Original subtitles

I can't believe you're having dinner at my house. My house!

I have dinner at your house all the time. Last week, I ate at your place

than mine. Oh, yeah?

What a mooch.

Let's go, Wilder. Mom's waiting in the car.

No problemos. Just gotta get my bandage collection so we have something to talk

about at dinner.

Hold that.

Disgusting. Hey, Roxy.

How's things?

Not that good, Noah.

Yeah, Wilder's showing his bandage collection again. The magic is starting

fade. You'd think that'd be it. But my class is going to the reptile farm, and

it costs $10.

Market conditions in our house are like Wilder's grades, trending downwards.

So it looks like I can't go. I can give you $10.

Really? Thanks.

But don't tell Wilder. He's a proud guy. Me, barring money from you, would stick

in his head forever.

Can't believe you're having dinner at my house. My house!

Somehow I doubt that.

in the pages of my magazine.

The latest buzz, I want to know what it is, not what.

It's what's in and what's out. I'm gonna find out what everyone's talking about.

The latest buzz, I want to know what that's because.

Good luck tonight, Amanda.

I know you're going to be amazing.

I can't believe 30 ,000 people will be watching me sing the national anthem.

I feel so patriotic.

So are you going to stay for the baseball game or are you leaving right

I'm the opening act for a baseball game?

Someone for patriotism?

Michael, I need a lead for my next in so many words article. It's about me

joining the drama club.

Well, I would start by telling that your best friend has always wanted to join

the drama club, too.

I was hoping for something more gripping. Come on, Rebecca. Let me join.

I've never wanted something so much in my life.

You said that about the cookies I had at lunch.

And I fulfilled that dream while taking a bite when you weren't looking. Now

I've moved on.

Fine, but you better not go overboard and ruin it for me.

I am hurt.

I happen to be as sensitive as you.

If you prick me, do I not bleed?

If you tickle me, do I not laugh?

If you give me a horrible gift for my birthday, do I not try and return it

without a receipt?

Oh, dear.

Thanks for dinner, Big Wilder.

And Mrs. Big Wilder. Oh, you're welcome. No problem, Noah. My motto is, food is

meant to be eaten.

Noah, Roxy, don't stay up too late. And Wilder, don't fall asleep too quick.

We're going to put Chew -A to bed and then hit the hay ourselves.

Yeah, about that. No more hay in the bedroom. I want a real mattress.

And I want a hover bed. Hay is the smell of compromise.

Now say goodnight, Chew -A. Goodnight, Chew -A. Oh, nailed it. Yeah, I taught

her that one. Yeah, and no more teaching Chew -A corny jokes. No deal. That goes

against who I am.

Goodnight.

Bedtime march? Bedtime march.

Bedtime, let's go. Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime, bedtime. All the way.

This charity event is going to be epic. I can't believe you got Brett Ryan to

play. Yeah, he's really passionate about building homes in Mexico.

And I promised to quit asking to be his accordion player.

I can maximize profits if you involve me in the selling process.

Sorry, but nobody's going to buy a $20 ticket from a kid.

I only wanted to help you guys.

And let's not forget those poor people in Mexico.

Of course you can sell tickets. Just make sure you get $20. I promise,

promise. Now let's get to work.

I'm really impressed that you guys are missing an all -new, very special

of Pizza Patrol.

I'll see you in an hour.

Too easy.

GleeList .com.

Brett Ryan tickets.

$20 each.

Plus $5 handling fee.

Payable to me.

Please welcome to sing the national anthem's teen buzz fashion writer,

Pierce.

Amanda Pierce in the house.

Do people still say that? Well, I suppose they do when somebody comes in

house, obviously.

Remember, your best behavior. Not everyone here will know us, so...

to my drama club.

Mr. Shepard, are you the only teacher who works here?

No, but I'm the only one who doesn't know how to get out of stuff.

Anyway, let's get you started by having you prepare a scene for tomorrow night.

But Rebecca can't act her way out of a wet paper bag. I know because one summer

we put on a play called The Prince and the Wet Paper Bag.

I was good in that play.

Then why did Baba walk out? She was feeling sick.

Weren't we all?

Ow!

That's $20 for the ticket and a $5 handling fee. It's been a pleasure doing

business with you. Now beat it.

Roxanna, how goes the ticket sales?

Great. I only have two left.

That's awesome.

She takes after her older brother.

You haven't sold any.

I never said we were identical.

Is that the latest issue of The Amazing Adventures of Aardvark Man? Yes, it is.

I just got it.

Doesn't it cost ten bucks?

I think so.

I just got it from that boy. He traded it for a Brett Ryan ticket.

Please don't be mad.

How can I be mad at my little sister? But be more careful. There's a lot of

scammers out there. I will, Wilder. Bye, Noah.

Did Roxy mention anything about going to the reptile farm to you?

Totally. She went weeks ago. I remember because my mom gave her the money when I

was there.

Later, man.

That was my ten bucks.

About last night at the park.

How you doing with it, kiddo?

Over it. It's yesterday's news.

Actually, it's today's news.

A man appears in the air.

LOL. I thought you'd be mad that you got so nervous and accidentally botched the

anthem.

Why would I be mad about something I'm never going to do again?

You're quitting singing?

I sure am. I have a new love.

Take your pause.

It's the art of decorating an ugly object by gluing on colored paper and

bits of tackiness. Making it even uglier. You can have this one if you

Funny thing, I actually have one that looks exactly like it. Darn the luck.

Tonight I...

Screen star Michael Theodore Davies and this girl. Hey!

Sorry, this young woman will be doing a scene from Biff Kowalski's play Don't

Cry For Me.

Portage, La Prairie. And action!

They say there is nothing sadder than the sand of the Assiniboine River.

I say it's my heart.

Listen to me!

we go.

It's time.

We... Fly!

The next time I feel like the wind has blown off the topsoil of my soul, I'll

remember that as long as I'm in Portage the Prairie, I'll always have love.

Don't you agree?

Fly! Yes.

Yes!

End scene.

So, what'd you think?

Uh... Lime!

This concert is really coming together.

Tell me about it.

What? Seriously, tell me about it.

Okay.

It's really coming together. People are excited, tickets are selling, donations

are pouring in.

You know what I'm thinking?

It'd be cool... if we had a huge Brett Ryan sign over the stage.

That says what?

Brett Ryan.

Perfect.

As head of the Cherry Drive, I say check for it now on Glee List.

Power tripping's making me sleepy.

I'm going to get my pillow.

Okay, Brett Ryan CDs.

Toast with Brett Ryan's image.

Picket for concert featuring Brett Ryan.

$20 each plus a $5 handling fee.

Contact.

Hello,

Noah. Now, why would you be phoning my cell when you're already at my house?

I was just calling to see if you knew where Wilder was.

But then I remembered I just saw him 20 seconds ago.

I think I'll just catch up with him later.

He's on to me.

Things are about to get interesting.

I like interesting.

Brett Ryan Toast? That's just silly.

What's all this?

Acting books for you.

There's Meisner, Stanislavski, Uta Hagen, and here's Dex Cobra's book on

An Action Hero Never Cries.

It's really more of a pamphlet, but...

An action hero never cries.

The end.

Michael, do you think that maybe I wasn't the one who was bad in the scene?

That's hardly fair to Mr. Shepard. The man just ran the camera.

I meant you.

Are we really going to have this conversation?

Yes. And maybe you should write down what you're going to say in case you

your lines.

A bit player jealous of a superior talent?

A shop -worn Hollywood tale.

I'm going to my trailer. And by trailer, I mean locker.

I know that you know. Yeah, sure, I know lots of things.

I know that cows have no upper teeth, honey is the only food that doesn't

and the human head has 22 bones.

I know that you know I'm making a profit on the Brett Ryan tickets.

Yeah, that's what I thought you knew I knew.

By creating downloadable tickets, I saved us the mailing cost. That margin

straight to the bottom line. What's the big deal if I see a profit?

Well, the big deal is, first, you're talking like my dad's accountant.

And also, it is wrong to skim from a charity.

If Wilder ever found out, it would destroy him. And I'd use a portion of my

gains to rehabilitate him.

Look, I know you would never do anything to hurt your amazing dude of a brother.

That's so sweet.

I'm sorry.

What? I can't hear you.

I said, that's so sweet.

What? Speak up.

What is wrong with you?

Wilder has a don't kiss my sister mystery rule, and you just broke it. I

break it. That was a kiss ambush.

Roxy, you give me that photo.

What? I send you a copy, and if you keep quiet, I won't have to send one to

Wilder. Or Rebecca.

I hate technology.

Mr. Shepard, I demand that you show Rebecca the tape of our scene. She's

dragging me down to her abyss of acting hackdom. Isn't that a little harsh?

I'm a harsh guy.

All the great actors are.

You and Rebecca joined my drama club for fun. Why start pointing fingers about

who's the worst actor?

Hi, have we met before?

Leave it to a ham like you to protect a thespian disaster like Rebecca.

Huh, well, here's the tape.

Do enjoy.

What in the name of arts and crafts is going on?

Hey, DJ.

What do you think?

We need to talk.

Your desk will take two hours to dry anyway.

So, what's up?

You ever think that your sudden interest in decoupage is because you might

actually miss singing?

Please. My life is so much better without singing.

Showers take less time.

People don't ask me to sing happy birthday.

I don't get booed by 30 ,000 people.

Who needs it?

I want to show you something that I vowed I would never show anyone.

What is that? Some newfangled book?

It's what they used to record TV shows on before PVRs. Like, say, in the 90s.

Welcome to the world's most favorite show, Make Me an Icon! And here's our

contestant.

Hi, I'm Diane Jeffries, and I'm 14.

Fantastic. So, what are you going to sing for us tonight in love?

My love is sad.

Wow, no one else has sung that today.

How original of you.

I'm asking myself the same question.

Why do you always hurt me?

I've heard enough.

You sounded like a cat fighting a bagpipe, and they're both losing. I can

another song. I'll win this time.

I've only got one set of eardrums.

Please?

So, what do you think?

I think I'm glad I wasn't that terrible.

Amanda, that's not the point.

Then what is the point? Because hearing you fill a... Singing doesn't make me

want to try again.

The point is, sometimes failing helps us realize something.

Losing and making me an icon helps me realize that I wanted to be a

An entire TV audience thanked you.

Sometimes, though, failing makes us see how much we do want something.

Even after a bad experience, we so love that one thing.

Nothing will stop us from pursuing it.

That's how I feel about singing.

And harassing Daddy's assistant.

Now, go back to that stadium and show the world.

Thanks, JJ. I will.

Oh, I mean about singing, not harassing Daddy's assistant.

He's a very helpful man.

Let's go.

Roxy's at the blurb, and she's a tad young to be out alone.

You know, Roxy may not be as young as you think.

Nope, she's a year younger than me.

Or at least she was last year.

Why, what have you heard?

Okay.

Roxy charged a $5 handling fee on the Brett Ryan tickets and pocketed the

I found out, so she kissed me and took a photo to try to keep me quiet.

What? Did you stop by the accusation store on your way over? No, I can prove

to you.

The ad should still be up on Glee List.

Nothing. I believe this is what lawyers call liar, liar, pants on fire. She must

have taken it down. You're just embarrassed because Roxy sold more

you. Here, check this out, okay?

Look.

Wow, unbelievable.

Yeah. So what's our next move? It seems you already made your move. On my

sister. What? You placed the ad. Then my innocent sister found out. So you

kissed her to protect yourself. Get out of my house, you snake.

Wilder, just listen. Get out!

This way.

Are you kidding me? You know if I was reviewing that scene, you know what I

would say?

No, but I bet you wouldn't even mention me.

Michael Davies' acting was so wooden that the audience thought he was playing

Pinocchio.

How could I be so bad at something I'm so passionate about?

Well, maybe you can channel your passion into making fun of acting.

You might be right.

Michael Davies gave a performance that will never be forgotten, no matter how

hard you try.

Oh, I'm brilliant.

Oh, wait.

Let me try.

Michael Davies is to acting what Albert Einstein was to acting.

That's hurtful, Rebecca.

Accurate, but hurtful.

thank you cards. So, get to it.

That's my girl.

You know what I would like, Noah?

A smoothie and a muffin.

What a fascinating story. Thanks for sharing.

No problem. I love sharing.

In fact, maybe I'll share some of my spell picks with Rebecca.

Goody, I love photos.

One smoothie and a muffin coming right up. You kissed my sister, mister.

You did what?

Noah, how could you?

Considering the number of boys Rebecca kissed, it seems fair.

Take his side.

You're just mad because even Wilder's little sister's been kissed before you.

How dare you?

Somebody better explain why my charity concert has a handling fee.

He did it. That guy right there. You lousy snake.

Hey, snake is my word.

No one's worse than a snake. That is not true. I'm better than snakes in almost

every possible way. I'm walking out of the show.

I'm walking out of your life. You know what? You kissed my sister.

and kids know how to keep him quiet.

I set the whole thing up. So please, nobody break up, walk out, or yell

of me.

Yeah!

What's going on?

The con girl is being conned.

That wasn't for real?

It took me a while, but then I realized it was you.

So I set this all up. Everybody was acting.

That's why Michael was so stilted.

This round goes to you, Wilder Gulliver Atticus Wilder.

Wait, your first and last name are both Wilder? Yep, so I'll listen, no matter

what name somebody uses. Way to go, Wilder.

Wilder?

Wilder.

Wilder! Never fails.

Okay,

I've refunded all the handling fees.

Here's the two tickets I never sold, and I gave Noah his $10.

So, how did you know it was me?

Instinct. And Noah told me.

It's like this. In us wilders, you'll find a good side and a bad side.

You'll also find a birthmark shaped like a ballerina.

But that's neither here nor there.

You're at that age now where you're going to have to face that bad side and

knock it on its evil behind.

Pow!

I'm up to thaw some logs.

Why do you always have to cut wood right before bedtime?

Helps me sleep.

How about a glass of warm milk? Yeah, right. Like I'm going to cut milk.

Good night,

Mom and Dad. Good night, Chewy.

Say good night, Chewy.

Good night.

Sorry, I was getting tired of that joke.

Oh, actually, I kind of missed it.

Nighty -night. Love you guys.

We love you, too.

Bedtime song.

Bedtime. Bedtime, bedtime. We love trees.

We love trees.

So. This bad side.

What if I don't want to fight it? Then your older brother will fight it for

Looks like things are about to get interesting around here.

Good. I like interesting.

Game on.

Game on.

$7 handling fee.

Table to me.