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1
00:00:01,560 --> 00:00:03,927
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,929 --> 00:00:07,264
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,266 --> 00:00:10,801
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:13,804
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,806 --> 00:00:17,307
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,309 --> 00:00:20,610
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:20,612 --> 00:00:22,179
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,181 --> 00:00:23,647
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:29,186
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,294 --> 00:00:37,160
Well, Chris, looks
like another day
11
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,129
of nobody joining
us for lunch.
12
00:00:39,131 --> 00:00:40,530
Yeah, we never
should've let
13
00:00:40,532 --> 00:00:42,833
that blind girl
touch our faces.
14
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,368
(feedback squeals)
15
00:00:44,370 --> 00:00:46,803
Attention, students.
This is Principal Shepherd
16
00:00:46,805 --> 00:00:48,839
with the lunchtime
announcements.
17
00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,841
And as a special treat,
I thought I'd deliver them
18
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:54,311
in the rapping style you kids
are so enthused about.
19
00:00:54,313 --> 00:00:56,813
♪ Later today you're gonna
have a big thrill ♪
20
00:00:56,815 --> 00:00:59,483
♪ 'Cause shortly after lunch
there'll be a fire drill ♪
21
00:00:59,485 --> 00:01:01,718
♪ And when you go out
to wait for the bus ♪
22
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,388
♪ Mm, go in orderly fashion,
or your hair will get mussed. ♪
23
00:01:04,390 --> 00:01:05,389
You suck.
24
00:01:05,391 --> 00:01:07,057
No, you suck.
25
00:01:07,059 --> 00:01:09,026
I can't hear you, I just presume
26
00:01:09,028 --> 00:01:10,494
somebody must have yelled
"You suck."
27
00:01:10,496 --> 00:01:12,329
Anyway, last announcement:
28
00:01:12,331 --> 00:01:15,532
Don't forget it's time to vote
for homecoming king and queen.
29
00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,035
Nominations are due
by 3:00 p.m. today.
30
00:01:18,037 --> 00:01:19,202
Peace out.
31
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:22,039
No, you're a douche bag.
32
00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:25,742
Wow. Can you imagine if one
of us was homecoming king?
33
00:01:25,744 --> 00:01:27,911
Then people would want
to sit with us at lunch.
34
00:01:27,913 --> 00:01:29,746
Yeah, you should run.
35
00:01:29,748 --> 00:01:30,914
I'll nominate you.
36
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:33,350
You know what?
I'll do it.
37
00:01:33,352 --> 00:01:35,018
Maybe I'll surprise everyone,
38
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:37,087
like when you find out
a buttoned-up librarian
39
00:01:37,089 --> 00:01:39,356
is actually super sexy.
40
00:01:39,358 --> 00:01:41,191
Excuse me, ma'am?
41
00:01:41,193 --> 00:01:45,729
("Hot Blooded"
by Foreigner plays)
42
00:01:45,731 --> 00:01:47,097
♪ Hot blooded... ♪
43
00:01:47,099 --> 00:01:48,765
Yes?
44
00:01:48,767 --> 00:01:52,002
There's a dead homeless man
blocking the card catalog.
45
00:01:55,374 --> 00:01:58,041
Well, there goes Jerome,
46
00:01:58,043 --> 00:01:59,910
loading the urinal up with ice.
47
00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:02,946
Gonna go play me
my melting game.
48
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,281
Man, I'm starting to get drunk.
49
00:02:04,283 --> 00:02:05,549
Is it even noon yet?
50
00:02:05,551 --> 00:02:07,884
Uh, it's only 10:40.
10:40?
51
00:02:07,886 --> 00:02:09,119
Ah, crap,
we gotta get out of here.
52
00:02:09,121 --> 00:02:10,454
That's when Taco Bell throws all
53
00:02:10,456 --> 00:02:12,289
the breakfast food
in the Dumpster.
54
00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:13,957
Can't let that raccoon
get all of it.
55
00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,125
Ooh, man, you're right.
56
00:02:15,127 --> 00:02:16,293
You know,
this is great, guys.
57
00:02:16,295 --> 00:02:17,928
Drinking and
eating garbage.
58
00:02:17,930 --> 00:02:20,330
I'm glad we all took
a mental health day.
59
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,233
Hey, where'd everybody go?
60
00:02:23,235 --> 00:02:24,568
I don't know where they went,
61
00:02:24,570 --> 00:02:26,570
but someone's got
to pay this check.
62
00:02:26,572 --> 00:02:29,573
Damn it. They left without me,
and now I'm stuck with the bill?
63
00:02:29,575 --> 00:02:32,576
Man, who do those guys think
I am, Mark Zuckerbrothers?
64
00:02:32,578 --> 00:02:34,411
Seems like they
do that a lot.
65
00:02:34,413 --> 00:02:36,446
Tell you what,
this one's on me.
66
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,614
Thanks, Jerome.
67
00:02:37,616 --> 00:02:38,748
Since there's
no one here,
68
00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:40,283
do you mind
turning the TV up?
69
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:43,286
That little Lamisil guy
always makes me laugh.
70
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,655
(laughs)
Yeah.
71
00:02:49,128 --> 00:02:50,794
What do you think he is,
like a Martian?
72
00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:52,062
Like a little
shoe Martian?
73
00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:53,497
I don't know.
74
00:02:53,499 --> 00:02:55,765
I just hope he ain't
down there in my shoes.
75
00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:57,100
No, he's loud.
76
00:02:57,102 --> 00:02:59,436
If he were down there,
we'd know it.
77
00:02:59,438 --> 00:03:02,172
I ain't got
no toenails nohow.
78
00:03:06,111 --> 00:03:08,612
Hey, everybody,
guess what.
79
00:03:08,614 --> 00:03:11,148
I'm running for
homecoming king!
80
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:12,182
You're what?
81
00:03:12,184 --> 00:03:13,817
Yeah. Neil nominated me.
82
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,819
Why are you home
from school and Meg's not?
83
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,654
(gasps)
Has she taken a lover?
84
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,524
Well, the voting is tomorrow,
so I've got to write my speech.
85
00:03:20,526 --> 00:03:23,960
Luckily, "Chris Griffin"
rhymes with "homecoming king,"
86
00:03:23,962 --> 00:03:25,929
so I've got my opening line.
87
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:28,298
Oh, my God.
88
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,133
Did you see how
excited he is?
89
00:03:30,135 --> 00:03:31,301
Yeah, isn't that great?
90
00:03:31,303 --> 00:03:32,869
No, it's not great.
91
00:03:32,871 --> 00:03:35,305
Chris is not
homecoming king material.
92
00:03:35,307 --> 00:03:37,007
He doesn't have a
chance of winning.
93
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,642
We got to be at
that school tomorrow
94
00:03:38,644 --> 00:03:40,210
to help pick up the
pieces when he loses.
95
00:03:40,212 --> 00:03:41,311
(bell dings)
96
00:03:41,313 --> 00:03:42,412
Oh, my Hot Pocket!
97
00:03:43,048 --> 00:03:45,215
Ow, it's hot!
98
00:03:49,655 --> 00:03:50,654
(horn honking)
99
00:03:50,656 --> 00:03:52,322
Oh, that must be Jerome.
100
00:03:52,324 --> 00:03:53,557
What the hell
is Jerome doing here?
101
00:03:53,559 --> 00:03:54,958
We didn't order any drinks.
102
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,893
No, he and I got plans.
103
00:03:56,895 --> 00:03:58,728
We're gonna go down
to Carver High School
104
00:03:58,730 --> 00:04:00,897
and look at that mural
of black achievement.
105
00:04:00,899 --> 00:04:04,968
Mm, they got a manila folder
taped over Dr. Cosby's face.
106
00:04:04,970 --> 00:04:06,803
What? Cleveland,
you didn't tell us
107
00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:08,572
you had plans with Jerome.
108
00:04:08,574 --> 00:04:10,073
Some things are
my business.
109
00:04:10,075 --> 00:04:12,409
You don't tell me when
you play with yourself.
110
00:04:12,411 --> 00:04:13,843
Well, if you checked
my Twitter feed,
111
00:04:13,845 --> 00:04:15,478
I wouldn't have to.
112
00:04:22,421 --> 00:04:25,021
(applause)
113
00:04:25,023 --> 00:04:26,990
And if you elect me,
I will be as good
114
00:04:26,992 --> 00:04:29,659
a homecoming king
as a touchdown.
115
00:04:29,661 --> 00:04:31,228
(applause, cheering, whooping)
116
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,896
And our final nominee
117
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:35,265
for homecoming king
is Chris Griffin.
118
00:04:35,267 --> 00:04:36,733
(scattered clapping)
119
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:37,901
(microphone feedback squeals)
120
00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,236
Thank you.
121
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,737
I'm Chris Griffin.
122
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:43,773
Webster's dictionary
defines "smegma" as
123
00:04:43,775 --> 00:04:45,742
"a sebaceous,
cheese-like substance
124
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,011
around the head of the penis."
125
00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:50,580
But what is a "king"?
126
00:04:50,582 --> 00:04:52,582
Oh, God,
this is already hard to watch.
127
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:55,752
Like that Bourne movie where
they couldn't get Matt Damon.
128
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:58,355
We're facing a biochemical
attack of untold proportions.
129
00:04:58,357 --> 00:05:00,090
Unfortunately,
Jason Bourne is not available.
130
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:01,758
Who have we got?
131
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,927
We have the sixth-billed
guy from The Avengers.
132
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:05,862
The arrow guy
who frowns a lot.
133
00:05:05,864 --> 00:05:07,097
Uh, okay.
134
00:05:07,099 --> 00:05:08,465
Does he look
like Bourne?
135
00:05:08,467 --> 00:05:09,933
Yeah, yeah.
136
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,768
He sort of looks
like a young Popeye.
137
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:13,803
Well, sounds like he's
the right guy for this.
138
00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:16,606
Yeah... yeah.
139
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:18,608
All right, students.
The votes have been tabulated,
140
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:21,878
so if you could all look up
from your phones for a minute,
141
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,413
I'll tell you who won.
142
00:05:23,415 --> 00:05:24,781
(rapid clicking)
143
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:27,617
Children.
A man is talking.
144
00:05:27,619 --> 00:05:28,952
All right, I better
head down there.
145
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,253
I brought a bag
of marshmallows
146
00:05:30,255 --> 00:05:31,888
and a belt for
Chris to bite on
147
00:05:31,890 --> 00:05:33,490
during his meltdown.
148
00:05:33,492 --> 00:05:37,560
And this year's James Woods High
homecoming king is...
149
00:05:37,562 --> 00:05:38,795
Chris Griffin.
150
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,563
(applause)
Yay!
151
00:05:40,565 --> 00:05:43,400
(laughing):
Yay!
152
00:05:43,402 --> 00:05:44,834
Holy crap!
153
00:05:44,836 --> 00:05:46,970
I don't believe it.
Chris won!
154
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,506
All right, now it's time
for these four poor kids
155
00:05:49,508 --> 00:05:51,741
to thank you for
subsidizing their lunches.
156
00:05:51,743 --> 00:05:53,476
ALL (apathetic):
Thank you.
157
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,011
Mean it.
158
00:05:55,013 --> 00:05:56,346
ALL (brightly):
Thank you.
159
00:05:56,348 --> 00:05:57,647
All right.
160
00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,049
Time for my car nap.
161
00:06:07,759 --> 00:06:09,326
Hey, hey, hey,
there he is!
162
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:10,427
The new king!
163
00:06:10,429 --> 00:06:12,262
I already called
and quit my job.
164
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:14,431
Peter, he doesn't get money
for being homecoming king.
165
00:06:14,433 --> 00:06:15,665
Does he get land?
166
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:16,933
No, of course not.
167
00:06:16,935 --> 00:06:18,201
Does he get this joke?
168
00:06:18,203 --> 00:06:20,337
"Shagadelic, baby!"
169
00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:22,038
Austin Powers!
170
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,607
Oh, very good.
Very good, my liege.
171
00:06:24,609 --> 00:06:26,676
Well, Chris, since
you're royalty now,
172
00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:27,944
I made your favorites.
173
00:06:27,946 --> 00:06:29,145
Dinner for breakfast?
174
00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:30,380
That's right.
175
00:06:30,382 --> 00:06:32,382
Pork chops
and French onion soup.
176
00:06:32,384 --> 00:06:33,783
Oh, boy!
177
00:06:33,785 --> 00:06:36,019
Well, as king,
I shall eat this breakfast
178
00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:39,022
on a tray in front
of Wheel of Fortune.
179
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:42,025
I'll get the TV tray,
Your Majesty.
180
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:44,394
How does nobody see what's going
on with this Chris thing?
181
00:06:44,396 --> 00:06:45,695
What are you talking about?
182
00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,230
Well, it's obvious.
183
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:49,199
The only reason they
elected him king
184
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,634
is because they're gonna
prank him at homecoming.
185
00:06:51,636 --> 00:06:53,403
Shut up, Hat.
That's my brother.
186
00:06:53,405 --> 00:06:55,038
They're not gonna mess with him.
He's the man.
187
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,574
He's got real Griffin beef
in those trousers.
188
00:06:57,576 --> 00:06:59,142
Meg, how can you be so sure?
189
00:06:59,144 --> 00:07:00,877
Because this kind of stuff
happens all the time
190
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,245
to unpopular kids.
191
00:07:02,247 --> 00:07:03,880
They're just trying
to embarrass him
192
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,315
and make him look stupid.
193
00:07:05,317 --> 00:07:06,716
You don't really think
they're going to pull
194
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:07,851
a prank on Chris,
do you?
195
00:07:07,853 --> 00:07:09,652
I don't know,
but if they are,
196
00:07:09,654 --> 00:07:11,388
we got to get down to that
school and talk 'em out of it.
197
00:07:11,390 --> 00:07:12,655
Good idea.
198
00:07:12,657 --> 00:07:13,890
And luckily,
I'm great at connecting
199
00:07:13,892 --> 00:07:15,392
with that generation.
200
00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:18,395
Like when I went on that
campout with One Direction.
201
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:21,030
So they checked
into their hotel suite,
202
00:07:21,032 --> 00:07:23,933
but the minibar had no
sparkling water-- only still!
203
00:07:23,935 --> 00:07:25,168
(all gasp)
204
00:07:25,170 --> 00:07:26,569
Ah, stop. It's too scary.
205
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:28,238
Oh, but that's not all.
206
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,572
They looked
in the wardrobe
207
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,341
and discovered
that the stylist
208
00:07:31,343 --> 00:07:33,109
had only brought
non-skinny jeans!
209
00:07:33,111 --> 00:07:34,577
(all gasp)
210
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,746
Do mean like a
Levi's 513 skinny straight?
211
00:07:36,748 --> 00:07:38,915
No. Just regular
pants that fit normal!
212
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,417
(all gasp)
213
00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:42,585
That's not real, right?
Those aren't real?
214
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,354
Of course not, Louis.
It's-it's just a story.
215
00:07:44,356 --> 00:07:46,256
Well, I guess that means
these aren't real!
216
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,590
(all screaming)
217
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,259
Yeah, they're gonna die
in the woods.
218
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:50,760
Simon, are they tagged?
219
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:51,961
They're tagged, right?
220
00:07:51,963 --> 00:07:53,863
Oh, they're tagged.
Good.
221
00:07:53,865 --> 00:07:55,098
Simon, did I ever
tell you the one
222
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,766
about the
loose-fitting T-shirt?
223
00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,702
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
224
00:08:03,708 --> 00:08:05,041
All right,
if we want Cleveland
225
00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,709
to stop spending
all his time with Jerome,
226
00:08:06,711 --> 00:08:08,144
we got to remind him
how much fun we are.
227
00:08:08,146 --> 00:08:09,446
So let's just have fun.
228
00:08:09,448 --> 00:08:10,613
How do we do that?
229
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,815
I don't know.
230
00:08:11,817 --> 00:08:13,783
Little bit of this.
231
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,485
Okay.
That seems like fun.
232
00:08:15,487 --> 00:08:17,120
What about one of these?
233
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,488
Yeah, sure.
There's no wrong moves.
234
00:08:18,490 --> 00:08:20,457
What if I brush
my shoulders off?
235
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:23,226
Original ideas
are preferred, but sure.
236
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,962
Three fun guys,
room for four.
237
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,130
I don't know if
it's working, Peter.
238
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:28,298
I don't know
if it's fun.
239
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,133
It's more than fun,
it's "foon."
240
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,801
That's a fun way
to say "fun."
241
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:34,471
Hey, how foon would it be
if we waved sticks around?
242
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,406
I-I really don't know
what we're doing.
243
00:08:36,408 --> 00:08:38,007
It's foon,
from the word before.
244
00:08:38,009 --> 00:08:39,909
I don't see what's...
(yells)
245
00:08:39,911 --> 00:08:42,679
All right, first,
let's take your blood pressure,
246
00:08:42,681 --> 00:08:44,180
'cause that's-that's
like our favorite thing
247
00:08:44,182 --> 00:08:46,049
to do around here.
248
00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,921
Okay, we all know how much
Cleveland loves Tecmo Bowl,
249
00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:53,323
so let's start playing.
250
00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:54,524
I'm the Raiders.
I'm Bo Jackson.
251
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,025
And hopefully,
he'll show up.
252
00:08:56,027 --> 00:08:57,827
That's no fair.
Bo Jackson's too fast.
253
00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,863
Guys, do we want
Cleveland back or don't...
254
00:08:59,865 --> 00:09:01,097
Uhp, here we go.
255
00:09:01,099 --> 00:09:03,500
PETER (laughs):
Bye-bye.
256
00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:04,767
QUAGMIRE:
See, Peter? He's too fast.
257
00:09:04,769 --> 00:09:06,169
You got to tackle me.
It's "B."
258
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:07,670
You got to press "B."
259
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,339
I'm pressing "B." He's too fast.
260
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:10,940
Going over here.
261
00:09:10,942 --> 00:09:12,275
Going over here now.
262
00:09:12,277 --> 00:09:13,510
Never get tired.
263
00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,678
JOE:
Change your guy, Quagmire.
264
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:16,880
Change your guy.
265
00:09:16,882 --> 00:09:18,147
I'm trying.
Peter's cheating.
266
00:09:18,149 --> 00:09:19,516
You're cheating, Peter.
267
00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:20,783
I'm not cheating.
I'm following the rules.
268
00:09:20,785 --> 00:09:22,185
I'm just really good.
269
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,521
You're not really good.
You just got Bo Jackson.
270
00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:27,524
Bo Jackson also played
professional baseball.
271
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,526
Shut up, Joe.
Everybody knows that.
272
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:30,693
Kansas City.
273
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:31,861
Royals.
274
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:33,696
Can't stop.
Won't stop.
275
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:38,368
Bo... might...
go... all... the...
276
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,203
Nope, going back
the other way.
277
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,071
What? Are you going backwards?
Just score.
278
00:09:42,073 --> 00:09:43,907
Nah, I'm gonna run
out the quarter.
279
00:09:43,909 --> 00:09:46,042
I'm not playing now.
My controller's down.
280
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:47,977
(quietly):
Seems like your controller's
been down the whole time.
281
00:09:47,979 --> 00:09:50,914
Who's Veris?
You got to switch off Veris.
282
00:09:50,916 --> 00:09:53,149
Get it to Ronnie Lott.
283
00:09:53,151 --> 00:09:55,985
Pretty much anyone
but Veris.
284
00:09:55,987 --> 00:09:58,721
Oh, no, I'm all the
way back here now.
285
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,823
I'm in my own end zone.
What am I doing?
286
00:10:00,825 --> 00:10:02,559
Too bad I'm not
Bo Jackson.
287
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:03,760
Oh, wait. I am!
288
00:10:03,762 --> 00:10:05,094
Ridiculous.
289
00:10:05,096 --> 00:10:06,896
Oh, yeah.
290
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,331
There you go,
Quagmire.
291
00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:09,566
You're about
to tackle me.
292
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:10,900
But then...
293
00:10:10,902 --> 00:10:12,902
Damn it!
294
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,070
Less than a minute.
295
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,405
Shut up, Joe!
296
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:16,573
He's gonna do it.
297
00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:17,840
He might do this.
298
00:10:17,842 --> 00:10:19,008
I don't know, a
lot of football
299
00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:20,176
still to be
played here.
300
00:10:20,178 --> 00:10:21,411
I'm hitting reset.
301
00:10:21,413 --> 00:10:22,745
Don't you dare
hit reset.
302
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,080
You hit reset, you're
banned for life.
303
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:25,281
I hate this.
304
00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:26,749
Joe, do you want to play?
305
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,751
Nah, I like being
this guy.
306
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,254
A zig. A zag.
A touchdown!
307
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,590
Yeah!
308
00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:34,924
♪ I won the game ♪
309
00:10:34,926 --> 00:10:36,526
♪ And now I'm gonna jump ♪
310
00:10:36,528 --> 00:10:37,994
♪ Bo Jackson! ♪
311
00:10:39,698 --> 00:10:41,531
All right, if we want
to get Cleveland back,
312
00:10:41,533 --> 00:10:43,299
we should just put out
his favorite snack:
313
00:10:43,301 --> 00:10:44,801
an open can of tuna.
314
00:10:44,803 --> 00:10:47,704
Often he'll come running
when he hears a can opening.
315
00:10:47,706 --> 00:10:49,372
Peter, stop.
316
00:10:49,374 --> 00:10:50,974
Yeah, I think it's
time we addressed
317
00:10:50,976 --> 00:10:52,609
the elephant
in the room.
318
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,077
There's a simple reason
319
00:10:54,079 --> 00:10:56,546
Cleveland is hanging out
with Jerome and not us.
320
00:10:56,548 --> 00:10:58,414
Jerome is black
and we're not.
321
00:10:58,416 --> 00:10:59,782
Yeah, I mean,
you can't blame him.
322
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:01,551
It's just a thing
they have in common.
323
00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:02,952
Something they can bond over.
324
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:04,554
Well, I guess
that makes sense.
325
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,656
I suppose people do want
to be with their own kind.
326
00:11:06,658 --> 00:11:09,659
Like the audience at a
Decemberists concert.
327
00:11:09,661 --> 00:11:11,461
Good evening,
white guys who weigh less
328
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:13,162
than their girlfriends.
329
00:11:13,164 --> 00:11:15,398
(cheering)
330
00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:21,004
(indistinct chatter)
331
00:11:21,006 --> 00:11:22,639
God, a lot
of gym teacher
332
00:11:22,641 --> 00:11:24,574
suicide memorials
in this place.
333
00:11:24,576 --> 00:11:26,309
All right, let's find
the coolest kids here,
334
00:11:26,311 --> 00:11:28,411
and see if they know anything
about a prank on Chris.
335
00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,647
Those chicks in the
skirts look pretty cool.
336
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,182
Hey there.
Brian Rockwell.
337
00:11:33,184 --> 00:11:34,917
This is my friend,
Stewie Goldberg.
338
00:11:34,919 --> 00:11:36,319
What?
339
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:37,587
I don't know my way
around the school,
340
00:11:37,589 --> 00:11:38,688
so I figured I'd get the deets
341
00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:39,822
from a couple of seniors.
342
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,024
Download me.
343
00:11:41,026 --> 00:11:42,659
Brian-- it's not
Goldberg, by the way--
344
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:43,826
we should ask
about the prank.
345
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:45,328
I'm earning their trust.
346
00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:46,596
Hey, uh, I'm new here,
347
00:11:46,598 --> 00:11:48,164
but you know what'd be crazy?
348
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:49,499
If me, a guy,
349
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,534
went in the girls' room
with you two.
350
00:11:51,536 --> 00:11:53,836
(laughing):
I mean, that would be,
that would be so wild.
351
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,672
We should, we should
totally just go in there.
352
00:11:55,674 --> 00:11:56,873
Brian, stop.
353
00:11:56,875 --> 00:11:58,041
That'd be hilarious.
354
00:11:58,043 --> 00:11:59,275
I'm in.
355
00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:00,677
Stewie, go wait
in the car.
356
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,512
No, we are here to get
information about Chris.
357
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,614
I said, go wait
in the (bleep) car.
358
00:12:08,053 --> 00:12:10,453
They had security guards
in the bathroom.
359
00:12:10,455 --> 00:12:13,756
We-we live in such
a culture of fear now.
360
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,794
(knocking)
361
00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:20,363
Hey, guys, what are
you doing here?
362
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:22,065
And why are you
dressed like that?
363
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,966
Well, we realized you like
hanging out with Jerome
364
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:25,401
because he's black,
365
00:12:25,403 --> 00:12:28,071
so we wanted you to know
we can be black guys, too.
366
00:12:28,073 --> 00:12:31,074
Yeah, in fact, we can even
be famous movie black guys.
367
00:12:31,076 --> 00:12:32,375
I'm Bagger Vance.
368
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:34,143
I also am
Bagger Vance.
369
00:12:34,145 --> 00:12:36,212
I'm Kazaam from Kazaam.
370
00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:37,814
You really think
I'm only hanging out
371
00:12:37,816 --> 00:12:39,649
with Jerome 'cause he's black?
372
00:12:39,651 --> 00:12:42,819
I hang out with Jerome because,
unlike some people,
373
00:12:42,821 --> 00:12:45,388
he actually takes
an interest in my life.
374
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,223
And he would never
stick me with the bill
375
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,392
by walking out
on me at the Clam.
376
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:53,229
Well, we could have come over
and graciously apologized,
377
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,831
but we took a chance.
378
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,966
That's what I like about us.
379
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,673
Sucks we didn't find
out what kind of prank
380
00:13:03,675 --> 00:13:05,007
they're gonna
pull on Chris.
381
00:13:05,009 --> 00:13:06,576
I know that book
is The Hunger Games
382
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:07,910
with the cover taken off.
383
00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,746
Oh, look, something on TV.
384
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:12,749
And finally, tonight, a moving
story from James Woods High,
385
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:16,018
where the student body has made
their homecoming a special event
386
00:13:16,020 --> 00:13:18,221
for a very special boy.
387
00:13:18,223 --> 00:13:19,756
And this year's James Woods High
388
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:23,426
homecoming king is...
Chris Griffin.
389
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:25,528
Yay!
390
00:13:25,530 --> 00:13:27,964
(laughing):
Yay!
391
00:13:27,966 --> 00:13:29,432
TOM:
That's right. Chris Griffin,
392
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,768
a tubby spaz
with a heart full of dreams,
393
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:33,770
gets to feel normal for a night,
394
00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,972
thanks to the kindness
of his peers.
395
00:13:35,974 --> 00:13:38,808
BOTH:
Oh.
396
00:13:38,810 --> 00:13:40,209
I just see him
walking around
397
00:13:40,211 --> 00:13:41,978
with his hands down
his pants all day,
398
00:13:41,980 --> 00:13:43,780
and he's just so
fat and weird,
399
00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,548
so we feel bad.
400
00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:49,152
Yeah, last year we did the burnt
up kid, so this was a slam dunk.
401
00:13:49,154 --> 00:13:51,387
Oh, my God, they just
elected him out of pity,
402
00:13:51,389 --> 00:13:53,222
because they think he's
mentally challenged.
403
00:13:53,224 --> 00:13:55,825
Kind of like we did
with George W. Bush.
404
00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,060
(chuckling):
Huh? Right?
405
00:13:58,062 --> 00:14:00,730
(sighs)
I-I guess.
I guess, Brian.
406
00:14:00,732 --> 00:14:02,131
I-I don't--
I don't know.
407
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,299
Let's-let's just watch
some commercials.
408
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,308
Well, that explains it.
409
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,743
The only reason Chris
is homecoming king
410
00:14:13,745 --> 00:14:15,745
is that all the other
kids feel sorry for him.
411
00:14:15,747 --> 00:14:16,979
Do you think he knows?
412
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,147
I can't imagine.
413
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:19,348
And we can't tell him.
414
00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:20,650
It would destroy him.
415
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:23,319
(imitating trumpet fanfare)
416
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:24,487
Look away!
417
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,989
No one may meet
the king's gaze.
418
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,491
So, uh, hey,
419
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,660
congratulations
again on that, uh,
420
00:14:30,662 --> 00:14:32,028
homecoming thing.
421
00:14:32,030 --> 00:14:33,663
Why congratulate
me on a right
422
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,598
and natural
turn of events?
423
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:36,933
Now, if you'll
excuse me,
424
00:14:36,935 --> 00:14:38,367
I shall select
three things
425
00:14:38,369 --> 00:14:40,937
from Stewie's room
that I wish to be mine.
426
00:14:40,939 --> 00:14:43,439
There's a book in there
on how to eat healthy.
427
00:14:43,441 --> 00:14:45,608
Why don't you take that,
you fat bitch?
428
00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:48,010
Well, he obviously doesn't
know it's just a pity vote.
429
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:50,012
In fact, this whole
homecoming king thing
430
00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:52,114
seems to have just gone
straight to his head.
431
00:14:52,116 --> 00:14:54,050
I know, he's acting like
an arrogant jerk.
432
00:14:54,052 --> 00:14:55,551
CHRIS (distant):
Quiet, Rupert!
433
00:14:55,553 --> 00:14:57,720
It is an honor to serve
the king in this manner.
434
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:58,955
Brian, this can't go on.
435
00:14:58,957 --> 00:15:00,690
Chris is out of control.
436
00:15:00,692 --> 00:15:03,526
He's even more arrogant
than an actor/writer/director.
437
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:06,195
Well, my script is brilliant,
and I'm a great director.
438
00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:10,032
The question is,
how bad do I want this part?
439
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,136
(crying):
Okay, I'll do it.
440
00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:19,976
Well, now we know.
441
00:15:19,978 --> 00:15:22,044
Neither of us
likes crepes.
442
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,547
See, that's another thing
we got in common.
443
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:26,582
In fact, you want
to hear something crazy?
444
00:15:26,584 --> 00:15:29,552
Peter and the fellas think that
you and I only hang out together
445
00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,153
because we're both black.
446
00:15:31,155 --> 00:15:32,388
Uh-huh.
447
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:33,923
But I told them
that's insulting.
448
00:15:33,925 --> 00:15:35,258
Why is that insulting?
449
00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:36,926
People like to be
with their own.
450
00:15:36,928 --> 00:15:39,061
I mean, you don't think I
hang out with you because
451
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,831
of your endless stories about
working your remote control
452
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:45,835
or your fat son or how you once
made a dog shake its head "no"?
453
00:15:45,837 --> 00:15:49,238
I manipulated the
cheeseburger what like this.
454
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,840
You boring, man.
455
00:15:50,842 --> 00:15:52,541
But you're black,
so we cool.
456
00:15:52,543 --> 00:15:54,610
That's racist.
I'm offended.
457
00:15:54,612 --> 00:15:55,912
Whatever.
458
00:15:55,914 --> 00:15:57,580
I'll see you around,
Cleveland.
459
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:01,617
Man, I guess this whole
friendship was a bad idea.
460
00:16:01,619 --> 00:16:04,854
Just like Goodyear's
advertising strategy.
461
00:16:04,856 --> 00:16:06,856
All right, we have $14 million
to play with.
462
00:16:06,858 --> 00:16:08,758
I say we spend it all on blimps,
463
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,059
'cause who do we want to reach?
464
00:16:10,061 --> 00:16:11,794
Drivers.
465
00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:13,596
And where are people looking
when they're driving a car?
466
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,164
Straight up.
467
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,971
Squire, my chamber pot
needs emptying.
468
00:16:21,973 --> 00:16:23,372
What's he talking about?
469
00:16:23,374 --> 00:16:24,941
He's been pooping
in the waffle iron.
470
00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:25,808
Just plug it in
and close it.
471
00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,310
It'll burn off.
472
00:16:27,312 --> 00:16:29,645
Look, Chris, you know,
being homecoming king
473
00:16:29,647 --> 00:16:32,048
doesn't mean you can
just start acting crazy.
474
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:33,883
I can do whatever I want.
475
00:16:33,885 --> 00:16:37,219
I've been acknowledged
by my peers as their superior.
476
00:16:37,221 --> 00:16:39,322
You're just jealous 'cause
you've never done anything
477
00:16:39,324 --> 00:16:41,290
that deserves
being elected king.
478
00:16:41,292 --> 00:16:42,925
Okay, you want
to know the truth?
479
00:16:42,927 --> 00:16:44,827
They only picked you
because they felt sorry for you.
480
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,128
Sorry?
481
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,730
Why would they
feel sorry for me?
482
00:16:47,732 --> 00:16:50,399
Well, because they all think
you're a, um, you know,
483
00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:54,236
"groundskeeper at a public
institution" kind of guy.
484
00:16:54,238 --> 00:16:55,338
A what?
485
00:16:55,340 --> 00:16:57,640
A dope.
An idiot. A water head.
486
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,242
You guys don't know
what you're talking about.
487
00:17:00,244 --> 00:17:02,845
Tonight, when they put
that crown on my head,
488
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:05,314
it's gonna be the
greatest night of my life.
489
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:08,718
Even better than when
I had my first kiss.
490
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,927
(phone buzzes)
491
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:24,867
♪ ♪
492
00:17:32,543 --> 00:17:34,343
I say, we were a
little hard on Chris,
493
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,678
but I'm glad we came.
494
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,213
He's still my brother.
495
00:17:37,215 --> 00:17:38,948
Hey, look, there's
the security guard
496
00:17:38,950 --> 00:17:40,616
that threw me out
of the bathroom earlier.
497
00:17:40,618 --> 00:17:42,284
And he's here
with his wife.
498
00:17:42,286 --> 00:17:44,387
(chuckles) This is like
a date for them.
499
00:17:44,389 --> 00:17:47,056
Good evening,
fingerers and fingerees.
500
00:17:47,058 --> 00:17:48,958
Sorry,
I had a little rum in the car.
501
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,028
Anyway, please welcome your
homecoming king, Chris Griffin.
502
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:53,596
(applause, cheering)
503
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:58,200
Good evening, subjects.
504
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:02,204
The boys' showers shall run red
with the blood of my enemies.
505
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,539
We believe in you!
506
00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:04,540
Good for you, Chris!
507
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,741
No one clap too loud.
508
00:18:05,743 --> 00:18:07,576
We don't want
to frighten him.
509
00:18:07,578 --> 00:18:09,078
Wait a minute.
510
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:10,212
And now your queen,
511
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,048
prom night car crash victim
512
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,949
Kathleen Fitzpatrick.
513
00:18:15,753 --> 00:18:16,886
ALL:
Aw.
514
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:18,421
We miss you, Kathleen!
515
00:18:18,423 --> 00:18:20,089
You're heaven's queen now!
516
00:18:20,091 --> 00:18:21,557
BRIAN:
Wow, she was hot.
517
00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,726
The queen is a dead girl?
518
00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,494
What does that make me?
519
00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:27,596
(gasps)
Brian and Stewie were right.
520
00:18:27,598 --> 00:18:29,498
This was a pity vote.
521
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:30,900
We love you, Chris!
522
00:18:30,902 --> 00:18:32,268
You love me?
523
00:18:32,270 --> 00:18:34,236
You don't even know
anything about me.
524
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:37,239
You just voted for me
to make yourselves feel better.
525
00:18:39,777 --> 00:18:42,511
She was on PCP that night,
you idiots!
526
00:18:49,454 --> 00:18:52,021
Chris, I-I'm so sorry.
527
00:18:52,023 --> 00:18:53,189
That's okay.
528
00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:54,924
You guys tried
to warn me.
529
00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,625
I'm sorry I was
such a jerk.
530
00:18:56,627 --> 00:18:57,760
Ah, don't worry about it.
531
00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:58,861
Are you okay?
532
00:18:58,863 --> 00:19:01,697
You know what?
I am.
533
00:19:01,699 --> 00:19:03,199
I may not be king,
534
00:19:03,201 --> 00:19:05,434
but I learned
I don't need anyone's pity.
535
00:19:05,436 --> 00:19:06,802
That's the spirit, Chris.
536
00:19:06,804 --> 00:19:08,771
And, hey, you're not
the homecoming king,
537
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,273
but you'll always
be my brother.
538
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:12,575
Thanks, Stewie.
539
00:19:12,577 --> 00:19:14,110
It means a lot
to me to know
540
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:16,946
I've always got my family
looking out for me.
541
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:18,781
Oh, hey, Chris.
542
00:19:18,783 --> 00:19:20,549
This is Tyler.
543
00:19:20,551 --> 00:19:23,219
Don't make this weird now.
544
00:19:23,221 --> 00:19:25,688
(laughs)
Oh, what a gentleman.
545
00:19:33,498 --> 00:19:35,731
Well, Cleveland, it's good
to have you back, buddy.
546
00:19:35,733 --> 00:19:37,099
It's good to be back.
547
00:19:37,101 --> 00:19:38,501
Hanging with Jerome was fun,
548
00:19:38,503 --> 00:19:41,137
but my best friends are
right here in this room.
549
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:43,172
Hey, to celebrate,
how about we play a little
550
00:19:43,174 --> 00:19:45,141
old-school Double Dribble?
551
00:19:45,143 --> 00:19:47,343
Okay, but no stupid-ass
shots from the corner,
552
00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:48,811
because that's a glitch
in the software and...
553
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,112
Game on!
554
00:19:50,114 --> 00:19:52,414
(lively electronic music plays)
555
00:19:52,416 --> 00:19:55,417
PETER: All right, bring it up
the court, and corner three!
556
00:19:55,419 --> 00:19:57,586
CLEVELAND:
No, no. That's what
I'm talking about!
557
00:19:57,588 --> 00:19:59,088
Steal.
558
00:19:59,090 --> 00:20:01,991
Uhp, corner three.
559
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,025
All right, here we go.
560
00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:04,493
I got something cooking.
561
00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:06,495
Uhp, you dropped
something.
562
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:08,164
Think I'll head over
in this direction.
563
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,498
Corner three!
564
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,100
JOE: It's a rout.
It's a blowout.
565
00:20:11,102 --> 00:20:12,701
It's some bullcrap.
566
00:20:12,703 --> 00:20:14,870
Couple nice passes
there... hey!
567
00:20:14,872 --> 00:20:16,272
PETER:
See? Competitive ball game.
568
00:20:16,274 --> 00:20:17,506
What should I do?
569
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:18,774
Pass and then go up?
570
00:20:18,776 --> 00:20:21,510
And corner three!
571
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,379
All right, enough
of this mess.
572
00:20:23,381 --> 00:20:25,114
QUAGMIRE:
Shoot it!
Shoot it from there.
573
00:20:25,116 --> 00:20:26,682
JOE:
The refs are lettin' 'em play.
574
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:28,384
I do appreciate that.
575
00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:29,618
CLEVELAND:
Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about.
576
00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:30,886
Now I'm playing
for reals.
577
00:20:30,888 --> 00:20:32,121
PETER:
Yeah, you're doing
pretty good.
578
00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:33,389
What play
should I call now?
579
00:20:33,391 --> 00:20:35,224
Maybe... corner three!
580
00:20:35,226 --> 00:20:36,692
JOE:
He's hot. He is hot.
581
00:20:36,694 --> 00:20:38,360
Keep feeding that guy.
582
00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:40,229
PETER:
Hi, nice to meet you.
Can I have that?
583
00:20:40,231 --> 00:20:41,530
Hang out over here
for a second.
584
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:43,065
Corner three!
585
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:44,500
JOE:
You got to get
out there, Cleveland.
586
00:20:44,502 --> 00:20:45,968
I'm trying.
587
00:20:45,970 --> 00:20:48,204
He's taking advantage
of poor technology.
588
00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:49,805
PETER:
Uhp, lot of dribbling. Swipe.
589
00:20:49,807 --> 00:20:51,807
Here we... aw,
I hit the wrong button.
590
00:20:51,809 --> 00:20:54,310
I think you all know I was
going for a corner three.39519
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