Original subtitles

Thank you so much.

Well, it's, uh... Oh, you stopped

applauding. Well, all right, that's okay.

I, uh... No, no, don't start again. It throws me off, really.

I'm thrilled to see you all again. You know, we were off for a long time. We

went on a little vacation, and we're back, and I'm thrilled to be back. We're

just gearing... I went to Hawaii.

Where did you go?

And so I'm flying on the airplane.

I go on one of those DC -10s. It's like flying on a Winnebago. You know,

seriously. I couldn't see out of my window because they had a trout decal on

window.

Then the stewardess... These are the jokes in the monologue.

the stewardess actually explains how to operate the seatbelt when you fly,

right? I mean, this is an ordinary car seatbelt. If you can't figure this out

your own, don't even listen to the part about the oxygen mask.

You're a dead person, all right?

This thing's going to come down. You're going to go, oh, no, what the hell is

this thing?

Hello?

Hello?

There's air coming out of my telephone, stewardess. Hello?

And I put those little locks.

They're like this big on my suitcase.

Like, this is going to prevent anybody from stealing your suitcase.

Like, they're going to go, oh, there's a little lock on this one, Harry.

We better let it go by. We'll never get through this vinyl.

It's like the locks on a diary, you know what I mean? Just put someone in and

say, get the dynamite, Bill. Let's blow this baby open.

Then I'm getting off the plane. A woman wanders by me with wheels on the bottom

of her suitcase.

And, I mean, she's moving. It's jacked up in the back.

There's mags on this thing, and there's another woman racing her, going, is that

a Samsonite 250?

That's a fast bag. Jeez.

Is that the original equipment on that thing?

But I made it back. I made it back safely. All our cast is back. Scott

who plays Grant.

literally broke his foot, and you'll see him tonight. He has a cast on, so part

of our cast has a cast.

But before I get started with tonight's show, there is somebody I want you to

meet before I go on.

Maria, Maria, come with me just a second.

No, Mr. Gary, please.

No, it's okay.

This is Maria Herrera, and she's a very valued member of our...

studio crew. Don't be so frightened. It's okay. And she's leaving us soon to

back to her home in Germany.

Guatemala.

Right. Well, Germany is Spanish for Guatemala.

And because we love you so much, Maria, I have bought you a

little gift. This is a Statue of Liberty thermometer.

So... No matter where you are, you always know what the temperature is at

Statue of Liberty.

Do you like it?

Do you like it?

It's... Oh.

Well, it's always emotional when you leave friends.

It's okay. Mr. Carey.

I am not leaving because I want to. I... I am being deported.

Deported?

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

This is the theme to Gary's show, the opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Shandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Maria, is this horror?

Are you going to be okay?

Gary, I was trying to take a nap. Could you play the theme song a little lower?

I'm sorry, Nan. Well, you know, we go through this every week.

I'm doing the best I can.

What did you do to Maria?

Why do you always blame me when a girl's crying?

I didn't do anything. She's being deported. Oh, I know. We're just sick

it. Are you okay, Maria?

I love it here in America.

This is... It's been the best year of my life. I hate to leave.

Oh.

Gary, there must be something we can do to keep Maria in the country.

I know what you're thinking. This is the show where Gary marries the maid so she

can stay in the country.

But it isn't. I swear. I don't want to do that.

So if anybody comes in with that idea, really, I give the studio audience

permission to just boo them off the stage.

Really. Just go ahead and boo.

Maria, no, don't worry. Look, we'll think of something. You just think

Right. She's right, Maria. Everything's going to be fine.

Oh, it's Leonard Smith.

Don't, don't, don't let him in. Good day, peeps.

I've been tied up at an emergency Kiwanis meeting.

Don't ask for details. I won't crack.

So, what's the central conflict in tonight's episode?

Well, the central conflict is that Maria's going to be deported unless we

something. That's right. Hey, wait a minute. I just had a unique and original

thought. Why don't we make this the show where Gary marries the maid?

Am I on camera right now?

Yeah, and you're a big hit, Leonard.

You know, I think Leonard might have something there.

Someone could marry Maria.

Maybe Mr. Pete.

Oh, no, there's already an unhappy Mrs. P.

Hey, what about you, Leonard?

Mr. Leonard.

Fine, Mr. Leonard, Dr.

Leonard, Sugar Ray Leonard. How about you?

I can't afford it. Even though my late wife has passed away, I'm still taking

her as a deduction.

Oh, you slime bag.

Maybe you should marry her, Gary. I mean, you want to help her stay in the

country, don't you?

Oh, of course I do. But you know, this has always been a very serious and

difficult issue.

Should someone marry someone just to stay in the country?

Let's find out what our audience thinks.

Hi, how are you?

Here I am.

You want to stand up one at a time? Does anybody have any comment to make on

whether somebody should stay in the country or not?

You, sir, would you like to stand up? Because obviously you were in Hawaii as

well.

What is your first name? Cliff.

Cliff.

Great.

Now, Cliff.

Let me ask you this. Would you marry somebody just so they could stay in the

country? I guess so.

You know, I had a feeling you'd say that, Cliff.

So, you know, what do you think? Do you think I should marry this girl Maria so

she can stay here?

I think it would be okay.

You can always get the voice afterward, I guess, or something.

Well, you've been a big help.

Now, can I ask you a couple questions? Would you mind standing, ma 'am?

There you go.

And what is your first name?

Vera. Vera.

Well, we should be allowed to name our folks, huh, Vera?

Now, Vera, would you still watch the show if I was married?

I don't have show time.

All right.

I don't believe they give it to anybody named Vera.

Okay, do we have a call? I think we have a call. Should we take a call?

Okay.

Go ahead, caller.

Hello?

Caller? Hello?

No.

It's Gary, caller.

No.

Turn your TV on, caller.

Turn your TV on.

Caller? Go ahead.

We don't have a lot of time.

Hello?

You're talking in the wrong end of the phone, sir.

Hello? Caller.

Caller. Phil?

Phil?

Caller.

Well, thank you for the call.

That was a great call.

Topic next week is color television, passing fad, or is it really here to

Well... Mary, what's the verdict?

I've decided I'm going to go ahead and I'd be happy to marry Maria.

Thank you, Mr. Gary.

Thank you.

This, this is the way I imagined it. You made me very happy.

Today...

something very important.

You've never made me tea before.

Okay, Mom, I'm getting married.

Okay? What?

I'm getting married.

Let me explain it to you.

Who is it? Is it Nancy?

No. It's not Nancy, Mom.

It's Elaine Robertson.

No.

It's not Elaine Robertson, Mom.

It's a guy, isn't it?

I can't believe you said that.

It is?

So? Oh, my God. My gynecologist was right. You're queer as a duck.

No, don't worry about me. I'll be all right. I'm a modern woman, and I can

adjust.

I'm just so happy your father's dead.

Well... Mom.

Now, when is the wedding? The wedding's in four minutes, okay?

I'd better go buy a dress.

Today, I consider myself the luckiest woman on the face of the earth.

queer as a duck anyway.

All right, think about this for a second. I mean, okay, the bottom half is

the pond all the time.

How do you know what's really going on there? I think it's unfair to the duck.

Gary Aloysius Shanley, someone is actually going to marry you.

Of course, I knew it would have to be someone who hardly speaks the language.

But compared to the game show bimbos you usually date, Marie is Eleanor

Roosevelt.

She's on a Roosevelt.

She's on card sharks, isn't she?

Are you going to have kids, Uncle Gary?

No, Grant, I don't think so.

Well, that's why my folks got married.

I figured it out with a calendar.

You were eight months premature.

Now shut the hell up.

Well, it's time, Gary. Everyone here.

Relaxed? You happy?

Yeah. You look good?

I feel pretty good. Need any pointers?

Just joking.

Well, may we begin?

Maestro? Padre?

Him.

No. You're marrying him.

This is Jorge, my future brother -in -law.

I'm marrying Maria.

Hello, Maria.

Hi, Mom.

Gary, hermano. No.

Not on the face, Jorge.

This is, uh... Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join its man and its woman in the bonds of holy matrimony.

By the way, we're registered at the May Company.

Do you, Maria, take this man, Mr. Gary, as your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

She hesitated. Did you hear that?

She actually hesitated.

And do you, Mr. Gary, take this woman, Maria, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Is this a little boy I can?

Believe me, I'm doing you a big favor by not singing it.

I never thought I'd be this happy. But you know, why shouldn't I be?

Maria's beautiful.

She's sensitive.

She's intelligent.

I'm ready.

I'm ready. I love them all.

She loves to cook.

sense of humor you

know

you spend your whole life looking for a girl

lower back pain in history i'm bloated i'm breaking out i'm cranky and don't

touch me don't touch me don't touch me okay 28 days have passed

What happened to Maria?

I don't know. It's like living with Liza Minnelli.

I got you into this.

You know, there's a very fine line between being a nice guy and an idiot.

Take a good look and draw your own conclusion.

Jack Wells this time for The Great Spin.

Now, tonight, the amount of the grand prize on this wheel has reached a

humongous $11 million.

$11 million.

And this is where Maria Shandling might very well become an instant millionaire

tonight. How do you feel, Maria? Are you excited?

Yeah.

And this gentleman next to you, I take it, is your husband, Mr. Gary.

Yeah, let's spin the wheel, Jack.

Aren't you Gary Shandling?

Yeah, yeah, Jack.

Get over it for a guy who's... We've talked about being single for a long

It's really nice to see you with somebody who's a perfect match.

Yeah, spin the wheel, Jack.

Why not? Let's spin the wheel. Maria, you know what to do. Take your place

there beside the wheel. Give it a good spin.

Let it go and bueno suerte.

And the wheel goes around.

And where it stops, nobody knows.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

their money and buy expensive gifts for themselves i on the other hand i'm going

to take all my money and give it to the people that matter the most to me the

studio

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show.