Original subtitles

Welcome to Important Things with Demetri Martin.

I'm Demetri Martin. This is a show about things. In every episode, I examine one

important thing. Tonight's important thing is power.

Power. Okay, very important thing.

What do we start with? Okay, we got a lot of options for covering this thing.

Jokes. Beat up a cougar.

Not an older lady, an actual cougar.

Start a new government.

Joke. Man is the most powerful creature on the planet.

And we're arrogant.

I mean, people own birds.

It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight.

I want it.

I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

Bears like honey.

So what do we do?

We serve honey out of a bear.

We take the honey from the animal that likes it.

Through a hole in its freaking head.

Screw you, bears.

Like a bear skin rug? That's so unnecessary.

You know, I think the den looks great.

It's just missing something.

Really? What?

The back of a dead bear?

Like laid out in the shape of him? That would be awesome.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Should I keep the head on? Definitely.

We want to know who this was.

It will help you relax by the fire.

Guts and balls are pretty much the same thing when it comes to power. If you

have guts, you have balls.

But the similarity is kind of limited.

At a certain point, they diverge.

You can have a gut feeling about something.

That's something you trust.

But you can't be like, you know what?

I'm going to take that job.

I can feel it in my balls.

Yeah.

I should work there. My balls are telling me this is a good idea.

Nah, you should probably see a doctor.

It's my spot. I got this spot.

No, no, no, no.

No, I got it.

What are you doing?

This was my space.

I was just parallel parking here. I just went past it so that I could come in.

No, I saw what you did, but I saw the space first.

By the physics of the universe, I was first. You heard what I said. You heard

what I said. You don't parallel park by going in front ways, okay?

Don't tell me where I'm going to park! You're being an ass. You're being an

I'm an asshole. You're being an asshole.

You're an asshole. There's a million other spaces in the city. Go find it.

Go find one.

What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? What am I going to do?

Yeah. You want to go?

You want to go?

You want to fight?

Go ahead and fight me then.

You have three seconds. One.

I'm going to kick your ass. Go ahead. I'd love to see it. You want to go?

Yeah, go ahead.

Come on. You want to do this? You want to go?

Go ahead.

Let's go.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Let's do this.

Go ahead. Okay. Do you want to? Do you want to?

Then what are you going to do? Let's go.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT

If you want to make something look more powerful, lines are the best way to do

it. For example, a cup of coffee.

Now it's hot.

But if you change the line, now it's loud.

That's an even more powerful cup of coffee.

Change them again, it's coming at you.

If you do this, that's a loud hot cup of coffee coming at you.

If you hear hot coffee coming towards you, you should move.

One,

two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.

Here's a note. If you want to look tough, you can't be lost.

You have to have a good sense of direction to maintain toughness.

You can't be like a tough guy and then have a map out and be like, excuse me,

which way is the park?

When he learned his father had been murdered by thugs, Thomas Lowenstein

to dedicate his life to avenging his father's death by crushing criminals

the cold fist of justice.

and the violent stake of revenge.

He is the revenger.

It was scum like you who killed my father.

What goes around comes around.

That was you, Dad.

Hello? Thomas?

Oh, hey, Ma.

I got a call today from a nice man at the coroner's office.

They looked into it, and it turns out your father might have died of natural

causes. What? Yeah, I think he's had Lyme disease.

He died of Lyme disease?

You've got to be kidding me.

You've got to be kidding me.

Thomas? No!

Why don't you avenge the Lyme disease?

Really? Or you could go back to school and get your degree.

I'm 32.

I'm not going back to school.

God!

Why do you think you threw the boomerang?

I've got a job for you, Thomas, if you want it.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, it's great.

Why don't I change my name from the revenger to the guy who works for a

stepdadder? Don't talk to your mother that way.

You know, my dad, you were never murdered by criminals, and you never

Hey, Thomas, look, I just wanted to let you know I'm glad you came to work for

us.

Me too.

Thanks. Forget about it.

Purchase whatever you wanted. I got that done.

You mind putting it on my desk?

Sure.

Gino.

Cassie!

I gave you father line disease.

I killed your father so I could be with your mother.

And now, I'm gonna kill you.

And that's how Thomas Lowenstein became the

Re -Revenger.

Revenge, revenge!

I don't have any superpowers. The closest thing I have is that I'm

bartenders.

Can I get a vodka tonic?

Can I get a vodka tonic?

Uh, excuse me, vodka tonic. Bam! Stab you! I'm right there. Now what?

Didn't even see me coming, did you, bartender?

This song is for my admins.

It's called Me Versus You.

Me, starving wolverine.

You, baby covered in pork chops.

Me, pigeon with explosive diarrhea.

You,

statue under me and my friends.

Me versus you, what you gonna do?

Me, hillbilly, you my teeth, and I like sweets.

Me, Mexican sprinting champion with cousin in North Texas who has job

opportunity for me.

You border.

Me, the SATs.

You, high school football player.

Me, gravity, you old lady tits.

Me, horny teenage boy.

You thock.

Me police, you campus police.

Me feather, you ticklish man sitting in rocking chair on edge of cliff.

Me versus you.

Me angry rapper, you the English language.

Rats, rats, rats.

You've tried trapping them, poisoning them. You've even tried bribing them.

time you tried the only rat poison that harnesses the power of religion.

Creticide. Here's how it works.

First, unwrap your Creticide decoy rat.

Next. Release the decoy into your wall.

The imposter rat will locate the rat nest and disguise himself as the son of

monotheistic supreme being.

He will share his message of love and charity while performing miracles and

preaching a gospel in opposition to conventional rat law.

He will then be executed and reborn, causing rats everywhere to pray to him.

As the Christian rat develops a following, Simply insert a second decoy

a different part of your home. He will find another group of rats and claim to

have transcribed the literal word of God.

Eager to worship the one true rat God, the rats will submit to Sharia, or the

way. At this point, the Christian rats will get wind of a nearby group of rats

that has not yet heard the word of their Lord.

They will invite the Muslim rats to worship the rat Christ.

The Muslim rats will reject their offer.

And the Christian rats will attack in order to reclaim the Holy Land and

the Muslim rats.

The Muslim rats will respond with a series of guerrilla attacks meant to

the Christian rats' resolve.

This will ignite an epic holy war in your walls that should last for about 72

hours or until your home is 100 % rat -free.

My rodent problem is over.

Plus, I can feel good knowing that my rats are dying for something they

in.

Credicide. Harness the power of religion.

All I'm saying is that if you talk over me, we can't hear each other, okay?

I'm not trying to pull rank.

I'm not trying to pull rank. I've been here for five years. Just a touch of

respect would be appreciated.

I've got so much to sell from the outside, and you just, like, tell me the

stuff over and over again. It's like, I don't understand why you want to talk so

much. Are you finished? Just listen to me. Are you finished? Just listen to me

for just a little bit.

It's not like a power thing. I just want to, like, talk to you, you know, and I

just have you listen.

Is that weird?

Were you talking?

Between Socrates and Plato, there was Demetrius.

True power comes from above, the cosmos, the gods.

These heavenly bodies control our destiny.

Sometimes, burn this shit out of my chest.

Zeus, you're killing me above the nipple.

Words.

Words are fun to play with.

But they also have a lot of power.

Let me show you what I mean.

Okay. Now this is a particularly powerful statement.

I hate you.

But it becomes even stronger with just the simple principle of removal applied.

I ate you.

And then it becomes suddenly weaker with a little more removal.

I ate yo.

Then it becomes just kind of like attention -grabbing. Hey, yo!

And then just kind of a celebration.

Hey -o!

Okay, so.

I love, like, in a mall, when you see that sign, you are here.

But I think a more interesting sign, something with more impact, would be

something that says, like, you are here, Brian.

Because for most people, it would be like, what?

But for some people, it would be like, holy...

This mall is unbelievable.

This is my mall.

This card is so self -aware, isn't it?

An easy way to make someone sound less powerful...

It's just to put DJ before their name.

DJ Abraham Lincoln.

Here.

I wish I had all the power in the world.

Then I could make you my girl.

I'd also have a mansion with servants and lasers, and then I could kill

something to somebody and you want it to be more dramatic you need a window so

can i have a window please great what you do is when you're talking to the

person you don't look at them you look out the window instead i'll demonstrate

hello susan

have a seat please i

know that you ate the last

I want a divorce.

And that's the tip.

Sorry.

One way to not look powerful is to try to look powerful by knocking the side

mirror off a car in front of a whole group of...

crew of people and missing it. I'll show you what I mean.