All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s01e16 Force Boxman

I understand that you're really anxious
to see the monologue.

But, you know, this is, well, this is
going to come as a shock to a lot of

This is not only the last show of the
season, and yet this will not come as a

shock to any of you, what I'm about to
say. But this is also my, personally, my

last It's Gary Shandling show.

Well, you know, look, you guys weren't
here when I moved in and started the

show, so you have nothing to complain
about, quite frankly.

You know, I've done a lot of jokes. I've
done this show for eight months. It's a

pretty full career for me. I never
expected it to go this long. I've done

jokes about my hair that we're all sick
of. I mean, how's my hair look? And my

friends say, can't you talk about
current events? I said, sure.

How does it look right now?

But they're hair jokes. I've done them
on The Tonight Show. I've done them on

Entertainment Tonight.

You know, and that's really dipping into
the barrel. You know what I mean?

So I've just about, I got, I got, I got
sex jokes.

You know, I have a mirror over my bed
and on it it says, objects are larger

they appear.

You've all heard that. We're tired of
hearing it, you know.

They're jokes. I got routines. I got
whole routines. I got stop for a

ticket. The motorcycle cop pulls me
over, has his gun there, and says, you

you crossed in the middle of the block.

I said, oh, gee, is this going to go on
my record, or can I go to walking school

and have this taken off? How does this
work?

If I get three of these, do you take my
shoes?

You know, and it goes on and on. These
are routines, you know.

But the good news is I'm going to be
seeing you all because I took a new

dramatic series. I'm going to be the
lead in a cop kind of show.

Well, thanks for the support, really.

It's going to be shot in New York, and I
think it's the real me because I get to

play a tough guy.

And it's in New York, which is my, you
know, hey.

New York, New York, what a wonderful
town. The Bronx is up and the batteries

aren't included. How does that go?

New York, New York, what a wonderful
town. My bronchitis is up and my

temperature's down. I don't know, you
know.

New York, New York, what a wonderful
town.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost two feet apart from where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Gary Shandling show.

This was the theme that Gary Shandling
showed.

Hi.

I've got to tell you the truth.

It's weird for me. This is the last time
I'm going to be hearing that theme. And

I ruined this joke. I was supposed to
say, these are the pictures of New York

before the theme, but I'm just not into
the show because I'm out of here.

And let me show you. I have a videotape
of the network promo they're going to

run for my new cop show.

What, you want to see it?

Don't ever, by the way, make the mistake
of putting a book in your VCR. It

really ruins it. It doesn't rewind the
book, and, you know, it's a mess.

He's an expat from the jungles of
Vietnam.

She's an ex -hooker from the jungles of
New York.

Gary Shanling is Force Boxman.

Angelique DeWitt is Amaretto Jones.

Together, they're undercover cops
fighting the war against crime on Force

Boxman.

What are you thinking, Force?

These punks don't count for a...

bit. Coming this fall, Gary Shandling is
Force Boxman. Watch him and watch out.

Go ahead. I dare you.

You know, and I got a great time slot.
I'm on right after Lotto.

So...

You know, I know my Uncle Larry's going
to be watching, you know.

Hey, isn't that the beginning to New
York, New York?

Well, maybe it's Frank Sinatra.

Start spreading the news.

Is this version actually more exciting
than Sinatra's? I don't know.

Of course, I'm seeing it live. You've
got to see the Schumacher's live. It's a

whole other experience, really.

Gary, Leonard tells me Red Buttons is
going to be subletting your play. That's

right.

Honey, I was very impressed by his
application.

He's got everything we want in a tenant.
No children, no pets, and an Oscar in

1957 for Sayonara.

Gary, Gary, I got you going to Vegas.

Not on the face. No, no, no, no. It's a
pair of French puppies. It's the way

around New York. Now, these are the 88
models. So nobody has them. So if

asks, you made them yourself.

That's not on the page.

I'm going to miss you, Gary.

Thanks.

Gary. Oh, I made these myself.

Box two.

Made the box of shots.

Fine.

Gary, listen, I know you're just going
to do great in New York, and I'm sure

they're like...

millions of beautiful girls just dying
to be your platonic friend.

Yeah, that's kind of my fantasy, to talk
to a different woman every night. I

remember once talking to myself in the
bathroom while my mom said, what are you

doing in there?

Gary, this is for you, and don't open it
until you get to New York. Oh, thanks,

Nancy. That's really nice. Gary, I
said...

New York? I thought you said right now.
New York, right now.

Okay,

fine hands. I'll miss you guys.

I'm sorry.

Bye, Gary. Bye, Gary.

I'll be the same, Gary. Take care. Bye.

Bye.

Well, I guess that's it for us. Anybody
want a beer? Oh, yeah. Good idea.

It's always like this. The second I say
goodbye, everybody starts to party.

You know, it's that reaction that I'm
going to miss the most.

Let me see it one more time. Come on.

No, it can't be that.

How many of you think Bruce is overpaid?

Oh, Mom, that's really nice of you.
Thanks.

There, you're all set, dear.

Oh, thanks. You get the couch?

Piece of cake.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, Bubba, give me a hug. Give me a hug.

I just hope this forced boxman is what
you're looking for.

Yeah, I hope so, too, Mom. I'm pretty
sure it will be.

You know, this is a very big step for
you.

Your first show without your mother.

Yeah, but there's going to be a woman
with me all the time on that show, so

it'll be very similar, you know. Oh,
yeah. Yeah.

An ex -hooker named Amaretto. Yeah.

Right. Well, you know. Oh, yeah, sure.
So that's the same thing.

Well, I guess it's all on your point of
view, you know, but... I don't have

another joke on that, Mom. You don't
have one more? What is that you have

Oh, this is a... I got these for you.
For me?

Yeah. Oh.

I made them myself.

Oh, well, then that makes it much
better. Much better.

Goodbye, darling. See you, Mom. Yeah,
drive carefully. I'll call you. Will

Yeah. Okay.

You still listed?

Yeah. Okay.

That's just a joke.

Goodbye, everybody.

moving to the country.

It's a Green Acres joke.

Uh -oh.

It's getting dark.

I've been driving a long way.

Boy,

look how clear it is in the country.

You can see the whole solar system.

Hello, John Glenn. We salute you.

And look, there's a space capsule.

Right in the eye.

screen door to keep the flies out all
right would you mind watching my stuff

while i'm in here eating because my
stuff is outside thanks thanks a lot if

anything's missing it's on your head can
i have a cup of uh we're gonna watch a

special premiere episode of a new hit
comedy series in stereo

where available

Michael Tucci and me, Ed Hurley. And now
here he is, the man who never got a

dinner, Mr. Red Buttons.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you, ladies
and gentlemen. Thank you very much, and

thank you, Ed Hurley. You're a wonderful
man, Ed.

Before he became an announcer, he was a
bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I want you to know that I am absolutely
delighted, more than delighted, I'm

actually thrilled to be back with my own
show again. Because if you stop to

think about it, some of the biggest
people in the history of the world never

their own show.

I happen to have right here in my inside
pocket a small list of some of the

biggies since the beginning of time who
never...

Did their own show.

Adam.

Adam, who said in the Garden of Eden, I
got more ribs, you got more broads.

Never had his own show.

Lot. Lot, who said when his wife was
trained into a pillar of salt, salt I

popcorn I need.

Never had his own show. The mayor of
Sodom, who said to the mayor of

why don't we merge and call it Knott's
Landing?

Never had their own show.

Cain, whose wife divorced him because he
wasn't able.

Never had his own show. St.

Francis, whose own father called him a
sissy.

Never had his own show.

Moses. Moses. Moses who said when the
Red Sea divided, what the hell is that?

was just going in for a dip.

Never had his own show.

Noah's wife who said to Noah, don't let
the elephants watch the rabbits.

She never had her own show.

And King Solomon, King Solomon who said
to his thousand wives, who hasn't got a

headache?

Never.

Goodness, Nancy.

Oh, it's so happy to see you. Oh, what a
wonderful woman. What a woman, a woman

with heart.

A woman who spends three days a week in
hospitals, teaching nervous people how

to eat jello.

Look who's here.

My goodness, is this a kid?

Is this a kid?

That's what people keep asking. Is this
a kid?

But he's a wonderful kid. He's a good
boy.

He's a boy who once scotch -taped a worm
to a branch just to watch some bird get

a hernia.

Pete,

the father.

Is this a father? Is this smart?

The brains of the family. A man who once
tried smoking hash, but the corned beef

kept falling out of his pipe.

Red. What? We have a problem. What? What
problem? What?

Grant is flunking history.

Flunking history? Kid, I know all about
history. It was Abraham Lincoln who once

said a house divided is a condominium.

It's yours.

You got it. You got... Leonard, my boy.

Ah, take a look at Leonard, folks, huh?

Leonard, God bless him. A man who
recently willed his body to science.

And science is contesting the will.

That's the kind of man...

What a family. Excellent.

Oh, my goodness.

Mrs.

Shandling. Oh, so good to see you.
There's a woman with guts.

I mean guts.

A woman who went down to the Russian
embassy and sang Look for the Union

in Polish.

That's the kind of woman we have here.

Oh, Red, I want to tell you how much I
loved you in The Poseidon Adventure.

No kidding.

Well, which part did you like best?

Um, the part where Shelly Winters dies.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, the rest of the
cast liked that part, too. Yes.

Yeah, you know that Shelly kept... She
kept talking for five minutes after she

died? Oh, yeah. They had to beat her
liver to death with a stick to get her

shut up.

Quiet.

Listen, would you like to go out?

Oh. Oh, my goodness. Oh, sure.

Really?

This man right here once gave a guy a
Polaroid who only had nine seconds to

live.

Hey, Red, I want to tell you something.
I never had my own show, but I got a

girl in the car.

You coming?

You kidding? You coming?

Mrs. Chandling, you coming? Let's go.

Let's go.

Mrs. Chandling, what a woman.

What heart.

What feeling. A woman who once yelled at
the screen when she was watching the

movie Gandhi.

Eat a cookie, who's gonna know?

Where was Steve Rossi? What the hell was
going on there?

I don't know. And have you ever seen a
counterman with more hair than this on

his chest?

Well, you don't remember.

All right.

Maybe the answers are here in Nancy's
letter.

at some trendy restaurant.

I hope you found what you're looking for
because you deserve it.

Well, knowing you, you're probably
drooling right now.

But don't.

Because we'll always be here if you need
a friend.

Even if you're whining.

God bless you, Gary Shandling.

This is ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho.
You got it. You got

it. Ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho, ho -ho.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, it's Gary
Shandley. Hey, Gary.

Hey. Hey, Gary. I came back. We're
finally on a hit show. We're all going

famous.

Kids, can you hold it down a little bit?

Look, I made a mistake about this forced
boxman thing. I thought I didn't want

to do comedy anymore. And then I saw you
and I saw my friends and I realized I

missed everybody.

And what I was wondering is, you know,
do you think I could do like a small

on the show and come back? Maybe I could
play the whiny mailman or something

like that.

Wait a minute. A part?

As far as I'm concerned, you're going to
have the whole show back.

You started it.

I mean, all I did was come in and make
it funny.

Well, you know, I don't know how you do
this. I've never seen them this happy. I

mean, you've been in show business so
long. How do you keep it fresh, Red?

was my problem.

Look,

a joke is a joke.

It isn't the joke that make it fresh and
keep it fresh.

It's the people, the audience, your
friends.

They keep it fresh.

Let me put it this way. Let me tell you.

You know, you spritz, you zing, you give
a zet, a little knock.

Maybe a noot.

A noot, that's right. But then, you know
what? You make nice,

and you end always with heart.

Thanks, Red. See, this is a great
ending, because you're giving me back

show.

Well, thanks.

I'm glad I never went to New York.

You been there?

I've been there? Of course I've been
there. New York? I've been everywhere.

It's my life.

It's what I do. I schlep, I go.

I do.

Everywhere. Doesn't matter where.

I am there.

In Harlem, at a rally of black hockey
players for Reagan.

I was there. I was hocking. I was
poking. I was black. I was there because

is my life.

This is what I do.

In Capistrano, when the swallows
returned to Tina Turner's hair.

I was swallowing. I was teening. I was
turning. I was there. That's why I'm

tonight.

At a Joan Crawford child slapping
contest.

In Selma, Alabama. I was Selming. I was
Crawfing. I was slapping. I was there.

This is it. That's why I'm here right
now with you.

What do you mean, was I there?

At the annual Beverly Hills High School
Guess Who Your Father Is PTA meeting.

Certainly I was there. I was peeing. I
was teeing. I was aying. I was there.

That's why I'm standing here right now
in Tokyo at a reunion of Japanese

kamikaze pilots whose motto is we may be
yellow but we're not schmucks.

I was there. I was yellow. I was
schmucking. I was there. That's why I'm

What kind of a question was that?

in Nantucket at a convocation of
seafaring rabbis who believed that

only wanted a circumcised Moby Dick.

I was there. I was psyching. I was
sizing. I was moving. I was dicking. I

there.

happens now?

Uh, we end warm.

Ah, you're a quick study, Chandling.

Give me a kiss, kid.

Hope you enjoy this Gary Sandling show.