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Thank you.
2
00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:14,210
Thank you.
3
00:00:16,129 --> 00:00:17,130
Thanks.
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Thank you very much. No, no.
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No, no.
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Okay. All right.
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Just so you folks at home know, we have
somebody queuing the applause.
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It's the same people I take with me on
dates. All right?
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Welcome to the show. It's, of course,
great to see you. I really can't see
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but what the hell.
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And we have a wonderful show. It's come
at the end of one of the craziest weeks
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00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:47,040
we've ever had here. No, no, let me tell
you about the week we've had.
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You're not going to believe this.
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Some of you are going to be ahead of me
on this, but Nancy got her toe stuck in
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a bowling ball, all right?
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And the strange thing is, she raised her
average.
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Okay.
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The Schumachers, the Schumachers, the
entire family got amnesia, which
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doesn't affect their lives at all. It's
a weird thing.
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I swallowed a harmonica again. I can't
get into that whole story, how it
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happened. Just trust me, it was bedlam
the whole week.
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Unfortunately, none of that stuff
happened on the day we taped the show.
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Did you ever notice a lot of other
television shows, all the exciting stuff
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happens to happen.
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the day they do the show.
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What a coincidence.
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Here we just live, you know.
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And there's really nothing going on
today. I just have to straighten up the
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house. I have some cleaning to do.
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And it's not going to be all that
exciting. I guess it's what you call bad
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timing, quite frankly.
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Oh, except Nancy's coming over to do
some ironing, so...
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Maybe it won't be as dull as I thought.
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On this show, ironing is like a car
chase.
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That's how exciting it is.
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Hi, Gary. Oh, Rob.
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Hey, everybody. It's Rob Reiner.
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Nice to see you, Rob.
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Come on in.
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It's great to see you. What are you
doing here? Well, you know, I love the
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You always said if I was ever in the
neighborhood to stop in, so here I am.
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Well, great. It's great to see you.
Yeah.
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There's really nothing going on today.
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Well, I thought maybe, you know, you
could have me do a bit, you know,
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something, a little character or
something on the show, a little bit or
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something. You want a job?
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You want a job? Yeah, yeah.
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It's been rough, Gary. It's been really
rough.
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Ever since all in the family went off,
you know, I've been typecast. That
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meathead thing is following me around
like a bad dream.
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Like a nightmare.
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No, I know what you mean. I'm typecast
as Gary Shanley. Oh.
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Oh, that's worse. That's much worse.
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I think you might be digging yourself a
hole you may never be able to get out
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of.
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00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,240
Yeah, well, Rob, I don't know what to
say. I mean, there's nothing really that
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could... Wait a minute. How about a Mr.
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Fix -It kind of thing? You know, like
Pat Harrington used to do on One Day at
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Time. Remember that Schneider character
who used to come in? He had the belt
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with all the tools. He never fixed
anything. He just made sexual overtures
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Bonnie Franklin.
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Not that I want to make sexual overtures
to you. I just, you know, no.
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I think it's a character, or maybe you
could work it in. Yeah, well, you know
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what? I think Pat Harrington's
available. If we wanted to go that way,
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probably get him. Oh, yeah, well... I
don't think we need to go... Yeah, but I
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think he'd only scratch the surface of
the character. I think I can add another
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level, go deeper.
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There's nuances in Schneider that I
think haven't been brought out.
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Was he Jewish?
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I don't know.
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Schneider, Jewish. I don't know. I never
really saw the build. You want to,
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um...
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You can help clean up if you want. Clean
up? I've got to do dishes.
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Dishes? Fine. You don't want to do that.
No, no, anything.
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Listen, beggars can't be choosers. I'll
do anything. All the big directors want
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to come over and do a part of my show.
Great, great.
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Do you have any rubber gloves?
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00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:16,669
Oh, yeah.
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My doctor just sent me a new case.
They're right under the sink.
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Right next to the thermometers.
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Okay.
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Well,
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this is great. We'll come right back
after these important opening credits.
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This is the theme to Gary's show.
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The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write a theme
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song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like
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the theme to Gary's show?
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This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
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music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
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00:04:56,540 --> 00:05:01,520
We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch the
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00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:02,520
Sandling show.
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This was the theme that Gary Sandling
showed.
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Look at this.
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Rob, you're doing a great job. Get a
tight shot of this. Can you see this?
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at that.
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Is that a great job?
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I forgot. I forgot how much fun acting
is. I'm getting that bug again. Where's
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another plate?
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Listen, Rob, why don't you just keep
doing that? I got to go do my laundry
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I'll come right back. Okay, all right.
I'll be here doing the dishes, acting up
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a storm if you need me.
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Great. Why don't you stretch a little
and maybe clean the oven?
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Good idea.
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Good idea.
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Strasburg said the key to acting is
scouring.
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Okay.
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Don't you wish you got applause when you
walked into a laundry room?
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Well, I sorted out all my stuff into
colors and whites, which is not easy
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because a lot of these stains can go
either way.
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And I have some laundry room tips for
you. First of all, use Mexican coins.
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Save you a lot of money. They're much
cheaper, same size, and it helps the
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economy of Mexico.
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Okay, now.
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Oh, gee, somebody's clothes are already
in here.
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Well, hello there.
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Well, I haven't seen through you before.
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You live in the complex?
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I don't think so.
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I haven't seen you around.
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Come to this, I'm hitting on women's
clothing.
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Have you seen Radio Days?
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Maybe we could go sometime.
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That blouse doesn't talk.
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But this one speaks for itself.
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The name will be...
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That's a cool name.
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Yeah, I'm lucky to have it.
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On such a hot, hot night.
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It is hot.
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Unbearably hot.
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Almost as hot as the fire that burned
the very essence of my
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womanhood.
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I was just going to say that.
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Sylvia?
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Let's do a load together.
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The other machines are full.
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So very, very full.
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I think it's a good thing I wore my lint
trap.
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So what's your cycle, Sylvia? Anything
but delicate.
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I don't care as long as we rinse
afterwards.
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Sylvia!
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Sylvia! Sylvia's voice is changing.
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Or I'm in big trouble.
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Sylvia!
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Oh, boy, this guy sure knows how to suck
the steam out of a room, doesn't he?
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Nobody messes with my woman. Ex -woman.
How'd you find me anyway, huh?
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00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:12,250
Oh, like I couldn't see the steam or
hear the saxophone music?
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Well, hey.
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Okay, monster lips.
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How you doing?
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Time to rearrange your face.
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Cut it out.
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How do you know these are my lips?
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Come on, you're always beating up on
somebody. Why don't you just take the
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off? Yeah, yeah, it's only Tuesday. You
got a whole week ahead. You should pace
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yourself a little bit.
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Okay, laundry boy, this is just a taste.
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But if you ever see Sylvia again, I'll
kill you.
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Oh, there goes half my sex life.
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It's not, you know, and I think what the
worst thing is, is I didn't even get
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00:10:00,570 --> 00:10:01,570
all my laundry done.
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00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,120
Well, it depends how you define clean.
You know, if you mean soap and water,
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00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:15,220
it's not that clean, but, you know, I
crumpled it all up, and then I
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00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:17,440
it, and a certain amount of dirt flies
off when you do that.
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00:10:17,740 --> 00:10:22,620
It's how single guys do their wash. You
know, it's, look, you go, clean, it's
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00:10:22,620 --> 00:10:23,620
clean.
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00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,020
And it's not easy to clean your clothes
when a guy's threatening to kill you,
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you know?
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00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:35,160
You know, Gary, if this guy weren't
threatening you, would you want to see
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00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:36,160
Sylvia again?
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00:10:37,060 --> 00:10:39,060
Well, you know, I think so. Well?
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I've been thinking about her. Then
there's your answer.
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Oh, Nancy, did you meet Rob?
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00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,119
Rob, Nancy?
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Oh, hi.
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How are you?
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I was thinking when I gave that psycho
my phone number.
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Thank God you're okay.
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00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,820
Yeah, the word on the street is that you
got the crap kicked out of you in the
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laundry room.
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00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:18,240
Grant, don't say crap on television.
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Gary, we were worried sick.
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00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,200
Hey, hi, Rob.
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00:11:22,380 --> 00:11:23,379
Oh, hey, look.
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Meathead's doing dishes.
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Boy, I loved you on All in the Family.
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What was that line you always said?
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Edith, you dingbat.
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00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:37,910
No, no, no. Archie used to say that.
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00:11:38,730 --> 00:11:40,510
Oh, well, what was it that you always
said?
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00:11:41,230 --> 00:11:44,170
Well, I don't know. Sometimes I said,
come on, Gloria, let's go.
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00:11:45,970 --> 00:11:49,610
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it. I love that
line. That's terrific.
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00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,310
Excuse me, Robbie.
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00:11:51,850 --> 00:11:52,850
Gary.
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00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:57,080
nothing to worry about, because if that
bully comes, he's going to have to get
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00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:01,000
through me, my son Grant, and my friend
Rob Reiner. Right, boys?
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00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,980
Uh, I'm just here to do the dishes.
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00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:05,840
Maybe I'll clean up after the fight.
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00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,500
Look, there's not going to be any fight.
200
00:12:08,980 --> 00:12:09,980
No fight?
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00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,220
Jericho Gary, you're not a chicken, are
you?
202
00:12:13,540 --> 00:12:14,920
Of course he isn't, son.
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00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:21,500
Grant, you have to understand, just
because someone doesn't fight doesn't
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00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:23,240
necessarily mean they're a chicken.
205
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:27,010
You know, some of the most courageous
men in history didn't believe in
206
00:12:27,150 --> 00:12:28,610
That's right, like Don Knotts.
207
00:12:31,350 --> 00:12:33,350
I was thinking more along the lines of
Gandhi.
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00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:37,850
Look how Don Knotts and Gandhi got
lumped together.
209
00:12:39,390 --> 00:12:40,790
What are the odds of that?
210
00:12:41,790 --> 00:12:43,610
Other than that height -weight chart.
211
00:12:47,390 --> 00:12:48,390
You know...
212
00:12:51,850 --> 00:12:56,290
I really got to go somewhere where I can
just think this stuff through, all
213
00:12:56,290 --> 00:12:57,290
right? Sure.
214
00:12:58,290 --> 00:12:59,490
You like the Gandhi thing?
215
00:13:00,450 --> 00:13:02,310
Pretty funny? Not really. You didn't
like it? No.
216
00:13:03,610 --> 00:13:05,970
Yeah, well, that's why I'm in the next
scene and you're not.
217
00:13:09,670 --> 00:13:14,850
Well, this is the room I grew up in, in
my mom's house, and it's exactly the
218
00:13:14,850 --> 00:13:17,530
same, except my mom's roped it off.
219
00:13:18,250 --> 00:13:21,090
Can you believe that? It's like her own
little Graceland.
220
00:13:22,490 --> 00:13:26,130
Oh, look, it's his globe. No wonder he
did so well in world geography.
221
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:30,750
They're on their way to the gift shop.
222
00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:35,190
My mom's fixed it so it's the only exit.
223
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:42,170
Anyway, this is where I come to really
sort things out when I need to, and I'm
224
00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:45,570
really confused about what to do with
this bully. You know, I could fight him.
225
00:13:45,980 --> 00:13:49,800
Seriously. But I just don't like
fighting. And it's not because I'm
226
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:55,120
It's just this thing I have. And, you
know, I'm in good shape for a guy with
227
00:13:55,120 --> 00:14:01,840
body. And, oh, this is my very first
flashback
228
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,840
booth.
229
00:14:04,420 --> 00:14:06,400
Remember your first flashback booth?
230
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:08,520
Sure you do.
231
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,240
So, I wonder if it still works.
232
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:18,280
I used to put this on when I was like
two years old and go back to a time when
233
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:19,280
was still breastfeeding.
234
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,080
Let's see if it works.
235
00:14:25,980 --> 00:14:26,980
Alakazam.
236
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:29,620
Alakazite.
237
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,760
Show us the reason I don't like to
fight.
238
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,200
Hi, everybody.
239
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:41,680
Welcome to my room.
240
00:14:43,950 --> 00:14:45,890
That's the voice I'm going to use when I
grow up.
241
00:14:46,330 --> 00:14:47,930
Easy on the ear, don't you think?
242
00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:54,770
Shanley, fork over lunch money.
243
00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:56,890
Lunch money?
244
00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,530
You came into my home for lunch money?
245
00:15:01,030 --> 00:15:03,490
One of the last few bullies to make
house calls.
246
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:08,150
Hey, squirt, you asked for it. Hey, cut
it out.
247
00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:17,770
Is that you and what army?
248
00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:21,070
Oh, you poked my eye out.
249
00:15:21,570 --> 00:15:24,150
You poked his eye out?
250
00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:28,870
I thought that was just a figure of
speech that moms use to discourage
251
00:15:28,870 --> 00:15:29,870
horseplay.
252
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:33,490
I don't want to hurt people.
253
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,590
Hurting people is bad.
254
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:42,590
So to make up for this, I vow that for
this day on, I'll become a
255
00:15:42,590 --> 00:15:45,150
comedian and be nothing but laughter.
256
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:53,560
to this entire free world. And I promise
to lead a life of non -violence.
257
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,080
So an accident such as this will
never...
258
00:16:22,540 --> 00:16:26,120
know what to do with that bully. You
know, I just got to get a really big
259
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,120
band.
260
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,160
Maybe like a fan belt or something.
261
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,700
Just pull it back and snap it in this
guy's face. Oh, Bubba.
262
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:39,180
That flashback book still looks nice on
you.
263
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:43,080
How far back did you go? I went back to
1960.
264
00:16:47,100 --> 00:16:48,100
That's right.
265
00:16:48,180 --> 00:16:49,180
Oh, thanks.
266
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,440
Well, I know that was a real rough year
for you. Very draining this time to go
267
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:58,900
in there. So, why don't you lie down in
your old bed? Huh? Come on. Oh, Mom,
268
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,040
it's still light out.
269
00:17:00,060 --> 00:17:01,140
Come on, let's play our little game.
270
00:17:01,380 --> 00:17:02,380
Alley -oop.
271
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:03,599
You're kidding.
272
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:04,358
Come on.
273
00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:06,040
Mom, that was a long time ago.
274
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:07,280
Oh, please, your mother.
275
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,800
Alley -oop. Oh, there we go.
276
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:12,640
There we go.
277
00:17:13,579 --> 00:17:14,720
Now, lie down.
278
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:21,380
Mom. Lie down and shut your eyes. then
I'm going to sing you a
279
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:28,240
lullaby. Because you've had a busy day.
Now it's time
280
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:29,360
for you to rest.
281
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:36,480
You're almost 38 years old, but your mom
thinks you're the best.
282
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:41,100
Tomorrow's a brand new day where you can
hop and skip and play.
283
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:46,700
So good night, little one. Sleep tight,
little one.
284
00:18:02,379 --> 00:18:05,940
Well, I slept last night at my mom's
house, and I thought about it all day.
285
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:12,100
And I decided to call Sylvia and invite
her over for a candlelit dinner because,
286
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:16,540
you know, thanks to Rob, and he's been
doing this for 24 hours now, you gotta
287
00:18:16,540 --> 00:18:17,540
remember.
288
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,120
Thanks to Rob, my place is finally
presentable to have guests, you know?
289
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:24,100
Thanks, Rob. Oh, my pleasure, my
pleasure.
290
00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:26,720
Why don't you take a break?
291
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:29,840
No, no, I'd love to, but I hear a toilet
that's crying out for help.
292
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:35,580
Rob, you really... Rob, Rob, you don't
have to clean the toilet. I don't mind.
293
00:18:35,580 --> 00:18:39,020
really... I don't mind, Gary. Rob,
don't. I don't mind. It's okay. Okay,
294
00:18:39,020 --> 00:18:40,260
get under the rim, will you? Okay.
295
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,000
Oh, I wonder if that's Sylvia.
296
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,240
I hope I made the right decision.
297
00:18:56,020 --> 00:18:57,440
It's Sylvia, all right.
298
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:00,820
Either that or Sherlock Holmes.
299
00:19:08,750 --> 00:19:14,370
the right decision huh looks like
there's going to be a break in the heat
300
00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:21,290
maybe even in your dry spell tell me
about it
301
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:38,020
Hey, psycho, why don't you get it
through your head that she's not your
302
00:19:38,020 --> 00:19:39,800
girlfriend anymore, huh? You're talking.
303
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,700
Don't do this. You can't talk. You're
going to be sorry, man.
304
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,240
Dead man don't talk, huh?
305
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,980
My bow, my bow, my bow, my bow.
306
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:54,100
Did you hear about the guy who goes to a
psychiatrist and the psychiatrist says
307
00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:57,540
you're crazy? And the guy says, I want a
second opinion. He says, okay, you're
308
00:19:57,540 --> 00:19:58,540
ugly too.
309
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,300
No, this is a good one. Listen, and he
says, the doctor says, I have good news
310
00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:10,520
and bad news. The bad news is, you've
only got six weeks to live. The good
311
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,880
is, I made love to my nurse this
morning.
312
00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:18,340
Okay, one more. This is mine. This is my
own. I made love to this woman, and I
313
00:20:18,340 --> 00:20:20,500
said, was it good for you? She said, it
wasn't good for anybody.
314
00:20:35,470 --> 00:20:36,850
guess we've learned a lesson tonight,
huh?
315
00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:41,250
If your jokes are good enough, you don't
need to resort to violence.
316
00:20:42,690 --> 00:20:45,250
A lot of comics gotta carry like knives
and stuff.
317
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,010
Not me.
318
00:20:48,090 --> 00:20:50,730
Well, we can be alone now, Sylvia.
319
00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:56,530
Oh, my God, that sounds just like
Johnny.
320
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:57,970
He must have busted out.
321
00:20:58,470 --> 00:20:59,470
Oh, no.
322
00:21:07,409 --> 00:21:09,370
Yeah. You think I should call her?
323
00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:11,210
What?
324
00:21:13,290 --> 00:21:14,290
Okay,
325
00:21:15,370 --> 00:21:17,690
because I was right on the line, to be
frank with you.
326
00:21:18,490 --> 00:21:21,070
I'll take your advice, thanks, and just
let her go.
327
00:21:21,930 --> 00:21:25,810
Well, Gar, I guess it's time to wrap up
my involvement in the show.
328
00:21:29,170 --> 00:21:32,950
Rob, it was... I loved having you. Yeah,
I hope you don't mind me knocking that
329
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:34,330
guy out. I know I was...
330
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:38,100
only supposed to clean up and stuff, but
I saw him strangling you, and I just
331
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:41,040
seized the moment. You did the right
thing. I hope you don't think I was
332
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,040
my part or anything.
333
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,560
I saw it. I took the moment. I just took
it. I took it.
334
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,860
You had to go with your instinct there.
I had to go. That's an actor's guts, you
335
00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:51,520
know? You had to go with it. It was
great.
336
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:52,720
Yeah, it felt right.
337
00:21:53,230 --> 00:21:54,610
I want you to know you can come anytime.
338
00:21:55,030 --> 00:21:56,790
Really? Yeah, you can come back to the
show anytime.
339
00:21:57,110 --> 00:21:59,570
Oh, that's great. You can shoot
somebody, you can hit them, whatever you
340
00:21:59,570 --> 00:22:03,150
do. That's great. Really, because you
could be my bodyguard. Hey, there's an
341
00:22:03,150 --> 00:22:05,010
idea. You want to do that? I'd love to.
342
00:22:05,210 --> 00:22:06,330
So we're friends? Friends.
343
00:22:07,510 --> 00:22:08,510
Good night, everybody.
344
00:22:09,030 --> 00:22:10,030
See you soon.
26559
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