Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you. We have a big show tonight. That's, of course, why we didn't keep

waiting.

No, the audience had to wait a little bit because there was just a throng of

people trying to get in here tonight because...

Tonight is the night, of course, when Sheena Easton and I go whale watching

together.

It's a huge night.

This is the biggest night we've had here in a

long time. Why, look, all my blood is rushed to my new white shirt.

Thank you. I thought of that right before I walked on.

And it's great to see you. There's a We Love You Sheena. We have a lot of big

Sheena Easton fans. Sheena rocks.

Can we go look at the... Do I have time to go just quickly to the audience?

I'm going to go... Just let me go quickly, and we'll just talk to some of

This is Chester, our cameraman, and he's such a big Sheena fan that he's wearing

his Sheena shirt.

He wore that two weeks ago when we had Charlie Sheen on the show.

Hello, you guys.

You look very nice.

Look at you.

Let's see. You're all Sheena Ethan fans.

How you doing, pal?

What is your name?

Kevin. Kevin Quinn. Kevin Quinn. Where are you from, Kevin?

Originally Ohio, Irvine right now. Well, that's really fascinating.

Sheena Easton fan?

I'm probably her biggest fan.

Well, that's great. Great to have you.

Her and who?

Metallica. Well, I can see how those would go together.

And what have you got here? What is this here, ma 'am? What is that? Oh, this is

just... No, you don't have... Would you like to stand?

This is just one of the albums I have from my

Sheena Easton collection of memorabilia. Oh, take your time.

Take your time. We can go right into the next show if we need to.

Oh, well, let me sit down in your seat.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Do you have any albums of me?

No, no, I didn't think so. I'll send you a couple. Would you like that?

No, I must. I must die.

You're not going to get billed for this. This isn't like if you don't send a

thing back, I'm going to end up sending another one, and then it's like a

subscription thing.

You've been here before, haven't you? Because I come up to the audience, and

you've been here, haven't you? Yes, I have. Stand up.

I have.

I'm Paula Hanlon. Paula Hanlon.

And, yes, I was here last week, and I enjoyed myself very much. Well, good for

you. But when I heard that Tina Easton was going to be on, I...

I made a big U -turn and rushed right back here to Chairman Oaks. Thank you

doing that, Paul.

Thank you. Thank you. The fact that you drive frightens me.

It's good to have you here. You have a wonderful time because you're here on a

great night. This is actually the show where we're going to premiere Sheena's

new video.

Are you guys ready for that?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The opening theme to Gary's show. This is the music that you hear as you watch

the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's show.

I've been looking through these. These are actually whale flashcards.

So when you go whale watching, you learn to identify whales, which is great.

It's a little senseless because you've got to kind of hold it right up next to

the whale and go.

No.

And, you know, that takes all that. You know, by that time, you're dead,

basically. But the best thing about these whale cards is with each pack, you

a stick of blubber gum.

That's right. Shot at my house.

Someone's at the door. Don't get up.

I'll get it.

Oh, I hope it's a bull. What with my matador shirt.

Oh, hey, Marshall.

Hi, Gary.

Hi.

Come on in.

What do you... This is... For those of you who haven't been watching lately, I

recently became a big brother to little Marshall here. I know what you're

thinking. Did they drop all their standards?

That's right.

The truth is that I just have a permit.

Marshall, where's your mother? What's going on?

She thinks I'm at my friend Freddy's house. Oh.

So can we talk freely?

Oh, sure. No one's watching.

What's up?

My mom says I have to take violin lessons.

But I want to play baseball instead. I can understand that.

Well, can't you do both?

Can't you tell your mom you want to do both?

He won't let me.

Gary? Huh? Can you please talk to my mom for me?

Well, I could. I could do that.

I once had to talk to my mom about it.

I wanted to play Little League baseball. My mom wanted me to take violin

lessons. So I held the baseball bat under my chin.

The boy's right. That's a funny joke.

Can I have another juicy juice?

Another one? Yeah, just keep them coming. Just keep them coming.

I can't get enough of these. I'll tell you this right now. These things only

have 10 % real fruit juice in them, so I figure if I have 10, I'm in great

shape.

That same reason I had 50 glasses of 2 % milk this morning.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Boy, now... So we've already had a lot of small talk. Now comes that awkward

time when I have to broach the subject of Marshall playing Little League

Baseball.

Well, Marshall sure stinks at the violin, doesn't he?

Jerry! He does not!

No, it's not that he's bad, it's just... Sounds to me, you know, like his time

would be better spent playing something like Little League Baseball. Something

outside, you know, where the sound can dissipate. Oh,

I see now what is going on. Yes, I am no dumb cookie.

Marshall spoke to you about me not letting him play Little League. Yeah, he

But why won't you let him play?

Well, look, Gary, I've given this a lot of thought. Really, I have. And, well...

Marshall's just not a very good baseball player, and he's a very sensitive

little boy, and I don't want the other kids making fun of him. Oh, you get used

to that.

Believe me.

I'm serious. I'm serious, too. I just think you're being a little overly

protective. You know, it's a great thing for kids to do. Well, maybe I am being

overprotective, but... Gary, listen. I appreciate everything you've done.

Really, I do. Uh -huh.

Right. But you're only here one day a week, you know? I'm here every day.

Unless you're willing to make a bigger commitment, I really just don't think

have the right to interfere with my decision.

Well, you know, I understand a lot about commitment, and that you're here all

the time, and I know how, you know, tough it is to be a mom and all, so I

blame you, you know.

My mother, you know, when I was, I wanted to play Little League Baseball,

mother wanted me to play the violin, you know.

So to make her happy, I held the bat under my chin so that everyone was happy

and she would come.

And, you know.

One day, Yasha Heifetz came down to the field.

I was second string at the time, and I...

Remember, I got this bad rap and I was out for the season.

You have been a great audience.

You have really been a great audience. And I should really just get going.

There's probably a lot of other comedians coming on soon. And I can tell

vomiting because my shirt is blushing.

It's a blue whale. No. It's a killer whale. No. It's a shark. It's a cat. I

don't know what it is.

It's Shamu.

Gary. It's really the whale. I don't know what it is. You are the only whale

-watching machine at Eton. You better know this stuff. Oh, like she's going to

get them all right.

You know, I just can't get Marshall out of my mind. The boy should be playing

Little League baseball.

That's all. That's why I can't concentrate on this. Well, you know what

said. Oh, yeah. Well, Lucy says I should make a bigger commitment to the boy,

which I'm willing to do. I just don't know if I can devote that kind of time.

You know, after all, I have to do this show. I have this show to do. I don't

know if I can... Yeah, all right. Well, that takes up a half an hour of the

week.

What about the rest of your time? Don't start with this. It seems to you it's

only a half hour. That's all. But there's a lot of preparation time, a lot

winding down time. You know I have those showers, that hair. You know, it takes

a lot of time.

You know, Walt the mailman puts in a 40 -hour week, which is incidentally 80

times the amount you put in. And he manages to have plenty of time for his

family.

Walt the mailman is a genius.

Walt works for the government.

I don't know. Trust me, Gary, I'm telling you, it really is possible to

family and a job. No, I know. I think it's something I should try.

Well, I think it'd be good for you. And I think it'd be good for Marshall,

because I think it'd be good for him to spend more time around a man. And I

think I'm that man.

Okay, I could be that man.

I might be a man.

I'll bring a man. I'll bring Walt.

Hi, this will just take a second.

I've really been thinking about what you said, and I just wanted to ask you

something.

Look, if I really make a bigger commitment to Marshall and spend more

him, you know, whenever he needs it, and I go to baseball practice with him, and

I'm there whenever he needs me, would you let him play Little League baseball

then? Gary, you'd do that?

Yeah. Really?

Uh -huh.

Oh. Gary, if you would do that, of course I'd let him play. That's great.

That's great. Gary, he is going to be so thrilled. I know. This is so exciting.

Now, try out for tomorrow, okay?

Gary?

Well, Gary, I'm sure Sheena Eastern will understand if you cancel.

Oh, right. A big star like that just say, hey, no mammals today.

Right.

She'll take that just in stride, no getting around it.

All right, you're right, you're right. I've got to stick with my commitment to

Marshall. I'll just call Sheena Easton, and I'll get it over with right now, and

that way everything will work out well.

You know, since I promised that Sheena Easton was going to be on the show, the

least I can do is I'll call her on the speakerphone so you can hear the

conversation.

Hi, this is Sheena Easton.

I'm not home right now.

What a pro. She even pauses for applause on her answering machine.

I'm out scraping barnacles off my boat for my whale -watching trip with Gary

Shandling that I've been looking forward to for weeks.

Leave a message, and I'll call back later. Bye.

Hi, Sheena.

This is Gary Shandling.

And I just called.

I don't know if you recall. We were supposed to go whale watching, which,

know, you can do just about any day of the week when you think about it.

And it looks like I'm not going to be able to make it, and I feel real bad

it. So I'll give you a call back, and we'll do it another time.

All right?

Okay.

You guys understand, don't you?

Gotta throw it to me.

Attaboy.

Right here.

Good one.

Good one.

Atta boy. What the hell are we watching here?

Oh! Come on, Tom.

Well, these people have the right idea.

Atta boy.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, no.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Paula.

Yes, Gary?

Where's everybody going?

Oh, I'm sorry, Gary, but you promised us, Gina Easton. But you saw what

happened. Come on. Don't remind us, Gary. Oh, Paula.

Come on, Gary.

Let's play some more baseball.

All right, all right.

Okay, here we go, Marshall. Come on, concentrate now.

I see.

Yeah.

Atta boy.

Atta boy.

Good one.

Sheena.

What are you doing here?

Didn't you get my message?

You're not going to poop out on me, are you? No, I... Don't please, don't say

poop in front of the young boy.

Seriously. I called you. I can't go away watching with you because I have to

practice Little League with Marshall. I promised him. I hope you understand.

You're going to teach him?

I'm going to teach him. I'm teaching him how to play Little League baseball. I'm

helping him out. You throw like a girl.

I do not throw. Well, with my glove hand, I do. But now when I throw with

hand, come on.

Don't make fun of me. I've had a bad day. My audience.

Just walked out on me. I can't believe it. It's just been horrible. Tell you

what, you go talk to your audience, and I'll teach Marshall, okay?

You can't teach.

You can't teach Marshall. Better than you. No way.

Come on, Marshall.

Don't spit.

Don't. Go.

Ready?

Abbott Ackerman, Adams.

Audience, here we go. This must be where the audience lives.

Who is it?

It's Gary. Gary Shandling.

You with the boy?

No.

All right, then. Come on in.

It's the third floor, apartment five.

Apartment five.

Wish me luck.

She looks smaller than that. I think she's lying. Nice place.

I didn't know the audience was doing so well.

So now what happens?

They even have it tiered like my studio.

Do you guys have fish?

Look, I just wanted to talk to you for a second. All right? All right, all

right, all right. But look, make it fast.

We're about to vote on Love Connection.

Take it easy.

Just take it easy.

You know, you guys did not give me a chance to explain when you walk out.

all. You chose the boy over us.

Yeah, we don't just laugh now. We have other feelings, too. The boy has

feelings, too. That wasn't an easy decision for me to make, whether to go

the boy or with Sheena Easton. I know how much you guys wanted to see Sheena.

I've never been so disappointed in all my life.

Oh, boo -hoo -hoo, Paula Hanlon.

Isn't it time you grew up? Well, she yelled at me. And that goes for the rest

you, too.

Just calm down.

And you know what the ironic thing is? The ironic thing is, is if you guys had

stayed, you would have seen Sheena Easton anyway.

She showed up right after you left.

I'll bet she's still there.

I'll bet. Let's just take a look and see what's on my show.

have seen on his show we could have seen her only we've been more patient all

right all right look look you know what's done is done all right so uh

we all learned a lesson and maybe next time you'll you know give me and my show

a chance all right just don't be so quick to react like that i mean it you

know you ever go to some other show they're not going to be so light on you

I can't leave yet. I was going to leave. I've got to talk to them for a little

while longer, so I'll see you in the next scene.

All right?

You miss my red shirt, don't you?

Look, I just wanted to talk to you guys for a second.

Okay, here's where we are in the story.

Three hours have passed, I swear.

Believe me, I've been up there talking to the audience for three whole hours,

and it went great. I think we got to know each other a little better. We

understand each other.

And I even did their dishes for them.

That's right. Now, here's the really good part. The really good part is that

ended up calling Sheena Easton while I was up there, and I asked her if I could

bring some friends along when we go whale watching.

And she said, sure, you sure can.

So here we are at the dock.

Oh, oh, is that one?

Gary,

this is your audience, isn't it?

No, these are all friends.

They're all personal friends of mine.

And they all love you very much. Don't you, everybody?

Oh, yeah!

Everybody loves you when you own a boat, right?

Remember, we're on a whale watch, so if you see any pike or flounder, ignore

them.

Well, of course, we can't ignore that Marshall's wearing his Little League

uniform, so he made the team.

The Robins.

Anyway. Oh, if you're wondering about tonight's show, don't worry. All of our

camera people are getting hazard pay tonight.

Take a look.

Yeah. There they go.

You guys watch out for those mines.

And if you're wondering about my other friends and my mom, well, don't worry.

They're over here. Ahoy, mateys.

He doesn't put us into the show.

And then he makes us sit in a dumb little dinghy.

Cut the line, Captain.

Cut the line.

Well, that's our show.

Good night, everybody.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Channing Show.