All language subtitles for Its Garry Shandlings s01e05 The Graduate
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1
00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:41,130
me i have no reason no idea why they're
applauding that much i swear to god i
2
00:00:41,130 --> 00:00:44,330
don't know what's going on there but
thank you for applauding otherwise we
3
00:00:44,330 --> 00:00:49,410
have had to stop and start over again so
welcome to another show it's great to
4
00:00:49,410 --> 00:00:54,590
see you i uh i gotta be a little honest
with you i uh wrote a very funny
5
00:00:54,590 --> 00:00:58,630
monologue for tonight but uh i just
haven't been in a funny uh mood lately
6
00:00:58,630 --> 00:01:01,390
don't think i'm gonna you know do the
monologue and uh
7
00:01:06,510 --> 00:01:07,870
All right, all right, just one joke, one
joke.
8
00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:13,370
The last girl I made love to, I said,
was it good for you? She said, you know,
9
00:01:13,370 --> 00:01:14,750
don't think this is good for anybody.
10
00:01:17,310 --> 00:01:19,650
All right, just one, just one, really.
11
00:01:20,370 --> 00:01:24,170
Because, no, I've been kind of in the
blase lately and just haven't felt
12
00:01:24,230 --> 00:01:25,470
I don't know what it is, you know.
13
00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:28,870
My health is good, don't worry about it.
And, you know, I'm fairly satisfied
14
00:01:28,870 --> 00:01:30,690
with how my hair looks, you know.
15
00:01:34,540 --> 00:01:37,480
Show's going great. This is our fifth
one, but it's just like, I don't know,
16
00:01:37,540 --> 00:01:42,060
it's like I'm in some mid -series
crisis, you know? Uh -oh, here come the
17
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:43,400
actors. I wonder what they want.
18
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:47,300
I want your attention. Attention,
please. Attention, everyone.
19
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:52,360
Oh, this is the guy from the network.
Looks a little like Mel Cooley, doesn't
20
00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:53,360
he?
21
00:01:54,900 --> 00:01:59,060
I just wanted to tell everyone that you
all have good reason to celebrate
22
00:01:59,060 --> 00:02:02,380
because we at the network are so
thrilled.
23
00:02:02,940 --> 00:02:06,940
With the way this series has gone so
far, we have decided to pick up its Gary
24
00:02:06,940 --> 00:02:10,000
Shandling show for another 12...
25
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:28,430
without your name. Hey, congratulations,
Gary. So what's next, movies?
26
00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:32,510
Thanks, Lewis. Movies? I don't know.
Movies? Would you folks pay six bucks a
27
00:02:32,510 --> 00:02:34,130
piece to see me whine like this?
28
00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:36,530
I don't think so.
29
00:02:38,030 --> 00:02:42,350
Oh, Papa, I am so proud of you. Oh, Mom,
thanks.
30
00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:47,430
And you said your face wouldn't clear
up. Do you remember that in college?
31
00:02:48,050 --> 00:02:49,630
Not now, Mom, really.
32
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,220
Bubba, do you remember my friend,
Jeanette Robertson? Oh, sure.
33
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,060
Hello, Mrs. Robertson. How are you?
34
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:56,440
Fine, Gary.
35
00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:57,439
How are you?
36
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:02,580
I'm fine. I'm so happy for you and your
success. I really am. But then it
37
00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:04,500
doesn't come as a surprise to any of us.
38
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,220
Oh, well, I appreciate it. Thanks.
39
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:13,660
Bubba, dear, Jeanette tells me that her
Elaine will be home from Berkeley in a
40
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:18,780
few days. Now, wouldn't it be nice if
you gave her a call?
41
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,120
Oh, sure, that would be nice.
42
00:03:27,460 --> 00:03:29,980
You know, her daughter Elaine is
terrific, really.
43
00:03:30,200 --> 00:03:34,480
We grew up together. I've really had a
crush on her for a long time, but she's
44
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,800
always away at school, so I've never
gotten a chance to go out with her.
45
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:41,640
this is really good timing, because
maybe I'm in the blodge, you know,
46
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,620
don't have that really special somebody
to share this all with.
47
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,740
You know, I don't mean you at home. I
think, you know, you're very special,
48
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,370
but... You know, let's face facts, the
second this show's over, you leave.
49
00:03:52,450 --> 00:03:55,970
And I'm not standing here just waiting
for you a week later.
50
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:03,910
So, uh... I just need to be alone for a
while, and why don't you watch
51
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:08,230
the opening credits, and hopefully I'll
be in a better mood, because the theme
52
00:04:08,230 --> 00:04:10,610
song always does cheer me up a little
bit. Okay?
53
00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:22,320
This is the theme to Gary's show.
54
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:27,580
The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me
up and asked if I would write his theme
55
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:32,720
song. I'm almost halfway finished. How
do you like it so far? How do you like
56
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,120
the theme to Gary's show?
57
00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:39,940
This is the theme to Gary's show. The
opening theme to Gary's show. This is
58
00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:42,880
music that you hear as you watch the
credits.
59
00:04:43,260 --> 00:04:48,260
We're almost to the part of where I
start to whistle. Then we'll watch his
60
00:04:48,260 --> 00:04:49,260
Sandling show.
61
00:04:54,410 --> 00:04:56,670
This was the theme to Gary Shandling's
show.
62
00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:12,010
Okay, they're plastic.
63
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:16,390
But, you know, I need them. They're easy
to care for, and they're not going to
64
00:05:16,390 --> 00:05:17,630
die while I'm on the road.
65
00:05:18,490 --> 00:05:21,470
You know, the only problem is when I
boil them, they melt.
66
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,620
Oh, Mrs. Robertson, the bathroom is
right next door.
67
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,040
So, how are you, Gary?
68
00:05:38,820 --> 00:05:42,860
I'm just fine, Mrs. Robertson. Mrs.
Robertson. Yes, Gary. I don't mean to be
69
00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:44,640
rude, but I just want to be alone right
now.
70
00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,280
Gary, could you drive me home?
71
00:05:49,820 --> 00:05:54,420
Oh, gee. You know, Mrs. Robertson,
here's the keys to my car. Can you drive
72
00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:55,420
stick shift?
73
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:56,680
No.
74
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,280
Well, neither can I, so...
75
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:01,060
Really, the car's used to it.
76
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:05,340
Oh, gee, nearly broke one of my fish.
77
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:12,540
Gary, I'm a little drunk, and my husband
took the car, so could you please drive
78
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:13,540
me home?
79
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,760
Uh, well... Thanks, Gary.
80
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,020
Sure, as soon as I wring out my keys.
81
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,120
Well, okay, let's... let's go.
82
00:06:45,230 --> 00:06:46,109
really pathetic?
83
00:06:46,110 --> 00:06:47,690
This is my real car.
84
00:06:50,950 --> 00:06:52,010
Well, here we are, Mrs.
85
00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:53,290
Robertson. Good night, Mrs.
86
00:06:53,430 --> 00:06:56,310
Robertson. Gary, could you walk me to my
apartment?
87
00:06:57,170 --> 00:06:58,890
Well, you know, I... Gary, the
apartment's dark.
88
00:06:59,530 --> 00:07:00,930
I'm afraid to go in there alone.
89
00:07:01,670 --> 00:07:02,670
Well, okay.
90
00:07:03,470 --> 00:07:09,970
But, uh, I really have to... You
91
00:07:09,970 --> 00:07:11,130
know, Mrs.
92
00:07:11,830 --> 00:07:12,830
Robertson...
93
00:07:26,190 --> 00:07:27,410
This is really very nice.
94
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,290
I guess she just keeps her keys in an
aquarium.
95
00:07:33,770 --> 00:07:35,990
Gary, could I ask you a question?
96
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,290
Sure.
97
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:41,570
You've known me since you were a little
boy. Right. Now you're a big man.
98
00:07:41,890 --> 00:07:43,530
What do you think of me?
99
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:47,930
Well, you know, I've always thought that
as my mother's friends go, that you
100
00:07:47,930 --> 00:07:49,990
were very nice. Gary, unzip my dress.
101
00:07:50,850 --> 00:07:53,670
Pardon me, Mrs. Robertson? I can't reach
back there.
102
00:07:54,130 --> 00:07:55,130
Do you mind?
103
00:07:55,580 --> 00:07:58,580
Well, how about Mr. Robertson? Maybe
he... He won't be back for hours.
104
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,400
Maybe days.
105
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:04,880
Well, I guess you don't want to keep
this on for days.
106
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,740
Lower, Gary, lower. Well, there you go.
107
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,080
A little lower.
108
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:12,280
A little lower.
109
00:08:12,580 --> 00:08:14,960
Mrs. Robertson, if I go any lower, I'm
going to strike oil.
110
00:08:30,570 --> 00:08:32,950
Tell me that you've never seen a woman
in her slip before.
111
00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:36,250
Can you, Gary?
112
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:40,250
Oh, gee.
113
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:48,050
You know, you folks should be very
thankful that I'm looking at you right
114
00:08:49,450 --> 00:08:52,710
I got a lot of options from right here.
115
00:08:54,370 --> 00:08:55,370
Believe me.
116
00:08:56,090 --> 00:08:58,290
Mrs. Roberts, I better be going
because...
117
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,880
I feel very awkward about all this.
Because?
118
00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:04,720
Because unless I'm reading this whole
thing wrong, I think you're trying to
119
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,679
seduce me.
120
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:06,680
Gary!
121
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,360
Oh, I deserve to die. I'm sorry.
122
00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,600
I didn't mean to say that. Is that what
you think?
123
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,900
No, that's not what I think at all.
Would you like me to seduce you, Gary?
124
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,700
Is that what you've been thinking? No, I
was thinking about detente the whole
125
00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,140
time I was here. I swear.
126
00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:23,480
Because if that's what you really want,
Gary...
127
00:09:24,010 --> 00:09:28,450
I want you to know that I will make
myself available to you at all times.
128
00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:34,230
You know, I haven't felt this awkward
since my gym teacher hit on me.
129
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:48,610
Boy, that was weird with that woman,
huh? It was like the graduate.
130
00:09:58,920 --> 00:09:59,920
I can't believe you made one.
131
00:10:01,740 --> 00:10:02,960
Well, got one left.
132
00:10:03,460 --> 00:10:07,780
You know, I really want to call Elaine,
Pete, but her mother just hit on me.
133
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,259
Really, Gary?
134
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,260
She hit on you?
135
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,920
Yes. Well, tell me.
136
00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:13,720
Please tell me. Tell me everything.
137
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,340
Pete, don't do this. Pete, come on. I
mean... Where?
138
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:23,120
When? Tell me. I mean, I'm a happily
married man. I need to know. I have to
139
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,120
know, Gary.
140
00:10:25,620 --> 00:10:27,460
Pete, okay, in the bedroom? In the
bedroom.
141
00:10:27,770 --> 00:10:29,790
While I was driving her home. Her home?
142
00:10:29,990 --> 00:10:32,950
Oh, my God. And while I was unzipping
her dress. Oh, God.
143
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:36,870
Pete, there's spittle coming out of your
mouth.
144
00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:39,270
Would you control yourself?
145
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:40,570
Hey, God, I'm just excited.
146
00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:45,870
Hey, God, who's that guy? Oh, God, it's
Leonard Smith again.
147
00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:51,090
This guy, he's the head of the condo
association. He'll do anything to get on
148
00:10:51,090 --> 00:10:52,090
the show.
149
00:10:52,330 --> 00:10:53,430
Hello, Mr. Smith.
150
00:10:53,770 --> 00:10:57,650
Oh, please, call me Leonard. Mr. Smith
makes it sound like I'm checking into a
151
00:10:57,650 --> 00:10:58,950
cheap hotel with my secretary.
152
00:11:02,270 --> 00:11:05,090
Am I on camera right now?
153
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:09,510
Yeah, as a matter of fact, you are.
154
00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:13,130
So, what's the problem this week?
155
00:11:13,530 --> 00:11:14,530
Well, look...
156
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,420
Gary likes this girl, but her mother has
the hocks for him. Pete, don't involve
157
00:11:18,420 --> 00:11:19,440
him in the story.
158
00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,640
Come on, Gary. This is a place where I
really could be of some help to you.
159
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:28,520
Oh, and how might that be? Well, what if
we did a scene where I went out with
160
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,520
her mother?
161
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,640
Well, it would put a whole new twist on
the show.
162
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,380
You know, I was thinking you leaving
might be a nice new twist on the show.
163
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:38,720
Perfect squelch.
164
00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:44,480
You know, I'm going to call her before
this whole thing gets out of hand.
165
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:48,300
Way to go, Gare. But what happens if her
mother answers the phone?
166
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,740
You know, you're right. I better
disguise my voice.
167
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,120
Hello?
168
00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:55,099
Hey, Mrs.
169
00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,100
Robertson?
170
00:11:57,540 --> 00:11:59,480
Hi, this is Ed Sullivan calling.
171
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:02,460
We're having a really great night over
here.
172
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,500
I was wondering if Elaine is in.
173
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,180
Well, thank you very much.
174
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:26,030
Then the pelican says, gee, if I'd known
it was a man, I would have flown much
175
00:12:26,030 --> 00:12:28,090
higher. Oh, God, Karen.
176
00:12:30,070 --> 00:12:32,930
I love that one. That's pretty funny,
even for the third time.
177
00:12:35,110 --> 00:12:38,210
These are good French fries, aren't
they? Yeah, they're great. It's too bad
178
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:41,810
didn't get more in your mouth as opposed
to your face. My God, you'd eat like
179
00:12:41,810 --> 00:12:44,740
a... I know. My mother said I would grow
into these lips.
180
00:12:46,860 --> 00:12:48,300
That's the last time I listened to her.
181
00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:52,620
Oh, Gary, I'm going to tell you.
182
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,640
I've had a crush on you from the time I
was 13 until I was 20.
183
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,140
Really? No.
184
00:12:58,540 --> 00:12:59,540
How about now?
185
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:05,060
Well, I still have some residual crush
left. I've had a crush on you from the
186
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:09,600
time I was 20 until 24, and then from 26
until now.
187
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:13,670
Wait a minute. What happened in those
two years between 24 and 26?
188
00:13:14,370 --> 00:13:15,570
Prison. No.
189
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:17,470
I'm just kidding.
190
00:13:18,490 --> 00:13:20,250
No, I was dating a beauty queen.
191
00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:23,470
A beauty queen? Get out of here. Really?
Come on. Yeah.
192
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:24,910
From what country?
193
00:13:25,150 --> 00:13:27,270
Well, Miss San Joaquin Valley.
194
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,830
But that counts, you know.
195
00:13:31,090 --> 00:13:34,870
Yeah. Wait a minute. Don't they grow
grapes up there? Yeah. In fact, she's
196
00:13:34,870 --> 00:13:35,890
lady on the raisin box.
197
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,600
Cheep, cheep, cheep, go to Little
Lumber.
198
00:13:41,860 --> 00:13:47,940
I'm sorry, Gary. I was on my way to this
date when this walrus was hitchhiking,
199
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:52,700
screaming, I know Gary Shandling, so I
had no choice but to pick him up. Let's
200
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:53,700
just take a drive.
201
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:57,800
Okay? I think that'd be a good idea.
Right. Hold on. I'm going to lay some
202
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:58,800
rubber here.
203
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,400
Or do I have my hopes up too high?
204
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,780
Gary, wait. You're not going to leave me
with this guy, are you? I have a date.
205
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,560
A date? Oh, great. I think we have room
here.
206
00:14:10,410 --> 00:14:13,450
See, this is nice. There's no traffic in
the studio this time of night.
207
00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:18,310
Well, this is the living room set.
208
00:14:18,530 --> 00:14:19,530
You like it?
209
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:22,790
Yes, I like it. And look, these are the
cameras.
210
00:14:23,310 --> 00:14:26,410
We're renting them, but, you know, hey,
someday, someday.
211
00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:28,570
And this is the audience. Look.
212
00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:30,210
Look, hi, everybody.
213
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:33,490
Yeah,
214
00:14:33,910 --> 00:14:34,910
yeah.
215
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:39,050
I really hate those people who wave
right into the camera.
216
00:14:41,230 --> 00:14:42,990
And this is Peter Barth, our stage
manager.
217
00:14:43,330 --> 00:14:46,890
Oh, hi, Peter. Hey, Peter. There's a
stage leaving for Tucson at 3 o 'clock.
218
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:48,570
Better be on it.
219
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:51,450
And... Welcome.
220
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:56,310
Last week, I don't know if you saw the
show, this is where we had the graveyard
221
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:58,930
set where the girl hit on me after the
burial scene.
222
00:14:59,910 --> 00:15:03,790
You know, Gary, I have a girl hit on you
all the time. Eh, not really. Oh, come
223
00:15:03,790 --> 00:15:06,710
on. I know my mom. She's nuts about you.
224
00:15:10,540 --> 00:15:14,220
No, there was a squirrel crossing the...
I didn't want to hit him. You know,
225
00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:16,380
they mess up the car. It lives in the
wardrobe room.
226
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:18,740
We all take turns feeding him.
227
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,500
Well, here's my place.
228
00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:25,580
Oh, I had a great time.
229
00:15:26,140 --> 00:15:29,080
Did you have a good time?
230
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:30,300
I had a great time.
231
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,460
Do you want to go out again?
232
00:15:31,740 --> 00:15:33,280
I'd love to. Really? Yeah.
233
00:15:33,660 --> 00:15:34,660
Do you like...
234
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,120
Dancing? Oh, sure.
235
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:39,940
Well, you should come over to my house
and we'll watch American Bandstand.
236
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,720
I'll even stay for Soul Train.
237
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,260
Wow.
238
00:15:48,820 --> 00:15:51,340
Good night. I'll see you tomorrow.
239
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:52,560
Thanks. Good night.
240
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:54,520
Oh, Gary.
241
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:56,740
I love your car.
242
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,360
I got my girl. Who can ask for anything
more?
243
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,160
Old man trouble.
244
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,200
Stop that singing. Mrs.
245
00:16:13,580 --> 00:16:20,520
Robertson. Gary, if you ever, ever date
my daughter again, I will have no
246
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:25,200
choice but to tell her all about us.
Mrs. Robertson, tell her what about us?
247
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,860
by the way, this is the dumbest car I
have ever seen in my entire life.
248
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:33,540
Boy, who put the bee up her bonnet?
249
00:16:52,110 --> 00:16:53,590
Elaine again, but her mother won't let
me.
250
00:16:54,690 --> 00:16:56,190
Her mother won't let you?
251
00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:58,470
Yeah.
252
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:00,130
Gary, what are you, in seventh grade?
253
00:17:01,290 --> 00:17:02,670
Come on, you're both adults.
254
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:09,609
She's a mature woman, you're a mature...
Okay, all right, you're in your
255
00:17:09,609 --> 00:17:10,609
thirties.
256
00:17:12,470 --> 00:17:13,770
What's she gonna do, ground you?
257
00:17:14,930 --> 00:17:18,230
I happen to be afraid that she's gonna
tell Elaine that I slept with her.
258
00:17:19,010 --> 00:17:21,869
Oh, God. Come on, Gary, we both know
that would be more embarrassing for Mrs.
259
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,010
Robertson than for you.
260
00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:31,350
You know, this thing is getting to be
more and more like The Graduate, I'm
261
00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:33,350
telling you. Oh, Gary, come on.
262
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:35,310
Coincidences do happen in life.
263
00:17:35,990 --> 00:17:39,210
Like, remember those Lincoln -Kennedy
coincidences?
264
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,750
What are you saying, that Rose Kennedy
hit on Abe Lincoln?
265
00:17:42,970 --> 00:17:46,830
What kind of thing is that? What kind of
comparison is that?
266
00:17:47,090 --> 00:17:50,290
No, you know... Remember when, you know,
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy,
267
00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:53,150
and Kennedy had a secretary named
Lincoln, and, you know, they both had
268
00:17:53,150 --> 00:17:56,750
presidents named Johnson, and... Yeah,
but Nancy, that's... Wait, wait, wait,
269
00:17:56,790 --> 00:17:57,830
wait. I'm onto something here.
270
00:17:59,510 --> 00:18:02,070
Gary Shandling has 14 letters in it,
right?
271
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:04,690
All right. And so does Abraham Lincoln.
272
00:18:07,810 --> 00:18:08,930
You've got big lips.
273
00:18:09,550 --> 00:18:10,750
Lincoln had a big hat.
274
00:18:14,380 --> 00:18:17,640
was a PT boat commander and you still
love to watch McHale's Navy?
275
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:29,060
You know, when I once played with my
Lincoln logs at the Kennedy Center...
276
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:33,760
Oh, God, it's all coming true to life.
277
00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,820
This is frightening, the whole thing.
Look, look, don't worry about this
278
00:18:37,820 --> 00:18:41,120
graduate stuff, because, look, Dustin
Hoffman ended up marrying Catherine
279
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:42,240
right?
280
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,940
Marriage? You know, I just... All I'm
trying to do is get a second date with
281
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:48,940
this girl.
282
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,080
Norman. Oh, hi, Gary. Hey, everybody,
it's Norman Phil.
283
00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:07,510
This is a nice surprise, Norman. This is
my friend, Nancy.
284
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,210
Nice to meet you. I'm a big fan.
285
00:19:10,730 --> 00:19:13,910
You play Gary's platonic friend, right?
Oh, you're terrific.
286
00:19:14,190 --> 00:19:15,190
Oh, thanks. Really good.
287
00:19:15,350 --> 00:19:18,190
I didn't even know you were on the show
tonight.
288
00:19:18,570 --> 00:19:21,850
Yeah, well, see, I was home watching the
program, and I suddenly realized you're
289
00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:26,270
having a problem with the graduate.
Right. So I told me I'd come over and be
290
00:19:26,270 --> 00:19:28,450
some help. So you're familiar with the
movie?
291
00:19:29,310 --> 00:19:30,310
Familiar?
292
00:19:31,010 --> 00:19:31,909
Familiar, Gary?
293
00:19:31,910 --> 00:19:34,010
Yeah. I was in the movie, Gary.
294
00:19:35,510 --> 00:19:37,310
I don't remember you in The Graduate.
295
00:19:37,570 --> 00:19:39,510
Yeah, I don't remember that either.
296
00:19:40,090 --> 00:19:41,510
Nobody remembers.
297
00:19:41,910 --> 00:19:44,990
See, I played Dustin's landlord up at
Berkeley.
298
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:49,750
No, I think you're confused. You played
the landlord in Three's Company.
299
00:19:52,130 --> 00:19:55,430
Remember? That was John Ritter, not
Dustin Hoffman.
300
00:19:55,630 --> 00:19:58,690
Remember the same story every week, the
wacky mixed -ups with the same... I go
301
00:19:58,690 --> 00:20:00,990
through that all the time. That's why I
have to carry this. What's that?
302
00:20:01,580 --> 00:20:02,960
I have this queued up to my scene.
303
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:07,860
You know, where Dustin comes up and
rents a room in my boarding house.
304
00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:10,559
Oh, great.
305
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,560
You'll love this.
306
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,460
Mr. Newton, it's not exactly... What's
that?
307
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:18,640
I said, not exactly, no.
308
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,200
What are you, then?
309
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,820
Well, I'm just sort of traveling
through.
310
00:20:25,740 --> 00:20:30,180
I'd like to know who's living in my
house. I'd like to know what my boys are
311
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:31,180
to.
312
00:20:31,860 --> 00:20:33,100
I'm not so much active.
313
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,480
I'm just busy.
314
00:20:39,140 --> 00:20:40,900
I mean, I've always wanted to see her.
315
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,360
You know, one of those agitators.
316
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:50,020
What? One of those outside agitators.
Oh, no. I hate that. I won't stand for
317
00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:51,980
I won't stand for that.
318
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,020
Yeah, Norman, I'm sorry. I didn't
remember that part.
319
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,640
Well, it was kind of a small part.
320
00:21:13,400 --> 00:21:16,200
You know, it qualifies you to help me
out with this.
321
00:21:18,340 --> 00:21:22,700
Do I have to, in order to get Elaine, do
I have to sleep with Mrs.
322
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,660
Robertson? Of course not.
323
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,760
But that's what Dustin Hoffman did.
Yeah, but that was a movie. This is real
324
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:28,760
life.
325
00:21:30,620 --> 00:21:31,900
You're in control here.
326
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,180
Oh, man, don't put that kind of pressure
on me, Norman.
327
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,720
Listen, if I were you, I'd go see Elaine
before her mother does.
328
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:41,640
Right. Now, you better hurry because
there's only four minutes left to the
329
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:43,900
Are we that close to the end? Yeah.
330
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:45,560
All right, I better get going. Thanks.
331
00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:46,940
That's great advice.
332
00:21:47,020 --> 00:21:48,620
I'll see you guys later. Good luck,
Eric. See you.
333
00:21:48,820 --> 00:21:50,120
Okay. Thanks, Norm.
334
00:21:52,860 --> 00:21:54,040
Nance, you want to see this again?
335
00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,100
You know, the second time you see it,
the performance kind of grows on you.
336
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:04,300
Certain nuances that you...
337
00:22:27,050 --> 00:22:30,330
This is what happens when you buy a car
for 0 % interest.
338
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,620
Dribble with one hand and do a little
loop shot.
339
00:22:48,820 --> 00:22:51,780
Come on, like Gary. Have you guys seen
Elaine Robertson? No, we haven't, Gary.
340
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,080
Thanks a lot for the big part in the
show this week, Uncle Gary.
341
00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:00,780
Elaine!
342
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:02,520
Elaine!
343
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:03,880
Elaine!
344
00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:07,720
You're not Elaine, are you?
345
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:08,980
Elaine!
346
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,480
Elaine! Elaine!
347
00:23:10,780 --> 00:23:11,699
Elaine! Elaine!
348
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:12,700
Elaine!
349
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,800
Peter, have you seen Elaine Robertson
anywhere?
350
00:23:16,939 --> 00:23:19,260
Um, sure, she's in your house right now.
351
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:23,400
What?
352
00:23:24,020 --> 00:23:28,260
Well, her mother told her about the two
of you, and she went over to your place
353
00:23:28,260 --> 00:23:29,980
to ask how you could do such a thing.
354
00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:32,660
I better get over there.
355
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:37,020
Well, you better hurry. We go off the
air in exactly two minutes.
356
00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:41,380
Thanks, Peter.
357
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,340
How does my hair look?
358
00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:45,820
Um, your hair looks great.
359
00:23:46,340 --> 00:23:49,080
I've never seen such a handsome man.
360
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,160
Thanks, Peter.
361
00:23:54,460 --> 00:23:55,460
Elaine!
362
00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:57,540
Elaine!
363
00:23:58,040 --> 00:23:59,040
Elaine!
364
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,260
I don't believe you.
365
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,560
I just don't believe you.
366
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:06,580
Well, you better believe me, Elaine.
367
00:24:07,180 --> 00:24:09,660
No, Elaine, don't believe her. Gary
didn't do it.
368
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,320
And how would you know?
369
00:24:11,620 --> 00:24:15,000
Because Gary's my friend and he told me
he didn't do it. And his word is good
370
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,000
enough for me.
371
00:24:16,650 --> 00:24:20,130
wouldn't do this to me. He just
wouldn't. It hurt us both, sweetheart.
372
00:24:20,910 --> 00:24:23,270
You know, you ought to be ashamed of
yourself, Mrs.
373
00:24:23,750 --> 00:24:24,750
Robertson.
374
00:24:25,350 --> 00:24:26,350
Let's go home, dear.
375
00:25:08,010 --> 00:25:09,510
I got really burned by the Smothers
Brothers.
376
00:25:10,110 --> 00:25:11,110
I understand.
377
00:25:11,610 --> 00:25:14,410
Norman, we all got one of these after
the picture.
378
00:25:14,910 --> 00:25:16,770
Oh, that's great. Thanks, Norman.
379
00:25:22,690 --> 00:25:25,710
And I charged up your car battery, too.
380
00:25:27,290 --> 00:25:29,390
See you at the deli. Have fun, kid.
381
00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:48,820
I want to thank Norman Spell for helping
me get this second date. Why don't you
382
00:25:48,820 --> 00:25:52,160
folks watch the closing credits while
Elaine and I drive into the sunset?
383
00:27:01,929 --> 00:27:04,130
Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley
Show.
384
00:27:06,490 --> 00:27:08,230
Gary, don't touch me like that.
385
00:27:08,430 --> 00:27:10,710
Hey, come on. We're not on TV now. No
one's going to see.
386
00:27:11,130 --> 00:27:12,130
No.
387
00:27:12,710 --> 00:27:13,750
Then get out of the car.
30082
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