Original subtitles

Very nice. I want to thank you who applauded at home as well. Really, thank

so much.

Welcome to another show.

And how's my hair? Does my hair look all right? Because, yeah, oh, sure.

Yeah, I get a lot of hoots on my hair, and it really means a lot to me. And it

was just cut today, and I'm already up and walking around, so I feel really

about it, really. Once the bandages came off, it just looks like this.

Well, we're pretty excited about tonight's show because, as a lot of you

it's Cub Scout week here in Los Angeles.

Oh, yeah.

I know.

I know. It's just too much excitement to take. But I'm doubly thrilled because

Pete and Grant are coming over, and we're all going to the baseball game

some of the other Cub Scouts. And, you know, father -son relationships are

really a very special thing. I remember when I was growing up, my dad had a slip

and slide. Did you have a slip and slide when you were growing up?

There again, you at home really didn't need to vote on that because I can't

you.

But I had a slip and slide when I was growing up, and those

are fun things. I sued my folks within the first year on that thing.

Because, no, they had it out in the driveway, and it would go out and end

you'd end up out in the traffic. You'd end up out in the traffic.

So I'm really thrilled because...

You know, Pete is the closest thing I have to a best friend. And, you know,

Grant's the closest thing I have to a son. And let's face facts, I'm the

thing I have to a wife.

So this is kind of going to be like a family outing for me tonight to go to

game. And just to get us, you know, in the mood for the game, I thought we'd

take a look at my baseball card collection, which I'm very, very proud

you like that?

Would you like to do that?

And we'll look at them over the opening credits.

All right, this is...

Sandy Koufax from 1958.

Is that a great one?

This is the theme that Gary told.

The theme that Gary told. Gary called me up and asked if I was writing a new

song. I'm almost halfway through. How do you like to go? How do you like to see

the Gary show?

This is the theme to Gary's show. The opening theme to Gary's show. This is

music that you hear as you watch the credits.

We're almost to the top of where I start the whistle. Then we'll watch the Gary

Shannon show.

This is the theme to Gary's channel show.

Go ahead, applaud the theme.

This is my favorite card of all. This is actually Roger Maris before he was with

the New York Yankees when he was with the Kansas City Athletics. You know how

rare this card is?

You really don't care, do you?

You really hate everything that's great about this country, don't you? Really,

when you get down to it.

Oh, it must be Pete. Lucky for you. We'll finish this discussion a little

Coming, Pete.

This isn't Pete. Don't you guys watch the show? I don't know who this guy is.

Who are you? I'm Leonard Smith.

I'm head of the Condominium Association. I came over to welcome you to the

condo. Oh, well, that's nice of you, Mr.

Smith. Oh, please, call me Leonard. Mr. Smith makes it sound like I'm going to

Washington.

That's an ad lib. Honest to God, it's the first time I ever said it.

These things come to me all the time.

on TV right now? Yeah, we are, as a matter of fact, and I was just starting

show, and we really should get back to the original story right now. Oh, what's

it about, if I may ask?

Well, it's... It's about me and Pete and Grant going to the baseball game.

Uh -huh. You think that's enough to carry a whole show?

Yeah, why, don't you? Well, it sounds a little shaky, you know.

I'm thinking of having a vasectomy now. Now there's a show.

Oh, yeah, sounds like a two -parter.

Well, and it would be a nice gesture, but, you know, I got to start the show.

We're going a whole other way with the show tonight, all right? So thanks for

coming over, really.

Hey, guys. Hi, Gary.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Gary.

Hey, guys.

Well, you got Cubs cap. Right. Oh, you'll be fine then. I was a Cub. Is

right? Well, gee, when we have that alumni show, we'll give you a call,

Great. See you later on. Do you know when it might be roughly?

I'd like to keep the decks clear. Sure, it's going to be much sooner than we'd

all hoped. Oh, great. Well, toodle -oo. Bye.

Yeah, see you later.

I've got to start going to rehearsals.

You guys want to be careful with the ball? You could break something, okay?

Oh, gee, they told you Gary was a wimp. Hey, come on. Just like your old man who

wouldn't even let us swing the bat in the car.

My dad is not a wimp. I bet he could have played for the Dodgers if he wanted

to. Oh, could not. Could so.

Could not.

Could so.

I thought he was a pitch in college.

Oh, yeah? Well, my dad was drafted by the pros. Yeah, my dad was Hank Aaron.

Really.

Was so.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks. I don't care if I ever get back for it.

Don't sing.

I'm sure there's a baby sleeping somewhere.

Okay, Garrow, point well taken. Okay, come on, kids, in the van. It's hot dog

time.

we go. Hey, Gary, let me ask, is it okay if I hum? Yeah, humming is fine, but I

don't want to understand one word.

You're bopping.

Bopping. Keep the lips sealed. That'll be the key to this whole thing.

Okay?

There you go.

Well, we're going to be gone a couple hours at the game, and I'm really sorry

that we don't have tickets for all of you. We just don't have that kind of

budget, frankly.

But please, make yourself feel at home.

There's some beer in the refrigerator. There's some dip. But don't touch the

cameras, really. They're very expensive.

And I'll see you all in a while. Okay, bye.

Oh, they're coming back. We'd better get back to our seat.

Clean up, everyone.

I'm just embarrassed.

Oh, man, that's the funniest thing I've ever seen. A guy getting hit in the face

with a foul ball.

Hey, that's my dad.

Well, at least he stopped singing, right?

Remind me to send Steve Sachs a thank you note.

He happens to yell that on every ball that's hit.

Pete has a depth perception problem.

We didn't even get to see the whole game.

Hey, guys, come on. We didn't miss a thing. It was 8 -0 in the ninth inning.

The game was as good as over. Right, Gary? That's right, guys. Don't worry

it. Everybody, this is Ted Dawson with sports and Dodger fans. This one's for

you. An incredible come -from -behind victory at the stadium tonight as the

in blue scored nine. Count them, nine runs in the bottom of the ninth inning.

about the usherette who got so excited she ripped off her blouse and danced

topless, that's right, topless on top of the New York Mets dugout. Damn.

The craziest play of the night, though, came in the stands where Cub Scout

leader Pete Schumacher blew an easy...

the game you should wear a shark cape no no i don't think he's safe

until they develop the star wars defense system

It's like a girl's bike. There's not even that horizontal bar here.

I might as well put a basket and a bell on this thing.

Maybe we should put playing cards in the spokes so it'll sound like we're

moving, Pete.

It's kind of like driving a car that's up on blocks, these things.

You get what I'm saying, up on blocks?

You know, Pete, these are my best bike jokes. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

get on a huffy, right?

They're going downhill. Gary, I'm not in the mood for your jokes.

I have a father and son field day coming up. I have to train.

Pete, you be careful. You're going to break your glasses again.

You know, you're overreacting to the whole thing. It's just like an egg toss

a wheelbarrow race.

What are you doing?

You don't have to start popping steroids.

always making jokes.

What, was that an exercise you just did?

What was it?

You sat on that thing, you moved around, you got up. You see, that's the way you

are, Mr. Showbiz. Mr. Funny Man, whose jokes make 11 -year -olds laugh at the

expense of your best friend? Come on, I was just... What? There you go again.

Did that count? That doesn't do you any good whatsoever.

Pete, you're overreacting.

Gary,

well, tell that to the kids who are making fun of Grant in school.

Kids can be cruel.

Kids? Kids? What about that Ted Dawson guy?

What about my butcher?

You know, I think you're supposed to twist. You look like an Easter card

now.

And what about that entire Asian family who passed me in their car laughing and

pointing to their noses? Come on, they were probably signaling for a turn,

They do that. It's a thing they do. Everybody in the car signals. I've been

Japan. At every intersection, you see that. Really?

Gary, Gary, imagine how awful you'd feel if your son lost all respect for you.

Okay? Why don't you just digest that?

God, Pete, they're just jokes.

Pete sure knows how to suck the air out of the studio, doesn't he?

I'd like to toss a medicine ball around.

You know, Mr. Smith, we're right in the middle of the show right now. Please,

call me Leonard. Mr. Smith makes it sound like my brother and me make cough

drops.

Here I go again.

You know, Mr.

Leonard, I've got to go have a talk with Grant about his dad. I've got a serious

problem. The plot thickens. Good idea. I like that.

I've got a photo session anyway. You know, for that alumni show we're going

do? Oh, yeah. Great idea.

If any of you out there are thinking about getting into show business, this

not the way to go about it.

I

got

Wade Boggs and Dwight Gooden.

You got a Dwight Gooden card?

Wow. You know how rare a Dwight Gooden card is? Really, it's a great card.

You know, I really don't need Dwight Gooden, but what would you take for him?

Just saying.

Yeah. Well, who do you have?

Well, I got Jose Cruz.

Got him. Jose Tartable. Got him. Jose Cardinal. Got him. Jose Pagan. Got him.

Jose DeLeon. Got him. Jose Canseco.

Got him. What deal? You got all the Jose's? Yeah.

All right, I'll tell you what. I'll give you my Mickey Mantle card for the

Dwight Gooden.

Okay? It's Mickey Mantle. Okay, well... Okay, and I'll give you the Roger

Merritt card with the Kansas City Athletics.

What do you want? Okay, and ten bucks.

Well... Okay.

Okay? Oh, great.

Okay, ten bucks, two cards.

You know, it cost me a lot, but Dwight Gooden is really a rare card.

I'll tell you what, Uncle Gary.

Since you like Dwight Gooden so much, you can have the other eight Dwight

Goodens that came in the pack with it.

Well, you know how rare these are?

Listen, Grant, I really wanted to talk to you about your dad.

You know, some things in life are just meant to happen. You know, like your dad

getting hit by that foul ball. There's a reason for everything, you know? Some

people call it karma. Some people call it kismet. Sometimes it's just fate.

Let's get to the point, Uncle Gary.

I mean, my dad embarrasses me every time we go out to a game.

This year, he got hit in the nose by a foul ball. Last year, he got a black eye

from a bag of peanuts.

But, Grant, that guy, you know, he throws behind his back. You don't know

it's coming from.

Ew. All right, so baseball's not his game. But, you know, he's got a lot of

other manly qualities.

Name one.

Well, we saw him spit once.

That was blood.

He cut his lip when it got stuck to that popsicle.

Well, that can happen to anybody, Grant, but...

Well, he looks athletic. He looks like an athlete.

Yeah, all right. That was a bad example.

All I'm trying to say, Grant, you know, is I think your dad's going to do great

at the Father's Sunday competition. I think you guys got a chance at winning

Really. You know, Uncle Gary, I listened to what you said just now, and I wasn't

sure before, but now I'm positive.

Right. I'm not going to beat that Father's Sunday competition.

No, no, no, Grant. That's not what I'm talking about.

What do you mean you're not going to go?

I thought about it, Uncle Gary.

I just don't want to put us both through the embarrassment anymore.

No, but... Anyway, but thanks for the talk.

Grant, wait. Oh, and by the way, if you want any more Dwight Goodens, I got a

bunch more at home.

Well, I handled that about as well as Bill Cosby, didn't I?

Gary. Oh, hi, Nancy.

Take this, will you?

What is it? It's curry falafel. Oh, no, no, I don't need anything that highly

seasoned, but thanks.

That's what they said.

That's what who said?

Those people in my apartment.

What people in your apartment?

I don't know, I was just sitting there and 20 strangers showed up.

Where did they come from?

I don't know.

Excuse me just a second, okay?

When I told you to come down to my home and have a good time, I didn't mean for

you to wander onto other people's sets uninvited.

You know, I mean, that's a pushy thing to do. I'm sorry. I'm really very, very

disappointed in all of you. Really.

And you're going to have to stay after.

I guess I took care of them.

Sorry, Nance. I don't think that'll happen again. Oh, sure.

So what's the cape out there with Grant? Well, now he doesn't even want to go to

the father -son game with his dad.

Nice work, Eric.

Well, look, I tried. I told him how manly his dad was and told him I thought

had a chance at winning the competition, and it just backfired.

Why do you guys do that to yourselves?

Why do we do what to ourselves? Where were you? What'd you see?

importance on whether or not you're a great hero or a great athlete.

Well, I don't know. It's just, you know, the pressures of society. We're raised

like that. Don't you ever feel that?

Well, sure, sometimes.

Well, not that macho stuff. It's a different kind of pressure. But, you

don't feel like I'm any less of a woman just because I don't have a husband and

children. Right. But you guys all seem to think that you have to be a great

athlete or great in bed.

Yeah, you don't?

Of course not, Gary. There are many more. important qualities like

and compassion and sense of humor. Right. But you definitely don't need to

good in bed?

No, I said great in bed.

Well, what's the separation there? How do you decide what's great in bed from

what's good in bed? I mean, is size matter? Because, you know, I have a king

-size bed.

anything about what it means to be a man.

Great. Now there are two sexes I don't know anything about.

Well, there you have it. It's daytime.

Did you see the light go on?

It's the next day.

And I feel all refreshed.

Well, here's where we are in the story, all right? It's the next day. Pete still

doesn't know about Grant not wanting to go to the games with him, so I figure,

hey, there's still one chance left for me to patch things up.

And I called Pete this morning, and I got him to have the Cub Scout meeting

here so I could get them all in one room.

Okay, would anybody like a cookie?

Hey, Nancy, toss one over here.

Whoa, hold it.

Everybody duck.

Mr. Schumacher's going to try to catch a cookie.

Nancy, I want you to toss it to prove that I could catch it. Oh, I'm sorry,

Pete. Hey, Pete, why don't you start the meeting, and I'll be right back, okay?

Everything's fixed.

I lost two bucks already.

Why do we have to have our meeting here anyway?

Well, it was just nice of Gary to let us have it here. I mean, there's more

room, we have more games.

Oh, Bulls, just a scam to get our lunch money.

Okay, okay, come on, everybody, down here. Let's go. Come on, let's go.

Move it out, John.

Okay, the weekly meeting of Cub Scout Pack 265 has now come to order.

In just a few minutes, we'll be leaving for the father and son field day.

I don't feel well. I have to go to the bathroom again.

Grant, hold on a second. Hey, guys.

As you all know, Pete was hit in the nose with a foul ball the other night.

thank you. I mean, thanks for bringing it up again, Gary. Well, the point is,

the guy who started the whole thing, the guy who reported it on television, is

here tonight. Give him a warm welcome. Ted Dawson. Ted Dawson is here.

How you doing?

Hey,

dear.

You know that mirror over your bed makes everything look larger?

Ted, I got it. Do you need that?

No, I don't need that. I got it at a carnival. I thought it was a cute item

have.

I also happen to have a roll bar over my bed in case it flips over and no one

gets hurt.

A lot of times there's a lot of activity there. Ted, just talk to the kids,

okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Kids, a couple of nights ago, I made an error.

An error in judgment in regard to somebody in this room. Now, I'd like to

care of that, which is why I brought this tape. I want you all to watch it,

okay? Hey, Gary, I mean, what's going on here? Just watch the tape, Pete.

Okay, ready, guys? Watch this.

each and every one of those guys you just saw has in common?

Each and every one of them is a human being.

A human being who just happened to make a mistake at one particular moment.

He was trying to do his best.

Pete Schumacher is one of those guys.

Pete Schumacher now goes down with the legendary greats. Guys like Pete Rose,

Johnny Bench, even the Babe.

And Dwight Gooden.

You should be proud to know him. I am.

But he wasn't even playing when he got hit.

Son, how would you like to be a bat boy for the Dodgers?

Yeah, you think I could?

Not with your attitude.

Listen, get your head together and call me in about a year, okay?

Hey, Gare, see you later, all right? Hey, love the show. Oh, thanks. You

happen to know the Boston score, do you?

They're playing tonight, Gare.

All right, so they're tied.

All right.

Well, first of all, I want to say that Ted does the local sportscast here in

Angeles, and I think he's so good, I think he should be covering the World

Series for the network.

All right, Ted made me say that, or he wouldn't have come on the show.

Okay? But, you know, he did a great job. Gary.

Thank you. Hey.

Peter. You know,

I'm glad things worked out, and I think we're going to do great at the father

-son competition, really.

Come on, Dad.

Let's go.

We can do it.

You sure you want to go with me?

You bet, Dad.

Kind of reminds you of the closing theme in The Natural, doesn't it?

Well. Gary, that was one of the best ideas you ever had. Nancy, I couldn't

done it without you. Thanks so much, really.

What do we want to do now?

I got to go.

Come on, why don't you stay? We'll discuss that great in bed controversy.

No, no, I promised them dessert.

Are they still there?

Yeah. they're kind of nervy. They're asking for an iced decaf cappuccino.

And you made it for them?

Gary, they're guests in my home.

Wow. So maybe I could come over after the show.

Sure, we'll see you later. You want to do that? Sure. Great.

Okay. Boy, Nancy looks hot tonight, doesn't she?

Well, you know, I wish I could end this show by telling you that, you know, they

won the wheelbarrow race, but, you know, this is Pete and Grant Schumacher,

not...

David and Christy Brinkley.

That's like the weirdest joke I ever told.

I'm not even sure it's a joke, to be honest with you.

But, you know, there's one thing I did forget. You know, when I told you guys

you could come down and make yourselves at home, you did. You had a great time,

and I'm happy that you did.

But, you know, there was 75 cents missing from my end table here.

And I don't know who took it, but, you know, I'm just going to turn my back.

And whoever took it, if you just return the money, I'd really appreciate it. And

there won't be any questions asked.

Okay? All right.

I'm just going to turn my back. And we're at the end of the show, so just

whoever took the money can just put it back.

Hope you enjoy the Gary Chan and so on.