All language subtitles for Important Things s01e05 Safety

Welcome to Important Things with Dimitri
Martin. I'm Dimitri Martin.

Tonight's important thing is safety.

Let's see where to begin.

Okay, we have jokes, pinata knife
surprise,

or backup hard drive.

Let's go with jokes.

I think it would suck to get rug burned
during a fire.

Oh man, now I'm going to get two kinds
of burn?

You've got to be kidding me.

And then somebody says something sassy
to you?

That's a triple burn right there.

I think about safety all the time. I'm
really careful too, even in my own home.

You know, I have scented candles like
all over the place.

I never light them, I just have them
there.

But I have them because I know that if I
wake up in the middle of the night and

I'm like...

Lilac. Crap, there's a fire.

We got to get out of here. It smells
good and it's dangerous. Let's go. Let's

go.

People always use like sound like it
hurts your ears. I don't want like wah,

wah. I'm like, you know, I'm burning.

And now also my ears are getting hurt.

I'd rather work with the fire on getting
myself out of there. You know what I

mean?

I was in the LAX airport and they made
an announcement. You must maintain

contact with your belongings at all
times.

But I had on a backpack, so I was like,
oh man.

I want to design an actual tourist trap.

Hey honey, look at these donuts. No,
don't go in there!

At the new Springhaven, home for the
elderly, we know you're looking for a

comfortable community for your loved
ones.

And we know how to provide it.

Now, you may have heard stories about
Springhaven.

Some of which were true.

But under new management, Springhaven
offers nothing short of quality service.

Our residents enjoy state -of -the -art
facilities, where they will no longer be

raced down the hallways at terrifying
speeds in their wheelchairs.

just so the orderly whose old person
wins gets $5 from the rest of the

In addition, we have agreed to stop
serving plastic fruit.

Here at the new Spring Haven, we won't
make empty promises that Tony Bennett is

coming to perform, only to announce
minutes before the show that Tony called

said he doesn't perform for losers.

Our days of printing fake newspapers
with disturbing headlines are over.

Unless it's Fake Newspaper Friday.

We employ only the most competent night
nurses, the kind that never dress up as

the grim reaper and then tell old people
in the middle of the night that it's

time to go for a walk.

I'm the founder of Spring Haven Home for
the Elderly, and at the new Spring

Haven, I'm not allowed on the premises.

And Spring Haven will continue to
improve in the future.

We'll be increasing our minimum room
size.

We're going to rethink our use of
experimental laxatives.

And our field trip bans will only be
driven by licensed drivers.

We're putting an end to mandatory
piggyback rides, and in coming years, we

no longer shoot at residents with
paintball guns.

And we're not going to put bug in
anyone's mouth.

Spring Haven.

No more pinatas.

No more dodgeball. No more farming.

No more jokes.

The new Spring Haven.

Welcome home.

Okay.

Ow. Ow,

Meg. Okay, stop.

No, no, no.

No. Ow.

Hey, grab the laptop.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, God.

What? I'm not touching that.

Why not?

There's a pube on it. Huh? A pubic hair.

How safe is your home?

Does your home security system have the
proven strength and power of pubes? At

PubeSafe, our trained technicians will
place pubes on all your valuables. Other

home security systems are effective most
of the time, but no one ever wants to

touch a pube.

That's why they've been nature's theft
deterrent for centuries.

Use it on your car.

Your wallet.

Protect your children from kidnappers.

Damn it, I hate pubic hairs.

Yeah, you and everyone else on this
planet.

Pube safe.

Don't get robbed.

Get pubed.

Okay, settle down, everybody.

Settle down.

Say sex.

During sexual intercourse, the man lies
down with the woman and puts his member

inside her.

The witch then casts a spell, and
sometime later, the woman emits a

person. Now, this is very important. If
you don't want your partner to become

pregnant, gentlemen, you have to be
responsible and take things slow.

Slow.

Smear lamb's blood on window.

The lamb's blood repels the witch.

Witches hate lamb's blood. They're
actually allergic to it.

That is how you prevent the witch from
casting the spell that makes the woman

pregnant. Now, any questions?

Gregor. What if you're having safe sex
and the window breaks?

You should stop having sex immediately
and leave your house because there's a

witch in there. Now, I'm giving each of
you a small vial of lamb's blood.

This is controversial.

But I'd rather you get it here than be
too embarrassed to go to the apothecary

and get it.

I'm going to need a bigger vial.

Very funny.

Yes.

Sorry to bother you, but my father has
been teaching me about the sperm theory.

Let me guess. Your father said that a
woman becomes pregnant when a man

ejaculates sperm into her body.

Is that right?

That's exactly what he said, yeah.
Right.

This is from the same man, if I'm not
mistaken, who told everyone in the

that plague is carried by rats.

Yes.

Okay. How about we leave the science
fiction to science fiction and the

to the priest?

My apologies.

While you're at it, you can tell your
dad that space is bull.

All right. Remember, always practice
stage sex.

Look at the notes I gave you.

If it's the summer solstice, she's going
to get pregnant if you light a fire

after midnight she's going to get
pregnant if a toad has crossed the bed

going to get pregnant if you have sex
with an older woman someone who's over

she's probably going to get pregnant if
you have sex with a lamb the lamb will

not get pregnant that's how we learn
that lamb's blood is useful if you have

on a boat you might die

Okay, I hope some of this sunk in. If
you take these precautions, you can live

safe and disease -free and well into
your 20s.

Let's take a look at the large pad to do
a quick analysis of safety.

I love the saying, safety first, because
it makes me wonder, what's next?

Safety first, then danger.

Yes! Dessert. I can't wait. Let's get
safety done so I can have a snack.

A lot of creatures tell you what to do
when you're around them in order to stay

safe.

Write in their name.

Like a duck.

Duck. Watch out. There's a duck coming
towards your head. Duck.

There's a bat. Bat it away.

There's a badger.

Badger it. Bother it.

Badger that badger.

Some animals are tricky.

Like the lion. It's the opposite.

Do not lie on.

That's a trick.

Even trickier, blowfish.

When the van first came out, creeps must
have been like, okay.

A room with no windows that moves? Yeah.

Definitely.

Nice.

Heider? No, no, no, no.

Stop. You like that, right? Ow.

Gnocchi. What is it? Gnocchi. Nope.
Gnocchi. Nope. Come on. Ow.

Gnocchi.

Ow. Gnocchi.

Gnocchi. Please, it's the Italian potato
sauce.

There's some basic things we all learn
about safety when we're growing up. Some

kind of rules, you know, that you've
heard from your parents or whatever.

But a lot of them are incomplete or
they're outdated, so I just wanted to

through a few and correct them right
now.

First, you've heard never run with
scissors.

Yeah, it's true.

Most of the time.

However, let's say you're cutting some
construction paper and suddenly an

intruder enters your home.

You have scissors.

Get up and run with the scissors.

At him and then stab him in the leg.

And if you want, you can even, like,
open the scissors once they're in his

So it's really never run with scissors
most of the time, but sometimes run and

lunge with scissors.

Next, don't play with matches.

Okay, great advice.

Unless you want to actually have fun.

Kids, you know what I'm talking about.

FYI, it's only arson if you did it on
purpose.

Next, don't talk to strangers.

Sure. Unless you want to meet anyone
ever.

Important Things Things.

Things coming soon from the Important
Things store.

It's a life vest with a much more
effective design.

It's a life vest that smells like shark
crap.

So if sharks swim up to you when you're
in the water and you're wearing the

vest, they're like,

ugh, that smells like my ass.

Let's get out of here.

Patent pending.

Check this one out.

It's a water pistol pistol.

So it's a water gun that's also a gun.
And that's great for if you want to

somebody, but then also shoot them.

And also you can clean blood off with
it.

So that's a triple whammy.

Okay, now, it's a thing for
rollerblades.

It's like a solution.

Let me show you.

Problem. You like rollerblading, but you
hate getting beaten up every time you

do it.

Solution.

The giant sneaker rollerblade cover from
Important Things Thing.

Now you don't look like a guy who's
rollerblading.

You look like a guy with really big feet
who's just gliding around.

So cool.

So safe.

You should buy them.

Definitely.

Here.

Let's stick it to the man.

Let's stick it to the man.

Let's stick a band -aid on his hand.

Cause in this case, the man is bleeding
and he needs help.

Homonym. Acronym. Ow!

Ow, Megan! Megan, stop!

Homonym. Acronym.

Homophone.

Homophobic. Ottoman!

Ow!

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

This is a sketch. That's right.

This is a sketch. Sketch it up. Sketch.

That could take out the entire eastern
seaboard. I'll be right there.

Can you let me in?

You gotta swipe your ID.

This is an emergency!

Swipe the ID.

The proton accelerator is about to
explode!

Swipe it!

Look, you don't understand.

There's an emergency.

Right. Swipe your ID.

Again, I... Swipe. You're not...

You don't understand.

Maybe you don't understand.

You gotta swipe your ID.

Look! The proton accelerator is about to
explode.

I -D.

Swipe. It's on my nightstand! If your
nightstand shows up, I'm gonna let it

Please. You gotta swipe your ID.

Here comes the profanity. Goodbye.

Will someone please come over and open?

Just let me through this goddamn door!

You have killed us all!

Remove your hands from the gate and
swipe your eyes!

I walked in the lobby of this building
and the security guard said, and you

I said, finishing the sentence, bitch.

Gonna start my paragraph? I don't think
so.

I should have said when he went, and you
are asking you who you are.

Very important fairy tales.

The Royal Food Taster.

Ah! Hello, sire. Hello, food taster.
Your dinner.

Oh, here we go.

Well, let's do it. Mm.

Taste my food.

Oh, thank you, sire.

Oh, thank you, sire.

Not for me.

Here's the thing.

You're my food taster. I'm going to have
to put my foot down. Taste my food.

All yours.

No one like a maverick.

Taste my food.

Ah. This reluctance to the basic tenet
of your job.

I'm fascinated.

What's it about?

Well, sire, your dinner has been
poisoned.

It's been poisoned? Yes.

Who do you think poisoned it?

I wonder. Let's have a guess.

It was... No.

Yeah. You poisoned the food.

Yes. Food taster.

Yeah. Right. Did your plan, this
dastardly plan, completely rely upon me

as king for the first time in my entire
life not wanting you to taste this food?

Indeed. Oof. It was a long shot.

Yeah. Hail Mary.

Mmm.

Really? Well, God, you're still going
for it. And that I admire.

Tell you what, I will. I'll give it a
go, shall I?

I'm eating it.

I'm eating it.

Oh, look at him. I'm eating it.

Yeah, I'm eating it. Oh, yum, yum. Kill
him.

Kill him.

Kill him.

See? What?

Heteronym.

That's what I said. You didn't say that.
That's what we agreed on, and that's

what I said. You didn't say that. Yes, I
did. No, you didn't. I said it.

Like 70 times in a row.

Sorry.

I'd like to take a moment to thank some
of our sponsors for tonight's important

thing, safety.

Safety brought to you by a fat guy
getting stuck in an inner tooth.

Safety brought to you by dry humping
because chafing now is better than

later.

Safety brought to you by trying to show
off.