All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S17E03.1080p.x265-ELiTE_track3_[eng]

[paramedic 1] Don't think
this guy's gonna make it.
You hear me?

[paramedic 2]
Did you have an OPA.

[paramedic 1]
Breathing's irregular and weak.

- [paramedic 2]
Responsive to pain?
- [paramedic 1] Not at all.

Sir, can you hear me?
His lips are super red.

[paramedic 2] Purple cyanosis.

- Super diaphoretic.
- [paramedic 1]
Sweating like a pig.

- What happened to this guy?
- We don't know this guy
from Adam.

We've never seen him
before at all.
He's a total outsider.

I never saw him before
in the bar at all.

His goddamn heart just stopped
for no reason.

Not no reason.
You gave him a hot pepper.

Don't...
They don't have to know that.

- Never mind that!
- It was a totally
unrelated incident.

- Never mind that.
- Who was that guy anyway?

Man, just like some random dude
who walked in here
off the streets.

- [Frank] Yeah.
- Well, we are an open bar.

I thought he was, like,
a jazzman.

I mean, he had a ponytail.
He had a piano-key tie.

So I pranked him
with a ghost pepper.

You'd think that a jazzman
would be more accustomed
to spices, you know?

- Right?
You'd think he'd be fine.
- Yeah, he just dropped...

- Here you go, Frank.
One smash burger.
- Oh.

It's about time.

Okay.

Ooh.
Somebody dying or something?

Random jazzman.

Really? Just wandered right in
off the streets? No reason?

We are an open, working bar.

Sorry. Wh-What's with
the food delivery here?

Oh. I'm, uh,
doing a Postmates thing
as a side gig.

- On a bike? [chuckles]
- [Charlie] Uh. No, no.

Yeah, no, sorry, uh. I-I mean,
why are you ordering food
from Dee, Frank?

You don't like the burgers
that I've been making
in the apartment?

What? I wanted a smash burger.

You don't think I can
make a burger and smash it?
I'll smash a burger for you.

What the hell, Frank? A 5% tip?

Pedal faster.
It's cold as shit.

- [Dee] Goddamn it.
- [chuckles]

They're taking him
to the hospital.

Good job, guys! Good luck!

Yes, uh, great work, fellas.
Uh, thank you for your service.

That guy's gonna sue
the shit out of me.

- That's not good, man.
- [door closes]

Hey, did anybody else get,
like, a crazy rush
from that experience?

I did.

[stammers] It's nice to have
a little action around here, right?

The way those EMTs, like,
fire in and they fire out
with all the lights

- and the sirens, saving lives.
- It's awesome.

[Dennis] You know,
it's as close to playing God
as you can get, you know?

And the lifestyle.
There's an appeal
to it for sure.

The lifestyle. Yeah,
the whole thing is a vibe,
and I am here for it.

- Me too. It's sexy.
- [chuckles] Yeah, sexy.

You know that they bang
the doctors and the nurses, right?

Of course they do.
Of course they do.
Are you kidding me?

The lifestyle is spicier
than one of Frank's
ghost peppers.

Mac, come here for a second.

Go with me here, but, uh,
I'm sensing an opportunity,

and I'm gonna float something
by you that I think is a

very reasonable proposition.

[Mac] Hmm.

[♪ theme song plays]

Oh.

Uh...

You're not cake, are you?

Nah. It's just a joke
between me and the guys...

Uh... [mutters] Something.

Anyway, I came over here to say
I'm sorry because...

Well, y-you know,
actually, it's not my fault.

Well, sure,
I gave you a hot pepper
and you had a heart attack,

but, you know,
I-I kind of attribute
that to the...

you know, the jazzman lifestyle
more than the pepper.

Eh? Just checking
about the cake thing.

[chuckles] You never know
with those guys.

Well, well, well.

The Lawyer.
What's with the getup?

It's not a getup.

It's an eye patch from
when I was attacked by a bird.

Gruesome.
I wish I'd have seen that.

You did see it.

I don't remember.

You don't remember
being present in a court of law

while a wild animal
pecked out someone's eye?

Can you be more specific?

Oh.

I'll be more specific, Frank.

I'm here looking for clients,
and I just found one.

You just admitted
to causing this man
grievous harm,

and I am going
to take you down.

- I'm innocent.
- You literally
just admitted it.

- I was lying.
- To a man in a coma?

- I thought he was cake.
- Okay.

I'll see you in court, Frank.

Shit.

This is great, buddy.
Frankly, I think we should've
done it years ago.

Agreed.
This is the perfect complement

- to our fast-paced lifestyle.
- I think so too.

Plus, I really feel like
we should know how to do CPR,
you know?

Yes. Yes.

Hey. Uh, pepper?

And what do we have here?

Well, the incident
with the jazzman
got me thinking about peppers,

getting peppers back
into my life.

You know?
Peppers spice everything up

from... from tacos
to talk shows.

[chuckles] That's cute.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
I like where your head's at,

but I think really
it's maybe a matter of dosage.

Like we-we shouldn't
eat a whole pepper.

We saw what happened
to the jazzman.

I'm thinking maybe microdosing
is the way to go.

- Microdose. Explain.
- Yep.

Well, instead of taking
100% of the dose
10% of the time,

we take 10% of the dose
100% of the time.

That is scientifically
more better.

- Wanna try it?
- Yeah.

All right,
just take a little nibble.

Just a little...
a little micro, huh?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.
And then we just need to repeat

- that dosage all day
and all night.
- Absolutely. That's good.

I'm getting a little heat,
but it's not too much heat.

No. I definitely don't need
more than that,
know what I mean?

- No. I'm gonna need more
in 15 minutes.
- Well, sure.

[instructor] Okay. [chuckles]

- Speaking of spicy...
- [instructor]
How's everyone doing?

...things just got
a little caliente .

[instructor] Hello, class,
and welcome.

I wanna congratulate you all
for making a decision

to pursue a career
in this field.

[Dennis, Mac moaning, groaning]

Are you two guys all right?

- Yeah.
- Uh, yeah.

Yeah, all good. All good.
Uh, and may I, uh,
compliment you on your uniform?

The snugness, uh,
really accentuates
your physique.

If-If that's okay to say.

Uh... It's not,
but let's continue, huh?

Uh, if you don't mind,
can we skip to the fun parts?

- You're not even letting me
get started.
- [blows]

Sorry. My, uh, my partner here,
he's just excited
to save lives.

Okay. Well, I applaud you
for your enthusiasm,

- but let's stay on track here,
huh? Now...
- [Dennis moaning]

- [groans] Um...
- Yes?

When I just referred
to the gentleman
to my right as my partner,

I meant in medicine,
not in life.

In life, I am very much single.

[chuckles] That's great,
but I wanna start this class
right now, okay?

[grunts] Oh, God.
I-I tell you, man,
I think I got the dosage off.

I think I ate
a little bit too much.

[chuckles] Less is more.
That's on me.

- The what?
- The hot peppers.

Uh, when do we cover
the dosing,
the pepper dosing in the class?

I don't know
what you're even talking about,

but I tell you what,
let's talk about CPR.

- Oh, I'd like to volunteer.
- No, I don't... [chuckles]

- You're already getting up.
All right.
- I'm so sorry.

It's so much spicier
than I thought.

Now, when we get
to the chest compressions,

should I take your shirt off
or should you take mine off?

No shirts come off.

Actually, I'd love
to take my shirt off.
I'm getting pretty sweaty.

- Can we start
with the dummies, please?
- Okay.

And hands go like so,
and we want to start
with compressions to the song,

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha
Staying alive ♪

- Let me give it a shot.
Do you mind?
- You wanna step in?

Actually, I'd love
to step in here
and see this thing.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

- How's this?
- Ah.

That's-That's-That's
a little too fast.

And you see, class,
I'm increasing the rate
of compressions

to ensure maximum blood flow.

- Class, don't listen to him.
- [chuckles] It's so hot!

Now, class, you'll notice
I am still finding a rhythm.

That is way too fast.

[chuckles] Well, somebody
doesn't understand double time.

You see, I'm pushing
to a much spicier song.

Is everyone familiar
with the Gipsy Kings's
"Bamboléo"?

Ah! An excellent choice,
very spicy.

Speaking of spice,
I brought plenty
of peppers for everyone.

[♪ "Bamboléo"
by the Gipsy Kings plays]

Gosh, that damn lawyer
is gonna jam me the hell up.

- Yeah.
- [Frank] Hang on.

Maybe I should slip him
a ghost pepper.

Yeah, well, that's a good idea.

All right, uh,
chili flakes, please.

Wait. What?

[Charlie] I-I need
the chili flakes, please.
See them?

- Yeah, I see 'em.
- "Yes, Chef."

- What?
- Say, "Yes, Chef."

Why?

Because the stakes are, uh,
very high, you know,
this is high-stakes stuff.

Stakes of what?

The cooking!
It's-It's life-and-death stuff, man.

- I need you to say,
"Yes, chef."
- You know what you should do?

You should cook up
an extra spicy meal.
Really, really spicy.

And I'll give it to The Lawyer.
I'll trick him into eating it.

And then if he's not admitted
to the hospital,

it would prove
that I'm innocent.

Okay, what if he dies?

Win-win either way, right?

- All right. [grunts]
- Oh!

- Try that, baby! [chuckles]
- Good smash.

- Smashed it good!
- Really?

You know how to do that?

Yeah,
it's a brick-based medium.

- Look at that.
- Yeah, that's my favorite part.

What do you think?
Same as a smash burger, right?

- It's great!
- Well, I added
a little extra spice.

- Oh, yeah. I can feel it.
- I've been microdosing myself.

- Hey, yo. Here we go, Frank.
- Yeah, it goes right up.

Your smash burger.

- No, you're too late.
- Yeah. Oh, sorry about that.

That's because I got smashed
by a Prius. [chuckles]

- Ooh. Yeah.
- [Dee] Whoops! Yeah.

- I need some shin guards,
I think.
- Yeah, looks bad.

[Dee] Yeah,
it doesn't feel as bad.

Well,
Charlie already made me one,
so you get no tip.

- Charlie made you that?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's basically
the same exact thing
as that smash burger.

- Really good.
- Ho-Hold on a second.

- What else can you make?
- I can make anything.
You kidding me?

Okay. Well, hold on.
I'm-I'm getting an idea here.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What if you help me spice up
my job a little bit, right?

And we make this sort
of a ghost kitchen situation.

We do it right here.
I keep my work central,

but I really get to crank out
the orders a lot faster.

Okay, I like it.
I'll do this for you, Dee.

I will, but you gotta
promise me something.

You gotta say,
"Yes, chef," "No, chef,"

"On your left, chef,"
"Corner, chef."

These kind of things.
It's gotta work that way, Dee.

- It's gotta work that way.
- Why would I say
any of those things?

'Cause we're cooking food.

- Yep, just food.
- It's good.

Doesn't seem
like that big of a deal.

It's the most serious thing...

- that has ever--
- Yes, chef.

- Yes, chef.
- Yeah?

- Don't care. Yep.
- Isn't that great?

Wait, wait, wait.
Dee, before you go,

wanna spice up your bike ride
with a habanero?

- Coming through.
Coming through!
- [horns honking]

On your left, bitch. [screams]

- [tires screech]
- [horns honking]

[Dee] Yo! Look out. Look out.
Look out. Look out, bitch!

Move it, boner.

Goddamn. Ooh!

[tires squeal]

[chuckles] Buddy,
getting a refund
on those classes

and spending it
on a decommissioned ambulance
was the way to go.

The illegality
of what we're doing
is spicy enough to get me off.

And speaking of spice,
I think we should up the dose.

I think we should cool it
on the peppers
for a little bit.

I mean, you take too much
of those things and you can go
temporarily blind.

- Blind? That's crazy.
No, you can't.
- Y-Yes, you can.

[dispatcher] Zebra 3? Zebra 3?
You anywhere near 2nd and Race?

Got a woman
with an injury on the sidewalk.

Second and Race?
That's like a block away.

- Yeah.
- Maybe we should answer it.

- Well, here's one issue.
- What?

- We are not EMTs.
- Right.

[EMT] This is Zebra 3.
We are 20 out.
Go to closer unit.

[dispatcher] It's only
a turned knee

and a run to St. Mercy's.
I'm sure she can wait.

This is Flaming Pepper,
new truck on the rotation.

We're only about a block away.
We're gonna stop by.

[dispatcher] Roger that,
Flaming Pepper.

I'll let her know
you're on the way.

- [chuckles]
- What are you doing?

I don't know. I mean, look,
what could be spicier
than answering a call?

Plus, it's only a hospital run.
No big deal.

I am intrigued
that it's a woman.

Pop a pepper and let's go?

You know what? Let's do it.

But let's-let's cool it
on the peppers, all right?
Let's be professional.

We'll-We'll take some peppers
afterwards.

Professional. You got it.

[siren wailing]

- [Mac imitating siren wailing]
- [chuckles]

[both imitating siren wailing]

That's probably enough
of the...

- It's doing it on its own.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- [siren wailing]
- [EMT radio chatter]

[siren stops]

- [Mac] Ma'am?
- How we doing over here, ma'am?

What seems to be the problem?

This crazy woman jumps the curb
on her bicycle

yelling nonsense
about hot peppers.

I think I twisted my knee.
It might be sprained.

- Ugh. It's terrible.
- [woman] Yeah.

Uh, ma'am, would you,
uh, excuse us
for one quick second?

- Come talk to me over here.
- Yeah.

- Did you pepper up?
- No.

- Yes, you did.
- No.

- [sighs] Okay,
I just had a little bit o--
- Goddamn it.

Now you're not
microdosing anymore.

You've slipped
into macrodosing.

- Macrodosing.
- Yeah.

That's cool
'cause it's my name.

[grunts] All right. Damn it.
You know what?

Give me a little bit.
'Cause I feel like
I'm dipping a little.

Just a little, dude.

I'm not going
to macrodose or anything. But,
you know, a little something.

- Yeah.
- Oh, God.
Man, that is the stuff.

But it's a mild heat, right?

- Holy shit. All right. Okay.
- Oh, yeah. It's good.

Let's save this bitch.

Uh, ma'am. [sniffles] I think
what you've got there
is a sprain.

Uh, you're gonna... [grunts]
...not wanna put
anything hot on it.

- Or cold.
- [Dennis] Yeah.
Uh, nothing hot, nothing cold.

Yeah. Lukewarm, really.

Ma'am, you're gonna...
you're gonna wanna keep
that knee lukewarm.

You're gonna wanna take short,
shallow breaths.

[both breathing sharply]

Oh, you know what?
I gotta check her
for a concussion

- because I feel like
she's acting crazy.
- I-I-I didn't hit my head.

- Just lay back and--
- [woman stammers]

Oh, God. [screams]

Oh, my eye is burning.
Was there something
on your thumb?

It's probably unrelated.

Uh, ma'am.
You're becoming
a bit hysterical.

Why don't I do
some chest compressions on you.

You wanna pop
that sweater off?

What?
No, I need to rinse my eye.

Well, the sweater needs
to come off.

- Yeah,
let's make her unconscious.
- Why?

I feel like
this is becoming a whole thing.

- What?
- Okay, ma'am,
we're gonna get you

- to the hospital right now.
- [woman groans]

Dude, this is incredible.
I feel so alive.

[both chuckle]

She definitely wants
to bang me, dude.

- [chuckles] Yeah, I think so.
- Don't you think? Yeah.

[siren blares]

[♪ "Bamboléo" plays]

Yo. Order up. Let's go.

Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

[siren wailing]

Wow.

Whoo.

- Whoo!
- Whoo.

- [grunting] Goddamn it.
- [Mac] I got it.

- Hey. Wow, he's okay.
- Hey.

- [siren wailing]
- [meter blaring]

- [Dee] Move!
- [pedestrian screams]

You dumb bitch.

- [horn honks]
- Whoo.

- Yeah! All right.
- [meter blaring]

These are
the Chipotle burritos.

Chipotle burritos.
Yes, chef. [grunts]

How's the spice pot?

Spice pot is

spicy but needs more peppers.

Peppers coming up.
More peppers.

- Here we go.
- I needed a "Yes, chef" there.

- Yes, chef. Yes, chef.
- Yes, chef. Yes, chef!

- [meter blaring]
- [siren wailing]

Come on. Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Let's go.

[Mac] Go, go, go, go, go, go.

[♪ "Bamboléo"
continues playing]

[siren wailing]

I don't know.
I don't think
he's gonna make it.

- Looks like he's gonna die.
- He's going in and out,
isn't he?

- Should we pepper?
- You want some pepper, sir?

Goddamn it. Hands!
I need hands!

- Let's do it. Let's go.
- [Mac] Go, go, go,
go, go, Frank.

- Go. Put the burger down. Go!
- [Dee] Come on, Frank. Come on!

[Charlie, Frank grunting]

Hot fries.
Hot fries. Hot fries.

- [Mac, Dennis coughing]
- [tires screech]

Sir. [sniffles] Are you okay?

I think we gotta do
compressions, man.

Compressions, go.

Whoo! [grunts]

Come on. Pick it up, grandpa.

- Whoo! Oh, God! It's all seeds.
- [meter blaring]

It's all seeds.

- [siren continues]
- [Mac imitating siren]

[song ends]

- [Charlie] Order up. [sighs]

We did it, Charlie.
This chili is maxed out.
I mean, I gotta go.

Oh, what? What? No.
[stammers] You can't go.
Come on, I got orders, bud.

[stammers]
I gotta go trick The Lawyer.

Come on, I need my expediter.

[Charlie] What?
I'll be in here all by myself?

Come on, Frank,
I need you, buddy.

- Hey, yo! There he is.
- Oh!

- What do you got for us, buddy?
- [Charlie] Oh.

- Anything for my
first responders.
- [Mac grunts]

- [Charlie cheering]
- My guy. My guy. My guy.
Hey! All right.

Whoo-hoo! [grunting]

- Oh, yeah.
- That's hot.

[screams]

Getting high
on your own supply over there?

- [Charlie laughs]
- You mind?

Yeah.
Well, I'm in the weeds, boys.

You know,
I need it just to get by.

How's it going for you fellas?
How's it going out there
in the streets?

Highs and lows.
I don't love the blood.

A lot of blood
in my line of work too.

[chuckles]
Well, there shouldn't be.

Yeah, but you get the finger.
I got Frank once or twice.

- There really shouldn't be--
- It's life-and-death stuff.

Not really though.

- It is for the animals,
I guess. [laughs]
- [Dennis laughs]

I always feel like I could use
a little more action,
you know what I mean?

- [coughs] You want more spice?
- I want more spice.

- [Charlie] Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay. I'm done.

- Pepper me.
- Oh!

Bingo!

Dang, what happened to you?

Oh, bike got smashed
by a crosstown bus.

- Smashing ups everywhere.
- Interesting.

Hey, this-this-this might be
the peppers talking here,
but, um, go with me.

I'm sensing an opportunity
to smash all of these ideas
together...

[gasps] ...and really spice up
our lives.

Now I'm gonna float out
something that I believe
to be...

[pants] ...a very
reasonable proposition.

- [Dee pants, coughs]
- [Charlie coughs]

What is it?

[siren wailing]

Okay, I got two smash burgers
and a side of curly fries.

- On your left!
- Oh, yeah, thank you.

- Thank you what?
- Thank you, chef!

- Corner!
- [tires squeal]

- [tires squeal]
- [horn honks]

[both laughing]

This is the spice
I was looking for, baby!

Oh.

Well, well, well.
Hmm. New office, huh?

Popcorn ceiling,
right next to the highway.
This place is trash.

Mr. Reynolds,
always a pleasure.

I wanna talk about
a settlement.

I bet you do,

because if I were
your attorney,

I would be begging
for the same thing.

But unfortunately for you...

- Whoo!
- ...I am not.

My depth perception
is terrible.

Why?

Because of the goddamn eye.

What happened to your eye?

Are you serious?

Let's talk about this
like gentlemen.

I brought you some chili.

Okay, I'm not eating that.
I'm sure it's poison.

Besides, I ordered for myself.

No, my food's better.

And-And there's nothing
the matter with that chili.

That is tasty chili.

- I-I promise.
- Hey. Lawyer.

- Not now, Dee.
- He Postmated. I'm delivering.

Okay-- I don't want any food
delivered by any of you.

Oh. Guess what, bozo?
I don't care
whether you eat it or not,

but if you don't tip me,
I'm taking out the other eye.

- Eat mine.
- No.

I'll eat some first. Yeah.

- I-I got my own spoon.
- All right, this is bullshit.

If you're not gonna tip me,
I'm eating your lunch.

- Be my guest. I don't care.
- What do you think about this?

[both moaning]

This is delicious.

- [Dee] Yep.
- A little hot. Hot, hot, hot.

Mine too.
Not-Not in temperature

so much as
it's the tiniest bit spicy.

[both mumble]

Really enjoying this
a lot. [pants]

- [chuckling]
- I've got to take a knee.

Oh! Shit, shit, shit, shit.

[groans] How can you possibly
make a burger so spicy?

[both mumbling]

- This is so hot.
- [Dee] You've got to try this.

[The Lawyer chuckling]

- [Frank choking]
- I'll share that with you.

[Dee] Call 911! [screams]

[dispatcher] Got a possible
code W59 in progress
at Snyder and Pattison.

- [Charlie] Pepper?
- Pattison?
That's like right here.

- Pepper? Pepper, anyone?
- Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Yeah. W59? What is that?

- Oh!
- Snake bite.
That's kind of exciting.

Whoa!
That's very interesting to me.

I've always wanted to suck out
snake venom, you know this.

- Flaming Pepper
taking the call.
- Let's take it.

Come on, baby.
We're taking the call.

- [Dee screaming]
- [Frank choking]

Goddamn it. I'm dying.

Oh, come on.

What is it? What's going?
You guys aren't snake bit,
are you?

Dee thought that was
the only way we could get
you guys to come up here.

We said it was a snake bite.

- I was right.
- [The Lawyer] Guys,
this is wonderful.

I have absolutely no idea
what the hell is going on here,

but I guarantee you
it's going to help me
in my suit.

I love watching
all of you fail.

- Cheers.
- [Frank and Dee panting]

[laughs] I got you!

- [Frank laughs]
- What...

What's in that?

That is 100%
juiced Carolina Reaper tea.

- [choking]
- I got him. [chuckles]

[Frank] Got him.
Reaper tea. [chuckles]

[The Lawyer] Somebody...

What's happening to me?

- [The Lawyer choking]
- Are you all right?

We're getting close, guys.
Almost there. Just hang on.

How we looking back there?

He's gonna die!

Bamboléo. Bamboléo. Bamboléo.
Bamboléo. Bamboléo.

Dee, get those fries
out of the fryer, stat.

It just hurts so bad.
You're overspicing
the food, chef.

What are they doing?

- Enough with the orders.
- No, no. Just one more drop.

[Frank] He's gonna die!
Order, order.

- [siren wailing]
- [tires squeal]

[screams]

[groans] Oh, God. It burns!
Oh, shit, it burns!

[Charlie] Goddamn it, Dennis.
You have to yell "corner!"

- [pants] I can't see.
- [Mac] What?

Goddamn it!
I think I overdosed
on the peppers.

I told you
this would happen, Mac.

- [siren wailing]
- [grunts]

I can't see. Goddamn it!
Goddamn you!

[Charlie, Frank screaming]

[Dee] Oh, fuck!

- [siren stops]
- [car alarm blaring]

- [gavel raps]
- [judge] All right,
all right, all right.

I've-I've heard enough.

Joyriding through the city,

serving food without a permit
in an unlicensed ambulance,

all while impersonating
medical professionals.

For what?
Your own twisted amusement?

What have you got to say
for yourself?

I swear
there were other people there.

I was strapped into a gurney.
I passed out.

Uh, they must have put me
in an EMT uniform
and-and-and fled the scene.

Thirty days,
Philly Correctional.

Next case.

[♪ "Bamboléo" plays]

[song ends]