All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s01e15 Dinner with Garry

I don't want to applaud that much,
really. The people at home will think

watching something else.

Nice to see you, really.

This is a very special show we have
tonight. This is a show where I'm

going to try and talk my mother into
going on a date with my doctor.

Well, Barry, our cameraman over there
thinks that's a great idea, and that's

basically how we judge what we want to
do each week.

So I'm going to try and fix my mother up
with a doctor, which is not easy. You

know, my father passed away. My mother
hasn't been dating much lately.

And you don't really think of your
mother as anything but your mom. You

Mother's Day is coming up, and I wanted
to buy my mother cologne, you know.

And I was at the counter at May Company
there. And you don't know what kind of

cologne to buy your mother. I mean, you
can't buy your mother a cologne that's

designed to drive a man wild, you know.

It's your mother. You know, I'm at the
counter going, well.

You know, she vacuums. Do you have
anything?

Does Hoover make a cologne?

So she's coming. We're going to have
dinner.

And thank God I don't have to go over
there. My mother has a bowl of wax fruit

on the coffee table. Does your mom have
that? What is that for? In case some

mannequins come over?

Who eats this stuff? I mean, seriously,
think about it. I don't want any more

wax fruit, Mom. I had some candles, and
I'm full. Really.

little paraffin later on.

And now, when you're a little kid and
your mother, moms and dads are very

different about this. My mom used to put
the food on the fork when I was a

little boy and go, you know, this is the
airplane, your mouth is the hanger.

Remember that? Open up, here comes the
plane, right?

Dad would take the fork, a little
different technique. Dad would take the

and go, this is your mouth, this is your
rear end, make a decision right now.

Well, bear with me here because this is
my first time matchmaking, okay?

All right.

Well, hi, Mom. Hi, Bubba.

Well,

I have fixed us the best homemade meal
ever.

We got quarter -pound burgers and French
fries and medium shakes.

Oh, this is great. You know, by the way,
this is not takeout food. My mom

actually cooks like a fast food
restaurant.

When we were kids, we used to just drive
by the front window and yell out the

orders.

What? Oh, wait. And look, she even makes
her own plastic spoons and knives. Is

this new mold, Mom?

Yeah. Very nice.

Oh, gee, according to Tommy and the
piano, it looks like it's time to play

opening theme. So we'll see you in 41
seconds, okay? Go ahead and hit it,

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write a theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the
opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the
credits.

We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary's Sandling
show.

Thanks, Mom. I always enjoy when you
make dinner. It's really the next best

thing to breastfeeding, you know? I
mean, I remember when you stopped. It

tragic day. Baba, Baba.

What? I never actually saw a woman push
a baby away. Baba, you swore to me that

you were over that. Well, you know, you
never really get completely over that,

Mom. I mean, I don't think anybody does.

Really, I mean, some days are better
than others. It's all right.

The mornings are particularly rough.

Really, you wake up, there's nothing
there.

You got to go to the refrigerator. It's
just not the same.

Mom, you look very nice.

What have you been doing for fun lately?

Oh, for fun?

That's the same old thing. The girls and
I go out and ring doorbells and then we

run away.

Well, that sounds like... I guess that
takes up Saturday morning, but... What

you do in the evenings? I mean...

Are you dating? You're really serious
now, aren't you? I want to know if

seeing anybody. Have you seen any men?

Well, Bubba, I have to tell you
something.

Men are all alike.

I'm sorry, dear. I'm sorry.

A guy picks you up, a guy takes you out,
a guy tries to get you drunk, a guy

takes you home, and a guy tries to get
in your pants.

Oh, that's the order.

That's so the drunk thing comes before
the pants.

That is going to make it so much easier,
I think. I'll make you listen. You

won't forget.

I will.

Mom, listen.

I know a man, all right?

Oh. Very nice man. Baba.

Baba, I know what you're trying to tell
me. Oh, my darling, you are gay.

No,

you do this every time.

No, let me finish the sentence. I know a
man who is very nice that I think you

should go out with. I'd like to fix you
up with him.

Really? I think it's time.

No kidding?

Yep.

Well, who is it?

Well, it's Dr. Derwin, my internist.
He's a wonderful man. He's bright. He's

smart. He's... Haven't I heard you speak
of him before? Yes.

He's been widowed for about three years.

Wait, I have a picture of him here.

It looks a lot like Burt Park.

Oh, wait, that is Burt Park.

Oh, God, they're almost all Burkhart.

Here, that's Dr. Gerling.

Oh, well, now, he looks very nice.

Oh, Bob, I just can't. Oh, come on, Mom,
this guy's a gentleman, not like those

other guys you're talking about. Really,
I've known him for, like, 20 years.

Uh, well, I'm not sure.

Oh, Mom, he's a wonderful dancer. I know
he liked the dance. We could all...

And you love to dance.

Well, yeah, but it has been a long time
since, you know, since I've been out

dancing. So why don't we go dancing?
I'll get the Schumacher's and Nancy and

I'll make all the arrangements and we'll
go. And you'll come with me?

Yes.

Won't that be great?

Ah, yes. All right. All right, Mom. This
is going to be fun.

All right. You know... According to
Tommy, we've got to close up this scene

move on to the date.

Oh, well, I'll just...

I'll just put this in the icebox,
because I understand.

All right, great.

Come on.

Well, here we are at the Moondust
Ballroom, boys.

Did you see that mirror ball? Boy, you
know how tough it is to comb your hair

that thing?

Really, I've tried it, and you've just
got to run around it. You see 500 images

of yourself.

It's confusing. You know what's good? A
champagne bucket. You can comb your hair

in it just to get the right angle. And
look, you see this parquet wood floor?

Are you getting a shot of that?

Well, I'll bet the Boston Celtics used
to dance here.

Well, all right.

way, we salute WJJX in Boston.

Hello, Fenway Park.

We're just saluting WJJX.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, isn't this a nice place? Oh, it's
great, Gary. You know, I've never been

to a club with big band music before.

Yeah, and it is a big band, isn't it?

Boy, you know, evidently...

Evidently, this is the first time this
band's worked together, judging from the

way they move.

Boy, this is our kind of music.

Pete performed today.

Let's cut a run.

Pennsylvania 65000.

See you later, alligator.

Boy,

how many of you think Pete and Jackie
are pod people from outer space?

Well.

Bubba tells me you are an internist.

Oh, well, that is so interesting.

Yes, well, as a matter of fact, only
this morning I removed two feet of

intestinal tract from a congested lower
bowel.

Uh, you don't say.

Well, uh, of course, uh, I don't really
know very much about bowels.

Unless they're Gary's, of course.

I am no stranger to Gary's balls.

I wrote an article for the New England
Journal of Medicine on just that very

phenomenon. We're up for an award.

Congratulations. Oh, thanks. You know,
it's the first time the picture really

looks like me.

You know, Ruth, we seem to have an awful
lot to talk about. Would you care to

continue this conversation on the dance
floor?

Well, yes, I'd love to. Thank you very
much.

Hey, have a great time.

You know what? I think they really like
it. Why are you moving? I'm talking to

you, not the audience. I think they're
really hitting it off.

Yeah. This is great.

I'm so happy.

Let's dance.

Oh, no.

Really? Gary, you invited me out to go
dancing, and you don't want to dance?

Well, we could dance, but, you know, I
don't really... Gary.

Well, okay.

All right.

Oh, all right. You're coming out this
way. I was going out that way.

Both ends are open.

I thought we'd go around.

All right, I don't know.

Okay, are you leading? You're leading.

You're more of a man than I'll ever be.
You know this?

You're dipping. Don't you dip. That
hurt. You hurt me.

Okay, come on.

I don't know what to do. Well, just do
what everyone else is doing.

Oh, I don't think so.

Buy a quick study or what?

Thank you. It was just wonderful.

Angela, I'm telling you, you and my
cousin Stuart are going to be a perfect

match. Look, okay, you're a Pisces, and
he likes to swim.

I know that's not funny. All right,
you're a Pisces, and he's my bait and

man.

How many shots do I get?

All right, 8 o 'clock tomorrow? Great.

I'm telling you, you're going to fall in
love with this guy. All right, bye.

There's another one.

Come on, kid.

No, I'm talking about the game.

Well, I'm sorry, Grant. You know, three
days have passed since we did the last

scene, so... So?

So, well, your game was... Your baseball
game was the day before yesterday,

so... So, wait. Let me see if I get this
straight.

You blew off my big scene just so you
could establish that you've been playing

matchmaker on the phone for three days.
Right.

That's right, three days.

Don't get in a hissy fit.

It just so happens I happen to have
fixed you up with your dream girl.

Yeah? That's correct. Who?

Seven o 'clock tomorrow, you and Lisa
Bonet. Wow!

Oh, Lisa Bonet? That's right. Oh, that
girl's on a real TV show.

like he's ever going to do a nude scene
with Mickey Rourke.

Gary, Gary.

Yes? Grant just told me you fixed him up
with Lisa Bonet. Have you lost your

mind? What? Okay, Lisa Bonet wasn't my
first choice either, but Janet Jackson

was on the road.

He doesn't, you know, you get involved
with that family, you know, come on.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, Papa.

Hi, Nance.

Is something wrong, Mrs. Shanley?

No. I don't know.

I'm just so confused.

I don't know what to think. Well, you
introduced me to Paul, right? And we

out and we had just this wonderful time.

And then he said, well, he would call me
the next day. Right.

Well, I haven't heard from him.

Well, I'm sure there's probably a really
good reason.

Oh, come on, Bubba. Oh, no, let's face
it, let's face it.

An attractive, eligible man his age.
Well, he's not, he doesn't want me.

He's not looking for young duff, you
know.

Like her.

Yes, she's right, Gary.

Yes. Move over.

I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure
there's a very good reason Dr.

Derwin wouldn't do something like this.

You know, Mrs. Shandling, I once had a
very similar experience.

Come over here and tell me about that.

There must be a Joe Franklin joke here
somewhere.

and our sorority was having its semi
-annual Mexican fiesta night, and I

some margaritas and was talking to one
of the mariachis.

Actually, Paco and I got along really
well, and the next thing I know, we were

taking a lap around the quad on his
burro.

Oh, yeah, we were singing Cielito Lindo
at the top of our lago.

I'm sorry, Nan.

Nan, Nan, I'm sorry. Evidently, judging
from Tommy, we must be out of time for

this scene.

And we have to move on to the next
scene. But that was a wonderful song.

come back again and sing it again
another time. Oh, yeah, I like that.

great, and I love the story. Wonderful
story. Gee, this is the most fun I've

since Peggy Lee was on the show.

Anyway, you know, I really feel this is
all my fault, and I've really got to do

something about it, because I should
stop talking.

You know, Tommy, you know, when your
mother was having problems, I did

you.

Well, you know, Paul, you really hurt my
mother. Yes, I know, Gary, and I feel

just terrible about it, just awful.

See, I'm very attracted to your mother.

As a matter of fact, when we were
dancing, I felt stirrings.

I haven't felt in years these urges.

Here, let me show you on the chart.

The thing is, all that night and ever
since, I felt as though I were cheating

my late wife, Aretha.

Well, Paul, all you had to do was tell
my mother that.

She would have understood that.

Well, this whole subject is difficult
for me. As a matter of fact, my

told me that it's going to be at least a
year or two before I'll be able to have

another relationship without any guilt.

A year or two?

We can't sit around that long.

All right, you know, let's try this.
Let's say it's one year later, and I'm

at Dr.

Derwin's office to see how he feels
about dating.

Hi, Gary.

Oh, hi, Paul.

Oh, I like the mustache.

Oh, thank you. Gee, it looks great.

How do you feel about dating now?

Not yet.

I need another year.

Oh, darn.

Well, I'll tell you what. Let's say...

Uh, another year's gone by, and I'm back
at Dr. Derwin's office, and I brought

my mother this time. She's in the
waiting room because, you know, I'm

thinking positive this time.

Hi, Gary.

Nice to see you. Hi, Paul. Nice to see
you. You look thinner or something.

Well, you shaved.

Yeah. Well, it looks great. You look
much younger without the mustache.

Thank you. Thank you. Hey, how's that
mama yours?

She's still single.

You know, as a matter of fact, she is,
Paul. She's in the waiting room right

now. Hey, Mom?

Come on in.

Hello, Ruth.

Hello, Paul.

You look lovely.

Would you like to go out tonight?

Oh, sure.

You don't call me for two years, and now
you want to go out.

Well, I'm sorry, Ruth, that I didn't
call you, but, you see...

My wife and I were in love for 30 years,
and, well, I felt guilty after that

evening we had together.

Oh, Paul.

Paul, don't you know you never forget
those people?

My late husband, Phil.

Well, he's always with me.

Just as Aretha will always be with you.

Well, and, uh...

Why don't we all go out tonight, the
four of us, and have some fun?

Submit it for your approval.

My mom and Dr.

Derwin, two lonely people who met each
other in the twilight of their lives.

Here's the Moondust Ballroom degenerated
into a disco.

And look at the latest fashion.

Turtleneck sweaters, Bermuda shorts,
black socks and sandals. Who ever

that dressing like your dad would be in?

The next thing you know, we'll be
driving to work on a lawnmower.

And look, my mom and Paul.

Isn't it romantic? It was worth the two
-year wait.

And, oh, look, here comes little Grant.

Boy, the last two years have been good
for him. He's filled out. And, Grant,

you've turned into a very handsome young
man.

Yeah, well, thanks, Uncle Gary. Because
of that last time stunt, I mean, it's

the last two seasons. Hey, hey, don't go
into another hissy fit, huh, Grant?

Well, what happened with me and Lisa
Bonet? Well, you broke up about a year

and now you're dating Mary Lou Retton.

Mary Lou Retton? That's right.

Oh, right.

She's really gorgeous.

what the number one disco hit is.

Could you play the most popular song
here in the disco?

Hey, sure enough, it's a nugget, because
you dug it. It happens to be the planet

that matters. It's number one on the
scene. It's the Gary Shandling closing

theme.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Shanley. So.