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Welcome to Important Things with Dimitri
Martin. I'm Dimitri Martin.
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Tonight's important thing is brain.
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Brain. What do we start with? Okay, we
got a lot of options for covering this
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thing. We can start the show with jokes,
read some idiot's mind, or get high and
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do puzzles.
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Joke.
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An easy way to separate man from animals
is his ability to reason.
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Another thing you can go by is last
names.
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What's his name?
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Patches?
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Patches what?
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That's a dog. Don't waste my time. Come
on.
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So I think these twins are really
interesting because they're the only
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who can write a biography and an
autobiography at the same time.
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I remember when I was in school, my
teacher said, can you name the
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I was like, sure.
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They already have names, but if you want
me to do that.
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I'm talking to one of my friends, and I
said, ATM machine.
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And he said, you know, the M stands for
machine.
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So you're repeating, you're basically
saying ATM machine machine.
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So then I corrected myself. So now I
say, ATM -a -sheen.
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If you're colorblind, eating candy must
be a completely different experience.
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All right.
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Come on, Starburst, let's see what we
got here.
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Lemon, damn it!
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I was in the gym and this really big guy
got mad at me because he was like, spot
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me, spot me, spot me.
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I was like, okay, you're right there.
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At 10 .05pm on November 13th, 2007, Eric
Sterberger was spell -checking his
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college application essay on what three
great historical minds he'd most like to
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have dinner with when a lightning bolt
struck his computer, catapulting him
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through the space -time continuum to a
nearby TGIFs, where he found himself
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seated across from the very geniuses he
was writing about, Benjamin Franklin,
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William Shakespeare, and Galileo
Galilei. Oh, my God!
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You guys are all really here.
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We are here, Eric.
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Oh, man.
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Oh, my God.
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At your service.
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Thank you for choosing us.
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I have so many questions. I have no idea
where to begin.
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Mr.
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Franklin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do
that. Let's do the questions.
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Can you tell me a little bit... Are you
guys all ready to order? You need
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another minute.
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Hello. Well, I'm ready now.
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I think we are, too. Let's do this.
Let's do this thing.
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Pray, tell me, might you be on this
menu?
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Nope. Shame, because I'd order that.
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No, I will take the chicken fajitas.
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Hot. Spicy.
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Shakespeare taking it south of the
border.
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And an appletini.
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Okay, and for you, sir? What would you
recommend, Kathy?
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The burger's good.
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I love a big, juicy burger, huh?
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I'm not going to lie.
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Does that burger come with warm buns?
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That'd be better.
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Better salsa.
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And for you, sir?
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I'm going to have a tuna club, jalapeno
poppers, and an iced tea. Okay, and for
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you? I'll just have water.
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Water. Kids on a diet.
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Thanks,
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guys. Thank you,
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Kathy.
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Okay. Oh, oh.
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That is the perfect ass gentleman.
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Boinga de boinga.
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Am I right?
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Pure poetry.
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Wow. Konnichiwa. Wow.
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Galileo, where were you? What? Did you
not see her?
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I'd like to take off a slow, you know?
Ooh, slow -plated. There you go.
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That's the move. Snake in the grass.
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Hey, hey, hey.
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Can we just talk about my questions?
Eric. Yes.
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Sorry. You go ahead. Okay.
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Mr. Shakespeare.
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Mr. Eric. Oh, here she comes.
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There she is, Miss America.
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All right, Kathy.
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Enter Kathy.
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Restaurant left. Looking lovely.
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Take it down. Very nice.
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Whoopsie -daisy. Oh, are you kidding me?
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Okay. Huh?
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Galileo, what the fuck?
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What? He? What?
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Seriously, Galileo, that was horrible.
Why would you do that? I'm making my
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move. No, it's a little early.
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You talk, it's chitter -chatter.
Misjudged.
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This judge. This is our hand at space.
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Excuse me. Excuse me, gentlemen.
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Hello, sir. Is everything okay here?
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Very good. Very good. I just had a
complaint from one of my servers that
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you might have grabbed her.
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No. No.
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Really? Out of here. Sir.
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You? Not here. Nope.
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Not us. Sir. Not us.
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What?
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You looking at me? I'm looking at you.
Okay, fine.
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But you know what?
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She's a... Hey, waitress. Oh, boy. She
coming over here, leaning over the
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going to Shakespeare. That was bad. That
was actually bad.
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Maybe her ass will bump into my hand.
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You know what?
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That's fine. I'm going to ask you guys
to leave now. Come on.
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I want you to go. I want you out. Come
on.
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Come on. I appreciate it. Let's go. Come
on.
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We'll go.
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I want you out. Let's go. Then we go.
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Really?
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Hey, everybody.
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The manager of TGIF kicking out of
Galileo. I make an attempt.
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You look like a pirate. What? You heard
me. Say it again.
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Brain. Brain send me thoughts of what I
ought to do. When I look at you, I
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wonder if you have those thoughts too.
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Think. Think.
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of the tinkle of the sprinkle and the
drinkle of the water. That is knowledge.
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Brains are what?
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Hello, Jamie.
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How was work today?
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Lucky break, fat boy.
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Excuse me. Yeah.
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Sorry. I'm just trying.
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I'll go in then.
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What are you doing?
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I said excuse me. Get nice.
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I said excuse me.
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Get out of the way.
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That's my baby.
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She's cute. What's your baby's name?
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Stella.
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She's cute too.
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Yeah, yeah.
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Let's take a look at brains in a little
more detail.
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This is a graph. The thickness of a
person's neck versus the thickness of
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books they've read.
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You'll see that as the neck gets
thicker, the thickness of the books
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Until a crucial point where they start
wondering, why the hell is my neck so
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abnormally thick? I need to read up on
this.
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This would be medical text about neck
thickness.
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Neck. That's an improper fraction.
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And that is a really improper fraction.
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This is actually very interesting. This
is a GPA versus limbs. All right, let's
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look at the values. 4 .0, for GPA,
that's great. For limbs, good, good.
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3 .5, good GPA, bad.
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3 .0, pretty good GPA, bad.
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2 .0, average GPA, bad.
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1 .0, you're not going anywhere. You're
not going anywhere.
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Let's talk about memory.
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Okay, we all know that memory is
associated with certain senses. So if
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something, you might remember it pretty
well. If you see something, even better.
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Smell, as you may have heard, is really
strong for triggering a memory.
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But what's even stronger is, is if
something's inserted into your body.
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That's strong.
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Where are my keys?
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I got my keys, but I need a band -aid,
actually.
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Between Michelangelo and Donatello,
there was... ...Dimitri.
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For thousands of years, the power of
flight has belonged only to birds.
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But no longer shall man be cursed to
walk the earth and stare longingly up at
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the clouds.
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By closely studying the anatomy of
birds...
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I will build a flying machine and take
to the sky.
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00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,400
What mechanism propels a creature into
the air?
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Of course.
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Yes.
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Flight will be mine.
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Let's take a look at some simple
equations.
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Equations help our brains understand how
the world works.
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Okay.
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Rate times time equals distance.
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It also equals how expensive a hooker
is.
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Okay.
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Let U represent U.
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Let C represent a comic book store.
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00:12:01,310 --> 00:12:06,410
You times the comic book store over time
equals lonely.
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00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:11,250
This one's a little more complicated.
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Let X equal a popular girl in high
school.
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00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:21,650
Now, add 20 years, subtract a job,
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multiply that by a couch, and you get
fat.
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00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:39,120
P equals the amount of pizza there is
divided by me plus my friend,
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which always comes out to one less than
the number of slices I want to eat.
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00:12:48,780 --> 00:12:50,020
And that equals...
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00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:06,500
I like that thing and I wouldn't touch
that with a 10 -foot pole.
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00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:09,280
That always made sense to me until I
reversed it.
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00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,120
I was like, wait a minute.
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00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:14,140
I would touch that with a 10 -foot pole.
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00:14:17,420 --> 00:14:19,140
You would touch that with a 10 -foot
pole?
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00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,700
Yeah, I'd definitely touch it if I, you
know, with a 10 -foot pole.
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00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:27,480
That's not that different than not
touching it with a 10 -foot pole.
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00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:33,300
Once a 10 -foot pole's involved, it's
pretty much the same kind of situation.
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00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,700
Yeah, but I'm, you know, I'm just saying
I'd poke it and be involved with it
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with the pole. You know, I had the pole.
Yeah, but it's not the same. No, but
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I'm saying with the temple pole and as
much as it's in my presence, I'm not
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using the pole to touch it.
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00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:49,060
There's me with the temple pole and I'm
touching it.
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Really?
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00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,180
That's how I roll with prepositions,
man. Come on.
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Fairly important fairy tale.
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00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,040
The Prince and the Pauper.
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Five years later.
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00:15:04,950 --> 00:15:05,950
Hey! Hey!
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00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:07,250
Hey, hello.
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00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:08,390
Great to see you.
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00:15:08,590 --> 00:15:09,329
Remember me?
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00:15:09,330 --> 00:15:11,110
Prince of the Boardwalk. We did the
switch.
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00:15:11,330 --> 00:15:12,330
What a surprise.
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00:15:12,670 --> 00:15:13,649
Can I tell you something?
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I love this. The whole crown, the
castle, the food is really
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00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:23,590
something. Thank you. Thank you. Great
to catch up.
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00:15:23,950 --> 00:15:25,010
Great to see you.
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00:15:25,270 --> 00:15:27,350
Okay. Right. I'm going to get back to
the... What?
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Let you and me switch.
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00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:35,900
Um, so you become a... And I go back
to... Come on. There's an idea. Come on.
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00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:38,920
What a great idea. Do you know, that's a
terrific idea.
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00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,320
Here's another thought. Let's say we
are.
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How's that?
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No?
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00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:45,620
Second idea.
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00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:48,080
Okay? Just firing them out.
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00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:49,960
Um, kill him.
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00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:53,400
Mia!
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00:15:56,480 --> 00:16:02,020
Let's educate every boy and girl for the
children are the future of the world.
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00:16:02,510 --> 00:16:03,910
What shall we teach them?
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00:16:04,390 --> 00:16:06,830
Let's teach them to work very hard.
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Because children are basically animals
you can train to do the work you don't
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want to.
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00:16:18,230 --> 00:16:20,790
Mnemonics. These are really helpful for
remembering things. I want to just run
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through a couple of them right now.
Okay, let's start with the planet.
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00:16:25,690 --> 00:16:29,190
Now... Footnote, I'm including Pluto in
the planets because I think it's
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terrible what they did to Pluto and it's
still a planet to me. I grew up with
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00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:33,470
Pluto as a planet. I'll always be a
planet.
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00:16:34,770 --> 00:16:41,570
Okay, you want to remember the
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planets, including Pluto.
239
00:16:44,130 --> 00:16:47,870
Just use this simple mnemonic that
involves state capitals.
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00:16:48,070 --> 00:16:55,070
Okay, Montpelier, Vermont, Madison,
Juneau, Nashville, Pierre, Mercury,
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00:16:55,230 --> 00:16:56,230
Venus,
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00:16:56,650 --> 00:17:02,230
Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, Nashville,
and Pluto.
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00:17:06,390 --> 00:17:07,589
Okay, next.
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00:17:08,290 --> 00:17:10,530
You want to remember the order of the
alphabet.
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00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:14,730
It's pretty long, but this can help. A
sentence, a simple sentence.
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00:17:15,290 --> 00:17:18,869
Always beware of cats darting
erratically forward going halfway into
247
00:17:18,869 --> 00:17:22,390
Kathy, lest mopey neighbors open poorly
quilted radioactive sunlamps to
248
00:17:22,390 --> 00:17:24,650
ultraviolet waves or x -rays. Yo, Zach!
249
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:31,780
This is the sketch.
250
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:32,980
Yes, it is.
251
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:35,300
This is the sketch. That's right.
252
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,100
This is the sketch. Yes, it is. The
sketch.
253
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,360
We put something in the show to test our
viewers. Hopefully you caught it.
254
00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:47,440
There was no Saturn in that line -up of
planets.
255
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,220
If you caught that, congratulations,
your brain is working.
256
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:12,900
Between Socrates and Plato, there was
Demetrius.
257
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,640
What is the basis of attraction?
258
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,120
Is it not in the mind?
259
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:23,880
Nature dictates that the man is
attracted to the body of the young
260
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:28,940
woman, but the woman is attracted to the
intellect and superior intelligence of
261
00:18:28,940 --> 00:18:32,160
the man, the older, wiser man, her
teacher, for example.
262
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,260
But sometimes, nature makes a terrible
mistake.
263
00:18:37,260 --> 00:18:42,280
And the woman is attracted to some brute
with disgustingly large muscles who
264
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,140
knows nothing of poetry or mathematics.
265
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,460
I would have taught you mathematics,
bitch.
266
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:51,640
So I used to do graffiti.
267
00:18:51,980 --> 00:18:56,000
What I would usually do is I would just
try to, like, do the least amount of
268
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,040
work but still have an impact.
269
00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:01,840
So, like, if I saw a pizza parlor, I
would just, like, add a Z to it.
270
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,860
And people would be like, man, there's a
lot of pizzazz parlors in this part of
271
00:19:06,860 --> 00:19:07,860
town.
272
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,840
The village has way more flair than I
thought.
273
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:16,980
Get your ass in the car.
274
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,140
That's pretty strong. That's the
command.
275
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:23,580
But word order does matter.
276
00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:32,320
Get the car in your ass.
277
00:19:34,780 --> 00:19:37,200
I got a Hot Wheels fetish and we're
going to work this out.
278
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,640
Hey.
279
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,740
My friend asked me if I ever swam with
dolphins.
280
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,500
And I was like, yeah, of course.
281
00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:49,820
What distance are we talking about?
282
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,640
From the dolphin.
283
00:19:54,460 --> 00:19:57,840
Because the last time I was in the
ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most
284
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:58,840
them.
285
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:01,040
Think about it.
286
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:03,240
All right.
287
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,970
I'd like to take a minute just to thank
some of our sponsors for tonight's
288
00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:12,990
important thing, brains.
289
00:20:14,270 --> 00:20:17,150
Brains brought to you by tweed jackets
and glasses.
290
00:20:18,390 --> 00:20:20,790
The timeless uniform of the pompous ass.
291
00:20:23,470 --> 00:20:25,450
Brains brought to you by the prenuptial
agreement.
292
00:20:27,010 --> 00:20:30,090
Still the smartest way to say, I love
you, but I don't trust you.
293
00:20:32,990 --> 00:20:36,530
Brought to you by physics, containing
the power to bring down your grade point
294
00:20:36,530 --> 00:20:37,530
average.
295
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:42,240
Quite a graphic we got for that.
296
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,580
Brought to you by Raising Your Voice,
the next best thing to being right.
297
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,040
Thanks to all our sponsors.
23392
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