kids for a while.

You okay with that?

Of course.

It's just, it's just this real deal full -time motherhood.

Baby, I thought I got this, but I don't got it.

But my mom don't got it either.

And if I don't got it and she don't got it, who's got it?

Gabby hates me. She doesn't hate you.

She knows she was wrong.

You just watch.

In five minutes, you two are going to be... BFFs?

BFFs.

That's the thing about kids.

Sometimes they like you.

Sometimes they don't.

And sometimes they just want you for target practice.