Original subtitles

I remember when I was a little boy, my dad loved two things in this world,

playing ping pong in the field and growing corn in the rec room.

We would play for hours, just the two of us. And then one day, I went to

retrieve a ball in the very, very tall, dry grass, and I couldn't find it.

And then I saw her for the first time, Charlene, the goddess of ping pong.

You have a gift, Gary.

One night a bolt of lightning struck Dad's apple tree.

Dad always said that's the chance you take leaving plants outside the house.

I took a branch from that tree and I sat down

and decided to carve my own paddle.

Sure, it was a big job, but I was young.

I had time.

And when I was done, I named my paddle Paddle.

I called my pants Pants.

Years later, the greatest ping -pong player in the world came to my town on a

barnstorming tour.

Nowadays, folks wouldn't turn out for such a thing, but hey, this was 1970.

What else was there to do?

Hey, there I am. How is my hair?

I remember how nervous I was. No one had ever beaten him.

I was a natural.

Hey, how could I lose with Charlene, the goddess of ping pong, watching over me?

She was beautiful.

Sometimes the wind would hike up her dress and... Well, I'll tell you that

later.

I'll never forget that shot.

I had beaten the slammer.

I wanted to thank the goddess.

Goddess. Yo, Charlene. Do the hustle.

Well, hey, that's how I talked in the 70s. Hello there.

Oh, hi.

Hi, who are you?

A hungry French woman in black.

Oh, nice to meet you.

Let's have lunch together.

That sounds like a good idea.

So how do you find them?

Hungry?

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

These are great.

These are delicious hors d 'oeuvres.

How do you say that in French?

Hors d 'oeuvres. Hors.

Hors. Oreo.

Oreo d 'oeuvres.

Hors d 'oeuvres. Oreo d 'oeuvres.

I guess I just can't speak French.

But you sure can play ping pong.

Well, you know, one day I hope people look at me and say, there goes Gary

Shandling, the best there ever was.

The best there ever was? Yeah.

Excuse me, I'm going to get my comb.

Be right back.

You know, I've seen a lot of short nightgowns in my life, but that thing

covers your neck.

Hey.

Goodbye, Mr. Ping Pong.

Hey.

Oh, my favorite wrist.

I never played ping pong again.

Oh.

Nice to see you. Welcome to my home.

Really. And welcome to all of you in the audience to my home.

Sorry you couldn't all park right in front.

Now, here's the good news. I've been on a real roll all day, and I've been

writing jokes all day.

And I've been really creative, and I got some funny ones here.

Pick one. Pick one.

You at home. This is Helen Cruz of Syracuse, New York.

You pick this one. Okay.

Oh, this is a good one. I just wrote this one today.

When does a policeman smell?

When he's on duty.

I'm telling you, I've been on this roll all day. I'm going to put this one right

on my joke board because I'm going to be going on the road soon, and I think

this is strong enough to open with anywhere in the country.

Now. The question is, is what category does this go under? Because it's a

riddle, it's a joke, and it's a pun. Boy, it's a little bit of everything.

is really, you know, I've read a lot of comedy books, and this seems to be

really what they're talking about.

It's about civil servants, and yet it's a little blue, and yet kids are really

going to like it because it's got the word duty in it. You can't go wrong

You know, that was Howdy Duty. He was like a star just because of his last

Hi, Gare. Hi, Gare.

Hey, you guys. What's up?

Listen, Leonard is going around and recruiting people to be on the condo

-pong team, and I was sure you'd want to join.

Ping -pong?

I don't know.

I'm telling you, Gary. Sounds like a lot of fun.

ping pong team won't be like all our other teams where I just collected the

and that was the end of it.

I've already got a crucial inter -condo match set up.

Huh.

Well.

Um.

Maybe. I don't know. Gary.

Gary. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just doing great.

Just great.

about ping pong? I don't think so. Thanks, though. It sounds like fun.

Maybe another time. Maybe another time. No, I don't think so. Gary, where's your

esprit de condo? Yeah.

Gary, do you realize this matches against Trugman Towers? Yeah.

That knobby high ride. Right, the one that cut off our sunlight?

Yeah, yeah, and it causes our grass to wither. Yeah, they stole our property,

for God's sake.

What the hell are you talking about? Well, remember that incinerator that I

wanted to build? Right. Well, they bought the property and put up a

I mean, but now it's our turn. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

You know, it sounds like a lot of fun, really, but I just can't. I've been

writing jokes all day, and I've got to stay right in this flow. They're coming

out of me like... It's incredible. I've got to ride this horse as long as I can.

I'm sure you guys understand. How about Mr. Sparks? Ask Mr. Sparks.

Mr. Sparks?

Gary, Mr. Sparks is in an iron lung.

Oh, is that what that is? I thought he was just working on his hot water

Gary, I understand if you don't want to play. It's okay.

I still have my secret weapon, Pete Schumacher. You know, I really just

you out of courtesy because it's your show.

Pete plays ping -pong? Oh, yeah, are you kidding? He takes it so seriously. He

even had a ping -pong table installed in his own rec room. Can you believe that?

Oh, what a nut.

Sounds like he's really obsessed with the sport. No getting around that.

I hope you're at least there to cheer us on, Gare.

Well, it's really nice of you to ask me, but... Nance, maybe we should take off.

I think Pete's due for another practice session.

Oh, yeah, I'll catch up with you.

Okay. Have fun, Leonard. Bye, Gary. Thanks.

Gary. You don't mind, I hope.

Well, I'm really surprised at you, that you don't want to help us cream Trugman.

I mean, gosh, if we lose this match, well, Leonard's going to be...

impeached as condo president, for one. Yeah, well, impeachment isn't that bad.

You gotta figure the last two condo presidents were assassinated, which

I'm telling you, I've been on a roll like this all day long.

They're coming out of me. You can't tell me that one.

I'll put that right under assassinations. That's a great area.

Harry.

Hey, what's that on your wrist? Is that a scar?

Scar? No, thanks. I don't smoke.

Oh, come on. You know you love that one. and I'm going to put that on the star.

Gary.

Gary, what's with your wrist? My wrist? There's nothing wrong with my wrist,

Nancy. I pulled it. I was waving at the people at the end of the dating game.

You know when they wave? I wave back, and I just... It was like a whiplash

thing. I pulled it right out.

It's just... It's a float that's coming out. All right, all right, all right.

Never mind.

I'll talk to you later. I hope your wrist is better.

See you later, Nancy.

I can't believe I lied to her. There's nothing wrong with my wrist. I didn't...

My wrist is in great shape. I didn't pull it out.

Look, it's fine. Yoo -hoo.

Yoo -hoo.

I could wave like this at you all day. Hello. Hello there.

You sure my dad's new ping -pong table had nothing to do with you coming to

visit me? No, Grant. No, no, no. We just lost touch. I haven't seen you in a

while. I wanted to see what a fine young gentleman you've become.

You look really nice.

That's a funny -looking paddle.

Looks like something a poor person would use.

What'd you do? Make it yourself?

Why don't you just go over to the other side of the table and serve?

Well, okay, but I'm going to use this brand new store -bought beauty.

Sam Shah.

Grant, just go down to the forest, get yourself a regular tree and a rubber

and carve yourself a paddle.

Okay. Get a couple of shoe trees while you're down there. We'll make some

Okay.

And some leaves, and we'll make some socks. Sounds good. Get some sweat

Get some heavy leaves from a eucalyptus. We'll make some sweat socks.

Okay.

I just wish Gary would have showed up to cheer me on. Yeah.

Let's go. All right, all right.

Nice, Kim.

Nice, nice, Kim.

Let's go. Keep it up. Keep up. Nice, but go.

Game point.

Lee Moon.

Come on, Kim.

Iron a tiger.

Come on, Kim.

Nice game.

Nice game. Nice job.

So, Nancy, which one of the Moon brothers is older, Lee or Kim? Oh, Lee,

months. But you know, they're different. Really?

Sure. He's a millionaire.

He actually has the penthouse at Trugman Towers. He looks down on his brother in

3C at our place. What a shame to see a family torn apart like that. I know, but

Lee applied himself.

Oh, by the way, Nancy, before I forget, you must come over and see the antique

cloth Pete put in the basement.

It cost a fortune, but it was worth it. It's an investment.

You have to have it insured. Oh, sure.

Let's go, Kim.

Come on. Come on, Kim. Yeah, go on, Kim.

Lee Moon Crackman Powers.

Sorry, Mr. Smith. I have dishonored your condo and brought shame to myself.

I hate my brother Lee.

Don't take it so hard.

We still have our race in the hole.

Your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen.

I've just been notified that Pete Schumacher of Happy Pilgrim Estates is

disqualified from the competition.

based on positive results of his drug test.

What?

Honey, have you been using steroids?

Yes, Jackie, I was popping them like they went out of style. How do you think

stayed up to study for the bar exam last week?

Pete, Pete, you don't take steroids to stay up.

Nancy, I'm a lawyer, not a doctor, okay? Back off.

Look, guys, we can't throw in the towel now. The stakes are too high. There's

going to be a clue at sunrise.

Who's going to play for Pete?

Jackie. Oh, no.

Nancy.

How about me?

Harry, what are you doing here?

Ah, you heard me. I'm here to play.

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

Replacing Pete Schumacher of Happy Pilgrim Estate, Gary Shandling.

Come on, Jerry.

Come on.

Woo! All right! All right.

Thanks, Jerry. All right, I'm just warming up. Come on, Jerry. Just warming

Just warming up. Come on, Jerry.

Nice!

to do is hit it through that little hole in his paddle every time now oh i

hadn't counted i'm getting another paddle he's the rich one isn't he match

That boy, Shantley.

The goddess

of

ping pong.

I can recognize her by her lighting.

Goddess, what are you doing here after all these years?

I've come to help you win.

Turn around, Gary.

I made this for you, Uncle Gary.

Spare pad down.

Come on, Gary.

Come on, Gary.

You have a gift, Gary.