Original subtitles

Welcome.

Really, welcome to tonight's show. The name of our show, for those of you who

are first -time viewers, is It's Gary Shandling Show.

And I'm Gary Shandling.

Now,

to

those of you who want to know a little bit more about me, and I know there's

probably one or two of you.

This is the living room where I normally come out at the beginning of each show

and do an opening monologue right from those steps over there. Yeah. Or what I

thought were jokes, you know. It's very tenuous, really.

But tonight, there's no pressure on me whatsoever because tonight it's such a

beautiful Sunday afternoon.

I thought we'd just take a stroll around the neighborhood and see what everybody

else was up to.

Well, that idea seems to appeal to you, so... Well, maybe you've never been in

Sherman Oaks before. It's really a lovely, quiet community, and...

Hear the birds?

Those are the same birds you hear when Popeye knocks you out.

Isn't this a lot less painful?

Seriously.

So rather than ruin the peacefulness of this glorious afternoon, why don't,

instead of just blasting the theme, why don't I just listen to it on my walk,

man?

While I start my walk, man.

If I would write a theme

song.

I'm almost halfway finished.

How do you like it so far?

Gary Show.

It's named the Gary Show.

It's named the Gary Show.

Shoot here. I lost some credits.

It's Gary Shandling.

It's named the Gary Shandling Show.

Now, this is my platonic friend, Nancy.

That's right. You can applaud if you like.

That's nice. That's nice of you because you so rarely get applause in your very

own home. Think about it. That was very sweet of you.

Look, she's wearing a big man shirt and a...

Panties. Basically the same thing I have on right now.

Oh, Wanda's just going great with him.

Yeah, we went to this terrific Italian restaurant last night and we drank two

bottles of wine.

What's that?

Oh, someone must have just said something funny on the other end of the

Gosh, don't you wish it was a speakerphone?

She must be talking about her new boyfriend, Dominic. He's a great guy.

Oh, yeah.

Sure. Twice last night.

What could they be talking about? Last night? Did she say twice? No.

No, that's humanly impossible.

Twice in one night. Come on.

This is Leonard Smith's place. He's head of the condo association.

And proud owner of the clap -on lighting system.

That's right.

Clap on, clap off.

The Clapper.

What a name for a product.

Gunter.

Gunter, come here, boy.

Oh, gee, a lost cat.

You know, that's about the biggest problem we have here in Sherman Oak.

than the time Leonard Smith swallowed part of his robe.

Come on, Gunter.

Little Gunter Shen, don't do this to me, baby.

Gosh, I wish I could help him look for his cat, but I just can't get involved

because of my prime directive.

That's right. I can observe my friends, but I can't get involved with their

lives.

That's right. Star Trek took that from us.

Is that a great gadget or what?

Nice feeling of power for you guys, isn't it? Anyway,

let's go see the Schumachers.

They live a couple blocks away, and we can take my bike.

This is my 12 -speed Nashiki.

This is my, yeah, with an orthopedic seat.

Come on, don't laugh. It helps me, really.

It's a beautiful day. Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

It's Eddie.

Eddie! No, you don't know Eddie. That's why you're not applauding. Let me

explain it to you.

I know you're confused right now. Eddie's been at this newsstand for over

years now, and he's really, really a great guy. One time I didn't have money

a newspaper, and he spotted me a quarter, and I'm going to show him that

trust in me is really well -founded by paying him back real soon.

Oh, and Officer Henderson.

He's the best cop we have here in Sherman Oaks. A real... Well, there...

Oh, no, no, no. He's not reading, but... Uh -oh. I don't know if we can show

that, but... He's not really reading. He's actually looking for something

illegal. Trust me on that.

I say he finds four things.

Hey, Eddie.

Hey, Officer Anderson.

So, what's new?

Well, uh, you hear they found Leonard Smith's cut.

Oh, that's a relief.

Mm -hmm. It was up a tree in the corner of, uh, 3rd and Main.

The elm tree?

No, the maple across the street.

Oh, that's a great tree. I've spent a lot of time up there myself, really.

I go up there to clean myself most of the time.

And you know, these guys will gossip about just about anything that goes on

the neighborhood.

Henderson, you want to hear something real cute?

Yeah, sure.

Luke Rand Schumacher, he has a big crush on Nancy.

He's sending her flowers and everything.

She's a bit mature for him, isn't she?

Well, when I was his age, I went for the older women, too. Yeah.

Hey, let me show you the new issue that just came in of Troy.

That's really sweet, isn't it? That Grant has a crush on our Nancy.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

I wonder what Grant wears when he's on the phone.

Anyway.

Gee, I see they don't have the new issue of Field and Stream. I was kind of

hoping it was out because I'm hoping they printed that humorous letter I sent

them about my recent fishing experiences.

Yeah, I'd tell you all about it, but then you won't buy the magazine, will

Yeah, I know how you guys are. All right, come on.

Let's go to the Schumacher's.

Oh, that's right. They live very, very close to the newsstand.

Very close. In fact, sometimes the magazine deliveries end up on the

Schumacher's porch.

And Pete goes, oh, I gotta cancel some of my subscriptions.

Look, they're like a perfect family, aren't they? On a perfect Sunday

Hey,

Grant, come on. You're gonna miss all the fun.

The captain's about to connect the axle.

Come on.

I'm no aviation expert, but I'd say those wheels go on the bottom of the

She's right.

Honey? You are a model wife, a model mother, and a model builder.

Oh.

Gee,

I'm no aviation expert, but isn't Jackie breastfeeding a baby on national

television?

Dad, could we finish this a little later?

I'd like to go to the park and clear my head.

Okay, sure, son. Yeah, okay.

We know what he has on his mind. You know, Nancy, the older woman.

Just make sure you get back in time to do your homework.

Right.

Homework. I hated school. I was the worst at taking exams. You know, once I

an exam and the question was, the earth was once covered by glaciers. When was

that?

I put, in the winter.

You can read that one in Jack and Jill. I send in all my jokes.

He seems so distracted.

And his grades are off.

Honey, I'm worried about our son.

I am too, Curly Bear.

You don't think he could be slow, do you?

Boy, I wish I could put their minds at ease by telling them, you know, that

Grant's just going through a cute little schoolboy crush.

But I can't get involved.

You know, I'm really stuck. Come on.

Let's just go over to my mom's. Come on. She's making taffy.

laugh at just about anything.

Okay, now for a little trick riding. This is something you don't normally see

do.

One hand.

Thanks so much.

Okay, wait. No feet.

Yeah,

don't tell my mom I ride like this. She'll take my bike away.

Oh, I wonder who sent me these.

Yeah, I'd kind of like to know who sent them, too. I mean, if somebody sends you

flowers, yeah, I'd like to know who sent them. You know what I mean? Oh, right.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What?

What?

You're more interested in this little lover's quarrel than seeing my mom make

happy?

Well, maybe you're right.

Come on, Tom. I know you sent them.

You sent the flowers and you sent that candy.

Yeah, the candy. Very romantic.

Don't be embarrassed.

I didn't send the flowers.

I really didn't.

You didn't? Uh -uh.

Then who did?

Nancy? The heat is on. Love me. Come on. That me is not me. That's not my me.

There's another me.

We all know it's Grant Schumacher.

Are you seeing somebody else?

Because I don't want to get into this any deeper if you're hiding something

me. I'm not seeing something. Would I ask you who the flowers were from if I

didn't think they were from you?

Then why are you getting so defensive, huh?

Getting defensive?

No, wait a minute, mister. You're overreacting. You're jealous.

Jealous of me? I don't get jealous. Oh, oh, you don't get jealous.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you two up or down?

Hey!

Hi!

It's me, Gary Shandling.

Say, um, gee, you know, I know I'm really not supposed to meddle, but I

can't let this senseless argument go on when I know exactly what's going on.

Look, I was just driving by, and I heard you two guys shouting, and it's such a

nice Sunday afternoon. Come on. Cut it out.

Look, I know exactly who sent those flowers.

You do?

Yeah.

Grant Schumacher has a crush on you.

Oh, you're kidding.

Grant Schumacher? He's just a little kid.

No, I know.

I know, but, you know, he's at that age. I remember when I was 15, I had a crush

on my teacher. She was 40, and now she's 68 now.

And she still won't return my cards and phone calls. I don't know what's going

on there.

But I'm going to wear her down.

I'm going to stay at it. Maybe the home's not forwarding my stuff.

Anyway, it is Grant that sent those flowers, so you guys don't have... Oh, I

just think that's adorable.

Yeah, you should talk to him because, you know, he's very distracted at

His grades are falling. This whole thing's got him all messed up. Oh, no,

not good.

No, and I happen to know he's at the park right now.

So maybe you could go over and...

Oh, sure. That's a great idea.

Well, good. Thanks, Gary. Hey, I'm glad it worked out. Thanks a lot for clearing

this up. Oh, sure.

My pleasure.

Nance.

I'm sorry.

Hey,

come on. Okay. All right. Come on. Maybe the three of us should go out sometime.

Well,

it looks like I can be of no further help here since I didn't bring any

depressors. All right.

You know, I know I'm not supposed to interfere, but no, no, don't laugh at

think I did exactly the right thing there. In fact, I frankly think I'm

sleep very, very well tonight.

Really. Oh, there's little Grant.

Boy, he looks like a boy in love, doesn't he?

Oh, and there's Nan.

Boy, this is going to be great. Let's watch.

Hi, Grant.

Hi, how are you?

Come on, let's see what happens.

How long have I known you?

Well, um, 13.

Well, then, 13 years.

Yeah. Because I knew you when you were a little baby.

Yeah. I saw you take your first step.

In fact, I saw you when you went to your first day of school. I just... I feel

like family.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

Sure.

Boy, Grant's really a brave soldier, isn't he?

And how about Nance? Is she being gentle or what? You know... If my teacher,

Mrs. Simpson, had been like this, she wouldn't have had to get that court

to make me stay away from him.

You know, Grant, there comes a time in every boy's life, and,

well, of course, every girl's, too, where, uh, you know, you start to notice

opposite sex. Oh, wait, wait.

I've already had this talk with Officer Henderson.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm sure you... Well, of course.

Yeah. No, Grant, what I'm trying to say is that... Oh, I'm really flattered that

you have a crush on me.

I don't... Aunt Nancy, I don't have a crush on you.

Oh. Would you get that idea?

Come on. It's okay. Gary told me. Don't be embarrassed.

And I think the flowers were really lovely.

I didn't send you flowers.

I sent them to her.

Oh, my girlfriend, Nancy.

Is it my imagination or have the birds stopped singing?

They didn't have any fudgicles, so I got us some Eskimo pie.

Great. Nancy, this is my girlfriend, Nancy.

Hi. That would be Nancy that you...

Have a crush on. Yeah.

Geez, she's an older woman. She's a ninth grade.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to kill Gary.

No hard feelings?

Oh, no, of course, no hard feelings.

Congratulations to the two of you.

You'll excuse me, won't you?

Bye.

Oh, she's just a platonic friend.

I swear.

Grant.

Maybe she means nothing to me.

Boy, the weather sure has changed since the start of the show, hasn't it?

But that's okay. Cold weather gives me a chance to rub my arms, and I kind of

like it, quite frankly.

You know, once in a blizzard, I actually got to third base with myself.

That's right. I look forward to winter. Give me a break. Don't moan with me.

Don't moan on me. Seriously. Let me have my fun.

Gary. Man.

Why did you tell me that Grant Schumacher sent me those flowers? I just

humiliated myself in front of him. I saw. I saw. I don't know how to

I've been there myself. I've been the other girl in that situation. It's a

awkward circumstance. So embarrassing.

Nice job.

Oh, great. Here he comes.

Nice job! Little Nancy dropped me like a hot potato because she thought I was

coming on the giant Nancy over there. Well, no, I didn't. Okay, Mr.

Smart Guy.

Who are you protecting?

Dominic. Grant didn't send the flowers. Who did? I wasn't protecting anybody.

It's just that I have some explaining to do, pal.

Peter, when did you come in? I didn't even see you come in. Oh, don't play the

innocent, Gary. If you had just told us that little Grant had a crush on that

girl, we wouldn't have thought he was slow. You mean I should have told him?

Gary, we hired a special tutor. A tutor?

And you deprived us of helping him at this crucial point in his ascent to

manhood. Well, wait. He's got a lot of steps left.

I'm still ascending. Shut up.

This change in the weather has ruined my papers, my magazines.

Oh, you have to blame me for all of this.

I can't believe you.

Why did you need Nancy to believe that Grant got her the flowers that I got

You got her? Yeah.

Wait a minute. Nancy, the heat is on. Love me? Well, yeah, you were bugging me

about fixing that furnace, so I finally did. Now the heat is on.

Well, there you have it. It's all his fault.

This

has

been a nice little Sunday afternoon

stroll, hasn't it?

Everything's worked out pretty well. I'm back in my favorite lighting.

And I think if we learned anything this afternoon, I think it's that I shouldn't

get involved in commotions like that.

So why don't we just keep going with our little stroll?

I know this blazy little town just down the pathway here. Why don't you go with

me? It's called New York.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandling Show.