Original subtitles

Nice to see you.

Thanks.

Nice to see you.

Thanks. It's great to see you. And our show is very special because

this is the show where I'm going to cook for you, which is why I'm wearing...

Well, I didn't want you to think I just wear an apron around. You know, look,

I'm a man.

Okay? Now.

I'm cooking Chinese food tonight.

Well, you're just as excited as you were right from the start about Chinese

food. Anybody dig for China when they were kids?

Again, you at home, you applauded those questions, and I can't hear you.

We used to dig for China when we were kids.

My dad used to say, if you dig all the way through the earth, you come out in

China.

I used to say, does Pan Am know about this route, Dad?

We had one kid on our block was down about 10 feet digging for China. I used

sneak in late at night and throw egg rolls in the hole.

He thought he was getting close. He's going, I'm hitting something down here.

My dad actually once went to China and came back and said, Gary, the Chinese

food is so much better there than it is here. He said, in particular, the number

three was unbelievable.

So I've been taking this Chinese cooking class, and all Chinese names sound the

same, don't they? Wing Lao, Ching Lu. I was in Chinatown once and yelled, hey,

you, and half the people turned around.

And they said, who, me? And the other half turned around.

So I've been taking this Chinese cooking class with

Pete's wife, Jackie, and we have a big exam coming up, and I have to cook for

the final exam.

dinner for the whole class, so I thought I would cram a little on you guys.

Okay, don't get nervous. Cram means study.

I think I'm not going to touch you or anything. And do you like Peking duck?

Yeah, okay, well.

No, no, you have to call 24 hours in advance for the Peking duck.

But I have a chicken chow mein is what I'm going to be making. So if you want

call the neighbors, come on over to watch. It's going to be great. I only

breath. of chickens that I've personally interviewed.

And much like everybody else whom I've cast in this show.

And it's going to be wonderful.

And Nancy's going to come in after the theme. So, you know, hey, you at home,

get your stoves, bring it into the living room, and let's get going. See

a minute.

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show.

Gary called me up and asked if I would write a theme song.

I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like the

theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost in the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch a

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

All right, now.

Now, the most important thing about Chinese cooking is to grease your wok.

Because, no, no.

And if you've greased it more than five times, by the way, it just means you're

lonely.

Now, you want to...

Grease your wok, because otherwise the food will stick to it, and you'll never

get it off, and you'll be left with just a hat.

Okay?

No, no, really, because... Have you ever seen those Chinese people in the fields

with those big hats?

Those are ungreased woks.

See? This is what they are.

This is what has handles, so if it gets windy, you know, I can...

Oh, hi, Nan.

I look good in red?

Good, Gary. I don't even want to know where you're keeping the chopsticks.

Want some help?

No, I'm just starting up, and I don't want you to help at all. I want you just

to enjoy everything that I make tonight.

Well, great. Chinese food is my favorite. Well, good.

And the hors d 'oeuvres should be done.

And my first tip of the night is before you touch anything hot, put

on your oven mitts.

I even wear these when I make love, just as a precaution.

So you get the funny ones if you can. Remember Sherry Lewis?

Lamb chop. Lamb chop was another thing.

Now, why don't you take these over to the couch, and you can nibble on these

while I cook up the main course. Great. Okay?

They taste just as good as they smell. Really?

Thanks.

It's like sniffing the Great Wall, isn't it?

Gary, what's this?

Well, I think you know.

quizzing you. I found this in your couch. Whose is it?

I don't know. I never saw it before. You sure it's not yours?

Gary. Come on, Nancy. You know I keep all my spare bras in the medicine

Hey, you haven't even touched your hors d 'oeuvres. Come on.

Yes. Nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom, nom, nom. Nom, nom.

after you've greased your wok is to start dicing your vegetables, all right?

Get your sprouts, your baby mushrooms, your bras, I mean your, uh, your

and, um, baby mushrooms. I don't know how they know how old these things are.

Gary.

What's that, Nan?

I'm just getting to the real critical part in my recipe.

Panties.

Panties?

Did she say panties?

Excuse me just a second.

Here, look, if you're a transvestite, that's one thing. Well, still, there's

excuse for keeping your panties in the books.

Nance, wouldn't I know if something went on here that caused panties to fly into

the bookshelf?

You don't sit through something like that.

Oh, hi, Jackie. Come on in. Thanks.

Hey, Nance.

Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? I'm, uh... I'm worried about Pete. He's

acting strange for the past couple of days. What's wrong?

Well, he just walks around the house in his bathrobe, crying and telling me how

much he loves me.

Pete's crying?

Yeah. I tried to talk to him, but he just eats soup, looks at pictures of me

Grant, and then goes into the bathroom where he weeps like a puppy for hours at

a time.

He's not drinking out of the toilet, is he?

Gary. What?

Gary. That's just a very bad sign.

I'm worried.

Master Bandana, what's this doing here?

Gosh, no, I bet he dropped it here when he came over after that PAC meeting.

Oh, well, listen, Gary, will you talk to Pete, please?

Sure. Okay. Jackie, I'm sure everything's okay.

Well, I really hope so. Who can live like this?

Pete's face is all tapped.

I got Pete's Scoutmaster neckerchief.

I got a bra and panties.

Either Pete's had an affair or there's some new merit badge that I don't know

about.

Well, Uncle Gary, come on in. Hey, Grant.

Where's your dad?

Oh, he's in the bathroom curled up on the rug.

He's not chewing one of those little rawhide toys, is he?

And, uh, all this stuff is from your dad?

Yeah, I mean, it's like living in a gift shop.

Yeah, there's still no clue as to what's bothering him?

No, all I know is that today he had me paged during the school assembly just to

say hi.

Hi, Gar.

Oh, hey, Pete.

Hi, son.

Hi, Dad.

Son.

Yeah, Dad?

Could you please give this box of candy to your mother?

Sure. Son?

Yeah, Dad?

Here's 10 bucks.

Thanks, Dad.

That brings it up to 90.

I don't know. Uh -huh.

Anything you want to talk about?

I don't know.

You know, we could talk about this.

I found it in my living room.

I love you, Jackie. I really do.

Pete, what is it? Just tell me. What's going on? Gary.

Gary, I had sex with somebody else.

Pete, I've had sex with somebody else.

Over it. Look at me. And I understand the girl's getting her hearing back.

Hey, Gary.

Gary. Gary.

Gary. I cheated on my wife. I never did that before.

Pete, you want to talk about it? Yes. All right? Yes, but not here. I don't

Jackie and Grant to think anything's wrong.

Right. I think you got them fooled so far, Pete.

It's a good idea. Come on.

You know, that's the third time that woman's bumped me. She comes around

I'm giving her an elbow.

I mean, can't we walk any faster?

I guess walking is one more thing I'm no good at.

Pete, you're a great walker.

In fact, you're Hershel Walker.

All right, I apologize for that show.

And everybody who has a good sense of humor. I'm just trying to lighten up

a little bit.

Sit down.

I would never cheat on you.

And I would never cheat on you.

Please, come on, get it out. What is it? Just talk to me. Okay, it just

happened. For 13 years, I was a faithful husband, and it wasn't easy.

You see, Gary, I am personally responsible for the distribution of more

puppies than anyone in the state, and that's power.

And you know what they say, power is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Yeah, I think any hush puppy salesman would tell us the same thing.

But lately it started bothering me that I was turning 38.

And well, one night, when you and Jackie were at your cooking class, after the

Cub Scout jamboree, me and Grant's dead mother... Wait!

Wait!

Okay. Okay, pal. Hello.

My name is Helen.

Oh, hello. I'm... I'm Gary. Hi. You're new to the park.

Welcome.

And who is this?

Oh, this is Pete. This is Pete's first day out.

Oh, hi, Pete. This is General Wernick.

The general was shot down over Germany during World War II.

Oh, is that right?

What happened to Pete?

Oh, Pete had sex with a den mother over Sherman Oaks.

There I was.

Flying by the seat of my pants, I was coming in low and fast.

So was I.

Then I started to sputter. So did I.

Then I went into a spiral roll and blacked out.

Me too.

Oh, I'm afraid we have to go. He's going to upset the general.

Gary, Gary, I can't go on like this. But if I tell Jackie what I did, it'll blow

my whole marriage. Pete. What should I do?

Pete, you're a mess now. I think you just got to get this thing out in the

and I think it'll be all right.

Maybe you're right. It won't be easy, but I'm going to take your advice and

Jackie. Yeah, that's what I think you should do. Thanks, pal.

Spiral roll and black down.

Why didn't you eject?

So you think I handled this thing with Pete all right?

Well, Gary, I don't know.

You know, I had a boyfriend who confessed to cheating on me. Right.

And you forgave him and everything worked out all right?

Well, actually, I remember we took a long drive up the coast and I asked him

stop and get me a Snickers bar.

Right. He got out of the car and I drove away.

But that's just me, you know. Right. Jackie's a different person altogether,

know.

I'll get it. I'll get it. Help yourself. Come on. Numb, numb.

Come on.

Oh, Nancy, how did your egg roll get way over here?

Gary, you know, I was looking for that.

You know, it must have rolled off my plate and up the step.

Oh, this must be a spring roll.

And he's been writing these love songs to Jackie, hoping one of them will win

her over.

Okay, Gary, this is the song, No Woman Can Resist This. Here.

Oh, look at this one. It's a duet.

Good thing I stuck around for two weeks.

Forgive me, I was wrong.

Jackie, Jackie.

Listen to my little song.

Jackie, you're my babe.

Gonna kiss all night.

Gonna kiss all day.

If you give me one more chance, I will never stray.

Hey.

That's gonna work.

You know, I took singing lessons, and my singing teacher actually told me I was

thrown off the piano.

Pete, look who's here.

Jackie. Oh, Gary, let's give them some privacy.

Yeah, come on. We'll watch on the monitor.

Pete, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And my feelings keep changing from hurt to anger to guilt. Like, maybe it was my

fault you did what you did. Maybe I wasn't bringing enough to our marriage.

Maybe you're right.

can't be right.

No, no. Of course not. No, because you and I have an open, honest relationship,

and if there was something really bothering you, you'd tell me, right? Of

not. Yeah, but you didn't tell me. No, I didn't. And then I get furious all over

again.

Don't touch me.

No, honey.

Quiet. Look, Pete.

Yes? I know you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

And I know that you love me. I love you so much.

But I'd be lying if I said that I'd ever forget what happened, because I won't.

Yes, I love you, too.

And that's the bottom line.

So, what do you say we go home and do our best to put this thing behind us?

Okay? I'm sorry, and I love you. Okay.

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

He's going home.

You guys can come back.

We're going to work this out.

And thanks, Gary, for making Pete tell me you actually helped.

Oh, well, you know, that's why it's my show.

And I'm going to write you some song.

Oh, Pete. Oh, not on the face, Pete.

Well,

this calls for a celebration, huh?

Yeah, and as I've said many times, what better way to celebrate a reconciliation

than with some delicious treasures from the Orient?

about some Peking duck.

Oh, God, help us. Sounds good to me, pal.

Great, coming right up.

Well, that's our show. It's been a happy one, don't you think?

Sure, if Pete and Jackie got back together, I had time to prepare Peking

And if you want any of my recipes, just send a self -addressed stamped envelope

to yes, I greased it in care of this show. And let's hope it doesn't get

in with my personal mail.

I forgot to turn the oven on.

Hope you enjoyed this Gary Sandling show.