Original subtitles

Another lovely sunny day. This is nice.

Lovely start.

Trish and a dandelion. Everything's going to be okay.

Stop the lights.

Her shoes. This is chaos.

Oh, Jesus. She's going to wake up horrified that this blouse is just flung

the chair like that. If only I could do a quick fold. It's times like these I

wish I had opposable thumbs.

Oh, gee. Oh, there she is.

Oh, joy. I know there are bigger things in life, but please, those feet.

Sandal season's coming. Get your shit together.

Aidan, it's your turn to make toast.

Aidan? He's back?

Butter to the edge, no crust.

Super intense tail movements. Oh, my God.

Aidan. I need a wee. I'm weeing.

What the absolute fuck?

My name's Philip.

What's yours again?

Philip is a ridiculous name!

Oh, get off!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

He can be a bit, you know... I cut off the testicles, actually, to see if it

would help.

You what?

Oh, God, not me. The vet did it.

Oh.

So, you're in marketing, you said?

Yes, yes, indeed.

Six months now. Oh.

You enjoying it? Very much so.

Oh. Oh, hiya.

Oh.

Amelia, this is Philip, and he came to fix the thermos on the immersion.

And tell Philip, did you just hammer away at it, or did he just need a little

fiddle?

You know, it's funny, though. It was working for me this morning. I just ran

lovely hot bath.

Amelia!

Something else came for Aidan?

Oh. Who is Aidan?

And, Philip, you seem really lovely, but I don't think I'm ready for

a relationship right now.

Oh.

It's lovely to meet you. Here, have a look at that.

Zoe! Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you. Hey, with a bullpen.

There is no shame in that, woke sister. You own it.

Full pan.

Jean -Marie Le Pan.

Come on, Arden.

Good night, last night.

See you.

See you back.

Hey, Joy. Hey.

You look different. Did you do some... I did do someone.

What? Sorry.

Are you going to have some tea?

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you know what I love?

Dunking it in a little bit, taking it out, and then giving it a really good

suck.

Absolutely.

So what's everybody writing?

What's everybody writing today?

Tonya, what are you writing about?

I bet you it's going to be really great. So dynamic.

It's all right, sis.

It should be good.

Thanks, Greg.

Oh, hey, Charlene, do you know what I'm going to write about this week?

Dating. Dating to get over someone or something.

Is it a good idea?

Does it feel like you're settling for a second bath or can it bring real

happiness? Joy.

Initiative.

You're growing from a wallflower to an actual flower with really good

That's brilliant.

Absolutely.

I think it can help for sure. I think you almost have to do it to move on.

like a territorial thing.

Like pissing around the bed.

Not to be confused with some twat who can't hold 12 points of ale actually

pissing around the bed.

I would never do that to you.

I mean, I think it can't be too soon, though.

You know, I mean, I know women say they like a guy who can cry, but I don't

think they mean the first time you get together. You know, like, when you're

actually in there for the first time.

Or whatever.

Absolutely.

Sometimes there's no going back, though, you know?

So what are you going to do? Choose to be on your own forever?

Yes.

Charlene, will you go on a date with me?

Charlene, will you go on a date with me?

Will you go on a date with me?

That's weird. I thought you were straight.

No, for the peace.

I don't want to go on my own.

I won't be the person who'd be the serial killer for Martini Mondays.

Charlene, I really need to know.

I'm testing the test of cream, Antonia. I'll get back to you.

We could go on a double date for work. You could ask them if they've got any

flaky bits.

Well, that sounds sexy.

No, I'm going on a hot date with a woman from my yoga class.

I'm hoping to combine two great passions because I'm really stuck for time these

days, you know?

I'm trying to be more time efficient.

Go. Now.

Get out there and start talking to people. That part of things is working

well. Go and ask someone else to go on this date with you. We've been through

this.

Now, bring it in with one of your best.

Okay. Oh.

Oh.

Hi. Oh, Jesus.

I wonder, can we ask you a few questions for a survey? I know you.

You're the lady who does the pieces about happiness and stuff.

Yeah, that's me.

They're really great.

I love how you do that thing like you don't have a clue what you're talking

about. It makes it really funny.

Yeah. OK, so you two.

Do you think you've settled?

Like, you know, the older you get.

Yeah,

like, your first love is over and you need to move on.

Did you guys date anyone else before?

Barbara.

Sorry? Barbara.

He went out with Barbara for seven years.

She went out with Bernard for three years. Yeah, but I don't have Bernard

tattooed on my tits.

Neither do I.

Just Barbara on me peck. Don't tell her that.

That's healthy, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Did you tell her that? I didn't. You started it.

Hi, could I ask you a question?

I won't nightstand, but good idea.

Couldn't tell you.

I've no clue.

I've actually never had one.

It's true.

Sometimes I like.

Oh.

Have a lovely day.

Thank you.

Excuse me, could I ask you a question about one -night stands?

Don't leave my socks in yours.

What is this? What is this? What is this? What is this?

What is this?

Will you... What, a double D?

Like you and me and the delivery guy and the man who came to fix the immersion

but who in actual fact boned you? No, not them. New guys. Fresh ones.

Wait, now. The man this morning, was he a work thing? This is starting to sound

an awful lot like prostitution. I'm getting very confused.

No, um, this tonight will be a work thing. It'll be online dating.

Last night, that guy was, I think, like a super casual, breezy thing.

You know, just one of those things.

So thanks so much for meeting me again. I just really wanted to apologize for

kicking you in the... In the butt.

It's okay.

So did your boyfriend, did he see anything? What do you mean? Did he see

anything? Did he mention anything? No, I think we're going to get married.

Oh.

Sorry, what were you saying?

The other night, you know, after we made love for a couple of hours.

He said to me that he's never really been able to open up like he can with

I mean, like, before he just didn't get anything back, like nothing.

His ex -girlfriend was an emotional stone.

An emotional stone?

Joy? Joy?

Three shots of tequila.

Ah.

Excuse me.

Do you want to have sex?

Joy.

Joy. Yeah.

You know, one of those super cash things.

Ah, yeah, why not? Okay, let's do it. Oh, yes, thank you.

Give anything a try.

We just get, like, really drunk. We just get cans of cider and neck them in

someone's garden.

Yeah, all right, Miss Teen Angst 1995.

Or here's another idea. We could be normal and just chat to them and get to

them for five minutes before we puke all over them. Well, that's good because

I've got a list of interesting topics in case the chat drives up.

You've got a list of interesting topics? Give me that. What is it? Give it to

me. What is the weather?

Town planning. Give it to me. Give it to me. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Are you doing that? Yeah, I'm actually doing that.

This is why I think you're a list of interesting topics.

Disgusting.

You're disgusting.

Oh, what's happening, Amelia?

What is happening?

I've never even had a one -night stand and I don't know what to do about the

immersion guy that we all know boned me because I feel like I should be going

out with him now, which I know is daft.

And I met my ex's new girlfriend to pretend to apologise about this.

like work thing. And then she goes to me, oh, I love him. We're going to get

married. And I'm like, what is happening with this? And then she's like, we made

love for two hours on Thursday. What? Two hours of writing.

And I going, what is this? And she's like, he says you're an emotional stone.

And I'm like, ah, and she's like two hours.

And also I'm thinking that kicking somebody in the badge after they've made

for two hours is like.

you know, proper medical emergency down there, that could be.

And also, I have had some vodka.

No way, really?

Finished? Yeah. Okay, give me your hand.

Let's go on our date.

Two hours!

And she turned to me and she said, you can have the house, but just leave the

garage for your uncle.

Just got in the tractor and drove off. What?

That was just before she died.

That's very funny.

When my mum died.

So, gentlemen, what is that you do for a living?

I'm a vet. Oh, wow.

Vietnam. Thank you for your service. And what about yourself?

I am a cardiologist.

I used to think I was one of those because I had a little card making

making tan little cards. But then I realised it wasn't what it went. I was

plane and a man got quite seriously ill and all I could do was fan him with an

envelope.

I was like... Wait,

I was there. I would have saved his life.

Good story.

Say something.

You know, when you hear of those stories where somebody puts a hamster up there,

do you think if they got into trouble that they would go to a vet or a

doctor?

I feel like if this is colder, it might help. It's very warm. It's actually

making me feel worse, if I'm honest.

Are you drunk?

Totally.

Amelia, I'm so terrible at small talk. I want to go home. I'm so out of my

comfort zone. I want to lock myself in a cubicle with too many germs.

Drink this tomorrow. Oh, I normally just drink filtered water, really. Shut up.

Drink it. Totally.

Good girl.

Not so bad.

Like the rest of the time.

Good girl. Good girl.

Okay. How are you feeling?

Hydrated. That's positive.

Yeah.

How do I do this, Amelia?

Oh, you stop trying to do it and you just do it. You just do it. You just do

it. You just do it. You just do it. You just do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Portia.

Their chips are going to go cold.

I forgot to

ask for gluten -free.

What a fun night.

You're a fun girl.

Me?

I never really felt like I was anything, really.

This is like a standard human being.

Like a green fruit gum. If you were going to be a fruit gum, like a green

And then around him, I sort of felt like I was maybe a bit more special, like a

limited edition red one, like a loganberry flavor maybe.

Now I feel like I'm down a bit to orange.

I think,

You're like a blue fricom.

There isn't any blue fricom.

Exactly.

How do you like that?

Yeah.

Hi, Ed.

Can I ask you a serious medical question?

Look, I'll give you the 45 euros or whatever, no problem.

That's quite all right. I'll throw you a freebie.

Will you check if...

My heart is made of stone.

Another chant.

What do you do if you're made of stone?

You really grabbed this one by the balls, didn't you?

Yes, but I did leave that detail out because I thought it was a little gross.

Joyce, sit down.

We wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job.

Our figures are up.

Your figure is up. People are responding well to you.

They like your honesty, the fact that it's not all polished.

They think it's kind of relatable or something.

Who knows what's even going to happen with Flora. I mean, they think it's a

comedy, but we roll with that.

People think that it has heart.

Real heart.

That's down to you, Joy.

Me?

My heart?

Hang on, I think I hear something.

What?

It's a noise.

Oh.

Fine chicken tikka. Heart's digester. Could be that.

No.

No, this is different.

I think you have a heart, Joey.

Don't be ridiculous.

Do you know what?

You just gotta be where you're at when you are.

Do you know that kind of way?

Do you know that kind of way? Do you know that kind of way? Do you know that

kind of way?

Seriously though, how do you deal with all of it?

I think I'm kind of like the opposite to you.

So I try to make everything really busy to avoid silence.

So I try to make my head really noisy instead of blocking it out.

I think I try to grab every opportunity for happiness just in case it all gets

used up or something.

Kind of the same, but totally different as well. Exactly.

All very confusing, really.

Life is a buck and bronco. You just got to hold on and ride it.

And definitely held on and rid it.

Oi, oi!

Oh, shattered room.

Oh, hey, I made you something.

Did you?

Mm -hmm.

One of my little cardiologist things.

Oh, my God.

Hiya.

I love it.

coming over for his camera. Uh -huh.

Jeez, that was very fast.

Don't eat my cheese.

Look, I've said I'm sorry, okay?

For what, Joy? What are you sorry for?

God, you're so sanctimonious sometimes, you know that? It's not all my fault.

I don't... I don't care.

Have you come over to tell me how many days you've been with your girlfriend?

Oh, no, wait, hang on. I saw that on Instagram. That was a nice touch.

Yeah, well, you don't own Time, Joy, or Instagram.

No, I don't, Mark Zuckerberg.

That's Facebook, actually.

Oh, yeah.

Why are you here?

I came for my parcel.

It arrived here, I think.

I forgot to do the change of address, so it comes here automatically.

Is it for her?

It's her birthday.

It's weird being back here.

Yeah, it is weird.

So you don't want me to go anywhere?

You can go to the shops, if you like.

Or, I mean, me, that's fine.

Me? Yeah, or any of the other counties bordering Dublin.

I'm finding this hard to gauge, Joy. You see, one day you keep me at arm's

length, and the next you don't want me to go anywhere.

What if you fall for someone when you're there?

What if you're just at me because you can't have Anthony Turner?

Okay, Joy, I liked her when I was 12.

But look, just because I'm physically not here...

It doesn't mean I'm not with you. Oh, and just in case you hadn't noticed, I'm

going on a cycling trip with a man named Terrence.

And I'm pretty sure I don't feel the same way about Terrence as I do about

Razor, some fun. Glad there's a break from the people who smell, I don't know.

Do you want to play Murray Shag Kill?

Yeah. Oh, that sounds like a brilliant game. Can I play?

I did my business outside today for the first time in ages, so come on.

Van Morrison, Prince Andrew, and then

Philip the Immersion Guy.

Um, Murray Van Morrison.

What? Yeah, well, I do want to shag him, and...

I don't want to kill him because I did get a photo with him at the St.

Day Parade 2012 and I would feel so bad.

Shag, HRH, Andrew.

Obviously. Randy, Andy.

And Mary, Philip the Immersion Guy.

No, you can't.

Oh, yeah, I don't ever have to see him again.

Shag. Oh, balls.

I've already done that.

I'm going to kill him.

Oh, God. I mean, you could get the poor lad at Doc's back first.

Not after I've ended them.

OK. Shag, marry, kill.

Well, the comedy continues tomorrow as Laura bumps into her first love, Katie's

new boat seems to be winning her over and Alison's wedding plans are full

ahead until a big surprise throws them off course in new Women on the Verge at

half nine over on two.

But stay with us now as this angry woman up for discussion in Brendan O

'Connor's Cutting Edge next.