Original subtitles

Konnichiwa. That's Japanese for hello.

Nandemo. That's Japanese for whatever.

Being together like this reminds me of our pity party. That was great. The

balloons, the streamers, the almost kiss, the explosion, the almost kiss.

Are you okay? You seem kind of weird.

If it's weird to remember a moment of bliss on the rooftop, then I don't want

be normal.

Which, granted.

And it wasn't a moment of bliss. It was just one of those things.

My mom told me that when a girl says it was just one of those things, she really

means it was amazing.

You're not taking your mom's advice on how to be girls, are you? No, of course

not. Please.

Okay, good.

Mom's Guide to Girls and Other Mysteries.

Where is it? Ah, here.

When a girl says that she just wants to be friends, it means that she wants to

be wooed.

Ah, Mom, is there anything you don't know?

Watching the time pass, and we forget, out and about, with my friends, find out

what's new, who's practicing on who, and if everyone's true, it's a whole new

scene, in the pages of my magazine.

Did DJ buy the excuse about a raccoon eating your hard drive?

Nope. And the time it takes to come up with excuses is seriously cutting into

the time it takes to write articles.

No, Jackson.

Oh, hey, buddy. How are you?

No, you make funnier sounds out of your armpit.

It's freakish how realistic they are. Yeah, it's like that, but frothier.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, great. All right, see you then. Okay, bye.

Let me guess.

Wilder? You boys.

Nope, your dad.

He invited us for dinner tonight, which is so weird, considered we're broken up.

Oh.

About that.

Yeah. What?

I haven't managed to tell him the bad news yet.

He needs careful handling. He's a fragile man.

Didn't he once ride a jackhammer to work?

Yes, but he cried when he hit a pothole.

Just like you cried when you hit the pothole on the road to Dumpsville.

As your dad taught you nothing?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Keith. Keith who?

Keith, me sweetheart, I miss you.

Hi, Mike. Jen. Oh, you know Jennifer?

We have chemistry together.

I'll get that.

I'll get that.

Hilarious. That is my A material.

I'll see you guys later.

That one's a real ladies' man.

And it's all thanks to my mother's handbook.

No good can come from a book written by your mother.

According to the book, people who say that are just jealous.

Yeah, I read that in her other book.

So you're friends with my Michael.

Your mom may be quite the wordsmith, but her love advice is a bit old school.

Lose the book.

You're right.

It's a piece of junk written by a woman with too much time and no boundaries.

You gotta help me. I'm crushing on a girl, and I don't know what I'm supposed

do. Relax.

The woman knows how to chew the chickadee.

First rule, don't call them chickadees.

I should tell you who the girl is, because I don't want it to be weird.

all weird. And I already know who it is.

Kind of obvious, dude.

So you're cool with it?

The Wyoming knows how to step aside and let another player through.

If you want to impress a girl, use the notes I keep in my sock.

Hands.

Check it.

There's compliments, stories, jokes. It's gold.

Do I want to know why you keep this in your sock?

Where else would you keep footnotes?

Yeah, yeah.

You won't mind if I spray it first, will you?

I recommend something in military strength.

Hey there, Miss Fashion Forward.

Everybody's loving your review on lunchtime lipstick.

Yay! Lunchtime lipstick.

Food for your lips, nah?

Yep. The company loved your write -up so much that they would like you to be the

lipstick spokesmodel.

Who? Little old me.

I'm not really sure.

But they want you to be in ads for blue cheese pizza and chicken salad flavors.

Would you like to do that?

Do you think I'd be any good?

We really need to fix the air conditioning in here.

I agree, but until then, can you get out of my light?

Lunchtime lipstick.

Food for your lips, not your hips.

Lunchtime lipstick.

For your lips, not your hips.

You can stop practicing.

You're already a supermodel to me.

I never get tired of hearing that.

Well, it's hard to be original when you're staring in the face of

That's really cute, Michael.

It is?

Cool.

So, you want to hang out then? I actually have a photo shoot coming up.

to be modelicious.

You know, surprised and intrigued.

You're a natural, Amanda.

Flowers. And sunsets hide in shame.

And it's your beauty that is to blame.

Ooh, a poem. We likey likey. Hey, I just did it too.

I'm a dude with a toad. A guy on the fly.

A man with a pan.

A pan? Why do you have a pan?

That's a plan. A man with a plan.

A super big macho goal setting plan.

You really know how to lighten things up, Michael.

You know what?

Let's hang out later.

Just for a date?

Why not? I guess I'd be...

Sort of a date thingy. Whoa, wait, you and me all superfied a date, like?

I mean, cool, whatever.

Eight o 'clock.

After I, uh... Wait.

Enjoy it.

Why do I feel like Waller's feet in here?

What?

You've been hovering for almost a minute.

You're like a wasp over a can of soda.

Took you two months to tell your dad we were dating in the first place. Taking

you another two months to tell him we're not?

I have a theory.

Does it explain why you can't talk without being annoying?

You think that if you don't tell your dad the truth, maybe we aren't really

broken up.

Hmm? Huh? Huh? Yeah.

You couldn't be more wrong.

I could always be more wrong. Two plus two is five. See? So easy.

I don't want to tell my dad because I don't want him to give me the pity talk.

The pity talk?

In my family, we just call that dinner conversation.

See? Annoying.

The pity talk is my dad feeling sorry for me. Saying, it'll be okay, champ.

squishing me in the hug of sadness.

Then offering me a stick of gum.

Okay, I see what you're saying.

He wants someone somewhere to think that we're still going out. I'm kidding.

I wish we were still going out. So I could dump you in front of my dad.

We'll tell him the truth tonight.

Okay, but if you start crying, we're not together anymore, so I can't console

you.

We still don't have it.

And so I said to Dex Cobra, I have arms like that, attached to my behind.

That's so funny. You mean your legs.

I'll see you later. All right, bye.

Hey, how'd it go with the little lady?

My footnotes help?

Well, my hand may now have athlete's foot, but overall, I got the job done.

Thanks to your small contribution and my enormous charm. I'm glad to hear it,

dude. Now we're ready for level two.

I don't think so. I think I'm going to fly solo this round.

Do you think that's the best thing?

You know, for the girl and anyone else who may happen to be watching?

I've got her wrapped around my finger. I think I can handle it.

He'll come back.

They all come back.

And I'll be right here.

Or over there in that chair where the lighting's better and I left some chips.

So, as I was leaving the forest late at night, thinking I had escaped the man

with a fork for a hand, I was met by the park ranger, and he extended his

hand to me, but all I saw was this. Stop!

Man, you got me good.

You'd think you would have seen that coming.

Considering he just told the story about a man who had a spoon for a hand. How

about the story about the FDA, the fun -dissolving agent?

Excuse me?

Why? What'd you do?

Stop it! It's not funny!

Rue, inside voice, remember?

I know how to act like an adult!

Instead of the girl stomping your foot and shrieking at her dad. Take your

elbows off the table!

Tidal tail.

Oh, why such a grumpy bear?

Dad, Noah has something he'd like to tell you.

Go ahead, Noah.

Oh, what is it, Noah?

You can tell me anything. You're like family to me.

I, uh... I gave Rebecca my school ring.

That's right!

I gave Rebecca's mom my school ring.

Yeah, you told me about five times. Yeah, we ended up getting married.

Really?

I'm out of here, DJ.

It's true what they say.

You become a supermodel and boys fill out of trees for you.

I guess that's why they want to save the rainforest.

Can you explain this?

You kicked a smurf?

No, I tried Lunchtime Lipstick's blue cheese flavor, and guess what? It

wipe off. Ew, perma -ugly. The worst kind.

Amanda, how did this happen?

Okay, there's a chance I didn't try the blue cheese flavor, because...

Gross? Who likes blue cheese?

Mr. Shepherd does. He did the chicken wing in my mouth.

Tonight, Amanda will get to experience a little Michael magic.

Hmm, what's the handsomest way to sit?

No, that hurts.

Oh, this works.

She's feeling it.

Cross -legged it is.

Hey, Mikey, can you order something that will cheer me up? I'm down.

Sure, love to. One order of Michael Davies coming up.

One banana smoothie, please.

So, what's up?

You know the review of lunchtime lipstick?

Well, I didn't mention that one of the lipstick flavors turns your lips blue.

She's upset.

Time to be sensitive.

That was kind of dumb.

More sensitive than that.

Are you even listening to me? Quick, put on your listening face.

Of course I'm listening.

I could really use your advice.

Okay. Whatever you do, don't say, take five seconds and test your products

before gushing over them in print. Take five seconds and test your products

before gushing over them in print.

Michael, I already know I messed up. I don't need a lecture.

Are you sure? Because your review's no good and you lied to your readers.

Michael! Make it better. Here I am, perfectly willing to be seen with you.

Too bad I can't say the same.

That could not have gone worse.

That could not have gone worse.

I've ever been so humiliated in my life.

Such a stupid, useless night.

She'll never want to see me again.

How'd the date go?

Great, why do you ask?

It was a disaster, the worst night of my life.

I'll have to go live in the woods and eat worms to survive.

Michael, the woods have nothing better. You'll be fine.

Aren't you going to tell me I'm overreacting?

Nope. It pretty much went the way I predicted.

Classic case of newbie overconfidence.

You're right.

I never should have gone in there without your footnotes.

I stunk it up in a way your socks never could.

No worries, man. I got a plan, and it's completely next level.

Is your plan going back in time to erase the events of last night?

No, but it should be. I'm very disappointed in myself.

For now, this will have to do.

You'll take her out again and wear a cell phone earpiece.

I'll feed you stuff to say and you'll sweep her off her teeny tiny feet.

That actually sounds cool.

But what if I get to a point where you just want to talk mono with girl -o?

Give me a code word. How about a goulash?

Or, since that's not likely to come up in a conversation, how about it's time?

That works, too.

I just blurted out the first thing that came to me.

But school ring?

What is this, 1956?

I'm surprised you didn't start doing the jitterbug.

Your dad doesn't dance, and I'm sensitive to that.

Seriously, I just panicked. Couldn't break the bad news. Your dad's so nice

funny. And he still hasn't told you the story Legend of Spatula Hand.

There's a spatula hand?

Your dad's holding out on me.

Maybe you want to date him.

Or maybe you still want to date me.

Please, that's your thing.

Let's just pick a time to tell him it's over.

Can't be after school. We already have plans.

No, we don't. I meant your dad and me.

In fact, I better head out. Meet us at a restaurant.

We don't have a restaurant.

Your dad and I do.

Okay, we'll break up with my dad when you get back.

Did no one try the chicken salad flavor? That one was fine.

I met with Boss Man. And when I told him what happened, his whole face turned

blue. And not because of any lipstick.

I have an idea how to fix this. Does it involve writing an apology, giving a

negative review, and quitting the modeling gig?

I just like you to overreact and do the right thing.

I talked to Abby's lawyer, and she prepared this legal report.

Apparently, I can have my cake and eat it too. We aren't legally responsible,

and I get my face on the huge billboard. Yeah?

Well, I'd like you to read this.

Dear editor, I'm 14 years old. I tried lunchtime lipstick's blue cheese flavor

for my first kiss with my boyfriend.

It was the sweetest thing ever until he asked, are you freezing or something?

Your lips are all blue and gross.

The moment was ruined.

Now I'll... This is heartbreaking. I can't even finish it.

She had a worse first kiss than you did.

Only because mine involved braces.

And eventually wire cutters.

I heard it was the jaws of life.

Whatever. Look, Amanda, I can't tell you what to do. Well, actually I can, but

I'd like to think you'll figure this one out on your own.

You're giving me a lot of credit I don't deserve.

Come in, ladies man. Come in, ladies man.

Do you read me, ladies man? I read you the first four times.

All right, here she is. Let's do this thing.

Okay, it's great to see you, but, you know, I think we should go back to being

friends. You think we should go back to being friends?

Why so hasty, my lovely lass?

Life's all about second chances.

Why so hasty, my lovely lass?

Life's all about second chances. You're on your third chance.

I'm on my third chance?

Well, third time's the charm, and I'm not going to mess up again. You are it,

girl. Third time's the charm, and I'm not going to mess up again.

You are it, girl.

Do you really think we could be a couple?

Do I think we could be a couple?

Why are you repeating all this? Shut it. I mean, I think we'd make a perfect

couple. All you have to do is cast your hopes into the winds of chance and watch

them blow to me.

That's really sweet, Mikey, but I'm still not sure.

You're still not sure?

Neither am I.

Neither is anybody.

But love's about taking risks.

And maybe if we forgave ourselves and forgave each other for not being

it could work out.

You're the first person I want to talk to.

It's like something hasn't even happened until I tell it to you.

I like you.

And I like me whenever I'm with you.

You really know how to apologize for a bad first date.

I know!

I've wanted to hear those words for such a long time.

Not from you, but you had the guts to say them, so maybe you were the right

after all.

Works for me.

Don't you think?

It's time. The Wildman is signing off. Good luck, buddy.

Hey, one thing. What about Wilder?

Don't worry.

Wilder's cool with it.

In that case... Smooth, Davey.

Smooth.

Today was the best.

Hey, look what your Noah won for me at the friendship fair. Hello.

Hello.

He's not my Noah.

He's not your Noah either. He's nobody's Noah.

We broke up.

What?

We've been broken up for a while, Dad.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

I didn't know you'd be upset.

Noah?

Is this true?

I wish I could say no.

I was going to say yes. Don't rush me, you heartless monster.

Oh, boy.

Here comes speech.

You'll be okay, champ.

You'll get through it and come out on top. You always do.

But first, how about a hug?

What?

Here, for you.

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly... No, take it.

As a memory of our... of our day together.

Take a cup?

Sure.

That was supposed to be my hug.

I'm so proud of you for doing this, Amanda.

People would also be proud of me for being on a billboard.

Hey, Team Buzzers, lips don't lie, and neither do I.

Here's the truth.

Lunchtime lipstick's blue cheese flavor is a fashion don't.

I steered my faithful readers wrong.

And now we'll walk our personal runways with blue lips together.

I am so sorry.

Let's just hope, ugh, it's anew.

Ew.

Can I have just gone to prison?

If there's a cloud nine, I'm on cloud eleven.

It's possible elves carried me here.

You're not talking like that around your new girl, are you? Not anymore.

Thanks a lot, Wilder. All this stuff he said was perfect.

Thanks for being cool. I know how much you liked her.

Nah, Jennifer was just a locker flirt.

But you probably noticed she laughs at all guys' jokes.

Jennifer? What?

No doubt you were funny with her, but she's kind of an easy laugh -a -thon

thing. But like you said, you guys have chemistry together, so if you're happy,

I'm happy, dude. Actually, we have chemistry class together.

Never mind.

Hey, boys.

I've just humiliated myself on the internet.

When do I get my own reality show?

Wilder, thanks for being so understanding about Michael and... And

good looks. No time to talk. Gotta go. Bye. Oh, Michael!

Jennifer wouldn't find that funny.

One day...

I'll be able to make that speech to you.

Not you.

Me.

I just have a lot going on right now. We want different things.

I know.

I know.

Hey, at least we'll have a mental village.

At least I'll always have that humongous stuffed bear.

Take care of yourself, kid.

You too, Mr. Adrian.

You too.

Gum?

Thanks. You're a real pro at this.

Not about being a pro.

It's about being a person.