All language subtitles for Instant Mom s01e04 Forty-Two Inches

8 .30, buddy.

Bed.

I've been waiting all day to watch the
next show.

Okay, so what's the next show?

SpongeBob.

Not even close.

Well, that was worth a shot.

Good night.

I love it when you do your special
handshake. Can I try?

Nope, it's just for Dad.

Finally, piranha cane.

These piranhas get swept up in a
hurricane and start flying and biting at

miles an hour.

Should I be concerned?

Yeah, it could happen. Hello, global
warming.

No, honey, I mean with the Aaron thing.
He has special handshakes for you,

Gabby, and James. Everybody in the
family but me.

He just gave you a hug.

I know.

I'm being silly.

Does he have a handshake with his mom?

Oh, yeah. That one's so elaborate, it
goes on for 15...

You're so ugly, your face makes onions
cry.

You're so dumb, you failed a blood test.

Oh, oh, you're so ugly, when you throw a
boomerang, it doesn't come back.

Honey, should the boys be insulting each
other?

Oh, they're just bonding. It's harmless.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture
as a scarecrow.

Stephanie, words hurt.

Oh, you're so easy.

Stephanie, tomorrow can you give me
extra lunch money?

Why? In case I lose my other lunch
money.

Sounds reasonable.

To who?

Shh, we're bonding.

Thanks, Stephanie.

Not a problem, little guy. Up top.

Down low.

Fist bump.

Wiggle fingers.

That's just sad.

Hey, Steph, I'm trying out for
cheerleading next week. Could you give

pointers? I wish I could, but
cheerleading's so not my thing. But I

sworn I saw a cheerleader outfit in your
closet.

Oh, thanks.

Why didn't you like cheerleading?

Something about it just turned me off.

They had to retire my spirit stick.

Will you help me get ready for trial?

Can you do a front herky into a mid -air
pike?

Ha! Without a mini tramp.

I don't even know any of those words.

Oh, girl, we got a lot of work to do.

I didn't know your mother was a
cheerleader.

Where do you think I got the outfit?

No, that's a nickel.

This is a warlock round.

The spells have double power.

Swords beat catapult, and trolls are
wild.

Why can't you just play poker like a
normal kid?

What's this game about again?

Dragon Lord's Return of Garka.

And what's the point of that?

It defeats enemies of the realm using
weapons and spells.

I see.

So it's stupid.

But I'm not. Where's that quarter?

In my hand, and it's staying there.

I'm on to you.

I'm enjoying this. I love the little
characters on the card.

This little puppy is so cute.

He's not cute.

He's a six -headed dog from the
underworld who drinks human blood.

So you have to put in another dollar.

I got this right. Last round I lost
because I needed a fire card.

No, you needed a lightning card, which
would have gotten you two fire cards.

Well, I have two fire cards now, so the
pot is mine.

Unless somebody has a water card.

Anybody? Look,

it's me.

Boo -bam!

Don't worry, Dad. You'll figure it out.

Yeah, why don't I just write you a
check?

Tomorrow at lunch, I'm buying the grande
chocolate milk.

Maybe that's why Aaron's asking for
extra lunch money. He's supersizing.

Maybe. Maybe not.

What do you know?

I know I'm not supposed to tell you
about Sam.

Who's Sam?

A kid who's picking on Aaron.

I can't believe that worked.

No, it didn't. That's your lunch money
for tomorrow.

How could anyone pick on Aaron? He's so
small and cute and vulnerable, and I'm

answering my own questions.

There's only one way for a mother to
handle this. It involves the other kid's

parents and the element of surprise.

Really? You go straight to ambush?

Well, I'm going to be the helper mom in
his class this week to get some extra

bonding time with him. Hopefully, I can
see what's what and step in if I have

to. You don't want to step in. Let Aaron
work this out on his own. If he doesn't

learn to stand up for himself, he'll be
backing down his whole life.

Hey,

I was just about to... To what?

Nothing.

Hey, guys. Molly and I are finally...
Steer leading!

Ready whenever you are, Grandma Maggie.
Girl, I was born ready. Came out the

womb, went straight into a cartwheel.
Doctor dropped me, but I stuck my

Come on, we gotta work that herky.

Oh, wait, I forgot my phone.

Dad? Yes?

How much money do you need to go on a
date?

Depends on the girl.

How about a date with an angel?

Gothnult, I am so excited to be here. I
can't wait to work with the kids.

Yeah, yeah, children of the future.

Let me show you what you're going to
make them do.

Your group will be decorating potatoes
to look like American presidents.

Oh, how fun.

Really? Give it 35 years.

Oh, well, here come our artists.

Wish me luck.

Hey, Erin, we're going to be working
together today. Fun, huh?

I guess.

Sweetie, I know someone's picking on
you. It's okay.

Even though some kids can be a little
mean, you have a secret weapon.

You brought my bat?

No, your secret weapon is your sense of
humor.

I've seen you make your brother laugh.

I am pretty funny.

Yeah, you are.

Go tell Sam some joke, and you guys will
be laughing together before you know

it. Now, which one's Sam?

Oh, wow.

So big.

That doesn't seem fair.

Not big, Gerald.

Her.

That sweet -looking little girl?

Well, the same advice applies.

Use your sense of humor. Trust me.

Okay. Thanks, Stephanie.

Special handshake on it?

No can do. We'll not push you.

Hey, Sim, you're so ugly, farmers use
your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, the neighbors make you
trick -or -treat by phone.

erin and i told him to use his sense of
humor and then he started doing these

silly you're so ugly jokes and you told
erin to ridicule samantha actually i've

been told you're so ugly jokes can
create a bonding experience now i'm

it the way you must be hearing it and

Someone owes someone an apology, and
just to make it clear, that first

is you.

Samantha, I'd like to apologize.

Face to face.

Samantha, I may have told Aaron some bad
advice, and because of it, he said some

things that hurt your feelings.

It's my fault, and I am very sorry.

Now that's settled.

It's moments like this that make me
feel... Oh, who am I kidding? I don't

anything.

You know, Sam, I am so glad we're okay.

Because I'm going to be here all week,
and I think we can become good friends.

Lady, you show up here tomorrow, and I
will tear your world apart.

Dribble! Shoot, shoot, you better take
that!

Shoot, you better take that ball to the
hoop, hoop.

Okay, newbies.

Let's do this once more and try to get
it right this time.

Let the women have brought home trophies
with this one.

Watch me now.

Ready?

working so hard.

Oh, lemonade.

Molly, thirsty?

I squeezed it myself.

Uh, thanks, James.

Please, call me Jim.

What?

How's your lemonade?

It's very good.

Sweet, it is sweet. This is so not going
to happen.

Don't spoil my game.

Hey, how's it going?

Grandma Maggie is tough and surprisingly
limber. You got to use it or

lose it.

That's going to hurt in the morning.

We have been practicing all day, and it
was great, but I'm so glad we're done.

Ain't nobody done.

This is where the real work starts.

Where's my motivation paddle?

starting to understand why Stephanie
screams in her sleep.

Hey, sweetie.

How was your first day of school?

Fine. Just fine? What's wrong with fine?

You wound up in the middle of it, didn't
you?

Thanks to me, Aaron made a girl cry.

You're right. I was wrong. Now I have to
wash potato out of my hair.

Don't judge me.

Hey, Dad.

Guess what?

Everyone at school thinks I'm really
funny.

Yeah, I heard you made a girl cry.

Is that true?

Yeah, but James says most good comedy
does that.

There she is.

This is going to be bad.

I'm sure it'll be okay.

How do you know? I bet you were never
picked on.

No, but... When I was in the fourth
grade, there was a boy I kind of picked

Well, it wasn't picking on so much as
tackling and shoving his face in the

You must have hated him. No, I liked
him. That's why I did it.

Does that mean Sam likes me?

Oh, no.

That thing's pure evil.

Oh, is everybody ready for some
funtacular fun?

Miss Bethany, do you have change for a
dollar?

I think so.

There we go.

Excuse me, Samantha.

I think you forgot to give me a dollar.

No, I didn't.

Maybe you should sit someplace safer.

Don't worry.

It's all good.

Look, little girl.

I'm going to need that dollar.

And I'm going to need that 20S on your
purse.

you any more money. You'll be sorry if
you don't.

I'll take my chances.

I think she got the message.

See? I called a bluff.

I don't care what you called her.

She's not done with you.

She's a kid. I'm an adult. I still want
to turn my back on her.

Or she'll do stuff like that. Like what?

Hey! What are you doing? Don't do that!

What's going on here?

You... Aren't this child bad?

She... I mean, we... And then there's
the money.

Just go and stop by security on your way
out so they can take your picture.

Aaron, I... I'll see you at home.

Now that your bodyguard's gone, there
better be some lunch money in here by

time I count to three. Or I'll...

Well, you're my boyfriend.

Does that mean you're not going to take
my money anymore?

It does.

Now you should want to give it to me.

Flatten that back.

Oh, how much longer?

My knees are killing me. And my thighs.

And my everything.

And it's working.

When you make the squad, there's no
telling how many people you'll have to

You need to be ready.

I'm ready to barf.

Can I get you a bucket? If you keep that
up, I'm going to need a bucket.

No side conversations.

Can we please, please stop?

Just ten more minutes, and then we're
going to do another standing pyramid,

you better not drop me this time.

Now, I'm going to go get a stick of
butter for your heels.

Next time we do those flips, you're both
hitting the floor.

We're not going to be here when she gets
back, right?

You might, but I'm out of here.

Dad, if Grandma Maggie asks, you haven't
seen us.

She knows we have a second floor.

What's going on?

Grandma Maggie went extreme cheerleading
on us. We're done. Seriously?

If we're going to train this hard, we
might as well just be on the actual

basketball team.

Yeah, you're better than this, Molly.
Let's go.

No, you don't.

Dad, I think Molly and I have a real
connection.

But Gabby's blocking me.

Yeah, that's the problem.

I've got the butter. Where are my girls?

Promise you will never explain that to
me.

Your girls quit on you.

Hmm.

Couldn't cut it. Ah.

Chair leading's not for the weak. Dad,
can girls' teams have boy cheerleaders?

You know, to watch them and cheer them
on and watch them?

Yes, they can.

Oh.

Oh, we got a lot of work to do to get
you pyramid ready.

You're compact.

That's an asset.

All right.

But you're not buttering my boy.

I got kicked out of third grade.

I know there's more.

There is. From now on, I have to pick up
Aaron at the corner because I'm not

allowed on school grounds for a year.

Wow. Whatever you do, you do go big.

Honey, the only reason I went to school
was to bond with him, maybe even get my

own handshake.

It all backfired.

He knows you're trying.

And every time I see you put yourself
out there for the kids, I just love you

more.

Aw, you always make me feel better.

I hate that.

Do I have to carpool with Mrs. Dean?

She smells like oatmeal.

Hey, Erin, I owe you an apology.

No, you don't. You help me with Sam. You
mean my sense of humor idea?

No, that was stupid.

But you helped me, and I got something
for you. You don't have to give me

anything. It's a special handshake. Give
it to me.

I'm going to go slow.

Okay. I'm ready.

What was that?

That's it.

I quit.

If you're going to talk to me, at least
try to catch me.

All right, so we go over, under, lock,
splash, break, go back and forth five,

and then, and then, oh, we do bird's
hands flying away?

Mira, then bird.

I can write it down.

Don't you worry. She'll get it right.

Practice. Tomorrow morning, 9 a .m.