Original subtitles

Hey, Steph.

I have a joke for you. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not me, because I'm headed

Liberty Fun Park to ride the new Monster Machine roller coaster.

Oh. I have one, too. Knock, knock. Who's there? Get out of my face, boy. You're

not going until your birthday.

Hi, hi, hi.

Grandma Maggie.

Knock, knock. Beat it. I'm not taking you to that roller coaster.

No one in this family appreciates a well -crafted joke.

Hey, babe.

I just got called in for an emergency consult, so you'll have to take Aaron to

Randy's pool party this afternoon.

But I can't. I don't have a swimsuit or goggles.

You want my eyes all Bernie Charlie?

You don't have to get in the water. Most parents just sit around the pool

drinking secret margaritas out of juice boxes.

That sounds complicated, but I'm willing to learn.

Well, count me in, because I am all for adult education.

Plus, I've been looking for a free pool for a while.

Don't you have a pool at your condo?

Um, not allowed.

It was an incident.

Okay, so I'll go to my console, you'll go to the party, and you do not.

Your husband still does not know that you are afraid of pools. I am not afraid

of pools. I am afraid of drowning in pools, thanks to you.

It's my fault. I gave you a swimming lesson.

You threw me in the deep end and yelled, there's a shark in the pool. Swim!

Your survival instinct was supposed to kick in.

It did. I survived by never going back into a pool.

doesn't need to know every little thing about me. He doesn't need to know I

accidentally voted for Bush, and he doesn't need to know this.

Marco Polo with me? On land? No.

Pass.

But you've been sitting through the whole party.

I told some moms I'd watch their purses.

Randy's brother looks a little shady.

Well, will you come watch me belly flop?

Okay. But to be safe, try to land next to Randy's dad.

After his very enthusiastic hello kiss, I know he's got a great set of CPR

lungs.

Aaron today.

How did it go?

Fine. Yeah, if you wore that, I bet you turned some heads.

Yeah, I definitely gave them something to look at.

There were even some picture -taking.

Hey, Steph, what's for dinner?

Chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes.

Sounds good, but I really hope the broccoli's not swimming in cheese.

And the mashed potatoes aren't drowning.

Her chicken's not too crispy.

Yeah, I'm not sure what we're doing.

Well, who are you guys talking about?

Stephanie almost drowned at the pool party.

What? She can't swim.

You're a grown woman. What else can't you do?

Float.

All right, that's enough. Everybody, go, go, go.

Not you.

Why didn't you tell me you can't swim?

What were you going to do if Aaron got into trouble?

What any other responsible parent would do?

Scream for help.

Stephanie, this is serious.

For your safety, you've got to take swimming lessons. For your safety, you

better drop this.

Stephanie, we'd like to apologize for laughing at you.

So you can't swim.

So what?

Yeah, it's cool, Stephanie.

Thanks, guys.

But in case it rains tomorrow... You might want these floaties.

Or in case you drive through a car wash.

Or in case you get stuck in an elevator.

Still not sure what we're doing here.

Well, I did it. I graduated from my swim class, and according to

the rec center, I am a... officially a barracuda.

That's great, honey. I'm proud of you.

Way to go, Steph.

And now that I've looked my fear in the face, I want to help all of you conquer

yours, like Jane's fear of clowns. That cool fear of what? Uh -uh, move on, move

on.

Hi, Stephanie just overcame a really big obstacle in her life.

If she wants to help you do the same, you should let her. Aw, thanks, Charlie.

And what are you afraid of? Huh? Me?

Why are we on me? You usually do this with the kids.

Come on, Charlie.

Fine.

For a while there, I was afraid of dying alone, but then I met you, and that

fear went away.

Aw, that's so sweet. Look at my man loving on me.

Okay, Gabby, what is your most crippling fear?

Okay, I haven't really told anybody this, but... I'm really, really afraid

insects.

Insects? How could you be afraid of insects? They're a man's best friend.

No, a dog is man's best friend. Really, Gabby?

Have you ever seen a dog walk up a wall?

Can a dog spin a web? Are there eight dogs in my pocket right now?

I rest my case.

Okay.

I can work with that. How about you, Aaron? I know this makes me sound like a

little kid, but I'm afraid of fire.

No, no, no. That's the fear we want you to hang on to.

Then I guess it would be great to not be afraid of that big kid at church.

Marie, didn't Marie move?

Oh, right. Then I'm good.

Don't worry, buddy. We'll get you afraid of something.

Meanwhile, we'll start on Gabby and then we'll move on to James.

I love when you fix my kids.

You're adorable.

You know what's not adorable?

with a permanent tear.

That means he's taking a life.

I thought your biggest fear was hair in your food.

If I told Stephanie that, she'd start serving up hairy food, and don't nobody

want that.

So I had to give her a fake fear that I could fake getting over.

I think you should be honest with her. She just wants to help.

You really want to go down the honesty road, man who's afraid of dying alone?

That's not your real fear.

You don't know what you think you know.

Oh, I know what I know.

Allow me to set the scene.

It's a humid July day at Liberty Fun Park. I'm wearing a blue polka dot

You're wearing socks with sandals.

We're on the kiddie coaster.

You remember all that?

You were only five!

Well, it's hard to forget your dad weeping uncontrollably.

You're afraid of roller coasters.

That's why you never take James.

You tell Stephanie, and you're going to find long, nasty strands of hair in your

food until the day you go to college.

Even then, I'll ship them to you. You'll think it'll be a hair package, but

it'll really be a hair package.

You just did.

What about the beetle and the crisper? There's a beetle and the crisper?

Okay, Stephanie, stop putting bugs where they don't belong.

I told you, between the breathing exercises and all your insect immersion

videos, I'm cured.

Are you sure you've watched enough of those? Because I still have the

cut of the one about moths.

Nope. Thanks to you, I'm completely over my fear.

Does this mean I rehearsed my honeydews for nothing?

No, you can still do it.

Don't patronize me.

Sorry, buddy.

I'm glad you're over your fear.

I knew we could do this together.

Sorry, buddy.

Hey, little bro.

Guess what? I'm cured of my fear. You know what that means.

Now Stephanie's gonna focus all her crazy on me?

FYI, it's a whole lot of crazy.

CRISPR crazy.

CRISPR crazy? What's that mean? What's in the CRISPR? I was gonna get a

tangerine.

What am I going to do?

Really, nothing. I'm standing here dressed as a beast.

I've got bigger problems.

Stephanie's going to come after me, and I need your help. As long as I can wear

this costume.

I spent six allowances on it.

No, I need you to be afraid of something. Quick, so Stephanie moves on

and she'll leave me alone.

Can't do it, James. I'm not afraid of anything.

You know who you should go to?

Dad. He's scared of roller coasters.

Wait, what?

Dad's afraid of roller coasters? How did I not know that?

Maybe because you're a little too self -involved.

Okay, James, I know this might be traumatic, but we are going to get over

fear of clowns together.

Clowns? You must not have heard. I'm scared.

Yes, he is. He is not baking.

I don't buy it. Me either. It's true.

all that stuff you told Gabby. So we did the breathing exercises and poof, my

fear was gone.

Hmm, that's so great.

Just one thing.

Nice picture, Steph.

Old boyfriend.

Wow. Okay.

I want to stuff you in my little car.

Let's go.

Oh, and bring 23 of your buddies.

Thanks.

I'm impressed.

You are now free to work on dad's fear.

I have no fear. I have my wife, remember?

Hold it, hot lip.

You're telling me you don't have a crippling fear of roller coasters?

You're afraid of roller coasters?

No.

What? No.

Huh?

I have a great idea. James, what's the name of that roller coaster you won't

shut up about?

Knock, knock. Just the name.

The Monster Machine at Liberty Fun Park.

That's it.

We're going this Saturday. Charlie, you need to face your fear head on and kick

it in the teeth.

Yeah, like I do with clowns. Oh, did you?

Did you?

Did you?

Come on, Charlie. We'll start with pictures of roller coasters. And I'll

your face so you can feel the wind.

Great. Now I'm afraid of dying alone again.

Falling 500 feet onto a churro cart.

Man, you weren't faking, were you? You're really not afraid of clouds

Give me my blankie.

Boy, the line is short.

I'm trying, but Dad keeps tripping me.

Prove it.

Okay, Charlie, we've been here for hours. All we've done, it's been $300

to win a $2 stuffed banana.

Yeah, and we rode every animal on the merry -go -round, plus that bench that

doesn't move.

You know what we haven't done?

Caricatures. I'm thinking the whole family on skates.

No more stolen.

I want to ride the monster machine, not Doc.

Who's there? Me, and I want to get on so bad.

Aaron and I have been on every ride in this park that he's allowed to go on. We

got character tourists.

Look how big my head is. And I'm surfing.

That means the guy's free. Now's our time. Dad, please.

Charlie.

Oh, you look awful.

I take it the ride didn't go very well. We haven't been on it yet.

Hear that, Steph?

He's afraid of it, too. Make him ride instead.

Wait, in science as I can't, but in science as I can.

Thanks, Steph.

No, no, no, no, no. You stay with Grandma Maggie.

Charlie, don't turn on your son because you're afraid.

I'm not afraid.

I'm concerned.

Have you seen all these warning signs about pre -existing conditions, huh? I

pre -existing conditions out the wazoo, which is also a pre -existing condition.

Someone's asked about Maggie's fear, huh?

They don't have to, because I don't have any fear.

I am silly.

Give me that funnel cake.

See?

Now, Aaron and I are going to get me another sweet tea from the Cajun castle.

But you must be so tired. I'll go get it. Charlie Phillips, you get on this

ride. My mom can get her own diabetes drink.

I can't believe you tackled me.

I can't believe you went down that easy.

Focus. We are about to experience the highest roller coaster drop legally

allowed by Pennsylvania law.

We put that light on top so airplanes don't hit us.

Oh, hey, look.

That's the park entrance.

Way down there.

Don't point at me. Get things way down there.

What's that noise?

It sounds mechanical.

It is mechanical. We are on a roller coaster.

Everything is fine.

How do you know?

Did you build it? Are you an engineer or do you just hang streamers for a

living?

Don't go there, Charlie. Oh, everybody said you'd be the death of me.

But I said no. She's young. She's fun. She'll bring something new to my life.

I didn't know it would be the end.

Charlie, I... I promise you are going to survive this ride. You won't even

remember all the things you're saying, but I will.

There we go.

Uh -oh.

That's all part of the ride, right?

No.

But the thing that just fell off was.

Why are you all up in my teeth count?

I do have to go, though.

That dude's right over there. I'll wait outside.

You can wait on the moon before I go in a public restroom.

That sounds like you're afraid. I thought you said you didn't have any

That ain't no fear.

That is a healthy respect for something that can kill you.

call that my business stephanie says that's your fear talking stephanie says

you gotta kick fear right in the teeth stephanie says stephanie needs to shut

you need to confront your fear head on same way gabby my dad

did i told you i am not going in there in that case i'm going to have to make

you i'd like to see that little man

I can do it. You got nothing.

I'm small, but mighty.

Bring it on.

Rachel, Carla, little Tina, big Tina.

What are you doing?

Remembering the women that I dated that I could have married instead of you.

Really? Big Tina from the fish market?

Just breathe, Dad.

It's going to be okay. What the heck is that?

Caterpillar. I already named him Coaster Kong.

Oh, remember, you're not afraid of insects anymore.

Oh, please. She was never afraid of insects.

She's afraid of hair in her food.

You're not afraid of insects? I wasn't until all of your insect horror videos

started giving me nightmares.

On a wing and a prayer.

That reminds me.

Our father.

Who aren't much too close to us right now.

How awesome is this? Usually only get like a second and a half up here. We've

been up here 45 minutes.

Oh, shit. I'm setting someone up to help us. Oh, finally.

Nobody breathe or move until they can get up here.

I just realized something. That when my eyes water from too much altitude, it

looks a lot like I'm crying?

No. I just realized that I have an even bigger fear than swimming. That I'll try

to help my family and just scar them for life.

Well, that ship has sailed.

Well, at least I helped James.

Yes, you did, sir. And you rock. This has been awesome.

No need to panic, folks.

We'll have you down in no time.

Thank you. We've got two freaked out people up here.

Oh, you were right, Dave.

They're our kids.

Good thing you brought your happy gear to keep them calm.

I'll take the little boy first. I'm the Bobo.