Original subtitles

- Red Team, this is Blue Team. We are in position.

How copy? Over.

Blue Team, this is Red Team. I copy: Blue in position. Over.

Gold Team, this is Blue Team.

All units are in position and awaiting further instructions.

What is your status? Over.

Gold Team, two-three, this is Blue Team, one-two.

Radio check. Over.

Uhhh, yeah, we're here Blue Team.

Gold Team, I repeat, what is your status? Over.

Uh, we're pretty good.

What!

Actually, we were wondering if we could maybe

change our name to Orange Team?

What difference does it make?

You tell them it makes a big difference, Bitters,

because I am orange.

I am not gold, I am not yellow, I'm fucking orange!

Grif!

Get off the radio! The teams are fine!

The teams suck.

You're gonna blow our cover!

Ugh. All right, we'll be gold.

Go tell the Blue Team to suck a dick

and then get in position.

Whatever you say, captain.

(dramatic music)

We're infiltrating an enemy base

and you're bitching about colors.

It's a misleading title! People could get confused!

Oh shut up.

No, he's right. I'm confused.

Caboose, you're always confused.

Well that sounds confusing.

Ooh, okay, door's opening in approximately 15 seconds!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh man, what if this doesn't work?

Probably won't.

What if it's a trap!

Probably is.

What would Sarge say in a time like this!

Shut it, Simmons.

Probably, yeah.

Here we go!

(screaming) (gun firing)

Did we win?

No. Apparently we've unlocked one of several security doors.

Oh, so I talk on the radio

and it's jeopardizing the mission,

but that happens and everything's fine?

Shush, Grif! They might hear you!

Door's opening!

(screaming) (gun firing)

Captain Grif, we have a visual on the main compound, over.

What's it look like?

Well, on a scale from one to 10...

I'd say we're pretty fucked.

Stow that kind of talk, Bitters.

Our COs put a lot of thought into this plan,

so why don't you show a little faith?

Right, Captain Caboose?

Yes.

All right, we're almost there. Is everyone ready?

- Ready.

- Ready.

- Ready.

- Ready.

Captain Simmons? Jensen has something to say to you.

Uhh, yes Jensen?

I just wanted to say, that no matter what happens,

it's been an honor working with you, sir.

Uh, thank you, lieutenant.

That is, yes, that's... Affirmative.

Over.

What the fuck was that?

What?

Did you stroke out for a second? You sounded like Caboose.

If he's me, can I be him?

Shut up.

Look at me, I'm smart! I like slide rulers and protractors!

Oh, I can't wait to go do some protracting!

So I still have problems talking to girls. Big deal!

Yeah, it is!

Especially when your squad consists entirely of girls!

Now man up!

Oh no, this is like junior high all over again!

What?

Why do I have to play in the women's league?

I want to be a mathlete, dad! A mathlete!

Okay, I don't want to be Simmons anymore.

God damnit, do I have to do everything around here?

Everybody get ready! We're going on my mark!

Three. Two. One!

Every man for himself.

It's important that I live.

What? What's going on?

Suppressing fire.

Reinforcements on our way! Ah Grif!

Captain Caboose. No!

Don't worry, we're coming!

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Why are there so many pedals on this thing?

(alarm ringing)

What the hell was that?

(screams) Oh, we stopped.

What is the point of these training exercises

if you people aren't going to work together?

But we did! We had team names and everything!

- Grif was gold! - Orange!

You had a plan, you were organized,

but once again you crumbled under pressure!

Lieutenants, debrief with your COs.

Everyone else, round up all training weapons and uniforms.

That's enough capture the flag for today.

Whoa, what the hell are we supposed to say?

"Hey guys, sorry you still suck.

Turns out we suck too,

but at least we have something in common!"

Tell them what they need to hear.

Tell them that they can do this, and that next time,

they will be better.

So you want us to lie to them?

No, I don't.

You wanted to talk to us, sirs?

I hope Tucker has it better than this.

Hey Felix...

You think I could have a turn with that sniper rifle?

- Absolutely not.

Sometimes I like to take my hands

and cup them around my eyes!

Like little hand-binoculars.

Shut the fuck up, Palomo.

It doesn't look good, guys.

They've really beefed up their security.

Why? What's going on?

Well, could be that someone from up top

is coming to visit, or it could be a response

to the weapons I stole from this place a few weeks ago.

Gee. I wonder which one it is.

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious it's the weapons.

Stop talking.

We're gonna have to go with plan B.

Wait, what do you mean? What's plan B?

We plant C4, we leave, and we blow this outpost to hell.

What?

It's a standard hit and run.

I've done it a million times, we'll be fine.

Uh, actually no, we will not be fine.

I thought you said we came here to gather "intelligence".

That's gonna be pretty fucking difficult

when their computer system is in about 40,000 pieces.

Okay, I get that you want to save your friends.

I do, really,

but data retrieval is no longer an option.

Once we find out where they're holding Wash

and the others, the New Republic

will do everything they can to save them,

but today isn't that day.

Yeah, whatever.

Now, we've only got one active-camo unit.

Tucker, that's going to you.

It's a little damaged, so try not to run it constantly,

only when you need to disappear.

Got it.

As for the rest of you, that's up to your captain.

Oh! Right.

Ah, here's the problem.

Rats must've chewed through the wire.

That is a military-grade, reinforced power cable.

What kind of rats are you talkin' about?

Space rats?

Yeah, I could see that.

Oh, the back of my head!

Perfect!

Now you look just like the rest of those assholes!

That was stupidly fortunate.

What do you mean?

I mean what if we had ended up with two really fat bad guys?

What size are you, Cunningham? Like a medium?

Youth extra-large, sir.

See? Whole plan, whole plan would've been ruined!

You think just 'cause you watch something on TV

that it's a good idea?

You don't?

Also...

Really, man? Youth extra large?

It's very slimming, sir.

Hey, what about me? Do I get a disguise?

No.

- Palomo, you're guarding our escape route.

Oh, okay!

It's because I don't trust you.

Got it!

Honestly, if you were out in the field,

you'd probably get all of us killed.

I can totally see that, yeah. Yeah. That'd be me.

- Alright.

Let's go to work.

Okay... just play it cool.

You really think this plan's gonna work?

I mean I know the Reds and Blues are supposed

to be war heroes, but...

they all seem kind of dumb.

Dude, I'm invisible, not deaf.

Oh. Sorry, sir.

Okie-dokie, boys!

Everyone take your modified sticky-detonators,

find something that looks expensive,

and strap a bomb to it.

As soon as you're done, head back to the cave.

You sure you'll be okay in your armor out there, sir?

Don't you worry about me, kid.

Freeze!

I am fucking awesome.

Okay, bomb. Do me a favor and don't go off in my face.

Am I right?

Who am I talking to?

- You mean he's here?

Shit.

Yeah. Just came in from the city.

They still got the Freelancer up there?

I dunno, look it up inside.

Fuck that. I'm not gonna let him catch me slacking off.

Wash...

- Tucker, what's your status?

Uhh... good, good.

Almost done...

- Don't move! - What the?

- I said don't move! Turning is moving!

Alright... I want, like, a hard drive or something.

With base locations, and classified shit,

and any info you've got on Agent Washington

and the other guys you kidnapped a while back!

Okay, just take it easy.

- Captain, we're almost done. Where are you?

I'm in the lab, gimme a second.

- You're what?

Chill out, dude, I got this.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

I specifically told you not to!

Thank you, mute button.

Alright. The files are copying over to a flash drive.

Sweet.

Haha. Look who's dumb now!

- Hey! I surrender!

No, sir, it's me! Cunningham!

Oh, right.

You turned off your radio! Everything okay?

Yeah, sorry, I was kinda in the middle of something.

Well we gotta go, like, now!

Right. Absolutely.

Just one more minute.

Sir, but I think the Feds are onto us!

Okay! Okay! We can go...

Now!

Oh shit.

- Cunningham, everything okay?

Jason... man, what's going on?

Guys, uh... Cunningham isn't responding!

We've been infiltrated.

- Sound the alarm.

(alarm blaring)

Oh, fuck.

God damn it! Everyone move, we are aborting the mission.

I've detonated some of the C4s as a distraction,

so get out now!

There's a good chance they'll be searching for and

disarming the bombs!

Aw man.

- Hey you! Stop!

Uhh, yes?

You're a specialist, right?

- Come on man, we need your help!

Oh right.

Shit!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck!

- Tucker! - Jesus dude!

Are you okay? What happened?

No, I mean, yes I'm fine! Where's Felix and Rogers?

Here!

Oh.

You can disarm this, right?

I uh, no I-

What do you mean "no"? This is your job!

Right! No, I know! Uh. I know.

- Intruder!

Right.

Talk to me people, where's Rogers?

- Not here!

Cunningham?

Locus got him.

Locus is here?

Run!

- What about Rogers? - Get down!

- No! Wait!

Aw, son of a-

Boom! Huge explosion, you wouldn't believe it!

He just shook it off, though,

like it was nothing and he comes right at us!

Ooh.

He cuts our rocket launcher in half,

so Tucker goes in for a stab,

but nothing's working, that's when I knew what to do.

I throw myself on top of him,

taking him completely by surprise!

But he has the strength of 10 men!

No, 10 bears!

- Dude, bears are strong...

This guy's invincible!

It looked like nothing was going to stop him!

What did you do?

Huh? Oh, we tied a car to him and threw it off a cliff.

- That is the most metal thing I have ever heard.

So the moral of the story is: you never know when random,

seemingly unimportant stuff

will turn out to be very important.

Which is why you shouldn't question me when I tell you

to build me something like a hammock, or a human slingshot.

- Grif, what are you doing?

Just telling these guys how we took down the Meta.

Why?

Is it true, Simmons?

Did he really growl like some sort of monster?

Did he really have the strength of 10 bears?

I more like... you know, 20 bears?

- Wow! - So hot.

That is why.

You're spending way too much time with Tucker.

Grif, Simmons, and Caboose. Report to my office immediately.

Well guys, looks like that's it for today. Run along.

- Aww.

- I liked the part with the bears.

- Tucker!

- If you hug me, I will shoot you.

It's okay Tucker, I know you're more into groping.

Come on, let's grope!

- When'd you get back?

A little while ago.

What happened?

Oh, I'll tell you what happened.

Captain Tucker here decided to disobey orders

and took it upon himself to recover

a hard drive full of Federal Army secrets...

A decision that only cost him the lives of two of his men.

That's a pretty damn good trade if I do say so myself!

- What?

Man, you should've seen this guy!

He was all, "I don't play by the rules!"

Fuckin' James Bondin' and shit all over the the place,

it was crazy!

Wait, I thought you were pissed!

Oh, do not get me wrong!

I wanted to beat your worthless skull

into the ground until it was paste,

but look where we are now!

You took a risk, and it paid off!

Paid off? Dude, two of our guys are dead!

And two more will probably die tomorrow.

Seriously, what don't you people get about that?

- That's enough, Felix.

Just sayin'.

Tucker...

Your choice cost two men their lives,

but it also granted us access to valuable information.

Whether or not it was the right thing to do is a conclusion

you'll have to come to on your own.

I'll leave it at that.

Right now, the six of us need to have a talk.

Could it not be as depressing

as the talk we're having right now?

I know where your friends are.

- You do? - Whoa.

- Yay! I have friends! - When did this happen?

I kept digging through the files Tucker brought back.

There wasn't much to go off of, but eventually I found them.

From the looks of it, they've been moved around a bit.

Finally! We can rescue Sarge

and everything will go back to normal!

Isn't that great, Grif?

Great is a strong word, Simmons.

I'd've gone with "tolerable".

- Don't celebrate just yet...

As I said, they've been moving around fairly regularly,

and from the looks of things that isn't going to stop.

Right now, they're held up in a compound

just north of a nearby mountain range...

but in about a week,

it sounds like they'll be transferred to the Capital...

a place that is very, very out of our reach.

So, then we go get them now!

Is that, that's a thing we can do, right?

The compound she's talking about is twice the size

of the one Tucker and I raided.

Breaking in would be suicide,

breaking someone out would be...

like suicide, and a bunch of puppies dying.

- How do you know?

Because I've tried.

And uh, spoiler alert, it didn't go well!

Are the puppies okay?

Kimball, please, talk some sense into these guys.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, can we get back to the puppies?

When I first heard about you four,

I envisioned strong, daring, respectable soldiers.

- But?

But now that I've come to know you...

I've found that you're something else entirely.

It turns out you're all a bunch of...

- Cowards. - Losers.

- Idiots? - Spacemen.

Misfits. You're oddballs that don't exactly fit in...

Which is why my men all look up to you,

and why morale has been at an all-time high.

Because they can relate to you.

Because together, we're an army of underdogs and outcasts.

But as of right now,

I cannot authorize a rescue mission of this scale.

Interestingly enough, you work well when you fight together,

but individually you still haven't shown

what it takes to lead others.

Which is why I'm giving you five days.

Five days to assemble a smaller team.

One comprised of the best of each of your platoons.

And if you can convince me that you're ready

by the end of those five days...

then you will have my support.

- Five days?

- That's not really a lot of time.

Well, it's all you've got.

Yeah. Um, if this is really happening,

I'd like to be paid in advance.

Five days? Five fucking days?

My naps take longer than five days.

And President's Day is Monday!

So we can't expect people to come in on a holiday,

because that would be time and a half, and-

oh my god, that would be five and a half days!

Take may advice, gentlemen.

Live to fight another day.

I think I liked you better

when you thought we were super soldiers.

- Hey, what's up with that?

This is a plasma rifle.

Part of my cut from the hit and run.

- Your cut?

- You think these guys have any money lying around?

Yeah, right.

They pay me in old, alien tech.

The whole reason Chorus was chosen for colonization

was because it showed promising signs

of extraterrestrial artifacts.

Turns out the UNSC was right,

too bad they abandoned the place.

But hey! Their loss is my very shiny, very valuable gain!

Wait, why steal weapons and ammo

when we could just use this space-laser shit?

Because they don't work, genius. They're busted.

But I'm willing to bet someone out there would be happy

to pay a very large sum of money for these babies.

Wait, I'm sorry, I'm confused, are they babies or lasers?

Or laser babies?

While we're talking business, if you guys are serious

about rescuing your friends by the end of the week,

I could always be persuaded to increase

my level of assistance for a one-time fee, of course!

Maybe something along the lines of an alien energy sword?

Eh? Any takers?

Tucker?

I don't think so.

If you like the New Republic so much,

how come you still charge them for your help?

Because when I retire,

I want a television the size of a billboard.

Well, that's gonna be bad for your eyes.

I'm just saying you could always help us out for free.

You know, mix it up a little?

Ah, okay, so you want me to help you

rescue your friends because?

What, it's the right thing to do?

Yeah. It's called "not being a dick."

You know, if I recall,

the first time these people ever asked you for help,

you turned them down.

Figured this whole "civil war" thing wasn't your problem.

In fact, I bet if your friends had never been captured,

you'd still refuse to lend them a hand,

even if it was the "right thing to do".

- Everyone has their price.

I learned that a long time ago. And you're no exception.

I just think that-If you would just reconsider, sir.

I mean, I've followed your order from day one!

With like, the burritos, and,

I'd follow you to the end, sir, really I would!

Bitters, what do I always say?

Nobody likes a kiss-ass.

Nobody likes a kiss-ass.

But sir!

Matthews, you are, in fact, a total kiss-ass.

And nobody likes that.

Bitters, do you like that?

Nope.

Bitters doesn't like that.

Because Bitters here is a maverick.

A loose-cannon... And people love loose cannons.

I'm a bit of a loose cannon myself,

isn't that right Bitters?

Actually, I'm starting to think you're just kind of lazy.

You see that? Total loose cannon response.

I respect that, Bitters.

(sighs) Whatever.

So as much as it pains me, inside

I'm afraid I must deny your request

to join our elite team, Matthews.

Very well, sir. I understand.

Even in defeat, he's still a kiss-ass.

- Grif, hurry up!

Speaking of which...

Hello! Welcome, everyone! Thank you for joining us here.

Why don't we just all go down the line

and introduce ourselves?

Um, hi, yes. My name is Michael J. Caboose.

- Hi, Michael.

No, I meant the recruits!

Why would we need to introduce ourselves?

They already know us!

- Yes, but do they know the real us?

What does that even mean?

- That's a very interesting question, Tucker.

Why don't you elaborate on those feelings?

Ugh. Just state your name.

- And tell us a fun fact about yourself!

- Really?

Permission to speak, sir?

Uh go for it.

Thank you sir! Lieutenant Jon-

Hey, G.I. Joe, could you drop the act?

We don't have all day.

Oh uh, very good sir. My friends call me Smith.

I've served the New Republic faithfully for several years,

and I believe Captain Caboose

is one of the wisest individuals

I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, sir.

Great, another kiss-ass.

You mean our Caboose?

Yes, sir.

- This one right here? - Correct.

The blue one?

Okay, moving on. Next!

Hello everyone! I'm Katie Jensen.

I enjoy vehicle maintenance, biology, uh.

Should we do something?

Sorry. Choked on my own spit.

Simmons, what the fuck is this?

It was either her

or the really hot one that plays volleyball.

Then what the fuck is this?

She makes me less nervous, okay? Leave me alone!

- Next?

I'm Bitters. My fun fact is I don't have a fun fact.

Total. Maverick.

And last but not least!

Private Palomo, slayer of women, wooer of evil. Wait...

Is that your fun fact?

Oh, uh, I'm the only surviving member of Green Team!

Suck on that!

I fucking hate you, Palomo.

Alright!

As you've all been informed, this team has come together

for the sole purpose of rescuing the remaining survivors

of a UNSC shipwreck from several months back.

We all know them as Donut, Agent Washington, and Sarge.

And maybe a Spanish robot named Lopez.

And maybe an adorable robot named Freckles!

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

The point is, we've only got five days to train you guys,

so we're getting started now. Any questions?

Who is leading this team?

I am.

- Uh, what?

Well, I'm obviously the one who should be leading us.

I'm the most logical of the group!

Bullshit!

I'm the one who set up this entire meeting!

Yeah, and this meeting blows dicks.

Wait, why do you want to be the leader?

Well, I'm really starting to get used

to all this praise and pampering,

and I don't want to risk losing it all to one of you jerks.

- I can always praise and pamper you, sir!

God damnit, Matthews, what did we just talk about?

Well I think there's an easy way to settle this.

Raise your hand if you were the leader

of a team any time before joining this army.

- Oh whatever, that was a fluke.

Yeah, and I forgot to raise my hand.

Hey, if you're looking for experience,

so far I'm the only one who's been on an actual mission.

Two people died...

Excuse me, sirs?

We could always vote.

My fellow soldiers, if you elect me as your leader,

you're not just voting for a kind,

well-mannered leader, you're voting for victory!

I've overseen countless skirmishes

and calculated my opponents' every move,

and although some people may not count Dungeons and Dragons

as an acceptable example of military expertise,

I beg to differ.

A vote for Dick Simmons is a vote for America!

But we're not in America.

Fuck.

And I will put kool-aid in all the water fountains!

And we won't have to wear uniforms anymore!

And Principal Kimball will allow us double recess!

Caboose, you're not running for class president!

No, don't you see?

We won't need uniforms anymore,

because the war will finally be over!

Kimball will send us out into the world,

and we'll never have to raise another gun ever again.

My god, he has such a way with words.

Is this guy for real?

Wait, what about the kool-aid in the water fountains?

Oh yeah, that sounds awesome.

- Dibs. - What?

I call dibs on the team. Dibs.

You can't call dibs on the team.

- You sure? - Grif!

Alright, whatever!

I didn't wanna be leader anyway.

Sup guys? Tucker here.

Uh speech speech.

Oh! So, I've always said that I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Lookin' at you, Jensen.

Me?

Yeah, tell your volleyball friend I said that. Anyways-

- Please, God.

Tell me you guys haven't been standing around

talking all morning.

Alright, look, you want the truth?

I don't want to be your leader.

Being a leader totally sucks.

It's hard work and you have to put up with people you hate.

But I want to get my friends back,

and seeing as that's our mission,

I will deal with whatever bullshit

I have to do to make it happen.

And if I was holding a mic,

this would be the part where I drop it.

I vote for Tucker.

Yeah, I vote for Tucker.

- Me too. - Yeah.

Congratulations, Tucker. You got the job that you hate.

Yeah! Great! Yay, happy for you!

So did you guys want to start training at some point,

or, sorry, would you prefer to keep dicking around?

Because by all means,

I could watch this train wreck all day.

Really, it's like the Hindenburg footage. You ever see that?

Just absolutely breathtaking.

Until you realize everyone's screwed.

- Eureka! - Is it working?

Hello? Can you hear me?

- Yes! Jesus! What's the point of this again?

This is going to make you all better fighters!

Tell 'em, Simmons.

Jensen and I have installed capture software

into all of our helmets,

allowing us to transmit what we see on the battlefield

to a local server.

Wait, do they only record on the battlefield

or are they recording all the time?

All the time, duh!

Eh, I dunno how I feel about that.

Dude, it's fine.

But what if it records me doing something embarrassing?

Like looking at Jensen's butt or something?

Excuse me?

Just don't look at Jensen's butt, Palomo.

Well now I'm way more aware of her butt than usual

and it's throwing me off!

- Palomo!

- Yeah, I'm just gonna look at the ceiling.

I still don't get how this

is supposed to make us any better.

It's like this. Sometimes you're with a lady, right?

And she wants to spice things up,

so you're like "Boom. Video camera."

And she's into it, so then you're like "Aww yea".

But then what's even better is that later, you can go back

and look at those tapes

and figure out what was really working,

and what you can do better!

So it's like football coaches reviewing clips of past games.

Sure, I mean, if you're into football coaches

and that works better for you, I guess.

No judgements.

Alright, we're good to go.

You set up the training weapons?

I told someone else to set up the training weapons.

- You'd make a great manager. - I've said it for years.

Sorry, I meant terrible. You'd make a terrible manager.

Whatever.

You say tomato, I order a subordinate to say tomatoh.

Okay, so our mission today

will be to disarm and apprehend an enemy soldier.

Take out one guy? That's doable.

- The soldier is Felix.

Uh, what?

If we can take out the best fighter in the New Republic,

I'd say we stand a pretty good chance

against any of those Feds.

Yeah, I don't agree to this.

You don't have to! Just do what you'd normally do.

But know that you'll have a giant bulls-eye

painted across your back.

Alright, fine. Bring it on tough guy.

I will!

And when we capture you, you're gonna tell Kimball

that we're approved for the mission!

Fine!

Good!

Great!

So are you just gonna stand there, or?

No, I was sticking my tongue out at you, but...

I guess I'm wearing a helmet so...

Shut up.

We got this.

Thanks for joining us everyone.

Private Ganoosh and I were given the task of editing down

all of the footage from your training session.

We took what we believed to be some of the more

eye-opening moments from today's events

in hopes that they might help you strategize in the future.

Like a highlight reel?

- Like a reel. - Why don't we get started?

Hey guys! Welcome to my helmet cam.

Uh, today we're going to be trying to take down Felix,

so let's see how it goes!

Could be bad. Could be good. Could be in the middle!

- Who are you talking to?

Uh, the audience.

- What audience? We're recording this for ourselves!

You're the audience!

Oh yeah. Hi me!

- Hi Palomo!

Could we skip this part?

Sure. Not like we worked hard on this or anything.

- Huh? Huh?

- Okay, Felix is right over there.

- Bitters, hand me a flash-bang.

Oh, right. About that.

Hurry up! He's getting away!

- I don't have any. - I told you to grab them!

Yeah, I wasn't really listening.

What?

World's worst manager.

- Let's not argue semantics, Simmons!

- That's not what that word means.

Does anybody have a fucking grenade?

- I gave mine to Caboose. - You what?

Fire in the hole.

(people chattering)

(laughing)

- Fucking idiot.

- I could watching this for hours!

- Jesus Christ, how long is this video?

Hours. I just fucking said it, pay attention.

Does it get any better?

Define better.

- Come on, let's go. - Go where?

To try this again.

- This is gonna be good. - I'll make some popcorn.

Oh god.

Feel the burn.

What if I am too good-looking? I mean, it's possible-

No fair.

He's holding a training-gun, right?

- Yes sir.

- Well, that's good to know.

(laughing)

What a dope!

Ha! Ha-ha! Yeah, I don't get it.

- 33, 34, 35.

- 36, 37, 38, 39.

Surprise mother fucker! (screaming)

Target sighted. Heading towards--

Achoo!

Uh anyone else have eyes on target?

- Negative. - Uh, no.

- Yeah, I got nothin'.

(laughing)

Looking at the ceiling!

Hey, Felix!

Catch!

One Mississippi two Mississippi.

- Oh no.

- Three Mississippi, four Mississippi.

- No, no, no, no!

At what point did you think I knew what that meant?

Ah, shit.

(laughing)

Okay, that was actually kind of funny.

Hey!

You know I have to admit,

I've never seen these guys laugh so much before.

Why are you being so hard on us?

Come again?

All we need is a green-light from you,

and Kimball lets us save our friends.

So why the hell can't you just lighten up for once?

Because you will die!

You know, for people who have done so much,

you really are just a bunch of idiots, aren't you?

That's what we said from the start!

So then why are you still

trying to be something you're not?

Felix!

Whether you go or not is ultimately up to her,

but risking the lives of more people?

That's on you.

I thought you didn't care about losing people.

- I don't. But you do.

We need to talk.

Can it not be as depressing

as the talk we're having right now?

- Well, I can't make any promises.

I like to come down here when I need to think.

It's peaceful.

- It's really glowy.

That's the algae. Don't touch it. It's radioactive.

Oh. Tranquil.

Tucker, I'd like to apologize for Felix's behavior.

He was out of line.

- Yeah, he's kind of an asshole.

- He's just worried.

Right.

I could really feel his concern

when he dislocated my shoulder yesterday.

He puts on a tough-guy act,

but deep down I know he cares about you guys.

Kimball, I hate to break it to you,

but the dude doesn't give a shit about any of this.

He's just in it for the money.

- It's more complicated than that.

- Oh.

- Are you banging? - Jesus, no!

Just saying, guy does stuff for money.

We are not banging.

So you're single?

Felix may not be fighting for the same reasons we are,

but he has more than enough motivation to win this war.

What do you mean?

Things weren't always this bad,

the tides have turned time and time again.

We've come so close to victory,

only to be pushed back to the brink of defeat.

But whenever things looked their worst...

Felix was there with vehicles, or weapons,

or even just a plan of attack.

I never wanted to be a soldier, Tucker. None of us did.

But Felix? He chose this lifestyle.

And he chose it because he's good at it.

You know, for his boss, you really make it sound

like you need him more than he needs you.

Well, I wasn't always his boss,

he was in this fight before I was even an officer.

What?

Tucker I am the fourth person to lead the New Republic.

And I repeat. What?

Our first leader was killed in action.

The second was assassinated

at what we had been told would be a peace treaty.

And the third was blown out of the sky

while trying to leave Chorus for help.

- What are you doing?

- Call me crazy, but I suddenly don't feel

as safe around you.

I guess my position does have a pretty quick turnover.

- Okay, now you're talking my language!

Touch me and you'll sink to the bottom of this lake.

- No touching! - That's what I thought.

So Felix has been on the rebels' payroll for a long time.

What makes you think he won't just up and leave

whenever he's made enough money?

I know I would!

I mean if I wasn't so invested in your cause.

Like I said, Felix has more than enough motivation

to win this war.

The thing that keeps him fighting?

It's the same thing that's kept us from victory

for so long, it's what took your friends.

It's Locus.

What?

- Men! Front and center on the double!

Something wrong, sir?

Oh, you'd better believe something's wrong, Private Smith!

- Wait, I thought we were Lieutenants.

- I'm a private!

Lieutenant, private, whatever! Just listen to your captain!

I thought Tucker was our captain.

No, Tucker's our leader. I think Grif's still a captain.

Are we still lieutenants?

- I don't see why not.

- Is this the line for the bathroom?

Listen to your captain!

- Okay, I'll bite. What's going on?

We have had a major breach in security, Simmons!

A major fucking breach!

- We have?

Someone from this squad has stolen from my very secret,

and very personal food stash!

Oh right. God help us if you only had nine meals a day.

Oh, this wasn't just petty theft, Simmons, this was murder!

I didn't do it!

Now we all agreed that it was the tank's fault... What?

A Little Debbie Jelly Cream Pie

I'd been saving for emergencies

is now missing and presumed eaten!

No! I don't believe it!

Neither can I!

You've knowingly had food within arm's reach

and haven't eaten it yet?

I have been hiding it since basic training, Simmons!

Wait but that would mean it was years old.

How many years?

Let's not get into specifics. Let's just say it's old.

- And still so young...

That's disgusting.

I know. But we're about to find the sick son of a bitch.

Don't you worry about that.

Yeah, he's probably got indigestion.

And even though we all blame the tank,

kinda feel like Church

had a little something to do with it too.

You see, only one man in this squad

knew about my food locker...

he'd seen it after every training mission

I gave him while he was in my squad.

After every single raid on the mess hall,

he reported back to me...

and I thought I could trust him...

but it turns out I was wrong.

Isn't that right, Bitters?

Well? What do you have to say for yourself?

- I think my stomach is dying.

Damnit, Bitters, I thought you were cool!

But it turns out you're nothing but a lazy,

good for nothing, dirtbag!

- Hey, leave him alone!

Shut it Simmons!

Simmons?

Oh. Wait. I mean.

- Grif, you're starting to sound like Sarge.

What the? Simmons? What's happening to me?

I think you're having a mental breakdown!

Yeah, those are my favorite kind.

Being thrust into a position of power

must be putting too much stress on your brain!

Now it's defaulting to what you subconsciously perceive

to be the symbol of leadership! Sarge!

That's not true! That's impossible!

- No! - Do you guys have any idea

what's going on on here?

- Not in the slightest.

- I think I'm gonna vomit.

- Oh god, I'm gonna hurl!

- Gross!

- Don't let me drown in my helmet!

What does Locus have to do with any of this?

When the Federal Army heard we had hired

a mercenary to help our side,

they decided to do the same...

but they didn't just find any contract killer,

they found Felix's oldest rival.

His ex-partner, Locus.

So you're telling me Felix used to be friends

with that psycho?

Not exactly.

They fought together in the Great War and their squad

saw one of the worst battles in UNSC history.

Felix and Locus never got along,

they fought over everything,

but considering what they were up against,

they banded together, and they survived.

But surviving isn't always enough.

When the war was over, many soldiers had a difficult time

returning to civilian life

and some of them weren't able to return at all.

Felix and Locus were always competitive,

but when Locus signed up with the Feds,

I think Felix took it as a final challenge.

- Final challenge?

Locus knew that his mission

would mean killing his former ally.

But he took it anyway.

Either the money was just too good, or Locus wanted to know,

once and for all, which of them was better.

We all have our reasons for fighting, Tucker,

and I know that yours are your friends.

Your five days are almost up and I don't know

when we're going to get another chance like this.

You know, I think I respond better

to positive reinforcement.

I'm just saying you should make the most

out of the time you have left.

Your squad may be improving slowly,

but they're improving nonetheless.

You just need to keep trying.

Right, because that's been working so well.

Feel free to come by my office

if you ever need anything, Tucker.

Fun's over, Tucker's back.

Tucker! Tucker come here, tell me I'm cool!

Tell me I'm lazy and I don't play by the rules!

- What?

- I don't want a southern accent.

- Y'ar! Drop and give me booty!

- We're dealing with some issues.

Well hurry up and get over it.

I need you guys to meet me at the bunks in minutes.

Why? What's going on?

We're leaving.

What do you mean "leaving"? Where are we going?

Ooh! Is it the park?

Oh, I know! It's the beach!

Wait a minute, you're not taking me to the vet, are you?

No.

We're going to break into that compound

and bust out our friends.

But we still have some time left to train the squad.

Why would we leave now?

Because the squad's not coming with us.

Are they going in a separate car?

- No. - Ah, so they're flying.

I have an extra bag to check,

is that going to be a problem?

Because-

No, Caboose, we're going on this mission alone!

- Alone with the squad. Got it.

- Why would we do that?

I dunno if you guys have noticed,

but our super-elite team sucks.

There's no way they'll be able to pull off a rescue mission.

We don't know that! Kimball could still pass us!

I'm not talking about passing,

I'm talking about our trainees blowing up,

or getting shot, or disintegrated or something!

Oh. Yeah, that's a problem.

Look, Felix was right...

We're just gonna end up getting more people killed.

So, you're saying that we should

just get ourselves killed instead.

Hey, we've done crazier things than this!

Remember that time we fought, like,

a bajillion hundred robots?

We didn't fuck that up!

We had Church.

Okay, well what about CT? Or the Meta?

We got lucky!

Bullshit.

Now maybe we can't teach a bunch of people how to fight,

but the four of us can totally pull this off.

We're not gonna get another chance like this.

We just gotta go in and get our guys back.

After that, Wash will know what to do.

But even Felix couldn't break into this place!

We're not Felix! Felix is smart.

The Feds won't be expecting dumb.

- Hey, who are you calling dumb?

- Shut up.

No, Simmons, I was asking for some clarification.

I'm a little lost.

Look, we keep trying to strategize,

and use code names, and act like real soldiers,

but we're not!

We haven't been from the beginning,

so why are we trying now?

I say we just get in there and do what we do best!

Uh, which is?

I have no idea!

But whatever it is, it's worked for us before.

That's your plan? We just show up and wing it?

- That's the worst plan I've ever!

- Alright. Let's do it.

What? Grif? You want to do this?

Yeah. So what?

So what? You never want to do anything ever!

Simmons, I've been following orders I never liked for years.

No you haven't. You disobey orders all the time!

Well I don't want to be the guy

that gives shitty orders nobody wants to follow!

I will not become a Sarge, damnit!

There's no way I'm making a bunch of stupid rebels

get shot for something I want.

So yeah, whatever, let's just do it.

That's the most selfless thing you've ever said.

- But I wanna steal more food before we go.

- Okay, that's more like it.

Yay mission!

- Simmons? - How are we getting there?

Haha, yes! Okay I snuck into Kimball's office

and grabbed all the data I took from the Feds' lab.

We've got a map that will lead us straight to them.

All we need is a ride.

- Vehicle bay's got plenty of warthogs, I guess.

- And I can drive a tank!

- No!

- Well, you're all just jealous.

Wait, what about the rebels?

I don't think they'll be happy

with us just leaving like this.

Hey Matthews, have you seen the Reds and Blues around?

We can't find 'em.

No but that might explain why two of our jeeps are missing.

- Hello everyone.

If you're listening to this, it means we're already gone.

- Look, it's not you, it's us.

- Tell them not to leave the lights on!

- Caboose! Not now!

- I miss you already! I promise we'll call!

Damnit, Tucker.

- They just left us? - Who left us?

Oh, no.

Okay, the ability to fly north.

- Ehh, I dunno. - What do you mean?

That's a great terrible super power!

Yeah, but you can still fly.

You can only fly north! It's so inconvenient!

Once you land, you've got to walk

to wherever you were going!

I guess so.

Okay, what about the ability to teleport one foot at a time?

Meh.

You're meh. This road trip sucks.

Hello? Anybody home?

We've got some cars that need fuel!

We would also like to purchase some lottery tickets!

Yeah, I know the odds, but I still think it's fun.

- This place looks deserted. - Woohoo! Let's loot!

I've always wanted my own slurpie machine.

- Oh dude, let me know if they've got any magazines.

- Me too! Ones with pictures!

- Specifically ones with pictures. Ya know what I'm sayin.

What was that?

Maybe it's the owners?

Aw man.

Can't we just pretend they're not here and loot anyway?

Hey Caboose, go tell 'em they've got customers.

You guys start filling up the cars.

- Do it yourself. I'm gonna take a leak.

Alright, but be sure to get my lottery ticket.

My numbers are five, seven, don't forget them.

I know I said a bunch of inspirational

crap back at the base, but it's times like these

when I really wonder how we haven't been killed yet.

You know?

The power to turn into the Hulk,

but only when you're asleep.

Hello? Just here to use the bathroom!

Also, somebody emptied out your slurpie machine!

Might wanna get that filled!

Man, what kind of gas station doesn't have hot dogs?

Ugh! Jesus! It smells like somebody died in here!

Ba da da da, da ba, ba-da-da-da.

Da ba da ba da ba da ba.

- May arrive without warning.

- Do not disappoint me. - Understood, Control.

Oh! I think I hear the sound of new friends...

Hello-

Tucker! Perfect!

You can help me and my friends

come up with a secret high-five!

- So what's the word?

Control says to give it 30 more minutes.

- Ugh! This is a waste of time.

- Agreed.

- Who are these guys?

- Definitely not the gas station attendants.

- Wow, Tucker. I can really see why you're the leader.

- Up yours.

Quiet, I can't hear what they're saying.

You know what they say, orders are orders.

- Jackson.

- Yes Locus.

- Change of plans. Report back to base immediately.

The Reds and Blues will be requiring an escort.

Understood.

You heard him. Grab the gear and prep for evac.

Where are they going?

Tucker wait!

They just vanished.

- Vanished?

- They said something about Reds and Blues.

Oh my god I know those colors! They're us!

They were Feds, I heard one of them mention "Locus".

Well they didn't look like the typical storm-trooper guys.

You think they were special ops?

I think we should get to that base as fast as possible.

Come on, let's go.

- Missed.

Missed.

- Missed. - Palomo? I know when miss.

- Are you missing on purpose?

- Alright, that's it.

- Ow! Ow! It was a legitimate question.

Well, I spoke with Kimball.

Search and rescue has been denied.

- Yeah, well, good riddance.

They never cared about us anyway.

How can you say that?

They left because they didn't want us getting hurt.

Yeah, well what do you call this?

They didn't take us to get shot,

but they sure as hell left us to die.

We don't know that, they could come back!

Their message didn't exactly specify.

- They'll come back.

I know they'll come back.

- Nice shot. - Wasn't me.

You shouldn't be so hard on the guys.

They did what they thought was best,

can't fault 'em for that.

Still, I'm going to beat the living shit

out of those four when I find 'em.

- When you find them?

Tell Kimball I'm buying back one of the warthogs I sold her.

But Felix, she said we weren't allowed to go after them!

It was a direct order!

- Orders only work on soldiers.

I am a mercenary.

This is it.

According to our data, the Federal Army base

is just on the other side of this wall.

About time!

My ass was asleep for so long

I thought it slipped into a coma.

- So we're here. Now what?

- We bust our way in!

- Anyone have any ideas?

- We could try scaling the wall.

- Eh, that's a little too obvious. Think dumber.

- We could knock on their door.

- Too dumb.

- I was joking.

- We could knock on their door.

- I just said that!

Yeah, but you were joking.

I felt the plan deserved more serious consideration.

How do you break into an evil, ice fortress?

You melt it! Like evil ice cream.

Holy shit.

We melt our way in!

- Wait, what? Yes! I win! - What.

We can't go through the wall,

and going over it is what most people would do,

so let's just go under it!

- That's retarded. - Exactly!

Damn. I never thought I'd say this, I mean, ever,

seriously, but, good job, Caboose.

I'm just glad someone appreciates my genius.

Now let's start melting!

Caboose, you're wearing a helmet. That's not doing anything.

Okay well then fine,

how do you explain my sudden light-headedness.

What about friction?

All the ladies tell me I light a fire between their legs!

That's chlamydia.

Friction won't work.

It's gotta be negative degrees Celsius out here!

That's negative degrees Fahrenheit.

- Jesus, that's cold! - That's freezing!

- You people are idiots.

- Well say it in American next time.

- Oh! I've got it!

Stab!

Is it working?

Ah! It worked!

- Where are we? - Hey!

- What was that noise?

- Oh shit, we're inside! - I think bad guys are coming!

- What do we do? What do we do?

- I don't know! I didn't think this far ahead!

Damnit, this is why winging it is a bad idea!

No more winging it!

I swear, I heard something just around the corner!

- Let's get out of here!

- There could be more guards! We'll be caught!

Well, we gotta do something!

Just a few more feet and I'll be there!

Tucker!

What the?

Huh.

Well would you look at that!

Just a couple of harmless snowmen!

You guys wouldn't happen to be the ones

making all that racket now, would ya?

Well, time for some target practice!

Hurk!

But, why, Snowman?

I cannot believe that worked.

- You're welcome. - How did you do that?

I used the same trick to hide from Sarge

all the time back in Blood Gulch.

You constructed and then hid inside of

a snowman in the middle of a hot canyon?

Hey Sarge, I found him!

It wasn't always the perfect plan.

According to our intel, there's not much standing between

the end of this tunnel and the detention facility.

That's awesome!

No, I mean...

There's literally nothing between us.

We'll spotted as soon as we leave the tunnel!

I dunno. Doesn't look like anyone's around to me.

(horn blaring)

Alright, lunch break's over. Back to your stations, people.

- Come on, maggots. Get the lead out, move move move!

(soldiers grunting)

Whooo! Brand new tank, comin' in!

- This will kill any intruders for sure!

- I hate my stupid mouth. - I hate it more.

- How are we gonna sneak past that?

- We're not.

Glad to hear you're finally making sense, Tucker!

Let's go home. Good effort, everybody!

We came, we saw, we realized it was impossible!

No shame in that.

Can't help but realize we haven't left yet.

We can't sneak past those guys, so instead

we're going to make as much noise as possible.

If we can cause enough trouble somewhere else,

we can draw them away from the prison.

What do you guys think?

Well, it fits with the "dumb ideas" theme.

I figure if we fuck up these important looking pipes

and then haul ass,

we can make it into the building.

Ugh, we have to run?

We have to try.

Worst-case scenario, we end up in jail with everyone else

and just wait for this whole civil-war thing to blow over.

I think worse case scenario is getting shot.

Or Grif getting shot and we have to carry him.

There's only three of us.

Fuck it. Caboose, do your thing.

Time to clean the pipes!

Alert, catastrophic breach detected

in sewage pipeline sector three.

Sucks to be maintenance.

Warning. Sewage breach detected in the barracks.

- Oh shit, my stuff! - Oh, no no no!

- Now's our chance! Run! - Here goes nothing!

- Let's race!

Come on guys, we've gotta save our shit!

(people chattering) ]

Jesus Christ, last night it was Taco Night!

Yay! First place!

- Oh my god. I'm gonna die.

I hope I die.

Simmons, do something about this door!

- What do you mean? - It's locked!

Hack the door controls or something!

What makes you think I can just hack a door?

You're the smart one!

All you're good for is hacking things

and making me look more handsome in comparison!

I don't have any intel! I don't have any tools!

I can't just do it, I need time!

We don't have time, genius!

Just pretend like it's a timed math test or something!

I don't work well under pressure! You know that!

Oh shit.

Tucker?

Wash?

What in Sam Hell are you boys doing here?

- We came to save you!

- But we were supposed to save you.

♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪

- Cliffhanger!

I repeat, we have three survivors

in need of immediate assistance.

Make sure the docs are ready.

- He really did a number on 'em this time.

- Sarge?

- He's not dead, not yet. - No.

I warned you, Agent Washington.

I gave you a choice and you chose to fight.

I admire that decision.

Fuck you monster.

No, I'm not a monster...

I'm a soldier.

Like you.

- Well, hello, Agent Washington.

Project Freelancer?

- Agent Washington? - Huh?

So you would say that you have overwhelming feelings

of anger and a need for revenge?

- More than you know. - What?

Wait, wait!

- Why did you do that? What's wrong with you?

No, I was just.

- I was just following orders.

I was just following orders.

- You shot him!

What?

You shot him! You shot Donut!

No! I just, I did what I had to do!

Don't we all?

(gunshot fires)

- Agent Washington.

Agent Washington! Agent Washington!

- Oh! Well, that was close!

- Dirtbags!

Each and every one of 'em!

The soldiers? Dirtbags!

The medics? Dirtbags!

That good-for-nothin' mercenary

who shoots a man when he ain't even lookin'?

You best believe he's a numero-uno dirtbag!

And you!

You know what you are?

Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me, Sarge!

- Shut up, Donut! - But I was gonna say dirtbag!

What? Doh, for the love of...

Now you've gone and given away the answer

to my rhetorical question!

I have an idea! Let's play the quiet game!

- Oh. It. Is. On.

Great Monopoly's top hat, Wash,

now is not the time for games!

Now is the time for action!

C'mon, help me get outta these cuffs!

There's a certain someone in this room

that I feel like bludgeoning to death.

- Just use your feet Sarge.

If he fights back, I'll beat him off of you.

- You're not thinkin', Donut.

That would just alert more guards!

- Well if I can't beat off a room full of dudes,

what have I been training for this whole time?

- I would really like to play the quiet game. Please.

- Officer on deck!

Agent Washington, Franklin Donut, Sarge.

I am so sorry!

Say what now?

Guard! Un-cuff these men at once!

And return their weaponry for god's sake!

- Yes sir!

Really sorry about this, sir.

I'd appreciate it if you decided

not to bludgeon me to death.

- Uhh I suppose I could settle for near-death.

Goodbye handcuffs!

Aw wait, I didn't even get to use my safe word.

It's "chrysanthemum."

- Okay, wait stop. Stop!

What is it, Agent Washington?

What is it? What is it?

First you send men to kill us,

then you send men to capture us, and now that we're here

you're giving us guns and saying you're sorry?

Um is that a problem?

- Only for you if you don't- - Oh dear!

What a weenie.

I don't understand. None of this makes any sense.

- Now just take it easy for the rest of the day.

Remember, you're no good to me dead, although I suppose

I could run some experiments on your body.

Erm, thank you, Emily. Your help is always appreciated.

Anytime, General Doyle!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have limbs to amputate!

Of course.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have nothing

but apologies for you today!

Must be the thin air up here!

I've been doing a lot of traveling lately

and my body is still adjusting to the-

- Doyle, right?

Oh. Well, yes! Very observant!

General Donald Doyle of the Federal Army of Chorus,

at your service.

- At our service? - Full service?

Okay, General, let me catch you up to speed

on what the past few days have been like for me.

I've got a canyon full of shipwrecked survivors

all trying to hail a rescue

when a squad of soldiers all wearing your uniform

come down and attack us with their leader.

A big, black-suited, son of a bitch

who goes by the name "Locus".

Then once he leaves, I've got another guy named Felix

telling me you and yours have been terrorizing this planet,

and to top it all off, that we're wanted men

for crashing on it in the first place!

So please, if you could do your best

to convince me not to kill you this very second,

that would really benefit the both of us!

- Uh. Yeah!

Yes. I see.

None of this happened they way that it should have.

Tell me, how much do you know about the New Republic?

They don't try and kill us, for starters.

A noteworthy quality, yes,

but what else do you know about them?

They're rebels fighting to overthrow a corrupt leadership.

They heard our distress call and hoped we could help.

And you heard all of this from a mercenary,

hired to assist them at all costs?

A bit of a biased source, don't you think?

These "rebels" aren't looking to free this planet

their aim is to dominate it.

They were given ample opportunities to move,

to form their own society somewhere else on Chorus.

It is a large planet, I can assure you, but no.

They are determined to "take back what is theirs".

I'll admit, times were hard.

But as a planet cut off from the rest of the galaxy,

we did our best to govern the people.

But it wasn't enough.

Suddenly buildings were exploding,

there were riots in the streets,

complete and utter panic, everywhere!

These were not acts of freedom, they were acts of terrorism!

And we could not risk warriors of your caliber

allying with them.

So you send your men to kill us?

Absolutely not!

I've got a few cracked ribs that beg to differ.

And a hip bone that strongly disagrees!

Again, I must apologize.

The way this was handled was not at all what I had wanted!

Upon hearing of your arrival on Chrous,

I ordered Locus to confirm his findings

and bring you to us as soon as possible,

unfortunately, it appears as though

I should have been more specific

in the exact method of your acquisition.

So what, this was all your mercenary's fault?

You expect me to believe that the general of an army

can't control his own men?

You're mistaken in assuming I have any control

over Locus whatsoever, he is a dog that has long since

broken from his leash, but we need him.

As I'm sure you've already observed

I am not a battle-worn soldier,

ripe with military expertise.

On the contrary, I was simply next in line to run the army

should something happen to its leader.

What do you mean? Lieutenant General? Major General?

Um, Personal Secretary to the Brigadier?

- What?

- Where'd all the other guys go?

Some of them left

before things took a turn for the worst, but...

most of them were killed.

Yes, definitely they were killed.

Not many of us left, these days, I'm afraid.

But you're supposed to be the evil empire!

With giant warships and floating space lasers,

not camping out in the snow!

That stuff's for rebels!

And the sadly endangered polar bear.

Well, we are doing significantly better than before!

We still have multiple bases of operation

and Locus has managed to acquire

top-notch military equipment.

He even helped to strategize

some of our more recent victories!

Though I would not consider your rescue to be one of them.

I also wouldn't consider it to be a "rescue".

Well I can assure you that he was punished severely

for taking such drastic measures against you!

I made sure he wasn't paid a single penny for the job!

How comforting.

Gentlemen, I am fully aware

that I may never gain your trust,

but let me be perfectly clear: We are not your enemy.

The New Republic has your men, and I can promise you

they are likely recruiting them

into their rebellion as we speak.

Now I can inform my troops not to attack them,

but I cannot stop them from defending themselves.

I'm also unable to promise you a safe escape

from Chorus in the middle of this conflict.

Most of our ships are shot down

before they can escape the atmosphere.

So what can you promise us?

If you can help us defeat these terrorists,

it would not only save our planet,

it would also save your comrades.

Then, once the skies are clear,

you could leave this forsaken planet once and for all.

I don't like it, but I'm not really seeing another way out.

Unless beating you unconscious would somehow work.

Haha, highly doubtful.

- Drat. Then I guess I'm in.

- No man left behind, right?

- I still have one question for you, general.

Which is?

Where are our robots?

- Alright! Fixed up and ready to go!

Bienvenidos robo-buddy!

You're back in the world of the living!

Viva, well, viva.

- No need to thank us, son.

We have got a lot of catching up to do!

Now what about Freckles?

Uh what's a Freckles?

- Agent Washington is referring

to a Mantis-Class Military Assault Droid.

And you won't find it among this wreckage.

Heh. I'll, uh, just look somewhere else then!

- Locus.

The droid was malfunctioning.

It refused to surrender and was therefore destroyed.

He's dead?

It was a machine. It had no life to begin with.

You know it takes an awful lotta nerve

to come strollin' in here after what you did.

Does my presence upset you, Sergeant?

It gives me an itchy trigger finger, I can tell ya that.

What do you want?

Aside from my initial examination, the men under my command

were ordered to take you alive.

All attacks were intended to wound,

all shots were designed to intimidate, let me assure you,

my raid on your base was calculated, choreographed,

and designed to apprehend you,

like herding sheep to the pen.

Were it not for the intervention of the mercenary

and his forces, I would have succeeded entirely.

And what? That's supposed to make us feel better?

Because quite honestly it's having the opposite effect.

It's supposed to make you understand.

- Agent Washington, I am a professional.

I follow orders and I complete my missions at all costs.

I don't care what you think you are.

You just stay the hell away from me and my men.

You still don't understand.

Or perhaps, you do.

- What?

- Excuse me!

If someone tells you to leave them alone,

you leave them alone.

Of course, Doctor.

Here.

- What is this?

- Before your droid was dismantled, I had a technician

remove its primary storage unit.

Its heart and mind so to speak.

- Is this supposed to be some sort of apology?

- Is it?

This guy doesn't make any sense.

I am not.

You give meaning to meaningless objects

and meaningless people,

then risk your own lives to protect them.

Where is the sense in that?

I look forward to your answer, soldier.

Sorry about that.

I promise the rest of us aren't like him. I'm Dr. Grey.

- Oooh! A doctor!

That's like a medic who saves people!

- You a civilian, little lady?

Civilian?

(laughing)

Oh, I don't think you realize how bad this planet's gotten!

The only people

who aren't wearing armor these days are dead!

I know you, your voice.

Is that so? Oh!

Well, I performed surgery on you

after they brought you here!

Sorry if you find a few new scars.

A shot from a concussion rifle isn't bad, but a severe

injury to the back of the skull can be a little tricky,

especially when your head's

already filled with pretty little wires and chips!

Hope I didn't damage those neural implants.

I'm sure they're fine. Thank you.

You can thank me by ending this war as soon as possible!

Bullet wounds and prosthetic limbs have become so boring.

So, come by my office tomorrow morning for a check up!

Once you're cleared, you three'll be shipping off.

- Shipping off? - Where are we going?

I don't give people orders, boys,

I just fix them when they break!

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back.

Tomorrow morning. My office 0800.

Well, what do you fellas think?

I think she's nice.

Not the doc, Donut! The army! The general! The whole dealio!

Grif and Simmons are out there with the Blues!

Alone, confused!

Probably eating and complaining and back-talking-

God damnit Grif, just shut up already!

We do what we have to and go along with it for now.

I just hope the others aren't in too deep without us.

Okay, hold up.

You're telling me the Feds are just as hopeless

as the New Republic? I thought they were evil!

Well we thought you were being brainwashed by terrorists!

Terrorists? Our soldiers are a bunch of harmless morons.

Your soldiers?

We were all promoted to Captains.

They gave us squads and everything!

- Blue Team for life.

Clearly our enemy isn't as cunning as we once thought.

We don't have an enemy.

As far as I can tell, both of these forces

have reasons to fight,

and neither are particularly guilt-free.

We've just been caught in the middle.

But the rebels aren't bad. Some of them are our friends!

And we managed to make a few allies within the Federal Army.

None of this makes either side any better.

The New Republic started this war

with extremist attacks on the capital.

Only because the government was screwing them!

- You gotta admit, sounds kind of like a dick move.

We need to get these two sides to talk to one another.

Doyle's in the capital at the moment,

but maybe he can get this Kimball woman

to agree to a meeting.

If they can come to some sort of understanding,

we might be able to end this thing and go home.

This isn't right.

Believe me, there's plenty wrong with this situation,

but I think this is our best move...

I'm just glad you guys made it.

No seriously, I mean something doesn't feel right.

I just can't figure out what it is.

Is it a false sense of superiority?

That's probably a side-effect of the false promotion.

Minutes after reuniting and you're already starting shit.

What did you expect? Breakfast in bed?

- I hate you. - I hate you more.

Wait do you hear that?

Uhh no?

You okay, Simmons?

What happened to the alarms?

Is it lunch time again?

- Hello?

Dr. Gray?

Anybody?

Dude, what's going on?

I don't know.

- Enemy contact! Fall back!

- Where'd he go?

- Sarge! - Way ahead of ya!

- What's happening? - We're under attack!

Donut! Establish a perimeter!

Got it!

Hey, just so you guys know, you better not come over here!

Thank god! Sir, you've gotta help us!

They came out of nowhere!

Who, the rebels?

No!

Oh, good.

'Cause we kinda just found out

they're not really all that bad.

Boy, have we got a story to tell you!

And you are gonna laugh!

It's not the rebels, sir! It's!

- Umm.

Did everyone else see that?

You mean a man disintegrate right in front of us?

- Yep.

- Really wish I hadn't.

Oh dear!

- We gotta do something!

- We can run! Running is something!

Get away from the car!

What are we dealing with?

- We dunno!

Well it ain't the rebels, that's for sure!

Then who the hell is it?

- Like sheep to the pen.

Oh no.

You're ready for slaughter.

Locus!

I advise you stand down, boy.

The soldiers from the fueling station?

- I thought they were Feds!

Those ain't our guys.

I told you, Agent Washington. I am a professional.

I complete my missions at all costs.

But you and your comrades have put a blemish on my record.

This is unacceptable.

What are you talking about?

You just killed the men you're working for!

Hmmm. It appears you don't understand after all.

Unfortunate.

You were such a fascinating soldier,

Agent Washington.

Huh?

Tucker! Grenade!

Oh, right!

That was close! Nice throw, Tucker. (laughing)

Felix?

How many times have I jumped

in front of a bullet for you, Wash? Three?

Those are some pretty great reflexes, huh?

Most people would have to plan that sort of thing.

Felix? What are you doing?

Just helping out an old acquaintance.

- They fought together in the great war...

You missed a spot.

Are you done?

Not even close.

- Dude!

- This doesn't make sense! That's Locus! Your enemy!

Right, and I'm the charismatic mercenary

with a gruff exterior but a heart of gold!

A little too romantic, don't you think?

But the guy fucking shot you!

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Yeah, funny how an act of sacrifice like that

buys you so much trust.

And so much information.

Weren't you with another Freelancer? And an A.I.?

I need a detailed list of the supplies you've got on hand.

You wouldn't happen to have any hight-tech armor

aboard that wreck, would ya?

But you're supposed to hate each other!

Oh, we do.

After all, you should never mix friends with business.

Wrap it up.

But we just work so well together.

- Run! - What about Rogers?

Get down!

You dirty liar!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I never actually lied to you idiots.

Well, except for once.

"You're some of the galaxy's greatest soldiers!"

Now that couldn't be farther from the truth.

But you know, it did make you the perfect candidates

to lead the people of Chorus.

Stop boasting and let me kill them. We have a job to do.

Ooh, that's right. He doesn't like you guys.

Actually thinks there might be a few fighters among ya!

Told you he's crazy.

But why? Why the capture? Why make us part of this war?

Well you see-

Felix.

No. I've had to put up with these morons every day,

so you let me have this!

You see, someone, somewhere, out in our galaxy

has their eyes set on this planet, the only problem

is the inhabitants.

Now if it were up to me,

I'd just nuke this place from orbit,

but our employer has other ideas.

Holy shit, it's actually them.

Back off. Control wants them alive.

Oh no....

We have to play this thing carefully, you understand?

If an entire planet dies overnight, people ask questions.

But if you stumble onto this rock

and find that the settlers killed each other...

Well, that's just a tragedy.

Our first leader was killed in action.

The second was assassinated

at what we had been told would be a peace treaty.

And the third was blown out of the sky while trying to

leave Chorus for help.

It was you. You started this war!

Wrong!

These people hated each other

way before our operation ever showed up.

We just had to keep the hate-train a'going,

and lemme tell ya, you guys have helped so much.

Does it hurt?

Knowing just how much death you've brought to this planet?

Enough!

How many times must I tell you?

If you want to make the victim suffer,

you do it quickly and efficiently.

There will be no rescue for you.

You, you will die here, today, along with the rest.

No one will find your bodies, no one will know the truth,

and no one is going to stop us from killing every last

person on this planet.

- Alright.

That's all I need to hear.

Kill them!

Who the fuck are you?

What is going on?

Just grab it and shoot!

Wash?

You think you're fast?

AH, what the fuck?

- Faster than you.

- Let's change that!

(shouts)

Locus!

Stay close!

Wait! Stop!

Call Control.

Uh, what just happened and why did it hurt?

- Where am I? - I think my insides were

just outside.

- Is everyone okay?

- You know,

I never thought I'd be so glad to see you idiots again.

- Carolina?

- That's not all!

Miss me, assholes?

You fuck!

Huh. Wasn't expecting that.

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping)

(alarm beeping)

(alarm beeping)

(man yelping)

- [Harv] Come in security, this is headquarters.

- Jesus.

Yeah, copy HQ.

You scared the crap out of me, Harv.

- Sorry, Sam.

Hey, meant to tell you,

got a maintenance ticket for your console.

Daysha says it's throwing up warnings.

- Yeah, okay.

Motion sensor says there's movement in the room,

but there's nothing here.

- [Harv] Ah, It's probably it, then.

You know, a bad indicator or something.

Or maybe it's that super soldier

right behind you who's about to knock you out.

- Haha, yeah.

What?

- [Epsilon] Probably that last one.

Just a guess.

Sleep tight, Sam.

You set off the motion sensor, Carolina?

That's amateur hour.

- You're supposed to disable the motion sensors.

- [Epsilon] Well, I couldn't do that

until I got in the room.

- And I couldn't get you into the room

without setting off the motion sensor.

- [Epsilon] Well you could.

You just didn't.

- Can we just get into the database?

I need the files.

- Already in.

Give me a drive.

- [Carolina] How long to decrypt it?

- Oh, please.

Already done.

- Already?

- It's a three tier lockdown with a 2056 bit encryption key.

It ain't rocket science.

- You're getting faster.

- Well, that sounded like a compliment.

I will take it.

- How long to transfer?

- About 45 seconds.

- And you can't make that go any quicker?

- Well, that's the limitation of physical media.

Don't even get me started on that.

Besides, that should give you enough time

to deal with the three security personnel

who are about to come through the door.

- Which door?

- [Epsilon] There's only one door.

They just set a breaching charge, by the way.

- What?

- Detonates in three.

- Why didn't you tell me?

- Two.

I just did.

- Epsilon!

- One, oh, you'll be fine.

(charge explodes)

If 45 seconds was a long time to you, Carolina,

imagine what it is to me.

All right.

What do we have here?

Well, you boys look well armed.

All this for just one girl, huh?

(electronic beeping)

Really?

Model 44s?

Hey, D,

isn't there a high jam probability on those things?

- The Charon Model 44 sidearm does not jam.

You're thinking of the 42.

(high pitched ringing)

- You mean we're thinking of it.

- Technically only you are thinking it.

I am just a memory of Delta.

- Well, I like have someone to talk to you.

I get lonely sometimes.

- May I suggest buying a dog?

- Yeah, I'll consider it.

- We're getting a dog?

- No, Theta.

- Aww.

- The Model 44 does use computer assisted aiming.

You overload the processor

and reduce accuracy by as much as 45%.

- Sounds good.

Put the twins on it.

(electricity buzzes)

(electronic beeping)

- All right, let's account for that in trajectories.

- Are you talking to me or to Delta?

- He's talking to all of us, Theta.

- I'm just thinking out loud, guys.

All right, no, that's good, but we can do better.

(electronic beeping)

- Oh, oh, look at this!

You can use the door as a shield.

- Hey, thanks, buddy.

(clanking)

(electronic beeping)

Yeah, that's better.

- Still, blood loss would be-

- I'm not done yet, Delta.

Just give me a second, okay?

- A second is a long time for someone

in our time base, Church.

- Just everybody stop talking to me at once, please.

- Are you getting angry, Epsilon?

- No, I'm fine.

Beat it.

- [Omega] I'm here if you need me.

- He's scary.

- Hey, he can't do anything as long as we ignore him.

Okay, kiddo?

- Might I suggest prepping her healing unit?

- Nope, I'm gonna need the power for her escape.

- Assume you make it that far.

- D, you are killing me with the negativity.

Why don't you help me out

and give me a bio scan of these losers?

- This one has recently had knee surgery.

- Thank you.

Okay, let's pull the bolts on my maintenance hatch,

give him a little bit of a stumble.

- First shot fired.

- All right, let's wrap this up.

Gamma, where are we at?

- Files still transferring.

- Okay, Carolina, how's your aim?

- She hasn't been sleeping well.

- She's been having bad dreams about the bad guy.

- No, Theta, she's fine.

Don't worry about it.

(electronic beeping)

Delta, she's fine.

- This isn't very scientific.

- Well, sometimes you just have to operate on faith.

- That seems unwise.

- Yep, but it is more fun.

There, that'll do it.

- She won't like that injury part.

- She never does, but if she lives to complain about it,

she still lives.

Thanks, guys.

All right.

Looks like it's just you and me, sis.

Transferring analysis to your hud.

Let's do this.

All right!

(bullets firing)

(screams)

(bullets firing)

- You bitch!

- Epsilon.

Church.

- [Epsilon] Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

I just lost a few pathways, but I can still hear you.

How'd you do?

- Had to improvise at the end, but you got me started.

- [Epsilon] Eh, I had faith.

- Thanks.

Data's here.

Looks like our little scavenger hunt just got easier.

You see this?

- [Epsilon] Yep.

Grab a helmet.

We'll do some repairs on the way.

(alarm beeping)

- [Epsilon] Sorry, there's nothing I can do about that

in this state.

You need to move.

- Already gone.

(alarm beeping)

Apparently our friends in black

aren't just focused on armor enhancements.

These weapons are more advanced

than anything we've encountered.

How are they funding all this?

- Well, speak of the devil

and he shall appear.

- [Carolina] Another message from Control?

- Yep.

I picked out a clip you might find interesting.

- [Control] What did we lose?

- The healing unit as well as several miscellaneous files.

- Sounds like last week's raid made the headlines.

- Keep listening.

There's something you need to hear.

- [Control] This is unacceptable, Locus.

I thought you told me you only worked

with reliable partners.

- I do.

The individual in charge of that outpost

has been eliminated.

I saw to the matter personally.

- [Control] I'm not paying to put bullets

through the heads of space pirates.

I'm paying you to ensure the acquisition of my property.

And when I lose my property, you lose your payment.

- If I could interject for a second,

you're not just paying us to collect

that freelancer tech from the crash.

- Wait, who is that?

- [Control] Felix.

Straying away from the New Republic

to join the conversation for once.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

- Those sim troopers you dumped on us

are proving to be more of a handful than an asset.

If they find where we're keeping Wash

and if Kimball thinks they're ready,

I'm not gonna be able to stop them

from searching for their leaders.

And if they find their leaders,

this whole civil war charade's gonna fall apart real quick.

- What?

- [Control] I can assure you, they will never be ready.

- That's what I said, but my partner isn't convinced.

- [Control] We will continue to move

Agent Washington's group sporadically-

- Sir.

What if they do manage to make contact?

- [Control] This inquisitive behavior

does not suit you, Locus.

If the Reds and Blues manage to reunite, kill them.

- Carolina, we have to go back.

- What the hell is going on on this planet?

- We can figure that out along the way.

Right now, we just need to get back to the guys.

If Control has infiltrated both sides of this war-

- I know.

Recovering equipment can wait.

- Actually, there's one more thing I want to pick up.

- What?

- We're a long way from the guys.

So what we need is a shortcut.

(soft music)

- How bad is it?

- Well, fortunately missed your femoral artery.

- That's good.

- No, sweetie, you had a knife inside of you.

That's the opposite of good.

- Call me sweetie again,

and there'll be a knife inside of you.

- Ooh, you're hostile.

I'd love to psychoanalyze you.

- The leg, please.

- Ooh, yes.

Be sure not to put any unnatural strain on those muscles.

If you reopen the wound, it won't be pretty.

- Great.

Hey, what do you know, Carolina?

Taken out by an oversized steak knife.

- Well maybe if someone had remembered

to account for hidden blades.

- Hey, I'm an AI, I'm not a babysitter.

- So there's a tiny ghost man here.

Anybody care to introduce me?

- Ah, that's Church.

Yeah, he had to leave for a while,

but I knew he would come back.

- Bullshit.

You were totally depressed.

- What?

No!

No, Tucker.

You're not remembering that right.

No, I would not do something like that.

I would not spiral downward

into an emotional state of depression

and try to fill it with the remains

of a mechanical pet just because I miss Church.

Stupid Tucker.

- Oh, forget you.

I'm gonna analyze him.

- Dr. Grey, this is Agent Carolina.

She and I were operatives for Project Freelancer.

As for Church, he's an artificial intelligence fragment

from the same organization, codename Epsilon.

And to make a long story short,

he kind of used to be the leader of Blue Team

before I showed up.

- You tried to murder us.

- That was a misunderstanding.

- I know, I'm just saying don't gloss over the good parts.

- At least he didn't abandon us.

- Psychoanalyses for everyone.

- Oh, boy, can I go first?

I have got a lot of things crammed inside me.

- Now, hold up just a second.

I want to know what in the name of Benedict Arnold Palmer

is going on around here.

We've been tricked, we've been back-stabbed,

and we've been quite possibly bamboozled.

- Yeah, and whenever that shit starts happening,

it typically means you Freelancers

had something to do with it.

- Project Freelancer is gone.

We all saw to that.

- "Colorful Space Marines Stop Corruption."

That was the news article Locus brought General Doyle

when he suggested we find you.

I always thought the title

was meant to describe your appearances,

but now I think I get what the writer was going for.

- What I'm saying is that Project Freelancer

isn't behind any of this.

This is something else.

- Hmm, the plot thickens.

- Look, man, after we crashed,

Carolina picked up a transmission.

A couple of assholes were talking about

selling cloaking equipment to another couple of assholes.

There was no way we were gonna let that slide,

so she decided to leave, I decided to go with her.

We figured you guys would be fine, okay?

- Oh yeah, totally.

We were totally fine.

Just doing our thing, hanging out,

drinking margaritas, getting captured by evil mercenaries.

Great time.

- Oh, man, Tucker, I am so sorry.

I mean it, my sincerest apologies.

I had no idea that you had turned into

such a whiny bitch while I was gone.

(gun fires)

And you still haven't grasped the concept of a hologram.

Man, you're just having a really tough time today,

aren't you, buddy?

- Man, I thought we had issues.

- Heh, this is better than any daytime television drama,

and that's some quality programming.

- Maybe Church will turn out to be

someone's long lost brother.

- I think we've had enough plot twists for one lifetime.

- And his real name is Horatio.

- I'd watch it.

- All right, enough.

Tucker, there's no way they could've known

all this would happen.

Right now, we need to focus on the bigger issues at hand,

even if Epsilon is being a prick.

- Oh, don't you start too.

- We started investigating,

and it didn't take long for us to realize

that something was very wrong with this planet.

Abandoned cities, soldiers everywhere.

We kept to the shadows

and gathered as much intel as we could.

And what we found was worse than I had anticipated.

- How so?

- This third faction on Chorus, these space pirates,

have managed to acquire Freelancer equipment

and are manufacturing more advanced versions of it

on a mass scale.

Versions that don't require the assistance of an AI.

- But how is that possible?

I thought the UNSC confiscated everything

Project Freelancer ever created.

- They did.

But then they put those creations on a ship

and that ship crashed here.

- Wait, what?

- Guys, don't you think it's a little weird

that our transport vessel

also happened to be carrying tons of weapons and vehicles,

and that it just so happened to magically crash

on a planet in need of those kinds of things?

- What exactly are you suggesting?

- Someone wanted our ship to crash.

- So what you're saying is there's no way any of us

could be responsible for the crash.

- I, well-

Yes.

Why do you ask?

- Sir, this area is reserved for authorized personnel only.

What were you doing in there?

- Oh, sorry, I just noticed you guys

were using a really outdated web browser.

I went ahead and updated it for you.

Now it's the one NASA uses.

No need to thank me.

- Those are the ship's navigation systems.

You can't just update that stuff.

- Tell me about it.

Once I started with the browser,

I couldn't stop myself from changing the graphics card too.

- You what?

- And the motherboard and the fan,

and oh, hey, by the way, I'm glad you're here.

How do you feel about acrylic window panels?

- I-

- The answer is you love them.

(alarm blares)

- [All] No reason.

- Ugh, you guys are missing the point.

Someone managed to ensure that Freelancer equipment

made it right here,

to this tiny rock in the middle of space.

These guys aren't just some asshole raiders and mercenaries.

They're organized and they've managed to work their way

into our own forces.

- In short, we have no idea who we can trust

until we find the people behind all of this.

- Okay, hold up.

Aren't we all forgetting something here?

- Ah!

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

- There are two armies that are ready

to blow each other's brains out thanks to Locus and Felix.

We've got to tell them they're being used.

- That's not going to be easy.

- What do you mean?

You've got those teleporter cubes.

That's how we got here, right?

Let's just zap ourselves over to the New Republic.

- Tucker, we've only got a few of those things left,

they're kind of tricky to use,

they put an enormous strain on a physical body,

which by the way, all of you have.

That's not even the main problem, though.

- Those two mercenaries are thorough.

They've got some sort of radio jammer setup

that only allow broadcasting on certain frequencies,

and they monitor all other open channels.

We tried to contact you when we overheard

your radio transmission to Donut from the crash site.

Not only did we fail, but Locus managed to trace the call

back to this hideout.

We were lucky he missed us,

and I doubt we'll have luck on our side again.

- Yeah, and if they've gone through all the trouble

just to keep their radios quiet,

I can guarantee you they're not gonna let you guys

within a mile of Doyle or Kimball.

If they're not already by their side,

then their cloaked space buddies definitely are.

- We need more intel.

We need the upper hand on these guys

before we can even think about taking them on again.

And to make matters worse, we don't have much time.

- What makes you say that?

- We've managed to eavesdrop

on a few conversations between the mercenaries

and someone calling themselves Control.

They've got plans and protocols for just about everything.

And I'm willing to bet they've got one for this.

- Meaning?

- Look at it this way.

11 people on this planet know what's really going on,

and until those 11 people are tracked down and killed,

I'm talking about you guys, by the way,

there's really only one thing the space pirates can do,

and that's to finish what they started.

- Oh, oh, wonderful.

Duped by a freelancer posing as one of our own men.

Can you taste irony in that?

- If you would have kept your ego under control,

they'd be dead by now.

- Okay, no we don't have the facts

to prove that, all right?

So let's not, you know, start throwing blame around

or anything, okay?

Please, thank you, you're welcome.

- Stop talking.

- [Control] Gentlemen.

Though I'm inclined to further chastise you

for your most recent failure,

I suggest we focus on the opportunity at hand.

- And exactly which opportunity is that?

- [Control] The Reds and Blues are missing.

- It won't be long before my scout team finds them.

- [Control] Perhaps.

But all that truly matters is that you

prevent them from making contact with their armies.

- We've got snipers shadowing the generals as we speak.

- [Control] Marvelous.

Then you are to transport back to your respective armies

and report the deaths of the Reds and Blues.

They will become the martyrs needed

to push these people towards one final confrontation.

Do I make myself clear?

- [Felix] Crystal.

(soft music)

- Grif, we just want to look at it.

- That's what the UNSC guy said about the Grif Shot,

and I never saw it again.

- The what?

- Meta's weapon.

Grif kept it as a trophy until UNSC confiscated it.

- Until then, I thought I was the only one

man enough around here to cry, but Grif proved me wrong.

- It had sentimental value.

- Damn it, Grif, hand over that laser this instant.

- You can't tell me what to do.

I outrank you, again.

- What the- (splutters)

Let's see you outrank the end of my shotgun.

- Uh, gun?

Fucking space laser, bitch.

- Yeah, this is taking forever.

- Hey, hey wait a minute.

(spluttering)

- Woo.

Oh, okay, all right, yeah, here you go.

- Thanks.

Ugh, why is this so greasy?

- You think that's bad?

Imagine how I feel right now.

Being inside of his body

is like trying to breathe through a trash can.

(spluttering)

- God damn it, I hate that.

- Fascinating!

An AI with the ability to jump from soldier to soldier.

Tell me, does he travel via your neural implants

or is it something more subtle?

- Implants.

All Freelancer personnel have them.

- I thought only the Alpha could do that.

- Yeah, just another trick I picked up

from one of my old memory buddies.

God, it gives me a headache, though.

- Come on, let's dismantle this thing

and see what we can learn.

- Hey look, but-

- When we're done, you can have it back in one piece.

Probably.

- Ooh, ooh, you mind if I tag along?

- Yeah, advanced weaponry is my fifth favorite hobby,

right behind destroying my enemies

but just ahead of karaoke.

- No, thanks.

I think Epsilon and I have it handled.

Why don't you catch up for a while?

You've all been through a lot.

- Yeah, I'd stick around for the reunion,

but some of you guys still seem pretty pissed at me,

so I'm just gonna wait for that to settle.

- So, how have you guys been?

- Shut up.

- Same old, same old, huh?

That's cool.

- Well, I don't want to intrude

on such a sweet moment of reconnection.

- Fine with me.

- I was being polite.

I'm actually far more interested in foregin technology.

Bye!

- Okay, bye!

She seems nice.

- Right?

- I think she has a few screws loose.

- Oh, I could always help her out with that.

Bow chicka bow-

- Wait!

- Oh, come on, dude, it's been ages.

- Washington.

I almost forgot.

Where's Freckles?

He probably has some screws loose also.

- Oh, you know what?

I think I'm just gonna go take a peek

at that laser thingy after all.

I'm just dying to see it.

I mean, it is just killing me not to-

Oh.

Nope.

Got nothing.

- Yeah.

(speaking Spanish)

- Yeah, this is great.

Church is back, you're back.

It's like all of us made it back

safe and sound in one piece, no problems.

- Caboose.

- Alive.

- Caboose.

I'm not really sure how to tell you this

without both confusing you

and breaking your disturbingly fragile heart.

- I am an emotional time bomb!

- Jesus Christ.

(clears throat)

Caboose.

I'm afraid this is all that's left of Freckles.

It's his brain, sort of.

- Freckles?

You're-

You're-

You're so tiny now!

- Oh, what?

- It's so good to see you again!

Who's a good boy?

Who's a good boy, Freckles?

- So you're okay, then?

- Ah, Wash, this is great.

Now he can fit in my pocket

and I don't have to worry about him

trying to kill you anymore.

- I guess that is sort of better.

- Thanks for looking after Freckles, Wash.

I know he can be a handful.

- Literally at this point.

- All right, let's go for a walk, Freckles,

'cause Wash is acting weird and dramatic again.

Good to have you back, Agent Washington!

- Hmm.

It's good to be back.

- [Grif] Back off lady, or I will put you in the ground!

- And the moment's passed.

- You were about to take it apart.

- What did you think dismantle meant?

- How did he manage to get the laser back?

- He's deceptively heavy.

(speaking Spanish)

- Grif, for the last time, put the laser-

(laser fires)

- Oh, okay.

Look, that was an accident.

- I'm going to break your fingers now.

(yelps)

- Excuse me.

Where did you find that rifle?

- Hey, I picked it up after Carolina dropped it

at the snow base.

Are you even familiar with the international dibs protocol?

- The pirates have been manufacturing

these along with the armor enhancements.

They've got facilities scattered around the planet.

- So then you're sure it's manmade.

- Yeah, positive, why?

- Well, for starters, it isn't using human technology.

It just fired some kind of modified plasma energy.

Very deadly and pretty.

- Plasma?

- Alien energy source.

I've seen it countless times on archeological digs.

- Wait, I thought you were a surgeon.

- I have an IQ of 240.

A prodigy can only cut people open so many times

before she needs to find a hobby.

- Jesus, could try cross-stitching?

- I sew them back up, thank you very much.

- Hey, I didn't Felix say that he was paid in alien tech?

- I believe he said he was paid in babies.

- The fuck?

- Don't ask.

- He was definitely carrying around an old plasma rifle,

but I thought he said it was broken.

- It's likely it was.

The Federal Army arranged a similar deal with Locus.

They figured trading useless antiques

for military assistance was a good deal.

- So the mercs stock up on alien technology

and hand it over to the pirates for reverse engineering.

- Giving a new kind of weapon, half human, half alien.

- And every single one of them pointed at us.

Fantastic.

- Do you have anything else like this?

- What about the future cubes?

- The what?

- [Donut] Future cubs, the cubes of the future!

- They look kind of like the laser gun, right?

- That's your deductive reasoning.

They're related because they're both orange and glowy.

- So?

- So if I heated your armor to 1,000 degrees,

would you think you're related too?

- Fahrenheit or Celsius?

- Oh, come on.

There's clearly a resemblance.

- Oh, of course, just like the uncanny resemblance

between apples and fire trucks,

or Caboose and the Pacific Ocean,

or Lopez and a dingleberry!

- Okay, I get it.

- Hey Grif, let me ask you a question.

You ever get your sister confused with mustard?

You know, since they're both yellow and cheap.

(gun fires)

Yeah, nice try.

Still a hologram, by the way.

- Epsilon, he's right.

- Yeah, I know, I just wanted in on the action.

- Both types of equipment seem to utilize

some form of alien engineering.

But how did you know what the teleporters look like?

- 'Cause we had them in the canyon.

Duh.

- Wait, you did?

- Yeah, they were awesome.

- We found them while we were sneaking aboard

our ship one night in an attempt to destroy the Blues.

I mean, the Blues' robot.

May he rest in peace.

- Which reminds me.

How did you guys teleport with those things?

We can only figure out how to transport random junk.

(speaking Spanish)

- Oh my gosh, that's right.

We did use them to defeat Dos.0.

(speaking Spanish)

- Okay, everybody shut up.

Listen.

If the same people making weapons on Chorus

had cargo on our ship, then we might be able to find out

who they are.

- How?

- A manifest.

- Yup.

- That's right.

A transport ship that size would need to keep track

of all its cargo.

- So if we find the manifest,

we find out who supplied the teleportation grenades.

- So you think a bunch of evil bad guys

working outside of the law

are gonna worry about paperwork?

- What, you got any better ideas?

(sighs)

- No.

- Then we have our objective.

Half of us will travel back to the canyon

and search Crash Site Bravo for the manifest.

- Why split up?

- Because the rest of us will be searching

the other half of the ship,

at Crash Site Alpha.

- What do you want?

- Just wanted to see how you were doing.

- How am I doing?

How do you think I'm doing?

I put all of our hope into the hands of a bunch of strangers

and they run off and get themselves killed.

- It was a leap of faith.

Sometimes you fall.

- Well, we're falling fast.

I believed in them.

- [Felix] And they believed in us.

- What are you talking about?

They left us.

- Kimball, they accomplished their mission.

They actually managed to rescue their friends

and they were going to come back.

I saw it myself.

They wanted to end this war.

They wanted peace for Chorus.

- Well, what good does that do us now?

- Plenty.

If you go back up there and you tell those men

that their heroes died fighting for them,

then you can turn this tragedy into something more,

turn it into fuel for one last fire.

- Felix, they're mourning.

- When they should be fighting.

Vanessa, how many people have we lost at this point?

Do you think it'd even count?

The only thing different about these soldiers

is that they inspired us,

and I'm telling you they can still inspire us

even though they're gone.

I was waiting to tell you.

I recovered some data from the compound.

The Feds are all gathering in the Capitol this week,

I mean all of them.

Some sort of rally or something.

I don't have all the details,

but it sounds like they're getting ready for one last push.

I guess without the Reds and Blues,

they think they can finally put an end to us.

But I think we need to hit them first.

- You want to storm Armonia?

That's insane.

- I want all of us to do it.

Think about it.

One mission that could end everything.

We may never have another chance like this.

- I told Tucker the same thing.

- You've got an army up there

that wants to avenge their heroes.

I say it's time you let them.

(sighs)

- Okay.

Okay, okay.

This could work.

No, it will work.

It has to.

- Now there's the leader I know.

Never give up, right?

- Right.

Transfer that data over to my personal computer.

Then let's get a meeting together in the war room.

- You got it, boss.

And Felix?

Thank you.

For everything.

- I'm just doing my job.

- All right, each team has two teleportation grenades.

One to transport you there and one to get you back.

First priority is obtaining the manifest.

But while we're in, we should also search

for additional supplies.

Teleporters, weaponry, anything that could help.

I don't expect there to be a hostile presence at Bravo,

but be careful nonetheless.

- Don't get shot, got it.

- Alpha's another story.

We've acquired its coordinates for teleportation,

but never actually investigated the area.

From what we've gathered,

it's a massive hotspot for pirate activity.

I'd understand if you don't want to join us.

- Given the situation,

I'd say you need all the help you can get.

Count us in.

- Yeah, pretty sure Church would be disappointed

if I didn't come also, so.

- Dr. Grey, you stay here and keep an eye on things

while we're gone.

- Wonderful.

I'll prepare a meal out of the surrounding fungi

and vegetation for your return.

- Please don't.

- See you when we get back?

- Just don't get captured.

The last thing we need is another fucking rescue mission.

- Amen.

- Okay, people, the mission starts now.

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- Epsilon.

- [Epsilon] Motion tracker says we're clear.

- Clear?

- [Epsilon] What, did I stutter?

- And you're sure we're in the right place?

- [Washington] Carolina!

I think we're in the right place.

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping)

(laser firing)

- I remember it being bigger.

- No way, this place was always cramped.

I couldn't walk two feet without stepping in your garbage.

- [Donut] Oh, come on, guys.

It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it.

(speaking Spanish)

- [Sarge] Hey, knuckleheads.

Get your asses off memory lane and get back

to looking for supplies.

Me and Princess Bubblegum

have got an entire ship to search.

So far we ain't found diddly squat.

The least you can do is stop jamming up the radio

with your darn pillow talk.

You got that?

- Technically, sir, you've only got half a ship to search.

- [Sarge] Why you good for nothing little-

- Nice.

- You know, Simmons, I can help but notice

a severe lack of ass-kissing ever since we found Sarge.

- Ah, well, we've all been kind of busy

with the whole genocide prevention thing.

You know how it goes.

(speaking Spanish)

- I don't know, man.

Maybe being in charge of those rebel guys rubbed off on you.

- [Donut] Hey, Donut again.

I think you accidentally muted Sarge,

but I couldn't help but overhear

what you just said about guys rubbing off-

- [Simmons] What do you mean?

We were terrible leaders.

- [Grif] Well, yeah, but you gotta admit,

they made you feel pretty important.

- [Simmons] Eh, I guess.

- [Grif] Hey, where's Lopez?

- [Simmons] I don't know,

probably off doing the actual mission or something?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Tucker] This is bullshit!

They've got armor enhancements,

they've got laser guns,

and now they've got giant space dicks

Shooting loads of energy out of the ground?

The fuck is that about?

- If you don't keep your voice down,

we'll never find out.

- Whatever, Church said the place is deserted.

- Still, it gives me the creeps.

And I'm starting to think we might not

have been the only ones to crash on this planet.

- Oh, what was your first clue?

- Mine was the spaceship.

- [Carolina] Over here!

Think this'll work?

- Well, it's still online,

so there's that, at least.

Infrastructure's a mess, though.

It's-

Oh, damn, hold on a second.

- Seriously?

Church couldn't find the zoom on a sniper rifle.

What makes you think you can just plug in and find-

- All right, got it.

Sorry, Tucker, what were you saying?

- Don't be a show off.

(distant roaring)

- What was that?

- Uh-oh.

Four hostiles just popped up on radar.

- How close?

- Not very.

If we keep quiet, we should-

(distant roaring)

Right, fuck that.

Okay, give me a drive now.

- Wait, what's happening?

- It's in.

- Transferring data.

- Dude!

- Yeah, how do I say this?

They know we're here and they're coming to kill us.

- Yeah, one of those days, am I right?

Am I right, guys?

Just one of those days.

Because, 'cause, it's pretty much the worst.

(explosion)

(tense music)

- How did they find us?

- I don't know.

- How much time left on that transfer?

- Hard to say, this computer is beyond fucked.

I'm doing what I can, though.

- Don't worry, we can wait.

- We can?

- Watch your right.

(guns firing)

- Dude, we gotta go.

- Hold them off for a few more seconds.

- Behind us!

(guns firing)

- Oh come on, that's just cheating.

- Church!

- Hold on!

(guns firing)

- Man, fuck this.

- Wait, Tucker!

- Get us out of here!

- Damn it!

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- So, how did it go?

- You fucking jackass!

- Church.

- Me?

We were sitting ducks out there.

- Tucker.

- What? What? (splutters angrily)

We almost had it!

We only needed a few more seconds!

- You don't know that.

- What the fu-

Yes I do!

Newsflash, I was there,

and by the way, I'm made out of numbers!

Why can't you just trust me?

(teleporter grenade explodes)

- One manifest hot and ready to go.

(chuckles)

No need to thank us.

But don't let that discourage you if you want to.

- At least the Reds managed to bring something back.

All we got was a-

Wait, Caboose!

- Hi, that's me.

Oh my God!

(groans)

- Where the hell did he come from?

- He must have teleported back with us.

- My life just flashed before my eyes!

It was awesome!

Let's do that again!

(groans)

- My leg.

- Out of the way, doctor coming through.

- [Epsilon] Damn it.

- [Dr. Gray] Oh, well, that is a lot of blood.

- [Washington] Somebody restrain this guy.

- [Donut] I've got just the handcuffs for the job.

I've been saving them for a special occasion.

- Well, Carolina's patched up again.

Grey really hounded her on the no more super speed thing.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen

a civilian lecture a Freelancer like that before.

It was pretty entertaining, actually.

- Hey, Wash, you got a sec?

- I swear to God if you want me to look at another rash,

I'm gonna hit you.

- No, it's just-

It feels like every choice I make is the worst.

- Oh, holy shit, you're being serious.

- Back at the canyon you told me to try to be better.

And ever since then, that's all people keep telling me.

Try this, try that.

Well, I'm fucking trying, and so far all that happens

is I either get people killed or I ruin the mission.

I mean, how are you supposed to know

if you're making the right call?

- Well, you don't.

There's never really a right or wrong answer.

You just have to stick with what you think is best.

- But what if what I think is best totally sucks?

- Then you learn from it and you try again.

- Oh my God.

It's like you people are on fucking loop.

- Tucker, I know you're frustrated,

but you have to realize that making mistakes

is just part of the deal.

Even with everything you've screwed up,

look at how far you've made it.

You're not the same person you were back in Blood Gulch.

- Is it bad that I kind of wish I was?

- Yes.

You were a terrible excuse for a human being.

- Hey.

- I'm kidding.

- Fuck you, dude.

I'm over here spilling my guts and shit,

and you're cracking jokes?

That's messed up.

- Now who's melodramatic?

- Man, I should've just left your ass with the Feds.

- Hey, Wash, can we borrow you for a second?

- Everything okay?

- Well ever since that pirate guy regained consciousness,

Carolina's been trying to get info out of him,

but so far nothing's working.

- So you need help with the interrogation?

- Actually, we were hoping you could calm down Carolina.

(glass shattering)

- [Carolina] Why won't he talk?

- She's a little frustrated.

(somber music)

(Carolina growling)

- Well, she definitely takes after her mother.

- Was her mother some sort

of silver back gorilla on steroids?

- Yeah, you better be happy her mother's not around

to hear you say that.

- How's it going?

- Oh, you know, terrible.

- You still got the manifest?

- Yes, actually, no thanks to you.

The Reds did managed to bring back

a completely intact drive

with the ships record's and manifest.

- Yeah, you know, suck it, Blue.

- And thanks to the Reds,

those documents are currently locked.

- Oh.

Wait, yeah.

- What?

- Yes, apparently they accessed the ship's records

the last time they were on board,

but since they didn't have the proper clearance,

the files are now in security lockdown.

- Aren't you like part of the Matrix now?

Why don't you just hack it?

- Oh, what don't I just hack it?

Oh, why don't I just download the mainframe

and cross-reference to the database, huh?

Don't talk to me about technical shit.

This is hard, okay?

It's just making me a little-

- Frustrated.

- I was gonna say completely filled with rage,

but yeah, frustrated.

- Talking about me?

- Actually, no.

- I don't get it.

He's not giving up anything.

- Excuse me.

I've been washing your blood off my armor,

so I'm a little late to the conversation.

Did you say the prisoner's awake?

- For now, but I've got five bucks that says

Carolina rips his spine out within the hour.

- I'll take those odds.

- I see.

If you don't mind, do you think

I could have a few minutes alone with him?

- You gonna give him a Band-Aid for every beating he gets?

- Well, if you recall, he and his partners

turned every one of my friends at Outpost 37

into piles of ash.

Anyone sick enough to do something like that

would almost certainly benefit from a checkup.

(soft music)

- Ooh, what's the matter?

Did the big bad Freelancer get all tuckered out?

- Do you know where we are?

- Huh?

- This is a remote research facility

designed to study the surrounding wildlife.

I volunteered at one just like it in grad school.

It's got a laboratory, an incinerator

and oodles of state of the art surgical equipment.

Would you like to see them?

(screaming)

(Dr. Grey singing dementedly)

- [Zachary] Oh, God!

- Sarge, I'm scared.

- Simmons, we're all scared.

I mean, except for me.

His name is Zachary Miller, he's ex-military

and he was kind enough to hand over the coordinates

to a nearby radio jammer.

- You're kidding.

- No, silly, I'm Dr. Grey.

Ha, dad joke!

- All right.

Think he's in a position to answer a few more questions?

- Oh, absolutely.

Let me just go put them back together.

- Caboose.

- Yes?

- Don't ever stick your dick in crazy.

- I have no idea what that means.

- I know.

- You'll find his belongings on a crate over there

and then his tone is much more positive.

Isn't that right, Zachary?

- For the love of God,

get this psychopath away from me!

- He's all yours.

- Hey, Carolina, I'm gonna go dark for a little bit,

focus on this manifest.

You got this?

(chuckles)

- Oh yeah.

The radio jammers.

Talk.

- I already told your friend about the nearest one, okay?

I want to know about all of them.

- I don't know all of them, I swear.

Look, if you take out the jammer at the coast,

you'll at least be able to make contact with the capital.

That helps, right?

Now will you let me go?

- There seems to be a misunderstanding.

Your options are either A, staying here forever,

or B, the incinerator directly behind you.

(laughs nervously)

- Good point.

Well, what else do you want?

- The giant tower at Crash Site Alpha.

What is it doing?

- What, the tractor beams?

That's why your ship crashed here in the first place.

They're some of the only alien relics

we've managed to activate.

Ships come by, we pull them down

and then kill everyone aboard.

After that, the mercs sell the supplies to the armies.

Would have worked on you too, but something went wrong.

It was like the ship tried to jump to slip space,

change course and power down all at the same time.

It didn't make any sense.

Instead of pulling you down, the ship got ripped apart.

- I'm gonna go ahead and claim

partial responsibility for that.

- How many of you are on Chorus?

- Enough to get the job done.

- Give me numbers or I give you back to the doctor.

- Whoa, let's not get hasty.

There's a few dozen of us, all right?

- A few dozen?

- Quality over quantity.

You Freelancers should know something about that.

I worked with the mercs on another job a long time ago.

I guess I did good, because they came back,

and they had the offer of a lifetime.

- Wiping out an entire planet?

- You call it genocide.

I call it one hell of a paycheck.

- And who exactly is paying for all of this?

- Beats me.

The client sends us supplies

and scientists to run the weapons manufacturing,

but Locus and Felix are the only ones that talk with them.

We'll get the occasional direct order

if things are getting dicey, but other than that,

we're kept in the dark.

And I can tell you this though.

Whoever it is has invested a lot of time

and a lot of money into this project.

If you think they're just gonna sit back

and let you throw it all away-

(laughs)

Then you've got another think-

(gun fires)

- Damn it!

(guns firing)

- [Washington] Again?

- Epsilon!

- I'm here.

There's three more closing in on the guys.

- Tucker Sarge, more pirates incoming.

- [Sarge] What?

Men, battle stations!

- Get into the lab as soon as you can.

We can hold them off from here.

- [Tucker] Got it.

- We've got more hostiles inbound.

- What?

(frantic shouting)

- What the hell is going on?

- We're being surrounded.

- How do they keep finding us?

- I don't know, is there a tracking device?

- Is this supposed to be some sort of apology?

- [Locus] Is it?

- Oh no.

- Everyone get ready.

(gun cocks)

Today is a good day-

(teleporter grenade explodes)

Sit down for a minute and just have a rest,

'cause I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Ugh, we're back at the gas station?

- Good, I think I need a bathroom.

- I would not recommend it.

(coughs)

- How did we get here?

- It's Freckles.

Freckles is the tracking device.

(somber music)

(electronic beeping)

(clears throat)

- Men, may I have your attention please?

- All right, everyone, listen up.

Today's the day.

- Today is the day we defend this once great city

from the those who wish take it for themselves.

- You all know your roles.

Squads will split up and surround the Capitol.

Then we sneak in and hit them from all sides.

- Once the enemy has entered the city,

the exits will be sealed and any hope of retreat

will be dashed.

- I won't lie to you.

Today may be one of the worst days of your life.

And for many of us, it's going to be the last.

But we can't give up.

We've come too far and lost too much to throw this all away.

- The New Republic believes they can end this war today,

and they are correct.

What they fail to realize is that the Federal Army of Chorus

shall be the ones standing victorious

after the smoke has cleared.

- So remember the plan.

- Remember your training, but most of all-

- Remember what you're fighting for.

- Yeah, we're totally dead.

Ow!

- Not the time.

(sighs)

- [Locus] Well said.

- Oh my!

(laughs nervously)

Locus, yes.

Oh dear God, man, you nearly gave me a heart attack.

- Sir, I have some rather urgent news.

- Right, well, spit it out then.

- I've been informed that the New Republic

has dispatched the mercenary

to scout ahead for their forces.

- My word, first the news of their invasion and now this?

You are just a wealth of information, aren't you?

- I'm leaving to track them down.

- Yes, yes, oh, wait, no, no, no!

You can't just leave.

What about the impending battle?

I need you here by my side

to boost the morale of the troops.

- Don't be concerned, General.

Once I've taken care of this issue,

I'll return to take care of you.

- Oh, right.

Ah, yes, yes.

Excellent thinking, Locus.

I can always count on you to get the job done.

- [Caboose] Give it to me straight, Church.

Is Freckles gonna make it?

- Your robot's fine.

I just need a few more-

There we go.

Congrats, your pet has been debugged.

(sighs)

- Oh God.

Now all we have to do is get him fixed.

- I can't believe you would just accept something

from the enemy like that.

- It was a lapse in judgment.

It won't happen again.

- Yeah, because next time we'll be dead.

Come on, Wash, you're supposed to be

the smart one in the group.

- I thought I was a smart one in the group.

- Eh, smart's relative, like good looks or skills.

Sometimes you have to settle.

- Would you guys all shut up?

This isn't helping.

- Oh yeah, right.

Since when have you managed to help out around here?

- Hey, maybe you haven't noticed,

but I've kind of been running this shut while you were gone.

- Just out of curiosity, who ran stuff when he was here?

- Well, you ran straight into the ground, Tucker.

Great job, you must be so proud.

- Okay.

Everyone's a little tense right now.

- Well, at least I tried.

- You?

What about me?

You think I've been a vacation this whole time?

- Please stop fighting!

Can't you see you're tearing this family apart?

- Right.

This shit's getting weird, I'm out.

Hey, if you need me, I'll be thinking of a way

to keep us alive for the next 24 hours.

- Good riddance.

- [Epsilon] Hey, I heard that!

I'm still actually in the room, dumbass!

- I'm gonna go check the perimeter.

(sighs)

- I'll do the same.

Why don't you guys just take a breather?

- All right, bye Wash, bye Carolina, bye Church!

- Caboose, aren't you even like the tiniest bit

pissed off at Church?

- Uh, nope.

- Not even a little?

- Nah.

- At all?

- Yeah, no, not really.

- How?

He's being such an asshole.

- I'm pretty sure Church has always been an asshole.

Yeah, isn't that kind of his thing?

Like Simmons is smart, I'm good-looking,

you guys are the dumb one, the lazy one

and the mean one.

- But he doesn't even care about us.

- I don't know about that.

He stopped that mercenary from cutting up Caboose.

Missed opportunity if you ask me.

- Well, he abandoned us.

- But didn't you guys do the same thing?

- Huh?

- Uh, the rebels?

- Well, yeah,

but there were more important things we had to do.

- I kind of feel like stopping the sale

of illegal military equipment might've been more important

than hanging out in the canyon.

- Okay, Tucker, I'm gonna tell you this

only because you respect my opinion so much.

- I actually don't listen to anything you say ever.

- Classic lazy one.

- If you keep being mean to Church,

Church will just keep being mean to you,

and then everyone will be mean to everyone all the time

and everything will be bad and no one will have fun.

- Is this-

Are you trying to give a motivational speech right now?

- Shh, I want to see where he's going.

- I mean, come on.

Is this really what you want?

You just, you just want to be angry and mean all the time?

Because that is dumb.

And you know what?

You're dumb for thinking that.

- Did Caboose just call someone dumb?

- That's calling the kettle blue.

- So Church left.

And maybe some of us were sad.

But you know what?

That is okay!

Because he was just trying to do something good,

and he just made a mistake,

and we all make mistakes sometimes.

- Wow, Caboose-

- So shut up and get over it!

(wind howling)

- Well, my work is done here.

- You know, I really do fucking hate him.

(somber music)

- Hey, Carolina, can-

You think I could talk to church for a second?

- Oh, sure.

- Epsilon.

Church, get out here.

Church!

- Just say you're sorry.

- Can't a guy have a little privacy around-

Oh.

- Hey.

- What do you want?

(sighs)

- So I guess I've been kind of a dick since you got back.

- Oh, well, yeah, I mean, sure.

If you want to put it lightly.

I mean, I mean, I guess I did,

you know, leave you guys without saying anything.

Which at the time seem poetic and heroic and all that.

But you know, I guess from a practical standpoint,

I probably should have left a note.

- Yeah.

- I'm just not used to you actually doing stuff, you know?

I mean, it's weird.

Normally you guys just dick around

and I have to do everything.

- Well, you don't have to do everything anymore.

- Yeah, well, I guess it just takes getting used to.

- You know, I think I saw some beer

back at the gas station.

- Hologram, dude, still a hologram.

- Oh, right.

- But thanks.

You can have mine.

- Seriously?

That's it?

No "I'm sorry"?

Nothing?

- Carolina, we're dudes.

- Yeah, this is pretty much as emotional

as we're gonna get.

- Yeah, you just witnessed like,

an entire lifetime's worth

of male emotion in one minute.

- What was she expecting?

- Beats me.

Can you believe I have to live with her?

- Dude, that sucks.

- Tell me about it.

- Oh, wait, does that mean you get to see her naked?

- [Epsilon] Okay man, don't make it weird.

- So are they good?

- I think they're as good as they're gonna get.

- About time.

- You're telling me.

- Now can we get back to the whole civil war thing please?

(radio static)

- Oh, my ears!

My sensitive ears.

- [Felix] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is your captain speaking.

And boy, have I got some news for you?

- You just had to ask for it.

- It's Felix.

He's using the radios.

- Hey asshole, we're not interested

in whatever bullshit you're selling.

- [Felix] Oh, but Tucker,

in a miraculous one-time only deal,

you've all been upgraded to first class

on a one-way flight off of Chorus.

Are you interested now?

- [Simmons] I would be lying if I said

I wasn't a little interested.

- What exactly are you playing at?

- [Felix] Okay, easy there, darlin'.

I know this is all very exciting,

so I'm gonna hand the mic over to my partner here

to tell you the details.

- It's time your people understood

the futility of your situation.

We know where you're hiding.

We know you're in possession

of a single teleportation grenade,

and we know that you hold the coordinates

to a particularly valuable radio jammer.

Which is why my partner and I

are contacting you from its location.

Make no mistake,

you will not be interfering with today's events.

- [Tucker] Says you.

We're the champs of interfering with shit.

- As we speak, the armies of Chorus

are converging on the Capitol,

and the battle that ensues will leave no survivors.

If your goal was to save these people, you have failed.

But you'll now have an opportunity to save yourselves.

- What do you mean?

- [Felix] Once the chumps at the Capitol are all dead,

you guys will be the only loose ends left.

Now, seeing as you've disabled our tracking device

and have the means to teleport anywhere in the world,

this poses a somewhat annoying problem.

- [Locus] Which is what Control is offering to make a deal.

- Control?

- If you choose to teleport

back to your camp at Crash Site Bravo,

you'll find a small ship waiting to take you home.

But if you fail to arrive within the hour,

we will find you and we will kill you.

- [Grif] I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on that.

- Yeah, why should we believe anything you say?

- [Locus] See for yourself.

(engines whirring)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- You're right, Lopez.

That is the ship that dropped us off.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

- [Locus] It's fully functional

and en route to the canyon now.

- So you've got to ship.

How are we supposed to know you won't shoot us

the second we arrive?

- Well you can't, but if it makes you feel any better,

this wasn't our idea, trust me.

I'm really hoping you're dumb enough

to turn this offer down.

- Our client is a person of business.

They understand that you want no part in this conflict,

and they are willing to let you live

if you agree never to speak of our involvement here.

- And trust us, they'll know if you do.

- Agent Washington, I've been ordered to offer you

and your men a way out.

And I never break an order.

You have one hour to make a decision.

- [Felix] Hope you make the right one.

(wind howling)

(electronic beeping)

(grunts)

- Sorry.

- It's all good.

Just severe whiplash.

- So how is it you can fix cars

when you can't even drive them?

- I'm sorry, Antoine, I couldn't hear you

over the sound of your perpetual poor attitude.

- Oh, fucking got him!

- Dropping that first name shit.

- God, I hope you die before me.

- Cut the chatter.

Entry point seven secure.

No hostiles detected, over.

- [Man] Roger that, Smith.

Moving up.

- [Soldier] Come on, guys, let's go!

- Oh, hey, I just realized,

this is our first mission together.

- Huh?

- As a super elite team, remember?

- Yeah, some team we turned out to be.

- Yeah, we're like the Avengers.

Okay, Smith can be Captain America,

Jensen's Black Widow.

- Who are you?

- Uh, Tony Stark, obviously.

- Oh, whatever, you're totally Hawkeye.

- Comic book Hawkeye or movie Hawkeye?

- Movie Hawkeye.

- You fuck yourself.

- Hey!

Palomo's right.

The captains chose us for a reason,

and none of us are going to let them down.

Now let's move out.

- Keep interference to a minimum.

Let them kill each other and only target those

who try to escape.

- Hmm, this is gonna be too easy.

(somber music)

- All right, the way I see it, we've got three options.

I'm gonna go through these in the order

of fucking terrible to God damn nightmare.

Option A, we can take our last teleportation grenade

and jump to a place on Chorus

where we can lay low for awhile.

The obvious con here is that the armies

will probably blow each other to bits.

But Carolina and I have gotten pretty good

about fighting these guys on the run.

If we're careful, we might be able to gather

enough equipment and intel to get off this planet

and bring Control to justice.

- Just to clarify, that's the best option?

- That was fucking terrible.

- We lose Chorus, but still have a chance

to bring down Control and walk away from this alive.

That gets us two out of three.

- What's option B?

- If, and let me tell you,

I cannot stress this if hard enough,

if Locus and Felix are telling the truth,

we go back to the canyon, get on the ship, go home.

If anybody asks, we tell them we stole the ride

before all the crazy army people showed up

and started murdering each other.

- Gotta be honest.

I'm not the biggest fan of the if,

and the thousands of deaths aren't great either.

- What about option C?

(sighs)

- We teleport to the radio jammer.

If we take out the defenses and shut down the machine,

and if we're not too late,

then we can broadcast a message to the Capitol.

- Oh, well that one doesn't sound too bad.

- Well, here's the thing.

I've been running Carolina's healing unit whenever I can,

but her leg is still garbage.

Combine that with the fact that these guys

have Freelancer equipment, advanced weaponry-

- We get it.

Some of us won't make it back.

- Most of us won't make it back.

- But we could save everyone at the Capitol.

- Yeah, if, if, if we make it back in time.

Then you just need to find a way to convince two armies

that a bunch of dead people are actually alive

and telling the truth.

- There's a fourth option.

Carolina and I go on the run with Epsilon

and do our best to bring down Control.

And the rest of you take the ship and go home.

- That's actually not a bad idea.

- The three of us would be able

to move around the planet easier without the extra baggage.

No offense.

- No, baggage was right.

We're comfortable with who we are.

- But we can't just leave.

- Yes, you can.

This isn't your responsibility.

You all held up your end of the bargain.

You helped us fight.

You saved your friends.

So now all that's left is for you to go home.

(somber music)

(electronic beeping)

- Something's not right.

Squad leaders in the downtown area report in.

- Still no enemies in sight, ma'am.

- Yeah, we got nothing over here.

- Ma'am, you don't think Felix had bad intel, do you?

- Anything's possible.

Just stay alert.

He should have been back by now.

(crashing)

- What was that?

- Shit!

City's roadblocks just locked up.

- What?

- Same thing just happened in our sector.

- [Soldier] Freeze!

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh.

- Oh.

- Don't say it.

- It's a trap!

- Get us out of here!

(alarm beeping)

(tires squealing)

- Well, well, well.

Vanessa Kimball, leader of the New Republic.

Welcome to the Capitol.

(electricity sparking)

- Time's almost up.

- Bravo, report.

- [Bravo] No visual on the targets.

I don't think they're coming, sir.

- Hmm, stay on guard.

- Hmm, guess they didn't trust us.

Locus, how many men did you bring with you?

Four.

The rest were needed at the Capitol.

- You don't say.

- Four pirates carrying prototypes.

Mercs are sticking to their usual.

I'm heading away from the jamming tower now.

- [Washington] Did they see you?

- Excuse me.

You look familiar.

Have we met?

(gun fires)

Oh, man, you are fast!

Oh, but minus points on originality.

(gun fires)

See what I mean?

- All right, you have me.

- So where's the rest of the crew?

- They're not here.

I came alone.

- Well, that is classic you from what I've heard,

but seeing as they weren't at the gas station

or the ship we so generously provided,

I'm not sure I believe you.

- Well, I guess that's your problem.

- Actually, if you don't tell your friends

to come out and surrender,

you're gonna have a problem the size of a golf ball

in the middle of your forehead.

- Funny, I was just about to tell you the same thing.

- Oh, hey, Wash.

Heads up, you're gonna feel like an asshole

in three, two and-

- [Locus] You continue to both surprise

and disappointment me, Agent Washington.

- Yeah, yeah, there it is.

- [Doyle] Never in all my life have I met a human being

as selfish and bloodthirsty as you, Ms. Kimball.

- How dare you.

- Marching to the Capitol thinking you could kick us

while we're down.

Have you no decency?

- We tried to be decent in the past,

but we all remember how that turned out, don't we?

- My dear girl, I can assure you

I haven't the slightest idea what you mean.

- Of course not.

You're still too busy trying to uphold a government

that doesn't even exist anymore.

- Because you killed everyone who stood for it.

- It was a broken fucking bureaucracy

that nearly killed the planet.

- And you're all a ruthless lot of of anarchists

who killed the only outsiders

brave enough to try and save it.

- I would-

Wait, what did you say?

- This might be a problem.

- All right, guys,

come out and I promise to kill you quick.

Waste my time, and you get to watch the Freelancers

die over the course of,

well, until whenever I get bored.

Spread out and find them.

They might be hiding in one of the caves.

(gunshot)

- [Tucker] Caboose!

- [Caboose] I didn't do it!

- Or maybe they'll just telegraph their position

'cause they're idiots.

- Shoot on sight.

- Tell me, when you murdered the Reds and Blues,

was it because you couldn't stand the thought

of them siding with us

or were they merely caught up

in the decimation of our outpost?

- What are you talking about?

We didn't decimate anything.

- It came from here.

- Right.

Move in on three.

- You killed the Reds and Blues

after they rescued their friends.

- We did no such thing!

- Two.

- You know, I just gotta ask,

what did you think seven morons,

a couple of Freelancers and an AI

would actually be able to do here?

- One.

- But Felix said-

(gun fires)

- [Soldier] What the-?

Well, not much, but you forgot to count

the genius and the dog.

- The dog?

- [Freckles] Heat signature detected.

- Did that gun just fucking talk?

- [Freckles] Firing main cannon.

(gun fires)

(screams)

- What?

- Now!

- Attack!

- Open fire!

- Duck!

(guns firing)

- Move!

(guns firing)

(grunting)

(gun firing)

(grunts)

- Man down!

- Hiya!

Haha, bitch!

- Yes, good boy, Freckles.

- [Freckles] Thank you, Captain Caboose.

All right guys, two down, two to go.

- Roger that.

Come and get us, boys!

(guns fire)

Now might be a good time to run.

(grunting)

(gun fires)

(grunting)

(gun fires)

- Oh, come on.

(laughs menacingly)

- Fire in the hole!

- Huh?

[Carolina] Sorry!

- Take out those gunmen.

(guns firing)

- Missed!

Missed!

- Palomo!

- Okay, nice shot.

- Hey, suck it, Black!

- What?

- Just to clarify, that wasn't a race thing.

- Come back here!

- Get him!

(yelling)

- Aim for the jugular!

- [Grif] Ow!

- The jugular!

- [Grif] Ow!

- Punch him in the God damn throat!

- [Grif] Well, why didn't you just say so?

(Sarge laughs)

- Does anyone copy?

God damn it, what's happening out there?

- Stick 'em up.

- Yipe!

(grunts)

(speaking Spanish)

- Lopez, no!

(speaking Spanish)

(laughs menacingly)

(speaking Spanish)

(gun firing)

- Felix!

(grunting)

- Haha, that was awesome.

- Stay focused.

Right, where's the other one?

- Whoa.

- If it's not a car, it's a cliff.

- Take care of the simulation troopers.

I have this under control.

- Right.

- Do not disappoint me again.

(guns firing)

- Oh, dear!

I'm a leader, not a fighter!

- Damn it!

Get ready to cover me.

I'm going after him.

This ends today.

- Come on, guys.

Let's not draw this out any longer than we have to.

- Sounds good to me.

- Oh no, you are not.

Seriously?

You're gonna go with the sword?

Oh, oh no, okay, all right.

- What's wrong, you scared?

- This is gonna be fun.

- Last map, Wash, make it count.

- [Locus] Why do you continue to help these people,

Agent Washington?

- Where are you?

- [Locus] You have nothing to gain from them,

no reason to fight for them,

and yet here you stand with your life on the line for them.

- Is that so hard to understand?

(gun firing)

- [Locus] You used to so much more.

- For God's sake, man, loosen up.

You gotta get limber.

- How did you convince Kimball

to go to the Capitol?

- Vanessa?

- Oh, she was easy.

I just made up some story about how you all died heroically.

You should've seen it, man.

I gave the performance of a fucking lifetime.

Got all broken up, threw in a few dramatic pauses,

and they just ate it up.

- So how long have you and Locus been working together?

- I'm sorry, I thought we were going to be fighting here.

- Ah, son of a bitch!

- Round one, Felix.

- God you're a fucking tool.

- [Locus] You were once an enemy to these men.

You were ruthless.

You were a survivor.

- I was a different person.

- [Locus] No, you were a soldier.

- You say that like they're two different things.

- [Locus] When a true soldier is told to kill, he kills.

He does not question why, he does not mourn the fallen.

He fulfills his role then moves on to the next.

- Is that what you want to be?

A true soldier?

- No.

That is what I am.

(gun firing)

- Damn it.

- Ow, you dick!

- God, I just really want to savor this.

You know, once the Feds and rebels kill each other,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we've been playing these guys for years.

How do you just walk away from something like that?

- What happened to retirement?

- Oh, well, yeah, I'll be filthy stinking rich,

but I'm still in my prime.

There's so much more I could do.

- Keep talking, asshole.

- Well, the thing about that is-

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

You know, I just realized

I haven't seen your pals in awhile.

I wonder if they're trying to get the jump on me?

- [Simmons] Ah, he knows!

(screaming)

- No!

(gasps)

- That's the last time you try to outsmart me,

Captain Tucker.

- [Locus] I'm a Professional, Agent Washington.

I can-

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,

you complete your missions at all costs.

You can see that as many times as you want,

but I know what you really are.

You're a coward.

- [Locus] Ridiculous.

- You keep trying to play yourself off

as some sort of weapon,

that you don't care about anyone or anything,

but the fact that you're trying so hard to understand me

breaks your entire act.

No matter how hard you may want to be, you're not a machine.

You're a murderer,

but you hide behind the idea in your head

because you're too afraid

to take responsibility for what you've done.

I know I used to be a real piece of shit,

but at least I'm trying to do something about it.

(growls)

- Stop right there.

- You.

- Don't make me use this.

- You still don't get it, do you?

The entire reason you sim troopers

were allowed to live this long,

(chuckles)

is because you're all losers.

Control was confident that you'd do more damage

to these people to make it ever do to themselves.

I mean, a bunch of idiots in charge of an army?

Come on, it was a recipe for disaster.

Locus and I figured we'd let you rack up the casualty count,

then kill you after a few weeks.

Oh, but then you did something special.

He gave these people hope.

And with that came a new level of motivation

to fight harder, to die faster,

all with the belief that their sacrifice

might actually mean something.

But you know what?

It all means nothing.

At the end of the day, if I'm stronger than you,

and if I'm faster than you, then I can kill you.

And that's better than anything money can buy.

(coughs)

- I don't know, man.

I think I'd rather be rich than a fucking nut job.

What do you think, Church?

- Yeah, this guy's got no idea what he's talking about.

- What the-?

What the fuck is this?

Oh, this is Church.

He's the AI that helps me run my equipment.

- What equipment?

- My helmet cam.

Oh!

Somebody just got fucking busted.

- All right, boys!

Bring it down!

(guns firing)

(explosion)

- Be right back.

(electricity sparking)

(radio static)

- Once the Feds and rebels kill each other,

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I mean, we've been playing these guys for years.

- [Tucker] How did you convince Kimball

to go to the Capitol?

- Vanessa?

- Oh, she was easy.

I just made up some story about how you all died heroically.

You should have seen it, man.

I gave the performance of a fucking lifetime.

Got all broken up, threw in a few dramatic pauses,

and they just ate it up.

- You son of a bitch.

- [Felix] The entire reason you sim troopers

were allowed to live this long

is because you're all losers.

Locus and I figured we'd let you rack up the casualty count,

then kill you after a few weeks.

- Locus?

- [Felix] You gave these people hope.

- This is bad.

- [Soldier] Locus, everyone at the Capitol knows.

What do we do?

(Washington groaning)

- Follow protocol.

- Oh, dude, are you speechless?

That's a first.

- You.

You're dead.

- [Carolina] I wouldn't if I were you.

- You know, those sticky grenades kick like a mule,

but I hear these newfangled laser blasters are quite lethal.

- The mission is a failure.

Protocol states we're to report to Control immediately.

- They're injured.

We can kill them now.

- No.

We follow orders.

Let me assure you all, this is not over.

(teleportation grenade explodes)

(radio static)

- [Kimball] This is Vanessa Kimball of the New Republic

ordering an immediate cease fire.

- [Doyle] All soldiers of the Federal Army

stand down at once.

- [Kimball] Tucker, Grif, can anyone read me?

What are your coordinates?

Where are you?

(mimicking Pelican ship)

- The Pelican goes in for a landing,

but the radio jammer's shooting up

all sorts of electricity and stuff.

It was like-

(mimicking electricity sparking)

- [All] Ooh.

- We're on the ground, Captain Tucker's bleeding out.

The Reds and Blues are all bashed up.

Things don't look good.

- [All] Oh.

- We move them all aboard the ship

and take off as fast as we can.

And that's when he spoke to me.

"Palomo, come closer."

It was my captain.

I leaned in.

"Don't speak, Tucker.

You need your strength."

But he brushed my hand aside,

looked me straight in the eyes and said to me,

"Palomo, you did good, kid.

You did good."

- Oh, that's bullshit.

What I actually told you was to stop crying

and just shut the fuck up.

- Okay, yeah.

But the sentiment was still there.

- I fucking hate you, Palomo.

- You know, if we hadn't shown up with the Fed ship,

you'd probably be dead.

Like for real this time.

- Hey, we're a bunch of mavericks, okay?

We weren't even planning on making it out alive.

That was just an added bonus for being so fucking awesome.

- You went on a suicide mission for us?

- Well, you know, we figured we owed you one.

- That's so selfless.

And hey, your voice didn't crack.

- It didn't?

I mean-

(clears throat)

Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.

- All right, don't get carried away.

You guys just happened to be the first people

we ever met who thought we were cool.

We saved you strictly for selfish reasons,

and with the hope there'd be more pampering upon our return.

- [Matthews] I'm here whenever you need me, sir!

- He seriously survived the fight?

I mean, really?

The universe just had to spare Matthews.

- Well, I think I speak for all of us when I say thank you.

- And I think that I speak for all of us

when I say that this feels like

the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Isn't that right, Freckles?

- [Freckles] Affirmative.

- No, absolutely not.

- Way too cheesy.

- Thank you, captain.

I'll remember this to the day I die,

or my name is John Elizabeth Andersmith.

- Oh God, is it?

- [Kimball] So, what do you think?

- [Doyle] I think it's an absolute mess.

- Well, your army didn't exactly leave us

with many options over the years.

- Yes, well, I suppose we can't expect you

to continue operating out of a hole in the ground.

I'll talk with one of my new advisors

and see if we can have your people set up

at another one of our outposts.

- I was actually thinking about moving to the Capitol.

(splutters)

- Well that's preposterous.

- Excuse me?

My men deserve a roof over their heads just like yours.

- Hey, you both agreed to a temporary truce.

So why don't you try starting with a little cooperation?

- Very well, I'll see what we can do.

Agent Washington, you have my thanks.

- And mine.

If it wasn't for you all, we'd be gone.

- Well, thanks, but you should really thank Tucker.

- The whole plan was actually his idea.

- Is that so?

- Kind of a shocker, huh?

- No, not really.

If there's anything we can ever do for you,

please don't hesitate to ask.

- Oh gosh, I don't think that's really necessary-

- What's a rank higher than captain?

- Um, Colonel?

- Promote me to colonel.

- Oh, very well, then.

In honor of your service,

I hereby promote you to Colonel

Sarge.

- You hear that, numb nuts?

I outrank you again!

Ha!

(soft music)

- So did you miss me?

Actually, I found the peace of mind

to be rather nice for a change.

- Oh yeah, I bet it went along great with that ass kicking.

- That was part of the plan.

- Oh really, 'cause I thought the plan

was to distract Locus, not let him mop the floor with you.

- Look, they were better than I expected, okay?

- Wimp.

- I'm still surprised you went along with the plan.

- Yeah, well I figured it was time

to have faith in them too.

Oh, hey, hold on.

- Everything okay?

- Yeah, I said hold on.

Aha.

Great, thanks D.

- What was that?

- That was the end of a very long

and very annoying decryption process.

- You've got the manifest?

- Fuck yeah, I got the manifest.

I'm processing it now.

Well, not exactly the most dramatic revelation,

but I believe that we have our culprit.

- Who is it?

- Charon Industries, big umbrella corporation.

They've got a hand in pretty much

every major market you can think of.

Even messed around with cryogenics a few years back,

but it looks like their largest profits

come from weapons and technology.

They own most of the stuff on the ship.

- Sounds familiar.

- Yeah, Project Freelancer stole some assets

from them once or twice

and managed to destroy quite a bit

of private property in the process.

- You mean the resistance?

I thought they were a UNSC splinter group.

The soldiers were all UNSC, but according to my records,

they've been hired on to act

as Charon's private security force.

- Is that legal?

- I doubt it.

Looks like Charon and the military

started getting really buddy-buddy around the time that-

Oh.

- Epsilon?

- Where's Dr. Grey?

- Huh?

- The lunatic, what's she doing?

- She's treating the space pirates we captured.

- Perfect.

Tell her I want them to give me

all known radio frequencies used by the mercenaries.

- Why?

- I need to make a call.

(electronic beeping)

- [Control] I am at a loss, gentlemen.

Years of arduous labor and delicate manipulation

all made worthless by your inability

to stop a single squad

of what can hardly be considered soldiers.

- They got lucky.

- They were underestimated and it will not happen again.

- Our operation now lies in extreme jeopardy.

Word of our involvement can never find its way

back to Earth or the UNSC.

- Then what are our orders?

- Go to war.

- [Caboose] Hello?

Yes.

Hello?

- [Control] What is this?

- [Caboose] Extra sauce, please.

- An outside transmission.

- How'd they get this channel?

- "Colorful Space Marines Stop Corruption."

You know, I really love

the picture they used for this thing,

but I gotta say, I think I like the description even more.

Pictured above, the Red and Blue troopers

of Project Freelancer receive a full pardon

from UNSC oversight chairman

and Charon Industries CEO, Malcolm Hargrove.

I can't imagine you'd like publicizing

that second bit very much though.

Probably not very good for business.

Am I right, chairman?

- On the contrary,

you'd be surprised as to what can come of a merger

between politics and corporations.

If you're here to negotiate a surrender,

I'm afraid I must inform you that your ship has set sail.

Quite literally, in fact.

- Actually, we were just hoping to read you a letter.

- It's just a little something we put together for you,

considering we'll probably be seeing

a lot of each other over the next few weeks.

- Take it away, Church.

- Dear chairman, it has come to our attention

that you have declared war on the planet Chorus.

We regret to inform you that this is a really shitty idea.

Not only have you managed to annoy the people

that you failed to kill time and time again,

you've also found a way to piss off an entire planet.

Now they may not have the best equipment

and they might not be the best fighters,

but as you're aware,

they've been fighting for a very long time.

And now that they're not fighting each other,

they're more than happy to dedicate

all of their time to fighting you.

So dear chairman, to you and your idiotic mercenaries,

we would like to say bring it on, motherfuckers.

We are not going anywhere.

From your friends, the incredibly badass

and semi-attractive Red and Blue soldiers

of Project Freelancer.

PS, suck our balls.

(soft guitar music)

♪ In love, in need, in want, in miss ♪

♪ I taste your bite, I taste your kiss ♪

♪ And I think back, the things you said ♪

♪ They make me mad, a bull to red ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪

♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪

♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ Drinking martinis by myself ♪

♪ On a Sunday ♪

♪ Drinking martinis again ♪

♪ On a Monday ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ I buy your brand, I smoke your brand ♪

♪ I count the what ifs on one hand ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ And I wonder what you wore ♪

♪ And I'm lost inside a bar ♪

♪ And I'm drunk inside a war ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

♪ Drinking martinis alone ♪

♪ Sunday morning ♪

♪ Drinking martinis again ♪

♪ Sunday evening ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ It's a half life ♪

♪ And I wonder where you are ♪

- FILSS?

- [FILSS] Yes, Chairman?

- Please clear my schedule for the rest of the day.

- [FILSS] Yes, Chairman.

- And FILSS,

could you verify that Locus's delivery

was sent to the trophy room?

- [FILSS] The crate from the shipwreck was

unloaded and delivered this morning, sir.

- Wonderful.

I could use a bit of good news today.

(electronic beeping)

(soft music)