All language subtitles for Instant Mom s03e10 Bag Lady

Guess whose party planning company is
finally making a profit.

This will be a really lame story if the
answer is not you.

Profit, huh?

Then you'll stop flipping your flyers
into the surgeon's lockers at the

hospital. And you'll stop cold calling
my friend's parents, asking them if

they're ready to party.

And I can take that pupper sticker off
of my soccer pants.

Keep knocking my house so I won't give
you these gifts.

Gifts? We love you so much, savvy
business lady.

Before the gifts, I've got some more
good news.

Oh.

Guess who got invited to the membership
luncheon for PWAG, the Philadelphia

Women's Entrepreneur's Guild.

Give me a minute.

That's great, honey. I'm so glad to see
your hard work's finally paying off.

Well, it's not a done deal. This is
basically my interview. It is the most

prestigious business club in
Philadelphia, and these PWAG luncheons

I feel you, Steph. Molly and I are
trying to get in with these girls, and

have to do a lunch thing, too.

Well, give them our lunch.

Just to hang out with some girls?

Not some girls.

Megan and Emily are the most popular
girls at school, and once we're in their

social circle, we're set for life.

Set for life? What does that even mean?

It means, at lunch, we sit on the good
steps.

And next year, we decide who sits on the
good steps.

You know, set for life.

Gabby, Gabby. Enough about Gabby.

What are these?

Shoes for Gabby.

Oh, the sneakers I wanted. How do you
know?

I think it was the interpretive dance
you performed.

And this is for you, Erin. An art kit
with 122 individual supplies.

I'm obviously the favorite.

to go with that. Oh, cool. A pen that's
also a... pen.

There's nothing wrong with a good pen.
Makes all the young ladies say, I would

like to give that dapper young gentleman
my phone number. Yeah, exactly.

Plus, I accidentally kept it when I
signed the credit card receipt.

Ooh, stolen pen.

Dapper for the dark side.

And this is...

For you, Charlie.

Thank you so much for supporting me. Oh,
thank you, honey, for the mortgage

payment.

I know it's a little pricey, but it's
worth it. It's 100 % vicuña wool.

Well, what is a vicuña, and was this
sweater made from the last one on Earth?

But it's hamster.

Yep, it's hamster.

No, a vicuña is like a super fancy
llama.

Kind of llama that would drive a
Bentley.

You didn't get yourself anything?

I got myself the best anything.

The new Aenea tote bag.

It comes out tomorrow and I got one on
hold. It's also a little pricey, but

worth it. How pricey? You know how your
sweater's driving that fancy car?

My bag's sitting in the back seat
sipping champagne.

I need to return this sweater.

What's the matter? Doesn't it fit?

Oh, it fits just fine. I tried it on
this morning, but... Oh, that means you

wore it outside of the store.

Sorry, no returns on used items.

Why not?

They're not underpants.

Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Uh, what are you doing here? I thought
you were getting your bag.

I am. This is where I bought the bag.

Are you trying to return that sweater?

He was.

but I wouldn't let him.

Thanks for the help. Are there comment
cards? Because I did not have the best

experience today.

Charlie, that sweater was a gift. You
can't just return a gift. Well, for what

this sweater costs, I could buy a
boatload of sweaters and a boat.

I earned the money, I spent the money,
and you're going to wear that sweater. I

don't even wear half of the things I buy
you.

Are you still going on about that velvet
pantsuit? What?

You're a working professional.

I'm not that kind of working
professional.

Anyway, this sweater is too nice for a
man with three kids. Kids ruin nice

things. No, they don't. What happened to
those designer sunglasses Stephanie got

me for my birthday?

I stepped on them. No, I stepped on
them. Oh, right. I stepped on his watch.

What?

You mean it's not 6 .30?

See?

What I see is you keeping that sweater
and me getting my new bag. Oh.

Oh, the Aenea.

I have it right here.

Oh, she's so pretty.

Come to mama.

I have never loved anything more than
this bag. And yes, I know how that

Aaron, ten more minutes of painting and
then we gotta leave for school.

Remember, paint only on the canvas and
wipe your hands when you're done. Okay.

What do you think?

Huh, is that a sandwich?

I call it.

Hey, girls, you're going to be late for
school. If Megan and Emily aren't here

soon, I'm driving you myself.

Steph, no. We want to roll up in a
junior's car, not a senior's car.

Keep it up, and you're going to roll up
on a gurney.

Oh, is that your new Anea bag, Mrs.
Phillips?

You know it. Oh, my mom really wanted
one, but my dad got her a treadmill

instead.

We had to visit him at my grandma's for
a while.

Hey, Aaron, grab your backpack. James!

using your ania i want to keep it nice
for my luncheon tomorrow why aren't you

wearing your new sneakers megan hasn't
approved them yet i don't want to rush

her that's how molly lost moccasin
morning ladies oh molly whoa

what did you do james shower in that
cologne it was more like a sponge bath

thank you for noticing hey girl you
smelling my scent it's like

in my mouth megan and emily are here
Everyone, play it cool.

Gabby, people should like you for who
you are. Stop acting like these girls

all that.

Hey. Hey.

You two are cute.

You're, like, so pretty.

I want your face.

Oh, stop.

Gabby, I love them.

Hello. I'm Gabby's handsome, younger,
yet more mature brother, James.

But I'm already taken.

Boy, get in the car.

And roll down all the windows.

You think I'm wearing too much cologne?

I like it. You smell like three uncles
combined.

Gabby, is that your ania? Oh, no. It's
my stuff. Yes.

She just got it yesterday.

Can I borrow it?

I'd let you because I'm cool like that.

But I haven't even used it myself yet.

Oh, well, is that you can't wear
anything cute until Megan wears it

I'll give it back at the end of school.

That's okay, right?

Unless you want to go back to the bad
steps.

No. I'm loving the good steps.

Oh.

This is perfect timing because I've just
totally trashed my bag.

Who was just you?

What did you do to Sarah? I let Megan
borrow it, and her nail polish exploded.

Just like Stephanie's brain will when
she sees this.

Why don't you just buy a new one? Oh,
sure. Let me just go get the money from

Swiss bank account.

I know you're mocking me, but those can
be very useful.

You can just buy a fake bag.

Where am I going to get a fake bag
before her luncheon tomorrow?

I can get my hands on one for the right
price.

I can pay you 17 bucks and a bobby pin.

I don't need the bobby pin. I have a
lockpick.

What I do need is you to talk me up so
your hot new friends are into me. And

Molly gets all jealous. And therefore,
into me.

Fine. But how do you know where to get a
fake bag?

Remember Ryan's uncle who went to jail?
Yeah. He's out.

Just keep your paint -covered hands over
there, away from my new sweater.

Chill out, man. I was just going to ask
you to go to the kitchen and get me a

popsicle. You can't be getting melty
things in this sweater.

I can't do anything in this sweater.

Take it off.

I wish I could. I promised Stephanie I
would wear it, so I'm going to wear it.

And I'm going to enjoy it.

Don't people usually smile when they
enjoy something?

Single people.

Charlie, I'm going to be late for my
luncheon. Have you seen my new bag?

No. Can you take a different one? With
that bag, I am a stylish professional

they are going to want in their club.

Without it, I am just some wannabe who
lied about having a bag.

There's my Aenea.

Oh, were you looking for this?

It's been sitting right here the whole
time.

Come here, baby.

Don't you ever run away from Mama again.

I didn't think that would fool her. That
knockoff's amazing.

You know what'll be amazing?

When Molly slaps those girls because
they're all over me.

Make that happen.

Sure, you earned it.

Oh, hey, you think Ryan's uncle could
get me some fake designer stuff?

He's getting out of the knockoff
business.

But he could get you a deal on the baby
panda.

Hi, I'm Stephanie Phillips. I'm meeting
some women here. Oh, yes. Your party's

waiting for you. Wait.

Before I go, how do I look?

I've got a little something on your
dress.

Oh, no.

The color's coming off my bag.

I can't go over there like this.

Stephanie, over here.

I have to go over there like this?

Ladies, it's a pleasure.

Oh, put that hand away. We're huggers.
Not me.

I'm an air kisser.

We've done our research on you and we're
very impressed. Your company's been

handling some high -profile events. It
has.

You know, I'd love to show you some
recent pictures.

Huh?

Is your bag rubbing off on your dress?

Ew, is that a knockoff?

Of course not.

Obviously, I'm bleeding.

I donated a kidney on the way over here.

No good deed, am I right, ladies?

Uh, squirrel?

Yep, hold on.

Perfect! Stay like that!

Okay, I've got all the clothes. I'm cool
trading.

When do Emily and Megan get here for
your clothing drive?

In an hour, and it's a clothing flop.

You're giving clothes I bought you to
people I don't know. I'll call it what I

want. Whatever you call it, don't be
here.

I was surprised that we had to have that
rule.

I can't paint under these conditions.

No squirrels, wipe your hands.

Get out of here, I'm taking a shower.

Stupid luncheon, stupid bag, stupid
store keeping me on hold, and that Barry

Manilow is not calming me down.

How did it go? Did you get in?

How could I get in, Charlie?

My... super expensive bag is a fake.
This Made in Italy bag has a Made in

Detroit label. Do you know what that
means?

Jobs are coming back to America?

It means I'll never get into that
business club. And I have to. If they

in, I'm set for life.

You get to sit on the good steps, too.

No, this is nothing like Gabby.

Gabby is social climbing. I'm moving up
to a higher class of people.

You sure told me.

Now, I'm going to tell that phony
boutique they better give me a full

I'm going to smack them upside the head
with this cheap bag.

I don't care.

I'll whoop them with ease.

Who wants this super cute dress?

I'll take it. Oh, can I borrow it?

No.

And in exchange, I'll swap you this.

A polyester turtleneck?

It gave her a horrible rash.

But you're going to look adorable in
that.

Yeah, just wear an undershirt.

Um, okay, I'll take it, I guess.

My turn. What does someone want to give
me for these leather pants?

Oh, hey, those are mine. I let you
borrow them like a year ago. I want

Uh, I'm not swapping them.

But I want them, so you kind of have to.

In exchange, I'll swap you this.

Uh...

This is a pillowcase.

You guys just brought a bunch of junk to
swap for our clothes. Oh, my gosh. We

would never.

Oh, look. I even brought my favorite
belt.

That's a shoelace.

Nuh -uh.

It's a belt.

You can't just call something something.

Yes, you can.

I'll wear it.

do you think we're doing? She means hang
when we're not doing your homework or

buying your lunch or coming over before
school to brush your hair.

Although your hair is so soft, it's
actually a pleasure.

What's that smell?

Hello, ladies.

Megan, Emily, you both look lovely.

Gabby, you look indebted to me.

handsome, desirable brother James, who
is a great conversationalist, whose

bedtime was recently upped to 10 .30.

And since we can now chat until the wee
hours of the night, let me get y 'all

busy.

Anybody have a fancy pen?

Why, James, you dapper gentleman, you.

I'm uncomfortable.

Please stop bothering our new best
friends.

Molly, haven't you been here the whole
time?

Oh, James.

Brother, who is every woman's dream.

Why don't you run off to the kitchen and
have Stephanie make you something that

takes a long time to eat?

Can't. She's not here.

Dad said she went to the mall to return
her new bag.

I'll be one sec, girls.

Keep stealing my stuff.

You mean Stephanie's taking the fake bag
back to the real store?

Uh -huh.

Oh, wait. Yeah, you're in trouble.

You think?

Oh, please pick up. Please pick up.

Pretty sure she's not gonna pick up.

Hey! You sold me a knockoff.

We don't sell fake handbags here.

Don't buy that. It's a fake.

It pops right off.

Wow. That's really on there.

Well, the straps are hanging on by a
thread.

Seems pretty sturdy to me. It's not.
It's junk. See?

Made in Italy.

Where's the Made in Detroit tag, huh,
Sneaky?

There isn't one because it wasn't.

I bet they got the lining from Italy,
but the outside part from Detroit.

That makes no sense.

It will when you see it.

Crazy lady, please stop!

No! You're selling fakes and I can prove
it! Seth!

Seth! They don't sell fakes.

I replaced your bag with a fake one
because I let Megan borrow it and she

it up.

What's that now?

is real.

I see.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and pay for
this one. Can you split that between

credit cards?

FYI, should this ever happen to you, tub
and tile cleanser doesn't get nail

polish out.

Look, I'm really sorry about everything.

popular girls got me all turned around.

Yeah, those luncheon ladies got me all
turned around too.

You were right when you said people
should like us for who we are. We're

awesome. Yeah, we are.

We don't need them. We've got each
other. That's right. We are strong,

independent women and we get our
validation from ourselves.

And sometimes our boyfriends.

And sometimes our husbands.

I was kidding.

Yeah, me too.

There's my phone.

Huh. It's Trudy from the luncheon. I
can't believe they're even bothering.

Hello?

Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm.

Are you kidding?

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

See you the first Tuesday of every
month.

I got in!

I can't believe you accepted.

What about all that, we don't need them?
That was before I had them.

was for me to send a town car and get
some papers at the bus.

So what's the lesson here? That I can't
have fancy superficial friends until I

can afford to buy them myself?

No. No.

Kind of.

That is a terrible lesson.

But a valuable one?

Oh, shut up. You ruined my bag.

Look who's got Emily's digits.

Well, she gave me five out of seven, but
that's more than enough to make Molly

jealous when I show her.

Isn't she going to notice that it's not
a whole phone number? Eh, she won't

care. She'll be too busy wondering how
this dapper gentleman got into her

closet.

James! James!

Charlie, you were right. When you have
kids, you can't have anything nice.

Funny. I was just going to say you were
right.

Despite a few close calls with Mega Mess
here, my sweater is still perfect.

Hey, wait. What's that?

Oh, no, no, no!

Stay perfect!

Last time I did anything nice for any of
us. Hey, I love the stuff you got me,

even the pen.

Wait, I just had that. Where'd it go?

Found it.

Hey!

All right.

This is more like what I expected.

But you know what?

Kids are the reason cushions have two
sides.