Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Welcome to the stand.

Thanks a lot.

Thank you, really. Well, thanks. That was really nice. Thanks. I appreciate

a lot. You've come on a really fun night because tonight, actually, Phoebe and I

are just staying home and having a little romantic dinner because it's our

-month anniversary.

Sure.

Well, I'm sure those of you who had the Gary Shandling calendar knew that it

was. Anyway, it's great to be married one month because I'm comfortable enough

now to wear my glasses around Phoebe. And I have horrible eyes. I actually

2 ,800 vision.

Which means I could have dated just about anybody.

We are so happy together and not like the Trumps. I don't really want to hear.

I don't want to hear one more Donald Trump joke.

So although I did hear that Ivana Trump actually now wants to keep one of

Donald's big construction projects. And he said, OK, you can keep your face.

So you should know. That's the last one I want to hear. I don't want to hear.

One more. That's exactly the same reaction I got when I told that at the

Grammys. The other great thing or really awkward thing about being married is

that I don't know why I'm standing like I'm at attention right now, which means

there's something going haywire with the monologue. No, I'm just joking.

The really awkward thing about being married is still some women don't know

they'll still hit on you. Like Phoebe and I went to dinner last week and right

there in the restaurant, the waitress hit on me. And it was so awkward. Right

after the main course, the waitress comes over and she says, would you like

dessert? You know, and I don't think they say that to everybody.

You know, so I started to look around. I got really uptight. I looked over at

Phoebe and she was just acting natural. So I figured, oh, she's really fuming

inside.

But, you know, fortunately, I blurted out, I'll have some ice cream, and the

whole thing blew over. But we trust each other. And so those things don't even

matter. Don't they, honey? Wrap it up for us.

Well... I struggle with a monologue.

She says one funny thing, and you guys go nuts.

Lasagna. Lasagna. Oh, that's right.

Lasagna. That one month anniversary is lasagna. Yeah.

That's right. I got her a little lasagna broach.

Oh, brother, she's funnier than me, isn't she?

Hello, you lovebirds.

Happy one month anniversary.

Oh, thanks, Leonard.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

30 days here. That means you can't take her back.

Oh, that's all right. I lost the receipt anyway.

In honor of the happy occasion, I'm going to play your song.

Leonard, Leonard, neither of us think that's our song. Listen to the

mockingbird. That's the Schumacher's.

I always use it to warm up on. Okay. Here's the real thing. Is your neck

bleeding?

Oh, Gary, it's European sophistication. It's an Ascot. Okay. Well, hey, same to

you.

Oh, this is nice.

This is better.

Don't go by them. They always applaud after the theme.

You, on the other hand. Okay, Garrett. I'll see you at the closing theme. You

will not see me at the closing theme.

You will not. That was frightening. I nearly kissed him when he started

whispering.

Well, this looks delicious.

This is your mom's recipe. Oh, great.

Yeah. This is great. My favorite. Got it from your mom.

It's delicious.

Yeah. Vegetables are good, too.

Well, you know, I don't really like vegetables.

Oh, I guess there's not going to be any pudding for dessert then.

Is it bread pudding?

No. No, dear.

It's chocolate, your favorite.

Excuse me, Mom.

I'll be back, Mom, momentarily. I'll be back momentarily.

Excuse me.

Oh. Oh.

Oh,

my.

My wife turned into my mother.

Did you see that?

Look. Look at it.

It's my mother. It's my mother. That's not my...

At home watching with people who've never seen the show before. Tell them

not my wife.

That's my mother.

My... Gary.

Phoebe.

Oh, honey.

Oh. What?

Huh?

Gary, what's the matter? You look a little... Oh, no, it's the lasagna. It

right to my head. That's all.

It was so filling, but delicious. Honey, let's just go to bed. It's our

anniversary. Come on.

Let's just go to bed. Right now.

Right... Right now.

Right now. We don't need to wait that normal half hour after eating. If we get

cramps, we get cramps.

Oh, honey, you won't believe what... I was just eating... What's the matter,

Gary? Nothing.

You go in and I'll be right in.

Oh, all right.

I'll sleep in the sink.

Oh, damn.

Nine dots.

Red dragon.

Six little swirly things. Oh, come on. Come on, get there. They're called dots.

Dots? Oh, I don't like the sound of that. Eight little bow ties. They're not

ties. They're called bows. Why don't you get with the program? Well, I thought

you said you knew how to play Mahjong. Yeah, well, I can.

What the hell is this?

This is a master's way of playing.

You know, we let Mr.

Guest join our Mahjong game, and he has no idea how to play. You know how bad he

is? Well, let's just say he's no Lou Ducktoe.

Lou Docteau, the Babe Ruth of Mahjong.

Boy, you guys don't know any more than Mr.

Guest does.

Hey,

guys, did you hear about Kim Moon? He got a new riding lawnmower. Oh, and it's

real beauty.

What happened to the other one? He totaled it. He had a few too many, went

for a moment, pow, right into the bird's eye.

Not funny.

You go.

Hey, you know, the other night I was having dinner with my wife, and she

into my mother. I was just eating dinner.

Gary,

do you mind? You are having a little delightful male bonding, and you've

it. Ian, Ian, you know, what they say, they say that we are all going to marry

our mothers.

And your mother is a very sexy woman, Gary.

Hey, you stay off my mother.

I'm just saying it's a little unusual. Well, you know, I couldn't confuse my

mother with Nancy. My Nancy is a ravishing beauty. My mother...

She's short and she squats. She looks like Pete.

Well, what's wrong with that? You guys don't think it's weird or anything? Oh,

don't worry, Shanley. I'm on your side.

Oh, good. That's a relief.

Well, I don't have a wife, and my mother abandoned me early in life.

My Yorkshire, Mr. Puddles. Why, he often resembles his mother, Princess Daisy.

Leonard, what about your wife? Leonard has a wife.

Yes, Leonard has a wife. We were married on Gary's show last season, remember?

That's right.

Did you move? Yes.

Remember, all she basically does now is he babysits Pete's kids who were born on

the show and then never heard from again.

Now listen, Gary.

Take it from a guy who has a happy, though, seldom seen marriage.

If you got a problem with your wife...

Confront it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm just really more comfortable discussing

it with the guys.

You know what I mean. Gary, take it from me. You know what you have to do? You

have to communicate.

And if you're nervous, have a belt of scotch or eat a jar of hot pepper. But

whatever you got to do, Gary, is be a man to crack.

Yatzy!

This is not Yatzy. It's Mahjong. Gary, you're wasting your breath. He's going

ruin this just the way he ruined our per -quacky tournament.

That's right.

For Quacky, Mahjong, Yahtzee, we play funny games. We look funny. We are

Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi.

Pete's right.

Pete's right. I just got to communicate with her. That's what I'm going to do.

I'm just going to talk it out right now, get it all over with right now. That'll

solve the whole problem.

You know, last night when we were in bed and we couldn't have

sex, remember, I couldn't get little Gary to do his... Hi,

Gary.

Hi, Gary.

Hi, Phoebe. Hi.

Hi.

Huh? Oh.

Mom? Phoebe? Yes, Bubba?

Oh, Nancy, they play like savages.

They drink cheap ale, they eat salty snacks.

But I wouldn't change them for 100 of the Queen's best men. Oh, God, how I

them.

Well said.

Would you like some tea? Oh, the perfect capper to a perfect evening.

Here you are, ducky.

You drink that up.

I've been sleeping in the sink for three days now.

I've dishpanned everything.

Gary?

Gary, what's wrong?

Huh? Nothing.

Just sitting up, honey.

Oh, Gary, you have been so distant lately.

No, no, Phoebe, I'm not distant. It's just an optical illusion. It's just

by my striped pajamas on the checkered thing. Look, it's just been getting

further away. You haven't touched me in three days.

Every time I come near you, you run away. Well, that's not true, honey. Now,

just come on and get in this bed.

I can't.

Why not? For God's sake. Honey, the other day when you told me that I had

to eat my vegetables, you turned into my mom. I know it sounds silly, but you

never turn into my mom.

Now, this is just silly. This is silly. Now, I want you to get in this bed, and

I will prove to you that I am not your mother.

Phoebe, honey.

Someone's at the door. Hold that thought, Mom.

Ian, hi.

It was the gloaming guy. I didn't believe it was you. My Bonnie Nancy, she

turned into my mother. I inspired Potter right before my marriage.

Oh, help me, Carrie, help me. Oh, brother, when he gets upset, he turns

Scottish Ricky Ricardo.

And he spits. Would you slow down? Just slow down and tell me what you're trying

to tell me slowly.

Nancy has become... Yeah? My mother.

And it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't mentioned it. Oh, Gary, hide me.

You've got to hide me. I know. I know what it feels like. Thanks a lot.

Thanks a lot, pal.

For what, Chief?

For what? For turning my Jackie into my Mama Sonia. I thought Mama Sonia was

dead. So did I.

I went to the funeral.

I saw the pots being lowered into the ground.

And now she's in my bed, snoring up a storm.

My mother's playing the bloody bagpipes.

Oh, good.

You're up.

I have to thank you, Gare.

Leonard, don't tell me your wife turned into your mother.

Oh, no, no, Gare.

That I could live with.

My wife turned into Lyle Alzado.

I say, who is this Lyle Alzado?

Well, Ian, I'll tell you.

Former all -pro defensive end for the Raiders, current Mrs. Leonard Smith.

Oh, my, that's very bad. That's very, very bad.

Hello, night owls.

Mr. Guest, what are you doing here? You don't have a wife, do you? No, no, but

my tummy is highly upset with me. I had too many chips of potato and dip of

clam. So you came over here.

Well, I saw your lights were on, and I knew that you'd have tongues for my

tummy. Hey, Gary, this guy's nuts.

What am I going to do about my Mama Sonia? Who's Mama Sonia? It's his dead

mother. He's sleeping with her.

Oh, I guess you want those tongues now, huh? Yeah, they're in that top row over

there.

This is all your fault. It is not my fault.

Obviously, we're all having the same problem. I don't have a problem. Oh, no.

Lots of people have dead women sleeping in their beds, snoring away.

Oh,

yes. How many times did you kiss while I was there?

Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist.

Oh.

Dr. David Viscott lives in the complex. In 4G, we can get him.

I'm in.

I'm out.

I'm out. I don't believe in psychiatrists because I don't have a

I'm not going. Fine, we'll go without you. Okay, okay, okay.

Hide me. I can't go back to my mother. Can I stay here? Can I stay over? Hide

me. Me too, please. Sure, sure. I have three seats. Wait a minute. I'll stay

too.

I'll stay too, okay?

Why don't we play Mahjong? Why not? Very good, very good.

Can I be the little top hat this time?

Little top hat? That's Monopoly. Oh, I thought I'd put it on my head for good

luck.

I'm scared he's a general in the Strategic Air Command.

Leonard, honey, come to bed.

Well, we're all here with our wives, waiting for our group therapy session.

Everybody walked over here except Leonard. His wife carried him.

Then picked him up and started running with him.

Then spiked him.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Pete.

Oh, hi, Pete. Hi, Jack. Hi, Jack.

How did you get Pete to come here? Oh, I told him it was a cocktail party.

Don't say anything.

Hey, wait a minute.

Where's the music? Where's the food?

Why am I the only guy in a tux?

Is something fishy going on around here?

No. Oh, okay.

Come in.

Hello, I'm Dr. David Visco.

We bet I fixed your faucet. I know, I got your bill.

Thanks for coming over. I'm making this house call. I know it's just down the

hallway, but still.

I go where I'm needed.

Besides, it's a fascinating case.

Well, let me start by explaining something. You know, the first

a young man has of domestic life is of his mother.

So what's happened is obvious.

You've projected that onto your wives. Wait a minute.

You're a psychiatrist.

No, he's not.

Oh, okay.

Nevertheless, my professional opinion is that if you expressed your love to your

mothers, they'd turn back into your wives.

Hug your mothers. Come on. Hug your mothers. I know it sounds strange. Hug

mothers. Come on. Come on.

Let me feel your love. Don't talk too coldly.

Nothing happened.

Well, did it work?

Like a charm.

Gary, you're not into it. I am.

You've got to try harder. I was.

You've got to be committed. I've got to what?

Commit. Commit. Commit. Come on. Come on, Pokey. I'm going to do this. Come

Pokey. Try harder this time. Commit. Now, commit. Remember what he said. Now,

try. Try. Real hard. Come on, Gary.

Come on, Gary.

Come on. Come on, Gary. Come on, Gary. Come on, Gary.

Look at me like that. Oh.

Oh. Bebe. Come on, Gary.

Bebe.

Bebe.

Bebe. Bebe.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

It's a drugstore Indian.

Give him more, Gary.

Oh,

come on. Hold her.

Hold her tight.

Love her.

Oh. Oh.

Come on, Gary. Come on, Gary.

Phoebe. Yes.

Phoebe.

That's great, of course. That was funny. Six crack.

Isn't it great that we have our wives back again?

I know.

Oh, I love your company, you lucky, lucky man. Hi, boys. Sorry I'm late.

I couldn't find my Mahjong shoes.

Oh, Mr. Guest, you'd only spend your shoes to play Mahjong. Oh, I don't. You

know, this cannot be any fun for you, Mr. Guest. You don't have a clue what's

going on. You're right.

This game is a trifle dull for moi.

Maybe it'd be more interesting if we raised the stakes a little bit.

Yeah, maybe we'd pay for a little money.

Money?

Let's check this guy.

All right, okay, here we go.

It's $134, the joke.

Gentlemen, we've been had.

Mr. Guest, you're a Mahjong hustler. Let's get him!

Honey,

you won't believe what happened out there.

What, Gary?

It's just too weird to explain.

Oh, boy, as you can see, I'm not totally cured yet, but I'm making progress.

Boy, that Dr.

Viscont.

I'll tell you, he is really, really good.

I am telling you. She's got a little too much lipstick on, but what are you

going to do?

What, say, hon? Did you set the alarm?

Yeah, I got it all taken care of. Oh, your feet are cold.

Hiya, Gary, babe.

I'm here to play the closing theme.

Oh, you're not going to play the closing theme. Gary, you don't understand.

Your fans are crying out for it. Oh, that's why they're crying.

Good night, everybody.

What's that?