Original subtitles

All right, we're going to meet our next guest.

He's originally from Tucson, Arizona.

He doesn't like women who are pretty and know it and use it to hurt him.

He's a wonderful comedian. He says he looks like Gary Shandling, and sure

enough, he does. It's Gary Shandling.

Let's say hello.

On the surface, a man could be vain, insecure, indecisive, or maybe even a

little whiny.

But I don't care about that.

Underneath, he could very well be the greatest man that ever lived.

All right.

Well, now you've all met Gary and you know a little bit about him. You've seen

his three choices. Now Gary's going to tell us who he picked. Well, I would

been nuts not to pick Angelica.

Any romance on this day?

Well...

Tell him. You can tell him. You tell him.

No. Oh, you go ahead.

A little bit. Yeah, Chuck, there was a little bit of rumbling.

I beg your pardon? There was a little bit of rumbling. Well, just tell me a

little about it. Well, I welded the car door shut.

Oh, that's great. Have a seat there. Just make yourself at home. And I

You two suppose you'll be going out on a second date together?

I guess that's all the time we have for today. I'm Chuck Woolery. I hope all

your dates go as well as this one. It looks like we made a perfect match here.

Maybe one of the best.

This is a first. Welcome to Gary and Angelica's show.

That's right.

Bang.

You know, it's not just my show anymore.

Because in last week's show, Angelica and I met on the Love Connection. And

saw that clip.

And then... Don't applaud for everything, really.

And then she moved in in last week's show. I'm explaining all this because I

know we have no regular viewers.

And now she's here living with me.

Hi.

See, we're sharing the monologue now.

So, uh, anyway, I know what you're probably thinking. Oh, great, he's got

another Yoko Ono on his hand.

Gary's, you know, you know, protesting the war and doing the show naked from

bed.

Which really isn't a bad idea for a variety special. But really, I don't

you to be concerned. I'm going to be wearing the same beautiful outfits that

you're used to seeing in the original It's Gary Shandling show.

And we're going to have...

Just as much fun around here as we've always had. And if you don't believe me,

why don't you take a look at these pictures of what the week's been like

you listen to the new opening theme.

It's Gary and Angelica's show. Gary and Angelica's show. Gary called me up and

told me that he had a girlfriend.

I hear she's really pretty and things are going great. But Gary wants a new

theme for this show.

Gary and Angelica's show. Gary and Angelica's show. Gary put me on the spot

think of something different.

I think I'll keep the part of where I start to whistle. That's always seemed

work so well before.

So now it's Gary and Angelica's show.

First of all, I'd like to say, don't you think I look good in a dress, quite

frankly?

Thank you.

And it was a fun week, wasn't it, honey?

Mm -hmm.

What? Yes.

What's wrong? You're a little quiet, Anne.

Um, I guess I'm just a little intimidated by all your friends, Gary.

Oh, you mean the audience?

Yes. Well, you know, you can be comfortable.

They're just as afraid of you as you are of them.

Why don't you just say something nice?

Don't you remember I told you Pete was coming over? No.

Hey. Hey, Gare. What's going on?

Hey, Angelica.

Oh, it's Angelica, Pete.

Why don't you tell everybody where we're going?

Come on.

Oh, give it a try. You got to get used to it.

be the best one.

Is she great or what?

Come on.

Okay.

Um... Don't worry about me, Gary. I'll be fine. You sure?

Yes. Okay. Well, if you need anything, there's, uh, some emergency jokes in the

freezer. I want... I want... Okay, and if you want to use the flashback booth

any time dissolves, you feel free. No, I don't. Okay.

Miss you.

Miss you, Cherry Will.

Bye, my little teddy webby. Bye.

Honey.

Honey. What? Honey.

I don't think you want to be vacuuming. It ruins the reception at home for the

people watching.

Oh. Okay.

I didn't know that, Gary. That's okay. It gets all snowy and everything.

Oh, okay. There's no way you would, my little stone pony.

Bye, my little...

little Eskimo pie.

Basketball.

Is Gary around?

No, he went with Peter to play some basketball.

Oh, that's too bad.

Say, before he left, did he mention my musical number?

No.

Well, you see, traditionally on the show, I come over and clown around with

a little bit, and then I sing a song. Sort of like Crazy Guggenheim on the old

Gleason show.

Really? Well, if it's a tradition.

Everybody, please enjoy the music of Leonard Smith.

I'm going to go to the pier and get some dinner. Oh, the pier.

I have a friend who went to the pier once. Good old Charlie.

Actually, it's sort of a sad story.

Well, let me tell you the story of a man named Charlie on a tragic and fateful

day. He put ten cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family, went to ride

the MTA.

Well, did he ever return?

returned, and his fate is still unlearned. Poor old Charlie, he may ride

beneath the streets of Boston. He's the man who never returned.

She's from his Gary and Angelica show. She's my favorite on that show. Me too.

Hey, Gare, these are the lads. Jack Vess and, of course, Al.

We've been together since the old coffee house days.

Leonard, what the heck is going on?

Well, Angelica said we could sing on the show Honest. Oh, she did? She said,

yeah.

Leonard,

you guys, you've got to get your guys out of here, okay? Magic Johnson's

over to teach us calligraphy. Magic Johnson from the Lakers?

No, Magic Johnson from the Ice Capades.

Just get him out. I'm serious. We did. Pete and I bumped into Magic Johnson.

He's coming over to teach us calligraphy. You know, that fancy

great at it. I know it sounds odd.

He did. Have you ever seen Kareem's wedding invitations?

Magic did them. They're unbelievable.

Really.

By the way, where's Angelica? Oh, Gary, she went out to the pier to get some

food. You see, she's throwing a clambake for the whole audience.

Clambake? Yeah.

Yeah, sounds good.

Yeah.

You're pretty happy about this.

Yeah.

You know, don't you think it's taking advantage a little bit of somebody who's

new to the show?

Making them cook.

Why don't you have them clean your seats?

Why don't you have them come up and clean your seats?

You know, you're a bad, bad audience. That's all I have to say. Bad audience.

Bad, bad, bad.

Okay, you're a good audience, but you did a bad, bad, bad thing. Really.

a bad audience.

Bad. No, bad. Bad.

Hang down your head, studio audience.

Hang down your head and cry.

Hang down your head, studio audience.

Damn it, Hugh.

And the rear axle's bent.

Got to realign all four wheels and, oh, yeah, rewire the entire electrical

system. Oh, Nancy, what a mess.

Oh, now, come on.

There's worse auto messes. Geez.

Well, I'll tell you about a worse one. It happened to me. Yeah, sure, 78. I

out of Daytona. Oh, what a mess.

Look at that four -car wheel smacked into the wall, burst into flames. I'll

you. Talk about your method.

Thanks a lot for trying to cheer me up, Nance, but I wasn't just talking about

cars. Life with Gary is a whole lot stranger than I ever thought it would

Well, maybe it would help you to think about Diane Fossey. What?

You know, that naturalist who lived with the apes for about, oh, what, ten

years? Sure.

Similar kind of situation.

Yeah, and she stuck it out. I'll tell you, she stuck in there, and eventually

she really ended up enjoying herself.

Quite a bit.

Sure. Yeah.

Well,

I'd better get back under that car. I'll tell you, I got about six hours worth

of work. Would you mind handing me my three -quarter box rent?

Yeah, this is great. Thanks. You're welcome.

Six hours.

What am I going to do for six hours?

Oh, I know.

I'll do one of Gary's time tricks and make it six hours later.

Okay, I have my speedball pen, and I got my India ink, and

we have our rice paper, and so we're all set for our calligraphy lesson.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, hi, honey.

I'm glad you're here. You're just in time for the calligraphy lesson. Magic

Johnson's coming over.

Gary, I have some terrible...

Oh, what is it, honey?

I... Oh,

I don't want to tell you. You're going to be really mad.

No, I won't. Tell me.

The two things you love the most fell off the Santa Monica Pier today.

The ski ball and the corndog stand?

No, Gary.

Me and your car.

I had an accident.

Oh, honey, are you okay? Yes, I'm all right, but are you sure you're not mad?

Oh, of course not. The car's just a material thing.

Did you think I was gonna yell at you like Ricky Ricardo or something?

Keep dribbling magic number 32.

Oh, honey, because you did a six -hour time thingy, we missed Magic Johnson.

on my show. I mean, and it looks like I didn't get here a minute too soon.

Hey, you don't happen to know any calligraphy, do you?

No, I don't.

Magic Johnson does.

Now, listen, why don't we go over here and sit on the couch, and you can tell

what's been going on in your life since we saw you last. Come on over.

Well, you know, that's really nice of you, Chuck. You know, we moved in

since we saw you. You moved in together?

Yes. Gee, that's a little sudden, don't you think? Well, I think so, Chuck.

I mean, I didn't know that living with Gary was going to be so hard.

First of all, there's this audience that's here all the time.

And they're a really nice audience, but you've got to think of clever things to

say to them all the time.

That must be hard for you.

Yeah, it is. But I thought I'd be nice and try to fix them some clams.

hot -headed Cuban.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Oh, I'm sorry, too, Gary.

I love you. I love you very much. I love you.

But I don't think I was ready for the responsibilities of moving in here with

you. Yeah. Gary, what do you think about that? I don't think I'm ready for the

responsibilities either, Chuck.

Yeah. Could I offer you a suggestion?

Sure. If anybody knows about love, it's you.

And Bob Eubanks. He will.

Listen,

why don't you kind of just step back from this relationship a little bit.

Give it a little time.

You know, start dating again. In fact, if you start dating again, we'll even

pick up the tab for the day.

Hey, really? What do you think?

Well, I don't know, Gary.

I think it'd be great.

Maybe it would be a good idea after the show. Okay. Not when the show's on.

Great. We'll see each other when the show's not on. We'll go on that date.

Great. That's a good idea. Listen, I got some... Here's 23 bucks. You guys go

out and have a supper. Great.

Thanks, Chuck.

20, 21, 22, 23.

Wow, this is going to be our best date ever.

Thank you.

Hey, I think we learned a lot of things tonight.

First of all, Chuck doesn't, you know...

dump his contestants like other game show hosts who you know they probably

see him again and second of all i think we learned that if you have a tv show

you got to be really really conscientious about the relationships

involved in because there's a real responsibility there that's why i hope

rather never really moves in with a girl it would really muck up the cbs evening

news you know and um i'll be seeing uh

You know, Angelica went out when we're not on the show, and so you'll probably

just have to read about it in one of those magazines.

You know, like Boy's Life or something.

And I guess I'll see you all next week, okay?

Bye, everybody.

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Sandlin Show.