Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thanks.

I'd forgotten it was a show night.

We were just in the bedroom there horsing around.

Well, I'm thrilled you're here, really. This is going to be great.

Did you go to high school? How many people went to high school?

Some of you? I did, too.

I once knew this English guy got really drunk and started to curtsy to the

princess telephone.

Well, you know what? I hate those moving walkways at the airport.

Do you hate those? Have you ever been to the airport?

Oh, thank God.

I'm going to get the door. Oh, I'll get the door.

Oh, thanks.

Well,

not for me. This is how I work on the road.

That'll never happen again, honey. I promise.

Oh, you're my man.

So am I.

Hey, newlyweds.

Are you decent?

Hey, it's Martin Muller.

land. You've seen them all. I just want to tell you, my wife and I really loved

the way you redecorated our apartment.

She was so surprised. It was a pleasure, really.

Glad that worked out.

We never got a bill for any of that. I guess all that new furniture is free.

You're so cute.

I'll get the bill.

She's hot. She's great.

Gary,

are you looking forward to the Boysville banquet tomorrow night? Tell you, green

means go to me.

Oh, Boysville banquet. Yeah, that's going to be a blast. I'm excited.

Yeah. You got any new jokes?

Yeah, seven.

Seven?

Me too.

Seven.

Really? Except, wait a minute. What?

What?

No, I got eight.

Martin looks at the bill. Maybe this is a good time to play the opening theme.

See you in 41 seconds.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would like to sing a

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like the sofa?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show.

Watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to look. Then we'll watch a Jerry

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Jerry Sandling's show.

Phoebe, there's been a little mistake here.

Is that a mistake, honey? No, no. No, this is right. No, no, no. Isn't it just

trifle enormous?

Now, I mean, unless there's a pay post.

I can't afford this. Oh, no, Martin. God, I'm really sorry, but actually,

a really reasonable figure.

Well,

let's just get a second opinion, huh?

Gary. Gary, I thought this was your phone number. Gary, look at this.

$3 ,000 for a chair?

Well, Martin, it's cheaper than building.

Martin, that was that... She says it's fair. It's fair.

That was that special chair that you wanted. Remember? I mean, I went to

different stores to get you the best price. I really did. I don't care if you

went to Buckingham Palace and brought back the f***ing throne.

Hey, hey, hey.

This is obscene.

You don't come in here and talk like that.

Hey, I did everything.

Hey. Everything according to your specifications, Mark. Yeah, but look,

write you a check. I'll write you a check. In blood.

Well, then we'll have to deposit it in the blood bank.

I'm really sorry, honey. Do you believe he came in here and swore like that in

front of you and my viewers?

And then he has the nerve to complain about your bill.

What an asshole.

And with your help.

Little Joey will find a place to live.

Welcome to the Boysville Banquet. Everyone's in a really good mood because

won their big football game against arts rival Girlsville.

Look at Martin Mull sitting there.

We haven't spoken a word to each other all night. He just sits there with that

smug attitude.

All right, now.

Here we are.

Enough of the sermonizing. It's time to hand out these prizes you've all been

eyeballing all night long, haven't you? All right.

And to assist me, our own Vanna White.

Sister Agnes. Will you come in, sister?

The first prize. The first prize is going to be this protein

clock.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, or as Tony Curtis would say, thank you for this wonderful,

marvelous door price.

It's really a one. Have I mentioned yet that I am a major film star?

I don't have the ascot on, so it's kind of through you right now.

I love you, Spartacus. I really am in love with you.

You know, some like it hot, and if you like it hot, I have some hot paintings

an art exhibit this weekend. I hope you'll be there. A lot of new...

I hope you'll be there.

It's very hip, too.

Now, our next prize.

Oh, our next prize.

It's a football.

Autographed by every single member of the Notre Dame football team.

Oh, you're going to have to pry it out of my hand.

Unfortunately, I'll have to give it to number 72.

Right here.

It's Boydfield's old parking lot.

Thank you, Father.

Thank you, Sister Isaac.

I think we're all kind of wondering, when are you two going to get married?

Martin, Martin.

I want to talk to you in the office after the banquet.

Well,

it won't be the first time I've been hit below the belt this week.

You know, I... I'd like to take this opportunity on that subject to announce

that next week, there will be another benefit.

This time, it's for me.

Martin Ball.

Because I'm broke.

No, really, I am. I got really taken to the cleaners by an interior decorator.

This... Well, let's just call her Phoebe.

I don't know why I didn't just take that money and just flush it right down that

oh -so -fashionable, one -size -fits -all Onyx toilet she installed.

Boy, that thing can get cold in the winter, I'll tell you. Especially if you

can't afford your heating bill.

Pardon me, boy? No. It sounds as though she robbed you, boy.

Well, Father, you taught me not to swear, but let's just say I got

Gary, your wife's a swear word.

prize. Our next prize is dinner for two at one of my favorite restaurants,

Yamashiro's. And the winning number is 108.

108. Does anybody have 108?

Here.

It's Barry Shandling's prize.

Thank you, Father.

And I guess we all know this is really a worthwhile cause here tonight. And I'd

just like to add that Martin Mull's cheap.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Gary.

Hey, you got me. You got me. I am cheap.

Especially compared to this man. This Gary Shandling told me that tonight he

pledging $3 ,000. to Boysville. How about that?

Yes! Yes!

Give this man an act of peace. That is brilliant.

Thank you very much. But you know, last night Martin said to me, Gary, if you're

in for three, I'm in for five. Is that a guy?

Is that a guy?

Is that a guy?

But Gary, not to be outdone, Shannon. Well, if you're in for five, I'm in for

ten.

I'll tell you what really blew me away is when Martin last night said, Hey,

little Joey can live with me.

Our operators are ready to take your calls.

Hi, yeah, I'd like to order some... I'd like to order 50... Well, make that 100,

Mr. Chekhov, please.

My name is Martin Mull.

No, no, no, no, I'm not that funny, really. I steal all my material from

Shamblin.

Really? Really, I do.

14 Elm Street, Brentwood.

That's right.

You know, you're a nice person.

Kick in an extra $100 for yourself.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, Gare, I got some of your new Civil War chess sets here.

I didn't order any chess sets. Well, someone did. There are hundreds of them

piled up in the quad, brother against brother. Looks like Gettysburg out

Oh, great, great, great, great.

You know what must have happened, Martin? Well, obviously used my name and

me these chess sets.

Well, you know what he's in for a little surprise, because you know what he just

did? He just ordered another 150 Lieutenant Ohura plates.

That's right.

And let me tell you one thing.

He's going to be sorry he ever started this little feud. I'm not kidding.

Gare, I know feuds, and with all due respect, this is not a feud.

This is more of a glorified hissy fit.

Hissy fit?

What do you mean, hissy fit? This is not a hissy fit.

Gare, me and my brother -in -law, Gerald, Now, that was a feud.

Now, I don't want to brag, but let me just say that after a few well -placed

phone calls, his two -story colonial became a houseboat.

I like the way you think.

Take this.

Another time, I took a cucumber and stuck it up the tailpipe of Gerald's

Mercedes. Ow. And as he... What that does is cut off the... Your sir...

in Tinseltown.

Funny man Gary Shandling says he won't be going to the Academy Awards because

doesn't want to run into funny man Martin Mull, who will be there.

It's the latest chapter in the bitter Shandling -Mull feud, now in its third

bizarre week.

Earlier, the rumor ran rampant that Shandling was canceling his own show,

turned out that Mull started the story.

Later, a telephone company crew dug up half of Martin Mull's front lawn, but

they turned out to be Shandling sidekicks, Pete Schumacher and Leonard

Who knows what's next? Bill Harris in Hollywood. We'll talk again.

Who is it?

Martin, it's me, Phoebe.

Be careful, Martin. This could be a trap.

Come on in, Phoebe.

She's out the door.

Okay.

All right, she might be a decoy.

Well, Martin, you know, I just thought that since I helped start this whole

thing, maybe I could help make peace.

Peace, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I have to admit, that would free up some time for me to make a living.

Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. Frankly, we're pretty sick of getting

those chess sets, you know, and the Sybil Shepard albums, too.

Phoebe, I did not send you any Sybil Shepard albums.

Oh, really?

No.

Oh, I guess Gary really is a fan.

He is a nut.

Yeah.

I guess I've been kind of hard on him. You know, Phoebe, I'm glad you came.

Martin, I don't hear the vacuum.

We have company, honey.

Joy, this is Phoebe. Hi.

Oh, so you're the bitch who cleaned us out, huh?

Come on, I came here to try and patch things up. Good, good. Then take back

crummy furniture and put on some weight, you little dick.

What are you looking at?

Well, you look lovely in this light, Angel.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you make love today?

I'm not going to answer that.

Marty and I made love four times today, didn't we, Marty?

Technically.

thinks you're an old battle axe. Not that he's any day at the beach with

big lips of his.

Must be like making love to a catcher's mitt.

Good, get out. Go back to that big lips thing. Figures.

Oh, attaboy, Joey.

So, Gary, this is Martin Mull's swimming pool. This is his driveway.

We take the coal truck and we back it up to the pool and voila.

We make our getaway, see?

Now I get it.

His whole pool becomes a shallow end.

Honey, look at this. Wait until you hear what we're going to do. Gary, I've just

been to Martin Mall Palace.

at Martin Mull's house. Are you crazy?

Oh, brother, you should hear the things that gross wife of his said about me.

Oh, and after I played the accordion at their wedding. Yeah.

Never mind. Look at this.

I got cherry bombs. Oh, wow.

Cherry bombs? Honey, I have never loved you more than I do right now.

You're my man, honey.

How's the steak, honey?

It's dry as dust and tough as leather.

You know, I try and I try. You must know that.

What's that noise? You hear that?

Yeah. There's somebody on the roof.

You hear that?

It's them.

It's them.

with that soup, huh?

Maybe just some consonants?

Oh, Martin, we are so sorry.

Yeah, you ought to be proud, huh? She's in a coma.

I can't top that.

Martin, we would have never thrown the cherry bomb down there if we'd known she

had a heart condition.

She had a lot of things that people didn't know about. A heart condition,

arthritis.

gallstones, gout.

That's probably what accounted for a lot of her mood swings.

Is she going to be all right?

Sure, you know, with the best of medical attention.

Of course, I frivolously spent all our money on furniture.

I know it's all our fault, Joy.

If you could hear me, we're sorry, really sorry.

Phoebe and I...

I guess this thing's all gone out of hand. We win.

We win.

You're not dying? Hell no. I'll dance on your grams. You just gave me a little

asthma attack.

And we be very chilling.

We be very chilling.

Get a cherry bar. Get a cherry bar.

What is going on in here?

Nothing.

You two and your famous feud.

This is a place of healing.

Not a playground for two spoiled Hollywood brats. Oh, spare us this

-thou attitude, Padre.

If you had seen this chick decorating, Bill, you'd have put her on the first

to hell.

You know, the church once had a problem with an interior decorator.

He took too long.

He spent too much money.

And he gave us something we didn't even want.

Ha -ha!

That decorator's name was Michelangelo.

And the Sistine Chapel was the best investment we ever made.

Devil heart. And you lot, hold your tongue.

No one deserves to gloat when two best friends are at each other's throats.

Gary.

Martin.

I want you to shake hands.

Come on. Come on, boys. Do it for me. Go on, shake.

Go ahead and shake hands.

Hey, get a load of my soup.

But, Father, would God really reveal himself to us in a bowl of soup?

Now, my son...

The good Lord appears to us in many different farms.

Did he say farm or form?

Gary, I'm sorry.

Me too, Martin.

None of that now. You know the rules.

Six inches apart.

Thank you, Father.

Just doing me job, darling. Just doing me job. Yeah.

Joy, honey, honey, you're eating the miracle.

I'm hungry. Shut up and get me some saltines.

What a bitch.

Anyway, that's our show for tonight, and I think it was a pretty good one,

considering I forgot that there was one in the first place.

And as a gesture of reconciliation, Martin?

Yeah? Would you like to do the closing monologue?

Okay. That's very, very, very sweet of you. I would be deeply honored. I hope I

do a good job. Have a good time. Ladies and gentlemen, Martin DeMalle.

Thank you.

Thank you. As I told you earlier, I just got back from the Holy Land.

And, you know, those people over there, they don't need you very much.