Original subtitles

Yeah, they didn't have these 3D puzzles when I was a kid. Now we can have our

own Empire State Building.

Yeah, it's pretty amazing.

But it's missing something.

For the 97th time, we're not getting a monkey.

Oh, look, honey. We've been working on this all day. I bet we'll be done

tomorrow. Oh, great.

We get our dinner table back. There's a new casserole I want to try making

tonight. On second thought, maybe we need one more day just to...

Have, you know, just one more day.

Hi, hi, hi.

No, no, no.

Get that thing away from me.

What is wrong with you? It's a puzzle, not a bucket of water.

Puzzles are evil. They bring bad luck.

What kind of backwoods nonsense?

You know what? We're not even going to go there with you. Right, buddy?

Right.

What are puzzles? Bad luck, Grandma Maggie.

Well, let's start with my Aunt Rose.

A puzzle put her in the ground.

And you were going to make us miss this.

Mom, just because Aunt Rose died doing a puzzle does not mean some evil puzzle

killed her. Then how do you explain the corner piece lodged in her esophagus?

They also found stuffing from a couch cushion.

Exactly. That woman once ate... Whole way through a furniture showroom.

Never had a problem.

Puzzles.

Oh, good.

My contract came in from the Vaughn Wright Sweet 16.

I don't want to be crass, but even if I got paid in hundreds, I could still make

it rain.

Sweet 16 for rich kids. Mark my RSVPS.

I'll order the steak. We'll decide a sports car.

You're not invited. But I bring all this.

Well, we'll muddle through without all of that.

Come on. I've seen it on TV. Rich parents give out crazy party favors.

think money is love.

Speaking of which, Dad, I'm not feeling the love.

I can use about 20 loves.

I already gave all my love to Gabby.

I could not believe you said that to the library lady. She hates you now. Hey,

if you don't want people thinking you're pregnant, don't be rocking a momo. Hey,

everybody.

Hey, honey.

Noah!

You guys are back together?

I miss you.

No, no, no.

We're still broken up.

Oh, then this is a little awkward.

Yeah.

That's a good color on you.

Noah.

Just a friend lending a friend a book. Thank you, friend.

I'll see you at school.

Bye, everyone.

Bye -bye.

Okay,

I'm gonna go do homework.

Uh, hold on.

We need to talk about this.

Uh -oh.

Relationship talk.

Run for it.

Uh, friends with the neck?

Don't go there.

We already went there.

It's been nice.

Yeah, but it doesn't work when you're in high school. You start out as friends,

but someone always ends up following someone to college and crying outside

dorm until their mother has to come and pick me up.

These ideas are amazing, Stephanie.

I'm sure it will make our sweet 16 unforgettable.

You mean my sweet 16.

Your name's on the cake, Bianca, but my name's on the check.

Okay.

Since the theme is ocean fantasy and you said money is not an object, I was

thinking Bianca enters on a ship made of tulips.

No, no, tulips are ugly.

We will not have ugliness at Bianca's party.

Well, then, we'll have to uninvite the Betancourts.

If we drop the Betancourts, we'll have room for Rick.

He's my boyfriend.

Oh, nice.

What's Rick's last name?

Mooch.

Rick Mooch. Is that spelled with two O's or a U with the dots over it?

That's not his actual name. He's not her boyfriend, and he is not... coming to

this party.

Now that that's settled, a little bad news.

The country club will not let us put a dolphin in the pool. Cute as they are,

sometimes they don't respect boundaries.

Hey, Steph.

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

Mr. and Mrs. Fun Ride, Bianca. This is my daughter, Gabby, and her friend,

Hi. Nice to meet you. You like the plastic cars?

I was supposed to go to the show last weekend, but my little sister had a

recital, and I never missed those.

Aw, what a nice, thoughtful young man.

Well, we should be going.

Stephanie, email us the budget.

Hey, the plastic cars are doing a secret show tonight. Want to go? Do you think

we could get in?

Probably.

It's in our backyard.

Well, hello there.

You must be the McWitches? The Von Reitz.

Whatever, you know.

A party is only as good as its party favors.

You should go big. I'm thinking each guest gets a leather jacket.

Ooh, there's an idea.

I'll text you Donatella's number.

Did you hear that? I'm getting a leather jacket. James, you're not going.

This party has to be perfect.

And I can't have you running rampant all over the gifting suite.

There's a...

Once we glue the puzzle, we can take turns keeping it in our room.

Maggie, what did you do?

This wouldn't have happened if we had a monkey guarding it.

It wasn't my fault. A bat flew in here when I was going through your wine.

I tried to hit it with your dumb building, but it got away.

There's no bat in here. You just wanted to destroy our puzzle because of your

stupid superstition.

You believe me, don't you, baby? I want to.

But you have a history.

What's with him? Your mom ruined our puzzle.

A bat ruined your puzzle.

Yeah, a crazy old one.

Penelope wants to add to the guest list.

This party just gets bigger and bigger, and those are my commission.

Hey!

Okay, let's see.

She's adding the mayor, three vegans, and... And Bianca's new boyfriend, Noah

Miller. Hmm.

Noah Miller?

That's your Noah. I guess he's Bianca's Noah now. Are you cool with it?

Totally. I told you, Noah and I are friends, and it's working.

This is going to be trouble. You can't be friends with your ex.

I keep track of all of my exes.

Really? How else am I going to make sure I'm 100 feet away?

Oh, and I forgot to tell you, my mom wants to cancel the shrimp. Oh, cancel

shrimp? We want to do caviar.

Would it be weird if I hug you?

Don't answer that.

I'll just go and run the numbers.

I don't know if it's your birthday or mine.

Hey, babe.

I was just thinking about you.

Forget what my mom says, Rick. I want you at my party.

Look, it's all taken care of. I got this Noah chump to think he's my boyfriend.

They'll be so happy I'm with him, they won't notice me sneaking away to be with

you. Mom, Mrs. Phillips is flexible. She can handle all of the changes.

Bye.

I've got to go. Thanks.

Oh, and my mom wants to double the number of valets and dress them all in

tuxedos. Is that okay?

overheard Bianca. She's pretending to date Noah so she can speak around with

some guy named Rick. Gabby, if you're his friend, keep out of his business.

if you're my friend, keep his business out of my business.

What are you talking about, Stephanie? We have to do something.

Or, and I'm just spitballing here, we don't.

Not until the party's over and the check clears.

In the meantime, I have to go get napkin rings. Stephanie, how can you worry

about napkin rings when Noah's about to get his heart broken?

Ah, there, Fabergé.

I want to make sure that my party favorite leather jacket is the right

you measure my inseam?

James, the inseam is for your pants.

We're getting leather pants, too?

I'm going to look like Tom Jones.

Dad says the ladies love Tom Jones.

Sorry,

my finger slipped.

What are you doing with an air horn?

Bats don't like loud noises.

Man, you are really working that bat story. Just admit you broke that puzzle.

Just admit you liked that boy.

Well, I don't. And I didn't. But you did. Shut up. You shut up.

Just take your fake bat hunt somewhere else. I want to talk to Noah.

About how much you love him. Get out!

Hey. Hey.

Come on in. Have a seat.

You sounded weird on the phone.

What's going on?

I'm just going to come out with it.

Bianca's using you. She's got some secret boyfriend named Rick, and she's

you as a cover so her parents won't find out.

Bianca told me all about Rick. Her parents tried to force her to go out

him, but she followed her heart.

Pick me.

What? That's the opposite of... Oh, she's good.

Look, Noah, you can't go to that party.

That's not really your business.

As long as you're my friend, it's my business.

You're not acting like my friend.

you're ordering me around i'm not ordering you around i'm telling you what

dump bianca and blow off her party gabby i thought you wanted to be friends you

can't be doing this jealous ex -girlfriend thing i'm out

special for Bianca.

Where's the antidote? How long do I have?

They're not poison.

But she stole your man's. Grandma Maggie says you can't abide that.

And Noah and I are just friends, and I don't like to see my friends get used.

So I took Stephanie's phone and texted Bianca. When she comes over, I'm going

gently coax the truth out of her lying, cheating face.

Or, as long as you're stealing phones, just steal Bianca's. That way you can

show Noah proof.

How do I know there's going to be anything on her phone? Girls have

on their phone. By the way, here's your phone.

Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.

Hey, Bianca.

Where's Stephanie?

She texted me that there's an ice sculpture problem because of global

Oh, that all got handled.

But, since you're here...

Maybe we can talk about our mutual friend, Noah.

I don't think we should.

He told me that you called me a cheating liar.

Oh. In public school, that's a compliment.

By the way, you look stank.

We're bonding.

Cookies?

No, thanks. I just had my teeth whitened.

Really? Looks like they missed it, Bonnie. You're fangy. The bathroom's

there if you want to check it out.

Boom, boom, boom.

Dad's right. No one needs a purse this big.

Gabby, what are you doing and where did you get that bag?

Uh, it's mine. I bought it.

That's a $3 ,000 bag with Bianca Von Wright stitched inside.

I was dumpster diving behind her house.

I also found three show ponies in a Picasso.

That's the lamest story I've ever heard.

I'm not going to stand here and debate it with you, Stephanie.

got three ponies to feed.

Okay, she's in the bathroom.

I'm trying to get her phone so I can get proof that she's cheating on Noah.

Wow, you're really not over him.

I am over him. I'm just trying to keep him from being humiliated at that stupid

party. Oh, don't drag my party into your mess of a private life.

My private life is a mess because of your party.

Gabby, put down that bag. You're acting nuts. I am not acting nuts. Now go lock

Bianca in the bathroom.

Is that my purse?

Is it yours?

I thought it was mine.

So, my boyfriend is yours. My purse is yours.

Is there anything else of mine that you want?

I wouldn't be mad at that. Trust fun.

Stay away, puzzle killer.

Ain't nobody going near your evil old bad lump.

Besides, only took the dead one.

Those are the best. They're easier to hug.

Maggie, stop with the made -up bat.

It is not made up. According to the Internet, it is a Pennsylvania brown

and you must remove it humanely. And so we are going to lure it with the bugs

and then humanely hit it with a frying pan.

Why don't you just paint a tunnel on the wall and let it fly through?

Something, Charlie. I got half of mine to quit coming over here. Oh, how do we

get the other half on board?

Guys! Move out the way, baby.

I'm about to hit your daddy with my bat pan. My bat pan.

Guys!

It's spectacular. I can practically hear the waves.

Don't you just love our costume?

I'm not sure what I'm looking at.

I'm the millionaire.

And his wife.

It's funny because we're actually billionaires.

We should get you to some caviar while I adjust my final invoice.

Okay, we got in. I can't believe nobody saw us running across the golf course.

You go hunt for Bianca's phone while I hunt for treasure in the gifting suite.

Oh, fuck!

Love that dress!

James, I thought you said I'd blend in. You should have told me to dress hot

like a sexy mermaid.

Yeah, as your brother, there's a lot of words in that sentence I'm never going

to say to you.

I like this song.

You want to dance?

Yeah, I'd love to.

for an hors d 'oeuvre.

We don't have a tray.

Oh. I wonder where I dropped it.

Gabby? Is that you?

Nope. Not me. Gotta go.

Gabby.

You're gonna want some butter with that.

You sure you saw that bat come in here?

I think so.

Maybe.

My eyes are closed.

How are you gonna help me find the bat?

an understanding.

I don't look for him.

He don't look for me.

Charlie! Aaron!

The box in the kitchen!

She said it's in the kitchen. I heard her.

It escaped and flew out the back door.

You talk too slow.

Gabby! Of course. When I heard a lobster crash the party, I thought, please let

it be someone else's kid. But in my heart, I knew it wasn't.

Why are you here?

Is this about Noah?

That's what Noah would like to know.

I think I was right.

You're not over me.

That's it.

I'm not over you.

Bring it in for a hug. Just let me get that purse out of my way. Daddy, we're

friends. That's all.

Got it. Got it. Totally fine.

Let's hug on that. No, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I understand this breakup has been hard on you. You know what? Don't be an

idiot. Just give me the purse. The only way I can show you I'm not a jealous ex

-girlfriend is to get Bianca's phone and prove she's two -timing you.

I can handle this.

I'll wire $5 ,000 into your account if you never see my daughter again.

Nice try. You don't know my Rick.

Right, Rick?

Rick?

Oh, man!

See, Seth? I told you I was right. You can be friends with a man. Uh -huh.

That's exactly what I want to talk about at the biggest party of my career.

I've got a damaged control to make riches. Get this red -hot mess out of my

were looking out for me.

That's a friend's deal.

Tell me the truth.

You haven't thought about you and me at all?

Nope. Good, because you're a lot of work.

If that's settled, help me find my tail. This thing's a rental.

I'm so sorry.

I hope this doesn't affect our business relationship.

Not at all. You gave a wonderful party. But I am going to have to deduct what

the octopus took.

Take your time, Steph.

I gotta make two trips.