Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

That's really nice. I guess you're applauding because you can tell I've

working out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

And, of course, my favorite pose.

Well, welcome to the show, really, because, uh...

I've been working out. I want to show it off to you because I was kind of wimpy

in high school. I was actually beaten up a lot. I was actually deboned in the

seventh grade.

So I wish I could show you what I looked like in high school. I wish I had my

yearbook, but it's in the car.

I take it with me everywhere I go. I just can't let go.

It's not a pretty sight. But I don't think working out really matters that

I mean, looks aren't that important, really, are they?

You think so?

You know, I saw two ugly people kissing today. Ooh.

It's sickening. You know what I'm talking about. Ooh.

It grosses you out, doesn't it? You know who you are. Don't do that. Really. It

was right there. It was in a department store. Two ugly people were going at it.

I was wiping my lips watching them kiss. You know, you go, ooh. Oh, that's

gross.

What's going on when ugly people are kissing?

Are they looking at each other going, all right?

Tonight it's the beach show.

What that means exactly is Pete and Jackie and Grant, or as we all call

course, the Schumachers, are coming over and we're going to the beach together.

So to get us in the mood for going to the beach, I thought, okay, all right,

more time.

I know, you write in, I'll send you some stills.

I thought to, uh...

Get us in the mood for going to the beach. I would show you a home movie of

of my previous trips to the beach.

And you can watch this while you listen to the opening theme, okay? And

I'll see you in 41 seconds.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

This is the theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write

theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Fanning's show.

I don't know what to say.

It's really a very nice speech.

You just got to go on the right day. I went on... It was like a Thursday you

to go on, you know.

I went on D -Day, all right?

I made a huge mistake. You don't want to go on D -Day. It was noisy. There

was... Guys were stepping on my towel. There were landmines, all right?

They blew up my surfboard, okay?

And I didn't meet any girls. Don't go to the beach on D -Day. That's all I have

to say. It's worse than Fourth of July weekend. It's just packed.

So, anyway, Pete and Jackie and Grant should be ringing the doorbell any

now, and then we'll all be off to the beach. And, of course, since it's my

all I have to say is, and here they are now.

All right, uh, maybe I got a little cocky there.

Remember the doorbell guys?

And here they are now.

Ding dong. Oh, there it is. I'll get it.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

Well, another show off to a flying start, huh?

It's all right. You know what it probably is, uh...

You see, they're probably still sleeping, because last night I had a

surprise anniversary for Pete's parents, and the party ended pretty late, and

the Schumachers are probably still sleeping. I better give them a call and

them that, you know, millions of viewers are, you know, waiting for us to go.

Well, several viewers are waiting to go to the beach with us.

Hello, Pete, it's Gary.

You know, we're supposed to go to the, uh... Pete.

God, I hate when someone hangs up on me on television.

It's just embarrassing for me. I don't know what to say.

I, uh, I better go check up on him, see if everything's all right, see what

they're doing.

He lives just a couple blocks away. Why don't you guys, uh, just cut to the next

scene, and I'll meet you there, because I'm going to walk.

You know, we're supposed to go to the beach.

This is the show where we all get to go to the beach. You stum. Swine.

Hosebag.

Well, all right, look, I'm not locked into the beach.

We can go, uh, I'll go get a frisbee and a towel. We'll stay here.

Well, uh, what is it? Are you guys mad at me about something?

Oh, please.

Like you don't know what you did at the anniversary party last night.

Was it the gift?

I thought you folks would like sombreros.

I forgot 50 years was gold. I thought 50 years was Mexican.

I'm sorry.

Wait, is that right? 25 years is Korean.

I know that.

Well, honest, I don't know what it is. I swear I don't remember what I did at

the party. Well, why don't you have one of your stupid flashbacks, Uncle Gary?

Yeah, maybe then you'll remember, pal.

Sick tub of swill.

Fend the Schumachers.

And have you ever heard anybody stop singing that quick?

You know...

No,

no, don't do that to yourselves. You know, maybe I should have one of my

flashbacks. Then I can remember what I did.

That's right. It's my flashback booth.

Like you don't have one.

And it's a new one.

Mmm, don't you love the smell of a new flashback booth?

And don't forget to buckle in when you get in your flashback booth.

Because, you know, most flashback accidents happen within ten years of

Okay.

Take me back. Take me back.

Aunt Jackie, you are now in a deep trance.

On the count of three, you will find your seats unbearably hot.

One, two, three.

Oh,

that is wonderful.

Oh, we're having such fun at your party, Gary.

Well, thanks, Ma Schumacher. Gary, that hypnotist is absolutely the greatest act

I ever saw.

Pete's parents, ladies and gentlemen.

I think we have a little more insight into Pete now, don't we?

Grant, Jackie, you may sit back down.

Pete, when I snap my fingers, you'll become an opera singer.

was made possible by a grant from the Exxon Corporation.

When I snap my fingers, you'll wake up and remember none of this.

I'm on.

So here, Mr.

Professional Entertainer. The camera's on. Be funny.

Leonard, come on. You just don't walk up to somebody and be funny.

You just can't say that. It has to come naturally.

I don't just walk up to you and say, hey, be in the way.

There's a lot I can say, Mom and Dad, about how I feel about you as parents,

about the fact that you've been married for half a century now.

to ending up on the couch with a... Maybe this booth is a

lemon.

I should have just got the tanning booth instead.

Okay, so the only clues you have are that your head hurts, and there's a gap

your flashback, and when you woke up, your shirt was on inside out?

Right, so all I can figure so far is maybe I knocked myself out while I was

taking off my shirt.

Because I've done that before.

Once in a fitting room, I actually put myself into a coma.

You know, I was getting fitted for, like, a jacket, and I put myself in a

-Nelson and flipped myself over, and the tailor was down, counting to ten,

and... Are you through?

I wish you had been at that party last night. Then I would know what went

Well, excuse me, Gary, but, you know, I do have a life outside of being your

attractive yet not threatening platonic neighbor.

You know, I forget that. I'm sorry.

How's it going out there?

Well, actually, great, because, you know, a very funny thing happened to me.

friend of mine came in for... Back to me.

It was a great story.

You know, I have the guest list here from the party, and I thought what we'd

is call some of these people and see if we can figure out what I did wrong this

episode. Okay.

This is Pete's first cousin.

Hello?

Hello?

Fredo Schumacher? This is Gary Shandling.

Some people take my calls, I swear.

All right, all right. Some people actually call me and then hang up.

Look, why don't you just give me some of that list, and I'll take it home and

make a couple of calls, and I'll get to the bottom of it. Really? All right.

Thanks. Thanks.

And then you want to go to the beach afterwards?

Oh, I can't. I'm flying to Paris.

Jesus.

You give somebody an outside life, they go crazy.

Very busy here.

What are you doing?

New marketing idea.

Video gardens for shut -ins.

Oh, those lucky shut -ins.

Listen, Leonard, you were at this party last night, right? Well, just what went

on? Well, it was quite festive.

Although I have to confess I don't remember very much. I was too busy

party. Wait a minute. You taped the party? What party?

Listen, nobody's talking to Gary, and he doesn't know why, and it's driving him

crazy. So maybe if we look at the tape, we'll be able to find out why. What

tape? Leonard. Leonard who?

Who's this Leonard? Is there a Leonard McLaughlin?

Hello?

Hi, is this Minnie Schumacher?

Hi, this is Ed Sullivan calling.

No, no, that's just a rumor.

I'm fine. I'm really fine.

Listen, I understand, uh...

I understand you were at a party last night with Gary Shandling.

Well, how did that go?

Is that right?

Well, sure, I'll tell him where he can stick Topo Jijo.

All right, then.

No, I won't be on Sunday night.

Bye now.

And now for you youngsters out there, Japanese singing star...

Hugh Sakamoto. God, I love, I just love doing outdated impressions.

Oh, so great.

Well, the Beatles were first on my show in 1963. The Fab Four from Liverpool.

Settle down, girl.

Gary. The thing of it is... Oh, God, Gary, you're not doing Ed Sullivan

are you? Oh, well.

Sorry. How did that last scene go without me?

Well, I'm happy for you. You know, and I think we're going to have some answers

right here in spectacular Leonard vision.

Oh, great.

You know, I haven't seen a woman drag a man in by the ear since Curly's wife.

Look, it all boils down to this.

We all love you both very, very much.

And now, Mom and Dad, excuse me, Cousin Fredo, let's see if this little song

rings a bell.

Angel. That's the song we danced to at our wedding. Yes.

Now, Leonard?

Yeah, now.

Great party.

Oh, thanks.

You know, Gary, you have very deep green eye.

Thanks. And your eyelids are getting very, very heavy. Oh, don't start that.

you're getting very, very sleepy.

No, I'm not.

And now you're under my power of suggestion.

Gary, you're in luck tonight, because right over there in the pink dress is Bo

Derek, and she wants to make love to you.

That's what I've been telling everybody.

And by the way, Gary, when you hear the words goodnight, everybody, you'll find

yourself in a nudist camp.

Nudist camp.

Solid.

Great party.

Oh, thanks.

cut in?

Oh, of course, Gary.

Oh, thanks.

It's such a nice party, Gary.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here. Thanks. Thank you.

God, I melt when you touch me.

Really, I guess all the guys tell you that.

Everybody I know wishes they were with you.

I feel so lucky right now.

You're always going to be a perfect 10 in my book. God, look at you.

Do you have any new posters coming out?

I have a poster of you under my mattress pad.

I need a new one. It's getting real crumbled up.

God, you smell great.

Who's this old guy you're with?

You're always making such funny jokes.

Gosh, let's just get a motel room up the coast. Come on.

Really. We'll get one of those vibrating beds.

I got a roll of quarters. We can have... It'll be like Disneyland.

What do you say?

You want to stay here? You want to play bumper pool? You know what I mean by

that, don't you?

Come on.

God, your hair.

It's so much nicer than the cornrows.

Why don't we just go into my bedroom? You know what?

You are disgusting.

Oh, you're a tease. What's going on?

She wants me. She's a tease. You stay away from her. Oh, she wants me. You

away from my wife. Oh, your wife like you're John Derrick. What are you doing?

She wants me. Stay out of this.

I don't want you. I am not a tease.

Gare. Stop saying that. Gare. What? What, Leonard? Maybe it's time to say

night, everybody.

Good night, everybody.

Now where are you, Gare?

I'm overdressed. Come on, everybody.

Naked violence.

Live with yourself.

The same stunt was a laugh riot at my last Kiwanis meeting.

You should have seen the high Kiwanitude.

Well, at least you all know now that Gary's innocent.

I'm very sorry, Gary.

I just assumed that if you do something horrible, you mean it.

Nance, why don't you tell Leonard what the lesson is in tonight's show?

because, you know, you never really know what might happen. Well, for instance,

I was once hypnotized to stop smoking cigarettes, and, well, it worked great.

Well, except I started smoking these big mother Cuban cigars.

Gee, that wasn't much of a lesson, I guess. Well, no, no, no, no. Don't put

much pressure on yourself. It's your first time.

It was really good for the first time.

Well...

You know, what can I say about tonight's show, really, other than you saw me

naked? And, uh, if you're not a fan now... And, uh...

You know, I think you owe me now, quite frankly.

I'd like to see how you look naked, so... When I say the words, good night,

everybody, I think you know what to do, so get your black dot ready.

In the meantime, let me tell you that next week's show... is a really special

show. We're going to deal with two very controversial issues.

One, hat racks, coat racks, what's the difference?

And two, we checks, corn checks, rice checks, who needs all three, really?

And I'm basically cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, anyway.

I think you knew that.

So, until next time, I just want to thank you, and I'll say good night,

everybody.

Hope you enjoyed it. Gary Stanley Show.