Original subtitles

Thanks a lot. Well, thanks.

Thanks a lot, really.

Cut it out.

Anyway.

Okay, that's all you're going to do. Fine.

Well, welcome to the first show of the new season. I'm really excited. You

in baseball, of course, there's a time -honored tradition in the first game to

throw out the first ball of the season.

Well, in television, it's a little different. There is the traditional

out of the first joke.

And here it comes now.

Come on along.

Here you go. Thank you for the key to the bathroom.

Maybe next time you can give me the men's room key.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And let's hope it's a good season and that no one... gets injured, especially,

let's hope the audience bleachers don't collapse the way they did last year.

Thank you. Thank you again.

Let me sign that one more time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Anyway, I'm here at the office of the network president. You see, each season

before we start the show, I have to meet with him and discuss with him any

changes that are going to happen in the show this year.

And it's usually not a problem. In fact...

Mr. Shravely really likes me, and I think when he finds out that I've been

waiting here for, I guess it's over three hours now, he is going to be

upset.

Henry,

you're killing me. You really, you've got to stop. I mean, my ribs are aching.

And I believe you.

You believe me.

Listen,

listen. The minute, the minute there's a cancellation, you know we're going to

slide you right in, right?

Mr. Shandling. Yeah.

When you learn to crawl, I'll slide.

Hi,

Shandling. How are you? Oh, hey, Mr. Shandling. Gary.

How are you? Henry, good to see you. Nice to see you. Hey, I love your show.

thanks a lot. My family loves your show. Oh, that's really nice of you to say.

I love your...

Family.

Thanks, Henry.

Yeah, come on in.

Yeah, I'll see you. God, what timing, talent, amazing guy. Why don't you sit

down over there, Gary? Yeah, fantastic guy. How often do you see a guy who's so

good -looking, but he's also so funny? Oh, yeah, not often enough.

When you think about it, there's maybe him and me.

Good summer, Gary.

I had a great summer, Mr.

Cravely. Thanks for asking. I just took some time off. I went fishing. I went up

to Washington. I was up there in Washington. I have to tell you, it was

unbelievable start.

Gary, Gary, what's new with the show?

Oh, sure, the show. Well, you know, I'm really excited because I have a new

girlfriend on the show this year, and I think she's really special.

Gary, it's not going to help the show.

Get a butler.

A butler. A butler. You heard me.

Butlers dress funny. They talk funny. They are funny.

Trust me. No, I do. Not that Mr.

French doesn't floor me, sir.

He's great. He's great.

Phoebe is really terrific. She's a wonderful girl. I met her at Nancy and

wedding. And, I mean, she's just funny in her own way. Gary, we've seen it

before. We've seen these girlfriends come and go. One week they're there, the

next week they're not.

I'm going to have to meet her, Gary. No, there's no reason you have to meet her.

Oh, yeah.

Of course, if there's any problems, then I can nip it in the bud.

Okay, let's see.

I can come to dinner tomorrow night.

It's good for me.

Good for me? Good.

I think I'm open. I don't have my book with me, but... Okay, good.

Good seeing you, Gary.

Great, Mr. Shravely. Great seeing you. Gotta get this call.

Oh, I didn't even hear that ring. That... New system. Yeah.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Bradley.

That went pretty well.

You know, I'll just meet you back at the house and we'll try and shake this

thing off.

He's not on the phone, is he?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

Hi, dear.

Hi, honey.

That's her.

That's my new girl.

She's helping me redecorate my place. Hi.

Hi. You

know,

it's a lot nicer than the, uh...

NFL football helmet lamps I used to have, you know? And much more practical.

This thing will actually afford some protection if I wear it, I think.

I don't understand it. It looks so great in the store.

Really, it does. I can see that. And I wrapped it up, and I put it in the car.

Right. It must have known we were coming to your house, you know, because as we

got closer and closer, it kept getting more and more depressed.

Yeah. I could swear, Gary, when I pulled into the driveway, I heard this lamp

crying. Maybe I'm crazy, but...

No, honey, you're not... You're not crazy.

I think it is crying.

Wouldn't that be something if we were both crazy?

Say, how'd it go today? What happened?

Mr. Strangely? Yeah.

Well, I bumped into Henry Winkler.

Henry Winkler loves the show.

Oh, that's very nice. Isn't that nice? Yeah.

And Mr. Stravely wants to meet you.

Oh, why?

Well, you know, he's just kind of a pain in the neck, you know, just because he

runs a network, he thinks he has some control over my life, you know.

Well, does he?

Yeah, he does.

But I let him. You know, I just go, yes, Mr. Stravely. No, Mr. Stravely. You

know, and then he says, oh.

I'm coming to dinner tomorrow, so he just invites himself.

Oh.

What if he doesn't like me?

Honey, he's going to love you. Why wouldn't he like you?

Well, he doesn't like you, Gary. Why should he like me?

Oh, honey.

I don't like me and I like you. And he doesn't like me so much, he's going to

really like you.

Well, we'll make him something nice for dinner.

Great.

What are you going to make?

Well, remember that beef stew I made? I could make that.

You know, that beef stew was great.

Don't make the beef stew, though.

I loved it, and all the animals in the condo loved it, but maybe something

Really? Yeah. Well, what does he like to eat? He likes...

Well, you know, no one's ever really seen the man eat. I don't know if he

There's a rumor going around that he likes Dover Soul.

It's the strangest rumor I ever heard in my life. People go, he eats. Barry,

what's that music?

Oh, we just want to see. It's dancing Barry.

Pretty soon you'll get to meet all the neighbors in the condo. You're going to

love it. You're going to really love it.

Here it is, the moment of truth.

I still can't believe you dropped that ring.

lucky. This is the edited version.

We're grateful.

Do you think it's near the end?

I'll stop it here.

What do you guys know about Mr.

Stravely?

Gary's boss?

Yeah. Gary's boss.

Now there's a thankless job.

He's coming for dinner tomorrow. I'm a little bit nervous.

Why? Do you think Gary's going to videotape it?

Fine. Fine. Ian, um, Phoebe and I'd like to talk. Why don't you just, uh, go out

and play?

Fine. Call me when dinner's ready.

Don't mind him at all. You know, he loves to tease Gary, but he really likes

him. I know.

So do I.

Yeah, I can tell.

You're cooking dinner for the boss. That's a pretty big step.

Come on now, Nancy. Don't start. We're fine.

We're just taking it one step at a time.

What are you making for the big dinner?

Dover sole.

Oh, right. I heard that rumor.

You'll be fine. Don't worry about a thing. Really?

I just don't want to do anything to embarrass Gary, you know.

Don't worry.

This is just so great. You and Gary.

It's just... God, it's amazing.

But it's really great.

Really great.

How did Phoebe's scene go without me? Everything all right?

You know, when I'm done with this crystal, Mr. Stravely's going to be able

see his face in it.

Wait, can you see your face?

Get closer to the TV.

I can see Leonard Smith's face.

Oh, great.

Brace yourself. I'm sorry.

Hey, Leonard. How's it going?

Fine. Hey, listen.

Word on the street is that the head of the network's coming over for dinner.

That's correct.

Good episode.

What goes wrong?

What do you mean, what goes wrong? Nothing's going to go wrong.

Come on, Gare.

It's a classic setup, Gare.

Remember when Alan Brady came over to the Petri's and Laura overcooked the

turkey and all hell broke loose? Leonard.

And, Gare, you know, that wasn't even his first visit. Leonard, that was

This is the real world.

Yeah. We'll be fine, all right? Mind you, Gare, Mrs.

Rayburn wasn't exactly Beaver's boss. She was only his principal, but I think

the metaphor still applies.

when she came over to the Cleavers and Wally embarrassed him by staying in his

pajamas all during dinner?

Well, this is going to come as a big shock to you, but Wally's not going to

here tomorrow night.

I don't think any of the Cleavers are, so thanks, really. And I got to go. I

to keep cleaning and get ready, okay? Have it your way, Gare, but that's the

word on the street. Okay, see you. And I can't wait.

Okay.

Oh, brother.

I know that Phoebe and I haven't gone through this before, but we'll be fine.

Sure, I'm a little nervous.

After all, this used to be round.

You don't think we have too many candles, do you?

Gary, are you relaxed? You're driving me crazy.

Everything's going to be fine. I know, it is fine. I am relaxed. I just feel

very, very comfortable.

Do I look okay?

Oh, you look great. I love your hair that big way.

What, is it too big? No, it's not too big. It's proportionate to the opening

that's in your blouse.

Gary, come on. You know, I'm a little nervous, too.

Are you nervous?

Are you real nervous? No, just a little nervous. Are you all right? Yeah.

Okay, well... Ma 'am, I haven't finished polishing this yet.

I need just a couple more minutes.

Gary, open the door.

You seem very... Okay.

Hey! Come in.

Are you sure there's not too many cows? I don't want to... He'll come in here

and think there's a cult in here or something.

Don't worry. As soon as I get him out of his clothes, everything will be fine.

Just open the door. Are you joking?

Tell me you're joking before I open the door. Open the door. I'll be standing

out there for a minute.

Hey, Mr. Shravely. Good to see you. How are you? You know, we were just saying

at 8 o 'clock you should be here any second because how you're Mr.

Punctual.

You know why? Your network. One show stops, one show starts right up. There's

not like a big gap there.

Gary, let the man come in.

Come on in, Mr. Shravely.

Hi, I'm Phoebe Bass. Hi, Philip Shravely. Nice to meet you.

I'll close the door the way I do in your office.

Gary, why don't you go get him a drink?

Would you like something to drink, Mr. Strangley? Yeah, give me a scotch and

soda.

Scotch and soda.

Right -o. I can make that.

He's going to love her.

Strangley.

Strangley. Oh, that's a stupid name, isn't it?

Tell me she didn't just say that.

Yeah, yeah, it is English.

Yeah, my great -great -great -grandfather was a member of Parliament.

Harold Stravely.

Well, whatever his damn name was, I guess it's safe to assume that he didn't

bring anything either. When he went to someone's house for dinner, you'll know.

She's turned into Laverne and Shirley.

Ow! Sucker! Ow!

Ow!

Yahoo! I am Stravely. Ow!

Yes, I'm an interior designer. Honey, honey, interior designer or not, I will

not have you treating Mr.

Stravely like a pony.

Mr. Stravely, I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for you.

Her, the way she rode you and beat you and made you how?

I can't believe that happened. I have never understood your sense of humor.

And I guess I never will.

Right.

Stay off my boss.

I can't believe you got up on it. Stay off my boss. Have some dip, Mr.

Straley. Yeah, I love this stuff.

Yeah, listen, Shanley.

I'm going to tell you a joke.

Okay, a joke.

Yeah, let's see if you get it, all right? Now, here.

Have you heard the one about the network programmer who died, see?

He didn't know if he was in heaven or hell, okay?

Have you heard that? No, I haven't heard that. We'd love to hear it. Would you

like to hear that one? Yeah, sure.

And you at home, laugh it up when Mr. Stravely tells a joke.

Mr.

Stravely, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Lindsay.

Are you okay?

Honey,

it's just, you're just imagining it.

It's just the imagination.

There's nothing wrong. Honey, I'm sure this isn't hat on. What are you doing to

my ball?

What are you doing to my ball? Look, it's just another vision.

It's a hole in my imagination.

Dancing Barry, that was real.

Dancing Barry.

And then when she wrote it.

I don't think that was real.

That can't be real.

It's just obviously a tongue that big is just my imagination.

Look at that. Boy, I have a vivid imagination.

See, Mrs. Dravely? That's a funny joke.

There's no way she would have known that you were allergic to clams. Yeah. And I

thought, I was just imagining it, okay? Yeah, well, Shandling, I don't think

she's right for the show, okay?

And why's that?

Hey, easy with the attitude. Easy with the attitude? Yeah. You know, you know,

Phoebe's in my life now, and if I'm lucky, she'll be in it for a long time,

okay? Hey, knock it off, Shandling.

Knock it off?

Knock it off? Yeah. I have never heard your voice go that high in my life,

Wester Stratum.

If you listen to me right now, I've had it with you, so just shut up. It doesn't

matter.

All right, I'm okay. It doesn't matter to me what you think. She stays, all

right? And I'll tell you something else. I'll tell you something else. I'm so

mad right now, I don't even want to be in the same ambulance with you. I'm

getting out.

So how much do you think that thing weighed? I would say 20, 25 pounds. Now,

don't know. I go fishing. I know if I caught a thing that big, I'd mount it.

put it over the fireplace.

I've never seen a thing like that in my life. It was like twice. Even for my

lips, that would have looked big.

Did you touch it?

Oh, no.

That would gross me out.

I brushed up against it in the ambulance. It was so big, it was

was gross. I was grossed out.

What's that?

Just nothing.

What is it? Come on. It's nothing.

Gary.

Don't call me Gary.

What is it? Nothing.

Show me. No.

Come on. It's a closing monologue.

Well, can I see it? No.

Okay, I'll bounce it off you. Great.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I guess you learned that Phoebe and I

love each other.

Good night, everybody, and I'll see you next week.

That's really sweet.

Well, it's not that funny, I know, but I thought it would make the audience go,

uh... Well, you know, you could add something to it like, for example, we

learned how to come together in a crisis, and that's what love really is.

know, something like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot funnier,

honey. Thanks.

Maybe I'll do that one next week, okay? If you don't mind.

Okay, well, good night. See you.

Good night, you peeping Tom.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandling Show.