Original subtitles

Thank you. Nice to see you all.

Nice to see you folks at home. Nice to see you.

And, well, this is, we've done a lot of shows now, and I try and do new jokes

every week, and I'm out of jokes.

So I'm going to try, I'm going to do the first joke, one of the first jokes I

ever wrote.

I wrote part of it.

Have you ever been driving your car and you see a cow on the side of the road?

Have you done that?

Oh, thank God. Well,

oh,

I wish I was home watching this right now.

You ever seen those people and you see a cow on the side of the road, people

stick their head out the car window and go moo.

Like they expect that cow to be thinking, hey, there's a cow driving

How can he afford that?

I'm eating grass. This guy's driving a car.

Anyway, that's one of my first jokes. Thank you very much.

And we have a really exciting show

tonight. Tonight is the show, and hold on to your hats, where Nancy comes over

to watch the boxing matches.

Okay. Sure.

Okay, you can let go of your hats now. And for those of you who don't know

exactly what boxing is, it's a sport where, you know, two men put on little

shorts, oil up, put on gloves, weigh themselves, and then take their robes

which is, you know, pretty much where I lose interest because I don't want to

see what goes on after that. It's an ugly thing. I know when I wear little

shorts and oil up.

feel good to get applause. It's great to see you.

I was just in the middle of my monologue.

Oh, good. Well, then, do you mind if I make a quick call while you're

Oh, go ahead.

I was just telling the audience that when I wear little shorts and oil up, I

really know there's a good time ahead.

Oh, hey, Sal.

Sal, this is Nancy. Listen, do I have time to get a quick one down?

Great. Okay.

First, pre -limit the forum. Right.

Okay, put a deuce on Esplanado.

Great. Thanks.

Sal's her personal chef.

and she just ordered a second helping of Planado.

She has a bookie.

Are you finished?

Yeah, I didn't have any jokes for tonight. You want to box around under

opening credits?

Oh, no, not the opening theme again.

You really hate my opening theme, don't you? Yeah, I hate it with a passion. It

makes me feel like I'm on a puppet show.

That's right, that's right. It's Gary Doody time.

You ready?

Set, go.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway through it. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the

Sandlin show.

This is the theme to Gary's Sandlin show.

Stop it!

Immature or what?

You know, I have contact lenses, all right? Oh, boo, boo, boo.

One more. Okay.

Ready? Yeah. Set, one, two, three, go.

Don't you ever touch me like that.

Don't work around. Someone's going to get hurt.

Someone's going to get hurt. Why don't you grow up? Grow up.

Grow up.

Why don't you just go?

Gary, there's a dog outside your door.

Well, let's go see who he is.

Did you ever hit me like that?

Hi. Oh.

Oh, man. What's the matter? Are you lost?

Oh, what a pretty dog. What a pretty girl.

Isn't she a pretty girl? You're a good girl.

Hi, girl. How do you know it's a girl? She doesn't have a penis.

Wow.

Oh, Gary.

That's the clue I've been looking for.

Okay, great. I'll get my canine grooming kit.

Oh, don't.

Puppy, puppy, puppy, what's the matter? You aren't afraid, are you?

Are you afraid?

You didn't just nod, did you?

Oh, my God, you nodded again.

Gary, this is one smart dog.

Here. Not again.

Here, if you need any choke collars, I have a whole drawer full.

Well, she's so cute.

Yeah, I think she likes you.

I think she does. So I wonder who she belongs to.

Well, she doesn't have a collar or tags or anything.

I don't know. You ought to find out who her owner is, though. Yeah, but until

then, she can stay here for as long as she wants, because I love this doggie.

Can I keep her for a while?

See, this is what humans used to dry off with. See?

It's a lot better than doing this.

Okay,

I'm all right. I'm all right.

You know, I've been trying to come up with a name for her all day, but it's so

hard to come up with a name for a female collie that's really smart and has been

on television already.

You know, yeah, except for Lassie.

We couldn't get the rights to use that name.

So I'm going to have to call her something like... Laffy.

Laffy.

Laffy.

Starring Molly Cheek.

Michael Tucci.

Scott Nemeth.

Gary Shanley as Gary.

And, of course, Laffy.

Come

on,

girl. Go to the bathroom.

Gosh, it's great to be back in color.

Really. Sure.

And I think the dog speaks for herself.

I started to feel like I was in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz there.

Well, that explains it. Explains what, Leonard? The howling that was coming

your bedroom last night.

Oh, like that's the first time.

Gare, whose dog is this?

I don't know, Leonard. She's lost, and she's staying with me until Nancy and I

find the owner. Au contraire, Gare.

Au contraire?

It's right here in condo condos and condo condos.

Now, you're supposed to carry a copy of that with you at all times. Leonard.

I'll waive the fine on it this time, but you've got to get rid of that dog. Get

rid of the dog, Leonard? This dog has no place to go, and this is no ordinary

dog, Leonard. This is Laffy.

You see?

You see? You yell out some other name of some other dog and see if somebody

whistles.

Look, Gar, I'm sorry.

I think you all remember Leonard Smith from Hogan's Heroes, don't you?

Oh, we'll figure something out. Oh, Laffy.

Yeah, and there's nothing here in the lost and found.

There's a forklift for $1 ,400.

Well, she's just going to have to stay here, okay? Because I'm not putting her

in one of those pounds where she can get attacked by desperate homosexual dogs

in the exercise room.

I know what that's like, and I'm not putting a dog through it.

Uh -oh, it's Leonard Smith.

Uh -oh.

Quit laughing under someone's dress.

Hey, I've got one. Oh, great, great.

That's great, because I wore pants. Quick.

Oh, gee.

Thank you.

Is this all right?

Oh, no.

Okay, act natural.

Okay.

So... Oh, wow!

Dance has been in this incredible mood all day.

It's really been a great day, isn't it?

So, what's going on? Be that as it may, Gare.

I trust our little canine friend is off the premises. Oh, yeah, Leonard. Gone.

Long gone.

Oh, yeah. No dog here.

Oh!

thinking books, and it's changed her life, man.

Maybe she'll loan them to you sometime.

You know, this may be a stupid question. Why are you dressed like a railroad

engineer? Boy, that is a stupid question, Gare.

You know, in exactly 30 minutes, Union Pacific makes its final run through

Sherman Oaks. Is that right?

Yep. And I want to be there to record that moment for my video script.

Oh, that's great.

God have mercy!

What was that? What?

Chili. Bad chili. We had some really bad chili. Chili, my eye. That was a dog.

Chili dog.

It was a really bad... Leonard. Leonard.

That's sick.

That's sick. You didn't know for sure there was a dog under there.

That's sick.

Congratulations, Gare.

You have lost my trust.

Well, your time is up. You gotta get this dog out of here.

No dogs.

You hear what I'm saying? No dogs.

No, Laffy, you're a good, good dog.

You're a good... Nice try, Nance. Thank God we didn't find Trigger.

Golly, Laffy.

That nasty old Mr.

Smith sure did put a damper on our fucking... I agree where the sun don't

huh, girl?

All right.

I guess he just doesn't have a dog like you.

That's right.

You're going to love living with the Schumachers, though.

Yes, you will. And I promise I'll come and visit you.

I swear.

By the way, these houses are a lot cheaper because they're so close to the

tracks.

I love you, Laffy.

Fetch the hush puppy.

Come on. Come on. Come on. You can do it.

It's right over there. It's over there.

What's the matter, girl? Are you sick? Is something wrong?

Is it possible that she's bored?

She has been fetching shoes for over two hours now.

How can anybody be bored fetching hush puppies? I've been doing that for 20

years. But you're at the top of your profession, honey.

That's a great idea, son. Okay, Laffy, close your eyes and count to ten.

And remember, Laffy, no peeking. Because that's the key to hide and seek.

Nice laughing. Please help me.

Come on.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come here.

Oh, pretty baby.

Oh, what a pretty dog you are.

Oh, what a pretty dog. Oh, what a pretty baby.

Mr. Smith is sorry about all those terrible things.

I'm in terrible trouble. Go get Gary.

Okay? Go get Gary.

It's just not the same with a stuffed dog.

It's Laffy.

It's Laffy.

Laffy's come home.

She must have busted out of the Schumacher's.

Oh, Laffy.

Oh, I missed you so much.

What's wrong, girl?

I think she's trying to tell us something. She's trying to tell us

First word.

Sounds like. Sounds like bark.

Bark. Bark.

Bob Barker. Something's happened to Bob Barker.

I'll get some bran. It's next to my bed.

Oh,

how can we be so stupid? Is it Leonard Smith's foot?

He's caught under the...

Please help me. Oh, gee, Leonard, your foot really is caught.

Come on, Gary, I was a jerk. Come on, please help me. You were a what? A jerk.

All right, come on. Come on, Nancy, give me a hand.

One, two, three.

second time this has happened to me. I was almost hit by a lionel as a kid.

Thanks, Laffy.

You saved my foot.

Oh, Laffy.

Maybe I could still get a rear view of the caboose.

Laffy?

Laffy? Oh, June, over here.

She's a beautiful dog, June. She sure is. Oh, thank you so much. Yes, she

is. And poor Timmy, he's been a basket case. You know, if I could just get that

kid to shut his bedroom window at night, Laffy would never get away.

There, girl. Gee, Timmy's got to be 52 by now.

You'd think he'd have that bedroom thing figured out.

You know, June, Laffy saved Leonard Smith from being hit by a train.

Really? Uh -huh.

Well, that's a piece of cake, you know. She used to save somebody every week.

Oh, we used to sit around the kitchen table just making bets on who she'd save

next. Really?

And then sometimes, if things got a little slow, we'd just throw a few boys

the lake so she could keep in practice.

Which proves that old saying, you know, behind every successful collie, there's

five or six soggy boys.

What have we learned tonight?

I think we've learned that if you find a stray dog on your front doorstep, you

shouldn't really plan on keeping it because, you know, that dog may very

turn out to be...

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Channing Show.