Original subtitles

Huh.

Ah, hey, man.

Excuse me. That's... You can't do that.

Good

morrow.

Cheers, my lovely.

I bring you a token of affection from your secret admirer.

Admirer?

Who? That's the secret part.

My goodness.

You are positively ancient.

You must be the oldest person I have ever laid eyes on.

This is astonishing.

How is it possible you're so old and still living?

It's a trade secret.

Okay, so about a thousand years ago, there was this princess, Greta.

And she was in big trouble, because she had lots of enemies and not a lot of

friends.

So her court magician, Baldrick, cast the Champion Spell.

It put everyone in the woods to sleep until a champion would come, break the

spell with his kiss, and deal with Greta's big scary enemies.

But that guy never showed up.

Instead, they got me.

So, what's your plan with all these turnips?

Hey!

Princess?

Baldrick!

You okay?

The flowers.

What? The flowers.

What happened? Don't smell the flowers!

Greta! Can you get out of here, please? She's gone, Sir Dwight. The flowers are

bewitched and the culprit has taken the princess.

Are you sure?

We need a cart or a carriage of some sort.

What for?

To rush to the princess's rescue.

No, you're not rushing anywhere, big guy.

The princess has been kidnapped!

Abducted! Seized!

Solon!

Capture her! I get it. I get it. Don't worry.

We'll find her, okay?

Don't move!

I've been rendered immobile, you featherhead!

Hail, brother!

Oh, hail!

Cloudwig, um, I can't talk right now. I'm on a mission.

Indeed? Of what sort?

Baldrick's under some kind of floppy spell, and we've got to find Greta.

Ah. Might I render you some assistance, Sir Dwight?

you absolutely might.

There are only a handful of witches who could conjure a language spell of this

potency.

Princess Greta is in mortal peril.

Not if she has her phone with her. I just have to pick her up and find my

friends and get her.

Leave the charge to Dwight.

Yes, quickly.

Where? That way. That way. Down.

Quickly. Straight.

Straight.

Faster.

Watch the bump.

For a

thousand pardons, you pair

of poop -notties. Hey, man, I know you're...

But there is no need for insults.

That was an insult, right? Indeed it was.

What are you men?

A couple of...

One of you scratch

my nose.

Take it. It's on you.

the other side.

And fiercely.

Now go. Now go. It's hot.

Warmer.

Warmer.

She should be right over there.

Come on.

She should be here. So I found this broken phone by my child. You've got to

kidding me.

Excuse me. Hi.

Where did you get this phone?

it over by the churro place release the princess or die stand down man no

i'm sorry about that buddy we're on a um a role play scavenger hunt it's

a a thing so maybe you can help us out we're trying to find a warrior princess

girl and a witch and a buxom wench another

time have you seen Anybody acting weird, think hard.

Um, how about him?

Yeah, for sure, you got the right idea. Definitely him.

I don't disagree.

Uh, or him?

What did you say?

Is that Norwegian?

Flemish. It is Tavar speak.

I know of only one witch who can command that spell.

How's my hair?

Did you see where she went?

Be plainly fooled. We know you know.

Hey, back off. We need answers. We don't need to be jerks about it, okay?

You're a knight. You're a knight.

You're better than this.

I'm really sorry about that. They're doing a role -play scavenger hunt.

He's the knight, he's the wizard, and he's the... I just pushed the

man. They still need a princess and a buxom wench. Cancel the buxom wench. It

the witch we must find.

After the witch!

Can you hit one, please?

Did you see that?

A twitch.

spell is no match for me.

Out of the way, peasants.

Quickly.

After her. What lies beyond this marketplace?

Nothing. Just the woods.

The second you become annoying, the gag goes back.

What do you want, witch?

What everyone wants, princess.

Unhand me at once!

This is your final warning!

The spell grows weaker by the moment.

Look how well I can bend my knees.

I see Greta. And the witch?

Oh, don't be such a baby. You won't even listen.

I know that voice.

Does my beard look unkempt?

Uh, it looks about like normal.

Smooth it out.

What? Why?

My eyebrows, too.

Quickly. Quickly.

Yes, smooth, smooth.

Just one little finger.

You act like you don't have none others.

On my feet. No time to lose.

She must not sense weakness.

Does my nose clean up protrusions?

Clean enough.

Oh, dear.

I cannot face her like this.

You know the switch?

My scepter is destroyed.

I cannot stay on my feet.

But she doesn't have to know that, does she?

You have a plan, Sir Dwight? More like a preliminary outline of a plan.

Stay back!

But we're going with it.

You may not have my finger. It belongs to me.

Don't you think you're being a little bit selfish?

Honestly, such a fuss.

Exola!

I beg your pardon, ancient hag.

I mistook you for another.

And yet, there is something familiar.

Are you perhaps the great, great, great grandmother of a witch

named Hexala?

Are you perhaps the fat, fat, obesely fat twin

brother of a second -rate magician named Baldrick?

Hexala. The years have been unkind to you.

And the porridge has been unkind to you.

We have come for the princess.

We?

By which I mean myself.

Hello. For I have... Come on, come on. The valor...

Of a dozen men.

Baldwin, stop.

All I need is a single bone from a princess.

The smallest of her single bones will suffice, and then I shall return her to

you unharmed.

Unharmed? You shall not take a hair of her head.

Oh, how funny.

Actually, the prime elixir does go for a lock of hair from a maiden's head, so

thank you.

You cannot have Princess Greta's bones.

Not even a finger.

Big. Big.

You don't look that bad.

You just look experienced.

And you look well fed.

Hexler, I will not stand for this. Oh, dear.

still alive and well under all that girth. And I'm delighted to know that

witch is still as skilled as ever under all those wrinkles.

And who are you two?

You are in the presence of Prince Clawdwig, the... Never mind, I don't

Whether you care or not, I am Prince Clawdwig, the unstable, and this...

Is Serge White champion to the princess?

Champion? This soft, rising mound of bread dough?

The very same.

This porcelain chamber part? Enough!

Release me or Serge White will snap your frail bones one by one.

I'm not going to do that. Come, brother.

Do something useful.

My aching bones. You monster. It'll wear off.

Fuss, fuss, fuss, fuss.

You have no idea how far I've traveled to get here.

And every mile shows on your face.

Such a scene over nothing. The finger will grow back.

Except that fingers don't grow back.

And that's my fault?

you cooking?

It's my prime elixir.

It will return me to my physical peak.

Really?

How does that work? Oh, stand back, Timberpot!

You'll ruin the recipe!

I didn't touch it. If a hair or an eyelash or even a fleck of your skin

into the cauldron, the whole thing will turn just black!

Excella!

Excella! Don't!

You picked the wrong princess!

Excuse me? What?

Your soup's bubbling.

And I'm going to spit in it.

No! Then drop the cleaver. Don't!

Don't!

Now what, chain bug pot?

You have my elixir.

We trade. The Alexa needs the princess's bones.

Well, the princess needs the princess's bones.

Baldrick.

Please. For old time's sake.

You wouldn't leave me looking like this.

Loose your spittle, Sir Dwight. No!

Stop!

It seems we've arrived at an impact.

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Come on, man. That's a person.

There is another way.

You have another princess?

No.

I have princess bones.

Don't worry, buddy. Hang in there.

I got you.

No, no, not there. Not on him. Nope, nope.

It's starting to count.

I'll give that magician of yours one minute more.

How far is the royal vault?

South tower.

Not far.

I have been excessively generous.

I wouldn't say excessively.

Or generous.

Now it's your turn.

Choose a finger, princess!

Wait, no, please leave, Conway!

Out of this!

I've got them!

Quickly! Quickly!

It's okay.

It's okay, boy.

What are these?

Teeth. Whose teeth?

Your teeth from when you were a baby.

All of our butts off of Clodwig.

Please?

You kept my baby teeth?

Aren't they adorable?

How quickly the years have flown.

Each little tooth brings back a precious memory.

To my help.

Now,

Hexalo, remember, I made no assurance this would work.

this happening probably food poisoning she was kind of asking for it

excellent

are just as I remember you.

And yours, darling, as ever.

Baldrick.

I'm like some symphony.

Cool.

You've changed, Baldrick.

A pound or two, a few gray hairs.

Oh, it's not that.

You're as handsome as ever.

True. That little girl of yours.

She changed you.

Where will you go now?

This is not the world we knew.

Don't worry about me, love.

I can take care of myself.

Indeed.

Hey!

Try, nut job.

Take the pot.

Almost lost you, buddy.

That is a whole lot of turnip pie.

Well, we have much to celebrate.

Princess Greta is safe and sound.

A most fortunate thing you kept my baby teeth all these years.

Fortunate and a little weird.

Mummy had my baby teeth sewn into a little pocket in her girdle.

That way she would always have little pieces of her baby with her.

Good to have you back, bro.