All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e07 Dances With She-Wolves

Hey, babe. Pop dead.

Looking good, Dr. Philip.

You know, exercise is important.

Especially for an old dude.

Okay, why is your phone insulting me?

Don't tell me there's an app for that.

It's not the phone. It's my friend,
Molly.

But, yes, there is an app for that.

Molly's parents dragged her to Africa on
a safari.

So I can be bored six time zones ahead
of you.

Abby, she's halfway around the world.

You shouldn't be interrupting her
exciting family vacation with... Video

free. Carry on.

Hey, hey, sport.

Did we win?

No, we got a buzz cake.

We look like little kids out there.

I'm sorry, buddy. It's okay. I found a
snail.

Those soccer moms like your homemade...
What were they again?

Cranberry raisin squares.

And no, the moms barely touched them.
They were too busy booing me.

Those squares were a bit on the sturdy
side, but not boo -worthy.

I mean, yay, more for us.

They booed her because you cheered for
the other team and did her happy dance.

What's cheering for Aaron?

How was I supposed to know he was
kicking his ball in his own team's goal?

The other soccer moms are all over there
in their little circle with their cool

minivans and sweatpants.

I just want to be that without turning
into that.

One day those moms will include you.

They'll see how special you are, just
like I do.

Oh, you know I love it when you're all
sensitive and sweaty.

Still in the room.

just saw two rhinos doing.

Uh -oh.

You're not updating my style again.

I'm still trying to explain my skinny
jeans to the guys at work.

You looked hot.

Yeah, I pulled a muscle peeling those
bad boys off.

I'm putting together a binder of ideas.
I got an email from James Gould inviting

moms to join the dance planning
committee.

You know what I love about you?

You never give up. You keep trying no
matter what.

Why are they having a dance in sixth
grade? I wasn't even looking at girls

I was that age. Are you kidding?

By sixth grade, I had an ex -boyfriend
and got an alimony payment of a candy

every Tuesday.

And I didn't play when it was late.

Do we know it?

Dad, get with it. I'm totally into
girls.

Too bad girls aren't into you.

If girls aren't into me, why do I have
three hotties on speed dial waiting for

me to ask them to the dance?

Four,

if you conquer my Maggie.

Do not help me.

Okay, now. Four times six is?

24. So four times seven must be?

More.

What if I gave you 24 marshmallows and I
gave James 24 marshmallows plus four

more? Then he'd have?

28, and that's not fair.

Oh.

Sometimes you gotta play the marshmallow
card.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hey, Maggie. What's going on?

A date with a very handsome college
professor.

So you know I need to be home getting
myself tight and right.

Well, Stephanie called, talking all
crazy about...

and from the ashes, representing for the
stepmoms.

Has she been day drinking without me?

She joined a dance planning committee to
make some mom friends.

First meeting's tomorrow.

Oh, she gets so worked up meeting new
people.

The night before kindergarten, had to
change her sheets twice.

She may be grown now, but I wouldn't
give her a lot of liquids before bed.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Hey.

Hey.

You're grounded.

Why, what do you know?

You know what I know.

Now tell me what I know you know I know.

There's something I know you don't know.

That I know.

I don't have any hotties on speed dial.

Now I know.

Look, son, you're 11.

There's no need to rush things.

But I really want to go to the dance
with Dana Tobin. Two rows over, three

chairs down. Smells like chocolate milk,
but in a good way.

There's a bad way?

Oh, yeah.

Can you help a brother out?

Well, the line... that always worked for
me was, hi, I'm a doctor.

I think I can sell that.

But I need to borrow your stethoscope.

How about this?

Dana, I think you're a really neat girl,
and I'd like to take you to the dance.

Wow. I know.

Clear, honest, and smooth as butter,
baby.

No, wow, with a rap like that, I don't
know how you ever landed a babe like

Stephanie.

Hey, don't call your stepmother a babe.

And thank you.

Wow, that is some hike from the parking
lot.

And in heels? It ain't no joke.

Am I right?

Hi, I'm Stephanie, James Phillips'
stepmom. We'd heard Charlie got

And here you are.

What a treat.

Oh, for me, too. I've been looking for
the right group of moms to bond with. I

tried the soccer moms, and they are
cuckoo for cray -cray.

My wife is a soccer mom.

Lori Toms?

Love Lori Toms.

I'm Lynn Lawson, committee chair, and
this is the rest of our merry troupe.

You just met Steve.

This is Veronica and our quiet one,
Helen.

Hi.

Why don't we all sit down?

Oh, there's a stool in the corner.

I loved you guys as soon as I read the
email. Come one, come all to plan the

sixth grade fall. I saw the Palatino
font and thought, these are some

sophisticated ladies.

We didn't even know that email was going
out.

I mean, the four of us have been the
event planner since our kids were in

kindergarten.

It'll be nice to hear some new ideas.
Then let's get this planning party

started.

So what do we want our dance theme to
be?

Well, I have some amazing ideas. How
about under the Caribbean Sea?

We could have steel drums and cupcakes
with little beach umbrellas on them.

We could do better.

What about an Alice in Wonderland theme?

Could be a hoot. Oh, love a good hoot.
In fact, I found a punch called

Mad Hatter.

A weight that has tequila.

Or how about an under -the -sea theme?

Wait, didn't I... I love that!

Me too.

Now, let's talk about food.

Did I mention I'm a food blogger?
Because I wrote this whole post about

right dessert can alter the dynamic of
an event. It's pretty...

Whoopsie.

No worries.

It's not like you meant to do it.

So, moving on to the intermingling
issue. Since the boys and girls stay on

opposite sides of the gym, I think we
should consider...

Separate refreshment area.

I actually have some ideas about how to
get the kids to mingle.

Stephanie, you've been playing a mom
for, what, six months?

Why don't you just try observing for a
year or two?

Or maybe until you have your own kids.

I see.

I get it.

It's pretty stank, but I get it.

How about I...

Take my hot, fresh ideas and my fly
heels and find a better group of moms.

Whatever.

They're still fly.

Six times eight is... 48?

Will this ever end?

Rough day? Don't get me started.

Super secret secret?

Hit me.

I quit the dance committee.

You can quisk up? Bye times eight.

Hey, babe.

How'd it go?

Your new mom friends coming by for game
night?

I wouldn't break out the poker chips
just yet.

Those moms are so... Stephanie, you're
home. I've been waiting to show you my

outfit for the dance. Be totally honest.

What do you think?

rock some cool socks, but other than
that, I love it.

Thanks, Stephanie. I told my friends
this dance is gonna be dope because my

stepmom is working on it, and she's
dope.

He's right, you know.

You are the dopiest.

It's like I said before.

You never give up.

I guess we're not quitting.

What do you mean, we?

Guess who's back.

Same binder, new attitude, plus flat
shoes and a box of tasty donuts.

There's only a few with sprinkles, so no
pushing.

No, thank you. We've given up carbs.

Drop it, Helen.

We thought you quit.

I did.

But then I realized that I had made this
all about me.

When really, it's all about the kids.

And maybe yesterday I was a bit
standoffish, but I'm really a big suss.

Drop it, Helen.

So, have you guys talked about
decorations yet? Because I... All

done, but I think we've got something
perfect for you.

Parking lot monitor.

Usually Helen is the parking lot
monitor, but she got hit last time.

See you outside the dance.

Oh, you'll see me all right.

And it's not just because I'm
reflective.

Hi, hi.

I smell chili con carne straight from
the can.

And that can only mean one thing.

Somebody's upset my baby. What?

The dance moms gave me parking duty.

I wouldn't even be necessary if they had
speed bumps.

It's like when you were in junior high
school and those popular girls wouldn't

let you in their social group, so you
started your own little sad club with

those slow kids.

They weren't slow. They were exchange
students.

I've always regretted that you never let
me give those snobby girls a piece of

my mind.

Mama could have handled it and gotten
you in that club. That's exactly why I

didn't want you to. You're handling it
always involves tears and a restraining

order.

To get results, sometimes you gotta take
your earrings off.

Let me help you now. I can just have a
little talk with those ladies.

I can handle this myself.

I'm an adult.

I hear you.

Milk and cookies?

Yes, please.

Hey, Gabby.

Hey, Gabby.

Oh, cool. You're awake.

Has Molly been there this whole time?

Long enough to know you're dealing with
mean girls.

For real?

It's not like that at all. It's just a
few clicky, difficult, mean mom girls.

You know the secret to dealing with mean
girls?

Don't let them stop you from doing you.
You have to stand up for yourself.

Yeah, it's like what I saw on the
Serengeti yesterday.

This group of mean... lionesses
confronted this weak little gazelle, and

brave gazelle held her ground.

And the lions backed down?

Oh no, they ate her.

But for like eight seconds, she was
badass.

Ah, there.

Someone's gonna look sharp for the
dance.

You excited?

Well, I'm a little nervous.

See, I, um, well, you know, Never
actually done it with Dana.

What?

You know, talk to her.

Oh, oh.

But you had to talk to her when you
asked her to the dance, right?

I texted her, duh.

I don't know what to say to girls.

You talk to Gabby all the time.

Dad, this is a girl I care about.

You know, I was pretty nervous the first
time I talked to Stephanie.

With your rap, who wouldn't be?

You don't need a rap.

I was just myself.

Sure, I was nervous because I liked her
so much.

But she thought it was cute.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

Wait a minute.

You don't need this.

Can I keep the scalpel?

How's it going with Dana?

They just waved. I think it was at me.

Well, keep the faith.

The night is young.

Thanks, Steph.

Wait, what does that mean?

Ladies. Oh, I guess it's true what they
say.

Day glow orange does go with everything.

Nice dance.

It's too bad the boys and girls aren't
within ten feet of each other. Like we

told you, the boys and girls never
intermingle.

Until now.

if you've heard this.

The right dessert can alter the dynamic
of an event.

Hey, Dana. Hi, James. Cool socks.

Yeah, they match.

I made sure.

I liked your text. Nice smiley face.

I was trying to wink, but my hands are
shaking.

You're nervous.

It's cute.

Well, there's more where that came from.
My palms are adorable.

Kids seem to be intermingling now.

Stephanie, no one's ever been able to do
that at a sixth grade dance. Is that

honking outside?

Shouldn't someone be keeping the
driveway clear?

Put a sock in it, Lynn.

Since when do you speak?

Since you became a total you -know
-what.

Stephanie's Mountain made this dance.

Moms are supposed to support each other,
and when you moved here, we gave you a

chance. You and your two demon kids.

in these heels.

That's why we've been off carbs for a
year. To get into heels and get our sexy

back.

I'm going to talk to Lori tonight.
You're right. Those soccer moms are way

intense. Excuse me, the parking lot. You
should join our Facebook group so you

can be in the loop. Oh, loop me in,
girl.

Ah, Mr. DJ, turn that racket off.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Are these the ones you told me about?

Yes, but, Mom, it's all good. Honey,
please, let me do this for you. I've

waiting for a second chance since you
were 13.

My daughter told me about your little
group, and I don't know who you think

are, but let me tell you who my daughter
is.

Stephanie is smart, funny, and she's got
a binder full of ideas that will blow

that tired little chocolate fountain out
of the water. The fountain was mine.

And it's fabulous.

If you want more like that, you need to
listen to her.

And yes, she is younger, prettier, and
definitely less droopy than any of

you jealous heifers.

But that's no reason to leave her out.

So there.

Mommy handled it.

And now I've got to go. I had to double
park, because that driveway is a hot

mess.

It's just so much better than chili.

You should feel great.

Because of you, the dance was a hit, and
James and Dana finally did it.

What?

Talk to each other.

I'm proud of you, babe.

You didn't let a few minivan meanies
stop you from doing your thing.

Oh, honey, nothing can stop me from
doing my thing.

What do you say we take your thang and
grab this thang and go upstairs and do

our thang?

Wow, James was right.

Your rap is weak.

Good night, Molly.