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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,460 Thank you. Nice to see you all. 2 00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:26,600 Nice to see you folks at home. Nice to see you. 3 00:00:26,980 --> 00:00:32,100 And, well, this is, we've done a lot of shows now, and I try and do new jokes 4 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,760 every week, and I'm out of jokes. 5 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:38,620 So I'm going to try, I'm going to do the first joke, one of the first jokes I 6 00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:39,620 ever wrote. 7 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:42,760 I wrote part of it. 8 00:00:43,660 --> 00:00:48,880 Have you ever been driving your car and you see a cow on the side of the road? 9 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,520 Have you done that? 10 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:53,200 Oh, thank God. Well, 11 00:00:54,580 --> 00:00:55,640 oh, 12 00:00:58,340 --> 00:01:00,360 I wish I was home watching this right now. 13 00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:05,220 You ever seen those people and you see a cow on the side of the road, people 14 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:08,480 stick their head out the car window and go moo. 15 00:01:10,340 --> 00:01:15,040 Like they expect that cow to be thinking, hey, there's a cow driving 16 00:01:15,820 --> 00:01:17,740 How can he afford that? 17 00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,060 I'm eating grass. This guy's driving a car. 18 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,940 Anyway, that's one of my first jokes. Thank you very much. 19 00:01:28,540 --> 00:01:35,360 And we have a really exciting show 20 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,800 tonight. Tonight is the show, and hold on to your hats, where Nancy comes over 21 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,040 to watch the boxing matches. 22 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,740 Okay. Sure. 23 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,480 Okay, you can let go of your hats now. And for those of you who don't know 24 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:51,720 exactly what boxing is, it's a sport where, you know, two men put on little 25 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:56,540 shorts, oil up, put on gloves, weigh themselves, and then take their robes 26 00:01:56,680 --> 00:02:01,120 which is, you know, pretty much where I lose interest because I don't want to 27 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:04,020 see what goes on after that. It's an ugly thing. I know when I wear little 28 00:02:04,020 --> 00:02:05,500 shorts and oil up. 29 00:02:11,370 --> 00:02:13,190 feel good to get applause. It's great to see you. 30 00:02:15,070 --> 00:02:16,750 I was just in the middle of my monologue. 31 00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:19,570 Oh, good. Well, then, do you mind if I make a quick call while you're 32 00:02:19,790 --> 00:02:20,790 Oh, go ahead. 33 00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:25,730 I was just telling the audience that when I wear little shorts and oil up, I 34 00:02:25,730 --> 00:02:27,630 really know there's a good time ahead. 35 00:02:28,130 --> 00:02:29,550 Oh, hey, Sal. 36 00:02:29,810 --> 00:02:31,970 Sal, this is Nancy. Listen, do I have time to get a quick one down? 37 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:33,430 Great. Okay. 38 00:02:33,610 --> 00:02:35,390 First, pre -limit the forum. Right. 39 00:02:35,890 --> 00:02:37,250 Okay, put a deuce on Esplanado. 40 00:02:37,990 --> 00:02:38,990 Great. Thanks. 41 00:02:39,710 --> 00:02:40,790 Sal's her personal chef. 42 00:02:41,190 --> 00:02:43,290 and she just ordered a second helping of Planado. 43 00:02:44,290 --> 00:02:45,290 She has a bookie. 44 00:02:45,830 --> 00:02:46,830 Are you finished? 45 00:02:47,070 --> 00:02:53,070 Yeah, I didn't have any jokes for tonight. You want to box around under 46 00:02:53,070 --> 00:02:54,310 opening credits? 47 00:02:54,530 --> 00:02:57,570 Oh, no, not the opening theme again. 48 00:02:58,590 --> 00:03:02,430 You really hate my opening theme, don't you? Yeah, I hate it with a passion. It 49 00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,170 makes me feel like I'm on a puppet show. 50 00:03:06,350 --> 00:03:08,790 That's right, that's right. It's Gary Doody time. 51 00:03:12,270 --> 00:03:13,009 You ready? 52 00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:14,830 Set, go. 53 00:03:18,890 --> 00:03:20,850 This is the theme to Gary's show. 54 00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:26,110 The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme 55 00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:31,270 song. I'm almost halfway through it. How do you like it so far? How do you like 56 00:03:31,270 --> 00:03:32,690 the theme to Gary's show? 57 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,440 This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is 58 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:41,440 music that you hear as you watch the credits. 59 00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:46,740 We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch the 60 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:47,740 Sandlin show. 61 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,140 This is the theme to Gary's Sandlin show. 62 00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:56,880 Stop it! 63 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,020 Immature or what? 64 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,720 You know, I have contact lenses, all right? Oh, boo, boo, boo. 65 00:04:11,940 --> 00:04:12,960 One more. Okay. 66 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,980 Ready? Yeah. Set, one, two, three, go. 67 00:04:17,279 --> 00:04:19,019 Don't you ever touch me like that. 68 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:22,580 Don't work around. Someone's going to get hurt. 69 00:04:22,940 --> 00:04:26,360 Someone's going to get hurt. Why don't you grow up? Grow up. 70 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,700 Grow up. 71 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:28,940 Why don't you just go? 72 00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:32,640 Gary, there's a dog outside your door. 73 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,940 Well, let's go see who he is. 74 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:38,560 Did you ever hit me like that? 75 00:04:40,260 --> 00:04:41,700 Hi. Oh. 76 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,380 Oh, man. What's the matter? Are you lost? 77 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:47,840 Oh, what a pretty dog. What a pretty girl. 78 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,400 Isn't she a pretty girl? You're a good girl. 79 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:55,100 Hi, girl. How do you know it's a girl? She doesn't have a penis. 80 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,240 Wow. 81 00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:01,920 Oh, Gary. 82 00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:03,820 That's the clue I've been looking for. 83 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,260 Okay, great. I'll get my canine grooming kit. 84 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,520 Oh, don't. 85 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,860 Puppy, puppy, puppy, what's the matter? You aren't afraid, are you? 86 00:05:21,420 --> 00:05:22,420 Are you afraid? 87 00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:28,000 You didn't just nod, did you? 88 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:32,680 Oh, my God, you nodded again. 89 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,060 Gary, this is one smart dog. 90 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:36,560 Here. Not again. 91 00:05:36,740 --> 00:05:39,360 Here, if you need any choke collars, I have a whole drawer full. 92 00:05:44,750 --> 00:05:46,010 Well, she's so cute. 93 00:05:46,490 --> 00:05:48,190 Yeah, I think she likes you. 94 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:50,890 I think she does. So I wonder who she belongs to. 95 00:05:51,130 --> 00:05:53,350 Well, she doesn't have a collar or tags or anything. 96 00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:56,530 I don't know. You ought to find out who her owner is, though. Yeah, but until 97 00:05:56,530 --> 00:06:01,650 then, she can stay here for as long as she wants, because I love this doggie. 98 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,470 Can I keep her for a while? 99 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,080 See, this is what humans used to dry off with. See? 100 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,140 It's a lot better than doing this. 101 00:06:22,980 --> 00:06:23,980 Okay, 102 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:26,680 I'm all right. I'm all right. 103 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:33,340 You know, I've been trying to come up with a name for her all day, but it's so 104 00:06:33,340 --> 00:06:37,720 hard to come up with a name for a female collie that's really smart and has been 105 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:38,900 on television already. 106 00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:42,360 You know, yeah, except for Lassie. 107 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,480 We couldn't get the rights to use that name. 108 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:52,060 So I'm going to have to call her something like... Laffy. 109 00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:55,460 Laffy. 110 00:06:57,780 --> 00:06:58,780 Laffy. 111 00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,500 Starring Molly Cheek. 112 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,100 Michael Tucci. 113 00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:11,780 Scott Nemeth. 114 00:07:20,430 --> 00:07:21,890 Gary Shanley as Gary. 115 00:07:25,410 --> 00:07:27,510 And, of course, Laffy. 116 00:07:31,970 --> 00:07:32,450 Come 117 00:07:32,450 --> 00:07:41,610 on, 118 00:07:41,610 --> 00:07:43,150 girl. Go to the bathroom. 119 00:07:45,610 --> 00:07:47,870 Gosh, it's great to be back in color. 120 00:07:48,190 --> 00:07:49,250 Really. Sure. 121 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,270 And I think the dog speaks for herself. 122 00:07:57,130 --> 00:08:00,270 I started to feel like I was in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz there. 123 00:08:02,070 --> 00:08:05,930 Well, that explains it. Explains what, Leonard? The howling that was coming 124 00:08:05,930 --> 00:08:06,930 your bedroom last night. 125 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:09,810 Oh, like that's the first time. 126 00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,450 Gare, whose dog is this? 127 00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:16,030 I don't know, Leonard. She's lost, and she's staying with me until Nancy and I 128 00:08:16,030 --> 00:08:17,630 find the owner. Au contraire, Gare. 129 00:08:18,770 --> 00:08:19,830 Au contraire? 130 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,700 It's right here in condo condos and condo condos. 131 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,340 Now, you're supposed to carry a copy of that with you at all times. Leonard. 132 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,080 I'll waive the fine on it this time, but you've got to get rid of that dog. Get 133 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,020 rid of the dog, Leonard? This dog has no place to go, and this is no ordinary 134 00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:36,080 dog, Leonard. This is Laffy. 135 00:08:41,659 --> 00:08:42,619 You see? 136 00:08:42,620 --> 00:08:46,100 You see? You yell out some other name of some other dog and see if somebody 137 00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:47,100 whistles. 138 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:49,440 Look, Gar, I'm sorry. 139 00:08:57,750 --> 00:09:02,090 I think you all remember Leonard Smith from Hogan's Heroes, don't you? 140 00:09:03,430 --> 00:09:07,850 Oh, we'll figure something out. Oh, Laffy. 141 00:09:29,710 --> 00:09:31,850 Yeah, and there's nothing here in the lost and found. 142 00:09:32,150 --> 00:09:33,870 There's a forklift for $1 ,400. 143 00:09:35,590 --> 00:09:39,690 Well, she's just going to have to stay here, okay? Because I'm not putting her 144 00:09:39,690 --> 00:09:43,430 in one of those pounds where she can get attacked by desperate homosexual dogs 145 00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:44,430 in the exercise room. 146 00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:47,410 I know what that's like, and I'm not putting a dog through it. 147 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,630 Uh -oh, it's Leonard Smith. 148 00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:49,950 Uh -oh. 149 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,450 Quit laughing under someone's dress. 150 00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:55,190 Hey, I've got one. Oh, great, great. 151 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,580 That's great, because I wore pants. Quick. 152 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:00,880 Oh, gee. 153 00:10:01,220 --> 00:10:02,059 Thank you. 154 00:10:02,060 --> 00:10:03,340 Is this all right? 155 00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:04,499 Oh, no. 156 00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:05,760 Okay, act natural. 157 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:06,960 Okay. 158 00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:30,060 So... Oh, wow! 159 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:38,720 Dance has been in this incredible mood all day. 160 00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,360 It's really been a great day, isn't it? 161 00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:45,240 So, what's going on? Be that as it may, Gare. 162 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:49,800 I trust our little canine friend is off the premises. Oh, yeah, Leonard. Gone. 163 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:50,799 Long gone. 164 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,200 Oh, yeah. No dog here. 165 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:53,440 Oh! 166 00:10:59,080 --> 00:11:02,200 thinking books, and it's changed her life, man. 167 00:11:02,660 --> 00:11:04,260 Maybe she'll loan them to you sometime. 168 00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:08,420 You know, this may be a stupid question. Why are you dressed like a railroad 169 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:10,960 engineer? Boy, that is a stupid question, Gare. 170 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:16,140 You know, in exactly 30 minutes, Union Pacific makes its final run through 171 00:11:16,140 --> 00:11:17,139 Sherman Oaks. Is that right? 172 00:11:17,140 --> 00:11:20,840 Yep. And I want to be there to record that moment for my video script. 173 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,240 Oh, that's great. 174 00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:23,600 God have mercy! 175 00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:31,200 What was that? What? 176 00:11:32,220 --> 00:11:36,100 Chili. Bad chili. We had some really bad chili. Chili, my eye. That was a dog. 177 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,219 Chili dog. 178 00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:38,700 It was a really bad... Leonard. Leonard. 179 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,040 That's sick. 180 00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:43,840 That's sick. You didn't know for sure there was a dog under there. 181 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:45,840 That's sick. 182 00:11:47,980 --> 00:11:49,420 Congratulations, Gare. 183 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,080 You have lost my trust. 184 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,780 Well, your time is up. You gotta get this dog out of here. 185 00:11:55,980 --> 00:11:56,980 No dogs. 186 00:11:57,260 --> 00:11:58,740 You hear what I'm saying? No dogs. 187 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,440 No, Laffy, you're a good, good dog. 188 00:12:05,780 --> 00:12:10,300 You're a good... Nice try, Nance. Thank God we didn't find Trigger. 189 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:22,360 Golly, Laffy. 190 00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,260 That nasty old Mr. 191 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:29,980 Smith sure did put a damper on our fucking... I agree where the sun don't 192 00:12:30,220 --> 00:12:31,059 huh, girl? 193 00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:32,060 All right. 194 00:12:32,970 --> 00:12:35,510 I guess he just doesn't have a dog like you. 195 00:12:36,310 --> 00:12:37,310 That's right. 196 00:12:37,970 --> 00:12:40,510 You're going to love living with the Schumachers, though. 197 00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:43,770 Yes, you will. And I promise I'll come and visit you. 198 00:12:44,010 --> 00:12:45,010 I swear. 199 00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:49,710 By the way, these houses are a lot cheaper because they're so close to the 200 00:12:49,710 --> 00:12:50,710 tracks. 201 00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:54,930 I love you, Laffy. 202 00:13:12,460 --> 00:13:13,480 Fetch the hush puppy. 203 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,680 Come on. Come on. Come on. You can do it. 204 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:20,100 It's right over there. It's over there. 205 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,800 What's the matter, girl? Are you sick? Is something wrong? 206 00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:29,060 Is it possible that she's bored? 207 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,840 She has been fetching shoes for over two hours now. 208 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,920 How can anybody be bored fetching hush puppies? I've been doing that for 20 209 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,460 years. But you're at the top of your profession, honey. 210 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,220 That's a great idea, son. Okay, Laffy, close your eyes and count to ten. 211 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:53,400 And remember, Laffy, no peeking. Because that's the key to hide and seek. 212 00:14:34,010 --> 00:14:35,670 Nice laughing. Please help me. 213 00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:40,969 Come on. 214 00:14:40,970 --> 00:14:42,670 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come here. 215 00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,470 Oh, pretty baby. 216 00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,450 Oh, what a pretty dog you are. 217 00:14:47,830 --> 00:14:49,770 Oh, what a pretty dog. Oh, what a pretty baby. 218 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,000 Mr. Smith is sorry about all those terrible things. 219 00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:57,540 I'm in terrible trouble. Go get Gary. 220 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,740 Okay? Go get Gary. 221 00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,260 It's just not the same with a stuffed dog. 222 00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,300 It's Laffy. 223 00:15:29,940 --> 00:15:30,960 It's Laffy. 224 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,240 Laffy's come home. 225 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,840 She must have busted out of the Schumacher's. 226 00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:42,200 Oh, Laffy. 227 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,860 Oh, I missed you so much. 228 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:49,100 What's wrong, girl? 229 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,720 I think she's trying to tell us something. She's trying to tell us 230 00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:52,579 First word. 231 00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:54,100 Sounds like. Sounds like bark. 232 00:15:54,340 --> 00:15:55,380 Bark. Bark. 233 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,760 Bob Barker. Something's happened to Bob Barker. 234 00:16:07,190 --> 00:16:09,450 I'll get some bran. It's next to my bed. 235 00:16:10,150 --> 00:16:11,150 Oh, 236 00:16:13,070 --> 00:16:16,450 how can we be so stupid? Is it Leonard Smith's foot? 237 00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,110 He's caught under the... 238 00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:46,170 Please help me. Oh, gee, Leonard, your foot really is caught. 239 00:16:46,610 --> 00:16:50,470 Come on, Gary, I was a jerk. Come on, please help me. You were a what? A jerk. 240 00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:53,570 All right, come on. Come on, Nancy, give me a hand. 241 00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:55,050 One, two, three. 242 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,980 second time this has happened to me. I was almost hit by a lionel as a kid. 243 00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,500 Thanks, Laffy. 244 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,780 You saved my foot. 245 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,400 Oh, Laffy. 246 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:40,460 Maybe I could still get a rear view of the caboose. 247 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,840 Laffy? 248 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:44,720 Laffy? Oh, June, over here. 249 00:18:00,620 --> 00:18:05,000 She's a beautiful dog, June. She sure is. Oh, thank you so much. Yes, she 250 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:10,280 is. And poor Timmy, he's been a basket case. You know, if I could just get that 251 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,840 kid to shut his bedroom window at night, Laffy would never get away. 252 00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:17,820 There, girl. Gee, Timmy's got to be 52 by now. 253 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,680 You'd think he'd have that bedroom thing figured out. 254 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,900 You know, June, Laffy saved Leonard Smith from being hit by a train. 255 00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:28,240 Really? Uh -huh. 256 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,760 Well, that's a piece of cake, you know. She used to save somebody every week. 257 00:18:32,740 --> 00:18:37,840 Oh, we used to sit around the kitchen table just making bets on who she'd save 258 00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:38,840 next. Really? 259 00:18:39,460 --> 00:18:44,280 And then sometimes, if things got a little slow, we'd just throw a few boys 260 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:45,820 the lake so she could keep in practice. 261 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:52,240 Which proves that old saying, you know, behind every successful collie, there's 262 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,760 five or six soggy boys. 263 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:58,820 What have we learned tonight? 264 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:03,780 I think we've learned that if you find a stray dog on your front doorstep, you 265 00:19:03,780 --> 00:19:08,260 shouldn't really plan on keeping it because, you know, that dog may very 266 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:09,320 turn out to be... 267 00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:33,880 Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Channing Show. 19764