Original subtitles

So now what we do is we pour this in there, and then we have to wait 23

Oh, yeah, it says right here, just long enough to tape a TV show. That's

perfect.

See, then if this turns pink, then that means I'm pregnant.

Oh, boy. Yeah, but if it stays white, then I'm not pregnant. So we just have

wait. Okay.

We're taking the home pregnancy test.

Phoebe thinks she might be pregnant.

I actually think it's me. I think I'm the one who's pregnant.

Really, you judge. Look at the glow about me.

That night threw up this morning.

Anyway, I'm really nervous about being a father because, you know, I... Well,

let's face facts. I've never been one before.

I swear. That's right. Jerry Shankling of Rock Island, Illinois.

Quit writing in and asking for money. I am not your father.

Get off my back.

Okay, let me see if I have this right, honey.

My little baby machine.

If... Okay,

pink means P.

Right. And white means NP, right?

Yeah. Okay. And this is the P.

That's the P. Okay, right.

Okay, well, so I have this one right for sure.

Yeah.

Maybe you can explain something to me. I don't have the guts to ask her, but,

you know, maybe you could write in and tell me, how did she get it in here?

I'm not kidding. I have no clue whatsoever.

I mean, look at the size of this opening.

I couldn't hit this with a scope.

All right.

You know, while we're at it, how come women all go to the bathroom at the same

time? And what's that little part?

That's not a cocktail, you know. No, I knew that. There'd be a little umbrella

in there if there was.

All right.

Here goes.

Okay.

Oh, boy, I hate this waiting.

I hate this opening.

But you know what? I love the opening theme.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Okay. That's right. It says here.

It says here you can't freeze it.

Too bad it would make great party ice cubes.

Room temperature.

Gary, we've got 20 more minutes.

Yeah. Can't you do something to speed this thing up, you know, like you did at

the conception?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're making those little nervous jokes. The conception went great. It

come on, that was hot. As I recall, the smoke detectors went off.

How many of you were smoking?

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

It says the dark blue.

I can't just sit here, Gary.

I'm going to go run a couple laps around the house. I just can't.

Oh, all right.

Well, I'm going to stay here and guard this because, you know, I think it's too

late to get a babysitter now.

So I'll just stay right here.

There's a babysitter.

She doesn't like that joke.

She must be really nervous. If you don't laugh at a babysitter joke, boy, you've

got to be really uptight.

Oh, boy, this father thing's really got me nervous because, you know, who knows

what kind of dad I'll really be.

And I know this is going to be positive, you know.

It's got to be.

My sperm count has fell high. They're eating each other.

Well, I wish Polaroid... would come out with one of these things.

I can't sit here and wait either. She's got the right idea, but I can't jog.

Maybe a banana, a nice banana. That'll calm me down.

You know, the first thing I'm going to do when this series is over is put this

wall back up.

I mean it. I mean it. Maybe you can all help.

I'm so nervous I can't even enjoy a good banana.

Am I kidding?

I got to find out right now if this test is positive.

This is my, oh, look how fast time flies clock.

I got it out of that, oh, so you have your own show catalog.

I couldn't get the, oh, so you have your own hit show catalog, but some of this

stuff. is almost as good.

I'll just set it ahead and then we can find out if this tested.

Did you see my wife's urine?

Oh, man, if I call the cops, then, oh, they'll end up making me pick it out of

lineup.

What happened?

Hey, who are you?

Cut it out, Dad.

Cut it out, Dad?

He said Dad, right?

2008. It's the year 2008.

I must have had this clock set on years, not minutes.

Oh, great. Look, here's the banana I put in here 18 years ago.

These don't smell after five years if I remember my refrigerator when I was

single.

And look at this.

Leonard Smith sweater and some bones.

I've got to figure this out now. I've got to get back to my own time where I

belong.

Hey! Hey!

Hey. Dad, I've got to talk to you about school.

Oh.

Okay, son.

All right.

What seems to be the problem?

It's the same old thing. Oh, that thing?

we took care of that thing, son.

Dad, school's just a big waste of time.

No, that's... Excuse me, son.

Oh, man, I hope that's my clock.

Hey, Mr. Shanley, is your daughter ready?

Oh, man, I have a son and a daughter.

I told you I had a high sperm count.

Ryan, I'll be right there.

Okay, Darcy.

Ryan? Did you... Oh, Ryan.

Well, come right on in, Ryan. You look very nice tonight.

I ought to. It's prom night.

Oh, of course. Prom night.

Of course. It's prom night. No time for me.

Is Mario okay?

Mario? Who's Mario?

Your son. Oh, he's great.

You know, Mr.

Shanley... I never really told you this, but I like Darcy a lot.

Oh, so do I, Ryan. You know, I'm really very proud of her, you know. You should

be. She's a great tennis player.

She's great at sex.

And a great horseback rider.

Did you run that by me again?

Hey, Ryan, don't you look handsome tonight.

Why, thank you, Mrs. S.

Honey, you haven't aged.

You look as beautiful as you used to look.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Darcy will be right out.

Hey, Ryan, why don't you tell Mrs. S what Darcy's good at?

Tenet, sex, and horseback riding.

Oh, I know. We're very proud of her.

Would you like some lemonade?

Yes, please. Okay.

I don't think you heard the whole list.

What are you talking about? Did you hear what he just said? He right crammed in

between the tennis and the horseback riding was sex.

Yeah.

Are you having sex with our daughter? Oh, great sex from what Darcy tells me.

And this is okay with us?

It's just that it doesn't seem... Oh, look.

Oh,

you look beautiful.

And young, very young.

Thanks. Thanks for buying me this dress.

Oh, you're welcome, honey.

I've got this for you.

Thanks.

Hi, sorry we're late. Hi, Aunt Nancy.

Oh, Darcy.

You look so beautiful, Ian. Can you see how pretty Darcy looks?

Hi,

Julian.

How are you doing?

Iggy -fo, Iggy -fo.

He seems extra happy today.

Oh, look.

He's extra happy ever since that nasty Mr. Brick fell out of Gary's ceiling and

hit him on the head.

No more bad thoughts for Uncle Ian. Here you go, honey.

Ian?

Come on, Darcy.

Let's get the prom out of the way.

You two listen to me very carefully. There will be no sex. That's final. I

want to... Period.

I mean it. Mr. Shanling, you of all people.

You're so pioneered the sexual revolution back in the 90s. What a

out of here.

Wait, what?

Thank you for ruining my prom night.

You're a horrible fuck, Gary. Honestly, what's come over you? What do you mean?

This is 1997.

Would you ruin Darcy's prom? I'd like that. You'd think you'd be proud that

everybody wants to have sex with your daughter.

What's wrong with you? You guys are sick.

I mean, I mean really sick.

Mom,

just trying an experiment.

What do you mean an experiment? You apologized to your Uncle Ian. What for?

a bitch.

You go to your room right now. Make me.

Hey, you will not talk to your mother that way. Blah, blah, blah.

Lee, Lee, Lee.

Hey, guys.

Grant Schumacher.

At least somebody cool is here.

Look what I got for you. Speaking of cool, Grant, check out this $50 bill.

Right.

Hey, Gary, how goes it, old man?

Oh, Grant, it's great to see you.

Boy, Grant turned out just as handsome as I thought.

Grant, I wish you wouldn't give... the boy money.

I mean... Hey, how else is he going to buy liquor?

Liquor? That's very funny. I'm serious.

Oh, boo -hoo -hoo. I'm so irresponsible.

Hey, another cool grant. All right.

Hey, Ian.

Nance. Hi.

He seems a lot better.

Yeah. Thanks.

So, how are you? Oh, I'm fine.

Why haven't you called?

Oh, I've been so damn busy, you know.

Grant.

I've missed you.

You're trying to avoid me, aren't you?

No, no, I'm not. Didn't you get those flowers?

I knew this was going to happen.

I never made you any promises.

Oh, you love to hurt me, don't you?

Mom, Mario fed my corsage to the dog.

You fed a corsage? I have a dog.

deal. She wasn't going anywhere.

Hey, could we just sit down and discuss this like a normal family, please?

You know, you guys argue an awful lot. Just settle down. Who are you talking to

me for? She's the one coughing all the time. Oh, right, right. A hon who's been

skipping school for the last three weeks.

Is that true, Mario?

Is that true? I don't have to answer that. You know, I don't need this.

Why are our kids acting like the Zappa kids?

Stupid clock. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Mario, that's my clock.

Mario, that's my clock.

Oh, I hate this effect.

I hate this so much.

You got your clock. Now leave me alone.

Mario, why aren't you going to school?

I hate everyone there, and they hate me, so it worked out well, wouldn't you

say? Hey, I know how that feels. I had my own show once.

Now, listen, Mario, maybe I should go to school and talk to somebody.

You tried that, remember?

Right.

Okay, what do you think I should do?

Would you just leave me alone?

I am not going to leave you alone.

That's why I'm dropping out of school.

No, you're not.

You can't make me go. Yes, I can, Mario.

Oh, I'm scared.

Yeah. You're a quitter, you know that?

All right, I'm a quitter. You are a quitter. Big deal. It is a big deal. You

know, you quit school, you quit arguments.

What's next? You want to just quit life?

Thanks, Dad.

It's a really good idea.

Well, thanks, Donna. I'm really glad we were able to have this talk.

Okay, I'll see you later on.

I just killed my own... son.

Oh, I wish there was some way I could turn back time.

Hello.

I'll just go back in time 30 seconds.

All right, I'm a quitter. Big deal.

You are a quitter. It is a big deal. You know, if

you don't go back to school, I'm going to jump off this roof.

Go ahead. I will.

You think I'm kidding, don't you? I will jump off.

I'll jump, Mario.

Who's stopping you?

Look how close I'm getting.

Okay.

Mario, go back to school. Come on, huh?

Mario, please, please, please, please.

Okay, I'm jumping then.

Okay. For God's sake, say something, Mario.

Big deal.

Like I'm going to kill myself for a gag.

Listen, Mario, just tell me what makes you unhappy.

Take a wild guess. I don't want to guess. I want you to tell me. Come on. I

don't go to dances.

I don't go to parties.

I don't have friends. All right.

I got through it.

Okay? And I'm doing okay.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, you.

Ryan. Mr. Shandling, I've been thinking.

I'd like to take your daughter to the dance, even if I can't have sex with

Oh, that is really sweet.

Well, you guys have a good time, but don't lombada.

That went out of the summer in 1990.

Oh, boy, that's bad news for those movies.

Anna, I'm sorry I'm not Darcy.

Son, come on.

I'm glad you're not. You're unique. I know two people who love you very much.

Yeah, my orthodontist and Mr.

Clearasil.

That's a good one, son.

That's a good one. Isn't that a good one?

Oh, son, you know... I'm going to tell you a secret.

But you've got to promise not to tell anybody else.

Not even Darcy?

Not even Darcy. Just between you and me.

All right?

Okay, come on.

Get your hand on this.

Here

we

are, son.

1990.

So different.

Not really all that different. Look, we still have the same furniture.

And you see that little tube on the little vial on the coffee table?

That's your mother's urine.

Did you bring me back all this way just to gross me out?

No, no, no, no, no. If I was going to gross you out, I could show you

much worse than that.

Yeah, you probably could, couldn't you?

I just wanted to share with you the day when we were waiting to find out if your

mom was pregnant with you.

There she is.

She looks so young.

I know.

Oh, God.

Gary.

Gary, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant, Gary.

She's happy. I know.

We were really happy. We're still happy.

Oh, we were thrilled and we'll always be thrilled.

Thanks, Dad.

We love you very much, Mario.

I don't want you ever to forget that.

You're all right, Pop.

You're okay, too.

Hey, I'll see you in nine months.

It's not that long.

Okay. Make sure to say hi as soon as you come out. Go, we'll do that. That'll be

our signal.

Okay?

Okay.

I got to go in now.

Gary.

Gary. Honey.

I'm pregnant. Oh, that's so great, honey.

Oh, that's so great.

Look,

look. It's pink. It turned pink.

We're going to have a little baby.

A little baby boy named Mario.

What do you mean a little boy? Why Mario? Why Darcy? Why a dog, honey?

I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just so happy.

Let's keep it a secret.

Yeah, just for a little while. Congratulations, you guys.

We got a fast net for baby Mario.

We didn't keep it very long, did we? I can't believe this.

That is really nice.

Grant, what are you doing hanging out with Nancy?

Oh, can't the guy do a few favors for a pretty lady?

Honey, why don't you put this over there? All right, thanks.

Oh, I sense love in the air.

What are you talking about?

And I'm not even done.

Leonard. Hello, Gare. Hey.

I've got a little something for the lad.

A sweater and bones?

Well, I know it doesn't look like much, but you have to imagine it as a mobile

over his crib.

I know, it amused me when I was a lad. Sure, put it in the chest there. I'm

once it assembles, it's lovely.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I hope you had a really good time

I feel confident now I can be a good father. Whoa, boy, that was like an

there.

Hey,

and we solved the mystery of the bony sweater.

So the whole thing ties together beautifully.

See you next week on What's Left of It's Gary Shandling Show. Good night.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandling Show.