All language subtitles for The Real ONeals Season 2 Episode 15 The Real Mr. Nice Guy full HD on SFlix Free

Kenny: When you're
a creative individual

at a Catholic high school,

most classes feel like
the final season of "Lost" --

unsatisfying, and the cute guys
are all straight,

which is why I'm so excited to
be taking music appreciation.

What are you doing here?

Enriching my mind
and my spirit,

like that time
I read The New Yorker

not just for the cartoons.

What are you doing here?

[ Laughing ] Oh, Kenny.

Stupid, stupid Kenny.
[ School bell rings ]

I don't get
what's so funny.

Well, music appreciation
is a joke.

I seriously doubt that.

All right, kids.

Welcome to the wonderful world
of music.

Take out a piece of paper,
write something on it,

and grade yourselves.

And do not interrupt me
while I'm doing my scratch-off.

[ Clears throat ]

Ms. Dunn?
Kenny O'Neal here.

I, for one, am thirsty
for a bit of music education.

Don't mind my brother,
Ms. Dunn.

He's gay, so he likes
unnecessary conflict.

Sit down, Kenny.
This isn't Bravo.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.

I just won $1 million.

I'm free.

The nightmare is over!

But you're still gonna teach,
though, yeah?

Why start now?

Adiós [bleep]

All right,
help me decide, Father Phil.

What's a better appetizer
for the bishop --

deviled eggs
or pigs in a blanket?

Well, invoking the devil with
the bishop is probably a no-no,

but let me taste.

Mmm. Okay.

Devil be damned,
this is a yes-yes.

Oh, thank God. I'm just
so nervous and excited.

I cannot believe
that the church

chose our family to host
a dinner for the bishop.

Ever since the Stackwells'
murder-suicide,

you are
our top divorced family.

That is so nice to hear.

It's a real honor.

What's also nice
is that it gives us a chance

to show everyone
that, you know,

the whole dad-living-
in-the-garage situation

not only works, but it has
the approval of the church.

It is not a garage.

I've told you a million times --
It's a tiny house.

Father Phil.
Ooh! Hello, deviled eggs.

Ahh! We have two days to get
this place ready for the bishop,

and you still haven't fixed
the garbage disposal.

I never got this kind
of 'tude from the Stackwells.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Sighs ]

You are never gonna believe
what happened at school today.

You actually paid attention
and learned something?

[ Chuckles ]
Hey, that's a good one. No.

So, uh, my teacher Ms. Dunn
won $1 million

off a scratch-off ticket,

and then she said some
sweet curse words and quit.

It was -- It was awesome.

Wait, wait.
Ms. Dunn?

Short, big eyes, frizzy hair?
Yeah. That's her.

You know what?
I'm feeling lucky today.

I'm gonna have one
of those scratchers, please.

[ Police radio chatter ]

Ms. Dunn, right?

Oh, is that all you have?

I also have a cat
and a very loving niece.

Why don't you go ahead?

Oh, thanks.

One scratch-off, please.

And a packet of condoms.

You never know.

I let her go ahead of me.

That was supposed to be
my ticket.

That was supposed
to be my $1 million.

My whole life
could have been different.

She only has a cat
and a niece, Dad.

So you can get in there.

♪♪

Thanks for coming in
on such short notice, everybody.

As you know,
Ms. Dunn hit the jackpot

and never has to come back
to this hell-ishly wonderful

institution of learning.

So just sit tight
while I consult with my team,

and I'll be back in a jiff.

Are these
the new teaching candidates

for music appreciation class?

Tired.

Dead inside.

Uninspired.

[ Gasps ]
Wait a second.

Italian loafer, no socks.

A Patek Philippe watch.

Gingham and plaid on purpose?

This man is a homosexual.

Hello.
I'm Kenny O'Neal.

Hi.
I'm Mr. Peters.

Hi.
[ Chuckles ]

Um, I'm a student helper.

I'm making photocopies
of résumés

for Vice Principal Murray.

May I see yours?

20 years on Broadway?

Gay Men's Chorus?

Former personal assistant
to Elaine Stritch?!

Not bad.

Oh, my God. This guy
might be the gay role model

I've been looking for.

He could help me become
the best version of me,

or rather, do, re, mi.

Let's start
at the very beginning.

♪ A very good place
to start ♪

♪ When you read,
you begin with... ♪

Men's Health magazine?

A-B-C.

♪ When you sing,
you begin with do, re, mi ♪

♪ Do, re, mi ♪

Yes!

♪ Doe ♪

♪ A deer, a female deer ♪

♪ Ray ♪

♪ A drop of golden sun ♪

Me!

♪ A name I call myself ♪
[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Far.

♪ A long, long way to run ♪

♪ Sew,
a needle pulling thread ♪

♪ La, a note to follow so ♪
[ Woman singing operatically ]

♪ Tea, a drink
with jam and bread ♪

♪ That will bring us
back to do ♪

Ow.
No carbs.

We bake for others.

You have to hire
Mr. Peters.

Oh, thank God!

This thing keeps saying,
"Ask again. Ask again."

I've been asking again
for 10 minutes.

I hate this!

I hate this!
I hate this!

If you hate this so much,
then why are you doing it?

Well, I would have hired
a plumber, Shannon,

but I'm not a millionaire

like that frizzy-hair
dream-stealer Ms. Dunn.

You know why she's
a millionaire and you're not?

You're too nice.

That's very sweet of you
to say.
Stop it!

You're constantly putting other
people's needs before your own.

If you hadn't let
that teacher go ahead of you,

you'd be the millionaire
right now

rather than some guy
playing "Final Destination"

with a garbage disposal.

Listen, when you grow up
in a big family

with six brothers sharing
five pairs of underwear,

you kind of learn not to want
anything for yourself.

Okay, well, then it's time
to unlearn that.

You have to put yourself
first for once.

If you had $1 million,
what would you buy?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, I-I have always wanted
an electric toothbrush.

Oh, my God, Dad!
Think bigger!

Anything in the world.
What would you want?

I don't know.
I don't know what I want!

Well, then figure it out.

What do you really want?

I really want to stop being
yelled at by a little girl.

Well, then maybe you
should stop acting like one.

Ohh!

Okay,
maybe that was too far.

[ School bell rings ]
Good morning, class.

Good morning.
Mr. Peters, I brought you

a Jazz apple
from New Zealand

because I'm suspecting we both
have a mutual love of Bob Fosse.

It's pronounced Foss-ay.

No, I'm pretty sure it's Fo--
Sit down.

Okay.

Let's start
at the very beginning...

It's happening.

...with the gloomy harmonics
of the Renaissance period.

I don't know
what any of that means,

but it doesn't matter,

because I'm already going
to give myself an A.

All right. Well, since
you've already got an A,

then surely
you must know the difference

between a madrigal
and a cantata.

Oh, yeah.
Uh, a madrigal

is something
that David Blaine does.

And a cantata is something
Mommy makes for breakfast.

[ Laughter ]

Good.

You know
what I think is funny?

You all
just bought yourselves

a 500-word oral presentation
on this.

[ Orff's "O Fortuna" plays ]

[ Music stops ]

Is that the theme
to "Die Hard 3"?

No. It's Carl Orff's
"Carmina Burana."

Huh.
Is Bruce Willis in that, too?

Let's make it 1,000 words.
And it's due tomorrow.

Okay, seriously?

Um, Mr. Peters, I think
there's been a misunderstanding.

To put it in musical terms,
before you came,

this class was
a bit more adagio than allegro.

So, you know,
maybe we could ease

into
a more strenuous curriculum?

I hear you.
This is my first day.

I don't know
how this school works.

I'm probably being
a little overzealous.

Why don't we take
a little sidebar in the hallway

and you two can help me
adjust my teaching style?

Oh!
I've got ideas.

[ Sighs ]
This is good.

We're getting
a dialogue going.

Hmm.

So, this is a sidebar.

♪♪

Oh!
What smells like Delaware?

Ugh!

Oh, I can't believe
your father

hasn't fixed
the garbage disposal.

[ Whirring ]
Ugh!

What has your father
been doing?

Hopefully putting himself
first for once.

I told you to stop reading
that Deepak Chopra.

How am I gonna make
this dinner with no sink?

Clive:
Knockity-knock-knock.

Just knock for real
or come right in.

Sorrity-sor-sor--
Oh, I apologize.

Oh, good.
You brought your tool belt.

Did Pat call you
to fix the garbage disposal?

Oh, no. Pat invited me over to
check out his new meat smoker.

This tool belt
is for grillin' and...

...chillin'.

Huh? It's the biggest one
you can get with out a license.

And, apparently,
it's the same one The Rock has.

Dad,
this is awesome!

I know! Now I can literally
smell what The Rock is cooking.

Thanks for pushing me
to do it, sweetie.

Hey, want to help me
season up these puppies?

Sure, if they're
not actual puppies.

So, this is
what you've been up to?

Instead of fixing the garbage
disposal, you bought this toy?

Oh, come on!
This is not a toy!

It has metal ears
and a snout.

Well, the snout doubles
as an air vent.

Eileen, the Pigerator 2000
is serious business.

Shut it down,
roll it into the shed,

and return all this meat.

I can't return it.

I've been rubbing my meat
all morning.

And I'm gonna help him
pound it.

This is ridiculous, Pat,

and the bishop
will be here very soon.

Well, hey, maybe I think
it's a little ridiculous

that we're worrying
about impressing a bishop

we've never even met.
Oh, now, now.

Don't fight.
You're scaring Shannon.

I'm not scared.

I'm proud of my dad for finally
taking care of himself.

Pat, finish up
your little project,

fix the garbage disposal,

then get in the shower,
and put on a suit.

Eileen,
we're not married anymore.

Mm.
So you can't tell me
what to do.

Well, somebody has to,

because you cannot meet
the bishop dressed like that.

Well, then I guess I just don't
get to meet the bishop.

I just realized. When I said
I was gonna pound Pat's meat,

it could be taken
the wrong way.

I'm going to give Mr. Peters
the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, he had a rough start,

but I know that deep down
within that uptight personality,

there's a Frauelein Maria
just waiting to break out.

I got somebody hired here

who seemed like
a good person to work with,

and she wound up
being difficult and bossy.

My mom?
Exactly.

Mm.

I tried talking to Mr. Peters
in the teachers' lounge,

you know, gay to gay,

but I think our bad attitudes
really set him off.

I mean, he probably threw out
my Jazz apple

because he prefers
Red Delicious.

Oh, please.
Nobody likes Red Delicious.

It's like
biting into a sweater.

That's what he said.

Even though he'd probably
reject my friendship,

I want to meet him
and spend years

trying to make him
my new bestie.

Not in that blouse.

Wait a second.

Maybe you could hang out
with him.

I mean, he's new to town.
I think he's just lonely.

Kenny, this is Steve
we're talking about, honey.

He's not nice
to just anybody.

It takes years to get
into his inner circle.

Can he sing karaoke?

20 years on Broadway.

He's my new best friend.
[ Laughs ]

Ow.

[ Groans ]

[ Door closes ]

Clive: Don't mind me.
Just grabbing some tongs.

Got too close to the fire
and dropped mine in there.

No time for tongs.
You have to leave.

The bishop's
gonna be here any minute,

and I can't have my lover
in my house.

I thought you didn't like
the term "lover."

That's how nervous I am!

And Pat is driving me crazy.

What is
the bishop gonna think

about our perfect
post-divorce family

if I can't even get
my ex-husband

to come inside the house?

Now scoot.
Come on.

If you're so worried about it,
just cancel the dinner.

Or do what I've done

when students
have visited my office --

just turn out all the lights
and pretend you're not there.

You can't ghost a bishop.

Oh, Bishop!

Hello.
You must be Eileen.

Yes, I am. And it is
so wonderful to meet you.

You must be Pat.

Oh, no, I'm not Pat.
[ Chuckles ]

Then who are you?

He's Patrick.

He goes by Patrick.

We're
Patrick and Eileen O'Neal.

Welcome to our home.

♪ Bum-bum, bum-bum ♪

Eileen, I'm only agreeing to do
this because we are lovers.

Your words, not mine.
Thank you. I appreciate it.

But you should know
I'm a terrible liar.

I'll start down a path,
I will not be able to stop.

Like that time
I was late for dinner.

I told you I met the mayor.

I was just cruising
around a Tommy Bahama.

I forgive you.
Now go be my fake husband.

-Your Eminence.
-Fake husband?

All right.
Here's the deal.

You kids know that I think
lying is very wrong,

and I don't condone it,

unless it involves
returning a pantsuit to Macy's

after only wearing it once.

But, just for tonight,
VP Murray is your father.

Does he have to wear
my church blazer?

Well, we tried one
of your father's,

but it made him look
like Paula Poundstone.

♪♪

Bishop, how are you
enjoying your soup?

Patrick here was telling me
it's a family recipe.

My great-great-grandmother,
Lucille O'Neal,

on the ship, oh,
she got so sick

she had to give the recipe
to her twin sister, Bathsheba...
Mm.

...because she was
just vomiting so force--

It was like a geyser, and --
Ow! Mm.

We should eat quick
and go upstairs

so we can finish our papers
for music appreciation.

Why?
Eileen: Have a drink.

You said Steve the Colorist
is taking care of it, so...

Jimmy, he's not writing
your paper for you.

He's taking Mr. Peters
to gay karaoke.

"Gay karaoke"?

No. It's just, um --
It's a --

an expression
the teenagers use nowadays.

You know, it's like,
"This food is so good,

it's like gay karaoke."

[ Chuckles ] See?

Thank you, dear.

[ Sniffing ]

Is something burning?

No, I don't think so.

[ Gasps ] Oh!

Do you know, the neighbor
bought a meat smoker.

His name is Clive.

He's a super guy.

He's a vice principal.
He's got a coupon caddy.

He's kind of like
the sixth member of this family.
No, he's not.

Then, why do you make him
do such stressful things?

[ Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again"
plays ]

♪ And here I go again
on my own ♪

Why aren't
you wearing a shirt?

This is hard work,
Shannon.

It's hot, and I'm slaving
over a giant meat furnace.

Also, I just learned
the hard way

that my shirt's
highly flammable.

Well, Mom's freaking out
in there, we can't breathe,

and VP Murray's
not great at improv.

So turn off the smoker
and come inside.

[ Breathes sharply ] Mm.
No can do, Shannon.

Pat's living
in Pat's world now,

population -- Pat.

Okay, well, forget what I said
about putting yourself first.

I was wrong.
We need you in there.

I am feeling a freedom
I have never experienced!

I'm alive!

Aliiiiiiiiive!!

[ Laughs maniacally ]
I've created a monster.

We may look modern
on the outside,

but we try
to be traditional.

Kenny O'Neal!

You ruined gay karaoke
for me forever.

You see?
Gay karaoke.

Everybody's saying it.

Sorry we barged in.

Steve made me.
He's outraged.

I am outraged.

You must be the bishop.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Pat...

in case
you were wondering.

Oh, perhaps you and
your Boy Scout leader, Steve,

would care to discuss your
merit badges in another room.

What happened?
Did you take Mr. Peters out?

Yeah, did you get him
to lighten up?

Is he canceling class
tomorrow?

No, he didn't lighten up.

He critiqued
everyone's performance.

You made him sound
like he was fun-mean,

but he was just mean-mean.

He made Mateo cry.

Well, his ear is trained
to hear mistakes.

I mean,
he's a music teacher.

He spent 20 years
on Broadway.

As an usher
for "Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding."

You should not be saying
anything bad about him.

We need to support
each other.

Why?
Because we're gay?

Wake up, girl.
Not all gay people are great.

Clearly.

Okay.
I'm done with you.

If you compromise
my relationship

with Steve the Colorist,
I'll never do your bang again.

Great. Just great.

Your plan with Mr. Peters
didn't work,

and now I have to write
a paper on Carmen Electra.

It's "Carmina Burana."

I-Is that her mom?

Well,
maybe this is a chance

for you to actually try
for once.

Maybe you'll learn something.

Oh!
You sound just like Dad.

I'm talking Crazy Meat Dad,
not Paula Poundstone Dad.

In the words
of Steve the Colorist,

I'm done with you.

[ Sighs ]

I have five brothers.
One's name is --

Patrick?
Hmm?

You have shared so much,

and I think
maybe it's just a -- a lot

for the bishop to digest.

It's just,
having you here

is such
a wonderful confirmation

that even though
our family's unconventional,

you know,
God hasn't rejected us.

[ Orff's "O Fortuna" plays ]

Well, that's
just poor timing.

I am sweating
through my collar.

Can we open a window?
-Oh.

Clive: I'll do it. I replaced
all the windows last summer.

Just the kind of guy I am.

Also, I'm a cop.

Oh! [ Coughing ]

It feels like
we're dining in hell.

Well, we're all gonna be
in heaven...

[Coughs] in a few minutes
when we try Eileen's dessert.

Oh, what'd you make?

I'm defrosting a cheesecake
in the bathtub.

It's going to be delicious.

The smoke
is really bothering my asthma.

I'm going to get some air.

The front porch
has better air!
Uh-huh. Oh.

♪♪

You must be
the neighbor, Clive.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

No. I'm Pat O'Neal, Eileen's
ex-husband. How are you?

If you're Pat, who's he?

Well, it's a long story,
but I can tell it.

Um, strangely enough,
our tale begins in a shtetl.

Okay.
That's enough.
I...

I can't let you lie
for me anymore.

Bishop, here's the truth.

[ Breathes deeply ]

The person you thought was Pat
is actually...

my gentleman friend, Clive,

who is a very important part
of this family.

And the shirtless man
over there by the meat

is actually my ex-husband and
the father of my children, Pat.

No. He's not.

That man
is not my father.

My real father
is a sweet man

who always puts other people's
needs before his own...

until I trained that
out of him.

But the real Pat O'Neal

is the glue that holds
this family together.

Honey, that's so sweet.

Am I allowed to say
that's sweet?

Yes.

Most divorced dads
move away

and start new families
elsewhere,

but you moved into the garage
to stay closer to us.

You moved into this garage
to be closer to your children?

[ Smooches ]

Um, it is a tiny house,
and, yes, I did.

I-It's honestly
the only way we've been able

to make it work
since the divorce.

It's messy,
and it's hard,

and the truth is, we are not
the poster family for anything,

except maybe meat.

I appreciate your honesty.

I've done this long enough
to know no one's perfect.

It's how we deal with our
imperfections that defines us.

For example, my cardiologist
told me to stay away from meat,

but I really feel like
that brisket is calling my name.

May I?

Yeah? Sure.

There you go.
Hm.

Mmm.

It's like gay karaoke.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Ironically, "Carmina Burana"
was written by clergy

when the Latin idiom
was the lingua franca.

Yeah, dude,
I was surprised, too.

And that's why Carl Orff's
famous scenic cantata

can only be described as --

and I don't like to use
these words lightly --

"balls to the wall."

[ Applause ]
Whoo!

Not bad work,
Mr. O'Neal.

Thanks.
I worked on it all night.

That's why my hair
looks so weird.

But the assignment was
for a 1,000-word presentation.

You were two words short.

Okay, um...

"The end."

Clever,
but that doesn't count.

You fail.
Now, moving on...

Wait a second.
Now you're just picking on him.

Jimmy has never worked
this hard on anything,

and it's not like you actually
counted all of those words.

Of course I did.

This is an official
usher's counter

from a Broadway theater.

Okay, but there's no way
on earth

you can count words
that quickly.

[ Click ]
That was 13.

You know what, Mr. Peters?

I really thought that you
were going to be somebody

I could look up to
and emulate --

a gay inspiration.

The truth is,
you're a bad role model.

You're not fun-mean.

You're just mean-mean.

You want to see mean?
You fail, too.

Okay!
That is not fair!

His presentation was twice
as long as mine.

I mean, he said
"in conclusion,"

and then he spoke
for another 10 minutes.

All right.
That's enough from you two.

I want you both to go see
Vice Principal Murray.

Oh, you mean the man that we had
breakfast with this morning

who was wearing
our mom's robe?

Gladly. And we'll be having
a word with him about you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you know what?

"Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding"
isn't even a Broadway show.

It's glorified
dinner theater.

[ Sighs ]
[ Click ]

I am ready to share
my knowledge.

What exactly
do you want to know?

All kinds of things.

Like, at what point do I tell
my eye doctor that I'm gay?

He knows. Next?

Did you participate
in the Stonewall riots?

Yeah. I threw my teddy bear
at a cop.

How old
do you think I am?

Don't answer that!
It's a trap.

Ms. Dunn,
you look gorgeous.

Do you do cats?

I want to give
General Kitten a perm.

Absolutely.

Now, let's talk about the gay
history that really matters.

In the summer of 1958,
the Ciccone family

welcomed a young girl
into the world.

Her name was Madonna.

[ Sighs ] Yes.