All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s02e09 Killer Routine

Thank you.

There's always so much more applause
before the show than right after the

Anyway, I'm a little nervous about
tonight's show. So good to see you all.

I'm a little nervous because tonight is
actually the first show.

Well, I'm not real nervous, first of
all.

Well, I'm wearing dress shields.

But then I always wear dress shields.

There's one man in the audience who
likes dress shields.

And, you know, when I make love, I
actually wear sweatbands.

Well, because that's how much I sweat.
When I make love, I wear sweatbands.

I'm going to work to this one man,
ladies and gentlemen.

The truth is I'm a little nervous
because tonight is the

first night on the show we're actually
going to show me working in a nightclub.

And, yeah, you're excited.

I know what you're thinking. Gee, if
we'd known we were going to spend the

in some slimy, smoke -filled room that
smells like alcohol, we could have gone

into the kids' room.

But this will be really so much more fun
because, of course, it's a comedy room

and we're going to have a lot of fun
because there'll be no kids there.

You know, I'm going to... Can I check
who this guy is?

Normally, I don't like guys who laugh at
jokes that no one else laughs at,

but... Can I do this?

Where are you, sir?

This is David Woods.

He's normally not on camera because he
comes and does the warm -ups before the

show. Thank you, David. Good job.

Is he funny?

David's funny?

Oh, this is nice. What are you writing
down here, sir? Are you taking notes?

a TV critic, and I don't want to wait
until it goes on the air.

Very good.

That's a nice sweater you're wearing,
really.

It seems only fair we can critique you
as well.

Now look at this guy.

This is, by the way, how you should all
laugh. If you ever come to this show,

this is an example.

Nice to see you, sir. What is your name?

Norman Wax. Norman Wax. And is this your
wife?

Yes, it is, Gary.

Yeah, this is my wife.

Yeah, the wonders of nitrous oxide,
ladies and gentlemen.

That's my wife, Rose. Yeah, oh.

Let's explain it a few more times.

Where are you guys from?

We live right here in the valley, Gary.
San Fernando Valley. Oh, thank you.

For a minute, I thought maybe they lived
with Rudy Valley.

Really. He can't help it, Gary.

He's your biggest fan. Oh, that's nice
of you.

That's nice of you.

What do you do for a living, Norman? I
do real estate.

Commercial or residential?

I do both.

Oh, great. Well, gee, if I ever want to
live in a Dairy Queen, I'll give you a

call.

You know... He's not spitting on you.

Actually,

I had a realtor who once showed me a
house here in the Valley. It was like

,000, and he said, well, it has a great
view. I said, for $350 ,000, I'd better

open up the curtains and see breasts
against the window.

I don't want to see lights for $350
,000.

I can buy lights. You can buy lights.
You know what I mean, Norman? Whoa, down

the wrong foot.

That's all right. The thing about...
Okay, loosen it up then. Loosen it up.

right. Okay. Is he all right? Is
something wrong? Oh, gee. Is he... Oh,

something's wrong.

Norman. He's not breathing.

Oh, my God. Is there a doctor?

Is there a doctor?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up

and asked if I would write his theme
song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you
like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's
show.

All right, the guy died, okay?

I've never seen anything like it. I
don't know what to say. One minute he's

there laughing, and the next minute he's
dead. I feel horrible about this.

Oh, thanks for snickering. That's a
really nice one.

Pete, thanks for coming over, really. I
appreciate it. It's a very difficult

time right now.

You really don't expect a thing like
this to happen, Gary. Oh, I'd say.

I mean, if a man is crossing the street
and he gets hit by a car, or if he's a

matador, I mean, that's to be expected.

But when you come to a comedy show, I
mean, who expects this?

It's terrible.

Was he married?

Yes, he was married.

Children? Children.

My God, that could have been me and my
family.

Pete, try just a little bit to say
something that might cheer me up. Just

one little thing.

Gary, it's very sad.

You just killed a man who loves you.

And Gary, when word gets out, forget
about it. You'll be lucky if anybody

to the show.

Good one. That really, that lifted me
right up.

glossy move, Uncle Gary.

Picking on an old man because he
wouldn't laugh at your jokes.

It just so happened he was laughing very
hard, Grant.

Oh, apparently not enough for Mr. Hey,
look at me.

I'm Gary Shanley.

No. You had to slug him.

I didn't. That's not what happened, son.
The man died from laughing too hard.

That's right.

Oh, that's not the word on the street.

But if that's your story...

I'll play along because I don't want you
to come after me, Uncle Gary.

Don't push me, Grant.

Gary. Gary,

you ready?

Oh, hi, Nance. Ready for what?

Well, your nightclub engagement doesn't
start at 9 o 'clock. No, no, I'm not

going. I can't go and be funny tonight.

Gary, Gary, now listen to me.

You did not kill Norman Wax. Well, says
who? He just happened to... die while he

was laughing at your old breast pressed
against the window joke.

Jeez, Uncle Gary, I can't believe you
stole my breast against the window joke.

That's right, and now there's blood on
your hands as well, okay?

His joke. I've been framed when you get
right down to it.

Gary.

It was an accident.

And you shouldn't feel responsible.

Now, come on. Get dressed. Let's go to
the club. No. No, no.

It's a waste. It'll be a waste of time.
I'm not going.

Gary, if you were a man, you would go to
that club.

Well, if you were a man, you'd grow a
beard like Pete.

Okay, I will.

Oh, you... Oh, well.

Okay. I'm going to have to go to the
club because she can grow one.

She's always had that over me. No matter
how hard I try, I can't grow a beard.

Okay, I'll go.

Ryan is amazing swords, ladies and
gentlemen.

There's a new way to floss your teeth.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to
ask you a question.

How's my hair?

Well, The next gentleman knows the
answer to that question because you've

him on the Today Show and his own
television program, which I understand

charming. Of course, I haven't seen it.

Have any of you seen it?

Well, be that as it may, let's get
together and give an extra special

Gary Funny Shandling.

I set up that hair thing for you.

Nice to see you. Nice to be here at Mr.
Peck's in the Valley.

Anyway,

you know, the

last girl I made love to, I said, was it
good for you? She said, you know, I

don't think this is good for anybody.

I know it sounds weird. I quit. I'm
through.

Gary! Hey, Blinkin', how come everybody
else can grow a beard?

Ruth, there must be something we can do.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute have I got an idea.

Why don't we... That could work. And how
about...

If only we could just... Good, all
right, it's settled. We get Carl Reiner

come over and cheer up Gary. Great idea.

Today, thanks to advances in scientific
and industrial technology, the world of

work offers greater opportunities.

30 ,000 different occupations. I'm
thinking about a new career, that's

Good haircut on that guy.

Good haircut on this guy.

I love these things.

You know what I could do? I could... I
could...

You know what I think I should do in a
new career? I should be an actor on one

of these things.

I wonder who this could be.

Carl Reiner!

Right.

Right.

Carl Reiner.

Like, we're going to get Carl Reiner.

You should get your money back, right?

Mother called and whispered that you
were thinking of giving up performing.

Oh.

Can I get you something?

Is that Chinese food?

Oh, yeah.

Is it cold? Oh, yeah. It's very cold.
Oh, great.

Great. Great.

Ice cold. Good.

Carl, I didn't know things were that
bad.

Would you like a fork?

Oh, it's fine.

Mmm. Delicious.

Well, I'm glad you came by because I am
thinking about quitting.

Why?

Because, uh... Somebody died laughing in
the audience.

First time, huh?

Yeah. That's the hardest one.

You mean this happens?

Oh, Gary, this stuff happens all the
time. We don't like it, but it's one of

grim realities of our business.

You're kidding.

It's happened to all of us on the show
of shows. Sid Caesar was responsible for

two or three casualties every week.

Is that right?

I'm starting to feel better.

The 2 ,000 -year -old man. Oh, one of my
favorites. Mel Brooks and I killed 25

people with that bit.

And that was mainly at parties for our
friends.

Is that right?

I had no idea.

Well, this is really nice of you. I
appreciate what you're trying to do, but

I've decided I'm hanging up my lips. The
decision's made.

Gary, you can't hang up your lips.

Just out of curiosity, how would you go
about hanging up those lips?

I don't really hang them up, Carl.
They're folded. It's much like an

flag.

It's a whole ceremony. The color guard
comes, they play taps, and they fold it

up.

I can't even... I lower my lips at night
all the time.

And then I keep a spotlight on my lips.
You're so funny, you can't give that up.

Yes, I can. No.

Now, look.

Look.

Steve Martin has killed more people than
you'll ever kill.

Well, I don't use props.

Look, he was going to pack it in. He was
going to quit. He was going to pack it

in. Really? But when he went to his
first funeral, he changed his mind.

Now, I guarantee you, when you go to
that funeral... Wait, I'm not going to

funeral. You've got to go. I'm not going
to the funeral. You've got to go. I

killed the guy. Don't you understand?

I'm not... This is a catharsis for you.
No. And it'll be especially good for the

family. Oh, you mean so they can take
their hostility out on you. Their venom.

Their venom.

They'll wash... That venom will wash
over you and it'll wash out your guilt.

You've got to go to the funeral.

Good for us.

Good for us. Right.

Well, wash the venom and wash the guilt.
Right. I'm going to go. I've never been

wrong about this. You never have.

That's good advice. I'm going to go. I'm
going to go. Maybe it will be good.

Listen. I should go change. Am I in the
funeral scene?

No. Wait, wait, wait. Your mother called
me for this one lousy scene?

Yeah. Hey, Gar, Gar, I got a suit and my
toupee in the car.

I don't know what to say, Carl. Really.
You could say I could come.

I got to change.

Cold spaghetti and one little scene.

I think I'll make some long -distance
telephone calls.

Hey, no clowning around.

Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Shanley?

Oh, yeah. Uh -huh.

Did you know Norman?

Oh, well, you know, we had a few laughs
together.

Gary. Mrs. Wax.

How good of you to come.

Norman was so crazy about you.

Where's the venom? Where's the anger?

Where's the hostility? You pay a guy big
bucks, a big guest star like Carl

Reiner to come on and do a scene, give
you advice.

How come I still feel guilty?

This guy comes in, eats all my Chinese
food.

And I'll bet you anything he made some
long -distance phone calls.

I'm serious. Gene Wilder won't even have
him over to the house anymore.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Wax. I was just talking
to some friends.

Gary.

Norman is over there.

Oh, I thought that was him.

The services will start very soon, so
don't be too long.

Oh, okay.

That won't be a problem.

You know, I've never... I

should pay my respects, but I've
never...

Seen a dead guy before.

I'm kind of scared.

Will you guys go with me?

No.

Thanks.

You know, Norman, I don't like a guy who
wears this much makeup this early in

the evening.

Hey, Norman.

You know, Norman, I'm really sorry about
telling all those jokes and making you

laugh and everything, really.

If I'd known you were going to laugh
that hard at the breast joke, I wouldn't

have told it. I would have told some
jokes about fishing or something.

I'm really sorry. That's all in
hindsight now, Norman. I just feel

mean you know other jokes?

Was that a dead guy just talking to me?

Really, is my hair standing out
straight?

Be honest with me. And if it is, how
does it look? Does it look better this

Yeah. Oh, come on. Tell me the fishing
jokes.

Well, Norman, you know, I quit
performing.

please, or I'll tell God what you did on
prom night.

Oh, he's got me there.

Well, Norman, you know, you know, I used
to go fishing

with my friends, and we

were always, we'd go, we didn't know how
to fish, you know, and we're traveling

too fast in the boat. We're going like
40 miles an hour.

And I look back, And the worm is water
skiing.

You know, the worm's on one hook doing
tricks, you know. We're not catching a

darn thing.

So this other fisherman comes up to us
and says, hey, you know, you should go

the end of the lake. The fish are
spawning.

So I'm figuring, great, you know, we'll
be pulling them out two at a time.

You know, I'll get them right when
they're doing it.

You see what I'm saying? I don't want to
bother fish while they're spawning. I

don't want to be making love and someone
dangles pizza over the bed.

You know, and you're going, honey, just
a minute, there's pizza up there.

So then I go to this trout farm, right?
You know these places, Norman?

You know these places where they, like,
it's a private lake and they don't feed

the fish for like two years?

And you take ten bucks and you go in
there and fish are coming out on land

looking for food, you know?

I mean, Norman, you can just go, I got a
bat.

I was using a Kenny's Lover. What were
you using?

I used to go hunting with my dad. My dad
wouldn't use a gun or a rifle.

We just used to take a Buick down to a
deer crossing and wait.

He had a scope on the dashboard of the
car, Norman. See one hit him?

Never have guns around the house. One
time someone broke into the house. My

yelled, get the Volkswagen. There's a
burglar in the house.

I don't know, Norman. I've been having a
lot of trouble with my social life

lately.

Last girl I made love to, I said, was it
good for you? She said, you know, I

don't think this is good for anybody.

You can call her on if you like, but I'm
pretty sure about this, Gary.

I really hate when women talk, but I was
making love to this one woman, and she

was talking to the point where I had to
say, hey, hang up the phone and pay a

little attention.

I don't know, Norman.

Nice jacket. They should put expiration
dates on clothing so people know when

they go out of style.

Norman, that was just a joke.

Norman, look. Norman?

Norman. Gary, one last request, please.

Hey, anything you want, Norman? You're
the best audience I ever had.

Can I play my harp over the closing
credits while you dance with my wife,

You got it, pal.

We're both feeling great.

Well, that's our sh... Well, that's our
sh...

Well, that's our show.

That's right, we have a lot of cameramen
and, uh... We pay them a lot of... lot

of money, and I say let's keep them all
on their toes.

Well, I think that I'm going to do
comedy again. I feel great. You know, if

can make it... Are you happy? Really?
Yeah.

You know, if you can make a dead guy
laugh, you can make anybody laugh.

I think that's an old comedian saying.

And I hope you had a good time, and...

You know, that's our show for tonight,
and I'll see you next week, God willing.

Take it home, Norman.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Shandling's
show.