Original subtitles

I used to have an Irish setter that would get really frightened when it

thunder. And finally the vet made me give her some of these little pills to

that would quiet her down because she'd freak out. And I don't know what these

pills were, but they tasted real minty and they were hard to swallow.

She got addicted to the little pill there, and she kind of liked it, I

And I'd hear her out in the backyard with the garbage can covers going.

It's thundering, Gare. It's thundering. Give me a pill. Give me a pill. Come on.

It's thundering out here.

So, uh... Normally, I just... There it goes again. I'm reminded

of the time.

I'm glad I'm inside because I don't like going out in the rain because my hair

gets wet and it sticks to the side of your head and it gets all plastered down

and, you know, you look like a lawyer.

Really.

I was at the beach once and came out and some guy came running up to me. I was

soaking wet and he said, hey, can you help me with a whiplash case? I said,

I was snorkeling. Oh, all right, sorry, sorry.

So, uh...

Anyway, I'm glad you came, what, with the rain and all.

Yeah, don't you love the sound of rain on the roof? Yeah, yeah.

Take a good look and listen up there, because it's really... That's right,

that's right. I had a choice between Mission Tiles and these lights.

But frankly, it's very hard to read under Mission Tiles. So this sort of

a dual purpose.

So...

You know, sure.

There it goes again. It's just, mmm, and don't you love the smell of sound

effects?

Well, sure, imagine if I'd said it right.

So, uh... So this is pretty much my

life.

Good night.

I, uh... I'm glad you're here. No, if you weren't here, hey, just think, uh...

Well.

Nancy's coming over later. She went out to get some snacks, actually, and she's

coming over because we're just going to stay inside and play some indoor games.

And I'm going to play some Twister here.

Yeah,

I play Twister alone.

I play a lot of things alone. I play, well, you probably don't. I play

I play, let's see, what do I really play?

Well, I play a lot of things alone. I don't think you really need to know.

I think some of this is personal, quite frankly, about what I play alone.

Okay,

hand shadows. There, I said it.

Oh, all right. So why don't you guys go, and you at home, get your mats. Go get

your twister mats.

And if you don't have twister mats, I don't know what to tell you. You know,

play on the dog or something.

I'll see you in 41 seconds because I'm going to start a good game here myself.

Okay, see you in a while.

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Thank you. I think I hurt myself.

Wow, I've really twisted my... Oh, gee, there's the doorbell. Just when I was

starting to break the ice with myself.

All right, all right, all right.

Hey, they can't all be gems. Come on.

Oh, hey, Nance. Officer Sweeney.

What's going on?

Gary, I have some grim news.

Nancy here has amnesia.

You're kidding.

All right, our first amnesia show.

Now, Nancy, this is Gary Shanley, your best friend.

Hello, Gary.

Oh, hi.

Well, how did this happen?

Well, it seems some lightning struck Nira in a supermarket parking lot, and

according to the doctors, it's affected her memory, only temporarily.

Oh, good. So she'll probably get it back in the next, say, 23 minutes, huh,

Ralph?

Well, I carry a gun, Gary, not a crystal ball.

Right, right.

Now, if I can get back to the gritty reality of the streets, I have to arrest

prostitute with a heart of gold.

Okay. Well, tell her I said hi.

And I like the shower cap. Good look.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

I'll take... Tell me.

Sit down.

You're my best friend?

Yes, I'm your best friend.

Why? You could do a lot worse.

How do I know?

Well, are you okay? You don't remember anything?

Uh, no, I don't remember anything. You don't remember your Nancy Bancroft? No.

You grew up in Connecticut? You went to an all -girls school? As did I. That's

where we met? You don't remember that?

Come on. Remember, you made the softball team and I didn't because they said I

threw like a girl. Don't you remember?

No. No, I'm joking. That's what I do.

Oh. That's what I do for a living. No, you're kidding.

No, I happen to have my own show, as a matter of fact.

You mean people watch it?

Well, no, I didn't say that exactly.

They beam it out. I don't know if anybody ever goes out and...

Some people see it, maybe.

Do I have a show?

No, not everybody has a show.

There's me, there's the Smurfs, and there's... The Maharishi has his own

don't know how he got one, quite frankly.

You happen to be a wonderful writer.

Really? You're a freelance writer, don't you remember?

You wrote wonderful articles protesting the war in Vietnam in the Village Voice

newspaper when you first started.

Did you protest?

Oh, protest is not a strong enough word for what I did. I fled.

You fled?

Oh, I could have gotten involved. I got involved for a while, and then everybody

jumped on the bandwagon and got involved.

And I said, hey, I'm out of here. I'm into health foods, because I was always

step ahead.

Now I collect crystals, you know, because I'm in. I'm in whatever's going

that right?

Yeah. What is it you're...

Into now.

Well, there's crystals, and I also wear my socks over my shoes. I think that's

the next really hip thing that's going to happen.

I see.

See, I... Is there anything you want to know about you that I can tell you?

Um, yes. You know, I'd be interested in knowing where I live.

Oh, would you now?

Okay, come on. You live next door.

Oh, great.

So it's not far.

Well, it's not far at all. Next door actually means it's just the next place

over. I didn't lose my powers of understanding.

Oh, okay. Come on. Get under here.

I did lose my memory, but I just feel that that's kind of a dainty umbrella

a man.

Am I wrong?

No. Well, what you've forgotten is that I'm a man who can pull this off.

But this, oh, this is my umbrella.

You've got to return this to me. Gary, how many, how many do you need?

Well, I need a different one for my different outfits.

Doesn't ring a bell, huh? All right.

What do you think? This is, uh, you have nice taste.

Uh -huh. This is where you type.

Well, the pages are blank because, you know, you have amnesia.

These are your favorite albums.

Chad.

I know that some of this is going to come as a shock to you.

Oh, and this is one of your favorite pictures. These are the Dodgers. They're

your favorite team.

Okay. This is your family.

This is your mom. This is your dad. This is Aunt Sally.

Uncle Dave. Cousin Lester. Cousin Lester. Remember he used to go to school

that special bus?

Don't you remember that?

Come on.

And he would step back a lot of times.

But he's okay now, and he wears that Arby's outfit everywhere he goes.

And he doesn't even work there, and he goes to the Dodgers game, and he sits

behind the plane, and he goes, hey, batter, batter, batter, batter.

What are you doing later? What are you doing later?

No, I really can't say I remember that.

Well, you know what we should try, maybe?

The flashback booth.

What? The flashback booth.

Oh, come on.

You know what?

This is a time machine kind of. You go in here, and you just remember things

from the past.

And you go in, you sit down, you say, Alakazam, Alakazast, please show me

my past.

You're kidding.

No, I'm quoting Emily Dickinson.

of the machine. I've seen David Crosby remember stuff in here.

Are you all right?

Oh, I've never seen that happen.

Gary, I think this is the worst day of my life. No, no, no, no, no. One time

had to suck the venom out of Cousin Lester's foot and he thought you were

on to him. That was even worse.

Yeah, and he started to stroke your hair right there at the campsite.

Oh, Gary.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh,

I'm so sorry.

What, you've never seen me sweet before?

Just applaud and we'll go on to the next scene.

And this is Gary at his senior prom.

Oh, what a beautiful corsage.

Oh, thank you. He picked it out for me himself.

Does Gary have a girlfriend now?

Um, well, no one serious.

I mean, no one I like.

No, you mean no one he likes.

No, I said what I meant.

Well, what is it you think, you know, a girl could do to maybe turn his head?

Oh, well, you know, just the usual things.

Be nice to him.

Listen to him.

Make him feel that he's...

Beautiful. Pete, Pete, Pete, why are you knocking on the door? I'm standing out

there with you.

Do you want me to yell come in from out there? Okay, that's a good point.

Hi, Bubba, how are you?

Hey, guys. Hi, Nancy, how do you feel?

Still a little woozy.

Well, why don't you go and take a little nap in Bubba's bedroom?

Oh, I don't know. Is that okay? Yeah, you can. Go ahead.

Try not to knock Teddy off the bed.

You know, Gary, I...

Really got a kick out of looking at the pictures of you as a child. Oh,

especially baby's first haircut.

Oh, yeah. This was probably the best cut I've ever had, although I have the

pictures of my last cut with me.

You want to put... Yeah, here. There's plenty of copies for everybody. I'm

to pass them around.

This is splendid.

Yeah, my stylist doesn't look too good in this, but... I think...

I think...

Nancy likes you.

Well, yeah, I know she does, Mom. I like her.

No, no, no, no, no. I mean, I think Nancy has a crush on you.

Oh, Mom, come on. This is Nancy we're talking about. This is my best, this is

platonic friend. No, no, no. Listen to me. I know. I know those questions, and

know that look.

I think you're reading it wrong, Mom. Gary, Gary, wouldn't it be ironic?

That after all this time that you and Nancy have known each other, that it

an act of God for her to see you as more than just a friend?

Well, you might be right, because an act of Congress wasn't enough.

Oh, who knows? You know, I mean, when she gets her memory back, well, this

could be entirely different.

I can't believe you guys are talking like this. This is a woman who has

You guys are nuts.

I want to talk to the audience a second. Will you excuse me?

Oh, of course, Bubba.

Have a good one, gal. Sure.

Come on.

Yeah, help yourself.

Thank you.

Well, me and Nancy romantically involved.

I never thought of that. I don't know how long you've been watching this show,

but we've been platonic friends well before we even did this show for like

last...

15 years. We met in school, and then we segued into this wonderful friendship.

And I guess I just always thought that's the way it was always going to be. I

don't want to have a romantic relationship with a friend.

I could go out with Pete if I wanted to do that. And I don't want to do that.

What with the kids involved and everything.

Oh, thanks.

I... I don't play the guitar. I just need this to be sincere with you.

I mean, is it possible that Nancy and I could be romantically involved even when

she gets her memory back?

What would it be like to be romantically involved with her?

I mean, what would it be like?

I mean, what would it be like?

What would it be like?

I said, what would it be like?

You know, it is so hard to get a dream sequence going on this show.

What would it be like, man?

not my bedroom. I've never seen this guy, I swear.

And I don't have my bedroom decorated like Paris. It looks more like Berlin in

the 40s.

Gary, Gary!

Max! You look beautiful.

It's so romantic. Oh, it sure is. I'm so glad we're more than friends now. More

than friends?

Me too.

Oh, gosh, you look pretty.

See, there must be an international house of pancakes nearby.

Let's have a toast.

Oh, yes.

To friendship, to romance.

To marriage.

Yeah.

Oh, we almost stained the Eiffel Tower.

you something, but the shops are all closed.

Oh, it's Officer Sweeney.

Oh, bonjour, mon ami.

Every little breeze seems to whisper Nancy.

The birds and the trees seem to twitter Gary.

Boy, he lets go when he gets out of the country, doesn't he?

Gary, let's make a wish.

Oh, a wish.

Okay. Close your eyes. Let's do it together.

Okay, wait.

It's a small fountain.

Oh, Gary.

What did you wish? I wished that we could kiss in silhouette.

I love you, Gary.

I love you, Nan.

What was that?

Flashback booth repairman!

Flashback booth repairman? I have grim news, Gary.

Your fantasy is over.

Oh, no. Oh, no, the lighting.

The door. I have to get the door.

I have to. My fantasy's over.

My fantasy...

Gary,

what's all the smoke?

Oh, remind me to... Fire the whole crew, all right?

Mr. Shanlon? Yeah. I'm here to fix your flashback.

The hell, did you burn the roast or something?

Oh, no, no, I was having a great fantasy.

Oh, yeah, I've heard about you.

Come on, it's over here.

Oh, well, what seemed to be the problem? Well, uh, this is Nancy, and, um...

I wouldn't think it would be the problem with this. She has amnesia.

Say no more.

Say no more.

You put her in there, turned it on, started flashing lights, smoke, blowed

quit working. Yeah.

Well, see, I ain't surprised. What this here is, you got a B20 -19 without an

adapter, and you're trying to run it on somebody with amnesia. What the hell

were you thinking, boy?

Did you even read the manual?

No, I bought this used. I never got a manual.

Well, that'd be

great. Just go right ahead. All right. And cherry this thing out. I'll do it.

Well, listen, you're going to be able to remember everything now. Yeah. Won't

that be great?

Yeah. Yeah.

So I guess I'll remember that we're just friends.

Yeah.

Just friends.

You know, I'm not really sure I want to go back in there.

Well, I'm not sure I want you to go back in, but I think you have to.

Well, it's ready if you want to give it a try.

Okay. Thanks.

Good luck.

Sit down.

Oh, hey.

You know that alakazam?

it? Did you remember everything?

I reckon.

Nan?

Hi, Gary.

Well? It worked.

I've got my memory back. Oh, you do?

Oh, good.

Good. Well, great.

I can't believe it. Hey.

Thanks a lot. It's all right. Really. I'll get you in a second.

Hey, I'll get you in a second. Oh, Gary.

Wow.

Thanks so much. Well, no, it's okay.

I mean, really. No, you'd do the same for me. Well, of course I would in a

minute. Yeah, right.

Oh, boy. Well, God, I can't believe you. That was something, huh? That whole...

Yeah, it really was. You know, I... Oh, boy, I don't know what to say. I guess I

might as well just go home now.

Well... You know, there is one thing.

I am a little embarrassed to actually bring this up. But, you know, when I had

amnesia, I think I might have gotten a little flirty.

Uh -huh.

No, no, no, I think that's that syndrome where the hostage falls in love with

the captor. It's a whole other thing.

I don't think it's really a crush.

That's okay.

Okay, well, thanks. I'm glad we got back together.

All right, well, I'll see you.

Great, great.

Yeah. Great.

It's great to see you. Hey, do you like Paris?

Paris? You know, I've never been. I've always wanted to go. Yeah, really?

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Well, yeah, you know, I hear it's really beautiful and kind of romantic. I heard

amazing things about it. I've been reading about it and all. Yeah?

Yeah. Maybe we should go sometime. Wouldn't that be fun?

You and me? Yeah.

Gee, I think that'd be great. Wouldn't it? When would you like to? Well, after

this season, maybe, because I don't think I'm going to go on the road this

summer. Oh, well, that's great. Let's do it. Great.

Oh, that's great.

Okay. Well, I'll see you later. You live that way.

All right.

Okay,

see you later.

Okay, I'm going to go pack.

All right.

Well, I want to get sincere with you again for a minute.

You know, it's our first amnesia show.

And it went pretty well. I think you can do an amnesia show as long as it

revolves around whether two characters are going to get together or not, you

know.

And I think we learned that I like umbrellas.

And I think we learned that... I don't know. I guess the main thing is that I

want you to remember is that fantasy scene was just... It's a Paris set.

I don't want you to think that my bedroom's actually Paris. I want to see,

tourist bus coming by, expecting to see the Louvre and, you know, save a buck,

really, okay?

See America first is what you really should do.

So this is the end of the show. I want to thank you for watching, and I'll see

you next week. And...

I want to dedicate this song to my friend, Nance.

Okay. Good night, everybody. One, two, three.