Original subtitles

Live from Sherman Oaks, with national election returns, it's Gary Shandling.

Thank you.

Thank you, hello.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to the show. I know a lot of you are here because you can't wait to see

me screw up. So because we're live, this is the same crowd that goes to auto

races.

By the way, I don't know how that announcer got in my bedroom. I guess.

All right. He's in there all the time. I got to be honest.

I have him announce everything I do.

It's really quite a treat now.

I know a lot of you at home, a lot of you here in our studio audience are

wondering, that's basically what you're wondering.

You're saying, Gary, how could the network have picked you?

to cover the elections.

I think the more important question is, why didn't they pick you?

Because I think the main thing that I bring to the whole works, the whole

shebang, is that, you know, Dan Rather and those guys, they do a decent job,

they're not going to bring you the entertaining part of the elections.

The news like when Michael Dukakis calls his wife, he goes, here kitty, kitty,

kitty, kitty, kitty, here kitty, kitty, kitty, come on, quit playing with the

dog.

There's proof right there that we're live because some of these jokes are not

tested, ladies and gentlemen.

That's right.

We're live. We're live because this is a neat little set. I love this thing.

We're live because I don't have enough goddamn stress in my life.

We're live because my doctor said, Gary, how can we make your cholesterol level

go just past your SATs?

That's right. We're live.

I'll show you the sweat a little later.

But this is going to be exciting.

I'm going to keep you really up to date on what's going on. We'll get the

opening theme out of the way.

And while we listen to the opening theme, I'm going to put on C -SPAN. So

get bored over in this area, your eye can go right over into this area.

And if you want to watch something else, just call in. I have many, many

telephones.

See you after the theme.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far?

How do you like the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Well, we did get one call from Mr. Joseph Eastern of Syracuse, New York,

wants to watch The Godfather.

Well, who wouldn't? Who wouldn't right now?

Now, let's go right to some of the results, and then we'll check in and see

what's happening live. That's John Kerry, I believe, who, to me, looks much

Jay Leno.

Now,

the, well,

you guys probably didn't get that. Our director didn't pan over to the monitor

because we're live and he's confused.

Now, as many of you tuning in probably know, if you're not drunk, the...

Now, of course, General Bush, I mean George Bush, he's leading by

a huge margin. This is according to all of the other networks and

several wire service polls. Bush is leading in most of the southern states.

got 33 % of the vote in. This is important to remember. Only 33 % of the

vote is in, and the projections are Bush is leading 54 % to 46%.

in the popular vote, but several of the networks claim that he has enough

electoral votes to already win the presidency.

The mistake a lot of the networks are making is that they don't have

this baby right here.

This is our DVRM. Now, this is a direct viewer response meter.

We have the highest technology known to man.

That's why we're on cable and the Fox network simultaneously.

This little lady will be... They'll

never let me do this again, ladies and gentlemen.

This little lady right here, which I have 100 % faith in, will be tabulating

our home audience, our home viewing audience, voted...

over the course of the show. Now, this is a far more sweeping, a far more

sweeping range to give us an idea of just how the electorate really feels. Am

making myself clear?

Now, let's take a look. With 7 % of our home audience being accounted for so

far. Now, who are those? Is that them? Is that the two candidates?

Okay.

Those are very nice pictures of them. I have 8x10s better than that. Now, see,

this is interesting.

Now, I wouldn't have guessed this, and seriously, that with 7 % of our viewing

audience in Michael Dukakis has a slight 2 % lead.

This is, of course, with just we have about a half percent margin of error

there. So we'll see if the trend holds during the evening.

Nothing so far over there. So let's move right along and here with more results.

is our political analyst and my good friend, Don Cornelius. Oh, Don.

Hello, Don.

Good to see you.

Hi,

Jerry, and thank you.

What's the word so far? What have you got there, Don? And I want to

you for having the deepest voice on television.

What have you got so far for us now?

Well, although Bush has an early lead in the East, we have two states that have

just come in, Massachusetts and

Iowa, with a

total of 21 electoral votes for Dukakis.

That is something. Later.

Maybe we can move that map over so I don't have to... You

know, the...

Now, the governor is doing very, very, very, very well and

performing very well, as is my friend Don Cornelius, I might add. Don, you

as comfortable discussing the political candidates as you do discussing the

Commodores on Soul Train, if I may say.

Gary, there are many sides to Don Cornelius.

Don't I know? I have many of his clown paintings.

Thank you, Don. What an excellent, excellent report.

And now, let's turn to the human side of this election for just a second.

And for that, let's go over to my good friend and political analyst, Don

Cornelius. So, Don.

Don. Thank you again, Gary.

Right now, I'm standing outside your bedroom waiting for a very special

bellwether family that lives right here in Germany. Oh, terrific.

Let's see. Oh, it's the Schumachers. Well, great.

Gary. Hey, you guys.

Hello. You're going to tell us about this amazing phenomenon where Grant can

actually predict the presidential winner by, what, using creamed corn? Is this

correct? That's right, Derek. Ever since our son was a baby, if we put two bowls

of creamed corn on the floor, then little Grant... Honey, honey, why don't

just roll the film?

Sure, sweetheart. Thank you.

Was there a film to roll? Well,

there's little Grant.

Yeah. That's little Grant in 1976.

What baby Grant didn't know was that one of the bowls was labeled Carter and one

of the bowls was labeled Ford.

How could I know? I couldn't read.

Well, those are my eating glasses.

Now, look, he's going for the bowls of cream corn. Now, he went for the Carter

bowl. You see, and as you know, Carter beat Ford in 1976.

Well, there it is.

There it is.

That's truly amazing.

Thank you.

And in 80?

Well, in 1980, Grant spurned the Carter cream corn and opted for the Reagan

cream corn.

And in 84, I ate the Reagan cream corn again.

Well, this is something. I just hope that, Grant, you are now

ready. to predict the winner of this current election, the 41st president of

United States, because Don Cornelius cooked up some cream corn for us.

You ready, son?

Yeah, it's been four years since I had my last bowl of cream corn. Well, settle

down.

I'd like to emphatically stress right now that you will not see anything like

this on the other networks.

Okay, I'm just going to mix them up here.

Proof again that we're live. I could go on like this the whole show.

People just go, honey, how long is he going to be doing that?

Now, let's see.

Take your time and pick the winner of the election.

I'd like to add as a footnote that if Grant throws up any of the cream corn,

means the president will be serving a second term.

Well, I'm sure both candidates are really glued to their TV sets.

Take your time now, Grant.

Does he always take this? There you go.

Oh,

boy. He has really definitely picked one.

Oh, boy.

When did you feed him last, Gary?

All right. Let's see what the ball says. This is very exciting.

Dukakis. Dukakis. That's it.

Now,

this is really something.

Mom, I think I ate too fast. Oh, I think I have gas.

Gas. That means war in the Mideast. Gas.

We'd better go. It's already past 11 on the East Coast. Well, thanks for coming

by. Thank you. I'm so tired.

Bye, Gary. Bye. I'll see you guys. Thank you. See you, Pete. Thanks. Bye, Don.

Bye, Don Forney.

Bye -bye. Bye.

Gallery, we're getting some early returns from California and Oregon.

And the caucus is leading.

Oh, wow.

I think I smell a trend.

Do you smell it, too? I started to smell it over there. I'm just a... I smelled

something over there, and I'm starting to taste it now. It won't be long before

I'm digesting it, and, uh... Well, you know the rest from there, Don. All

Hiya, Gare.

Leonard. Mr. Z.

Uh... Leonard, Leonard, if this isn't proof we're

live, you've clearly paid people off to applaud when you enter.

Gare, I'm really...

Truly sorry to interrupt your live election coverage, but I do have to put

tomorrow's edition of the Condo Newsletter to bed soon, and I need to

headline to go with. Dukakis defeats Bush, or Bush defeats Dukakis. And that

will also determine which jokes go in Leonard's Cracker Barrel on page two.

Well, I can understand the importance of that.

You know, um... It's interesting that you've come at this time because, you

know, we were just discussing, Don and I, that there seems to be a Dukakis

going on here. We've been paying attention to it. Our DVRMC has actually

We'll take another look at this. Let's take another look with 47 % of the vote

in.

Well, now look at this. Dukakis has stretched to a four -point lead,

to our DVRM.

Also, I find that really interesting. Also, the cream corn thing, I think

there's no reason to stretch this show out. We're 14 minutes in. I think I'm

ready to commit. I'm going to go on record right now and say that It's Gary

Shandling's show officially projects Michael Dukakis the next president of

United States.

And I think we're, you know...

One second, we're 14 minutes into the show. I think that puts us way ahead in

projecting ahead of the other networks. I think it's taken them two and a half

hours, at least two and a half hours. Hot damn, Gare. Well, I'm pretty

I guess the people have spoken, huh?

Now I can go to press with these killer Bush jokes. Oh, don't, don't, don't. You

shouldn't make fun of him just because he lost. I mean, he's a wonderful man,

and he had a wonderful campaign.

Don't make jokes. Come on, have a little fun. It's the American way.

No, Leonard, no, no, no. Here,

take a gander at this one, huh?

What does Barbara Bush call the federal budget?

Lunch money?

Yeah. What is that, like a fat gander?

No, Garrett, it's the last chance.

That's a good indicator, Garrett. But it is the last chance for these gags, you

know, because by next week, no one will even remember the fat ox.

Oh, gee whiz.

Leonard, I don't think you want to be talking about... I just thought of one,

Garrett.

Oh. Can I tell it? Hey.

Go ahead, little buddy.

What's the difference between Don Cornelius and George Bush?

Uh... Hey, I give.

I have a hot tub, and he married one.

No, no, it's all right. You're not going to believe this, but Michael Dukakis

has already won the presidency.

We've declared him the winner, and I'm free as can be. I'm out of here. Michael

Dukakis? Yeah.

I heard it was Bush.

Bush? Bush didn't even run.

Never mind that. Gary, we just came over to see if you wanted to go get a drink

with us. You're probably too busy wrapping up all this election stuff. No,

done.

I could...

A drink sounds great. You guys want to go get a drink with... No.

You at home. I mean, I could go on and on and now make other projections about

Senate races, but let's go get a drink. Let me just go put my drinking pants on

and I'll come right back.

Say, Don?

Yes, Leonard?

Would you be interested in playing a record I made on Soul Train?

Oh, no.

Fair enough.

Who are you? My name's Strangley. I'm with the network. I am Leonard Smith,

of the condo association.

I'm real impressed.

Where is Shandling?

He's in his room.

He's changing into his drinking trousers.

Great.

Pretty exciting election, huh, Mr. Strangley?

Sure is. I just wish Shandling had been covering it.

Uh -oh.

Gambling!

Ho, ho, ho. Hee, hee, hee.

Hoo, hoo, hoo. Little Don Chugga, I love thee. Hee, hee, hee. Ho, ho, ho. What a

great election show. I am...

Get over

by the screen.

Come on.

Move over.

You know, just because this is a live show doesn't mean you get to peek at my

private parts.

Now, doesn't that maintain the mystery a little more?

The only people who get to see me naked are a very selected few.

And, of course, Miss Don Cornelius Clown.

Maintains the mystery this way.

Oh, hey, Mr. Strafley.

Let me see. You know, I just want you to know, sir, I have had...

Such a blast hosting this election thing. I would love if we could do this

year. Every year we should do it. How could you declare the caucus the winner?

Bush is clearly the winner.

Don't buy that stuff, sir. I'm telling you that... No, no, no. Listen to me. My

DVRMC, my direct viewer response meter, shows that the Dukakis is a lock, and

also the cream corn thing. Cream corn. Listen, Shandling, Dukakis is at Boston

headquarters right now. He's getting ready to make a confession speech.

You got it?

Well, someone should stop him, sir. He didn't lose.

I'm telling you.

I'm telling you, there's a mistake.

There's a mistake. Nobody hired you. Call him. Nobody hired you to play with

cream corn. You saw the... Shandling. You were hired to read election results,

and you blew it.

You blew it, and not only did you blow that, but you insulted our new president

and our new first lady. Wait a minute. By calling her a fat ox.

Wow. A fat ox. Wow.

No, sir.

You missed... We said a fox. Fat ox. A fox.

She's a...

All the news services, all the networks are declaring Bush the winner. Chandler,

just listen. Listen to me for a second. I want you to stay in your room, and I

want you to think about what you've done. No, sir.

Don't punish me. Did you hear my kitty -kitty joke?

He can't be right, can he?

Is he right? Did Bush... Is he going to make... What if Bush...

What if by some fluke Dukakis loses and Bush wins?

Boy, they're going to be so mad at me. Oh, great, I'm going to pass out from

stress and embarrassment on national television.

Watch.

Who's that?

Barbara Bush?

Barbara.

So, George and I are losers, huh?

And I'm a fat ox? No, Barbara.

No, I said you're a fax. A fax. A fax machine. I said you're one of the swim

models. You look very dainty in pearls, Barbara.

Thank you. No, Barbara.

Barbara. Slow down.

That's the worst nightmare I've ever had.

Oh, man. But a good live stunt.

Hey.

Is the show over? Is the show over?

Can I go?

Can you dig it?

And what's your name?

Mary.

Way to get down, baby.

And you are?

And you girls voted for?

And that's why we're having this party.

for a second, and it turns into this. I'm telling you. Gary,

what is the matter with you? Are you ready to go out for the drink or what?

going to go for a drink. I just have to do this. I have so little time left. I

have to wrap it up. I have two and a half minutes, Peter?

Just excuse me one second. Look, excuse me, everybody.

Look, I guess I have some apologies to make. All right, first of all, I'd like

to apologize to Barbara Bush. Barbara, I'm sorry.

We made some cheap jokes at your expense, and it wasn't fair. You're a

woman who's loyal to her husband, and I only hope, seriously, when I get

married, I find half the woman, and I literally mean that.

And also, I didn't mean it that way, Barbara, I swear.

I'm rushing, I'm saying things I don't mean. But you'll have a wonderful

husband, Barbara.

But Barbara, your husband lost.

Your husband lost the election.

I'm telling you, Michael Dukakis will be the next president of the United

States. I'm checking with my DVR MC.

Look, he's still ahead.

Can we get a shot of this monitor?

Can we get a shot of this monitor?

Michael Dukakis is right now.

Michael, please don't be making a concession speech.

I'm telling you, I got to call him.

Excuse me, Leonard. I got to call him. I'm telling you, folks, this is the

information. It is not. I would not believe the results. When you wake up in

morning and see George Bush is president of the United States, the election is

fixed, ladies and gentlemen.

The election is fixed.

It's Michael Dukakis, and I'm going to stick by that.

Don't change the headline.

Don't change the headline, Leonard. I'm going to call Michael Dukakis. This is

too heavy for me. This is all. I can never do this again, ladies and

Good night. Don, please. I just want to dance.

Can we just dance?

All my hard work. I'm sticking with everybody.

And that's just about all, y 'all. We thank you very much for joining us.

It's Gary Shandling. Show will be back next week, and you can bet your last

money it's all going to be a stone gas, honey. I'm Don Cornelius, and as always

in parting, we wish you love.

Peace. And you got it, Gary.

Sold on. Sold.

I'm telling you.