Original subtitles

You failed!

What? What the heck?

Lesson number one.

Danger is everywhere.

God, we... Man, we gotta talk about boundaries.

That is a much later lesson.

For now, we begin with the basics.

Of what?

Your training, Sir Dwight.

I will teach you the ways of the warrior.

Oh, wow. I'm good. Yeah, really. I appreciate the thought. It is my

brother.

to repay the debt of gratitude that I owe you.

You will be my greatest achievement.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago, there was this princess, Greta.

And she was in big trouble, because she had lots of enemies and not a lot of

friends.

So her court magician, Baldrick, cast the Champion spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep until a champion would come, break the

spell with his kiss, and deal with Greta's big scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead, they got me.

Little Debbie has made more honey buns.

Huzzah.

Big hairy knees.

Really, guys?

Are we trying to trash the neighborhood?

mortal boy.

I am a mortal like thee.

And so I need a few things from the mortal realm.

Okay. Some things that matter not at all to anyone. I need them for no important

purpose.

Baldrick, buddy, I think you should lay off the sugar.

A rare, beautiful bird called a phoenix.

Have thou seen one?

I would like to have one for no reason.

They sell birds at the pet store.

The pet store has a phoenix.

That is not exciting at all.

Does the pet store have a wishing well also?

I'm afraid not.

If not the pet store, then...

Where? Where?

The wishing well.

I think there's one at the mall.

I mean, it's more of a fountain than a well.

Actually, the mall has a wishing well in the form of a fountain.

That is so uninteresting and not important.

Hey, Greta, can you come in here for a sec?

Another mortal thing I need, but not as a matter of life and death, is the milk

of a goat.

Does thou have a goat, mortal boy?

A goat?

What's the myth?

You tell me. I just saw him eat half a jar of jam. You know how many grams of

sugar are... Sugar?

Is this thy goat?

No.

This is Greta.

And you are?

I am a large, hairy, mortal man.

And I must go.

I have no urgent business. The others are not waiting for me.

Would you like a sweet drink before you leave?

Sweet?

Come to me. Come to me. Yes.

No,

mortal.

Hurry. Hurry.

Slow mortals.

Give, give.

To your health.

Foul!

Foul, horrid, wretched mortals!

Is Baldrick having a nervous breakdown?

Baldrick has been inhabited.

Sorry?

Possessed. By what?

A fairy.

What does it want?

Did it tell you I came here?

I wanted a lot of weird stuff.

A bird. I told it to go to the pet store. To the pet store? With haste? And

what?

Let's say we get him. Then what do we do?

We extract the fairy from Baldrick's brain.

Ew.

I pray we're not too late.

Help you, sir?

Hail, skinny mortal.

I have come for the phoenix.

Sorry? The bird.

Rare and beautiful.

You mean a parrot?

Maybe. Are the tail feathers long and glorious?

I think they're nice.

Show me the bird!

Right this way.

No, no, sir. These are rolled in sea felt.

Where is thy wishing well, hideous mortal?

My what?

I need coins from a wishing well.

I will not tell thee what for.

There are coins in the fountain outside.

Excuse me, have you seen a large -ish gentleman come in here dressed a little

old -timey?

You mean the guy in the Gandalf costume who ripped the tail feathers off of this

parrot? And chugged four bottles of hummingbird food before thrashing this

display?

That may have been him.

Tail feathers.

I don't like it.

Poor parrot.

What else did the fairy say?

What does it want?

Uh... A wishing well.

Tomorrow.

Collecting things.

Why?

A fairy right.

We have to find Baldrick.

The others will be pleased.

I need only the milk of a goat.

Oh, cow's milk isn't an option?

A cow's goat?

No.

Goat milk.

We have almond milk.

Is it from a goat?

It's from almond.

We also have soy milk and lactose -free milk.

Which of these is from the goat?

Neither one.

Big man with a beard and a robe acting a little crazy.

Are you talking about that Moses dude swimming in a fountain?

Let's say yes.

Hey, Nero. Hey, Sugar Pie. Quick thing.

Have you seen Baldrick?

Why?

I have just now.

Jay walking across.

to stop it. I'm teaching Pilates.

Hey, no worries, Nana. We got this.

I know you do. Kisses.

Oh!

He's by Bambi's Grocery. What'd you find out? The fairy took coins from the

fountain.

Look, I don't like to judge, but this fairy is kind of a jerk.

Oh, jeez.

Ah!

Ludwig!

You fail again.

Lesson two.

Peril lurks in every corner.

Isn't that kind of like Less of One?

Dangerous everywhere?

We've no time for sport, you cumberground.

Off with you, then.

But be always on your guard, my young protege.

I'll see you soon.

Security? Big fat crazy guy?

Baldrick!

Fairies love sugar, huh? They can't get enough. I think this one's had enough.

He is having a major sugar crash.

No, don't wake it.

The fairy is in a stupor.

Now is the time to dislodge it.

How?

Stop!

A lot of it.

Excuse me.

I'm going to need more.

Hurry!

I didn't know so much about fairies.

My father was eaten by fairies.

Oh. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I won't let that happen to Baldrick.

Get out!

Fairies! Come here! Here!

Is that I?

Why do I sound like that?

Where's his son?

My lady, my what?

I trusted thee with a task of such import.

But, my lady Mugwort, all is done.

I have the feathers from the rare bird.

I have the wishing coins.

I have the goat's milk in the form of...

Object.

I have the chest hairs of a magician.

Today, we return to fairy land never again to flutter our wings

in this horrid place.

Dill, begin the rite to open the fairy ring. Okay.

I am beautiful.

From my mother goat.

Topped with the chest hair from a mortal

mage.

Full of mortal stuff.

Yes, yes. The fairy queen could do... Gobble them up.

A feast for all the fairy land. The fairy queen would be so pleased with us.

The ring is closing.

Watch out, Sojourn.

They had no phoenix at the pet store, milady.

Lesson one, remember?

Release us, mortal!

Danger is everywhere, as I have demonstrated.

We must leave these mortal bodies!

No!

But our feast!

Lesson two.

Name it, Sir Dwight. A box on the innards and entrails!

Peril lurks in every corner of you. forgotten so soon i will devour the on

with mint jelly now for lesson three jeopardy is ever present

Lesson four, menace, is all about.