All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s02e02 No Baby, No Show

What a surprise, really.

What a surprise.

Thank you. Welcome to the show. Did you
like the warm -up, by the way? The warm

-up guy?

See, you at home don't get to see.
There's a warm -up guy who comes on

the show and talks to the audience and
tells them jokes, and you at home don't

get to see that. You probably have to
have, like, relatives come over and do

that.

You picked a great night to come to the
show because tonight's show really is a

very special episode.

of It's Gary Shandling Show.

And, gosh, my name's in the title.

And that's so cool. And it's a very
special episode of It's Gary Shandling

because tonight is the night there's
going to be an actual baby being born

here on the show.

Well, all right, I know what you're
saying.

Maybe we should have come another night,
but no.

Well, you're probably thinking there's
other babies. We've seen other babies

born on other shows. There was Richie
Petrie.

On the Dick Van Dyke show, right?

And there was Little Ricky Ricardo on
the Lucy show.

And of course, Pebble Swinstone.

But they didn't show the actual birth
there. I think it was like drawn in or

something.

And I think there was actually a birth
on public television.

But come on now.

That was for like educational purposes.

This birth will have no educational
value whatsoever.

Really, this birth is purely for your
entertainment.

Now, those of you... Now you're getting
excited, aren't you?

Now, those of you whose lives revolve
around this television show, and I

assume that's most of you, know that
Jackie is pregnant, and she's been

contractions. which is a great
combination.

You don't want to be having contractions
if you're not pregnant.

That just means something's too tight.

Well, I like that one myself, quite
frankly.

So she's pregnant. She's coming over
here because I said, let's have the baby

the show. She can't wait. And what do
you say we get in the mood by running

opening theme?

And I'll see you right afterwards, huh?

Great, and we'll be... This is the theme
to Gary's show,

the opening theme to Gary's show.

This is the music that you hear as you
watch the credits.

We're almost in the park.

Of where I start to whistle. Then we'll
watch a Gary Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Sandling's
show.

You know what's really interesting is
anytime the theme is played, things just

start to hatch. That's why the ducks
hatch.

Really, like hatcheries play our theme
and they double their output of eggs.

Seriously, so if you're at home watching
this show and the theme starts, make

sure your refrigerator door is closed.

Those things will just start popping
open.

Popping open. Well, this must be Pete
and Jackie now. This is great. This is a

very special episode.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hey, Gary. Hi, come on in.

Hello, Gary. Hi, Gary.

Thanks for letting us have the baby on
the show.

Hey, hey, thanks for not having it on
card shark.

She gets prettier with every pregnancy.

Boy, look at this glow.

Oh, yeah, I'm going to need a welder's
helmet, Pete. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, maybe I should get a
magnifying glass. I'll burn some paper.

you say?

Because of the glow. All right.

Well, this is exciting. Look at that.

You must be very excited that the
baby's...

The baby's on its way.

Of course. Yeah.

You know, I mean, any minute.

Oh, yeah, we're really looking forward
to it, Gary.

Well, go ahead.

Gary, it doesn't work that way. You
don't shoot off a starting gun and boom,

boom, the baby comes out.

No, nature has to take its course.

Well, I understand that, but, you know.

You're putting me in a very difficult
position here, Jackie. You know, this is

very special episode of the show, and we
don't really have anything else planned

for tonight, you know?

I mean, no baby, no show, huh?

So... I'm trying, Gary.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Well, all right.

Oh,

it's Leonard Smith.

for Leonard Smith.

This is a very special episode.

Leonard. Hi, Gare. Yeah, hi. I
understand there's a baby being born on

show. Yeah, it doesn't really concern
you, though, Leonard. Hi, Pete. Hi,

Leonard. Hi, Jackie.

Hi, Leonard.

Boy, it looks like that baby's about
ready to fly out of there.

Yeah, maybe if it's twins, they'll come
out in formation.

You know, maybe I should stick around in
case you need help. I once delivered a

calf into my Uncle Ray's farm.

And, Jackie, you know, you have that
same glow old Flossie had.

Told you, Gar. Well, Pete, I think he
said your wife blows like a cow if I'm

reading that.

Oh, wait. Oh.

Oh, this is it.

Oh, go make a bed of hay. Great. Oh,
and, Gary, do you have a block and

Yeah, there's a block and tackle over my
bed. Oh, that's right.

Oh, this is it. This is it.

This is what we've been waiting for.
Start your video machines at home.

Squat. Squat.

Squat. Squat. Squat. Squat. Squat.
Squat. Squat. Squat. Squat. Squat.

Squat. Squat.

Squat.

Squat.

Oh, here it is.

That's a baseball.

Gary, that was just a contraction.

Actually, they're still pretty far
apart.

You mean that's it?

Gary, she hasn't even gone into hard
labor yet.

Can I talk to you for a second in
private? Excuse us just a second,

What is going on? I thought you said she
was ready to have the baby. Well, Gary,

I thought she was.

Well, well, well. Well, Gary, you're
going to make her nervous. I'm not going

make her nervous. Isn't there some way
we can speed it up a little bit?

Gary, speed it up. It is up to God.
What, do you want me to go up there and

it out myself?

Yes, yes, I do. You do?

Yes. I have a show.

Get some gloves. I don't care what you
have to do.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

Well, I'll tell you this. The next time
your baby wants a part on this show,

don't come running to me.

Did I miss anything?

No, nothing happened, Leonard.

Sit down.

We might need that later. Who knows? And
remember, by the way, there's also some

flares and some snow chains in the
closet.

Well,

all right, all right. We'll just wait
this thing out.

Okay? Okay.

This is what happens when a baby's born
in captivity.

This would have been one of those nature
shows that had been out by now.

Jim Fowler would be holding it up to the
camera.

Okay.

No,

thanks.

Oh, hey, maybe that's the stork.

Clippers.

My yard looks great.

Hey, anytime.

I'm glad they worked out.

Okay, I see you got the Schumacher's and
Leonard here. I better be going. I'll

see you later.

Oh, wait, Tom. Wait.

You know, you could really do me a
little favor.

You know, I loaned you the hedge
clippers. Now you could kind of return

favor. You know, Jackie was supposed to
have a baby, and now she isn't, and

there's like a whole audience out there.

Could you tell some jokes or something
like that?

You're the comedian here. I'm just a
singer here.

Yeah. I gotta go. I'll see you later.
No, Tom, Tom, Tom, don't diminish

like that. Singing's important.

Singing's important. Could you do just
one song? Come on. Just one. Come on,

know.

to me, I think everybody, really.

You know, and they got their video
machine started at home, so this would

great. You do my hedges for me while I'm
gone?

Yeah, I'll do them all next week, and
I'll be happy to. Sunday, too?

Sunday, too, sure.

Okay. Great!

Okay, wait, I'll set you up.

This is great.

Is this one all right with you? I got
others.

That's fine.

Oh, this is great. Wait, I'll get the
lighting for you.

Oh, this will be great. This will be
great. Thanks, Tom. Wait.

Sure.

How's this?

A little darker. A little darker. A
little darker?

Okay. Oh, that's great.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, Tom Petty.

I'd like to dedicate this one to Pete
and Jackie and honor their new

baby.

Hey, baby, don't it feel like heaven
right now?

Don't it feel like something from a
dream?

And I've never known nothing quite like
this.

Don't it feel like tonight might never
be again?

Baby, we know better than to try and
pretend.

part. Every day you see one more card.

And you take it on faith.

And you take it to the heart.

The waiting is the hardest part.

Don't let it kill you, baby.

Don't let it get to you.

to get to you. And I'll be your bleeding
heart. And I'll be your crying fool.

Don't let this go too far.

Don't let it get to you.

is the hardest part.

Every day you get one more yard and you
take it on faith.

You take it to the heart. The waiting is
the hardest part.

and just sit and talk for a little
while? Great.

Everybody want to move down? That was
great.

That was great. You know the Schumachers
and Leonard Smith?

This is great.

Just getting a little... Getting a
little more comfortable.

Well, that was great.

That was great.

Thanks, Tom. That was a great tune.

And Tom has a wonderful new album out.

of that here it is it's called let me up
I've had enough and it's just a

wonderful album and here's a tip for you
folks at home you should take the

cellophane off your albums because you
know thin kids can get in there and

suffocate I love the album I love this
picture you on here that's great

very nice yeah I did that Special makeup
myself.

Oh, yeah? It looks great. I do my own
makeup, too. We should get together

and play beauty parlor.

So, now, you just... All

right.

Well, you just got back from your... I
haven't seen you since you toured with

Dylan. Dylan. I loved him on Gunsmoke.

It's not Marshall Dylan. It's Bob Dylan.

Oh, he's good, too?

He's very clever.

Right.

Well.

Little rock and roll criticism from the
Schumacher.

So,

do you enjoy going on the road much,
Tom?

It's better than coming over here all
the time.

with you i'd rather be in a bus than
than right here especially right now

frankly so uh and you're going uh you're
going to the uh to the middle east soon

aren't you yeah when you go in there
when i get the hedges looking really

yeah well that'll probably be uh soon i
can understand how you feel about that

Oh, Nance. All right, Gary, what have
you done?

No, Nance, that wasn't her. She wasn't
screaming. That was Tom Petty. He was

singing a song.

You are so square.

Tom Petty, hi.

Yeah. Gee, it's good to meet you. I'm a
big fan, and I love what you've done

with those hedges. Oh, thank you. Well,
Nance, why don't you sit down a second?

Oh, great. Sit down. Everybody want to
move down?

Yeah.

That's right.

We're just... Jackie, any... Not a
thing, huh? Not a damn thing.

We were just talking about Tom and his
hedges. You know, Nance has quite a

thumb herself, don't you, Nance? Oh,
come on. Don't embarrass me, Gary. Oh,

now. I've seen those vines. They're
already over the trellis and on to the

neighbor. Come on. And you don't even
use an automatic sprinkler. No, you

I don't trust him.

No, you're... You're out there watering
every day. Good for you. Good for

you.

Good for you. A lot of the people let
their plants dry out.

Hey, everybody, it's Grant Schumacher.

Give him a hand.

That was very nice.

Come on down here a minute. You want to
just sit down?

And everybody move down. It's Grant
Schumacher.

We're just waiting for your mom to have
her baby, Grant. Come on.

Yeah, you know Nancy. Hi, Nancy. And Tom
Petty. Hi, Tom. And you know your

folks. Hi, Leonard.

And Leonard Smith.

Well, you know, Grant's playing the part
of Tevye in the junior high school

production of Fiddler on the Roof. It's
my favorite musical.

It's your favorite musical?

Yeah, I love it.

Well, there's a surprise. I wouldn't
have guessed that. It's sort of mine,

Maybe you can remind us, Grant, Tevye
was the devout father

of four daughters, is that right? No,
no, no, five daughters.

Oh, that's right. Tom plays at weddings.

Well,

would you like to maybe give us a
little...

Preview? How would you like to do that?
Of what we'd see if we came to the show?

Sure. Would you like that?

Sure.

In a nutshell, Uncle Gary, Tevye, a poor

milkman, is a dreamer.

And he has a private pipeline with God.

And at one point he looks up and he
says, if I were a rich man, yado, yado.

All day long, I'd bitty, bitty bum if I
were a wealthy man.

Hey, hit it, Doc.

at the Harriet Tubman Junior High School
and for tickets, call Mrs. Rubin or

purchase them yourself the day of the
show in the school cafeteria.

Hey, we'll go to that one together, huh,
Doc?

All right, now.

So, you should be very proud of Grant.

Oh, he's wonderful. How are you coming
with the new little one?

Nothing yet.

Well, let's just keep moving. What do
you say?

I'll tell you what, we have a wonderful
actress who you've seen many times on

Broadway and in Las Vegas, and she's one
of my favorites. She's been on the show

many times. Give her a warm welcome,
Susan Anton.

Susan and Tom get their hair done at the
same place.

Sometimes, yeah.

So, nice to see you. You're as
delightful as always. You look

Thank you, Gary. I don't know. I mean,
you know, it's nice to be here, but I

have to admit I'm a little bummed out,
though, because I like to look my best,

you know that.

Well, no, I've got this major zit on my
chin.

Come on, look at Leonard Smith.

Oh, Leonard, nice necklace.

I like that.

No,

I'm teasing you. I'm teasing you. Now,
are you doing any Vegas? What's coming

for you? What are you doing currently?
Well, no, very exciting. This is very

exciting, and I'm so glad to be here,
working your show. It's been good

for me, Gary, because now I'm getting
ready to do a network special.

Oh.

Yeah, the network.

Yeah. My neighborhood's actually not
connected yet to get the network. We

quite...

We can't pick it up, but I'm sure that
it's going to be wonderful.

I think so. I think so. Maybe, Tom,
maybe it'll come on. Any Vegas coming

though? Oh, Vegas. Well, yeah, you know,
it's there for me. It's been good. I'm

always looking forward to doing it back.

Could you guys keep it down? I'm
interviewing Susan Anton.

When will you be going to... Gary, this
is it.

Pete, this is probably another false
alarm.

She's in transition, Gary. This is it.

She's crying.

She's having to finish this another
time. Will you come back sometime?

Oh, this is it.

Oh, oh, oh.

Okay, this is it, everybody.

Me, me, me.

You at home, put your hands on your TV.

Me, me, me.

Is it coming? We need a doctor.

Is there a doc?

And there's your Uncle Gary.

It's a boy. It's a baby boy.

Born on this show.

Hi.

Would you all please join me in
welcoming our next guest? He's a little

and he's never been on the show before,
so give him a big hand. My next guest...

The baby boy Schumacher.

That's for you.

Yeah, so, you know, we weren't sure you
were going to make it.

Were you delayed in traffic?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're out of time.

Do you know what that means?

It means you'll have to come back again
soon, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Enough of the baby's perspective.

Well, wasn't that great?

Wasn't it great?

Well,

it turned out to be everything I
promised, I think. And I want to thank

guests. You guys were great.

Tom Petty, thank you, Tom.

and Anton, Gray, and Nancy, and Jackie,
and Pete, and new baby Schumacher, and

Leonard Smith.

And thank you, guys. And we'll see you
next week when someone on this show is

going to have open -heart surgery.

See you all soon. Good night, everybody.
Take us home.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Stanley Show.