Original subtitles

No, Mum.

No! You don't need to be vaccinated against rabies. This is the United

America. It's not bad to see dogs, though. And look, we've got a month to

the packing perfect.

No, no, not a month, Jen.

All right, then. Three and a half weeks. Listen, hold on, Mum.

Hi, Paul. Hi. Listen, just give me a second. Mum, I'm sorry. I've got to go.

love you, all right?

Give Dave a kiss. Here's Mal. All right, bye.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Jen, come here.

Maureen, hi.

How are you? Looking forward to your visit.

Oh, Mal, look, I just need to sort out my... Yeah, look, Maureen, I'm here, I'm

here, I'm here. Well, OK, OK.

I just want to run through some dates. You see, the thing is, I'm arriving

weeks earlier than planned.

I know it's a shock, but, well, the thing is, Dave passed away last

week, and I just can't be here on my own without him, so...

I re -booked. Is that OK?

Yeah, no, I'm here. I'm here.

Well, I mean, is that OK? I mean, what will Jed think?

Eh? No, it's great. She'll love it. She'll love it. Look, Maureen, I'm

sorry, but I've got a meeting and I'm running late, so I've got to go.

OK? Lots and lots.

We'll see you soon. Take care. Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye.

This will be the new family area once the current residents have moved to

Lakeside View. It's gorgeous.

I ain't going.

What difference does this all make to the RV capacity?

Ten new plots.

Great. And a cafe?

Not sure. We don't want to overextend too early.

No, you need a cafe. Trust me, it'll be the best investment you make.

Really? Okay.

Well, we'll think about it. Thanks, Paul.

No problem. Brian, what's your marriage malfunction?

I ain't going.

So, uh, how's the move to Lakeside actually going?

You're not going?

I ain't going. What the hell are you doing?

Cleaner broke my chair.

Get in your trail, let's go.

I ain't going.

I ain't going. Change is never easy.

So, with the relocation of our existing residence, we can create ten new RV

plots. specifically aimed at the upmarket drive -thru holidaymaker.

Cool. Just what every RV owner wants. So phase two can start as soon as the

finance is in place, which is where you come in. And, well, we've got all the

figures there.

Uh, no.

We can't help with that.

You've got no credit history.

Okay,

um... How do I go about getting credit history?

Well, you need credit, too.

Build up a credit history.

That's kind of why I'm here. You know, this is a bank.

Credit.

Get a loan.

Oh, hey.

I understand. I do.

But you can't get credit without a credit history.

And I can't get a credit history without credit.

You getting the hang of this now?

You're good?

Brilliant.

You just need to give it a bit of time and you'll get used to it.

I don't understand. Troy said that everyone loved the site.

It's an upgrade. It's got a fantastic view.

Well, we've reduced the rent a bit.

Mr. Pemberton, we've got a situation.

Ryan claims there's poison vapors and leeches down by the lake and he wants to

go back.

The lake water's been tested. It's fine, Ryan.

Truth is, Ryan's a pussy.

You don't think I know what's going on, huh?

You think I'm stupid?

You all wondering why Troy's suddenly so keen to move, I'll tell you why.

It's so he can park his RV even closer to poke my wife.

That's the real truth. Ryan, what are you saying?

I gotta apologize, folks. Ryan ain't feeling right.

He ain't been taking his pills. Don't make me out to be some kind of wacko.

Come on, buddy man, take it.

What

was

that?

You're hexed. He just hexed you with an ancient Seminole Indian curse.

Oh, no, I've been hexed.

Call 911.

My dick might fall off.

Thank you, Troy.

Look, everyone, it might take a couple of nights to settle in, but I just know

that...

You're going to love it here.

Aren't they, Mal?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Dang it, what do we do now?

Isn't it exciting?

By the time Mum gets here, the park will be transformed.

Upmarket holidaymakers.

Renovated pool, shaded seats.

Aren't you excited?

No, no, I am excited, yeah. It's just, um... Jen, we need to have a little

What's this?

Oh, um, that's Paul's spa weekend. Great idea, huh? You and me could be doing

stuff like that soon, Mal.

Girlfriend, getaway, pamper and spa. Seriously?

Jen, I think Paul is encouraging us to overspend.

Paul knows this business.

I really value his input and advice.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, what's that supposed to mean?

Look, the point is, I just want Mum to enjoy herself.

So, look, I just want you to promise me one thing. Jen, I will. We're not going

to fall out over Mum. Because you know what happens. She winds you up and then

you start. No, me. She winds you up. Oh, come on. You're always having a go at

her. I think you'll find, actually, that she's always having a go at me. Sorry,

sorry, sorry. Relax.

Look, Mal, I just... I just need you to promise me that it'll all be OK, OK?

So, you know, just say it.

And just say, OK, OK.

It's all going to be OK.

OK? You're right. Well, it's going to be great.

It's going to be great. It's going to be great. It's going to be great.

Can't you see?

What the hell are you doing out here? I got to go all the way out to the swamp

to get a signal.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I was just out here making sure that everybody else was okay.

I think maybe Ryan was right about the leeches.

You look like a candy bar.

It's the humidity. It sets my asthma off.

I couldn't breathe all night long.

Poisonous vapors. What did I say?

They sent us down here to die.

Take your meds and shut up, Brian. We don't need your negativity down here in

this new territory.

Who actually slept?

Not me.

Slept like a baby.

You did not, Troy Marshall. I called him out here by the lake.

It was hard during. I was getting a little air.

You were trembling and flying.

Are you kidding me?

Heartburn? All right, all right. I was spooked.

And you were calling me a pussy?

I got a doo -doo.

Shut me up. I got a doo -doo. I was next.

I am doo -dooing.

I get a good feeling.

Yeah.

I get a feeling that I never, never knew. I never had to. Oh, no, no. I get

good feeling. Yeah.

Hello.

Kiss Me Sunshine Park. Gem Pepperton speaking. How can I help you?

Hello, Mum. Hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to Skype you tonight.

Sorry?

Sorry, when?

When are you coming?

Oh! Oh, right, OK.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell is going on? What are you doing? You can't stay here. This land is

taken. It's not going to work, Mr. Pemberton.

It is a medical nightmare down there.

We've got breathing difficulties.

We've got rheumatism. We have psychosis, maybe even that dinghy fever.

And some say that the mosquitoes have mutated their biggest golf balls.

With respect, Aidan, I think you're overreacting a little bit. I mean,

got to go back, guys. We've got a crisis here. If I don't triple my income in

the next two months, this park is sunk.

I mean, it's well and truly over.

Hello?

She's coming on Friday.

Mum! Mum!

Maureen! She brought the date forward and she told you and you said it was

and you didn't tell me!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my... Back here.

Yeah.

It's been a bit of a change of plan.

Rory! Welcome. How was your journey?

Come in.

Mal?

Mum nearly got arrested at the airport. Turns out Freddie's been telling her a

pack of lies about how awesome the park is, and she wants to go home. Just don't

say, welcome to America.

Welcome to America!

Mush! Mush! Come here, I'm rolling out.

So, Mal, how was your trip?

Oh, well, I liked the flying.

But when I got here... They opened my suitcase in front of everyone and asked

how much money I had.

Oh, what did you say?

Well, I told them it was none of their business.

But then, they led me to a little room and took my fingerprints.

I said, if you think I'm some sort of illegal immigrant, you're wrong.

Frankly, I wouldn't move to your overrated, obese country if you paid me.

Well, never mind, Mum. You're here now, safe and sound, and that's what counts.

And it's lovely to have you.

Yes, I'm looking forward to a cocktail at the Country Club bar and a look round

the petting zoo.

Oh, well, that sounds nice.

What are you planning on doing there?

At Jennifer's Caravan Park.

Freddie's good enough to keep me up to date with all the latest attractions,

aren't you, darling?

Yeah. As in all the awesome attractions that are advertised on our Facebook and

Instagram feed by our social media expert.

A word?

I was only trying to help with that.

So, when do I get to meet the new boyfriend?

Oh, he's in Texas visiting military schools, I'm afraid. Oh, does that mean

not very intelligent?

Anne!

What's wrong with Miami?

We can't let her see the park. She'll call social services and take the kids

back to England.

I know it's a bit of a stretch for us, Mal, but she deserves a treat and it

solves all our problems. Jen, we just can't afford flights to Miami.

So we'll drive.

Cars are bloody gas guzzler. Miami hotels are ridiculous.

I mean, do the kids really need to go? Mal, she's flown 4 ,000 miles to see her

grandchildren.

Yeah, I know, I know. And I want her to have a great time, too. It's just, you

know...

Just don't eat out.

I know.

We'll do Paul's girlfriend's getaway pamper and spa weekend. It's the least

can do.

What? You are joking.

You can't pamper Maureen. I mean, it'd be like massaging a porcupine. Don't

insult my mother.

You do.

She's my mother. I'm her daughter. I'm supposed to.

And her daughter.

Oh, look, please stop calling me Mo. It's Maury. Oh, Maury. Come on.

Bye.

Bye. See you later.

Have a lovely day. Have a nice time. Don't worry about us or anything. We're

just, um... Whatever.

Hey, don't worry, Dad.

We can watch football and leave the washing up.

No, it's his son.

Yeah, well, there are some mistakes on the Facebook page.

Yeah, well, you need to know that the petting zoo is no longer a thing.

Weddings?

No, sorry, we don't do weddings. That shouldn't be on there.

Hi, this is Mel Pemberton. I'm the owner of the RV park, yeah.

We do do weddings, absolutely.

Always have done. Sorry, my son was a little confused.

Yeah, this afternoon.

Sure, yeah, we could show you around the park. Yeah.

Okay. Great. We'll see you then. Thank you. Thanks. Bye -bye. Bye.

You, my son, are a ruddy bloody genius.

That's it.

Mum, we're here.

Oh.

Oh, it's not as big as I imagined.

No, Mum, no. This is our friend's park.

We're here for the Girlfriend Getaway event, remember?

I've booked an all -inclusive camper day.

What do you think?

Oh, well, I thought we were going to your caravan park.

I'm Serenity, and this is Malachi, and we want to get married.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Oh.

Okay.

Yeah, well, let's start by showing you around, yeah?

Let's start down here.

So, anyway...

No,

we've even got our own...

for a facial.

What's that for next?

Not for me.

Most people choose to have their ceremony under our wishing tree.

We've already had a couple of weddings here.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it worked a treat. Oh, my gosh. Really?

Cheers. Cheers.

Good to see you.

Afraid I'm the guy with the bill.

It's just a few extras that don't come with the package you booked.

Oh, right, okay, so that's for the massage.

Oh, right, so the oils were extra. Right, and the cocktails are quite

Well, the mud and water used today has been naturally sourced.

Well, yes, I mean, that would make sense.

Uh, sorry.

Payment's been refused.

What do you mean it's been refused?

There must be a mistake. Please try again.

Doesn't seem to be working out. I just need to talk to my boss.

So you could have the actual ceremony by the beautiful old wishing tree, and

then everybody could process up here for the reception and after party.

Perfect. And...

Oh, getting married under a tree is so romantic, and I love how quiet and calm

it is.

You gonna do a beer run, Ryan?

No way, asshole.

Ryan, you gotta take your medication, get yourself better attitude.

It's all doable.

I just know that we can give you guys the day you've always dreamt of.

So, when were you thinking?

We had a cancellation due to religious differences. The church burned down.

There was a fire at the venue and we had to cancel.

So, the wedding's tomorrow evening?

Okay. So, you said about 100 guests?

So, seating, lighting, catering and bar, after -party DJ.

Tomorrow.

That's going to come in at $300 per person.

Including sales tax.

Yep. Cool.

Great. Great. So what we need from you is a deposit into our bank account by 2

.m. today for $10 ,000.

Yep. Cool.

Can I just say that you guys are so not going to regret this. This is going to

be the most, truly, the most incredible wedding day.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. $30 ,000.

I was good, but you were massive.

Right, listen up, everybody.

I'm offering an hourly rate of 12 bucks, but I only want people who are going to

work hard and not moan.

Any takers?

Me!

Good, right.

We need to erect a small stage, so there are pallets around by the back of the

office. Freddie, you're on sound and lighting.

Pastor, I want you to learn the wedding vows right. I need you to do a booze

run. Aidan, head of design.

I can do catering and bartending.

Want steaks at a wedding?

Take it or leave it. I'll take it.

Oh, come on, then. What are you waiting for? Mush, mush, mush!

I'll help you, Aidan. I'm the designer.

What am I going to do? This is so embarrassing. Ah, yes, you. Come on,

get you exfoliated. Everybody loves exfoliation.

Scrub away that dead, dry skin and let that body breathe.

Thank you, Roger, but no, no, no.

Mum, we came here for you. Can you not just bloody well relax and enjoy

for once, for God's sake?

Relax!

into your bits. We'll get rid of bingo wings.

Oh, please, will you just sit down?

No, no, I refuse to have a nice sodding day because, one, I haven't got enough

money to pay for a chiropody appointment. That's a load of biotech

Two, I wouldn't pay for it anyway.

Why didn't you ring me, Rhoda?

Jen, how you doing, gorgeous?

Tina.

And you must be Maureen.

I just wanted to say welcome and what an honor it is to have you here.

Now, listen, you're all my special guests, okay?

So all your treatments are in the house.

Oh, no, Paul. Hey, come on.

It's my pleasure.

And I'd like to put you up for the night.

Seriously, I have this huge house where you all get en suite.

Paul, honestly, we can't. Hey, I'm thinking of Maureen here.

Forgive me, Maureen, but I imagine you must be worn out and can't be doing all

this.

A bit of quiet, privacy.

Why are you relaxed by the pool with your family?

How does that sound?

Oh, it sounds wonderful, Paul.

Thank you.

Oh, Mum.

Let's not think about it now.

Oh, dear.

For the last three months, I knew he wasn't right.

When I talked to him, he would just stare out of the window.

And he was off his food.

Oh, Mum.

Why didn't you tell me David died?

Well, I told Mal, but...

I couldn't really talk about it on the phone.

Come on, Glenn.

Here's to Dave. Dave, rest in peace.

To Dave.

Maureen, honey, I am so sorry, but this could be the beginning of a whole new

life for you. And I will teach you how to swipe right.

Uh, Rhoda?

Dave was a leopardoodle.

Here you go, lady.

Hello. Hi, Mal.

Listen,

why didn't you tell me that Dave had died?

Dave's dead.

It's terrible. Poor Maureen.

Listen, will you pass on my condolences? Yeah, and the credit card was maxed

out, so I was publicly humiliated.

Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Must be the same card we use for the Lakeside

Immigrants. But, um, hey, fear not, because...

You, Tina and Maureen can treat yourself to whatever you want.

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's OK. Paul sorted it all out.

What do you mean, Paul sorted it out?

Well, he offered to pay for the spa treatments and he's putting us up in his

massive mansion while having lobster and champagne.

Yeah, well, it's probably just as well you're not here because, I mean, we are

really busy organising a high -end wedding thing, you know. We're 100

we're going to be working through the night anyway.

Jen, I've got to go. I've got to give Freddie a hand. Talk soon, OK? Bye, bye.

Come on, come here.

It's going to be perfect, isn't it, Valentine?

Mr.

Pemberton, can I ask you a favor?

Yeah, of course.

Go ahead.

I'm just going to come out with it because you've got kind eyes and I trust

Would you...

consider walking me down the aisle and giving me away.

It's just my dad is kind of indisposed at the moment, and I just... Is it too

crazy?

No, no, no. I mean, what would your mother think? Oh, she's totally cool

it.

Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah, why not? I mean, yeah, be an honour.

Thank you. Okay.

Oh, and by the way, it's a vampire wedding.

Sorry, vampire.

That's fancy dress for the after party.

No, the whole ceremony.

A vampire wedding for vampires.

Vampires are so sexy.

Yes, yes. I've got costumes and accessories in the car.

This is just wrong.

I've got to go more pagan.

Hey, Paul.

Hey, you.

Thank you for the meal, for putting us up for everything.

It's so generous of you. You've really saved the day.

Mum's dog died recently. She's been very upset and so... Hey, no problem.

No, you have got to relax.

The family -friendly park is on its way. Ten new plots and... Ah, you're not

telling me Mal's messed it up. Oh, no, no, no, no. It's just, you know, I've

to take a bit of a break because Mum's been here and... Look.

He's very lucky to have such a competent business partner.

Seriously, I mean, without your help and support... Wow, Mum!

Woo, well done, Mum!

Go, Maureen!

It's confident we have a wave machine!

Look, it isn't bad!

Oh!

Oh!

I'm glad you're tight.

So, uh...

What do you two kids do for a living?

I work in tech, and, uh, Serenity's a phlebotomist.

So was it, uh, love at first bite, or, uh, is he a pain in the neck?

I'm glad you find it amusing that vampirism isn't some random lifestyle

It's a condition.

I have an energy problem and a sensitivity to sunlight.

I'm not immortal.

I mean, that'd be silly.

But I am a nocturnal predator.

A nocturnal predator.

Let's, come on.

Are you aware that vampires don't blink?

You want to try a blink test on me?

Troy, your meat's here.

Come on, this is no time for sitting around.

He didn't blink. Not one time.

It's not humanly possible, is it?

Eh? He didn't blink.

I think you need some medication.

You think I'm going to take my medication while you're poking my damn

take it, asshole.

I'm thinking it needs a little more juice.

Hey, hey.

All right, what do we got?

Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary mix.

Troy, get you some, son.

Mmm.

That's good.

There you go.

Hey, you got to try it.

Look like a mirror and a blood stain on my bed.

Look like a mirror and a blood stain on my bed.

Oh, you're a vampire, baby. Come and walk in my bed.

Oh, you're a vampire, baby. Come and walk in my bed.

brothers and sisters of the night we are gathered here in the moonlight

to witness the bloody and binding vows of two vampires

beware when creatures of the night choose a mate they

do so for all eternity do you Malachi Smith

swear to give serenity like freely of your life's blood forever?

I do.

And do you, Serenity Lake, swear to give Malachi Smith freely of your life's

blood forever?

I do.

You may bite the bride.

Dick, twist on Backmorey.

Twist.

She's a killer, your mum. She's taking me apart.

Uh -oh.

Uh -oh. Bubble caresses. One good moment.

What are we doing here, love?

Oh, you're having the time of your life.

Cards, pool, champagne.

We could do all this at your place.

No, we couldn't. I wanted to tell you, mum, but our RV park...

Isn't anything like Paul's? I mean, there's nothing like Paul's. We haven't

a country club, a cocktail bar... Yeah, you're a petting zoo.

But of course not. I'm not stupid.

You've only just started.

But we've left Mal and Freddie sweating away building a business whilst we

fraternise with the enemy.

Enemy? I think Paul's been really generous to you, Mum. That's not for me.

He just wants to get his proverbial leg over.

Please excuse my language, Rhoda. Mum, I can't believe you just said that. That

is so rude and so wrong.

What is?

What's wrong?

Oh, Gran's just cheating at cards.

Gran, you are so wild.

Oh.

Mum,

Paul is my business colleague. Tell her, Rhoda.

I kind of have to go with Maureen on this.

Hey.

This is nice.

I think you're beginning to chill at last.

She needs to relax, doesn't she, Maury?

How about a midnight swim?

Do you know what, Paul?

I think we'd better go home.

What? Yeah, it's my fault. I forgot my pill.

You don't want a stroke on your hand. Thank you, Paul.

Tina! What? Come on, we're off.

Rhoda took some sense into them.

It's time to go, honey.

Look, where are you going? Ladies!

Oh, come on, one more game.

Jen!

Serenity is my heart, my soul, and now at last, she is my wife.

And Mr. Pemberton, we are so very grateful that you showed an open mind

us get married here.

Well, you know, I'd just like to say, you know, whoever you are, whatever you

drink or eat, whoever you dress, whoever you dress,

You'll always be welcome in this park, okay?

And just a few words of advice about marriage.

She's always right.

Yeah? Yeah?

So the only word you need to know is yes.

Remember that.

Have a great evening, everybody.

Enjoy.

Hey, Troy, you all right there, buddy?

You're looking a little bit sweaty.

I got a bad feeling, man.

We're a group changer.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing, dude.

Seriously, something's off.

Let me get you a refill.

Here you go.

Drink up, buddy.

Hey, Mom, doesn't it look brilliant?

He tried to put a stake through my heart.

It doesn't get any better than this.

It's a bit weird.

Oh, hi, Jane.

I'm Maureen.

Oh, God.

I've missed you.

why you thought I wouldn't like your caravan park, love.

It may be no frills, but it's lived in.

No -one wants to leave, and that's because it feels like home.

Of course, it would be a whole lot better with a petting zoo.

Eh, DJ Freddy?

Yeah, Gran, but no -one listens to me.

Thanks, Mum.

And thanks for looking after us yesterday.

Don't know what you're talking about, love.

Oh.

Oh, my God, someone get that man a blood transfusion. Oh, God, Dan, I can't

actually look at you.

Please, nobody shout, all right? I'm having random flashbacks. I actually

I might die.

You play your pay, Malcolm.

That's a bit harsh, Maureen.

Especially directed at a man who's just banked 30K.

What? What? Let me see.

He has two?

You are a very fine entrepreneur.

Father of a genius, only maybe a Disney -themed event next time.

Hey, and guess what? Mum loves the park.

Really? Yeah, it's got a lot of character.

Although I do think the way you tried to force senior citizens to move to a

swamp is absolutely outrageous.

They were telling me all about it last night. Mum, it is not a swamp. It's

actually a beautiful lakeside.

Wow.

Maureen, have I got a little red mark on my neck just around here?

Not really, love, but then I haven't got my lenses in.

Really?

I could have sworn I was bitten by a vampire last night. Oh!

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Come on, give us a little kiss.

Come on!

No!