Original subtitles

Oh, my phone.

Oh, I missed you. Did you miss me? Who do I love more than anyone else in the

world?

Hello.

Boyfriend in the doorway.

Stepmom on the couch.

Who am I kidding? I'm not even in the top three.

Hey, Steph, my history teacher is making us live like medieval peasants all day.

No technology, no modern conveniences. Can you sign this form saying that I

haven't used any electronics at home?

I'm on your phone right now, just shooting you a reminder text.

I knew you couldn't do it.

What does that mean?

It means you're the girl who comes home from school, does a wardrobe change, and

watches three episodes of Beverly Hills Hair.

Then you text Molly about Beverly Hills Hair until it's time to Skype with Molly

about Beverly Hills Hair.

Why are you coming after Beverly Hills Hair? It's people trying to get along in

a hair shop, which is not easy.

I'm just saying, Gabby likes her stuff.

What?

I'm materialistic? I'm sorry, were you saying something?

I was distracted by all those bracelets you're wearing.

I am so not materialistic, and I'll prove it. I'll go without modern

all night.

All week, in fact.

Oh, yeah, I'd like to see that. Well, you're about to see that. You're about

watch me go medieval on your butt.

Oh, good for you, Gabby. In fact, let's go buy you some new leather boots. Get

you into character.

Nay, good woman.

I am but a peasant.

I fashion my simple footwear out of skins and rags.

But when this is over, I shall accept those boots and that motorcycle jacket

which I have been emailing you.

Stephanie, got a minute? We need to have a little talk. Sure.

Great. I want to make this easy for you, so I wrote down your part, and Aaron is

going to do it instead.

Yes, holding up my end of a conversation is pretty exhausting, so thank you,

Aaron. No problem. I got you back.

Stephanie and or Dad.

This weekend is the WizardCraft Pro Tournament Semifinals.

WizardCraft Pro Tournament? I never heard of such a thing.

It's the championship of my favorite video game and my favorite pro team, The

Clash, is in the semifinals. Pro video game team?

I'm an adult. I don't understand what that is.

Allow me to explain.

Professional video gamers, the best players in the world, will be competing

tournament here this weekend.

Right here in Philadelphia?

What are the odds?

I know.

And since pro gaming is what I plan to do for a living, I want to go see it.

Think of it as a career day. All I need is a parent and or step -parent to take

me there.

But aren't the tickets very expressive?

Expensive.

But, no, I'll pay for it with money I have saved up from doing chores.

Scams. Thank you.

Gosh, I think you have answers. all my questions.

All right, Jean. I'll take you. What do you mean, no? Why do you hate me?

Dude, she said yes.

Oh, here it is.

Thank you. You are a wonderful father and or addition to the family.

that this child is eating weeds with her hands.

We do not. She's trying to prove a point to Noah. We've had two days of foraging

and not showering.

I am but a simple medieval peasant, and I am afraid of your magic rain machine.

Hey, Dad. Hey, Grandma Maggie. Hey, Peasant Gabby.

What ails you, boy?

You know how I'm like the LeBron James of cakeball?

It never came up, but continue.

A new giant kid in my class named Darren Mockler.

He just transferred from, I'm guessing, the Army.

Now everyone wants him to be on their team.

Oh, well, maybe you can be the LeBron James of dodgeball?

Nope. Darren Mockler can knock out six kids in one shot.

They change the name of the game from Dodgeball to Bronner comes Darren

He is the best at everything. He is not the world's best grandson.

T -shirt that says so.

I need a popsicle.

Hey, guys. We're back.

Best day ever.

How was my tournament?

Oh, that's still going on.

And on it, and on it, and on it.

You should have been there, Dad. I got discovered. They want me to... be a

professional video game player. I thought you were there just to watch.

You know how at basketball games they bring down fans for shooting contests?

James got called down to play Wizardcraft. He was incredible.

Everybody was cheering.

So I got like a 30 life base and then I used a water storm and these fist rolls

attack so I freezed them up with like a free fist spell.

And I got this.

Zachary Fumigant, manager.

He runs my favorite team, The Clash.

He wants to talk to us about James going pro.

Oh!

No!

Charlie, this guy thinks James has real talent.

Real talent at a fake thing.

Being a professional video game player is like being a professional... Football

player, baseball, tennis. Stop me when I overprove my point.

This is just a bunch of kids trying to justify playing video games all day. No,

I was there. It's legit.

There were teams and commentators and sponsors. It was amazing.

It must be generational.

You must be generational. I want to play video games.

True. Video games might not be our thing, but they are James' thing, and

thing should be supporting his thing.

Can somebody please reason with that peasant child in there?

She's talking about stoning me for wearing pants.

James, there's my golden ticket.

Doc. Doctor and Mrs. Phillips, it is great to meet you. I'm Zach Fumigant.

You're the manager?

Be cool, Dad. It's okay. I've heard it all before.

Hey, kid, whose office is this? Hey, kid, how can you afford a $20 ,000

This is all very hip and snazzy, but what exactly do you do here?

My dad doesn't think pro gaming is real.

So you must be the cool parent.

Guilty.

But we do have some concerns.

Which part concerns you more, the all -expense -paid global travel or the

earnings that he's going to put into his college fund?

See, Dad, college. That wasn't even on my radar, but now it's a definite maybe.

How will this affect his daily routine?

He'll go to school, he'll practice a bit, go play in a few tournaments,

a few products, but, I mean, for the most part, he's just going to be a

kid. Please, Dad?

Well, this seems kind of real.

Remember, our thing is supporting their thing.

Sure. We can give it a shot.

I can do it?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Great. I will email a contract to your lawyer, and when you're ready to sign

you just scroll down to the bottom and click accept.

I can sign a whole contract with just one click? I feel so old -fashioned.

That makes you feel old -fashioned?

You have a flip phone.

You really want to go there right now? I do not.

James, do you know the capital of Arkansas?

Nope, but I do know the capital of I've got the best job on the planet.

It's right here on this sofa.

I wish I was on the sofa.

This is a whole new world for me, Aaron. Today at school, two girls usually walk

by me and giggle.

Did not giggle.

Give me some of that veggie jerky I'm endorsing.

Bet you hated that stuff.

Yeah, but veg out is a major sponsor.

That's how they have to learn to like it.

Want to fight the gag reflex?

Goes down pretty smooth.

You know who has no gag reflex?

That new kid in my class, Darren Mogler. He can eat a whole sandwich without

chewing.

Peanut butter!

All I'm saying is... is I waited at the library for an hour.

You could have just texted me if you were going to be late.

I sent forth an owl.

Did it not find you?

All right. I think you're going a little overboard here. Can Gabby teleport back

to the present? What is the time travel you speak of?

Have you come down with a black death? Your mind is all a fever.

If you weren't so cute, I'd break up with you right now.

All right, Charlie. I have a meeting with a client. I'll be back for dinner.

Well, you have to take me to my sponsor event. That's today.

Charlie, can you take him? Nope, I've got rounds.

Can you switch with someone? I had to take him to that game signing yesterday.

Well, I had to drive him to three practices this week. Yeah, well, I had

thumb wrestle him for an hour to build up his dexterity. I went from French

to no tips.

Sorry, babe.

Remember, their thing is our thing. Well, right now, that's your thing.

Sit up straight, buddy. Winners don't slouch.

You're a lean, mean... troll -killing machine.

Are you crying?

There's no crying in video games.

No, I'm fighting under the light.

Well, either way, wipe your face because you're shining.

Okay, just a couple more and we are done.

With this part.

Now go ahead and change for promos.

Zach, you said a few quick pictures. You guys have been shooting for five hours.

What did you need all that other stuff for?

The fans love behind -the -scenes content.

It makes the players seem like real people.

James is real people. Real people need sleep. The boy's exhausted.

Zach, this is too much. You promised us he would stay a normal kid.

Hello? I can't see any security's computer glasses.

Let me know if I'm about to bump into anything.

You better not bump into anything. Those glasses are a highly complex internet

-connected machine.

It's like having two computer screens right in front of your eyes.

These stupid glasses won't stop checking email in front of my face.

Oh, I got some more spam from Grandma Maggie.

The subject line is kitten in a watering can.

Okay,

this one's adorable.

Zach, how is he supposed to walk when he can't see the person in front of him?

He can if he feeds your face through the recognition software.

I tried. It's not working.

It thinks Dad's someone named Blair Underwood.

Ooh, dare to dream.

Honey, maybe we should rethink this whole pro -gaming business.

I know, Charlie, but we can't take this away from James. He's loving every

minute of it. I hate this. I want to quit.

You want to quit?

Are you sure? I thought this was your dream. My dream was playing video games

and not having to work.

This is work.

These people are ruining fun.

Okay, James, go upstairs and change out of those ridiculous clothes. You look

like a robot jockey.

No. I'm going to put these glasses back on here and get back and do some promos.

If James doesn't want to do this, he doesn't have to do this. Yes, he does.

You guys clicked accept on a contract which is binding.

So, why don't you buck up and let's start taping some promos.

Okay, so hold the product.

Read the copy.

Hi, I'm pro video gamer James Phillips, and I love George Washington's Wild

Wings, a revolutionary taste in chicken parts.

So tender, you can eat them with wooden teeth.

Hey, hold it up, buddy. Can't talk. That says I'm contractually obligated to

play four more hours.

I'm here with you all the way.

Until my bedtime.

20 minutes.

I'm starving, too.

You want some more veggie jerky? No, I can't eat any more of that.

I'd kill for something sweet.

Oh, man, you know who makes the best brownie? That new kid, Darren Mockler.

Oh, is he talking about that Darren Mockler kid again?

You'd be talking about him, too, if you'd seen his series of watercolors.

You got my swag.

That depends. Did you take care of my chores?

Did the dishes? Took out the trash.

What about the report?

Five pages on Switzerland.

Ought to be about a B+. What am I, the guy that just covered Switzerland?

Knock it down to a C.

That ought to do it.

Now where's my swag bag?

And there better be some Washington Wing gift cards in it.

And then ladies' night on Thursday, and I'm sick of footing the bill. Check

comes, and all of a sudden, folks can't remember what they ordered.

Now I wake up to science fair coming up. You know how to make a volcano?

You know how to endorse a red convertible?

I don't want to endorse anything, but Dad's lawyer says my contract is

unbreakable. Oh, that's tough, man.

You want to play a little zombie frog instead?

Take your mind off of it? I got 15 more minutes.

No, I can't.

Zach says most thumb injuries occur when you're playing for fun.

You mean he won't even let you play for fun?

Who does that to a 12 -year -old kid?

You want me to twist this guy's arm by which I may rip it off and break his

knees with it?

Let's call that plan B.

In the meantime, I'll come up with plan A.

I could convince that to let you out of your contract.

Darren Mockler?

No.

Okay, yeah.

He's just so charming.

I know they didn't have cars in medieval times, but do we really have to walk

all the way to the mall? Which, I should point out, they also didn't have.

It is but a large village market, and I yearn to pay homage to the Queen of

Derry.

I gotta get something for my headache.

Oh, gotcha.

You can't. They didn't have pills back then.

I know.

That's why I'm using the leeches.

Nothing like a little blood letting to cure all that ails me.

Leeches?

Are you kidding me, Gabby? Hey, when I face a challenge, I meet it. And when

say it, I can't do it, I go get me some leeches.

No, no, no, stop, stop.

You are a proud, confident woman. I hear you roar.

And? And you can do anything.

And?

And I was wrong.

You're not a slave to materialism.

That's all I needed to hear. Good.

No, stop!

Gummy worms.

I'm 15 in Philadelphia. Where am I going to get leaders? Come here.

Come on. Black cherry. It's good.

This will be beautiful.

I'll use your phone to record Zach threatening to exploit kids for

gain. Then we tell him we'll go public unless he lets James out of his

Really, Charlie?

Extortion? That's your idea?

It's not extortion. It's blackmail. And it's my idea.

Really, Charlie? We're listening to James' idea?

I'm sure done listening to you, Miss Their Thing, Our Thing.

Zach's here. Everybody be cool.

All right, for this to work, someone's got to let him in.

I am so glad you guys called.

So now let's talk about getting Jimbo's head back in the game.

Jimbo prefers to be called James.

We just landed a James who seems a little more James -y.

So we're calling you Jimbo.

Actually, Zach, we called you here to tell you that our 12 -year -old son,

James, will not be working for you anymore, no matter what you threaten us

But hypothetically, what would some of those threats be?

To you for everything you have?

Starting with this house. I kind of like this house.

Okay. Say we give in. How many hours a day will our poor son, James, have to

work? It's not work. No, no, no. Tell it to Charlie.

And enunciate.

It's not work.

It's fun.

And it's contractually obligated to have 35 hours of fun a week.

But I have school.

What kind of organization would take me away from something I love so dear?

Well, that is why it's 35 hours.

Once school's out, we'll bump you right up to 60.

Well, that sounds illegal.

Oh, it's downright criminal.

As is this.

By the way, you never even hit record. You just took a selfie of your pocket.

I hate technology.

So, do I still have a last name, or is Jimbo like Beyonce?

Guys, this is Darren Moffler. Whoa, he is tall.

I know.

I beat everyone at everything.

Can't help it.

I was just teaching Darren Wizardcraft. He defeated the golden dragon on his

first try, and he was a pick.

You did that as a pixie your first time playing?

Have you ever thought about going pro?

I guess you should talk to my manager.

That's me.

Seriously, how are you a manager?

How are you a manager?

My dad invented Wizardcraft.

Oh.

If you want Darren Monk, you're going to need to make a trade for him. A trade?

Yeah, I want all the ice cream I can carry. Darren Monk.

Oh, right, and I'm on dicks.

Let's go talk to your parents.

Kids got thumbs like tree trunks.

Bro, you saved me. I thought I was going to be forced to play video games for

the rest of my life. How horrible would that be?

You want to play zombie frogs?

Uh, yeah.

Glad we got out of that mess.

You know, Charlie, this was really your fault.

My fault? For supporting my thing about supporting their thing.

You know, if you weren't so cute, I'd break up with you right now.

I know you don't believe Darren Malka can be better than everybody at

everything, but just taste this brownie he made. That way you can see for

yourself what's your mouth.

It's not my best batch.

You didn't have any truffle oil in the pan.

Little boy, I have had a brownie in every state

of the Union and Puerto Rico. So, don't think that

you are going to impress me with some...