Original subtitles

Okay, let's hear your journals. What have you got for me today?

I'd like to report on our school's upcoming hot list.

Ernie Coombs High, top 20 honeys. How's that your beat?

Um, insider's perspective?

She's been number one on every list since kindergarten.

I could predict 2 -10 if you want. I don't even read 11 -20.

Once you hit the double digits, it's too hard to pretend I care.

CJ, this is my story.

Every year, the school's so -called elite write this list.

Why should one group decide who's hot? They don't decide who's hot. They just

report it. I'll rip that list apart.

Leave it helpless and gasping on the floor.

Sounds like Shepard in my Pilates classes.

I love it. Store's yours.

Yes!

How come there's no hot list for dudes?

It's not much of a list if I'm the only one on it.

Yeah, according to the list your mom wrote.

Watching the time pass, can't wait to get out and hang out with my friends,

out what's new, don't crash me on who, and is that really true?

It's a whole new scene, in the pages of my magazine.

The game is fun, I wanna know what is not fun.

It's what's in and what's out, I'm gonna find out what everyone's talking about.

How many millions?

Not enough to take the pain away.

Daddy's assistant told me how much money I'll have by the time I'm 40.

It just made me realize that one day I'll be 40.

Is that upset that Rebecca's covering the hot list?

Of course not.

You've got your name at the top. top of the list. You don't need it at the

bottom of the article.

Ever since Wilder blew up at me, I don't know how to be happy.

I know I should have gone to Mexico with him for the summer. I know, but when he

said I crushed his heart, it was horrible.

Boo -hoo, and who cares about you?

How about killing an entire Hollywood franchise just by opening your mouth?

Ever spend a summer doing that?

No, that's your specialty.

Justice Casserole 2 Pass Assault is going straight to DVD. And its special

feature? Or how to delete and record over it.

If you're not going to sympathize, there's only one thing to do.

Laugh at other people's misery?

Try that. Wasn't ha -ha funny.

Like it's my fault DJ did her hair on the bus.

Well, what then?

You and I will throw the pity party of all pity parties.

It'll be dark, dank, and depressing, and nobody will have one second of fun. I'm

in. Sounds just like Rebecca's last birthday party.

Or the premiere of Justice Castle 2.

No matter how much I ask, no one would pass themselves.

Buffalo border Crispin Lipscomb is a hero in the halfpipe. He makes you

that humans can fly.

Actually, I believe humans can fly.

They just don't want it bad enough.

Hold on, Cher. Wally needs peace and quiet, so zip it.

This chair's too hard for the legs on my tush.

Too soft.

Oh, this chair is just right.

Why do I suddenly crave porridge?

Gonna eat you up, oh yes I am.

With a side of cheese and some crispy ham.

For some lettuce, for some rough edge.

Rough edge!

Dude, could you not?

It's not my fault. It's the chair. Well, the chair wasn't making any trouble

until you got here.

You stole my chair.

What?

Stole your chair?

Don't put air quotes around a chair. That is a chair.

Exactly. It is a chair. It is not your chair. It is Buzz's chair. I work at

Buzz, so I'm using it.

Wilder, this is the most annoying thing you've ever done. No.

This is the...

I stand corrected.

Walking down the hall.

It's true. Girls do let themselves go when they're heartbroken.

Sarcasm and insults. We really are just friends now.

Now go before anyone sees us together.

Wait. You're embarrassed to be seen with me?

I'm going undercover to get the truth about this hot list.

My name is Myrtle Bukowski, crusader of accuracy and destroyer of unfairness.

Only you can create a character nerdier than Rebecca Harper.

Ow!

What'd you do that for?

Don't blame me. Blame Myrtle Bukowski. She has a short fuse and clogs up fury.

Can you proof these non -invites for the pity party?

Dear person who's cooler than we are, since you've never been caught dead with

us, please don't bother showing up.

Amanda and Michael send their regrets.

It's about everything they've ever done.

Aesthetic.

Perfect! Now, here's how we're going to cap off the night. We'll destroy all the

mementos from our summer of failure.

I'll take Walter's kiss coupons, a little pink bonking stick, and nosy

on napkins.

I hope there's a big enough box for all my fame.

Okay, I'll take movie posters, the script, and this sweater.

Is that what you wore in the movie?

No, but the sleeves are a little long and the color doesn't match my eyes.

Fine. We'll each put our stuff in a box and give the boxes to Daddy's assistant.

He'll put them in an old building Daddy's having demolished.

Dlammo! Our past will be blown to smithereens! Yes!

We wrecked our summer! We wrecked our summer!

We wrecked our summer.

We wrecked our summer.

This party can't come soon enough.

Gotta be kidding me. I sure do get a new perspective from this level.

Did you know our teachers wear cheap belts?

You brought my chair to school.

I like to think it brought me, although I did all the work.

Either way, there's nothing getting me out of this comfy cheek embrace.

Yay!

I see.

Look! Isn't that Tony Hawk handing out chili dogs?

What? Where?

Good to see you again, pal.

Noah Jackson?

Sorry, sir, you're not on the list.

Are you sure?

You're sure. Okay.

That wasn't Tony Hawk handing out chili dogs.

That was nobody handing out nothing.

It's like you said that just to get me out of the chair.

Thank goodness for the bouncer.

Wilder?

Right this place, sir. Your seat is ready.

We are not done here, Wilder. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step back.

Yeah, sure. Don't eat me.

So how'd the day go? Dig up any dirt on the hot list?

It was amazing.

Everyone spilled their guts to Myrtle Bukowski, listener of laments and

protector of feelings.

Myrtle who?

Oh, you have something on your...

I feel like they don't exist.

Pretty girl said they obsessed over it. That's great. I think you might... They

post this tomorrow morning, and I'll be there to catch these guys. Excellent.

There's just one thing... But guys allow people to be honest.

Little do they know, they're talking to Rebecca.

Sorry,

hon. People probably knew who they were talking to.

Well, there's heart in a box.

If he were here right now, he'd probably clutch his little chest and ask for it

back. Stop it.

This is no time for weakness.

You're right.

It's all about the pity.

Strong, strong pity.

What's tomorrow?

How will we know when the building's about to blow?

Daddy's assistant is going to text me. Then we'll watch the explosion and

until our heads can touch.

You're going to be more pathetic than the day I tried to bring back the no

-shirt -and -leather vest look.

Too bad I was on class picture day and you scarred the photographer for life.

Just make sure your box is ready for five. See you tomorrow.

See you.

Name dropping Michael Davies.

Oh.

Well, if it isn't the agent to the has -beens.

What? A hit?

Where?

I always said Egyptians are smarter than the rest of us.

Yes, I did say that.

Anyway, this is incredible.

I'm famous.

I'm famous. I'm famous. I'm famous.

I'm famous in Egypt. I'm famous.

Clearly, I can't destroy any of these items now.

The Egyptians would be devastated.

I mean, what would be left to be put in my pyramid?

Coaster, obvious keeper.

The script?

Eh, it'd be worth something someday. Like today.

Sweater?

Now that I'm a star, I can buy colored contacts to match.

Oh, I can't destroy any of this.

I can't give the driver an empty box.

Ah.

Ah. Rebecca's heart. candy.

I'll just say Wilder ate it.

I'm famous!

Oh, 800 hours. About to destroy the snobbiest list in school.

Unable to deny urge to talk to self.

And regretting choice to wear open -toed shoes.

Presently at the hot list posting zone.

I do love a good stakeout.

Today, I'm proud of an adult recycling bin, but tomorrow, I could run a poll,

sir.

And the nominees for excellent in journalism are...

I

couldn't possibly accept

another poll.

Eight can't even count to eight.

Number two, how do you sleep at night?

Oh, and look at number four.

Rebecca.

What did everybody say?

Um, not much. There were complications.

What sort of complications?

An early morning fire drill, a locker inspection, all my library books were

Let's jibber -jabber, girl. Just give me the list. I'm afraid that's still

confidential information.

What are you talking about? It's all over the school.

Now, how are we going to make sure that this is the last list ever written?

Who's nowhere near as hot as me or even hottie number three? Pick your jaws up

off the floor. It's this girl, our new number four.

Rebecca made the list.

Thanks a lot.

Don't diminish my talents. I'm already down on myself as it is.

There you are indeed.

Number four.

Weird, huh?

Just remember, Rebecca Harper may have made the list, but a lot of Myrna

Bukowskis didn't.

I like it when your eyes go all googly for a new pair of shoes.

Wilder, now you're so angry at me.

My bunking's sick.

But I didn't bunk a single nail in Mexico.

It clearly ruined his life.

Wilder's kiss coupon.

It is not transferable.

That cute little monkey must be miserable without me.

I like monkeys. I don't want to give mine up.

Rebecca's going to be decorating her ducky -packy knick -knack.

Foiled again, Jackson.

Are you going to take that sitting down? Ha ha!

Oh, I sense a chafe coming on. Get back here, you thief!

I don't know.

Dude, why'd you stop?

I think you were gaining on me. How can I not be? None of those wheels go in the

same direction.

Look, I want that chair back, Wilder. I need it.

Why would anyone need a chair that badly?

Picture it.

A young boy, clever, but not book smart.

Cute, but not precious.

Thin, but not scrawny. Nobody can picture all those things.

Picture me in first grade.

Oh, okay.

Done. It was my first day at a new school, and I was late. And by the time

there, all the chairs had been taken.

Even the little one in the back with the splinter sticking out of it. Why did

every class have one of those? They're very dangerous.

I know.

I had to stand alone and ashamed for an entire month before the janitor returned

from vacation and delivered an extra chair. No!

Oh, and how the children laughed.

Chairless Charlie, they'd say.

Chairless Charlie.

I didn't even know your name. They were using alliteration. It was corporate.

They could have called you No Chair Noah. Okay, they weren't that clever.

Anyway. Now the loss of any chair breaks my heart. I couldn't even go to parties

as a kid. Musical chairs, more like musical tears.

It's horrible.

Horrible.

Take this chair, Noah.

I don't want it. I never wanted it.

You better have wanted it. I totally did. I just said that.

It's not in the direction I thought we were going.

I don't think this is right for Bud.

The hot list is hot. Killing the story because we're suddenly pro -list would

so damaging to school spirit.

The dropout rate would rage out of control.

That's a bit of a stretch.

The hot list is an important and highly anticipated part of the school year.

To the 20 people who are on it.

Still number one. 11 years running.

Rebecca, to most people, this list is hurtful. It makes them feel like they'll

never measure up. Like no matter what they do, if they're not pretty, they

don't count.

Wait.

You never made the list, did you?

I made the dance list.

I made the perfect attendance list. I made a to -do list. I also made Lisa

Fong's girl, so we'll go to the prom alone list.

So I never made the stupid hot list.

That's not the point.

Maybe it is.

Maybe you want me to write a negative article because you had a negative

experience.

I thought we were supposed to write what we truly believed.

You are.

Then? Then ask yourself.

Do you truly believe the hot list is a good idea?

Or are you just excited because you're on it?

Life was so much simpler when I had a unibrow.

It only took me ten steam cleanies to get rid of Wowser's cheek grooves.

But it was worth it.

I know I lied to get you back, but he bought it. I'm just that good.

I'll never let you out of my sight again. Let's go home.

Daddy was worried sick.

What?

That is my chair from my rumpus room at home.

Rumpus room is a good name for it. Holds my rump like a dream.

But what?

You? So many questions, and the answer is yes.

I am awesome.

You're my best bro -bro, but brothers never lie. And you lied about the

story. I guess I shouldn't have. Wait, what?

Janitors do not get a month off. I know Jeb, our school's janitor, and he works

like a dog.

Although he'll never let me pet him.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me, I've got some bum grooves to form.

We sent out 200 invitations and not one person showed up. This is the best pity

party ever.

Let's pop some balloons and mourn what might have been. Cool, I even brought my

own pity popping pin.

It's daddy's assistant.

Stop your popping because the billing's about to blow up in T -minus 60 seconds.

This is a big moment.

It is.

Let's bid farewell to the foul sense of yesterday and embrace the fresh new

sense of tomorrow.

Sorry, I should have used the less stinky image.

No, it's not that. It's just, did you by any chance take anything out of the

box? What?

No, we had a deal.

OMG,

I took it all out. Me too.

My agents and my chipmunk boys fans all over the world. Really?

Okay, a few fans in one faraway country, but they love me. Did you put anything

in the box?

Rebecca's candy ball.

Rebecca's candy ball!

You are as shallow, cowardly, and superficial as I am.

You know, this pity party's only missing one thing.

Really? What's that?

Well, that thing Wilder was supposed to give you.

Something you might want from an action star famous in one faraway country.

Feeling a lot of self -pity right now.

Good party.

Good party.

Well... I just used the hot list as a starting point.

Then moved on to a bigger story.

People who never made any list, but moved on to glory.

I got that.

Former supermodel Cindy Crawford lost a local beauty pageant.

J .K. Rowling was rejected by countless publishers.

Justin Morneau was the third string goalie on his hockey team.

And a certain award -winning magazine editor was once voted most likely to go

prom alone.

Take that, Lisa Fong.

Yes. You and so many others defied the odds and did great things.

And that's what I wanted to write about.

The anti -list.

I love it, Rebecca.

You do?

Yay!

It's flattering to be on a hot list, but I promise you.

It will not be my finest achievement.

Let me guess. You have another undercover story planned?

Yep. This time I'm Babs Belvedere. Moral compass, consumer advocate, and all

-around nice gal. Babs squints, burps, and walks like this.

And she also has a real sweet tooth.

Hey! Who stole my candy?

Let me buy Babs a smoothie.

Okay. But just so you know, Babs is lactose intolerant.

Did you know this baby's got three positions?

Relaxed, sleepy, and hibernate.

Since it's my chair and I program those positions?

Yeah, I know.

But this chair's also good.

Sure, as long as you don't mind going analog. That chair doesn't even get good

reception.

Get back here, Wilder.

Chairless Charlie, chairless Charlie.

The chair!

Good for me. I am comfortable.