All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e05 Not a Date

Still looking for those arrows?

Yeah, this is no good without arrows.

How about I take that useless ball off
your hands and say this?

Super duper, really amazeballs,
elasticizer.

Dude, it's just a rubber band.

Your toy penguin doesn't live in the
freezer. I know it's confusing, but

me.

Did I miss the parade?

I'm playing with my new toy. That's not
a toy.

It's an eye -putter -outer. Oh, come on.
You know what a vacuum cleaner is.

I wonder where those arrows could be.

Maybe under my pillow?

Look at that.

What do you know?

And so it begins.

What do you want?

Why do I have to want something to spend
a little quality time with my dad?

You know we've met before, right?

I just love you.

And I love this country.

Think about all the brave Americans who
stood up and changed the rules of our

society. Lincoln, Martin Luther King,
Kanye.

That's true.

Where would we be without freedom and
equality and cursing about it?

That brings me to something else that
needs to be changed in the name of

freedom. Here we go. You really don't
think I'm old enough to date? I don't.

Weren't you busy in the kitchen with
Stephanie?

I was.

But she thought I was all up in her
meatloaf, so I decided to come in here

get all up in your business.

Catch me up.

Gabby thinks I'm trampling her civil
liberties because I won't let her date

until she's 16.

16? Puh. Believe.

I wouldn't let Stephanie date until she
was... I don't think I ever gave her

permission to date.

How'd you slip by me?

I'm just saying, in some countries,
girls my age are already married with a

bunch of kids.

Well, then, go live there.

Don't let on you can read.

Does this look like meatloaf?

It looks like I'm having a peanut butter
sandwich for dinner.

Again.

Make me one, too, just in case I can't
save this with hot sauce.

Again.

What's up?

Dad's being completely lame about
letting me date.

Aw, don't be too hard on him. You're his
little girl, and it's gonna take him

some time getting used to the idea of
you growing up. But there's this guy,

Owen, who liked me.

Has he met you?

Hey, one more smart mark, and you'll
find this meatloaf in your lunchbox

tomorrow. Calm down. Don't do anything
we'll all regret.

Everybody's cool.

Oh, who's this Owen guy?

He's a musician. Not a chance. He plays
the clarinet. I'm listening. We met on

the math team. And we're good.

Look, I agree you're too young to date
-date.

But maybe there's a middle ground.

I'll talk to your dad.

Really? Thank you.

Remind him I'm on the honor roll, I go
to church, and I'm mature. I can walk in

heels better than any girl in my class.
And almost as good as that janitor who

got fired.

You know, I'll just come up with
something on my own.

I'm thinking I could be like a bridge
between you and your dad. You know,

connecting the young and the old.

Not the old.

The still young.

Never say I called him the old.

Thank you, Stephanie.

Aw, you're welcome.

You're lucky. I wish I would have had
someone be a bridge for me.

Oh, man, I heard you could date ever.

Yeah, I know. It was crazy.

Sounds crazy.

How'd you do?

I can't believe I had to do this, but
when I was 16, I was so over my mom's

rule, I started signing up for charity
work with boys I liked.

What? Mm -hmm. My first orphan and I
volunteered at the animal rescue.

We walked needy pooches for quality
smooches.

I still smile a little every time I hear
the word fetch.

$10.

For what?

My silence.

I heard the same charity scam you did,
and I know what you're going to do. I'm

not going to do anything.

Stephanie's building me a bridge. And
get Dad to let you date?

Please, you flirted with the pizza guy
one time, and now we have to eat

Stephanie's food.

Man, I don't have $10 to give to you.

Fortunately, I can offer you a job that
pays $10.

What kind of job?

It's easy. A moment will come. I won't
say where. I won't say when.

But something will be asked of you and
your answer will be, heck yeah.

Do we have a deal?

Heck yes.

Just so we're clear, that wasn't it.

Where did you find my arrows?

Correction, my arrows.

And you must be sleepwalking or
something because you left them under my

I lose the best stuff under there.

Can I get some back?

Maybe, but this bow and arrow is my
favorite thing now, so you're going to

to give me something that's your
favorite.

My feet?

That's just weird.

I want the turtle.

Leonardo, I can't sleep without him.

Then I guess you can't have this
amazeballs bow and arrow back.

I don't know, that last day didn't go
well.

You're too old to be sleeping with a
stuffed ninja turtle anyway.

No, I'm not.

Then why don't you ask Gabby? Hey,
Gabby!

Gabby, am I too old to sleep with
Leonardo?

Heck yes.

Hey, babe.

There's something I want to talk to you
about.

Are you doing anything?

No. I gave up on watching The Fixers and
turned on Jaws.

At least the shark can jump.

What's up?

Well, I was talking to Gabby and thought
maybe we could chat about the no dating

until 16 rule.

Well, if you want to chat about how you
agree with me, I'm all ears.

I do agree with you.

Right up to the point where I don't.

And it's in between those two points
that I'd like to build a bridge.

You're talking about changing my rule.
That's a bridge to nowhere.

Honey, could we just tweak it?

I mean, there are ways to give Gabby a
little freedom without sacrificing your

peace of mind.

You mean like putting a chip in her?

Or we could let her take baby steps into
the whole dating thing. Say, starting

with a group date.

Or we could go with my original plan
where we don't do any of that.

Gabby's a good girl with good judgment.

Name me one girl her age as responsible
as she is.

Okay.

With a minimum of 12 kids. 3 to 2 girl
-boy ratio, home by 8.

Minimum of 6, 1 to 1, home by 10.

9. 30.

Sold. Yes!

I'm a bridge!

I guess I shouldn't worry so much. We're
doing a good job with Gabby. Yeah,

she's a great girl.

Did you know that even as we speak,
she's volunteering at a nursing home?

She's what -ing at a what -what?

gonna organize your spices.

Then I saw that you had no spices, so I
bought you some spices, and here are

your spices.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, did I just hear gratitude without
any attitude?

What's wrong?

Just Mom trouble.

What'd I do? I just bought you some
spices.

Not having a Mom trouble, being a Mom
trouble.

Oh, which kid this time?

Gabby. Charlie won't let her date this
boy Owen, so I kind of told her how I

around your dumb rule by doing volunteer
work with boys. And then she took my

story as a suggestion, so now I'm going
to be in trouble.

Slow your roll, little girl, because
you're already in trouble.

When you were volunteering, it was just
to be with some boy?

Um, yeah, but we're not on me right now.

We are all over you right now.

Volunteering at the animal shelter.

I was making out with Larry.

Food drive.

Making out with Matt. School for the
blind.

Oh, you don't want to know. We just had
to be real quiet.

Get me a wooden spoon.

Really? You're going to try and spank
me?

No. I'm going to mix up a batch of
sangria and enjoy this.

I don't need to punish you, because
karma is going to take you to the

Hey, everybody.

I'm back with my charitable princess.

Isn't she something?

Oh, she's something all right.

Oh, thank you.

I'm going to go take a shower. Five
minutes in that nursing home and I smell

like Ben Gay in World War II.

Hey, Gabby, can you hold on a minute?
Sure.

Mom, don't you have some place to be?

Yup, and I'm in it.

Mother? Okay.

Fine, I'll leave the three of you alone.

You, Gabby, and old man Karma.

So, I hear you're volunteering with the
elderly?

Like they say, charity does begin at the
home.

That's not what they say, and I know
what you did.

You took a story about something from
when I was 16, two years older than you,

and then used it to go behind my back.

I was building a bridge. You were
tunneling under it with Owen.

Oh, Owen is over. I caught him cleaning
out a bedpan with another girl. He is

such a player.

But there is this other volunteer,
Jeremy, who's kind of cute.

Oh.

No, you cannot do this ever again. How
else am I supposed to go out with boys?

For your information, I got your dad to
agree to group dates.

Seriously? Steph, how'd you do that? I
told him how mature and responsible you

are. Oops.

Look, if your dad finds out about Owen,
I'll look like an idiot for going to bat

for you. And you will never date again.

So, what do we do?

We keep this Owen stuff to ourselves.

Owen who?

How may I help you?

Owen! Owen!

Owen!

Gabby, we were meant to be. I'm out!

a bedpan come between us it wasn't the
bedpan it was the chick in the cheetah

print holding it gabby owen you seem
like a really

nice guy and a woodwind to boot there
are plenty of fish and a whole lot of

other cliches but the takeaway here is
you have to leave no i'm not going

anywhere until gabby gives me another
chance no one here has that kind of time

do

talk to Gabby. Owen, chill out. Mom,
stop gloating. I can't. Sometimes karma

plays the clarinet.

Where are you going?

Uh, why?

Do I need a hall pass?

Oh, of course not.

I was just wondering why my extremely
sexy husband would choose to leave the

bedroom when I might show up at any
time.

Because historically,

four in the afternoon hasn't been magic
hour.

It's like a lottery. You can't win if
you don't play.

You talking power bucks or just a
scratch -off?

Either way, you'll be shouting jackpot.
So get back in there.

I'm not sure what any of that meant, but
I'll give it ten minutes.

Gabby, get downstairs and talk to this
boy. Can you do it? I'm not the one he's

crying over. He's crying? Please, can
you do it?

Hey, who's that dude curled up in a ball
that Grandma Maggie's petting?

Now he's in a ball?

What am I supposed to do, like roll him
out of here?

If you have to.

I think your dad's on to us.

I can get him out.

How? I'll just tell him all about the
real you. A Gabby unplugged, if you

Okay. But just enough to scare him away.
Not so much that I can't show up at

school tomorrow.

Doable. But I'm going to want something
first.

I won't say where. I won't say when. But
it's in the other room right now.

Don't touch my turtle.

I need him back. What is it going to
take?

Well, I'll give him back to you four.

And I'm just big balling here.

You're half of the room.

Are you crazy?

I guess you got to ask. Ask yourself how
much Leonardo's really worth to you. I

can't sleep without him. See these bags?

I look like I'm cold.

Can't we just trade back?

Things are different now. The turtle and
I have bonded.

I don't know.

Gabby, should I do it? Yeah, Gabby.

Should he do it?

It kills me to say this, but... Heck
yeah.

There you go. And you know you can trust
Gabby. She helps old people.

Owen, let's talk about a little thing
called dignity.

You sound just like my guidance
counselor.

Gabby!

Owen, buddy, let me ask you. How much do
you really know about Gabby?

Who are you?

I'm the guy who's gonna pull back the
curtain as only a brother can.

Gabby's middle name is Beatrice.

Her favorite food is liver and onions.

She used training wheels until she was
nine.

Still here?

Guess you gotta bring out the big guns.

We begin our little photo tour with what
I call the headgear years.

Oh, Gabby.

Couldn't crack him. And I used all my
best stuff.

I say we just buy a new sofa.

You're going to have to go downstairs
and talk to him. I can't handle this

drama. It's going to be awkward and
miserable.

Hello. Welcome to dating.

See, this is the problem with going out
with guys before you're ready.

Really? A teachable moment? Now?

That boy is not leaving our house until
you two have a deeper conversation than

I'm out.

And you have four minutes to clean up
this Owen mess before your dad steps in

it. Yes, I would talk to him, but I
don't know what to say. I've never done

before.

Be simple and direct.

It's actually the kindest thing you can
do for him. All right, I'll do that.

How do I do that?

All right, let's practice. I'll be Owen,
okay? Okay.

Gabby, I love you. I'm out.

Don't worry. You can do this.

I got it.

Owen, I'm going to say this very simply.

Charlie, I'm out.

Gabby! Owen, we've talked about that.

We've talked about that, too.

I see you've met Owen.

Yes. Apparently, he went out on a date
with Gabby, who, Beth, I can recall,

isn't allowed to date.

Before you blame Gabby, which is where
this should end up, I might have

played... I played an inadvertent part.
So I've heard.

I tried to keep him from hearing me say
it.

I was so busy building a bridge, I
didn't realize that... That a teenage

would hear what she wanted to hear and
use it to her advantage. Owen, you'll

never make it to the top.

I should have told you what was going
on, but I was so embarrassed I got

Yeah, well, we all get played.

Somehow James has all my frequent flyer
miles.

Honey, Owen, what are you doing?

I'm speaking to Gabby through my music.

Somebody needs to explain reality to
this kid.

I wouldn't get my hopes up.

That's enough for today.

It's time to go home.

Owen, were you playing that for me?

Yes, I was trying to convey that I'm
sorry about the other girl and the

That totally came across.

It's a song about the Civil War.

So, does this mean that you'll give me
another chance?

Okay, let's try again.

Yeah, we could build houses for the
homeless. Even better. Sounds like a

In exactly 23 months, I'll buy you both
hammers.

And until you turn 16, since you like
volunteering so much, you can

start helping me out at the hospital
after school.

I could really use one of your bridges
right now. I'm out.

Afternoon has been delightful.

Music, drama, romance.

And to think, I almost went to the
movies.

Got everything?

I think so.

Gonna miss you, buddy.

and just go back to the way it was.

That's okay. I'm good.

Oh.

Well, have fun.

But you can come over and visit if you
want to.

You

know,

honey, we've got a lot of teen years
ahead of us.

We've got to stick together.

And remember that it's us against them.

Because we'll always be outnumbered.

He's out there again.

I'll go turn on the sprinklers.

Wait a minute.

He's playing our song.

Our song is Danny Boy?

Tonight it is.

May I have this dance?