Original subtitles

Why are you making a smoothie? We're all out of fruit. I rummaged around, found

a kiwi in the back of the fridge.

Something's off about that kiwi.

Who blew my fuzzy tangerine? I was growing mold for a science project.

That would be it.

Hey, kids. How was school?

Amazing. I sat at the cool kids' table. Did they catch you?

They invited me.

You weren't already cool?

I always thought you were cool, and I know cool.

No offense, Dad, but you're like the global warming of cool.

None taken.

Until now, I was at this table, I was kind of not anything, not nerds, not

jocks, not brains.

We used to call that the odds and ends table. At our school, that's where all

the lunapics sat.

Didn't save it, did I?

I assume you were at the cool table. Oh, honey, I wasn't at the cool table. I

ruled the cool table.

Hey, I married a girl who ruled the cool table. You know what that makes me.

Oh, lucky.

So, what turned you cool all of a sudden? I was throwing up my sandwich,

Hold up. You threw out the sandwich I made you?

Been there.

Did I say sandwich? I meant napkin. I always get so confused.

Anyway...

want to get up so i did a frisbee to the trash can totally missed but before i

could pick up the napkin mr flame stepped on it okay that's what this

about you got cool because some lunchroom teacher stepped on my lovingly

sandwich no i got cool because he flipped on it just as i kid you not the

lady walked by with a big old thing of split pea soup they went down like

everybody's here because come on

Well, are they all right? They're fine. Stay with the hero, Dad.

Frankie, the coolest kid at the cool table, goes like this.

And just like that, I'm cool.

That won't last.

They'll figure you out. Maybe. But until that happens, I'm going to ride the

cool train to Popularville.

First stop, Jealous Junction.

play with you right now noah's coming over tell him to turn around we're

yammy tammy town oh he even texted me a little ghost because i'm his boo hey

uh where do you think i would have sat in the lunchroom of your school um with

the super cool kids who love science and math that's what i'm talking about you

know those kids weren't actually cool yes i do

Why are you talking like a public service announcement?

Find out more. Log on to parentsstandingbehindyou .org.

Did Frankie get expelled or just suspended?

Neither. Nobody knows he did it. You know.

I know. I'm not telling.

James, what Frankie did to Mr. Swain was dangerous. You have to tell the

principal. Have you lost your mind, woman?

Ditches end up in ditches.

Charlie, are you hearing this?

Yeah, what I'm hearing is James didn't do it and nobody got hurt.

What? That's how we roll at the hospital.

Something gets left inside someone's zip.

I can't rat on Frankie. I'll be banished from the cool table. Since I dumped the

guys at the odds and ends table, I can't go back there.

Isn't it better to have a clean conscience than a place to set your

snatch on Frankie, I'll have a place all right.

Eating my lunch behind the dumpster with that kid, Mucus Lucas.

James, sit down. I'm going to tell you a story.

A story about a girl with regrets.

Back when I was in middle school, I had a classmate named Melissa.

She had a bit of an...

Equine quality.

She had a horse face.

It's like she escaped from the merry -go -round.

Anyway, when the yearbook came out, a friend of mine had replaced her picture

with one of an actual horse.

Did you tell him on it? No.

Covering seemed cool at the time, but when I think about poor Melissa, it

haunts me. I can't even watch the Kentucky Derby.

So what you're saying is...

You've been saddled with this for years.

Not the time, Charlie.

James, I can't let you live with that kind of guilt.

Meh.

No, I mean I am not going to let you. If you don't tell the school, I will. Then

let's see how cool you are when it gets out your mommy does your ratting for

you.

All right, fine.

I'll slip an anonymous note under the principal door.

You're doing the right thing, son.

When a crime goes unpunished.

Nobody wins.

Or places.

Or shows.

Hey, Kathy.

Look what I found.

Our favorite.

Want to play?

Noah's here.

It's more of a two -person game, but I guess he can show for the cards.

So, Justin, I'll look.

Oh, wait.

Sorry, Aaron. I just remembered Noah and I had to do that thing.

What thing?

That thing we have to do upstairs alone.

That upstairs alone thing.

That thing got moved to the kitchen.

With me in the doorway staring at it.

Hey, Dad, what would make a girl stop liking a guy?

Somebody having himself some girl troubles?

You can say that.

Well, it's important to be respectful.

Girls don't stay with guys that are a lot of fast talk and cheap thrills. Uh

-huh. Fast talk, cheap thrills.

Okay, that sounds weird coming back from a nine -year -old.

Let me try again.

You gotta be honest.

You gotta be more than smoke and mirrors.

No smoke, no mirrors.

Thanks, Dad. I figured out what to do.

Glad I could help, son.

Hey, pretty soon it'll be time to have that big talk about the birds and the

bees. Donated. I'm pretty good with animals.

It's men and women that confuse me.

There's my favorite couple.

Huh? You just saw us. Whoa.

Slow down, Mr. Fast Talker. Some of us speak on a normal pace.

Aaron, what's going on? What's going on is no one's thrilled so deep they're

practically two for one.

What are you talking about? I'm trying to get her to see through all your

mirrors. I mean, smoky mirrors.

Wanna get some time alone out back?

Okay, I'll wait for you outside.

But you're gonna have to ditch this guy.

Where's Frankie? Didn't you hear? He got suspended.

Some kid told the principal that Frankie was the one who locked Swain in the

bathroom. Some kid? Meaning you don't know who it was? Do you know who it was?

Because it could be anyone.

We don't know.

But when we ascertain who the perpetrator is, there's going to be

confrontation.

Gee, tone it down. We're the cool table, not the brainiac table.

Yeah, when we let you do our homework, you promised you'd act cool.

Right, right. When we find out who the rat is, we're going to sell that

chicken's lips together.

Wait, is it a rat or a chicken?

Are you inventing the snitch? No, I'm just trying to figure out what kind of

lips we'll be sewing.

We're offering $11 and six arcade tokens to whoever tells us the snitch's name.

Whomever.

What?

Does it bother anybody that we're asking someone to snitch on a snitch? Petey

raises an interesting ethical question.

What's your problem, Petey?

Nothing. I'm just saying. What are you saying? Are you the snitch?

No, I'm not the snitch. That's exactly what the snitch would say.

I think it's safe to infer that Petey is the snitch. I am not the snitch. If

it's not you, then who is it? James? What? No, did not.

Hey, James, isn't that your stepmom?

Stop being nosy, snitch. Yeah. Yeah.

You forgot your lunch. You didn't find it strange that I forgot it in the trash

can?

That's why I made you a new one that I bought at a deli. Try and tell me I

make a sandwich.

Thank you. And goodbye.

Is that the cool table? Which one's Frankie?

Frankie got suspended because someone made someone tell someone something.

And now the cool kids think that someone is this guy named Petey.

Oh, wow.

It's going to be terrible for Petey. You cannot let them keep thinking that.

Sure I can.

James, let me tell you a little story.

Don't you have two other stepkids you could torture?

Hey, thanks for getting all that fruit.

Sorry we're all out of yogurt.

We are?

Then what's in... You know what? I don't want to know. I'm already on my third

one.

Hey, James.

How'd it go with Petey? Howdy.

silent treatment. Name calling, threats, rude noises.

How is that the silent treatment?

Because I remain silent the whole time.

Who's Petey? The guy who got blamed for the snitching Steph made me do.

James, isn't there any way to get Petey off the hook?

The only way to get him off the hook is if I tell them it was me, but then

they'll take the hook and beat me with it.

Thank you, Stephanie. It's all your fault.

Now, if you want me, I'll be upstairs. Hopefully I can make it carrying the

weight of the world on my shoulders.

I know he's upset, but why is he taking it out on me?

Say something, Charlie.

Zip.

You better get back here and unzip.

Any chance that means what I'm hoping it means?

None.

Here's the thing.

You were a cool kid. Exactly. That's why I know what he's going through. No, you

have no idea what he's going through.

You were always a cool kid.

The rest of us went through school thinking the bottom could fall out at

minute. Really? Why would you think that?

Because of people like you.

You don't understand.

Kids want to be at the cool table so badly they'll do anything to get there.

even more to stay there.

That's silly. If you don't like what's happening at the cool table, you just

up and leave. And then you start a new cool table. I started four of them.

Pick up a game of Yummy Tummy Down.

Okay, why not?

Great.

Oh,

hang on.

Come on!

Noah? Hey, I got this text from you.

Noah, don't ever come over again.

I am breaking up with you because I'm in love with President Barack Obama.

He is my boyfriend now. Oh, well.

Sorry, crispy shrimp emoticon.

Crispy shrimp emoticon?

You know, because your relationship is right.

That's what I wouldn't mean if I had sent that.

Seriously, Aaron, the president?

I went big.

Aaron, what is going on with you?

Go easy, Gabby. I think Aaron's just being protective of his sister.

It's all good, little man.

Your boyfriend's trying to punch me very slowly.

You should break up with him.

Aaron, since you used to be my favorite brother, I'll give you five minutes to

collect as many toys as you can hold before the rest of them go in the

fireplace.

Gabby, it's not that big a deal.

Us breaking up is not a big deal to you? But we're not, so just calm down.

Calm down?

Don't tell me to calm down. I'm just saying what Aaron did is a little funny.

Oh, this is funny to you?

Oh, this is a big joke. Oh, well, I guess I'll just boo -boo the fool.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Noah. Noah who? That's what I'll be saying at

tomorrow.

I can't believe him. Who needs a boyfriend when you've got Yummy Dirty

I'm too upset to play now, Aaron.

I did not see that coming.

Okay, if I sit here?

Yeah.

Phillips, what are you doing?

Yeah, we don't consort with snitches. Consort do.

Yo, snitch, tell I anybody lately?

Way to go, man.

How you holding up?

I'm okay. My mom said the real snitch will start feeling guilty and confess.

My stepmom says a lot of things. She doesn't know anything about either.

Want my pudding?

Thanks. At least I can do. Not that I'm required to do anything.

don't eat pudding.

They wear it.

Oh, way to go, man.

All right, you guys just stop it. You don't even know if Petey was snitched.

even if he was, maybe he had a good reason.

Maybe he has an annoying family member who wouldn't shut up about him doing the

right thing. Shouldn't we all just stop and think about that?

I hear you, but barely.

I still got butterscotch in my ears.

Hey, thanks for having my back today.

Men who wear pudding together stick together.

Literally.

Dad, Steph, this is my best bud, Petey. Oh, Petey. You guys are friends.

Yeah, we've been through some stuff.

And James, he was really there for me.

Well, how do you like that Mr. Bottom will fall out if James comes clean? He's

fine. Nobody cares that he was the one that told on Frankie.

Uh -oh.

What?

You're the snitch, and you let me take the blame?

In my defense, what happened to you was terrible, and I did not want to

experience that.

Well, get ready for lots of it.

Petey, man, we're brothers in pudding.

Later, snitch.

on trees.

Well, they do, but it's still wasteful.

Hey, Gabby.

I got nobody.

You got nobody.

I'm thinking, let me turn it down.

I'll let you go first.

Not in the mood.

Man, what is it gonna take?

Why are you so obsessed with this game?

Because you don't play with me anymore.

You don't do...

Anything with me anymore.

You're always with Noah.

What about last week when we went to the park?

You canceled to hang out with Noah.

Oh, that's right. We went to the park.

Okay, I was wrong for that.

How about I make it up to you?

Yummy tummy town right now.

I'm the boo tummy.

Okay, so how do we play?

We spin to go down this path, and if you land on a star, you get a yummy card.

You don't remember?

Nope, not at all. I've never played this game before.

We used to play this all the time.

I've never seen this game before in my life. Come on. We used to play this

Saturday night until I'd fall asleep.

By the time I woke up, you'd be gone because... You were Janice the

Oh, okay, my bad.

Really, Aaron?

Now I remember.

You and I used to play checkers.

Want to play checkers?

Sure.

Are you kidding me?

Are you double kidding me?

Hey, sorry about yesterday.

Me too.

The whole thing was ridiculous.

I know.

I know?

What do you know? That you were ridiculous or I was ridiculous?

Whichever one works.

Apology accepted.

Thank you.

So, you want to go see a movie?

Yeah.

Hey, Aaron.

You want to come with?

Eh, I don't know. Shut up.

Hey, snitch.

Nice one.

Oh, no, you don't.

This is a perfectly good ham and jelly.

Are you serious?

Please don't tell me you came here to check on me.

What? No.

I thought I'd drop by school to brush up on my math. I had to divide 600 by 18,

and I was like, what?

Stay in school, everybody.

Stephanie, what are you doing here?

Okay, I felt bad.

Didn't want you to have lunch by now.

And having lunch with my stepmom will help me how?

You wanted to sit at the pool table, so I'm bringing the pool to you.

And some scrunchie.

I do love string cheese.

Uh -oh, cool girl. Ten o 'clock. Don't look them directly in the eye. I hear

turn to stone.

I'd die for those earrings.

But my mom's like, oh, no.

Mom, right?

Please stop, please stop, please stop.

And I love that top.

Can we sit with you?

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

I mean, if you want.

Whatevs.

had it from here.

String cheese, milady?

Charlie, you should have seen me with the girls today. They all wanted to be

just like old times.

Can you make me a snack?

That's not a sandwich.

Oh, sweetie, not now. I'm talking to your dad.

Okay.

I'll get it.

I know what to do.

Charlie, they're the coolest girls in the lunchroom, and I think I'm their

leader now.

You do realize that you're old enough to be their... Their what, Charlie?

Um, their really hip and cool aunt?

Exactly. That's why I'm taking them to the mall tomorrow.

Oh. Oh, uh... Hmm, apparently you're dumping me for

President Barack Obama?

Wow, I am having a good day. Wait till the girls in the lunchroom hear about

this!