Original subtitles

me i have no reason no idea why they're applauding that much i swear to god i

don't know what's going on there but thank you for applauding otherwise we

have had to stop and start over again so welcome to another show it's great to

see you i uh i gotta be a little honest with you i uh wrote a very funny

monologue for tonight but uh i just haven't been in a funny uh mood lately

don't think i'm gonna you know do the monologue and uh

All right, all right, just one joke, one joke.

The last girl I made love to, I said, was it good for you? She said, you know,

don't think this is good for anybody.

All right, just one, just one, really.

Because, no, I've been kind of in the blase lately and just haven't felt

I don't know what it is, you know.

My health is good, don't worry about it. And, you know, I'm fairly satisfied

with how my hair looks, you know.

Show's going great. This is our fifth one, but it's just like, I don't know,

it's like I'm in some mid -series crisis, you know? Uh -oh, here come the

actors. I wonder what they want.

I want your attention. Attention, please. Attention, everyone.

Oh, this is the guy from the network. Looks a little like Mel Cooley, doesn't

he?

I just wanted to tell everyone that you all have good reason to celebrate

because we at the network are so thrilled.

With the way this series has gone so far, we have decided to pick up its Gary

Shandling show for another 12...

without your name. Hey, congratulations, Gary. So what's next, movies?

Thanks, Lewis. Movies? I don't know. Movies? Would you folks pay six bucks a

piece to see me whine like this?

I don't think so.

Oh, Papa, I am so proud of you. Oh, Mom, thanks.

And you said your face wouldn't clear up. Do you remember that in college?

Not now, Mom, really.

Bubba, do you remember my friend, Jeanette Robertson? Oh, sure.

Hello, Mrs. Robertson. How are you?

Fine, Gary.

How are you?

I'm fine. I'm so happy for you and your success. I really am. But then it

doesn't come as a surprise to any of us.

Oh, well, I appreciate it. Thanks.

Bubba, dear, Jeanette tells me that her Elaine will be home from Berkeley in a

few days. Now, wouldn't it be nice if you gave her a call?

Oh, sure, that would be nice.

You know, her daughter Elaine is terrific, really.

We grew up together. I've really had a crush on her for a long time, but she's

always away at school, so I've never gotten a chance to go out with her.

this is really good timing, because maybe I'm in the blodge, you know,

don't have that really special somebody to share this all with.

You know, I don't mean you at home. I think, you know, you're very special,

but... You know, let's face facts, the second this show's over, you leave.

And I'm not standing here just waiting for you a week later.

So, uh... I just need to be alone for a while, and why don't you watch

the opening credits, and hopefully I'll be in a better mood, because the theme

song always does cheer me up a little bit. Okay?

This is the theme to Gary's show.

The theme to Gary's show. Gary called me up and asked if I would write his theme

song. I'm almost halfway finished. How do you like it so far? How do you like

the theme to Gary's show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the part of where I start to whistle. Then we'll watch his

Sandling show.

This was the theme to Gary Shandling's show.

Okay, they're plastic.

But, you know, I need them. They're easy to care for, and they're not going to

die while I'm on the road.

You know, the only problem is when I boil them, they melt.

Oh, Mrs. Robertson, the bathroom is right next door.

So, how are you, Gary?

I'm just fine, Mrs. Robertson. Mrs. Robertson. Yes, Gary. I don't mean to be

rude, but I just want to be alone right now.

Gary, could you drive me home?

Oh, gee. You know, Mrs. Robertson, here's the keys to my car. Can you drive

stick shift?

No.

Well, neither can I, so...

Really, the car's used to it.

Oh, gee, nearly broke one of my fish.

Gary, I'm a little drunk, and my husband took the car, so could you please drive

me home?

Uh, well... Thanks, Gary.

Sure, as soon as I wring out my keys.

Well, okay, let's... let's go.

really pathetic?

This is my real car.

Well, here we are, Mrs.

Robertson. Good night, Mrs.

Robertson. Gary, could you walk me to my apartment?

Well, you know, I... Gary, the apartment's dark.

I'm afraid to go in there alone.

Well, okay.

But, uh, I really have to... You

know, Mrs.

Robertson...

This is really very nice.

I guess she just keeps her keys in an aquarium.

Gary, could I ask you a question?

Sure.

You've known me since you were a little boy. Right. Now you're a big man.

What do you think of me?

Well, you know, I've always thought that as my mother's friends go, that you

were very nice. Gary, unzip my dress.

Pardon me, Mrs. Robertson? I can't reach back there.

Do you mind?

Well, how about Mr. Robertson? Maybe he... He won't be back for hours.

Maybe days.

Well, I guess you don't want to keep this on for days.

Lower, Gary, lower. Well, there you go.

A little lower.

A little lower.

Mrs. Robertson, if I go any lower, I'm going to strike oil.

Tell me that you've never seen a woman in her slip before.

Can you, Gary?

Oh, gee.

You know, you folks should be very thankful that I'm looking at you right

I got a lot of options from right here.

Believe me.

Mrs. Roberts, I better be going because...

I feel very awkward about all this. Because?

Because unless I'm reading this whole thing wrong, I think you're trying to

seduce me.

Gary!

Oh, I deserve to die. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say that. Is that what you think?

No, that's not what I think at all. Would you like me to seduce you, Gary?

Is that what you've been thinking? No, I was thinking about detente the whole

time I was here. I swear.

Because if that's what you really want, Gary...

I want you to know that I will make myself available to you at all times.

You know, I haven't felt this awkward since my gym teacher hit on me.

Boy, that was weird with that woman, huh? It was like the graduate.

I can't believe you made one.

Well, got one left.

You know, I really want to call Elaine, Pete, but her mother just hit on me.

Really, Gary?

She hit on you?

Yes. Well, tell me.

Please tell me. Tell me everything.

Pete, don't do this. Pete, come on. I mean... Where?

When? Tell me. I mean, I'm a happily married man. I need to know. I have to

know, Gary.

Pete, okay, in the bedroom? In the bedroom.

While I was driving her home. Her home?

Oh, my God. And while I was unzipping her dress. Oh, God.

Pete, there's spittle coming out of your mouth.

Would you control yourself?

Hey, God, I'm just excited.

Hey, God, who's that guy? Oh, God, it's Leonard Smith again.

This guy, he's the head of the condo association. He'll do anything to get on

the show.

Hello, Mr. Smith.

Oh, please, call me Leonard. Mr. Smith makes it sound like I'm checking into a

cheap hotel with my secretary.

Am I on camera right now?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, you are.

So, what's the problem this week?

Well, look...

Gary likes this girl, but her mother has the hocks for him. Pete, don't involve

him in the story.

Come on, Gary. This is a place where I really could be of some help to you.

Oh, and how might that be? Well, what if we did a scene where I went out with

her mother?

Well, it would put a whole new twist on the show.

You know, I was thinking you leaving might be a nice new twist on the show.

Perfect squelch.

You know, I'm going to call her before this whole thing gets out of hand.

Way to go, Gare. But what happens if her mother answers the phone?

You know, you're right. I better disguise my voice.

Hello?

Hey, Mrs.

Robertson?

Hi, this is Ed Sullivan calling.

We're having a really great night over here.

I was wondering if Elaine is in.

Well, thank you very much.

Then the pelican says, gee, if I'd known it was a man, I would have flown much

higher. Oh, God, Karen.

I love that one. That's pretty funny, even for the third time.

These are good French fries, aren't they? Yeah, they're great. It's too bad

didn't get more in your mouth as opposed to your face. My God, you'd eat like

a... I know. My mother said I would grow into these lips.

That's the last time I listened to her.

Oh, Gary, I'm going to tell you.

I've had a crush on you from the time I was 13 until I was 20.

Really? No.

How about now?

Well, I still have some residual crush left. I've had a crush on you from the

time I was 20 until 24, and then from 26 until now.

Wait a minute. What happened in those two years between 24 and 26?

Prison. No.

I'm just kidding.

No, I was dating a beauty queen.

A beauty queen? Get out of here. Really? Come on. Yeah.

From what country?

Well, Miss San Joaquin Valley.

But that counts, you know.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Don't they grow grapes up there? Yeah. In fact, she's

lady on the raisin box.

Cheep, cheep, cheep, go to Little Lumber.

I'm sorry, Gary. I was on my way to this date when this walrus was hitchhiking,

screaming, I know Gary Shandling, so I had no choice but to pick him up. Let's

just take a drive.

Okay? I think that'd be a good idea. Right. Hold on. I'm going to lay some

rubber here.

Or do I have my hopes up too high?

Gary, wait. You're not going to leave me with this guy, are you? I have a date.

A date? Oh, great. I think we have room here.

See, this is nice. There's no traffic in the studio this time of night.

Well, this is the living room set.

You like it?

Yes, I like it. And look, these are the cameras.

We're renting them, but, you know, hey, someday, someday.

And this is the audience. Look.

Look, hi, everybody.

Yeah,

yeah.

I really hate those people who wave right into the camera.

And this is Peter Barth, our stage manager.

Oh, hi, Peter. Hey, Peter. There's a stage leaving for Tucson at 3 o 'clock.

Better be on it.

And... Welcome.

Last week, I don't know if you saw the show, this is where we had the graveyard

set where the girl hit on me after the burial scene.

You know, Gary, I have a girl hit on you all the time. Eh, not really. Oh, come

on. I know my mom. She's nuts about you.

No, there was a squirrel crossing the... I didn't want to hit him. You know,

they mess up the car. It lives in the wardrobe room.

We all take turns feeding him.

Well, here's my place.

Oh, I had a great time.

Did you have a good time?

I had a great time.

Do you want to go out again?

I'd love to. Really? Yeah.

Do you like...

Dancing? Oh, sure.

Well, you should come over to my house and we'll watch American Bandstand.

I'll even stay for Soul Train.

Wow.

Good night. I'll see you tomorrow.

Thanks. Good night.

Oh, Gary.

I love your car.

I got my girl. Who can ask for anything more?

Old man trouble.

Stop that singing. Mrs.

Robertson. Gary, if you ever, ever date my daughter again, I will have no

choice but to tell her all about us. Mrs. Robertson, tell her what about us?

by the way, this is the dumbest car I have ever seen in my entire life.

Boy, who put the bee up her bonnet?

Elaine again, but her mother won't let me.

Her mother won't let you?

Yeah.

Gary, what are you, in seventh grade?

Come on, you're both adults.

She's a mature woman, you're a mature... Okay, all right, you're in your

thirties.

What's she gonna do, ground you?

I happen to be afraid that she's gonna tell Elaine that I slept with her.

Oh, God. Come on, Gary, we both know that would be more embarrassing for Mrs.

Robertson than for you.

You know, this thing is getting to be more and more like The Graduate, I'm

telling you. Oh, Gary, come on.

Coincidences do happen in life.

Like, remember those Lincoln -Kennedy coincidences?

What are you saying, that Rose Kennedy hit on Abe Lincoln?

What kind of thing is that? What kind of comparison is that?

No, you know... Remember when, you know, Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy,

and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and, you know, they both had

presidents named Johnson, and... Yeah, but Nancy, that's... Wait, wait, wait,

wait. I'm onto something here.

Gary Shandling has 14 letters in it, right?

All right. And so does Abraham Lincoln.

You've got big lips.

Lincoln had a big hat.

was a PT boat commander and you still love to watch McHale's Navy?

You know, when I once played with my Lincoln logs at the Kennedy Center...

Oh, God, it's all coming true to life.

This is frightening, the whole thing. Look, look, don't worry about this

graduate stuff, because, look, Dustin Hoffman ended up marrying Catherine

right?

Marriage? You know, I just... All I'm trying to do is get a second date with

this girl.

Norman. Oh, hi, Gary. Hey, everybody, it's Norman Phil.

This is a nice surprise, Norman. This is my friend, Nancy.

Nice to meet you. I'm a big fan.

You play Gary's platonic friend, right? Oh, you're terrific.

Oh, thanks. Really good.

I didn't even know you were on the show tonight.

Yeah, well, see, I was home watching the program, and I suddenly realized you're

having a problem with the graduate. Right. So I told me I'd come over and be

some help. So you're familiar with the movie?

Familiar?

Familiar, Gary?

Yeah. I was in the movie, Gary.

I don't remember you in The Graduate.

Yeah, I don't remember that either.

Nobody remembers.

See, I played Dustin's landlord up at Berkeley.

No, I think you're confused. You played the landlord in Three's Company.

Remember? That was John Ritter, not Dustin Hoffman.

Remember the same story every week, the wacky mixed -ups with the same... I go

through that all the time. That's why I have to carry this. What's that?

I have this queued up to my scene.

You know, where Dustin comes up and rents a room in my boarding house.

Oh, great.

You'll love this.

Mr. Newton, it's not exactly... What's that?

I said, not exactly, no.

What are you, then?

Well, I'm just sort of traveling through.

I'd like to know who's living in my house. I'd like to know what my boys are

to.

I'm not so much active.

I'm just busy.

I mean, I've always wanted to see her.

You know, one of those agitators.

What? One of those outside agitators. Oh, no. I hate that. I won't stand for

I won't stand for that.

Yeah, Norman, I'm sorry. I didn't remember that part.

Well, it was kind of a small part.

You know, it qualifies you to help me out with this.

Do I have to, in order to get Elaine, do I have to sleep with Mrs.

Robertson? Of course not.

But that's what Dustin Hoffman did. Yeah, but that was a movie. This is real

life.

You're in control here.

Oh, man, don't put that kind of pressure on me, Norman.

Listen, if I were you, I'd go see Elaine before her mother does.

Right. Now, you better hurry because there's only four minutes left to the

Are we that close to the end? Yeah.

All right, I better get going. Thanks.

That's great advice.

I'll see you guys later. Good luck, Eric. See you.

Okay. Thanks, Norm.

Nance, you want to see this again?

You know, the second time you see it, the performance kind of grows on you.

Certain nuances that you...

This is what happens when you buy a car for 0 % interest.

Dribble with one hand and do a little loop shot.

Come on, like Gary. Have you guys seen Elaine Robertson? No, we haven't, Gary.

Thanks a lot for the big part in the show this week, Uncle Gary.

Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine!

You're not Elaine, are you?

Elaine!

Elaine! Elaine!

Elaine! Elaine!

Elaine!

Peter, have you seen Elaine Robertson anywhere?

Um, sure, she's in your house right now.

What?

Well, her mother told her about the two of you, and she went over to your place

to ask how you could do such a thing.

I better get over there.

Well, you better hurry. We go off the air in exactly two minutes.

Thanks, Peter.

How does my hair look?

Um, your hair looks great.

I've never seen such a handsome man.

Thanks, Peter.

Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine!

I don't believe you.

I just don't believe you.

Well, you better believe me, Elaine.

No, Elaine, don't believe her. Gary didn't do it.

And how would you know?

Because Gary's my friend and he told me he didn't do it. And his word is good

enough for me.

wouldn't do this to me. He just wouldn't. It hurt us both, sweetheart.

You know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, Mrs.

Robertson.

Let's go home, dear.

I got really burned by the Smothers Brothers.

I understand.

Norman, we all got one of these after the picture.

Oh, that's great. Thanks, Norman.

And I charged up your car battery, too.

See you at the deli. Have fun, kid.

I want to thank Norman Spell for helping me get this second date. Why don't you

folks watch the closing credits while Elaine and I drive into the sunset?

Hope you enjoyed. It's Gary Stanley Show.

Gary, don't touch me like that.

Hey, come on. We're not on TV now. No one's going to see.

No.

Then get out of the car.