Original subtitles

Welcome to Important Things with Demetri Martin. I'm Demetri.

Tonight's important thing is chairs.

A lot of things related to chairs. How do we start?

Oh, this is a chair. All right.

We can start with jokes, swivel, or just light chair on fire.

Jokes.

The chair raises a lot of questions like, who made the first chair?

Or, who made the second chair?

Or, is it okay to laugh when a fat person sits on a chair and it breaks?

And why are lions so terrified of chairs?

I hate saving a seat in a movie theater.

A lot of times, I'd rather just end the friendship than save a seat for that

person.

Is this seat taken?

Ah, you can have it.

Why do you always have to sit to get bad news?

It's always like, I have some bad news. You might want to sit down for this.

Because it actually comes in pretty low.

And I need your ears at the right height for this.

Never like, I have some good news.

Stand up. Get on those tippy toes. It's really good. It's great news.

I have terrible news. I need you to lie down on the ground.

Okay, I have news and I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

Could you crouch on one leg?

Hey, I think it would be

cool if somebody threw a throne.

Because then it would be a throne, throne.

Yeah.

The closest I've come to being on a throne is just like sitting on a toilet.

Think about it.

All right.

Hey, man.

Oh, man, that meeting took forever.

Tell me about it. I had to pee before it started. Yeah, I had to pee, and I

drank a pot of coffee.

Yeah, well, you had to. I mean, how else are you going to stay awake to that

borathon? Yeah.

Norathon. Yeah.

Nice.

You know who likes to hear himself talk?

Who? Johnson.

Oh, man, does that guy ever shut up? I mean, he's shoveling food in his mouth.

Oh, what a disgusting fat pig.

He's a morally reprehensible, sloth -like, greedy, rancid, rotting from the

inside and the outside, probably racist, pog. He's swine.

pig. He's a pig man.

He's a swine.

You know who I hate?

Bill.

Oh, man.

That guy might be the worst person I've ever met in my life.

Yeah, I wish this urinal were his face.

If I was in a room with Phil and Hitler and I had one bullet, I'd shoot Phil.

I'd shoot myself.

Just in case the one bullet didn't kill Phil.

Idiot. Did you see him the other day at the water cooler talking to Henderson

and Cooper, telling them some lame story? And, you know, those guys are

there trying to look interesting. Yeah, yawn. God bless those guys for acting

like they were interested at all.

Yeah, they're douchebags. Total douchebags, I think those guys are.

You know Henderson's banging Cooper's wife.

Yeah. I mean, everybody does.

You know who I do like?

Who? The new guy.

Oh, that guy's hilarious.

He's hilarious.

He's really funny.

Do you know that story about how he accidentally slept with a male

Is that how he got herpes?

Yeah, I guess. Either that or stay in prison.

All right.

Did I tell you that last weekend I had to see Cirque du Soleil? Oh, God.

Cirque du Soleil more like it, huh? I hate Cirque du Soleil.

What, you're stacking people?

Yeah. Come on.

Juggle fire.

Like, impress me. I don't know, fight a lion. Mm -hmm. I'll see you in there.

I'll catch up with you. Have a good one. Airbones.

Airbones.

Douchebag.

Hmm? What was that?

Oh, I just called you douchebag.

All right, then.

Later.

this large pad right now and do a quick analysis of sitting.

Sitting analysis.

Let's get into it.

Sitting presents certain paradoxes.

You know, we sit to relax, but we also sit to work, like all day at work.

We sit to eat, to get food, but we also sit to get rid of food.

If we want to stay put, what we do is we sit.

But if we want to go somewhere, we sit.

like in a car or on a train.

In fact, the fastest I've ever gone was sitting on an airplane.

You can go 500 miles per hour just sitting somewhere.

If you get up and run towards the front of the plane, you can go 505 miles per

hour.

Until they tackle you.

Then you go back down to 500 miles per hour.

And then later you get to sit somewhere for a very, very long time.

Sometimes we sit when it's not the most appropriate position to be in.

You know what I mean? Like on an airplane, it would be better to be like

That's a more appropriate flying position.

Like, yeah, I'm flying.

This is what it should be like.

Have like a glass floor to the plane.

It would be amazing.

Stewardess comes up. Can I get you anything? No, I'm cool. I'm flying over

Arizona right now. I got it.

I wanted to get an L couch, but my apartment's not big enough, so I had to

lowercase L couch instead.

And this one apparently is going through some sort of time warp or something.

My friend paid $1 ,700 for a couch that turns into a bed.

I was like, dude, you wasted your money.

Every couch turns into a bed.

You just got to lie on it long ways.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns into a bed.

A little more makes everything a toilet.

Chairs can really teach you about your status in life, like the beanbag chair.

If you're in a beanbag chair and you're over 40, you failed.

Hey, sometimes the specific chair you pick can have a major effect on your

life.

Trust me.

Floating like the wings of a dove.

is the thing called love.

Yeah, so that's when I started a recycling program in my hometown, which

spread through the whole state.

Navy SEAL is a strong term. It was more like I did a residency.

I just feel like commitment is the most attractive thing in the world.

Me too.

I love mom.

You want to dance?

I'd love to.

Angelo?

You like making out with other guys' girlfriends?

He must have put something in my drink, Angelo.

I didn't put anything in her drink.

You like calling other guys' girlfriends liars. You hear that, guys? He likes

calling other guys' girlfriends liars.

I got plans for you.

Hey, you hungry, Jason?

Huh? Oh, bon appétit.

Yeah,

poo -poo platter with O's.

Holding my breath, you get it?

I'm actually holding it.

You're a funny guy.

Hey, this party is boring. Let's get out of here.

Bubble juice.

Oh, baby, I like that action.

I don't know your names, ladies, but I like you.

And we like you, too. You?

Glad I said next to you. Thanks, man. Stick with me, you get places.

Yo, driver!

Eyes on the road, dipshit!

Yeah, tell him, kid, tell him.

Angelo? You like telling people what to do?

Come on.

Hit him in the neck.

I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You're sorry?

Get back here.

I

learned

something really interesting, actually, when we filmed that piece.

Something about rats. If I could just show you something quickly.

Okay, let's go back.

Bring up that still if you could.

Okay, when we shot this scene, I had this cage on my head and there was a rat

that went right in here.

What I learned is that rats can't walk backwards when you put them in something

like this.

They have to turn around and then walk out.

That might not be a big problem unless the rat...

Has huge balls.

Those are the rat's balls.

Okay.

So those rat's balls started here, but then when he turned around, guess where

they went?

Right here.

That's the closest the balls of any species have been to my face.

This is a sketch. Yes, it is.

This is a sketch. That's right.

This is a sketch. Sketch it up. Sketch.

Some of the most exciting places to sit in the world can be found on America's

newest amusement park rides.

First, the new twist on an old classic, the Ferris Wall.

The Anticipator is a nerve -wracking climb of 5 ,000 feet.

They'll go higher and higher, up, up.

Through the clouds, and just as you reach the point of no return, you get

and walk down the stairs.

So disappointing, it's thrilling.

Pregnant lady, tired of the man telling you that you're not allowed on rides?

Finally, a ride for pregnant women only.

The cord.

Turn a nightmare into a joyride on The Drunk Driver.

Give me the keys.

I'm fine.

I'm the drunk driver.

Friends let friends.

Have fun.

And save the best for last on certain death.

First, you are shot in the face by a man with a large gun.

Then, you are catapulted to the length of three football fields where you will

land on a glass coffee table.

Next, the team of Taiwanese little leaguers will beat you with aluminum

Finally, he will be set on fire and talked into a pool of hungry crocodiles.

Yay!

Warning, some riders may not experience death.

Huh, fun.

take a moment to thank some of our sponsors for tonight's important thing

chairs brought to you by a seat being warm already from a stranger's ass feels

creepy and good at the same time like eating a candy bar you found on the

sidewalk also brought to you by phone book helping short people eat with

everyone else brought to you by recliners Holding up fat guys while they

take a very undeserved break.

He looks like he knows we just did that bit.

Thanks to all our sponsors. We appreciate it.

Between Socrates and Plato, there was Demetrius.

The basis of all humor is surprise.

If you want people to laugh, surprise them.

For example, if a friend is standing near a chair, remove his chair without

knowing.

This will be a surprise.

It will be hilarious.

Unless he has no sense of humor.

That's also a surprise.

Prick.

Hey, so a lap dance is when a man pays a

woman to treat him like a chair.

A chair that she really, really likes.

You're telling me that a man dressed as a hot dog walked up to you and squirted

mustard on you for no reason?

Yes. Jesus!

Why do you have to lie about everything?

You know what?

You are... Oh.

There's gum under this chair.

What the hell puts gum under a chair?

Chair.

I've got new therapy.

Muture ex -girlfriend with a gray on hand.

She's cheating on her man.

She's sitting next to a boss.

Creep.

Strange habits.

Recycling.

Vietnam, Medicare, wheelchair.

Nick.

Stop. Carson.

Stopped out of school.

Now she's into some stuff.

And it's getting around.

She's got some friends in the under.

Don't get stuck in a day job because you do strange things at

lunch.

High spenders, alcohol.

Stuck.

Like gum.

Latte on job breakdown.

Don't get stuck like gum on a chair.

Let's take a look at chairs tonight.

Many of us from chairs.

One guy broke a chair.

Whatever you think about chairs, you can't deny that chairs are truly an

important thing.

Good night.

Did your chair just break?

Can we get a shot of this?

Nah, it's tough. I feel bad.

But if you went, hi -yah, when you did it, it would have been cool.

Oh, we got a back ninja in the house.

Do not try to fight this guy's back.

Because it will break you.